I M Perfect lady

I have been trying to write out the contents of anxiety, and how the thoughts were the opposite of reality, like it was trying to predict the unpredictable, but with a very heavy overtone of negativity that would leave me in worse shape than I was in.

I then thought to look up the word and see what the correct definition was.

Anxiety – "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."

Feeling nervous or unease about an uncertain outcome – strikes me the most.

I can see how family focused events, evoke uncertainty within.  

Not only is a spotlight upon my estrangement, it seems to be questioning my certainty.  Challenging my new boundaries, even if they are just thoughts, and not outright challenges any more.  And perhaps the latest sibling encounter was still ringing in my ears.

What I also know, is that uncertainty feeds into any other areas, where I am feeling a bit off. Where I am feeling overwhelmed, naturally.

In anxiety, the past and present get all messed up.

Feelings of uncertainty land upon things that are innocent, IF I am not careful.

New patterns are made up of uncertainty.  It has not been done before in my family.

I am the black sheep the odd man out, the changeling.

There isn't a certain path I am walking.

So the natural feelings of being uncertain in a new endeavor, clings on things I can see in this moment in time. Like a heat seeking missile it will find things that I can put my anxiety upon. Which IS I am looking to control as much as I can, to downgrade the feelings of anxiety.

Such as "my husband should be helping me clean and not be working on a tractor." I want to control his life by making him do my life, in my insane thinking mind.

I can create a story that ends up with him becoming an asshole.  Instead of a very happy man, who is excited to get a tractor running. A man who has watched his little granddaughter for most of the day.  A man who truly wants his family happy and well cared for. A man who asks for very little. I can take the certainty of him and create an image that is the complete opposite. 

In the space of few hours, I created similar stories of untruth that overshadowed beautiful realities.

The truth is being estranged from a family will bring uncertainties. We can't know where we are going for we are doing something different. 

When I feel the most uncertain, I look to control in anyway I can.

However, in the quest for control, my thoughts are not look deeply or widely. They just want what they want right now.

Luckily, I worked alone on the house and let my husband to his glory.  He never knew what my thoughts were saying, I blissfully didn't have the opportunity to spill them onto him.

After working on chores, my mind saw I wasn't going to follow its lead. I allowed the feelings of uncertainty stay with me. Anxiety and I worked together.

Now, a day after the holiday. The threat of being judged for not being part of my family of origin has passed, and with it the anxiety is gone.

What is so odd, is that I know I can answer any question relating to my absence from my family. This isn't a trick question that I can't answer.  

It may be that I have the anxiety or uncertainty how I am viewed for being estranged from so many. I don't know which avenue of uncertainty was feeding me. 

All I do know, is that anxiety is often a normal respond to an uncertain outcome in reality at this moment or it can be a time traveler about other past uncertain holidays.

What I do know, is that you can learn from anxiety, and you can investigate your reality to find a source, or ask yourself "what am I really uncertain about?"

What I also know, is that I am not really uncertain about me.

I am living as close to my truth as possible.

I know there are places where I am now being challenged to live my new pattern, and where my old selfish tendencies would like to reign. The short term gratification is going unfulfilled to accomplish long term change.

I have been around children my whole life.  I have been responsible for kids since I was about 7, and now life circumstances are that we can help my daughter.  The selfish part of me, wants no part of this, especially when I am tired.  The new pattern of me, knows this is a growth area.  It is where I can literally change the legacy of the women in my area of influence. To put aside my temporary needs for long term affects.

My daughter and granddaughter and the daughters that follow will model selflessness.

They will make choices that will have long term affects in the well being of their children.

What I learned most from my mother was selfishness.

When I am overtired, this feeling arises.

It stunts the growth of children.

I have had to look at my selfish needs in certain moments and when they stand alone against the distance of time, they are so petty.

When I then look at the gift I have been given to be involved in the care of my granddaughter and how it will affect her life, it is beyond what I can articulate.

This morning she said again to me, "We are besties, cause we like so many of the same things." 

I guess the bottom line of anxiety for me is that have I changed enough?

Did I make enough changes to change the legacy for my family?

This for sure is my greatest concern, to not repeat the cycle of abuse.

Being selfish, is one of the biggest hurdles in setting a new pattern.

It can look like self love.

And anxiety is natural in new patterns.

Oh, and the other definition of anxiety is "desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease."

When you are trying to redo family holidays, this too would be a natural response. 

As long as there are not disproportionately amounts of anxiety, it is a healthy emotion to have when your are uncertain.

It's no wonder that I am comfortable in art, which too has an uncertain outcome, for in creating new patterns in life, I am getting practice in uncertainty.