I M Perfect lady

On the eve of Easter, my anxiety rose and my irrational thoughts swept in and out of my world. The idea of a holiday and all its trappings seemed too much. I wanted to cancel and be alone.

My mind eagerly came up with a ton of things to blame for my anxiety.

The list is long and false.

After a few hours of cleaning, and getting my home in order, I felt more in control.

My mind was sorted out too.

I had heard about triggers, and how we often think they are trauma sounding, and not so familiar as FAMILY.

Or, holiday.

Unbeknownst to me, just the idea of getting ready for a holiday is triggering for me.

It isn't my children, but the way it amplifies my estrangement.

Even while focusing on this house, I feel the emptiness surrounding me.

And, it leaves me feeling ungrounded.

It challenges my stance and my peace.

Even now this many years later, family holidays are unsettling.

I believe, that this will always be the case.

That I will never be able to forget and will always feel this anxiety during the holidays.

The ghosts of the pasts.

It isn't even so much the memories, but the reality of our partings and more, the silence of our now.

Family has lost its innocence.

And, holidays are much more complicated, and I will have to prepare myself better for them.

Even to get the cause of the anxiety put in its proper container, so I don't spread my angst upon the innocent family in my home.

This is why I am sure, that what pain we don't heal is spread down to the next generation.

For, the inside of me was roiling with feelings and my mind was wanting them to land upon something in my present.  And yet, it was the pain of the past visiting me in my present.

Holidays are complicated as your relationships with your family.

What I am so overly grateful for, is that I am at peace with my family.

The the relationships in my home are not anxiety ridden.

I will have to find time for me in the midst of holiday prep. This is a time I need more care than normal.  I need to make room for the anxiety of estrangement.

It will always be part of me.

The part that made me stronger and empowered.

It is okay.

You can come and sit with me.

There is room for all my feelings and emotions.

Anxiety is a reminder of our reality. It isn't good or bad, it just is.

Often anxiety pulls my glance backward and steals my present.

And, when I am taking care of me, I can bring me to the present and be with my family in my home.

Anxiety will be my guest.