I M Perfect lady

I know what it feels like to live on both ends of the spectrum of having to be brave and strong and have courage, while inside of you is nothing….and then stepping out fully charged.  The two are lifetimes apart…or seven years in the making.

I recall having to walk around our local town after the headlines in the paper and feeling so incredibly small, weak, vulnerable…"Like a scared rabbit" my husband remarked.

And I was.

I didn't know my own strength then…I was fully under the control and power of the outside sources, other's opinions and living from the outside in….and my outside crashed. So, I was left powerless.

I had to use my own auxilliary power…my own definitions and choices.  My individual and personal resources, which added up to about 1%.

I didn't realize how much I was powered by the church, family and society, until it suffered a complete shut down.

My auxilliary power of 1% had to take over.  

This was my sense of self, of who I am and how I fit in.  1% of my self worth was all that was left when you took away the religion and family legacy that I followed religiously as a good girl.  

I had about 1% rebel, and that was what I began to live from.

My inner dwelling place was small, a dot…a weak bleeping signal and that was what had to believe in.  My faith now switched from the outside to the inside.

Living from the inside out…

Incredibly I trusted this small tiny blip…this small sense of me.  I put 110% of my choices and confidence in this tiny dot called me.  For what I knew for sure is that the outside I had been following was completely not matching reality.  It was wrong…but my body had always been right.  It feared my father.  I had to now find out who I was inside.  My me muscle.

This muscle of me was so damn small and weak and unused, it was shriveled up and stiff and with each decision I made and each time I trusted its choice, it grew.

It flourished, unbended, stretched, grew limber and powerful and began filling up my insides, one section at a time.

When I stood before the public at the Gala I had 7 years worth of self growth inside of me.  I felt strong and powerful being me.

I know me.

I trust me.

I love me.

The juxtaposition between the two are hard to articulate, but are clearly depicted in my quilts.  

What I knew was that my self worth was growing, what I didn't focus on was that it is really our own self power.  That it isn't an auxilliary power, but our main power source.  Self worth is self power.

I previously used the outside…people's ideas of me and the churches rules to power me.  I rarely made a choice based upon my own power, which back then was my auxilliary power.

I love that my main power source is inside of me…plugged straight into the universe.

Speaking my truth and never waivering from what it required me to do, has continued to recharge and expand my power base inside of me.  

I agree it takes courage to stand up and tell your story, BUT it takes vastly more power to face your abuse, see your family as dysfunctional, make steps to separate all while operating under about 1% power.

Yet, what I have come to know.  The authentic power doesn't need as much as the outside power.  It must multiply exponentially when it comes from your heart and soul…oh yeah, the Universe supports truth only.

1% power from the inside can completely begin to turn your whole life around.

It's a power that is completely reliable and unpluggable.  You will never be without power…for it lies within you.

My Lady powered by the Universe called me.