I M Perfect lady

Category: Another’s view

  • By Being Me.

    I really enjoyed listening to Melody Beattie's book "The New Codependency" she wrote this many years after her best seller, "Codependency No More".  

    Codependency is much more pervasive than one might think and it has very little to do with living with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs; it is more about how  aware we are of our selves….our bodies, our feelings, our choices or the lack thereof, of how free we are in our lives.  Or how disconnected we are with our truth and feelings and the inability to live them out.

    I am betting most people don't even know they are dependent upon others…or that they have been taught to live codependently.  

    There are telling signs.

    If you believe that others have the power to make you feel something.

    Like your feeling switch is outside of you, and you are being directed like a puppet on a string…and your life would change when others change.  You keep your focus on how others are acting and what they are doing right and wrong and how IF only they would do such and such, you would feel better.  Be happier and more at peace feel more loving etc.

    Until you can recognize that you and your feelings have nothing to do with other people, you will live a life of codependency.

    She talked briefly on Guilt.

    How we think it is a feeling.

    And yet it doesn't really have a feeling in the body; but it is more something that blocks us from moving. This concept has me thinking.

    Guilt isn't a feeling like sadness or happiness….rather it blocks us from moving.

    How often do you hear how guilt stops people?  They would feel too guilty for doing this or that.  Interesting how religions use guilt to control people.

    I had to look up the definition of Guilt.

    "1 : the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct. 2 a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously." 

    "make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.

     

    "Celeste had been guilted into going by her parents"
     
    "The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame."
     
    Now how interesting is this….it is more about doing something wrong.
     
    In my journey to being more Me, I discovered that most of the crimes I committed were following my feelings.  I wasn't breaking the law or neglecting my responsibilities, but rather becoming more responsible for me, not less.
     
    There will be guilt when you no longer feel responsible for how others feel.  When you cast aside the codependency living.
     
    But, I believe you will only feel guilty when you believe in codependency as a lifestyle.  
     
    My old religion had deep wells of things to feel guilty about…most of them were my personal choices that they had taken away.  And I felt/feel guilty when I try to take them back.
     
    Similar are the traits that a dysfunctional family steals from its members. The right and freedom to feel and be with your truth.
     
    Again, we are put into a state of denial when we don't recognize that our freedom to be fully ourselves has been taken away.  We suffer a loss of self, but were too young to even know it.  We live in denial, when we can't access our feelings and live in their truths.
     
    I recall feeling the complete and utter space….and lack of knowing who I was, when my family and church both fell in ruins.  I didn't know who I was without their definitions of me.  I had none of my own.  I was so codependent.  I had not only lost myself, but I had no clue who I was.  
     
    The sentiment that lived with me for a few years….is "I am lost and I am going to go myself and I don't know who I am." It is to search for something but you have no idea what it is….only that it is missing. 
     
    How do you miss a self you never even knew?
     
    Most of the past 10 years has been to become Me.
     
    And, in doing so, I have lost lots.
     
    But most of what I lost, were people that defined me from what their needs were…they are blind to what I needed, to be me.
     
    I could not have found myself by what they needed me to be.
     
    I had to rediscover who I was, by how I felt and to follow my feelings…to dare speak my truth and to act upon it. 
     
    I did find me by being Me.  
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Through your feelings!

    I have been listening to Melody Beattie's book, "The New Codependency"  and I am finding many things that I agree with or that I am surprised in hearing.

    Like "The opposite of Repression is Expression"…she is talking about feelings. When we repress our feelings, they just sit inside of our bodies until we can feel them.  They need expression in order for them to be released. In fact, she speaks of feelings as the latest "Catch and Release" program.  Feelings and emotions are not meant to be stuffed down or repressed, but expressed.  

    She, like I, speak about how it is unreasonable to want, or seek, only happiness and joy. How, in order to be authentic, we have to have access to all our feelings. That our bodies are trying to tell us something by our feelings.  Our emotions are often asking us to move in some direction depending upon how we feel.

    The other thing…"Resist equals denial".  When we resist something, we are not welcoming it or accepting, but wanting things to be different. Another way to see and understand denial.

    And, that "Denial is Grief".  

    I knew folks could get stuck in grief, but I didn't understand that they would get stuck on a certain stage or level. That for some who have lost their innocence or sense of security and trust or love, are in grief.  They haven't moved on to anger or acceptance.  They are still in denial that something has changed in their lives.

