I M Perfect lady

Author: bjukuri

  • Moksha

    I am sending a quilt out to an organization called "The Truth Be Told".  A group of women who go into prisons, who give the women prisoners a chance to write their truth.

    Empowering them to write their stories truthfully, so that they can see their journey and what choices or needs led them to commit crimes.

    It isn't about changing the story; but rather accepting their whole truths, feelings and confused minds.

    I know this exercise could be main street art.

    It could be on every corner.

    How well do you know your own truth?

    What are your subconscious needs that drive you to do what you do?

    Do you know or can you see the choices you make and why?

    How often are you moving from your center; but rather being driven by the unmet need?

    If the truth were told, would you even recognize yourself in its telling?

    Here is what I know.

    My truth was a million miles from where I was.

    I could just as easily woken up in prison instead of a cult like religion.

    I had beliefs and fears and denial that kept the truth at bay.

    My feelings and emotions were unexpressed, unfelt and I lied to keep them that way.

    The truth be told, I had no clue who I was or how I had blindly followed the patterns of my childhood.

    Can this not be true for so many?

    I also know, that when I speak of recovering my truth, my mental breakdown out of denial, others sit in awe.

    Truth living isn't the norm.

    It isn't what we do.

    While the girls in prisons are held behind bars, we who are 'free' in society are actually lost behind the lies of our lives.

    The drastic change that happened after I embraced truth, shows the distance between truth and fiction in our worlds.

    Most would like to believe, they are living their lives truthfully, that they are not dancing to the music of a subconscious unmet childhood need…but, sadly it is so well hidden, you can't even know, you don't know.  Not only that.  You have lived your whole life to get this need met, you don't even know the real you

    The real me and the unmet need that masquerade as me, were completely different.

    They are not even close.

    The unmet need I had was I was not good enough and that I had to do this or that for love.

    The Me that I discovered is completely enough; pure love and innocence.

    She dances to her own music.

    Free to feel, express and move in tune with her soul.

    The prison walls are our belief in what is not real.

    What is not true.

    We create our own prison by our unmet needs.

    The best place to be is to not need anything but our own truths.

    My truth and I are one.

    I have broken the karma of the pattern I was born into.

    Moksha!

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  • Music of her soul

    I have been listening to Jewel's book, "Never Broken" and her life story is quite amazing.

    She understands, that you can't see reality UNLESS you have clear eyes.  I love this.

    It isn't reality that changes and transforms; but our vision, or rather our minds.

    Our needs color what we want to see and what we will discard.

    Her relationship with her mother, ended like mine. 

    She too had a distorted view of her mother for many years and it wasn't until the mask fell that she was able to see see what was really beneath. 

    Once you see, you can't un-see.

    I also loved how she described herself in the terms "Other" and "Self".

    Other was her programmed mind.

    And, she could tell the thoughts/beliefs were from other by the way they felt in her body.

    This too, is how I felt my way forward.

    I called mine "The Mental Lady".

    Often, her voice sounded like my mothers. Or, mostly.

    My inner soul's knowing and thoughts, felt much safer, softer, kinder, and loving towards me.  While this soul voice, or what I would call My Little Girl, often upset others for her actions were not pleasing to them. 

    At 46 years of age, I finally began to live for me.

    I don't know Jewel's songs.  

    But, I know the music of her soul.

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  • Had I not created my whole world, I certainly would have died in other people's. Anais Nin

    I watched a video of a wedding, where the generations of old placed their hands upon the newly married to show the passing of Love.  

    The first thought was, how awesome is that.

    The second was the realization that even if no hands are laid upon us; the imprint and pattern of our parent's relationships are handed down.  Or perhaps we pick them up.

    Their lives are replicated unless we actively work to do things differently.

    What we do in our individual lives, affect the generation below us.

    Certainly we can change the pattern, but it will require a ton of work.

    My experience, is that in order to change the pattern of my mother, I had to walk away from her world.

    She and I are doing life completely differently, in the things that really matter.

