Category: Another’s view

Melody Beattie writes about boundaries in "The New Codependency".

"Boundaries"

When:

.we're done saying "yes" when we mean "no";

.hurtful , disrespectful behavior must stop;

. we're ready to say how we feel, whether people want to hear it or not;

. we're willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that became one-way streets;

. we're ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them they didn't pay back money they borrowed instead of us feeling awkward when we didn't do anything wrong;

.we can't stand what's happening;

.we're done letting someone drive us crazy;

.the pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person;

.we'll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occurr;

. we want to stop doing something but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something but people don't want us to do that;

"When I'd say, "I wish I could buy boxes of boundaries – I'd take four," in my talks after writing Codependent No More, people laughed and cheered.  The word boundaries as it applies to personal limits was only now entering our vocabularies. I didn't know much about boundaries yet.  Many people didn't either."

"Boundaries aren't something we just "get".  They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear."

"Boundaries are the limits of Love."

"TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY;

.what we'll do if people don't stop treating us a particular way;

. what people can or can't do to or around us – in our space;

.how far we'll go for someone;

.how far other people can go with us;

.what we will and won't tolerate;

."yes" when we mean it;

."no" when that's our answer;

."maybe" when we are unsure;

.what we will or won't do if people don't respect the boundaries we set.

"Boundaries come from speaking our truth.

BOUNDARIES REQUIRE

.self-awareness,

.self-love,

.honest communication,

.saying the hard stuff,

.aligning with or stepping into our power. 

Limits can make or break relationships. They aren't only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.

HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:

.respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;

.asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding or insisting;

.doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;

.asking if its a good time to  talk when we call;

.not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;

.not borrowing, without asking;

.paying debts on time;

.telling the truth;

.being nonjudgmental;

.not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;

.not pushing our beliefs on others;

.not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;

.calling at normal hours unless it's a true emergency and not drama;

.not talking about others behind their backs;

.not assuming we know the facts unless we do;

.not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors;

When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask!   Melody

Part of growing up or healing from abusive childhoods and even adult relationship IS to learn how to set boudaries or to even find them.

I learned that I have very few boundaries and that it was quite shocking to me and others when I discovered this tool.

And, I love her line…"Boundaries come from speaking out truth!"

I set out to speak my truth and set boundaries along the way.

It wasn't overnight.

Each moment of time and in each encounter I faced my truth.

And in doing so set another boundary.

You don't have to know what you like or dislike, what you have to be willing to do is feel your truth and then speak it and enforce it by requiring this….and setting out a consequence when it doesn't happen.

What I know for certain is being truthful has given me a life that honors me and in doing so honors who they are too.

I am not concerned or trying to change anyone; rather I am only trying to live my life in truth.  And I honor my truth enough to say it out loud.

Again, from "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins.

"There is a simple way to become conscious of the underlying emotional goal behind any activity through the use of the question, "What for?"  With each answer, "What for?" is asked again and again until the basic feeling is uncovered. An example would be the following. A man wants a new Cadillac. His mind gives all the logical reasons but the logic doesn't really explain it.  So he asks himself, "What do I want the Cadillac for?" "Well," he says, "it is to achieve status, recognition, respect, and solid citizen success," Again: "What do I want status for?" "Respect and approval from others," he might say, "and to ensure that respect." Again: "What do I want respect and approval for?"  "To have the feeling of security."  Again: "What do I want security for?"  "To feel happy."  The continual question, "What for," reveals that basically there are feelings of insecurity, unhappiness, and lack of fulfillment. Every activity or desire will reveal that basic goal is to achieve a certain feeling. There are on other goals than to overcome fear and achieve happiness. Emotions are connected with what we believe will ensure our survival, not with what actually will. Emotions themselves are actually the cause of the basic fear that drives everyone to seek security constantly." David

What I found so intriguing in this, is that we keep looking towards new goals but rarely ask "What For?"

And, at first glace the reasons seem kind and even healthy, but what drives the goal is by far more important.  What feelings lie underneath?

David Hawkings has what he calls a "Scale of Emotions".

"The Scale of Emotions"

"For simplicity and clarity, we will utilize the scale of emotions that correspond with the levels of consciousness. A thorough presentation of consciousness levels , their scientific basis, and practical application is found in Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior".

