I M Perfect lady

Responses

1. 

   Judy

   February 6, 2020 at 9:38 pm

   Wow! This blog post wrenches my heart. All children should feel loved. You know— i grew up thinking my mother did not love me. She never came to anything i was in during grade school- not one thing. I was chosen to give the graduation speech when graduating from the Catholic school 8 th grade. This was big to me. There was a dress up banquet. Neither parent came. What did i do through high school? Nothing- because to me- what didi it matter? Nobody cared. Nothing. I stuffed my brains in a box and did not care either. Much later- as an adult- i came to understand my mother and why she seemed so angry and uncaring. She was the wife of an alcoholic and she was angry at not being able to provide for us. She was ashamed to be out in public and felt powerless because there was not much help for women and children back then. I am glad that i grew to understand and was able to help her some in later life. We all have a story. I feel like those who had solid parents just don’t get it. They have a solid foundation and weather storms better than we who have no foundation .They always had someone who had their back. I envy that. I envy pics of little girls with their proud daddies… little girls with doting moms… i envy kids whose parents say – you CAN- And so—- do we , the wounded,somehow live vicariously through our offspring…? Trying to experience what it must be like…. to be loved…. cherished…. Still- life turned out ok for us, Beth. We found our love in husbands and children and grands… So, while we missed normalcy in childhood- many others have awful marriages and selfish kids . Hey- we are ok! We are OK!!! You go girl!! You are loved!

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2. 

   I M Perfect

   February 7, 2020 at 4:57 am

   Yes Judy we are okay, despite the emptiness of parental love. And, we are actually a minority, for many will repeat the empty love life their parents had. Where they cannot change the pattern.
   I am just acknowledging what is missing – the natural cycles of life. When you are estranged.
   The beauty of a mother and child.
   Perhaps missing being the child.
   There are a myriad of reason why mother’s fail children. I get that. I also get why children, adult children feel the absence of parental love.
   It is a beautiful thing when parents and children can be in relationships that are free and with integrity.

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3. 

   Joanie

   February 7, 2020 at 7:11 am

   I read your post yesterday, Beth, but waited until today to comment. I think Judy’s revelation about her Mom and her mom’s pain and anger, later discovered, was at least an acknowledgment of her emotional unavailability due to her own lack of power in an alcoholic relationship. Sometimes, when we see children with parents engaged in what appears to be perfect, loving relationships the envy and jealousy seeks a way into our minds. But, we really don’t know if the outward picture is true, do we? If we get to know these people over time, that is the only way we learn and observe their stories and how we can seek to create our own love to ourselves and others. Self-help and professional guidance is a big help in this direction. Beth has never had the acknowledgment or sign of any regret on her mom’s part, her father died having the same attitude that his sins were always forgiven and no responsibility was necessary or accepted for what he did to so many. I don’t know if either is worse than the other as it still amounts to a void. However, Judy had the chance to acquire some insight and a different level of going forward once her mom explained her deep regret and shame involved with her husband’s behavior. Beth, your mom has never relented in her professed love (whatever that is supposed to mean) for her children and how you have refused her and the family because you can’t forgive and accept the continuing lie and coverups indoctrinated by the church and its power of men over women. The wonderful part of both of your lives in the present is you desired to change and hope anything you have done to tap into the powerful part of being a woman and loving has made a change for those around you. This has included your children, spouse, friends and strangers who come into contact with you. Being Honest, Open and Willing (HOW…an Overeater’s 12 step program) taught me example and action is the highest form of sharing with others. Take faith that any void that is felt is part of who you are. All of us have parental voids that shaped our lives. I give lots of hugs to my grandsons because my father was unable to show this simple sign of affection, having no memories of any from my childhood, and very little as an adult. I’m sure he never got any growing up. I love these bear hugs with my grandsons, daughter and my son-in-law because I want to give them and need them totally for myself, too. It is good to keep reminding ourselves that our present life can change continually as we learn and grow, wanting to just be ourselves and understand how we affect other’s lives. Making peace with our parents does not necessarily mean we were not affected or that we can forget behaviors, I choose to believe our own desire to proceed differently and act according to our own truth is living in the present and as we do the future will unfold.

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4. 

   I M Perfect

   February 8, 2020 at 6:04 am

   Joanie, there are many relationships with mothers and you are right, we can’t know from a brief encounter what someone truly has. For there are many who paint a perfect picture and inside it is so much different.
   What I am mostly trying to articulate, is the absence of natural life moments, that become complicated and even traumatizing to miss.
   There is the natural view from a child, to give their parent great latitude in how they parented. Rarer are those who see and feel the consequences of having parents, whose own pain, caused us more.
   And, there are few of us who learn from our parent’s mistakes and do better. And, I do appreciate the love that flows from me. However, I can and still grieve what wasn’t there for me above me. If that makes sense.
   Thanks for reading and posting and sharing your words and thoughts.

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5. 

   Joanie

   February 8, 2020 at 8:01 am

   Beth, I didn’t mean to imply you don’t experience grief. I know what you mean as there have been times when I have listened to other women describe their parents with warm, tender words and how much they miss them or what they still continue to experience with them. I, too, wonder what it would have been like to experience this type of parental show of emotion and gentle love. I actually can feel guilty at times that I learned so deeply the stoic outward appearance from my father and judgment/fear from my mother. Both of these examples created tension and uncertainty inside of me as I formed my own relationship to others and self. Yes, absence of easy, gentle and steady moments of parenting is tragic for the child as well as all they touch in their future. Change is the only method of protecting and offering a different future to others.

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6. 

   I M Perfect

   February 8, 2020 at 1:42 pm

   That is right, what we are missing is the warmth, caring and feeling like we have someone we can count on in our corner. And, yes the yearning and missing a person who cared deeply for us. All that is what I am saying we missed out on.
   And, for me that is huge.
   I often wonder what we have labeled as stoic, is actually the lack of care, concern and love.
   Instead of having the feelings and not showing them, the feelings are not even there to show.
   If that makes sense.
   I have learned that what I needed from my mother, wasn’t even there for her to give. Not to herself and certainly not to me.
   And, yes the absence of easy, gentle and steady moments, is not something we can feel at our backs. Behind me is a blank drop-off.
   Change IS the only way we can stop the cycle. I see it as our choices either continue the legacy or change it. There doesn’t appear to be a middle ground.
   Thanks again for sharing.

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