    The love that is passed down is actually authenticity and truth of who we are beneath the roles we play.  It isn't about the marriage; but the people individually within the marriage.

    When I was breaking down my denial, my husband and I didn't know where our marriage would be in the end.  I took our marriage and laid it on the living room floor.  I told him, to let the marriage be and let us each work on our own self.  

    The person I was in denial and its blindness, was not going to be the person I would become.  Our interactions with each other would now demand a deeper truth.

    I would be required to be completely honest.  Always.

    More, I would only accept originality.  False or pretending wasn't allowed.

    Our old marriage, had me being less than honest.  

    Often my lies were lies of how I truly felt. 

    My yes could really be a No.  

    My truth was too terrifying to be included.

    It had the power to leave me alone.

    I can barely recall my old self and the one who went along to get along. Who silenced her true voice in order to 'feel safe'.  

    Imagine, being untruthful was more safe than being truthful.

    It is what my elders shown me.

    Truth was not to be present in order to have peace and love.

    Is there any love where truth is not welcome?

    More importantly, what is a marriage if a person cannot be truthful?

    The marriage is only as strong as the least truthful person.

    It doesn't matter if one is pure truth and the other is not. The lie is what defines that relationship.  

    What defines a great marriage is how much space is there to be completely yourself?  How safe is the environment for you to be you?  

    My old self didn't have a clearly defined self.  I morphed into whatever the other person needed; blurring who I was.  I didn't know me.  But, I knew what the other person needed me to be.

    I then became a more rigid structured solid defined person. 

    Of course there were repercussions.

    The old me went along and pleased others. My life was fitting into their lives without a ripple.

    The new me wasn't so easily managed.

    She bulked at things now.

    She had boundaries and limits and ideas and feelings and was very eager to express them.

    It was to be born again into Me.

    To have Me in a marriage, instead of the pleasing person was completely terrifying.

    It left the marriage alive and fluid and in the present.

    Like life.

    You never know what I will do.

    Say.

    Be.

    Nothing of the past truly followed me.

    For, I wasn't there in my past.

    The past was for everyone else's world.  Not mine.

    Now, my yes is a yes.  And, my no is a no.

    I still am learning about me.

    Who I am becoming.

    My hands upon my child will be hands of truth in knowing who you are…and being brave enough to always be that.

    You be you.

    Imperfectly.

    May the road to being you be colorful, delightful, and empowered.  My hands hold the courage to always be you.

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  • Towards yourself.

     

    "Revenge by Proxy" is a term that I first heard spoken by Rob Bell.

    Do you know this term?

    How often have you forgiven someone and yet when something bad happens, you feel like the scales are now back in balance?

    Well, actually, your forgiveness wasn't complete.

    A complete forgiveness is when you are not waiting for a proxy to dish out revenge to that person and perhaps call it Karma…and you feel relieved, joyful, happy, or any other positive terms when you learn of it.

    The greater the hurt, the harder it is to forgive, and the most often it is revenge by proxy that we wait for.

    And, I think, the most kind among us are waiting for their proxies to get the show on the road. They are too kind to do the deed themselves; but wait for something to happen that they can express their true emotions.

    Anytime we are happy for someone's pain, we are in the act of revenge by proxy.

    I have had a few experiences with this.

    And, the act of complete peace didn't happen when the proxy revenge happened. It left me still agitated.

    Wishing the best for your enemy isn't an easy road.

    Staying in the pond of good energy is harder.

    Our humanity is to even the score, to set things right, to give as good as we got.

    But, if you are not the type of person to act out revengefully you then have to be patient for karma to deliver the punch.

    All the time you are waiting, you are steeped in negative waves.

    To literally wish them well, and that the stars align in their favor is very very hard and it will take time to reach this point of forgiveness.

    I guess for me, one of the things that was helpful was to see how my own cycle worked.

    How my anger brought back anger.

    How my wrath served up to me relationships of negative energies swirling just beneath the 'kindness'.  I had to mind my P's and Q's or I would feel the jolt of that energy.