    Another part that I related to was about gaining power.  It isn't that we ourselves find power, but while standing with our truth the Universe aligns itself with us….hence we are empowered.

    My brother and I would often split hairs about "grace" and I never could quite put words to how my truth made me feel powerful.  This is where it comes from.  It is like the Universe sides up to you as soon as you are speaking and acting in true authenticity.  It is grace to be one with the Universe.

    All in all, there are many more places I would pull from and will when I have the hard copy of the book.  I highly recommend this book for those who are disconnected with their feelings. Or, for those who have a hard time speaking their truth.

    Codependency is when you find yourself needing others in order to feel.

    When you feel someone is the cause of your unhappiness or even your happiness, you are dependent upon them to feel.

    It is when you have access to your own feelings, when you feel that you are able to catch and release, when you no longer repress your truth, but express it….that you are no longer codependent…but able to live and feel within yourself.

    Codependency is often tagged with alcohol or drugs etc….but really we are all raised to be codependent and that is a very powerless state to be in. Where you believe someone has the power to control your feelings. If they do…you are codependent.

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    The path to your self is through your feelings!

  • Can’t stay in Reality.

    One of my major hurdles, was to let go of was denial.  

    Denial was a place I lived for 46 years…and, for the past 10 awake.

    It has been hard for me to explain how I choose denial over reality or how I could use denial to block reality.  

    Denial is very powerful.  

    And once you 'wake up' you can't find the physical evidence of denial anywhere, there is no trace…except that the life you thought was there, was so far off the mark.  

    Denial is a place in the mind where we go and truth cannot follow…it is the alternative to reality.

    I had to look up the word, "Denial" and I found this.


    Denial (Psychological)

    Denial consists of the refusal to accept a past or present reality and is most commonly employed to protect the host from their own negative traits; to protect them from the repeated memories of the negative actions of another or to avoid recognizing their own guilt from past actions, thoughts or feelings.

    It is a self-defense mechanism employed by aspects of the subconscious mind in an attempt to protect emotional and psychological wellbeing.

    Denial can be a scary and very sad thing to witness in someone that you love or care about; it is generally very difficult to help someone see the truth and especially for them to truly believe and accept that reality on a long term basis.

    People deny responsibility every day for a number of things; but denial itself goes deeper into the psyche than that.  While people in denial generally still have the seed of truth still buried within their heads, they generally cannot believe that it is the truth even when confronted with it. This is due to the mind in effect rewiring or superimposing a more acceptable reality over the original memory.

    Even with abject proof of an events occurrence, someone in denial is highly unlikely to fully accept the particular reality that their mind has decided they cannot cope with. They are more likely in that instance to use projection or minimization or to continue to revery back to being in full blown denial.

    What I had not considered, even though I have been staring at it…is that it is an act of defense. AND, it is used to protect the "host" (self ) from their own negative traits.

    What is so hard for my mind to wrap around is that this is all done subconsciously and unknown from the person in denial. It is like we found an alternative universe to live on…and we see people as we want to see them, not as they are.

    The other thing that popped out at me, was the ability to stay with the truth LONG TERM.  

    This to me is crucial.  For it does sometimes appear that folks are hearing the truth and agreeing with it, and yet their actions never change.  It is like they looked at the truth and then decided to not be affected by it…but to resume their usual activity.

    I recall some family members stating that my father's truth would not change their worlds…that they are not going to let it "ruin" their lives…and returned to life as if nothing happened.

    To me…this is denial.

    How is it possible to have children who were abused and you continue on as if nothing changed?

    The only explanation is, they are defending their own selves from their own negative traits.  It has nothing to do with my father, his actions OR their children.

    What I now believe, is that my break down out of denial came when I was willing and able to look at my negative traits…and be open to being with memories. Albeit, they were few.

    Denial is used to protect your emotional and psychological well being.

    However, living in denial Is not being well.  In the end, it allowed my father to continue to abuse…while so many of us denied abuse's existence.  

    It may have been a sheer drop from my lofty cloud of denial into reality…into knowing abuse was everywhere.  But, it was only then, that I was able to distance myself from dysfunction.

    Being in denial, while it keeps the trauma at bay….also keeps us in its midst.