"Briefly, everything emits energy, either positive or negative. Intuitively, we know the difference between a positive person (friendly, genuine, considerate) and a negative one (greedy, deceitful, hateful).  The energy of Mother Teresa was obviously different from the energy of Adolf Hitler; most people's energy is somewhere in between the two. Music, places, books, animals, intentions, and all of life emit an energy that can be "calibrated" as to its essence and its degree of truth."

"Like goes to like." The different energies constellate in "attractor patterns" or "levels of consciousness."  Each level of consciousness (or attractor pattern) is calibrated on logarithmic scale of energetic power, ranging from 1-1000. The level of Full Enlightenment (1000), at the top of the Map, represents the highest level attainable in the human realm; it is the energy of Jesus Christ, the Buddha, and Krishna. The level of Shame (20) is at the bottom, close to death, representing bare survival."

"The level of Courage (200) is the critical point that marks the shift from negative to positive energy. It is the energy of integrity, being truthful, empowerment, and having the capacity to cope. The levels of consciousness below Courage are destructive, whereas the levels above it are life-supportive. A simple muscle-test reveals the difference: negative stimuli (below 200) instantly weakens the muscle, and positive stimuli (above 200) instantly strengthen the muscle.  True "power" strengthens; "force" weakens. Above the level of Courage, people seek us out because we give energy to them ("power") and we have goodwill towards them.  Below the level of Courage, people avoid us because we take energy from them ("force") and we want to use them for our own material or emotional needs."

Here, we deliniante the basic scale, starting from the higher energies to the lower:

Peace (600)  This is experienced as perfection, bliss, effortlessness, and oneness.  It is a state of non-duality beyond separatemess and beyond the intellect, as in the "peace that passeth all understanding."  It is described as Illumination and Enlightenment. It is rare in the human realm.

Joy (540) Love that is unconditional and unchanging, despite circumstances and actions of others.  The world is illuminated by exquisite beauty, which is seen in all things.  The perfection of creation is self-evident. There is closeness to unity and discovery of Self; compassion for all; enormous patience; the feeling of at-oneness with others and a concern for their happiness. A sense of self-completion and self-suffieciency prevails.

Love (500) A way of being that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive.  It does not proceed from the mind; rather, it emanates from the heart.  Love focuses on the essence of a situation, not the details.  It deals with wholes, not particulars. As perception is replaced with vision, it takes no position and sees the intrinsic value and lovability of all that exists.

Reason (400) This aspect differentiates humans from the animal world. There is the ability to see things in the abstract, to conceptualize, to be objective, and to make rapid and correct decisions.  Its enormous utility is problem solving. Science, philosophy, medicine, and logic are expressions of this level.

Acceptance (350) This energy is easy going, laid back, harmonious, flexible, inclusive, and free of inner resistance. "Life is good.  You and I are good. I feel connected." It meets life on life's terms. There is no need to blame others or blame life.

Willingness (310) This energy subserves survival by virtue of a positive attitude that welcomes all expressions of life.  It is friendly, helpful, wants to assist, and seeks to be of service.

Neutrality (250) This is a way of life that is comfortable, pragmatic, and relatively free of emotionality. "It's okay either way," It is free of rigid positions, nonjudgmental, and noncompetitive.

Courage (200) This energy says, "I can do it." It is determined, excited about life, productive, independent, and self-empowered. Effective action is possible.

Pride (175)"My way is the best way," says this level.  It's focus is achievement, desire for recognition, specialness, and perfectionism. It feels "better than…" and superior to others.

Anger (150) This energy overcomes the source of fear by force, threats, and attack.  It is irritable, explosive, bitter, volatile, and resentful. It likes to "get even," as in "I'll show you."

Desire (125) It is always seeking gain, acquisition, pleasure and "getting" something outside oneself. It is insatiable, never satisfied, and craving. "I have to have it." "Give me what I want, and give it to me now!"

Fear (100) This energy sees "danger," which is "everywhere." It is avoidant, defensive, preoccupied with security, possessive of others, jealous, restless, anxious, and vigilant.

Grief (75) There is helplessness, despair, loss, regret, and the feeling, "If only I had…" Separation.  Depression. Sadness.  Being a "loser." Mournful, as in "I can't go on."