    I was a "representative of kindness" while volcano's of negative charges lay beneath. I lived this way for 46 years.

    Glennon Doyle Melton speaks of her "representative", the her that wasn't her that went out in the world. How her true self was kept inside.

    My representative was a 'kind' person; a people pleaser a do-gooder girl. While inside of me was a very angry hurt abused girl. My inner energy was very negative due to the untreated abuse.

    While living as two, I would not be the one to seek revenge; but cheer when it happened.

    My representative was a good FALC follower.  A good forgiver. A kind daughter. But she wasn't me.  She is the person that many still may seek to have back in the family. She is invited back, not the real Me.

    The real me was wounded.

    I had to let the representative go and become Me.

    In the becoming of Me, I also learned that others lived like I used to live.

    That their representative moved about the world.  A pretending or acting-self learned what it needed to do in order to get along.

    There is nothing for me to revenge.

    Living as a representative is revenge enough.

    I don't cheer this.

    My wish is for everyone to get to be free to live without a representative in their lives.

    To be the wounded.

    To be you.

    Living a life of truth.

    I don't see that the scales have to be balanced.  They already are.

    I don't even see that the truth needs to be said, it already is being spoken, by the examples of their lives.

    The actions always do speak louder than words.

    Next time something bad happens, examine your own feelings. This is where you will find the content of your energy.

    It is there that you work is waiting.

    The revenge you seek will be towards yourself.

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  • Warrior Love?

    Today I listened to Glennon Doyle Melton read her book "Love Warrior".  I didn't write down the things I loved about the book, but its overall rawness stands out. 

    She disassociated from her body, like I did by giving mine up to the church.  We then have to work on reconnecting and reclaiming that which we had left.

    I am amazed and not, by how many women of the church are still miles from their own bodies.  When we give our bodies to the church, it leaves us without power or control over them. This is a huge block to being here Now.  Whether she allowed others to use her body, I allowed a church to dictate how I would treat mine.

    It is empowering to hear how she gains her Self back…and even hearing how she has lost herself and the healthy way to be in the world.

    While the story is about her marriage; it is more about the woman in her marriage…which is huge.

    I love how she eventually sees that the marriage can't be fixed; but her wiring can be, as well as her husbands…and then perhaps their marriage will be completely different.  That it will take two strong well wired people to make a good marriage.

    The difference, I see, is that it will take two people to re-wire a dysfunctional relationship.  One person changing will not be enough.  You can't have one with messed up wiring to relate to.

    I also relate to how she sees differently than so many.  How she doesn't pretend; while others do.  There are the unwritten rules and things we don't talk about. And, IF you are willing to speak out, you are then seen as the odd one; not the healthy one trying to get it right.

    Another great affirmation to the way we are now looking at women and their connections to their self and how it affects their worlds when they are disconnected. 

    What we allow when we don't control our own bodies, and what we will tolerate is unreal.

    It isn't a victim book; but one that is empowering.

    I am looking forward to seeing how it ends!

    An unexpected Warrior story!

    What  do you think Warrior Love is?

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  • New Choice

    While I create, I love to listen to thought provoking ideas – people, podcasts and books. 

    Lately, it has been Rob Bell and his podcasts. 

    His podcasts on Forgiveness are very different than how most people see "forgiveness".

     

    "So as dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

    This is where the healthy separation happens.

    Where you are at peace; but separate.

    Forgiveness is much more complicated than just the simple forgiveness with two healthy people. 

    More often than not, it is between one who is protecting their wellness and separation and distance is crucial to be healthy.

    However, the question that I get most often with new people who hear about my estrangement, is "When will you forgive your mother?" or "Will you ever forgive her?"

    What they are really meaning, "Is when will you reunite with her."

    It isn't about forgiveness; but returning to our old relationship.

    Which is why this podcast is important to hear.  I don't have to.

    It would not be healthy for me to do so.

    For some reason many years ago, I had said that I would always be willing to hear my siblings IF they chose to reach out.  I have now decided to amend that.

