I M Perfect lady

Category: Another’s view

  • Not lost – but here.

     

    Lost by David Wagner. 

    Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
    Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
    And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
    Must ask permission to know it and be known.
    The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
    I have made this place around you.
    If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
    No two trees are the same to Raven.
    No two branches are the same to Wren.
    If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
    You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
    Where you are. You must let it find you.

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    I heard this poem read today on a podcast.

     

    Nature was most real to me – when my world fell apart.

    It felt like a wide encompassing breathing all knowing thing.

    It always was just

    there.

    We rarely think about it – or have to do anything for it to arrive – it is the backdrop to all of our lives.

     

    When my emotions were to big to be in the house, I would step outside and the sun greeted me.

    This huge big living space – held me.

     

    This poem captures what I experienced.

     

    "You are not lost. Wherever you are is Here."

     

    When your world falls apart, you feel anchor-less; floating untethered.

    A stranger to your life, and yourself.

    This poem explains how I felt in its presence.

    I felt present.

    Held in place by the trees, the sun and the steady ground.

    In a knowing presence – while I felt so unknown.

    Unknowing of tomorrow. 

    Unknowing of who I would become.

    Unknowing of what is truth.

    Unknowing of where I had been.

    And, nature seemed unfazed.

    By my past or me.

    Or the future.

    It loved being here.

    Now

    As I was.

    Not lost

    but here.

     

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    My insides and outsides became one.

    And, I one with it.

     

    Small, and whole, and never alone.

     

    An old friend asked me once, IF I still believed in God.  

     

    As if God was in a religion – a cult-like religion. And without a religion – God disappears.

     

    It seems most probable that God is too big for any religion.

     

     

     

     

  • I will be her – until…

     

     

     

    I am reading her book "Between Two Kingdoms" – well listening to her read her book. I love the way she re-frames things in order for her to really live life.

    We often feel like there is a 'correct' way of being.

    And, that after life interrupting events, there is a 'normal' place that is waiting for us to arrive.

     

    What I know from experience, the quicker you can disregard the ideas of normal – or believing that you are 'supposed' to be this way or that, the quicker you will find a new stride.

    The new stride doesn't have to feel easy or comfortable.

    The new way of being means you are okay with you.

     

    The 'after' you.

     

    She is right in saying that the hardest part was after the trauma.  The hard part is to integrate back to a life.

    A life that now holds a stranger – You.

     

    It isn't as if life itself all alters and reflects your own changes.  Instead we have to adjust ourselves in order to hop back on the merry-go-round called life.

     

    Some of my hardest days came long after leaving my family.

    Long after the last conversation.

     

    More, the hardest part of all, was becoming the new version of me that now held sexual abuse -dysfunctional family- toxic religion. How do I live as this?

     

    She talks about leaving the hospital without the inner scaffolding inside of her.

    THIS, I know way too well.

     

    Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a scaffolding that holds us up.

    It is who we know ourselves to be, and fit into the world around us.

    You don't know know that it is there – but you will certainly know when it is no longer there.

     

    Learning to re-build a life after a life interrupting event – takes time.

    And, Fearlessness.

    an, open heart

    and the belief that you can live a life worth living again.

    That you can take the heart that has been shattered, and love from there.

     

    My second build of scaffolding was done by me.

    It was directed by me.

    It is strongly structured by things I know that strengthen me and bring me love, peace and joy.

     

    Early on I realized the before me would never live again.

    I had to find a way to be me, without her and what she was built of.

     

    It is hard to describe the hollow scary spot you get left in – when your scaffolding collapses.

    When there is very little that is holding you up.

     

    I love how she sees the world of two kingdoms and how we move between the two.

    Yet, in estrangement – we mostly are divided into one camp or the other.

    It is rare for us to move between.

    You are either in the family, or out of it.

     

    So, while she worked to assimilate back into society and find a new self.

    I was more learning to live without a family and be that girl – in society.

     

    Our society has placed great value in family.

    With reason.

     

    I too believe in family.

    When family has a pure core.

     

    It is funny, in a peculiar way, that in order to save my own family – I had to leave my family of origin.

     

    If we live long enough, all of us will face some kinds of interruptions in our lives.

     

    The lives we believe will go on forever will, at some point, be changed.

    And, when that happens, you will have to change – in order to live whole.

     

    Accepting the unacceptable – is to live whole.

    Bringing with you all the broken parts and live and love from there.

