Who loved with Courage

Mother’s Day has me looking upward to my mother, looking at myself, and then – looking at the mothers of my grandchildren.

I sit between my mother and my grandchildren’s mothers.

I am part of my mother and the seeds of the next generations.

I mothered poorly, and I mothered with courage.

I feel like I am the bridge between mothers on polar opposite sides.

The valley between is endless and without common denominators.

I am not sure I can articulate the courage it took to look upwards to my mother and see what wasn’t there – and realize the length and breadth It would take to undo the damage within me – to mother me into being a different mother.

As the bridge between two vastly different sides, I could no longer do what I had done and I had to learn how to be different.

There was no road map – only the hope that if I could be different, that my children would feel different and be different parents to their children.

I was a mother who had been mothered poorly striving to mother in foreign ways.

I didn’t know what love was.

I never had a boundary.

In the middle of motherhood – I changed.

The courage it took to leave behind the family and its pattern – seemed impossible – the space between too far to navigate.

What I do know – is we are not responsible for what was done to us, but we are responsible for who we are and our legacy.

Once you see, you can’t unsee.  When I saw my mother and her lack of values and morals – the only way to go was up.

I am not writing this to hurt her history – but to instead inspire others.  Family patterns and legacies are breakable. 

There is pride to be the bridge to offer my children a different way.

I know I am not seen as a family person – being estranged from so many.  However I am the biggest fan of a loving family. 

I know that the contents of who a mother is – bleeds into her children.  The best thing we can do for our kids is to do our life well.

To be the woman that honors her soul.

When a woman can’t see the worth of her child, she isn’t seeing her own self-worth.  And, without that, she will fall for anything.

As the bridge between good and evil – I don’t celebrate my mother, but I do celebrate the generations below me.  I am hopeful that the seeds I planted from this bridge will flower in to the bests moms a child can have.

It is my hope that my children don’t feel what it is like to parent poorly – but to be a parent with courage to live a life that a child can look up to. 

What joy it would feel like to have a parent who sees you as a child who is treasured beyond all else. That no matter what, the parent will do the right thing to protect the child. To live in an environment of love, peace, joy and trust.

That is the bridge I hope I have stood upon.

Love,

A mother who has loved poorly and one who loved with courage.