    I am no longer putting myself in that position. 

    Of going back to where we separated.

    To do a redo of why we are estranged.

    I love that I don't have to answer a text or email or message.

    It frees me from feeling that I have to be open always.

    I don't need to be a free open passage to them.

    Instead I am the aware one who gets to protect herself first.

    It is not my responsibility to remain open.

    I used to believe that I had to put them, and 'our' relationship, before me.

    And, that meant that I would have to open myself up just to be hurt again. 

    Just so they can feel like they tried.  For typically, they come in with harsh words or words of guilt – trying to shame me.

    I don't have to remain open 'in case'.  Instead, I can close the door and leave it closed.

    They don't get to be the one to decide when if and how we will begin a conversation.

    I don't have to answer!

    I love this new choice.

     

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  • My soft heart cries…

     

    Here is a brilliant podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert that will resonate with so many!

    The conversation literally transformed the way I saw my "hard" journey of being estranged from my family. AND, how it does't mean I am a hard person. While I know how difficult so many encounters and relationship endings have been, I think I have held myself accountable. And, in doing that, I subconsciously was a very hard person.

    While my soul cried.

     

    Perhaps my biggest fear is that I do have a cold cold heart.

    That, the very reason there is space between us, is that I have done something wrong. 

    This, I believe has come from being the person to walk gently as to not ruffle feathers, to be the 'kind' person in dysfunction.  

    As I walked softly with them, my truth was held in – deeply.

    So, as I now let my truth out, and I am seen as cold.  I believed it.  I believed it due to the fact of all my years in dysfunction, where I did so much to be seen as one with a soft warm heart.

    For them to see my soft warm heart.

    Waiting for them to feel me – when I myself wasn't completely convinced I was nice.

    Kind.

    Soft.

    We were somehow taught that doing what is right is hard…and that we have to be hard, or tough, to do it. 

    But, what Elizabeth and Amy Purdy were saying is that we can bring our vulnerability to something hard.  Or, as Penelope said, she would dance from her heart.

    Sadly, ever so sadly for me, is that speaking my truth, isn't to be hard or mean. Nor does it mean I have no heart.

    What I guess hurts the most with my last estrangement and, probably with all, was that it was because I cared, that I had a soft heart, that I have spoken what is true.

    How the sorrow drips because, as I had said before, I wasn't an asshole.

    I wasn't the one who was distant or disengaged or unplugged from family.  I was the one in the mix.  My inner nature was/is a soft hearted caring person.

    I saw a little girl today pushing her younger sibling…or two.  She was small.  She was bright. She was smiling with a gap-toothed grin.  She waves like we are best friends. She pushes her siblings. She herself is so small. Tears came to my eyes and a lump in my throat that she is me.  There are quite a few children in her home, and I see her in a role that was once Me.  We are one.

    I have to acknowledge to myself that the image I saw today is who I am.

    Innocently in my childhood picking up the slack, carrying, walking, helping my siblings that I loved.  

    That still stands today.

    I know, that my absence for 12 years isn't seen as love; but hate. Not soft but hard.

    What is the softest but hardest thing you can do when it comes to abuse?

    As they see me now and in years to come, will I always be remembered as the hard one. Not the soft one.  Will even my last estrangement forget the million conversations that were not hard hearted but soft.  Hard to sometimes speak – but my heart was always open. Vulnerable until the last conversation was I – in my truth.

    This is the key I was looking for.

    The image of the blonde little girl pushing so joyfully her siblings.

    She wasn't hitting them.

    Neglecting them.

    But being a second mom.

    A child/second mom, who was innocent; until abused.

    And who broken that silence; which was her hardest walk.

    Knowing, as she was doing it, it would be the very thing, that would change their hearts.

    Change Their hearts.

    Not mine.

    I am still the little girl inside of me, doing the heavy lifting, that is much too big for me.

    And, it is much harder to be estranged with a soft heart.

     

    Thanks Elizabeth Gilbert and your magic lessons. How powerful they are!