     

    I have felt that the cost of leaving my family had to equal the value of my new life.

    I needed and sought out a life worth having.

    I intentionally brought in what made my heart happy. 

    I wasn't interested in doing or being fake for the sake of someone or something.

    I needed/wanted a scaffolding of value – as this new me.

     

    The biggest lesson we can learn from her, is that we don't need to be defined by what happened to us, and that we can change who we are when life changes us. And, that all life dark times don't last forever and we can have a wider broader and deepened sense of self – after.

     

    We should teach more of how life can change us.

    How we can live more than one self in our life times.

     

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    I love the 2.2 version of Me.  

    I will be her – until…

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • What didn’t happen

    "Therapy is about grief; the grief of what didn't happen." Edith Eger

    I heard this on a podcast yesterday with Brene Brown and Edith.  

     

    When you look at your traumas this way, and how you navigate through them, it makes more sense that we are grieving what didn't happen.

    What didn't happen after.

    What others didn't do.

    What we won't be able to do.

    There are huge volumes of loss that ripple away from the original trauma.

     

    What didn't happen to me is a huge hole of sadness.

     

    When you are in a family, there are many things you take for granted – all things that happen.

    And, if you are in a caring and nurturing family, the things that do happen feel like love.

    When your family is dysfunctional and toxic, you grieve what doesn't happen.

    Even if you weren't aware of it consciously, there was an un-named sadness that was the backdrop of your childhood.

     

    And, even always seeking and wanting more.

    We just didn't know the more we sought, was grieving what didn't happen.

     

    In seeing trauma and childhood wounds in the light of what didn't happen, opens up my understanding of the levels of grief I have been processing. It wasn't just the initial hurt – but all that echoed from there.

    From what my father wasn't and who my mother wasn't and how my siblings didn't act – etc and then into what didn't happen for the past so many years.

    All that I have missed.

    A grief of what didn't happen.

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  • Rethink.

    Here is a link to a podcast I listened to with Adam Grant and his new book "Rethink" with Dax Shepard.

     

     

     

    It is long, but interesting in how we as humanity engage with each other.

    We all need to take a moment to consider just how much we know.

    And, how much we don't know.

    Imagine how much of life there is still to explore and learn about.

    And, can anyone truly know it all.

    Even when they act like they do.

     

    He suggested that those on either ends of the spectrum of extremism know less – not more.  Which is what most of us know intuitively as we watch their lives play out.

     

    Each of us act out our thoughts and even intelligence.

    We are fond of saying "Who in their right mind would do such and such."

    Believing that others see life through the same experiences as we do.

    They don't.

    We are all indoctrinated into life by our parents and what they believe and what their religion is – by where we live, what is the color our skin, male or female, and what social economic system we live in. And, there is more that teaches us subliminally by how others act in our circles.

    There is a lot that was programmed into us without a thought.

    I would love for all of us to be willing to Rethink.

     

    I have been shown over the past many years how wrong I was. 

    How wrong the messages I received growing up were wrong.

    How wrong I saw the world, and others in it.

     

    There is much we can all learn, if we Rethink.

     

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  • Our own free will.

    Below is a link I was given – to help me understand how some churches support Donald Trump.

    https://cornerstonechapel.net/?page_id=418&i=1538

    In listening to this, I do understand more.  

    I understand why they would not want change to come to a system that their religion fits into so comfortably.  One that appears to match their interpretations of the Bible.  A system that sees the world, as they see the world.

    It matches, and is comfortable.

    And, it keeps 'evil' out.

     

    What my experience of my religion was, is that those who didn't believe like us or who would threaten our beliefs, they were evil.  If their morals and values didn't match ours, they were seen as threats.

     

    When religion gets into politics, it gets real messy really fast.

     

    Then politics start to look more like a religion – and morals and values are passed through the lens of certain religions.  God starts to be pigeon holed into places and removed from others.

    Maybe when religion gets into humanity, we all lose.

     

    What I know, is that without a religion, I don't fear anything threatening who I am, what I stand for, and how I live my life.  I don't want a religion trying to interfere with my own moral compass.

     

    I am one of the lucky ones. I can freely live as myself – and I have privilege to do so.

     

    Yet, there are many religions whose teachings look down upon others and take away their rights to be themselves.  And, often these religions, see themselves are morality keepers.

     

    I listened to Matthew McConaughey's book and a few of his interviews – About "Greenlights" his book.

    What he would like to see is all of us agreeing on values as humanity.

