I M Perfect lady

Category: Another’s view

  • All perfect

    This Fall weather is simply breathtaking. It is actually hard to go to work, ignoring the facts of what glorious things I could be doing outside.

    I drove along the lakeshore and whimpered at the lake, the colors and the fresh fall air.

    Feeling sorry for myself as I tossed mail.

    Until I had to make a delivery at a home.

    The woman who came to the door was in the midst of cancer treatment, and told me so.

    She spoke of her treatment, and how it appeared that 'it wouldn't get better'.

    My petty anguish vanished.

    Certainly, it would have been a delightful day to be on the water.

    However, it is more incredible to be healthy.

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    She stayed with me.

    She was smiling, and very accepting.

    While I was fighting the mail delivery – instead of kayaking.

    I learned there are often many places we would rather be, and even different lives.

    I was so grateful to be me.

    I settled into the mail.

    Fairly sure I will kayak again.

    Perhaps not today.

    Today, I am grateful to be healthy, and to be so very lucky to be enjoying the fall weather, colors and smells.

    I am going hiking with ladies shortly.

    I sat in an outdoor cafe and worked on my art.

    Life is good, it is incredible.

    Today.

    May I always remember that health is so very important, and when I get spunky about having to work instead of play, may I get reminders to bring me back in focus.

    She rode with me today.

    I held her in my heart.

    Vowing to live more in this moment with my health.

    My health has allowed me a ton of incredible memories. Just in this past summer alone, or even week.

    First Health and the rest is all perfect.

     

     

     

     

  • With Change Comes Loss

    I heard on a podcast, that with change comes loss.  

    Doesn't that make sense?  

    I think harder than adding something new, is losing something old.

     

    Giving up a part of your life that has become comfortable, even in its discomfort.

     

    As our trees turn color, we are experiencing the change of seasons.  One season is over and it leaves, and a new one comes in.

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    We lose Summer for Fall.

    We can fight it in our minds, but nature changes – naturally.

     

    As we endeavor to change our lives, we may fail to recognize the grief of losing something, as we reach for something new.  

    In the waking up to my sexual abuse, I had to let go of the idea of who I thought my family was.

    Lost the cocoon of denial, for the sharp reality of truth.

    Letting go of the whole package of family and its dysfunctional wrapper, was by far harder to do, than reaching toward an unknown future.

    Behind me was a Me, I used to know as well. 

    With me as I changed was grief and uncertainty, and a self that was unfamiliar.

    The new pattern that I was hoping to bring into the generations after me, was knitted together by each action I took, each No spoken, and every relationship I challenged.

    Looking at the overview of my life, I can see that change truly does come with loss.

    Patterns are not changed without a loss.

     

    Which I believe is why most people don't change.  It isn't the new unknown future, but having to say good-bye to the old.

    Even if it is toxic, they know it and know how to navigate within it.

    You also know who you are,  even if it is a stressful role in a dysfunctional relationship.

     

    To walk away from all that you have known, and to allow yourself to be standing on a pinpoint of nothing is very scary.

    You cry for the past as you step into the unknown, a stranger to yourself.

     

    We find comfort in the knowing.

    And, it is very uncomfortable to not know who you are or where you are going, and do it anyway.

    Perhaps, in the case of abuse, it was easier to go, than it would be to stay.

    Once you know the landscape of abuse, and all its unrealities, and perceptions that are wrought with lies, it is impossible to stay and feel secure, or at peace – let alone loved.

     

    Walking as a person, who cast aside her past, in order to start a new pattern was overrun with emotions.

    My insides held the contrasting emotions of grief and freedom.

    The leaving was bitter sweet as they say.

     

    The woman I was, who drove the car, allowing my children to be with a pedophile, was horrifying to know. She had to go.  Her beliefs, thoughts and values, were not healthy. My resolve to change, and to redefine myself led the way.

    Once you are aware of your unawareness, you can no longer pretend to pretend to pretend, that being in the circle of abuse is okay, on any level.

    I was very strict in what I allowed or didn't allow.

    My new pattern's core was love and freedom, peace and joy. 

    First for myself, and then for others.