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    Moksha means – "Release from the cycle of rebirth impelled by the law of karma.
    the transcendent state attained as a result of being released from the cycle of rebirth.

    Released from my dysfunctional belief that I was born with a hard heart.

    My soft heart cries…

  • Pretend to Silence

    It has been a year or more, a silence that is loud.

    Distant in its darkness.

    Unknown what was once so familiar.

    Once daily and deeply, now gone completely.

    Family was our connection, and beyond.

    Our mutual curiosity

    understanding our wounds

    childhood patterns

    struggles to balance

    and, energetic highs of awareness.

    The wider expanding growth from the smallest darkest parts of ourself.

    We walked with each other through parts of the journey that were brilliantly tragic.

    And, then.

    Silence.

    Space

    No contact

    Can this ending mark the content of our million conversations?

    Does it take away feelings?

    Is the space on hold?

    Until - 

    In the early years of losing a family member, my mind consoled itself by saying "for now".

    I couldn't contemplate forever.

    With all the learning I have learnt about dysfunctional and post traumatic scars is that nothing is reliable.

    Again perhaps, the best we can hope for is loving the ambiguity of it all.

    I just never thought, our daily talks would leap to year(s) of silence.

    Was this pre-ordained? 

    In the master plan?

    For us to re-work our inner family dialogue just to separate?

    What is interesting, is that I can connect with someone so deeply and still lose contact.

    I didn't foresee this fork in the road.

    Not, that there would be one minute of conversation I would regret or not do.

    I believe, our time together was a life changing event in my life.

    It allowed me to redo my family tie.

    In an honest, open, vulnerable way.

    To go beneath and address the wounds, fears, joys and peace, and freedom to be.

    This exact model, is what has me honoring the space.

    It is a free choice.

    Not mine, but against me.

    My presence is no longer wanted/needed/required.

    I was set free.

    I don't hold anger.

    But, have felt grief.

    The same as if someone has died.

    The moments when I would have LOVED to share the highs, the lows and even the mundane.

    My now familiar stance to have relationships die while the body and life move on.

    I can no more force a relationship to live, any more than a person can force a body that is dead to live.

    There is an misguided sentiment among society, that we at least "have the opportunity to reconnect" to get it back.

    Which puts me (us) in an awkward stance.

    Like, we didn't 'mean' to part ways.

    We unknowingly exited out of a relationship OR that our reasons were not good enough.

    We have a choice to rekindle the old flames.

    What most do not take into count is that 'something' changed.

    The something that used to draw us close IS now repelling us.

    Moving them away from me.  Or in some cases, me from them.

    This too is natural in the content of our interactions with each other.

    Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a line; that when crossed it is over.

    Mostly, I see it as the last step before a truth will be revealed.

    A door shuts.

    I am outside.

    The truth and I…

    The veil falls down between us.

    An ironclad curtain of denial.

    We certainly could be in the same room, house and town; but standing between us is the fact that we do not relate to reality equally.  

    The curtain gives them comfort, while it hides them from me.

    And, even me from them.

    I often feel like I am in a very strange land, or perhaps the strangest in the land.

    I can't just allow the curtain to fall into place without acknowledging what It is hiding.

    Like a sister once said, "I can't pretend to pretend to pretend" and yet they all do.

    What I have learned in the podcast with Rob Bell, is that families and groups and even religions, have things they don't talk about. And, when someone has to live a life talking about the things no one talks about, _ mostly the truth_ it leaves them outside the circle.

    So, while it is true, that like the Rilke's poem "I live my life in widening circles", it often leaves me losing a circle of familiar connection.

    I have also learned, that those left will strengthen the core that remains. It doesn't even matter if what remains is good.  They will tighten those connections…so, the concentration if you will, deepens. And, it broadens the gap between us.

    So, in the lines of dysfunctional families, they become more dysfunctional each generation.

    Yikes

    Think on this.

    It will get darker.

