I M Perfect lady

My feelings over the past few weeks have run the gamut; and sometimes all in one day or even in an hour.

Mostly my anxiety has markers of PTSD and my struggle in wanting to control others. These feelings feel like time travelers of walking through my abuse.  Trying to get others to see/feel/understand the severity of doing nothing; and its cost.

And, me failing.

Then, letting go of it all – them all.

It is not in my hands to steer this pandemic.

This is a great relief.

In my control is to put space between me and those who make me anxious.

Just as in any human crisis, there are many components, and each of us can only be responsible what is in our sphere of influence.

My world, as with most of us, got really small.  There is a peace in that too.  The outside world seems to have darkened or, has gone out of focus. 

The future is way fuzzy.

There is way too much that is unknown.

And, while we believe that we are in a different place, it is really like any other time in life.

We only think we know what the future holds.

We don't.

Perhaps this virus will allow all of us to get comfortable with uncertainty.

To sit with the unknown, and be way okay.

Just as I let go of other's and their behavior, I also let go of who will be affected by this Virus and who will not.   It really isn't up to me.  

This still means I will do my level best to distance myself from others. To wash, wipe and repeat.  Many times a day. To be aware of what my hands touch.

However, I also am even more aware of the energy in my home.

I don't want panic to dominate.

I do not want these weeks to pass as if we are all holding our breaths.

Instead, I want this time to be looked upon fondly, as we had time to….

Relax more.

Play longer.

Do more art.

Enjoy nature.

It is up to each of us, to feel the breath of our worlds.

Tonight my granddaughter and I spent an hour outside. We saw geese and swans flying overhead and ducks and geese in the water. And, we heard their honks and wings flapping. We felt the mud/dirt beneath our feet, felt the wind and sun on our faces. We breathed in beautiful fresh air.  

We talked and planned for her mom's birthday. We will create a simple celebration.

The Virus is serious and it is in our present; but we can also keep new routines to make this time pass as normally as possible.  And, to not waste what we have now.  The future isn't promised to any of us.  Let us live, truly live right now.

There is still much freedom to be had each day.

It is also amazing how quickly I have not thought about going further than work.  How accustomed I have already become in the small routine of this new normal.

I believe the sooner we do this, the quicker it will pass. 

If we put off living, until – the virus will take from us; prior to actually taking from us.

Part of my PTSD or being traumatized and recovering, is not tolerating anxiety and stress and the idea and thoughts that twist my mind about wanting others to behave differently.

I learn, even if it takes me a few weeks, to let go.

To circle back to my own life in a self loving way.

Leaving others free to live their lives.

There is a difference inside of me – I feel peace letting the Universe flow and me not trying to bend it into submission in my mind.

The old phrase, "Live like you are dying" came to mind.

I will enjoy many beautiful moments that I can – even in the middle of a crisis – or perhaps especially in the middle of one.

Which is what I want to take as my lesson from the Virus.