I M Perfect lady

In watching this video on Forgiveness,by Jack Kornfield,  

It occurred to me that the old style of forgiveness is to restore things back to normal, that it doesn't mean you ever walk away or end something, but rather that things return back to 'normal'.  

And, I am seen as being angry and full of hatred, when I am choosing to protect or to eliminate further abuse and hurt towards me…by ending relationships.

I honestly don't feel angry or hatred inside of me, now.

Now, meaning since I have forgiven in the sense that I am no longer holding on to the past being different, but accepting them as who they are.  In doing so, it has allowed me to decide IF I want to be in a relationship with them.

Do I want to subject myself to being hurt again or do I not?

It has nothing to do with hatred or anger.

It does have to do with loving myself enough to protect me and act responsible for my feelings and honor and respect myself enough to want relationships where I am seen and heard.

Hatred towards them or anger towards them is not inside of me….my choices are based, NOT on them, but on me.

I tend to move away from folks who I no longer trust.

My body doesn't feel safe with folks who lie.

It is about me, not them.

I can recognize how they can project different energies about me, but inside of me, is a calm pond of peace, love and joy. And, it becomes upset and rippled with anxiety when I am not honest with myself…when I don't honor how I feel.

I make no appologies for how I feel inside when I am with folks who are not capable in honoring how I feel…who trample down my boundaries, who lie and holler and scream at how insane and mental I am.  It doesn't feel good inside, so I move away…keep my distance, ask for space.  

Remember the definition of estrangement?

"Estrange, alienate, disaffect share the sense of casings (someone) to turn away from a previously held state of affection, comradeship, or allegiance. Estrange often implies replacement of love or belonging by apathy or hostility."

What many will fail to appreciate, is that I didn't change from love to apathy or indifference, but rather I felt it and moved away.

The previous state of affection and comradeship between parent and child was destroyed when abuse entered into the picture.  It just took me 46 years to realize I needed to turn away.

Each relationship I had/held changed the same way…

The relationship changed from love to indifference or apathy.

I never felt I left affection behind…it had already disappeared.

Estrangement is not an unhealthy thing, but rather a very loving gesture within yourself; you are moving away from a relationship that changed. You are no longer pretending or trying to force or feel that which is no longer there.  You are honoring your body and feelings when love and belonging are replaced with indifference and apathy.

It isn't about hatred.

I do not hate.

I accept the past as it was. 

I believe I hated for many many years, in hating it could not be as I wanted it to be.

I hated the past when I wanted it different.

Once I accepted the past as it was, I found love.

I did not find love in indifference or apathy.  I found love when I moved away.