    What do we as humanity value most?

    What will give respect to all?

    What are the values that will serve all of humanity, not just a few who happen to look and believe like us.

    Value–

    "the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth…"  

    "a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

     

    What are the principles and standards for being human?

    What can our government do to help raise the value of all of us?

    Humanity will benefit greatly when all of us are seen as valuable.

     

    What I value is individual-ness, uniqueness – people being their authentic selves. I don't want cookie cutter groups of humanity. I don't want sameness. I want each of us to be able to live fully in our own expressions of who we are.  

    There are aspects of government that are tricky and messy and when we all work towards value, perhaps we can see clearer.  

    I don't want a government that values one religion over another. One way to see God over another. One sex of humanity over another, one sexual preference over another…

    Mostly the evolution and peacefulness of humanity will be when we all see our individual value as well as the value of all others.

    I do think we vote for what matters to us. 

    What matters to me, is that we all get to live our lives reaching our highest potential.  

    We will not all rise to the same level or become the same; but we will bring our uniqueness to the world.

    A world of beautiful individuals being themselves.

     

    We all lose when there is someone using their power to take away the power of another.

    We will all gain, when we can become self-empowered.

     

    A relationship that has two empowered individuals living their lives to their highest – is one that honors each person. That is the humanity I want to live with.  

    Isn't that what God gave us – our own free will.

     

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  • Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor

    This is a self and world changing podcast by Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor " The Body is not an Apology."  If we could get this, the rest would fall into place.

    https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-sonya-renee-taylor-on-the-body-is-not-an-apology/

    I will first write about this quote.

    There was a quote that moved about on Social Media, that was credited by Brene Brown, when it was actually Sonya Renee Taylor's.

     

    A quote by Sonya Renee Taylor that says, "We will not go back to normal. Normal never was. Our pre-corona existence was not normal other than normalized greed, inequity, exhaustion, depletion, extraction, disconnection, confusion, rage, hoarding, hate and lack. We should not long to return, my friends. We are being given the opportunity to stitch a new garment. One that fits all of humanity and nature."

    This idea is very thought producing.  Not only as the whole of the US society, but of our individual lives.

    What I love about this idea is that what we have called normal, is often way off the mark.

    It may have been normal for our families; but that doesn't mean that it was normal.

     

    She is speaking about society at large; and yet the society is made up of individuals and individual families.

    Each of us has the opportunity to stitch a new garment; "One that fits all of humanity and nature."

     

    In my life, I was raised in a fundamental religion in a dysfunctional home. It was normal for me.

    When I became aware of this – I knew that there needed to be many changes in my life, to reach close to normal.

     

    What I also thought of, as some in our society are wanting less governing, less policing etc.  We are now discovering the dysfunction of our system. It is a time for more boundaries not less.

    As I became aware of dysfunctional systems in play in my own life, I didn't want less restrictions, I wanted more.

    I needed to create ways to rid my life of the things that were hurtful, disrespectful and those who felt they could do whatever they wanted to me.

    I had to have a stricter policing of my life – not toss it all out.

     

    To me, it would make more sense if the police policed each other.  If they stood up for stronger standards within their individual forces.  

     

    And yet, we as people – fail to do this in our own lives; for a variety of reasons.  Yet we fail.

     

    I lived in a family, where the two highest positions were not able to police themselves, in a manner that would keep children safe.  We needed a stronger policing force – someone who could see the dysfunction – and who would hold my parent's accountable.

    In my own life, when I discovered my own abuse – and the systems I believed in where the abuse was allowed to flourish, I had to rethink and look closely at all I believed in.  And, I had to set new boundaries IN order to make it harder for an abuser to abuse.

     

    I am not even certain I can get others to see what an opportunity we now have to change our societal tone. How it will be up to each of us, to clean, if you will, our own lives.  What do you stand for, who do you have power over and why?  How is equality divided up in your worlds? 

    It is easy to sit and look "out there" and see all the injustices going on.

    It is much harder to sit and see where you are unjust in your own world.

    Who do you put higher on the ladder and who is lower?

     

    We ask police systems to police their own. When there are many of us who cannot police their own lives.

    How many allow bad behavior within their circles.  Who forgive, and forget. Who lower the standards for family – etc.  Accept, and even respect elders; for age sake, turning a blind eye to their poor behaviors.

    And, even more – how well do we police our own self.

    How much negative energies do you allow around you.

    How much negative behavior do you dish out.

