I M Perfect lady

What I have granted, due to my own need for freedom, is for others to be free. 

This sounds simple and even healthy, and more, very natural.

However, coming from dysfunctional homes where choice isn't an option….allowing choice is hard to navigate.  It isn't a learned behavior that I easily fell into.  I had to give up control to suite my needs and allow.

Simply allow another to pick and choose.

Everything then becomes fluid and out of control.  

What I believe we mostly are impressed upon is that family has the right to attend each and every function.  

They are indelible.  

And, WE don't have a choice there.

With this belief most major life celebrations come laced with emotional land minds.

The restrictive boundaries are broken down and all manner of dysfunction swirls around mixing with party decorations.

Each party and gathering doesn't have just joy and celebration; but the anxiety undertones of abuse.

I am not sure those who have been raised without choices, understands the stark difference between a party of kindness and one where all manner of behavior is welcomed in…hoping it doesn't display itself in public.

I can't even adequately articulate the festivities that have monsters hidden behind common faces of Relatives…and the energies of fear and anxiety they ignite.

Tranquility spiked with jolts of negative emotions.

I didn't know this, until I had a life celebration event where the guest list was void of undertones.

The unspoken or unseen differences that appear in party wear…were absent.

It seems even odd for me, that it has taken 56 years before I was able to have a life celebration without feeling PTSD throughout the whole party.

To me, this has to be the flavor of my childhood.

Where no matter the event, the undertow carried the energy feel for the party.

The cake and candles couldn't be festive enough to minimize or equalize the negative emotions and feelings of trauma…that was the steady background noise.

Part of me feels the sadness for the endless events that were overshadowed by the negative energies some guests carried with them; undoing the painstaking attention to the carefully planned details.  The party never had a chance to be just a party.

I also know, if you yourself haven't given yourself the luxury of freedom to choose guest, based up personal interaction of respect and commonality or friendship…you have never experienced a party as pure joy.

My body wasn't bracing, just enjoying.

This to me is the fallout from my walking away.

Where the pattern is literally felt to be different.

That there is opportunity for choices.

I know I can withstand and endure parties where the underlying feelings oppose the party theme.  But, what I really, really, really know now is the beauty of parties of love.

Where folks who arrive carry only love…and friendship.

Their energy matches the party scene… where love was put into the details.

What I also know to be true, is that these parties often were believed to be healers or fixers of broken family. That somehow if you had the right and perfect party, then the family would bond deeper etc.

And, what I now know, is that a family where there is no undertow….then, no undertow appears at the party.

It is just happy people celebrating with a party.  Period.

As Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor said. "You are responsible for the energy you bring into the room."

And in this case, you are responsible for who you invite.

Isn't it funny, but we feel we must invite family, even if they bring in energy that will zap the party's good vibes.

I sat with feelings of complete awe and gratitude to be in a space where a party had center stage!  For even when silent the unspoken, unexpressed emotions would eclipse the joy.

I am always amazed in the ability of negative energies to steal the spotlight.

Which is why I have put up such high boundaries against it these past 10 years.

What a great pattern to hand down to my children.

The possibility for a new story to be written…."Once upon a time…"