    The last connection to my family broke a year ago.  This was the most authentically dysfunctional connection I had.  Not in denial; but in total awareness to the cost and consequence of being raised as we were raised.

    I don't have for him, or the rest, an expectation.

    Nothing is required from me.

    I honor his journey as time and space fills up with strangeness between us.

    The familiar grows strange.

    Ambiguity lies where I thought there was deep mutual respect.

    Forming and keeping relationships with scars of abuse and its affects is tricky at best.

    You can never know when the abused mind will lock you out.

    I can't even blame them…or me.

    I had heard Glennon Doyle Melton speak about one day her inner honesty arose.  It was born in her. She could no more deny it than not breathe.

    That is me.

    I didn't go out seeking this core of honesty.

    It woke up one day and will not die.

    I live now like an truth detector – or more like a truth speaker.

    I can't pretend, lie or kinda sorta believe in a non-truth.

    If we are in a relationship, it will dance between us.

    I like it.

    It cuts the dance of pretend to silence.

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  • Podcasts by Rob Bell

    Rob Bell and I would not seem to be a natural connection. For his passion or what he loves is often laced with bible verses.  Yet my truth and his deeper level of knowing life match.

     His series on Lamenting is brilliant!  There are 5 parts and they build on each other. I highly recommend listening, IF you are in pain and grief or feel unheard etc. He was a huge affirmation.

     

    In fact, the word Lament means "a passionate expression of grief or sorrow and mourning."

    Perhaps, I am the living example of what he speaks of. 

    He is able to take the past and make it revenant today…if that makes sense.

    And, when I left the church, I didn't leave behind the soul of who I am or the truth of what the Universe Is.  

    I heard on one of his podcasts "Look at your God and you can see who you are."

    I love this. 

    I also heard about one God, one Universe, one Reality, one Truth. Some call it God, I call it Truth.  It is all the same. This is my tone.

    There are not two different realities going on at one time. 

    My lamenting is my expressing my sorrow and grief of all the ramifications of daring to speak your truths against the unspoken rule of what we are allowed to talk about.

    All, I know, is that there are more and more folks who are rising to living a life more authentic and use truth to healing…as a power.

    I feel I am in good company.

    Even for those who have been severely put off by the FALC and its cult like traditions, Rob Bell may be a way to come back to center. 

    In fact, he interviews a woman Rabbi and She is the way forward in all religions. 

    Again, while religion has been a taboo subject for me I found her completely authentic and someone relatable. 

     

    Her tone is delightful – and completely accepting!

    I love that there are some brave souls who have the ability to impact the worlds religions and are daring to push back the old ways that no longer work and are willing to create new energies that will change the world!

    Bringing truth to religion – what a concept! 

    I believe, we intuitively know what connects with the truth. And, we also know when we are moving towards it or away. We can tell by how our life reflects inner peace, love and joy AND freedom!

    God's name of God in the old church had me recoil from it's name. My preferred name is Universe for it doesn't come with the trappings of the old energies of the FALC. 

    In fact, religion as a rule has bad vibes for me.  

    Understanding the Universe has to be where you can apply it to Monday morning.

    If not, it is a dead religion.

    Even if you are not a regular participant in any church, or maybe especially if you are not, you might enjoy these podcasts.  

     

  • Loving What Is

    Alexander Shaia and Rob Bell talked about the El Camino and the Journey; the Way, and how there is no preparation for life after the life/soul changing hike.  I feel the exact same way about breaking out of denial.

    It all sounds wonderful and maybe even kind; but the re-entrance and living with the new self is often quite alarming.

    You will be required to think about life and the choices you want to make.  You are no longer on the wheel of knowing and living in automation…as the only self you knew prior.

    A new awareness of who you are has arisen.

    A conscious self who feels we are co-creators and what we say and do matter in the making us Us.

    It is vital and very discerning to see how each thing we say and do adds a layer upon our Self.  Actions are no longer just things; but who we are.

    This integration of a new self in an old life often makes folks head back to the El Camino.

    What happens though when The Way was to become aware of abuse?