Apathy (50) This energy is characterized by hopelessness, playing dead, being a "drain" to others, being immoblized, and the feelings: "I can't" and "Who cares?" Poverty is common.

Guilt (30) In this energy field one wants to punish and be punished. It leads to self-rejection, masochism, remorse, "feeling bad," and self-sabotage. "It's all my fault," Accident proneness, suicidal behavior, and projection of self-hatred onto "evil" others are common.  It is the basis of many psychosomatic illnesses.

Shame (20) Characterized by humiliation, as in "hanging your head in shame." It is traditionally accompanied by banishment. It is destructive to health and leads to cruelty toward self and others.  

"In general, we can say that the lower end of the scale is associated with lower vibrational frequencies; lower energy, lower power, poorer life circumstances, poorer relationships, less abundance, less love, and poorer physical and emotional health. Because of the low energy, such needy people drain us on all levels. They tend to be avoided and find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail).

"As we let go of negative feelings, there is a progressive movement up and the scale to Courage and then beyond, with increasing effectiveness, success, and more effortless abundance. We tend to seek out such people. We say thay are "high". They give off life energy to all living things around them. Animals are attracted to them. They have a green thumb and positively influence the lives of all with whom they come in contact. At the level of Courage, the negative feelings have not all disappeared, but now we have sufficient energy to handle them because we've re-owned our power and self-adequacy. The fastest way to move from the bottom to the top is by telling the truth to ourselves and others."  David

It is amazing how our emotions are markers for our consciousness and how we interact with our feelings creates the content of energy we hold.

When I began living from the inside. Feeling the feelings I had overlooked and denied, the feelings were very overwhelming and intense.  It would seem like the negative ones would kill you and demolish who you are, and instead…I faced each of them and allowed them to be….felt the honesty of each.  Eventually, like hungry children, they became silent.  And, I didn't die.

Looking back, it is hard to explain the force each carried…and how it felt to be so small in comparison to its volume. It is almost like the color and sound were on full volume and I had previously been living in a black and white silent world.

Or dead, maybe frozen…and suddenly very alive.

Here is another paragraph that really struck me.

"Fear of Life is really the fear of Emotions.  It is not the facts that we fear but our feelings about them.  Once we have mastery over our feelings, our fear of life diminishes. We feel a greater self-confidence, and we are willing to take greater chances because we now feel that we can handle the emotional consequences, whatever they might be. Because fear is the basis of all inhibitions, mastery over fear means the unblocking of whole avenues of life experience that previously had been avoided."  David

This is the only way it makes sense that so called normal folk, can't hear and understand the facts about incest and sexual abuse within families. What is more true, is they can't handle the emotions the facts bring with them. 

In "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins, he writes…

"Feelings and Mental mechanisms"

"We have three major ways of handling feelings: suppression, expression, and escape. We will discuss each in turn."

1. Suppression and repression. These are the most common ways in which we push feelings down and put them aside. In repression, this happens when unconsciously; in suppression it happens consciously.  We don't want to be bothered by feelings and, besides, we don't know what else to do with them and try to keep functioning as we can. The feelings that we select to be suppressed or repressed are in accord with the conscious and unconscious programs we carry within us from social custom and family training. The pressure of suppressed feelings is later felt as irritability, mood swings, tension in the muscles of the neck, headaches, cramps, menstrual disorders, colitis, indigestion, insomnia, hypertension, allergies, and other somatic conditions."

"When we repress a feeling, it is because there is so much guilt and fear over the feeling that it is not even consciously felt at all.  It becomes instantly thrust into the unconscious as soon as it threatens to emerge.  The repressed feeling is then handled in a variety of ways to ensure that it stays repressed and out of awareness."

"Of these mechanisms used by the mind to keep the feeling repressed, denial and projection are perhaps the best-known methods, as they tend to go together and reinforce each other. Denial results in major emotional and maturational blocks. It is usually accompanied by the mechanism of projection.  Because of guilt and fear, we repress the impulse or feeling, and we deny its presence within us.  Instead of feeling it, we project it onto the world and those around us. We experience the feelings as if it belonged to "them."  "They" then become the enemy, and the mind searches for and finds justification to reinforce the projection. Blame is placed on people, places, institutions, food, social conditions, fate, God, luck, the devil, foreigners, ethnic groups, political rivals, and other things outside of ourselves. Projection is the main mechanism in use by the world today. It accounts for all wars, strife, and civil disorder. Hating the enemy is even encouraged in order to become a "good citizen." We maintain our own self-esteem at the expense of others and eventually, this results in social breakdown. The mechanism of projection underlies all attack, violence, aggression, and every form of social destruction."