    All it really does is wrap us in a shroud of pretend. We are in reality, with dysfunctional people we just don't know it.

    Scary to see someone in denial and even scarier knowing I lived there for 46 years.

    It is to be in reality with glasses that can't see.

    At least can't see anything that would stir up my trauma.

    So, while I wore the denial glasses…I didn't see abuse.

    It was there, and I was in relationships with those who abused and with those who knew and did nothing.  I was part of the problem when I lived in denial.

    This indeed is a mental illness.  Where the mind can't stay in reality.

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  • Seeds have been planted.

    I listened to Arun Gandhi speak last night…he is the grandson of Gandhi.  His message is to plant seeds of peace, to be peace in action…to eliminate passive violence, which feeds active violence.

    He spoke of how we are controlled by fear instead of being inspired by peace.

    How parents use violence to gain control of their children by threats of punishment.

    It was interesting to see how change needs to come about, how it will not be to make others more peaceful, but to be peace in action.  "Be the change you want to see in the world."

    Easier to want others to change, much harder to actually walk that change.

    Walking the change of parenting from fear based to what he calls Penitence raising.

    I had to look up the definition of Penitence.

    "the action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance."

    When Arun did something wrong, his parents looked at what they were doing wrong and then would fast for a few days trying to figure out where they could do better…while feeding their children. Their behavior was creating problems in their children.

    His father, after catching him in a lie, walked home 18 miles trying to figure out why his son couldn't speak his truth to him.  He didn't punish his son for lying, but rather tried to understand what it was that his son couldn't speak his truth to him, no matter what his truth was.

    Imagine.

    We parent completely backwards.

    He said with penitence you will have a much deeper relationship between child and parent.  

    I can see the difference between responsible penitence parenting…compared to punishing children for doing wrong…or controlling based on them being afraid of you.

    It truly is much harder to be a responsible parent…than one controlling with fear.  Take fear off the table and you will be amazed at how responsible you become and how it feels to not control…but face the responsibility to model peace and being responsible for self.

    It is not a peaceful home if it is controlled into stillness out of fear…

    Peace is to be responsible for you. If you really sit with his message you will see yourself and where you are not at peace, but controlling with fear.

    Peace begins with teaching our children by penitence…

    Thanks Arun, the seeds have been planted.  

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  • Being Visibly Me

    This blog post has stayed with me…."It's Safe to Be Visible"

    ( read it here at http://travelingev.com/2014/09/its-safe-to-be-visible/  ) 

    I consider these two sentences very telling…and familiar.

    “It’s safe to be myself,” and “It’s safe to be visible.”

    What is more alarming is the fact that we are not safe to be ourselves and to do so publicly.

    She comes from the same church that I came from.  She was taught it wasn't safe to be herself and dared not show it.

    The fear of doing so…is almost solid, for what stands in the way is the person we had to become… instead of ourselves.  We have to kill and get rid of the person who overshadowed our Me self.  The one that was accepted by the church and/or family.

    I am now speaking for me, using her two sentences.  I can't know the deeper content that she speaks of. But her and I both were raised in a religion that didn't honor or respect separated individuals; but clung to sameness…a uniform of conformity.

    It isn't so much the banding together in mutual beliefs, but the fact that it is not safe to do otherwise.  

    The word safe seems so odd in those two sentences. But it is quite accurate.

    What is unsafe as we change is our relationships with family and friends.

    I know this is about the religion…but it also works in regards to being yourself and visible with your truth in abuse as well.

    I just want to ask…how safe are you to be yourself?

    Or, what do you stand to lose that is more important than being yourself?

    What I learned is that my family was unsafe, it teetered on the edge….for when I stood in the truth of my past, they disappeared.

    Intuitively we all know what is on the edge…what will be tipped and flung aside.  We know what we stand to lose.  Most of us will not be visibly authentic…for it costs too much.

    I found, that nothing is worth more than being visibly me.

    Thanks Ev for sharing!

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  • Who we are.

     

    What a difference in understanding this woman displays…

    It is incredible in showing how each of us is responsible for our pain and how the pain itself, in the body, is there to show us what we are believing.  And to question our thoughts with "Is it true?"

    Thanks Carl for sharing this with me.

    It affirms me.

    Our children are so brave to bring us the truth…if we have the space open to receive it, they will show us who we are.  

