I have been asked to write a guest post of Response Ability…The RESPONSE ABILITY® Project empowers people to intervene in problem situations and be an Every|Day Hero.
And I have sent in three drafts so far.
The tough part is that in order to be a hero in your own life and deal with your sexual abuse by a father, you have to destroy the kind father image you carried. The imaginary life, the only one you have grown-up with will be shattered. And, secondary, most of us in society don't want to hear or see someone trashing family; we see that as being disrespectful. So, then the question becomes how do you exit your family who abused you without injuring them?
Is there a kind and gentle way to leave them or for them to leave you as you speak and break the silence? Will the exit not be as hard as the initial abuse, minus the lure and grooming?
How do you be an everyday hero in a family that depends upon your silence?
Somehow the old heroes of abuse were to suck it up and forgive and forget…that those who can withstand the abuse are seen as stronger than those of us who leave. A family who can support, defend and uphold the abusive parents are more loving and kind, than those whose lives are dedicated to ending the abuse of future generations.
Something is very backwards.
To be an everyday hero in your life, you will become the enemy of the family.
Society will often stand with the family and works equally as hard to hold it together, while the victim is left standing alone; untreated.
The treatment that will help alleviate the affects of abuse is for others to see the monster who wounded us; and not to see him or treat him as a father.
I am often accused of focusing on the evil and not trying to emphasize the good…like it would be helpful and restore our family IF I could do this.
Would it restore me?
Is it helpful in my recovery to not see the abuse?
Can you change the pattern of abuse by not seeing it there?
There is a very weird phenomena that is present with sexual abuse within a family that is unlike any other human affliction. When cancer is in your body, we are not asked to stand by the cancer or be with it or like it or focus on its good parts. And, yet when sexual abuse from a father enters, it appears reasonable people lose their reason.
Sexual abuse from a stranger is easier to find solutions to. You can simply stay away from that stranger, not invite him to the holidays and no one is freaked by it…in fact, they would be horrified if you did. It would appear you were insane to want to have a relationship with this stranger who abused you.
And, yet, the fact that the sexual predator is your father, you are expected to do just that.
How can we keep the rules, if you wil,l for healing be the same IF the perpetrator is related to you or your 'friend'? How can we explore and figure out the dynamics that victims encounter when the abuse comes from within?
I see the everyday hero as being the one who will stand up in the family and not sit in silence. I see a hero who will give up her family in order to stop the abuse from flowing to the next generation.
The only way abuse ends is when we end the denial that it is happening.
When we stop enabling and supporting and forgiving those who harm us.
When we put up boundaries and raise our voices in saying I require more in my relationships.
My mother modeled for me how to keep abuse alive and well in her home for 49 years and its consequence was that my father had a victims for over 4 decades that he called family…and their friends.
How do you model a different behavior without acting different? Is it possible for the words to be spoken, but no action taken and it be the change the family needs?
Here is what I know. Words were spoken to my father, about my father, among others of my father, but no words were spoken to the children from my mother…about my father and his sexual desires with little girls.
And, more importantly, no actions were taken that removed him from our home.
No heroes arose for the victims.
And, the victims themselves did not speak up… until the second generation…and it changed very little within the family.
And the ones who did make changes, were criticized for it. They are not heroes.
The outspoken victims are expected to speak up, but there is no expectation of the family being dismantled.
They want our voices of truth and integrity but to find forgiveness and kindness towards those who hurt you.
Again, if this was a stranger who raped you, you would not be asked to do this…or to spend holidays and invite them to weddings.
How can we elevate the victim into empowerment and allow the family structure to crumble and be okay with it. I am.
For, It wasn't me who assembled the soddy foundation of family.
My parents designed our family by what they put into it and what they paid attention to and how they responded within. The family was damaged by my father's hand and my mother who looked away…not by me saying so.
We all contribute ourselves to the family. The family is only as good as what each individual brings to it.
The problem of sexual abuse within a family is a hard one to solve or to intervene in, for you are stepping on hallowed ground. This is the juxtaposition all victims are dealing with when they even begin to consider speaking their truths…you know you will face the wrath of family…and lose their love.
Heroes in sexual abuse with family members are the ones who deserve the most support and are given none…or little.
I believe that what messes with our heads and hearts the most is that the family continues on, regardless of our abuse.
Like nothing truly happened to us.
I am not certain I can write for the Response Ability. For my ability to respond tampers with the ideals of family and the 5th commandment. I am going against what most stand up for.
I M Perfect lady 