    Change isn't an overnight event.

    I had to slowly let the old me die, while birthing a new one.

    Saying good-bye and hello.

    The cost of not changing, was to repeat the abuse, by allowing it to happen – unchanged and yet knowing.

    What I believe causes most people to not react when they hear about an abuser they know, is that they don't want to lose what they have.

    Lose a family

    a friend.

    Lose a way of life, a church and faith, a familiarity and core of home – all of which holds a part of you.

     

    It isn't the abuse you are unwilling to let go; but yourself.

    It isn't seeing a new reality that terrifies, but that you may have to let yourself go and redefine a new you.

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    With change comes Loss.

     

    Abuse is passed on from generation to generation, mostly because we don't want to lose who we are and become someone we don't even know.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Full Time Job is my Mental Health

    "My full time job, is my Mental Health" Elizabeth Gilbert

     

    When this is the focus, our first question being, how will this affect me mentally, our lives take us on different roads.

    We dare to make choices that are radical, for they are simply what brings us the most peace.

    The world is fluid, decisions come at us each day, each hour, and we get to choose that which allows our mental state of being to thrive.

    I know that I am now living in a much healthier way.  My ability to say yes, and no, is equal. I am fearless about disappointing others in order to maintain a healthy mind.  

    There isn't a war going on about would of, should of, could of, and I wish.

    I make the best choices for me at the time.

     

    Age, I am sure, is full of wisdom. I learned from my past that it is better to be awkward with your truth, than to go along with something I don't fully agree with.

    When I disregarded my mind, my thoughts and my gut feelings, in the end, it never worked out well.  

    Going against yourself, creates an unhealthy mental state.

     

    I think, I always thought that others caused my mental state to fluctuate, when in fact it was my lack of care.

    It isn't like we don't know better, but I think, we think, that it won't affect us 'that much'.

    When in fact, repeatedly ignoring your mental health, will result in stress, anxiety, and thoughts inside of you that are not kind.

    Perhaps a no will be easier to say, when you are doing it for the health of it.

    And, even saying yes to things that bring good energy to your mental health.

    Mindfulness, is when we are fully engaged with our mind. We can see the thoughts as they appear.  We can choose which thoughts to follow and engage with. Some I can see are unhealthy, and I let them go by. Some are trying to predict a future, they can't know – I let them go by as well. Others are new insights or things that excite me – I will follow to see where they go.

    Some thoughts are old repeats that echo long ago beliefs.

    Mostly I watch my thoughts and engage in the ones that seem fruitful.

    Mindfulness is to be present with the present and bring your mind there as well.

    Often the here and now, will disappear as our mind gains our attention.

     

    There are so many facets to our mental well being.  And, we are the common denominator in them all. How we engage or not with our minds.  What we choose or not choose. How well we follow our truths and emotions all have a great impact on the mental landscape of our being.

    I am most interested in mental health, for without it, we can lose life.  The zest for life, the ability to live fully engaged and with vitality. 

    Our mental being defines us and gives spirit to our personalities.

    Maybe even defines who we are.

    And, it really is a full time job to cultivate and tend to our mental well being.  

    The quality of life is directly related to our attention to our mental health.

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  • Expression of Their Imaginations

    I have a few days between my Art Workshop and now; space to digest its process.  Was it a success based on teaching Art? And, how do you gauge the success, or failure, as a teacher?

    What the class taught me, was that my process is but one way to do art quilts. It is my way; but not the way.

    There isn't a right or wrong; but what feels like your linear process.

    We process and see the world differently and approach the end, by different avenues.

     

    I looked up the definition of Art – the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination.

     

    I know I was split between having them do what I do, and allowing them to do what they wanted.  When you take a class about Lady Art Quilts, do you expect to do a lady, OR are you looking to do the technique?  

    Do you teach your art, or do you teach their art.

     

    I will learn more IF I continue to teach workshops on Art Quilts.

    More about me as an Artist, as well as the art I do, and how I do it.  And, also what seems to inspire others, and what places a block in front of them.

     

    The expansiveness without patterns brings a freedom that is hard to teach.

    It is to lead, but only a little.