    Where can you pack up and go back to?

    I believe I was unaware I was on a path or journey or a thing called The Way as I explored and questioned and read new authors who saw life in a new way. I didn't realize I was traversing towards a new self…or even leaving denial.

    I was just no longer happy with the dead church.  It lay uninspired and more about fear than living.  More about death than living.  More about following than being. More about after death than before death. More about wiping away reality, than reality.

    What I didn't know, is that I was starting to go deeper into life.  Leaving the surface and the usual rhetoric.  The shallow self was slowly growing smaller and a new wider deeper version of me was sprouting.

    When I look back at the day I found out who my father was, it was a day of reckoning with the truth.  It was a pivotal moment on The Way.

    From that point on, I could not Not know.

    It was the turning point of no returning.

    What I have failed to consider is that very few, if any in my family were on a similar path; that the language I speak is foreign to them.  My experiences is not theirs.

    Even if they could try and understand, it would be from the shallow level. 

    When I lived in the shallows; I wasn't even aware of the deeps.

    Let alone did I have any desire, intention or need to converse with people who dwelled in the deeper levels of life.

    What amazes me, is how I forget to remember where I was, how I was or what I only cared about.

    My language and experience of my mental break down into reality,  is beyond what their language can hold.  

    It is like I am an alien…but familiar.

    Ambiguity arises again.

    And I am expecting them to understand me, without taking their own journey into the deep level of the soul. Impossible.

    They also spoke about "openings" on The Way.  How we can sometimes miss the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves for a variety of reasons.

    We can't know when those openings will arise; but they will. We do however have the free will to pass and stay shallow.

    Oh, and today, I heard today with Rob Bell, "All systems bend toward self-preservation."

    That groups will lean toward what is good for the group.  I am so an example of that.  

    In my experience, the family's preservation had them seeing me as wrong…to preserve the family.

    It isn't all to blame on my changing, but their need to preserve the family at all costs (mainly me) matters more.  I am by far secondary and much lower on the totem pole in their hierarchy of needs.

    A sentiment was written to me, "Life is short, my prayer is that someday you will be back in our lives."

    This sentence is an act to control me.  To reign me in, to get me back in line within the family.  

    What I marvel about, is that most who have spoken to me, speak from the level of the group and not as an individual.  Our individual relationship is non-existent.  "In our lives" is different, than in my life.

    It is good to know, that the nature of systems is to bend towards self-preservation.  It isn't personal.  A family group is doing what systems naturally do.

    I too used to see the family as one lump…and each of us had a role, and responsibility, in keeping our family together.  

    My opening to a deeper self had me glimpsing at the truth that lay beneath our family. It was the most critical part on my journey.  Had I missed this opening, I would not be who I am today.

    While the journey has been one of a million sorrows, it has also been brilliantly orchestrated and wildly full of free will…and the journey of self-love.

    I hope to one day walk this El Camino, a narrow stretch of land, whose reputation is that it opens you to your soul…or a deeper level of life.  A journey that changes how you see yourself in the world.

    I love how we are asked to change ourselves and not the world around us.  But, for us to see it as it is.

    One more thing.  I have seen often on Facebook, "I hope something good happens to you today", or "Something good is on its way to you soon" etc.  

    What this does is leave you out of today. It keeps you hoping for 'something' coming.  It doesn't say, look around your path today. Look beneath your feet, in the space where your breath is for something good.  Find the gold today.  Find your happiness and joy here.  You can do it.  It isn't coming on a whim in some distant future brought by some unknown thing.  

    It is here Now.  

    It is already here.  

    Look and see what wonder your journey holds today.

    Stop waiting.

    The journey is unfolding each day, see the sights it offers.

    You don't need to go to the El Camino, The Way is living now…and loving what is.

     

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    PS – I listened today to a delightful Rabbi. She was a guest on Rob Bell's podcast, Rabbi Sharon Brous.  Even if you are not interested in religion, she has a wonderful life story and a great wish for humanity.