I M Perfect lady

Category: Another’s view

  • Elizabeth Gilbert – Ted Interview

    I listened to a podcast yesterday with Elizabeth Gilbert and Chris Anderson and I think many will find this helpful.

     

     

    I love her calmness, her acceptance and her stories.

    "The sense that you had the control is a myth."

    "Surrender is so relaxing."

    Those two sentences are exactly what brought me peace.  I am NOT in control and it brings me peace.  I am only in control of my two hands.

    The anxiety is believing we are in control, and if you surrender, it will truly bring you into a space where life is beautiful in the midst of this all.  

    To narrow life down to this moment.

    Right here.

    Right now.

    Today or this minute.

     

     

    And, she's right in that we are very good adaptation.  It is amazing how we find new ways to live.  

     

    Her point of thinking of this social distancing as a retreat, I love.

    I am not in the space of being home for days on end, and it is leaving me feeling like I am missing the retreat.

    I am missing the days of solitude.

    The days of being idle.

    Of feeling the quiet stillness of being in the world – separated and in the space of being with yourself.  

    May all who are home alone, find things that calm you down and fill your days of creative ways to be with yourself.  

     

    I am in a different space, for I have two places to be; either at work or at home.  It has simplified my world – and leaves me in the space of doing more of what I love.

     

    I hope watching this video helps.

    Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert

     

     

     

     

     

  • I am Full

    While continuing to play in my basement, I listened to a podcast with Michael Gervais. His podcast is "Finding Mastery" – I can't find the one where I heard this – "Fear is the natural response to the Unknown." 

    They went on to talk about breaking down our fear, in how we can take it down to day at a time, an hour at a time, or focus on right here right now.

    He also mentioned, that fear that goes on long term – turns into anxiety.

     

    This is critical for so many who are in fear of the outcome of our lives with the Covid 19 looming among us.  We have to break the cycle of fear.  Interrupt our thoughts, by doing something that will put fear in the backseat.

     

    Which answers the question of whether it is a good thing for me to do Sunday Art.

     

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    These ladies were created by a wonderful artist seamstress. She was going to toss them out, and I saved them a few years ago.  In the past few days, I thought about putting clothes on them.

    So, today I tried.

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    Working with 3D art is way not in my wheel house.  I was stressed immediately.  

    My conclusion is to not try new

    things that make you anxious during this time.

    I think, if I didn't try real hard, but perhaps sewed them right on, in a weird not clothing creating way, I may like it.  

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    I tossed some yarn on her head and that was that.  I do like the clothes, and I can see how a personality could rise – depending upon what I could create.  They can afford to wait a few more months until I have a calmer sense of being.

    So, I then went back to the Flat Art. 

    On the route last week,

    I thought about making my own Large Flower Background, and so I tried.

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    I will now have a canvas to start next week's Sunday Art. And, I finished off my Art time feeling less stressed.

    The art in its unfinished stages are seeds for next week.

    I have heard it is best to leave things not quite finished, so that you have an easy place to hop onto when you re-enter your art space.

    Sitting here feeling like I had a good Sunday of Art!

    I am full.

  • This is a security camera image of the truck

     

    Truck and Driver have been found.

     

    Thanks everyone for sharing this post!

     

    This is a security camera image of the truck that hit me. It was taken by the camera at Karvakko's store. Today, I may be able to see the whole video. The owner said she thought it looked like the truck was going about 40 to 45 miles an hour. Just what I had thought as well.  And, you can see the truck continued on up North Lake Road.  She also said, the truck didn't slow down for the intersection.

     

     

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    According to the debris on the road, this is exactly where it should have been based on this picture.

    It is a single cab truck, which should make it easier to find.  Most trucks now a day, have backseats.  It will be missing a headlight and blinker on the drivers side, and maybe a bit of my bright green paint.

     

    There were ladies out for coffee in the Feedmill Diner, and they heard the crash, but didn't see the truck.  