    What you mostly want is for them to become excited by what they are creating.

     

    A friend shared this Art Quilter with me. She is so very liberated in her techniques!

    I would love to see and feel her quilts in real life.  And, I like how diverse her art is. She gives us all permission to just do what we feel like!

    I like that she's explaining just one part of her Art.  Her technique seems to the the same, cut as you go and stay wonky and relaxed.

    I love how she has someone sew for her and then iron.  This allows them to be involved and learning while helping her.  I will have to try this way.

     

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    Watching her helps me to just relax and just be me as a teacher.

     

    It is hard to see myself teaching while I teach.

     

    I may have to play with doing some videos of what I do.  Just to get used to explaining or even slowing down to see the process unfold. And maybe to feel what is the most important to convey.

    What I love the most about Art quilts is that we are lowering the lines where the rules used to be. We are allowing you to do what feels most exciting.  And, to live on the edge of the unknown.  All artists, I believe, are surprised with their finished product.

    I think Freddie also says, we all know how to do it, we just think we don't.

    Perhaps we don't know the 'right' way, but we can all figure out the way.

    Especially if you truly believe there is no wrong way to do art quilts. We can make representations of what our imaginations picture.

    Teaching my art is a great way to understand my art.

    And, even more to understand Me.

    Teaching art is another art form.  Another doorway that will expand my horizons.

    I am sure my teaching will evolve just as my art and My Lady have.

    And, my first class will look nothing like my 50th class.

    Teaching is something that I would like to explore more to see if it will be part of who I am.

    Perhaps if I can only teach the art of being themselves and doing what feels exciting, and liberating from the lines and patterns of traditional quilting.

    To celebrate the overall feeling and expression of their imaginations!

     

  • Believed, the podcast

    On the route today, I listened to the podcast "Believed" on NPR Radio.  

    You can listen here https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510326/believed

    My take away is that it is so powerful for victims of sexual abuse to be BELIEVED.

    It is hard to articulate the way people can not hear you.

    Harder still to explain how the disbelief creates a doubt in yourself and how you see the world.

     

    This case was pivotal for me, in the strength the women showed each time they felt believed.  How each victim took their power back by standing in the courtroom speaking of their abuse AND were Believed.

     

    As you listen to the podcast, you can see how Larry Nassar was able to use their loyalty and trust against the parents.  It is a brilliant yet tragic depiction of how the abuser works as well as how the systems in place failed the girls.

    I also can see how the timing had to be right, that the right person had to ask the right questions.

    This is a great podcast for all parents to listen to.

    You believe, that you can pick a pedophile out of your peer group, but can you?

    A very good insight into how abuse literally can go undetected and how the child looks for clues in the adults in their world.

    The most important and the first thing an adult should do is Believe.

    A child who is believed, will suffer much less than a child who isn't.

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  • Mental Lady

    I was asked about my intentions with my blog.  It was suggested that I blog to abuse the abused. 

     I went back to April of 2009 and found this post.

    When the Blog idea came to me, I could envision me being in contact with other women who found themselves outside the normal category of society.  Women who are in a place of either accepting their imperfections, their reality and learning how to live from there, or being a failure.

    What I found, in my own experience, was that if you live from the spot of being imperfect, there are no rules to follow, no norm to measure up to, no yardstick to fall short of.  Instead you are able to live life that is for you alone to decide if it works.  Now this doesn't mean that I am a rebel, but rather I am a free spirit in a loving way to myself and mankind.

    I would like to share my experiences of walking free of dysfunctional patterns, learning how to build up a new you, to the many wonderful Spiritual Authors who shed the Light upon the way.

    I would like this blog to inspire confidence, free spirit, and self love for woman who are lost in a sea of dysfunction and abuse.  I would like to be a voice of reason in their head full of madness.

    To show them that Imperfection is Perfection.  That it is impossible to strive to be someone else.  That all your experiences, your life to this point is exactly as it should be.  It is from this point that you can look back and learn from your past  to make a future that is more to your inner desire.

    There are no rules, except to be you.  You do what you do, for reasons that are strictly your own to decide.  It is the whole journey to go from being a free soul when we are born, to getting stuck in patterns of our childhood that hold on to us into adulthood, to one day stepping free again.