    It is so easy to sit and be an armchair expert on society – but it takes deep commitment to clean up your own lives, body and spirit.

     

    The self-cleaning that I had to do, began with me.

     

    Back to the podcast that is on this post. I highly highly recommend listening to it and seeing how the ladder concept has influenced your world.  How you view yourself and your status in the world matters.  

    Mostly, how you love who you are and how you see yourself on the ladder we call life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Tim Ferriss Show

    It always helps to hear others speak about their childhood abuse, the affects and what has been helpful. Yesterday I listened to Tim Ferriss Show Podcast.

    Tim Ferriss Show

    https://tim.blog/2020/09/14/how-to-heal-trauma/#more-52536

    He affirmed much of what I know to be true, about how the body keeps the score, how you are dealing with the affects, whether consciously or not.

    Our inability to feel that which was done to us, rides with us unexpressed.  It may come out in over the top rage at minor incidents and a multitude of expressions.

    What he is learning and sharing will help many – for some of his modalities to healing are non-conventional.

     

    He and Debbie Millman speak about being identified as a 'victim or survivor' and would rather not be put in a separate category in humanity.  

    I get this. 

    We just happen to be part of humanity who has experienced being hurt by the hands of another human.

    We are not different than you.

    We have experienced different than you.

     

    The separating us, leaves us more ostracized and put aside.

    And, rarely is the abuser scrutinized as we are. 

    Rare is he/she cast aside as we often are.

     

    He also has trouble with forgiveness.  He likes to see it as being less hateful.  Or that the power of rage has diminished.

    I see it much more as accepting the past can be no different. That what happened – happened.  As an adult I now can chose with whom I will have relationships with.  

    It never was helpful feeling to me to "forgive" in a way that would seemingly say, "It was okay" I forgive you.

     

    It is interesting to me, how many of us who have experienced abuse have trouble with forgiveness. It makes total sense to me.  Our lives have been remarkably scarred by the event.  How we live, love and feel about ourselves is dramatically altered. 

     

    It takes years of self inquiring, self introspection, and self awareness to even begin to begin to heal.

     

    The work of a human to get ahead of the affects of abuse, is beyond what many may believe.

    It is not as easy as forgive and move on.

    Forgive and get back into the family etc.

     

    You can do this – but the affects of abuse will not cease to exist.

    Forgiveness does nothing to the wound of being abused sexually – young or old – it affects you very deeply.

    I highly recommend this podcast and to read through his extensive list of books etc that may help you on your journey IF you have experienced sexual abuse.

     

     

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  • Environmental Art Challenge

    On Facebook a local Art Teacher shared this idea for outdoor art project.

     

    My granddaughter and I watched it and we both agreed it would be a fun project for tonight.

    (I had disappointed her by going for a bike ride by myself before she came tonight.)

    So, we set out to gather things we saw on the ground.

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    It is amazing what the idea of a scavenger hunt did for what we noticed along the way.

    And, she had an idea of what she wanted to do – a Cat.

    I decided I would create a bird.

    So, we walked and weaved into the forest and along the road – keeping our eyes open for potential cat/bird like pieces.

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    I love her imagination.  And on the video the Art Teach told a story, so Sylvi had a detailed story going as well, as she created her Celebration Cat.  

    My bird was quite flat and normal after her wonderful story.

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    She was perplexed why my bird was facing sideways and her cat showed its face.

    Her cat had a celebration crown, streamers, and it was a surprise party that wasn't the cats.  

    I love her vivid imagination and how she jumps into every project with such confidence!

    Thanks Melissa Hronkin for sharing your wonderful idea.

    It had us outside in the fresh air for an hour and a half!

    Art and nature naturally go together!

     

  • You are Present

    On Tim Ferris's podcast last week, there was talk about a Dead Time or Alive Time. This was pertaining to how we will spend our time during the Covid 19 virus.  

     

    I see it as something that would be good for all time.

    It is good to even understand that there is dead time, and then time that is alive.

    And, can you tell the difference between time that is dead and then time that is alive.

     

    Is it the time that is alive or dead, OR is it our souls our spirits the essence of who we are feeling alive or feeling dead?

     

    During this virus crisis, I am not one who is at home, so my time is pretty much the same.  

    I don't feel like time is dead or at a standstill.

    If that were even possible to stop time.

     

    I am wondering if time isn't dead; but we are dead to ourselves. To the part of us that makes us unique.  