2. Expression. With this mechanism, the feeling is vented, verbalized, or stated in body language, and acted out in endless group demonstrations. The expression of negative feelings allow just enough of the inner pressure to be let out so that the remainder can be suppressed. This is a very important point to understand, for many people in society today believe that expressing their feelings frees them from the feeling.  The facts are to the contrary. The expression of a feeling, first tends to propagate that feeling and give it greater energy. Second, the expression of the feeling merely allows the remainder to be suppressed out of awareness."

"The balance between suppression and expression varies in each individual depending on early training, current cultural norms and mores, and the media. Expressing oneself is now in vogue as a result of a misunderstanding of the work of Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis. Freud pointed out that suppression was the cause of neurosis; therefore, expression was mistakenly thought to be the cure. This misinterpretation became a license for self-indulgence at the cost of others. What Freud actually said , in classical psychoanalysis, was that the repressed impulse or feeling was to be neutralized, sublimated, socialized, and channeled into constructive drives of love, work and creativity."

"If we dump our negative feelings on others, they experience it as an attack and they, in turn, are forced to suppress, express, or escape the feelings; therefore, the expression of negativity results in the deterioration and destruction of relationships. A far better alternative is to take responsibility for our own feelings and neutralize them. Then, only positive feelings remain to be expressed."

3. Escape. Escape is the avoidance of feelings through diversion. This avoidance is the backbone of the entertainment and liquor industries, and also the route of the workaholic. Escapism and avoidance of inner awareness is a socially condoned mechanism. We can avoid our own inner selves and keep our feelings from emerging by an endless variety of pursuits, many of which eventually become addictions as our dependency upon them grows."

"People are desperate to stay unconscious. We observe how often people flick on the television set the minute they enter a room and then walk around in a dream-like state, constantly being programmed by the data poured into them. People are terrified of facing themselves. They dread even a moment of aloneness. Thus the constant frantic activities: the endless socializing, talking, texting, reading, music playing, working, traveling, sightseeing, gambling, movie-going, pill taking, drug using, and cocktail-partying."

Many of the foregoing mechanisms of escape are faulty, stressful, and ineffective. Each of them requires increasing amounts of energy in and of itself.  Enormous amounts of energy are required to keep down the growing pressure of the suppress and repressed feelings. There is a progressive loss of awareness and an arrest of growth. There is a loss of creativity, energy, and real interest in others. There is a halting of spiritual growth and eventually the development of physical and emotional illness, disease, aging and premature death. The projection of these repressed feelings result in the social problems, disorders, and the increase of selfishness and callousness characteristic of our present society. Most of all, the effect is the inability to truly love and trust another person, which results in emotional isolation and self-hatred."

"In contrast to the above, what happens instead when we let go of a feeling? The energy behind the feeling is instantly surrendered and the net affect is decompression. The accumulated pressure begins to decrease as we constantly let go. Everyone knows that, when we let go, we immediately feel better. The body's physiology changes. There are detectable improvements in skin color, breathing, pulse, blood pressure, muscle tension, gastro-intestinal function, and blood chemistries.  In the state of inner freedom, all bodily functions and organs move in the general direction of normalcy and health. There is an immediate increase in muscle power. Vision improves and our perception of the world and ourselves changes for the better. We feel happier, more loving, and more easygoing."  David

It is amazing and quite shocking and incredibly true, "People are terrified of facing themselves. They dread even a moment of aloneness."

Imagine. We don't want to face ourselves!

We will do endless amounts of behaviors to keep us from seeing who we are and to acknowledge own and be responsible for our feelings.  

I know this to be true.

I also know, and recognized, it was up to me to take the negative and neutralize it and not spew forth more negative energy.  

David goes on to write….about Feelings and Stress.