    I want freedom, free will, and love, peace and joy for all.  All who are stuck in a pattern of pain, hurt and without a sense of self.  Other than the self that serves others, while leaving them empty inside.

    We will see where this blog takes me….I am open to see what happens, to me and to all who participate in this.

    Thanks in advance for your openness as we explore life as a Spiritual Being on a human journey….or how a Soul seeks to experience itself." April 14, 2009

     

    Hmmm, this is a very long intention. However, I still agree with most of it.

     

    But, I have learned that it is a very rocky road to becoming Me.  And, it was my intention to be as authentic as I can, based on what I knew about myself. 

    I have learned so much in the past 10 years.

    I am stronger than I was when I first began.

    There is great courage to be gained, being vulnerable and showing the world your insides.

    I feel that I have wrestled with myself to find my own peace, love and joy. And, that it never required another person to change, but it indeed required much from me.

     

    A quote on Facebook fits this thought.

    "Authentic Spirituality is always about changing you. It's not about trying to change anyone else." Richard Rohr.

     

    I also had this posted in the first few days. And, I totally try and live this.  Even if I fail, it is a premise that is good to remember.

     

    "This is from A Thousand Names for Joy – Byron Katie

    "I don't know what is best for me, or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else.  I don't want to change you or improve you of convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

     

    Here is a poem I found my brother wrote for me. I posted it on 4/23/09

    Titled  - "Mental Lady"

    I see a lady,

    with bushy eyebrows and a faraway stare.

    Who would appear to be mental

    to you.

    She is not responsible for your thoughts

    about her.

    You are your thoughts,

    while appearing not be mental.

    Turn that around,

    Is that more true?

    Keep walking, keep walking,

    reality is walking away from you.

    Words,

    thoughts, and NO Action,

    scare her.

    She should appear mental

    to you.

    You do nothing and expect to be something.

    Something that moves her away from you.

    She can clearly see you,

    alone in your thoughts,

    that will form your beliefs,

    of your right religion.

    Your mind is right, of course,

    only from the left side

    of reality.

    How mental you appear

    to the lady who giggles, and

    is at one with nature,

    and reality.

    By Carl Huhta

     

    I am who I am.

    With out apology.

    See me mental

    or Imperfectly

    or, not at all.

     

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    I guess I didn't answer the question if I blogged to abuse the abused. It certainly isn't my intentions. I write to put a voice out there I wish I had.

  • 2+ Days

    Yesterday during a Tim Ferris Podcast, I heard about a couple ideas that I love. He was speaking to Jim Collins. 

    One was "Who Lucky".  Who were you lucky to meet along your journey, who helped grow you into who you are?  Who was there at the right moment in time to give you what you needed? Who was the role model? Who would be mentioned in the most influential people list?

    My Who Lucky list is truly amazing. There are folks who have walked parts of the journey with me offering wisdom, courage and a path forward.

    When in my darkest times, they appeared with the right and perfect answer. A book and author were sent my way. 

    They were an ear to listen and an eye to witness my pain.

    As I walked along the path of speaking out, some would steer clear and others came closer. 

    My Who Lucky ones held my truth with reverence, not dismissal.

    I believed in me, and their cheers encouraged me to be braver, always.

    My Who Lucky ones, helped unravel that which I had wrong.

    Being strong enough to tell me the truth I needed to hear.

    When you think of your life, and see the people you were lucky to meet, perhaps marry and have as children, they make your Who Lucky list.

    Friends who you feel lucky to have spent time with, who walked with you in times of trouble or in moments of adventure and growing, they make the Who Lucky list.

    New friends whose presence brings you calm assurance you are walking in a healing direction.

    My Who Lucky list are those who have touched my life and helped me be who I now am.

    I want to thank all those who are on my Who Lucky List!

     

    Another thing Jim Collins spoke about was to rate his day.

    I will put this in my words, since I can't remember his rating system.

    2+ is a day where you did something amazing, a new fun thing, or an old fun thing, but with a great friend. A great day!

    2 is a day where you had a good day, an overall positive flowing day.

