I M Perfect lady

What is the pathology of family and how is this passed on to each generation?

I looked up the word, "Pathology".

"The science of the causes and effects of diseases and Pathological features considered collectively; the typical behavior of a disease."

"The process of defining a condition or behavior."  and "The study of the essential nature of diseases and especially of the structural and functional changes produced by them. 2. : something abnormal:

The pathology of the family is the science of how it was created and how it functions.  The structure. The typical behavior.  And when abuse is handed down, how the abnormality was formed.

Most define an abusive family and point at one character; a single person who is acting out evil thoughts.  What many fail to consider is that the abusers are typically in an environment that allows it.  There are many who support their evil actions.  The abusers are living in an evil friendly environment, otherwise, they would be asked to leave.

The conditions and behaviors within a family are condusive to embracing evil…by the typical behavior or response to negative actions.

The pathology of abuse is not confined to the perpetrator…but to the surrounding landscape of his or her relationships that allow this behavior to continue.  

No boundaries to ward of evil behaviors.

I have been extremely curious as to the character flaws of the many who knew and did nothing upon hearing that my father abused girls.  Its pathology is more confusing than that of my father.  

My father is one of the low percentages of people who abuse as a result of being abused.  The rest of the folks don't abuse, but they don't see abuse.

Say the percentages of folks who were abused in childhood are 10% will abuse, that leaves 90 % who will not perform evil acts, but they will not be able to ward them off.

What I have experienced is this apathy…this frozen immovable nature of doing nothing when abuse enters a room, enters a relationship, becomes known.  Nothing. The reason abuse continues is not that the abusers are abusing, BUT that the rest are doing nothing.

Nothing against abuse… but work to make a family a family by not looking at abuse.

I am not sure I can articulate the insanity of the pathology of what keeps a family tree infected. It isn't that there is an abusive person sitting on the limb, but rather the rest are pretending it doesn't exist.

And pretending is not even true. For they know it is there, but they will not respond to it.  And if they only quickly glance, they feel that they don't have to change one single thing in their lives.  As a brother-in-law said when he heard about my father…"He will not have the satisfaction of ruining my life."

Is it really more powerful to not change when you discover abuse lives in your family?  This is what abusers pray for…for nothing to change!

The greatest gift we can give all abusers is to do nothing.  To NOT allow them to ruin our lives, BUT instead go on and live AS IF NOTHING happened.

I see this do nothing pathology as the strongest link in abuse being able to flourish, for there are no boundaries in its way.

The pathology of my childhood was blindness where evil was concerned.  And blindness and deafness towards any mention of the unmentionable….abuse.

Instead they speak louder of the family unit.  Sisters loving sisters….their reunions remind me of my mother's. Where two sisters never came. It didn't stop the reunions from happening, NOR did it stop the abuse.  By God, we have a loving family….look at the reunions, not who stayed away!

Ironically or not, I have had two dreams of me, my mother, and a few sisters.  In the first one, I was trying to speak and warn them, to say what I know, and the words would not come out….but a whisper.  I was trying to speak, but couldn't catch my breath.  The second dream, I was clear and articulate and they would not hear me…they kept talking about things that I was not talking about.  I am telling them of children in danger and one sister wanted me to see her husband's truck.

These two dream sequences artfully display my road. It takes great effort to talk against the majority, and, when I do, no one will listen, but instead try to divert my attention.

Our pathology of abuse within the Huhta family continues…reunions of laughter, while abuse is allowed to run free. 

My sisters tightening the bound between them…keeping family unchanged…being more powerful than the abuse that lingers is the pathology that is the perfect environment for abuse.

I see them marching on as Doris did.  Bold, strong, determined to keep her family together, her brothers and her husband.  Knowing as I do, that her family had a pedophile or two in the mix….and, we know her husband.  She wasn't going to let their actions ruin her family.

Her blindness was her strength…is what I had said about her.  This pathology is what she gave to my sisters.  

They will argue and say I am being a spoil sport. They will defend the sisters, the family unit and in doing so pass on the pathology.  No abuser, or one speaking of abuse, will ruin their reunion!  No one can talk louder than their laughter.  

I would have loved to talk to the Aunts who stayed away from my mother's reunions. I would have loved to know why?

What I believe is that by dealing with the abuse, I will save my family.  Perhaps not my brothers/sisters and their children, but my own.  I will introduce them to the abuse that flows in our pathology. I will let them know when their actions mimic its insidious nature.  I will stand bold, powerful and strong as they work to eradicate its tendrils in their lives.  I am okay being on the outside of this pathology of doing nothing.  

The pathology I want to leave my son and daughters is the pathology that ends abuse.