I M Perfect lady

Today is December 4th, the anniversary of discovering abuse in my life…the 9th anniversary to be exact.
Wow.
Back then it was hard to imagine living with the reality of knowing your father was a pedophile and all that entailed, let alone envisioning life 9 years out.
In 2004, it seemed to be the end of my world and it instead was the first step towards uncovering who I was; a journey of finding the real me.
I haven’t fully discovered me, but I am much clearer now and more honest with myself about myself than I ever was in 2004.
What I didn’t know back then was not only who I was or how I felt about me. I knew what others needed and wanted much more than my own needs. I had never taken care of me.
For nine years now I have been living life bases on my truth, my feelings, my clarity or awareness and to walk my truth even if it doesn’t appear kind…it is kind to me.
I can no longer say I haven’t seen my mother in 9 years for she arrived at daughters wedding. .. I can still say we have not spoken.
She tried…but my daughters wedding was not created for a estrangement intervention. She was up here for at least a month longer and never called.
I have nothing to say to her.
No words will penetrate the illusion she lives in, where I am the one at fault, to blame and one she has dirtied with her lies…lies not only she believes , but many siblings as well.
After 9 years there is no change in the way they see me. And there is nothing I can do to change their minds.
It is easier to change me into an asshole, than it is to give up on family.
Family that is steeped in dysfunction.
Much easier to make me wrong than to really see and feel your own life.
All I can say after 9 years is that I never expected to be the one outside, I truly believed that the one who did the wrongs would be.
How silly of me or naive to think they would set aside family roles for abuse.
Instead it seemed they made them stronger as to not focus on the after affects of abuse…that by being a ‘good’ sister you can leap over the damage abuse caused in you brain and psyche.
What has surprised me the most is how unchanged most are. How little it appears to have affected so many, while it totally flipped my world! And how hard and diligent they are to hold family together no matter what.
What ripped me apart, they have been sewing back together, okay to leave me out.
In fact they will tell you how wrong I am for family.
My biggest sin in their eyes is that I put me first…and will not put aside my past and move on, unchanged. What they fail to appreciate is that I did not change me, my father did.
It has taken me 9 years and counting to find the me I would have been…before my father changed me. He is the one I thought would be set out side of family for raping me. And my mother who turned away from me, her too I thought would have to go.
But no.
I was me.
I would have lost the bet in how this has turned out.
After nine years I am no longer holding out hope for things to be different. I have accepted that my past can be no different, that my family will act any different…
And I am beyond incredulous to see that I have survived being estranged from them all, in fact thrived.
That I have been able to find a life worth living and that I love me and my life.
I only miss what I had thought was there…