I M Perfect lady

I have permission from Rythea Lee, to use her article "Leaving the Family System" – An Honorable Choice" here on my blog.  There were so many things I wanted to unpack in this article.

The first paragraph alone.

By Rythea Lee

As a therapist, I have worked with people who have been beaten, raped, psychologically tormented, severely neglected, and in many other ways profoundly betrayed by their parents or family members. Never, in my 15 years of working with people, have I heard of one of these abusers taking responsibility for what they did. Most of the time, my client is the one person in the family who is dealing with the abuse. The rest of the family and extended family refuse to talk about the incidents. Frequently, they belittle the truth teller, depict them as the one in the wrong, and even call them crazy. These clients over years of time, experience blame, shaming, walls of silence, verbal attacks, and are disowned if they continue to try and bring up the subject of past abuse. Many clients pretend the abuse never happened in order to stay close to family members while secretly suffering from the horrors of the damage. Most people don’t realize how common the pattern is- the one who remembers loses everything. The one who got hurt carries all the pain. The one who was a child victim is victimized again as an adult. It is wrong and it happens everyday."

She affirms my experience. It isn't that I am a special case or that my family has acted differently than most, we are like her clients.  It isn't unusual…however it certainly doesn't make healing from sexual abuse within a family an easy journey.

It feels good to have a therapist recognize this.

She goes on to say;

"Some survivors of abuse who come to terms with the atrocities of their childhood recognize that some family members if not all of them are too toxic to be in contact with. In more blatant terms, some people recognize that crimes have been committed and no justice has been served. There is an understanding that a child’s life was threatened and damaged, that the abuse caused lasting physical, emotional, sexual, relational, and energetic effects. When this reality is faced, usually after years of intense therapy, some people choose to cut off contact with direct offenders or portions of their families, for months, years, or forever."

It is when you come to terms with the atrocities of your childhood, that you are then looking at who performed them, that you then have to step back, ask for space…knowing that not only abused happened, but your life is now filled with issues due to it.  You simply can't afford to allow any more abuse while you are trying to rid yourself of its affects.  Taking back your life and setting up boundaries is in my opinion, a crucial act of choice.  Choice is one tool that helps us regain our power.

Most have no real understanding, WHY we have to leave our families in order to heal, the two paragraphs above help explain why.  Perhaps hearing this from a therapist and not a survivor will lend a different view.  

Here is her third paragraph.

"What I have witnessed as a therapist is that this boundary is essential for some survivors of abuse. The healing really begins once this boundary is made. Once they have clearly decided that the perpetrators behavior is not healthy for them to connect with, they are then ready to feel, express, open up, and trust themselves and others. For these people, pretending or ignoring the abuse is not an option."

It is true, you are only ready to feel, express and open up and trust yourself, AFTER you set up the boundaries.  You can't do this while nestled in the dysfunctional family unit.  Your body and soul KNOW it isn't safe to do so.  I also love, "pretending or ignoring the abue is not an option."  It wasn't for me.  However, I do believe IT IS and option for many. I have witnessed this, as incredible as it seems, most choose this option.

I will stop for today, at this fourth one.

"It is important to say that the decision to cut off family is an incredibly painful one that comes with huge losses that are hard to imagine from the outside. It is one of the hardest choices a survivor will make. We live in a culture, in a world, where family is everything. Parents who abuse are protected in our culture. Once doors are closed, parents can get away with almost anything. People who do not speak to family lose all resources- money and all financial safety nets, comfort, basic support, tribe, belonging, and roots. Not only that but they become “different” than most others in the world, are shunned and isolated for an act of survival and self-preservation. Some friends of survivors feel such discomfort when facing the reality of what can happen in families that they lobby for the norm that families must stick together. Once again, instead of the survivor getting support, they get misunderstanding and criticism."

She has depicted my journey…she is right, we "once again, instead of the survivor getting support, they get misunderstanding and criticism."

The very thing we need to survive, IS the very thing they use to berate us.

"Not only that but they become “different” than most others in the world, are shunned and isolated for an act of survival and self-preservation."

In what other recovery, is this necessary?  

It is hard to explain, but after abuse we are already precariously balanced, and it almost seems that we get further abused for trying to come to terms with it, for standing by our truth, we are shunned and isolated.  Leaving us alone with an abused psyche and a life that is filled with vestiges of our abuse; relationships and beliefs, religions to name a few.  

Our asses get kicked while leaving…like the families final act of abuse.

Rythea has a website, http://www.zanyangels.com