    1+ is maybe a day were it wasn't outstanding, just a regular ho hum day.

    1 is a bland day, leaning towards lower feelings.

    -1 is you feel down, tired and uninspired.

    0 is you are in a slump and can't seem to find the energy to move.

     

    He would put a number on the calendar by his bedside each night to give him a sense of how his week and or life is going.  If there were too many 1's he would add more 2's if he could.  Knowing what made a great day for him.

     

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    What I know is that my life holds so many awesome Who Lucky people who have also made my days 2+ days.

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Mastery of Love

    This week I listened to "Don Miguel Ruiz" on Maria Shriver's podcast "Meaningful Conversations".

    What I loved about the podcast is, it is the author speaking about the book, "The Mastery of Love" and he is doing so with someone who is more or less skeptical and disbelieving.

     

    I had the book "The Mastery of Love" and I read it years ago.  This time however, it makes so much more sense to me, especially after listening to their conversation.

    Here is a part of the book.

    "So many humans are suffering because of all the false images we try to protect. Humans pretend to be something very important, but at the same time we believe we are nothing. We work so hard to be someone in that society Dream, to be recognized and approved by others. We try so hard to be important, to be a winner, to be powerful, to be rich, to be famous, to express our personal dream, and to impose our dream onto other people around us. Why?  Because humans believe the Dream is real, and we take it very seriously."

    It is interesting to see life with this perspective, especially when we pretend to be something, while feeling we are nothing. The contrast itself is enough to spin your world into madness.

     

    And, I love this part too.

    "The emotional body perceives emotions, but not through the eyes. We perceive emotions through our emotional body.  Children just feel emotions and their reasoning mind doesn't interpret or question them. This is why children accept certain people and reject other people. When they don't feel confident around someone, they reject that person because they can feel the emotions that person is projecting. Children can easily perceive when someone is angry and their alarm system generates a little fear that says, "Stay away". And they follow their instincts – they stay away."

    "We learn to be emotional according to the emotional energy in our home, and our personal reaction to that energy. That is why every brother and sister will react differently according to how they learn to defend themselves and adapt to different circumstances. When parents are constantly fighting, when there is disharmony, and disrespect, and lies, we learn the emotional way of being like them. Even if they tell us not to be that way and not to lie, the emotional energy of our parents, of our entire family, will make us receive the world in a similar way."

    "The emotional energy that lives in our home is going to tune our emotional body to that frequency. The emotional body starts to change its tune, and it is no longer the normal tune of the human being. We play the game of the adults, we play the game of the outside dream, and we lose. We lose our innocent, we lose our freedom, we lose our happiness, and we lose our tendency to love. We are forced to change and we start receiving another world, another reality; the reality of injustice, the reality of emotional pain, the reality of emotional poison. Welcome to hell – the hell that humans create, which is the Dream of the Planet. We are welcomed into that hell, but we don't invent it personally. It was here before we were born."

    "You can see how real love and freedom are destroyed by looking at children. Imagine a child two and three years old running and having fun in the park. Mom is there watching the little guy, and she's afraid he might fall and hurt himself. At a certain point she wants to stop him, so he tries to run faster from her. Cars are passing in the street nearby, which makes Mom even more afraid, and finally she catches him. The child is expecting her to play and she spanks him. Boom! It's a shock. The child's happiness was the expression of love coming out of him and he does not understand why she is acting this way. This is a shock that stops love little by little over time. The child does not understand words, but even so he can question, "Why?"  

    "Running and playing is an expression of love, but it's no longer safe because your parents punish you when you express your love. They send you to our room and you cannot do what you want to do. They tell you that you are being a bad boy, or a bad girl, and that puts you down, that means punishment."

    "In that system of reward and punishment there is a sense of justice and injustice, what is fair and what is not fair. The sense of injustice is like a knife that opens an emotional wound in the mind. Then, according to our reaction to the injustice, the wound may get infected with emotional poison. Why do some wounds get infected? Let's look at another example."