     

    The driver may be in trouble, if they couldn't afford to stop at the scene of an accident. Perhaps it will be their wake up call.  And, next time the damage may be much more significant than a mail jeep.

    However, in my little world, the mail jeep is quite significant.  They don't make right hand drive vehicles in the US anymore. We can get them, but you pay an extra $10,000 over what a new jeep costs. I would love to have this little jeep until I retire.

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and concerns.

    If you recognize this truck, Houghton County Sheriff's office is the one who took my report – 906-482-0050.

     

     

     

  • A Mother Who Loves You

    Being estranged from my family, I will not experience many of life's natural moments.  Moments that I believe hold sacred empowerment – the handing off of the torch of life – when a parent passes on.

    A moment that holds more love, than words can eloquently express.

    I am not even sure there are songs that can capture the love between a mother and child.

     

    A woman passed this week.

    Shortly before passing, she was holding her grown son's hand and saying "I love you too."

     

    I know he feels great grief and sadness to lose his first love, and the one that has loved him his whole life. The love that began as a child and saw him through his life – the good times and bad.  And, how he too has known her his whole life.  A life-long friend. And, I am sure there will be a hole where his mother's life was.

    This feels foreign to me.

    While I want to feel sorry for his loss, what I feel more is his years and years of gains.

    The love he has had feels like a mountain – to my next to nothing.

     

    It is hard to articulate what is missing, for what I am missing, I never had.

    A parent's love.

     

    The differences in our worlds where one is color and the other black and white.

     

    I am grateful I do know what love is.

    Love of self.

    Love of spouse.

    Love of my children and grandchildren.

    For that I am very grateful.

     

    Even so, I feel the absence of knowing parental love.

    And, I am moved to tears knowing what some children have.

    The comfort of a mother, like a warm quilt that energetically holds you; always.

     

    I feel the nakedness and cold where love is missing.

     

    Love is something that is odd to explain, and sometimes we feel it most when it is gone.

    Or, when it isn't there.

     

    I feel the greatest reason I left my family was to find love. Real love. Love that doesn't hurt. Love that you can see, feel and hear. Love that weaves moments and memories that will last long beyond my lifetime.

    I see this love between my daughter's and their girls.

    I see this love between my children.

    Between me and my grand children

    And my husband and I.

    And Me.

    Love that feels ouch-less.

    Love that is pure.

    Authentic

    Kind

     

    I am sorry my friend did lose his mom.

    Very sorry.

    For that kind of love will rock your world.

     

    It is interesting to me, that we all feel pain in our lifetimes.

    Pain of not having a mother's love and the pain of losing a mother who loves you.

     

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  • Unfollow

    I just finished listening to Megan Phelps Roper narrate her book, "Unfollow" –  A memoir of loving and leaving the Westboro Baptist Church.

     

    Wow. 

    She was born into this cult.

    Believed, until she began to doubt, question and see.

    Once you see, you can't un-seen or not know.

    What she thought was kindness, was hatred.

    There are places where I can relate to her story.

     

    Becoming aware of the cult, and how it is to be separated from family, due to confused minds.

     

    "Losing them was the price of honesty – a shredded heart for a quiet conscience."

     

    I understand this completely.  We have to do what brings us peace inside, even if it breaks our heart.

     

    While her cult is well known, and mostly for the pain it causes others, there are similarities in how they believe. They too are the only one way; the right way.  That God is on their side.  Which allows them to act in ways that are not kind to others.  

    The shunning of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church to families on the outside, the treatment of innocent children, comes to mind. How they keep others out of their worlds, as much as possible.  Even family who leave.

     

    Her religion is not unusual, for there are so many religions who believe they are the one.

    And everyone else is going to hell – for a myriad of our sinful ways.

    Those on the outside – bad

    and, on the inside – good.

    This isn't a wishy washy thought – it is 'god's rule'.

