I M Perfect lady

I have been twisting my situation around and around in my head; the awkwardness of being estranged and having your parent die and how others are unsure of what this means to us.

I finally got it.

Death is a separation and usually an unwanted separation and hence we offer our sympathies.  But, when a person purposefully separates; desiring distance, especially from a parent or other family members, it is a forced death of sorts.

Now, we don't know what to do when someone kills a relationship on purpose…

The unnatural killing of family ties, is not something we are inclined to understand, for it goes against the grain of nature.  And once separated and the relationship is dead, and then the death of the body occurs, it is like being asked to grieve a second time….for an already dead person.

I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone other than those who have experienced estrangement and how it leaves us in this weird place….a re-death.

Not only is it uncomfortable for many to understand the estrangement and total death of a relationship, it is equally uncomfortable to bring up this old death again when the body dies….now what to say???

To me it is just another new awkward moment.

It is like the death is re-occurring, for it is happening for the first time for those who were not estranged…but, for me…it has already happened.

I killed our relationship due to his behaviors…he died way back when….It was not a physical death, but a death nonetheless.  I felt its grief, the pain, all…while no one then could feel it like me…unless they too were ending their relationship with him.

Mine wasn't just putting distance and not seeing him.  Mine was to completely turn my heart and mind, to dislodge the image of father, replacing it with an abuser.  My father died when the file was completely turned. I became a girl without a dad.

I did this to save my sanity, to stop the insane father image that wasn't there.  In order to have the truth and reality match, I had no choice.

While he died inside of me, he lived outside. He continued to live, but I didn't see him no more. 

Now, my insides match the outsides.

For me, it feels more peaceful not to have a ghost of my dead relationship still moving about the planet…and maybe even the teeny bits of hope of him changing now too have died. For once he is dead all hope dies too.

I now understand the unease and awkwardness….for it truly is unnatural to kill family relationships.  But, what most need to remind themselves it should be natural when an unnatural act has happened.

My father took the first unnatural step…and my mother followed, unnaturally as well. 

So, while it seems unnatural to move away…it is actually a very natural response to harm.  It is more unnatural to stand in harms way.