    "Imagine that you are two or three years old. You are happy, you are playing and exploring. You aren't conscious of what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong, what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing, because you are not domesticated. You are playing in the living room with whatever is around you. You don't have any bad intention, you don't try to hurt anything, but you are playing with your Daddy's guitar. For you, its' just a toy; you don't try and hurt your Daddy at all. But your father is having on of those days when he doesn't feel right. He has problems in his business, and he goes into the living room and finds you playing with his things. He gets mad right away, and grabs you and spanks you."

    "This is injustice from your point of view. Your father just comes, and with anger hurts you. This is someone you trusted completely because he is your daddy, someone who usually protects you and allows you to be you. That sense of injustice is like a pain in your heart. You feel sensitive, it hurts and makes you cry. But you cry not just because he spanks you. Its not the physical aggression that hurts you; it's the emotional aggression you feel is not fair. You didn't do anything."

    "That sense of injustice opens a wound in your mind. Your emotional body is wounded, and in that moment you lose a little part of your innocence.  You learn that you cannot trust your father. Even if your mind doesn't know it yet, because your mind doesn't analyze, it still understands, "I cannot trust." Your emotional body tells you there is something that you cannot trust, and that something can be repeated."

    "You reaction might be fear; your reaction might be anger or being shy or just crying. But that reaction is already emotional poison, because the normal reaction before domestication is that your daddy spanks you and you want to hit him back. You hit him back or just intend to put your hand up, and that makes your father even madder at you. The reaction of your father for just putting your hand up against him creates a worse punishment. Now you know he will destroy you. Now you are afraid of him, and you no longer defend yourself because you know it will only make things worse."

    "You still don't understand why, but you know your father can even kill you. This opens a fierce wound in your mind. Before this, your mind was completely healthy; you were completely innocent. After this, the reasoning mind tries to do something with the experience. You learn to react a certain way, your personal way. You keep that emotion with you, and it changes your way of life. This experience will repeat itself more often now. The injustice will come from Mom and Dad, from brothers and sisters, from aunts and uncles, from school, from society, from everyone. With each fear, you learn to defend yourself, but not the way you did before domestication, where you would defend yourself and just keep playing."

    "Now there is something inside the wound that at first is not a big problem; emotional poison. The emotional poison accumulates, and the mind begins to play with that poison. Now we start to worry a little about the future because we have memory of the poison  and we don't want that to happen again. We also have memories of being accepted; we remember mom and dad being good to us and living in harmony. We want harmony, but we don't know how to create it. And because we are inside the bubble of our own perception, whatever happens around us now seems as if it is because of us. We believe Mom and Dad fight because of us, even if it doesn't have anything to do with us."

    "Little by little we lose our innocence; we start to feel resentment, then we no longer forgive. Over time these incidents and interactions let us know its not safe to be who we really are. Of course this will vary in intensity with each human according to his intelligence and his education. It will depend on many things. If you are lucky, the domestication is not that strong. But if you are not so lucky, the domestication can be strong and the wounds so deep, that you can eve be afraid to speak. This results is "Oh I am shy," Shyness is the fear of expressing yourself. You may believe you don't know how to dance or how to sing, but this is just expression of the normal human instinct to express love." Miguel

     

    This is how we learn to not love who we are, not trust who we are, not have a voice or a choice.  

    I find this wildly enthralling how we are who we are by how we were nurtured or domesticated in his words.

    Knowing your past and how it has worked to shape you, you cannot blame yourself if you are having a hard time being you.

    However, if we were taught this, we can unlearn what we were taught.

    The untangling of my love of self, literally happened each time I used my voice or made an action for myself, instead of for the other. I was willing to do what I needed to do, regardless of the punishment that would come.

    What is so odd, is that I also felt I had 'unreasonable' fear of my father and my mother as well. Yet, this writing shows how we suffer emotional wounding and how it infects our emotions. As well as how we hide our real emotions in order to make peace

    I used to say, I was a whore for love and peace. I can see this more clearly in how I thought I had to be.

    When we are raised in a dysfunctional toxic environment, we are unlucky in our domestication, and lose touch with our inner child.  Lose connection with our healthy emotional responses.