     

    And, even how when her and her sister got out, how they didn't know how to navigate relationships without the black and whiteness. The in or out.  Good or bad.  Extreme vision of the world.

     

    This is something I still struggle with.  That life isn't this way. There are nuances and individuals. 

    What she and I also know, is that those we do leave behind, have the minds we used to have.  We get it.  Truly.  Understanding, there is no space or wiggle room for individual thought, it is a collective mind.

    You are up against a group belief, a group mind-set – a bunch who believe alike and are afraid to be on the outside, thinking for themselves.

     

    While my main separation was due to sexual abuse, the church was a secondary place where I could see the dysfunctional mind-set.  It was like a double blind brain wash.

    Which leaves very little room for light to enter in.  

     

    I always find comfort in reading about others who were able to leave dysfunctional families and find wholeness on the outside.  I feel less alone and less strange.  And, I feel hope when she was able to leave such a religion of hate and find love.

    While the First Apostolic Lutheran Church doesn't stand outside with signs proclaiming the sins they see in others, their mind-sets are similar.  And, I myself would love to see the signs of all religions, a poster of what they do believe in.

    How kind would their signs read?

     

    What is so interesting to know, is that you can't know what your religion feels like on the outside, UNTIL you are the outside. Same with family.  

    And, if honesty is what sends you outside of the limits, what pray tell is on the inside?

    "A shredded heart for a quiet conscience."

    Perfect words for how I feel.

     

     

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  • Catch and Kill

    I listened to "Catch and Kill – Lies, spies and a conspiracy to protect predators" by Ronan Farrow  -  a Book about Harvey Weinstein, and the way sexual abuse is allowed to flourish.

    I first heard about this book on a podcast, by the same name.  What interests me the most, is how there is active work to keep the predators covered up.  How we often believe, that IF the child/woman/girl told someone, then the abuse would end.

    It is shocking and not so shocking to listen to the elaborate ways so many worked to NOT help the women.

    And, secondly, the author's father is a pedophile, so some tried to say he had an axe to grind.  Which is so odd on many levels.  He wanted the truth to be told.  He wanted the women to have a voice.  He wanted the abuse to end. He wanted the man to be stopped

    Which, it would seem is a normal and natural response to hearing about sexual abuse. And yet, it is not.  What is way more normal, is the cover-up and the ways so many will try  to attack the women.

    Their lives, pasts and presents are picked apart – they become the focus NOT the perpetrator of the crime.

    The decades these crimes cover, is not because women/girls don't tell.  It is because there is a network that works to secure it is never known.

    In this decade of #MeToo we are coming to learn, that it isn't the lack of reporting.  It is the lack of uncovering.

    The support and protection the abuser gets is mind-blowing.

    In comparison to those who line up behind the ones abused.

     

    NBC and their lack of reporting, and the way they too knew about Matt Laurer, shows how power is power.

    Rape and sexual assault is not about sex; it is about power.

    And, in order for you to expose the abuser, you have to often fight a powerful machine.

     

    What I find hope in, is that more women are still speaking out, regardless of knowing they will be scrutinized not the abuser.  More books are being written to show the landscape and culture of rape AND who is allowing it to continue.

     

    The lengths they go to cover up sexual assault boggles my mind.

    Perhaps, if there is an actual cost to their reputation for knowing and doing nothing, policies will change.

    NBC knew and did nothing.

    When you listen to the headlines, question who has the most to lose.

    What would a religion have to lose IF they admitted to supporting abusers?

    And, look at those who are willing to speak up, knowing they will be dragged through mud for standing up to these powerful entities. Strong women will be changing this culture, along with brave men who will support them.  

    Thank you Ronan Farrow!

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    The truth is often hidden under layers of untruths.

    (Catch and Kill – means to catch the story and kill it before it gets aired.) 

     

     

     

  • Do Something

    In the audible book "Twisted – The story about Larry Nassar and the Women Who Took Him Down"  a comment was made about – how the perpetrator needs everyone to do nothing. And, doing nothing is the easiest thing to do.

