I M Perfect lady

My behaviors seem odd, strange and a bit dramatic, IF you can't see the reasons for why I act this way.  

I can understand the confusion, for I went along with the show for 46 years and then, all of a sudden, I saw or felt or became aware of the insults to my soul…when another little girl spoke of being abused by my father…I saw her…and me….and him.

What I had once called family and normal, was now the complete opposite.

I now see, you can't act different, UNLESS you see different.

What I know for sure, is that they will be upset with me as long as they are okay with her (mother). 

This somehow makes me feel better.

Of course they would get angry at me and have expectations of me being a daughter and a sister, when they can't see/feel the actions of abuse.  

I become the irrational one, the odd acting weird one. 

What really is unreal, is that all kinds of characters will fit into this group, anyone is welcome who see it as family. And, not a dysfunctional family, but family. Although, this switches from time to time.  

I was told I am not the only victim of sexual abuse in the family.

But, I am also told that they are not dyfunctional and they don't like to be labeled as such.  

It is like a White Family not wanting to be seen as white, really.  

What I love the most, is that they characters within the family can't not act normal, their dysfunction keeps showing.  And yet, I am the odd one for saying it is so.

Not only saying it, but backing away from it…and not calling it love, family or kind.

I became dysfunctional in the family of dysfunction.

In the family of dysfunction; you have no say.

You have no needs.

What you say doesn't matter.

No one sees you…or your pain. 

And no matter what someone does to you, you stay.

The "Family" matters more than the individual and her needs.

If and when sexual abuse or neglect or verbal abuse arrives, you are to look the other way…tuck it down deep and keep the family alive.

Pardon the mother's words…for she is mental.

Excuse the father's actions….for he is sick.

Overlook a sister's anger…for she doesn't mean it.

Overlook, pardon and excuse any negative behaviors to keep the family running smooth. Don't notice and nothing is wrong…or notice but don't act upon it.

"Thank God for all that we have and that we are all here together".…in family.

You either stay in deaf and blind….or you are out. 

I still feel better it isn't that they can't see the abuse, but that they can't tolerate my healthy or new response to it.

I believe they are all aware (subconsciously) of the swirling energies of neglect and awkward movements and are still working hard to make it a family.

I know how hard this can be.  I did it.  I too worked like hell to shore up the deficiencies my parents had…until I became to exhausted, tired and plum wore out.

I stopped.

I stopped trying to make them anything but what they were.

I didn't dress up by over compensating for their negative actions.

I let them just be.

And, the family broke and dysfunction lay littered everywhere.

I didn't have a speck of energy to pretend to pretend to pretend to be a daughter or sister…in that mess.  

It wasn't me that started it and it will not be me that ends it.

All I could do was save myself and undo and redefine what is love and kindness.

I leave them on the porch, believing that they are family.

They see me as leaving a family.

I see me as leaving dysfunction and sexual and physical and verbal abuse.

We see each other from own perspective…and with what we define as love.