    We can peel back our fears and learn to love ourselves, but we may piss off a few folks in order to do so. We have to learn it is okay if others are upset. It isn't our responsibility to make them happy.

    Being a master of our own emotions, is the mastery of love.

     

     

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  • Circle of Abuse

    "Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."

     

    What many fail to recognize is how their own upbringing is a contributing factor in how they perceive victims.  And, worse how they view rapists.

    How they have been taught to look at the woman.

    What was she wearing, what was she doing, what was her state of mind, is she promiscuous, etc.

    The women are the first to go on trial in a rape case.

    And, sadly even children victims are doubted in child sexual assault cases.

    So many folks are unaware of their own direction of questioning in how it creates the landscape making it easy for rapist to move around, appearing 'normal' – rape culture. 

    If you can muddy up and messy up the woman's character, you can make her appear worse than the rapist.  

    You can make her appear mental, slutty, and discount the concepts of repressed memories, or trauma induced amnesia.  You can focus on her drunkenness and dress and make it appear that any man would be UNABLE to resist rape.

    Really?

    Part of the rape culture, is believing that men have no control over their own bodies, that women control their sexual urges.

    Period.

    That there are no men with common sense, and real character and morals and values. Men who find no pleasure in overpowering or even having relations with a woman who is unconscious, drunk etc.

    There are many facets to how each of us contribute to the culture of rape, by how we respond.

    In what direction do our thoughts and feelings flow.

    My experience in talking about sexual abuse, is that it is quite rare for an abuser to admit it and very rare for the abuser to go unsupported.

    For him to be cast out of the circle of his influence.

    Instead, he has many making excuses, forgiving and forgetting, and rebuilding his character up around his crime.

    Or, simply many who will not end their relationship with him, being a good friend, good son and daughter or a forgiving wife etc. 

    It is rare that anyone holds him accountable.

    The focus is misdirected to the victim and they will show evidence in how she carries the blame. Victim blaming is distorting the crime.

    As a victim, I can see the culture more clearly based upon my own experience. Based upon who stood up for whom and how I was treated.

    What is also hard to find is the piece of ground for commonality.

    There truly are two sides. One victim blaming and shaming and the other holding the abuser/rapist accountable.

    Can there be even a tiny place where we can all agree?

    Perhaps that a crime was done.

    But, until and unless you place the blame where the blame lies, you will not see a criminal.

    You will see a friend, a cousin, a brother, a dad, a husband or wife. 

    My other thought is, is it kinder to overlook and look around the flaws in someone's character that is capable of raping women?  

    Is it kinder and more conducive to a family to overlook and forgive abuse?

    Why is there a rape culture?

    How did it ever make sense to support the man, no matter what?

    Why was it easier to throw the woman under the bus, in order to keep the system going?

    Here is another thought.

    What is the cost of recognizing that your friend, father, or brother or husband IS a rapist.

    What will it mean in to your world. To fully bring it in.

    To drop all manner of pretense and just sit with the reality of his actions?

    How much of what you have built up in life will now have to be re-examined.

    How much of you would have to change to bring this in?

    How many relationships would you lose if you supported victims?

    What so many fail to realize is that each latest victim, just doesn't appear to be the one to support, perhaps next time. Perhaps she will be of great value, more valuable than the friendship or relationship or Faith.

    Will there really ever be a time where the victim's life will mean more than yours?

    Ever?

    What I came to learn, was that until I was able to see and empathize with a victim, I too was unable to grant the rapist his true responsibility.

    I didn't see me first as a victim.

    I instead saw a child.

    Then, I saw myself as a child.

    And, then I saw victims.

    And, with more horror, the Rape Culture.

    Of the many who unwittingly are playing into the hands of rapists everywhere.

    If this blog, could open one eye to see what they are doing, it would be worth it all.

    My crying appeal, once I saw was " I See too Much".

    Yet, reality and I were one.

    I no longer will pretend to pretend to pretend.  

    For it isn't kinder.

    It is to be part of the rape culture.  

    Part of the criminal circle of abuse.

     

    Here is the link, that restarted the conversation about Ben Johnson – Convicted Rapist- registered sex offender.

    https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/crime/crime-and-courts/2018/12/20/cincinnati-cyclones-player-parole-sexually-assaulting-teen/2378474002/

     

     

  • Keep it in the dark.