"There is much attention and publicity given to the subject of stress without a real understanding of essential nature. It is said that we are more stress-prone than ever.  What is the essential cause of stress?  Certainly is is not the external precipitating factors. they are merely examples of the mechanism we described as projection. It is "they" or "it" that is thought to be the culprit when, in fact, what we are feeling is merely the letting go of the inner pressure of repressed emotions. It is these repressed feelings that make us feel vulnerable to external stress."

"The real source of "stress" is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within to be triggered by a stimulus. The more fear we have on the inside, the more our perception of the world is changed to a fearful, guarded expectancy. To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place.  To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person, it is a world of temptation and sin, which they see everywhere. What we are holding inside colors our world. If we let go of guilt, we will see innocence; however, a guilt-ridden person will see only evil. The basic rule is that we focus on what we have repressed."  David

I am enjoying this book so far and I am only on the first chapter!  It certainly explains how we all see the world so differently.  How you see it, IS what is inside!

I am reading "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie.  

She writes;

"Years after writing "Codependent No More, I was haunted by the fear that loving myself would make me lazy and self-indulgent.  It took a long time to know that appreciating myself is motivating."

"It's not what we don't know that hurts us," people say. "It's what we believe is true that isn't that does the damage."

"There's a difference between loving someone and being trapped in a miserable marriage.  There's a difference between giving to get someone to like us, which leaves us resentful, and giving from heartfelt generosity. There's a difference between enabling someone to drink and nurturing people we love, between narcissism and self-love, and between self-centeredness and staying centered in ourselves."

"While alcoholism in the family can help create codependency, it isn't essential.  Some people call codependency a disease. But how do we know whether it's a disease or a problem? Does it help to call ourselves sick when we already suffer from low self worth?  The behaviors associated with codependency make perfect sense if we look closely enough. It's understandable that we would confuse control with love when control is all we've known. It makes sense that we think controlling will keep us safe because it did – for awhile. All codependent behavior makes sense if traced back to their origins."

"The behaviors associated with codependency – from controlling to caretaking – are behaviors that saved our lives when we didn't know what else to do.  In most situations, whether alcoholism was involved or not, codependent behaviors are what anyone might do if he or she had walked for five or ten years in our shoes."

"It's natural to hurt when we lose a marriage or to go crazy when we discover our daughter smokes crack.  Many codependent behaviors – such as worrying or controlling – are what ordinary people do from time to time. But we get into trouble when these become behaviors we can't stop."

"Codependency is normal behavior, plus. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. We forget where the other person's responsibilities begin and our responsibilities stop. Or we get busy and have so much to do that we neglect ourselves."

"Codependents may be smothering, clinging, and needy (they kill us with kindness and try to please us until we can't stand them). On the brighter side, once they work through these issues, they can become outstanding people.  Many use their experiences to become successful entrepreneurs. Studies show that people who grow up in troubled families handle stress significantly better than others, they keep going when people around them who had it easier fold."

"Some professionals call people with codependency issues, "over achievers," but that's demeaning. "They're super-achievers," one therapist said. That's kinder and more appropriate. Solving problems and possessing endurance (two positive codependent traits) are second nature to people who have already been through so much."

"When we start taking care of ourselves, the deficits from our pasts transform into assets. Many people with codependency issues are loyal and dedicated. They get the job done. They obsess, but they also persevere. They want to help, and once they learn to help themselves, they usually do. Many become leaders, people who change the world."

"Codependency is about crossing the lines. How can we tell if what we're doing is codependent? When we cross the line into the Codependent Zone, we've usually go an ulterior motive for what we do, and what we're doing hurts us. It doesn't work. This handbook will help us get back our lives.Then we can choose behaviors that work for us."

"It's easier to see what other people are doing than it is to see ourselves. That's a human trait and codependent behavior. Because codependent behavior protects us, letting go of them can feel frightening at first. Are you willing to feel uncomfortable for a while?"  Melody

This book is about crossing the line.

The line of responsibility.

It is to give back responsibility, and to free ourselves to live our lives independently and happy and do what we love.

So far a great affirmation of my journey!

I also LOVE this line. "It's not what we don't know that hurts us," people say. "It's what we believe is true that isn't that does the damage."

Believing something to be true that isn't is the cause of much suffering. To believe something that isn't there.  And, then the grieving process of its loss.

I look forward to more of what she writes.  I listened to this book, but love to have the hard copy in my hand!