     

    This may not seem earth shattering to most; but it resonated with me.

     

    When an incident happens, two choices will appear for each of us.

    What will I do with this new information?

    What am I willing to do?

    Something,

    or Nothing.

     

    I don't believe that most people are thinking what is good, or not good, for the perpetrator. Rather, mostly what is good or not good, for themselves.

     

    Sadly, the choice of doing something is rarely chosen.

    Nothing is the clear winner.

    Nothing is easier.

    Nothing is what the abuser needs you to do.

     

    Each of us can project the future based on if we do nothing or something.

    We can know our circle will respond in two different ways, depending upon how we choose.

     

    I am unable to articulate deeply the avenue of nothing.  I can however speak of doing something.

     

    The something respond is not pretty.  And, you will not be welcomed with open arms when you do something.

    Doing something is the start of a fight.

    A win-less fight.

     

    Doing something to change the perception of a person is not an easy task.

    Doing something to interrupt the blind faith of a religion is near impossible.

    Doing something to shed light into family secrets; terrifying.

     

    The doing something will require you to stand strong and most often alone.

    Doing something will require you to set boundaries; where no boundaries have stood before.

     

    In listening to the book "Twisted" you will be able to see why it is so hard to do something, against the sea of people who are hell bent to believe in the innocence, compared to the crime. And often there is system in place to protect the abuser or really the reputation, the organization, the family.

     

    And, there is a goal or dream attached to believing in the innocence.  A dream or goal, that is hard to let go of.  A future is planned and in that future an abuser is not part of.

    We, who do something, are seen as home wreckers, career and reputation wreckers. That we are responsible for the damage, not the ones doing nothing.

    It is so backwards, that my own mind has a tough time with it.

     

    The ones doing nothing are seen as kind, loving and caring.

    Doing nothing; but perhaps forgiving.  Even forgiving is kinder than doing something.

    The doing nothing is easier in fact, if you forgive.

     

    Perhaps their doing something is to be forgiving.

     

    Our life history has shown that the most common response is nothing.

    Our legacy of abuse lining both sides of my family shows its true. Nothing is the way we do things. Or at least, not something different.

     

    The ones who do do something, are rare and often leave the family.

    Here is a lengthy article about family scapegoats.  

    No Contact! The scapegoat walks away

    I am not sure that is what I see myself as, but there are common threads.  I can't know how I am seen by my family today. I know how I have been treated; for doing something.

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    Something has to change, in order for change to begin arriving.

    In the news, we have seen big organizations fighting to keep their reputations when abuse is know; by keeping up their appearances.  By not exposing what is in their midst, in order to look okay. 

     

    Larry Nassar, according to this book, abused about 500 girls. Many girls over many decades spoke up, and nothing was done. Nothing but perhaps covering him up.

    Nothing to stop him.

    Nothing to shine a bad light upon Gymnastics and Michigan State University.

    Nothing to change the image of him being a doctor.

     

    His case is not so unusual, only in that he was finally caught.

    There are many abusers, who bank on the notion, that we will do nothing.

    We won't wreck havoc in our family, church, organization, work and sport.

    That we won't interrupt his/her cycle of abusing.

     

    The only other way Larry Nassar would have stopped was by his own death.

    What is so incredibly hard is the lives of the victims he has left in his wake. The pain and trauma in their lives.  And, it wasn't even his singular pain, but the pain of others knowing and doing nothing.

    Those after blows are mind shattering, heart wrenching agony.  To know, that others knew and did nothing. 

    I am hopeful that we are leaning towards honoring those who dare do something.

     

     

     

  • What Happened Next

    "In trauma recovery, it's important to consider what happened. It's equally, if not more important to consider, what happened next, which is often where the deepest wounds lie." Find Your Sunshine Therapy

     

    I read this and felt that it immediately opened up space to look around more deeply.