    As I followed along on a Facebook feed, my feelings were of frustration.

    https://www.facebook.com/catherine.haataja/posts/10218743622122398?comment_id=10218760461623375&notif_id=1547850850956528&notif_t=feed_comment_reply

    Frustration of two different viewpoints not really understanding the other.

    Their intentions to be heard, fell on deaf ears; neither side making inroads into a topic that is hard to speak about, let alone hear.

    Sexual assault victims

    Convicted rapist

    And, those of us looking at it from the outside.

    Who do you believe and what side are you going to speak from.

    What is unusual about this case, is that even if the court of the land found him guilty, some are still unbelievers. Some place equal parts guilt upon the 16 year old girl; where she was, and her drunken state.

    What many fail to appreciate, is how they are unintentionally contributing to the rape culture. 

    Did you know, when you question the actions of the victim, you are trying to lessen the blame the rapist holds.

    Did you know when you place doubts on the courts, you are trying to get us to see his innocence.

    Did you know you are ignoring his rape, when you agree that he is a young man of faith and character. Besides, give me one common denominator between a rapist and a man of character.

    Did you know when you are arguing with those who are concerned about his release, you are ignoring the threat he is.

    Did you know, we know we will be challenged MORE, than you are challenging his reputation, and speak out anyway. Trying to break the culture of rape. Trying to break the silence of victims and to support them.

    Did you know, victims of sexual assault KNOW you will be gunning for them, when they speak up about your friend, a church member, a family member, and still they do so, in order to help save another girl from meeting the rapist unaware.

    Did you know, that victims are speaking up, not to wreck a reputation or ruin someone's character, or for the money. They are speaking up to stop another girl from walking in their shoes.

    Did you know your loud angry voices, are exactly why many are silent.

    Did you know your doubt, is the second assault upon them.

    Did you know you creating a unsafe place to report sexual assault, allows the perpetrators to continue making new victims.

    Did you know you are collaborators with the perpetrators unwittingly, when you look doubtfully upon the victim.

    Did you know that there are more who stand with the perpetrators, than who stand with the victims.

    Did you know that when we change the way we treat victims, more victims will come forth.

    Did you know that the more victims are believed, the less victims there will be.

    Did you know that perpetrators need victims to be silent, in order to maintain their lifestyle of preying upon those less powerful.

    Did you know by disempowering victims, you are leaving them vulnerable to the next perpetrator.

    Did you know that your voice can either be raised to empower victims or to doubt them, to empower perpetrators or disempower them.

    Did you know, it is rare for the perpetrator be without champions. Friends and family will be the first to raise doubts when it comes to a flaw in his/her character. They will be unbelievers in his criminal life.

    I truly believe that many are not aware of how their words affect the culture of rape.

    I truly believe that many are innocently trying to educate and push back against what they feel is unjust and unfair treatment of a person who has done the time for the crime. They want bygones to be bygones. They want their world to readjust back to what it was before the crime.

    And, yet a crime did happen.

    A new victim was born.

    A life was changed forever.

    There is no going back to her normal.

     

    Trauma changes who you were born to be.

    While the debate goes on, other women and young girls witness the exchange and wonder about their own secrets, who to tell, if to tell, what to believe, who to believe…

     

    As I sit here, 60 years old, 14 years after my sexual assault was exposed, I know that it is better to speak out, even if the whole world doesn't believe you, you believe you enough to speak out.

     

    It is part of the healing process. To speak up, to take back your power from the perpetrator and those who unwittingly support him. It is healing to even argue with the other side, for it makes you look deeply into what you value.

     

    It also makes you look directly at the culture of rape that held your perpetrator up.

     

    You find out quickly, who is with you and who is doubting you. Who the believers are and who is an unbeliever.

     

    So, as the debate begins to fizzles out again.

     

    I hope there are women/girls out there who are finding their own strength and power to speak up. Who will not sit silently by to become part of the rape culture.

     

    Did you know, you are either shining a light against abuse, or trying to keep it in the dark.

     

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