    There are moments when you feel more alive than dead.  Times when the inner most part of you feels alive – present and curious.

    And then other times where that part of you is silent stifled and feels dead.

     

    We join time.

    Our being and time dance through the days.

     

    I used to feel used by time.

    That it somehow had its way with me.

     

    What I didn't realize, was that I wasn't free to be me.

     

    The freedom to be myself has given me Alive Days.

    I am alive.

     

    It maybe hard to articulate the dead days of following the rules and people pleasing of others.  How there were not very many instances where I sprung alive.

    Now, it is the opposite.

     

    Even when time is carved out for work. I can decide how I will engage in those hours. Will I numb myself in order to not see the time pass, OR will I be awake to see what pops up in front of me?

     

    I hope that most everyone is finding themselves Alive.

    For, we are in the midst of virus crisis, one where folks are dying.

    If it isn't you at this time- feel what it feels like to be alive.

     

    In the first few weeks of this Virus, I was in fear of it.

    Or perhaps in fear of dying – that I stopped living.

     

    I then decided quite matter of factly, that IF I was going to die from this virus, I best start living.  I want my last days to be alive days.  I want to be aware of what being alive feels like.

     

    I didn't want my alive time to be full of worry, dread, and being dead inside with fear.

    I will instead take the time to live.

     

    I love that my life is full of alive times already.

     

    Maybe Alive Days are days we feel alive inside and have nothing to do with time.

    So, as this new virus integrates itself into our worlds, how will it find you?

     

    I don't want have dead days before I die.

     

    Maybe this virus is here to show us how to be alive.

    What is important and how we join up with our time that we have today?

    When we look back on this time, will we find that we Lived through it or did we hold our breath?  

     

    The virus has us paying closer attention to many things.  It can be a great teacher if we let it.

     

    For me, time and life feels more precious.  

    I want to be alive through these days.  

    And, I hope I appreciate the human interactions of touch and closeness so much more; now that it has been taken away.

     

    I want to feel the aliveness of human connection.

    Kisses of baby and their chubby parts.

    Hugs of friends.

    Touches of kindness.

    A hand placed in understanding.

    Gathering

    Gathering

    Togetherness.

     

    The pause is here to allow us to catch our breath in order to live with more alive days!

    Alive days now

    During the threat of the virus.

    And, 

    After.

    Live as if you might die; for we all are heading that way.

    Time isn't dead or alive.

    We are.

     

    Live for the moments when time disappears and you are present.

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  • Be Well, Be Covered, and Have Fun!

    After finding some elastic last week, I have made a few masks.  Some I gave away to Essential workers and friends.  

    I kept one for me, it was one of the first and it had design/sewing issues.  I am not good at following patterns.  Their mind and my mind - just don't see things the same way.

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    I found that when my masks were completed one side was longer than the other. I stopped pinning – figuring I could do this without all the fuss.  I guess there is a reason seamstresses pin!

     

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    I had troubles with the sides, where you are supposed to put on this cuff or hem thing.  I had to improvise a way that made sense to me.

    In the end, I was able to accomplish masks, that are serviceable and sorta worthy of wear.

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    With a little bit of seam ripping and adjusting, the masks were done.  

     

    Yesterday was my first time wearing a mask.  In the mail jeep, I am not in crowds of people, and most who I do see, keep their distance.  

    So, as the time came to make the decision to wear a mask or not into the grocery store, my sense was to just do it.

    I felt silly in the jeep with it on.

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    But, I stepped out and went into the Keweenaw Co-op, where I felt not silly at all.  99% of the folks had them on AND gloves we were issued as we entered.  As I walked around, I felt responsible, like I was doing what was suggested; when in crowds.

    Oh, and I kept my prescription sunglasses on the whole while. I wasn't about to fiddle with taking them off and on.  

    So, I looked like a fancy robber.  A friend said, "Too bad the banks are not open now!"

     

    Off to Econo Foods.  The percentages were the opposite. Very few had masks.  Most were just walking around uncovered.  

    I didn't feel weird or silly even then.  I still felt like I was doing my part in this pandemic.

    We are not used to wearing these, and it does feel weird to be covering your face, but it may become something we will find much more commonplace in the days/weeks to come.

    And, the more of us who wear them, the more others may be inclined to join us.

    There can be much fun to be had with these.  Here is what a creative friend did with hers!

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    Let's add a little fun to this time in our lives!  It is serious, but we don't have to take ourselves so serious!

    Be well, be covered and have fun!