     

    What often happens, at least in my experience, is that the trauma stands alone.

    Segregated from the rest.

     

    An island of trauma in an otherwise normal life.

     

    However, it is more often just one huge red flag in a sea of red flags.

     

    If you don't look upon what happened next, you will not be able to see clearly.

    It isn't so much that I was abused, but what happened next, OR more, what didn't happen next.

     

    In looking at what happened next, you will find answers you may not want to know.

    People acting in ways that were not about the safety of the children, and standing against abuse.

     

    Looking into what happened after, you can see more clearly the agendas of people and organizations.

    If nothing happened next.  

    If life continued on as if nothing happened, that is a sign.

     

    In my experience, the worst wasn't the abuse that happened, it was what didn't happen next.

     

    There wasn't a safe place to be.

     

    When family does nothing, when the minister of the church does nothing, when neighbors do nothing, it adds layers and layers, to the wound.

     

    So many want to isolate the wound as being the sole responsibility of the abuser.  However, he is either supported or reported.

     

    I love this train of thought, "What happened Next".  Most will not go down this road, because most truly do not want to know.  There is a cost to being curious, you will see folks being apathetic to abuse.

     

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    Art made for me by my daughter. 

     

    I feel that in order to truly heal from trauma, you have to continue to ask, "What happened next?"  Keep going until you get the full scope and breadth of what happened.

     

  • Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper

    A friend sent me a message about Maria Shriver's Sunday Paper –

    https://shrivermedia.cmail20.com/t/ViewEmail/t/73978F1AB77BEF982540EF23F30FEDED/9247327A674C7A1DCE63909E3969C05F?fbclid=IwAR3SlSmlh5Lb4eRa4lsn0Tc3I1UP02EYglZzSHUnY5l-HfZMjNTb2sIke04#fr

    On this Sunday, she writes about our super power.  How it is kind of like our cape.

    Which then begs each of us to wonder, what is our super power?

     

    I wondered further if our super powers change as our lives change, as our circumstances need different super powers. And can we acquire new ones as we challenge ourselves.

    It is hard to self recognize a super power within you.

    At least for me.

     

    My cape has been through some tough stuff, and it has been caught up in tight places.

    The hardest part is using a new super power for the first time, it feels so unwieldy at first.

    And, it can feel like we are an imposter, posing as a badass.

     

    I would think my biggest super power is to be at one with the truth of life.

    That, I can wade into it, no matter its contents.

    I may flounder a bit if the news is really heavy, but eventually I can find my footing.

    Another super power is my ability to be with others as they journey in to some rough waters.

    And, the ability to laugh at myself.  Seriously, I find that the most humorous of all, the crazy things I misconstrue.

    Authenticity and tenacity and resiliency are also capes I wear.

    Oh, and adventurous and the willingness to look silly trying new things.

     

    I love this exercise, it helps you see how badass you truly are, and how human.

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    And, maybe we need to remember to help each other remember their super powers!

    Wear your cape proudly!

    Super powers are the ways in way we can see how unique and powerful each of us are.

     

     

  • “Know My Name”

    I finished reading "Know My Name" by Chanel Miller, a victim of sexual assault.  You perhaps know her perpetrator more than you know her.  Brock Turner assaulted her. She was admittedly blacked out from drinking.  

    This book shows the landscape of victims.  How the justice system works to suppress and minimize the victims, while being so expansive and generous to the perpetrators.

    Her being unaware of her abuse did not lessen its affects.

    Just as children who block it out or whose mind's don't record it are similarly affected just as deeply.

    If you wonder why more victims don't come forth or why there are not more trials for sexual assault, you may become more informed reading this.

    I began listening with a curious mind.

    I wanted to know about the girl in the news.

    Her victim statement has been read millions of times, and her video seen by thousands.

     

    We all need to know more about these crimes and we are educated more, each time a victim shares her story.

    Thank you for showing us who you are and how sexual assault alters who you are.