I M Perfect lady

I sit between two mothers – my mother and my daughter.

The past meets the present, and flows into the future.

I have lived long enough to see the legacy living itself out.

I know what I needed and I know what I needed to do.

As Mother's day approaches, it is always bitter sweet.  

Looking up at the one who came before me, I find the empty spot.  Most will look back fondly with remembrance, the estranged look back and feel pain. We are reminded what wasn't there, by those who celebrate what was.

Being her daughter who is a mother, I then have to turn to me.

Who am I as a woman?

Am I the woman I needed her to be?

The attempts I have made to fill the space often seems to fall short. The gap was so empty of the things that really mattered.

Some may say that the basics of life are food, shelter and clothing.

I had those things.

What I perhaps needed more, was someone to see me and show me that I mattered.

That I mattered enough for her to stop her world when she knew abuse was happening. It leaves my heart feeling hollow.

How do I celebrate that on Mother's Day? 

I celebrate what I did when I knew abuse was happening.

I celebrate how I stopped my world.

I celebrate how I fell apart.

I celebrate how much my children mattered.

They mattered enough for me to become estranged.

I loved them more.

And, I look at the mother who came after me.

My daughter.

She mothers in a soft way. 

She sees her daughter and her needs. 

She matters to her on a level that is beyond what the heart can hold.

Her actions show love.

And, we are catching a glimpse at what we both have passed on down to my granddaughter, who I believe is reaping what we sowed. 

I am seeing my legacy flowering into a pattern of beautiful knowing she matters.

There are mother's whose actions are remarkable. Who have put there children first no matter what.  These are the mother's whose love knew no bounds or limits and they suffered in order for their children to have a better life. They are the badass women I celebrate on Mother's Day.

Being estranged I feel multiple feelings, but mostly I feel that the choices I made may not always make sense to others. But they have always made sense to the child within me.

She knew she mattered by the choices I made.

I mothered her, and she too flowered into a woman I am proud to be.

Happy Mother's day!

To the many children out there who have lost beautiful souls as mothers. I want you to know, how special it is for you to have a heart full of memories, knowing you mattered. What an incredible gift you were given.  The love you feel will be with you always.