     

     

  • Men Engage

    I had a chance to talk to the man who spoke at the Take Back the Night event last night.  He attended the Dial Help Gala…and it has taken me a day to assimilate what the difference was about his talk.

    For the first time as a victim I felt I didn't have a responsibility; it wasn't my duty…the message wasn't for victims to create change, but for men to act against the men who abuse.  

    I told him it felt strange to be in the audience and not have to feel like it was my fight, but rather someone was fighting for me.

    Me being a woman/victim.

    His whole message was to be the voice women need….  The voice of the strong un-abusing male, taking to task those who feel it is their right to hurt women in word and deed.

    I almost felt the passing of the baton and to have men picking it up.  

    For instead of teaching women how to ward off abuse, they will teach men NOT to abuse.  It makes so much sense, it amazes me it has taken so long to begin.

    He is part of Men Engage…a online organization that promotes gender equality around the world.  Our local group is Men Matter and Russ is lending his wisdom as they learn and grow.  Things will change as men engage! 

  • Walked with us.

    Just came from the Take Back the Night event…about 150 students were in attendance.  A great jump from the last one I attended!  The speaker Russ Funk, spoke to the guys, mainly.  In how to be vocal and visible in leading other men, to stop tolerating negative talk and actions against women.  

    It changes the responsibility and places it where it belongs….on crimes against women perpetrated by men….on men.  It isn't how women dress etc, but how other men speak up or stay silent.  

    What will make the difference is when men stop tolerating men demeaning women.  

    When it becomes socially unacceptable to disrepect women…when men stand up against other men, we will see changes in our society.

    Oddly, most of these types of events, of creating awareness have been started by women.  It is good to see men getting involved.  Until they do, we will not see the kinds of changes our society needs to lower the rates of crimes against women.

    Instead of being victims screaming out for awareness, we will have men stepping in and making men accountable for their actions.  When men no longer tolerate men behaving badly, women's lives will change.

    Thanks to the guys who came….who walked with us.  

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  • To grow

    I watched a few documentaries this weekend about breaking the silence and a family  confronting the abuser; a family friend.

    In both, you see how small the actual event of abuse is, compared to the life effects after.  How the family is without clear tools in the years in which the abuse happened and then the different responses to their abuser.

    Below is a family dealing with the "after" the event…and wrestling with the relationships that follow.


    Awful Normal by cine1_freemovie 

    The other you can rent on Amazon for $2.00.  Called ""Stories of Silence"… Recovering from Boyhood Sexual Abuse." by Director Ethan Delevan

    I am not sure there will ever be a clear cut road free of the abuses effects on your life or what is helpful in recovering, but we are learning more and more how devastating it is to living a life with emotional integrity.

    If you take away anything, it is to see the life struggle without a healthy inner peace and sense of self…when you have to leave the truth behind out of fear or the lack of being believed or the failure for the family to distance themselves from the abuser.

    To see and bear witness to the uncomfortable life of carry the truth, alone.

    What I see is the dramatic change that happens when the stories are told. When the individual faces their abuse and how they appear lighter and stronger.

    We are, as one man said, "At the tip of the iceberg".

    It isn't that we want to continue to spout the ugliness and the criminal aspects of abuse…and its images…for they are horrible enough. But to show the lives…whole lives that are ruined.  The struggle that ensues from the moment after abuse. Until the silence breaks, and we can open the event to the air of truth, it blocks living as a whole emotional being.

    I am encouraged as more and more speak up and the way it changes their lives.  

    It changes them back…slowly towards who they were before abuse.  You will never erase the abuse, but you can get back the aspects of yourself that was taken.

    Breaking the silence frees the child and allows her to grow.

  • True Being.

    I loved this talk.  He opens us all, inviting us into the complex experiences of those who appear different.  Their challenges are really ours to accept.

    Brilliant and articulate!

    My upbringing within a cult-like religion, who cast aside anyone who was of a different faith, schooled me for sameness.  

    And, how sameness equaled special, saved, better than.

    It made me one of the worst kinds in humanity, where difference was not allowed.

    When I too was cast aside for my abuse or my speaking of it, or for my seeing the churches hand in blessing it; allowed me to live as "different". 

    Being Different has made me accepting.

    While I would not want to re-live the past again, I would give nothing for my journey today.  

    What I know for certain, It isn't the "Different" among us who are creating a negative world, but those who can't see them in their true being.