I M Perfect lady

Category: Books

  • Voluntary Madness

    I know that in my last discussion about religion and abuse, I am not clearly understood and perhaps I can't clearly understand the opposite side.  What I do know, is that religion isn't a place to heal, if you will, from mental disorders and or trauma from sexual abuse.

    Maybe this is the crux of the real problem.  

    Often religion and its followers Believe that it can. That if only we would believe harder in your God, we too could find peace.

    It would be more of a service to those of us who suffer the affects of abuse to be steered to a helping organization.  To have our abusers handed over to the justice system…and to help, if need be to stay away from our abusive family.  To support us as we stand against abuse.  

    Keep religion to do what religions does. 

    Which at this point in my life and my experience, I am not really clear what religion is for.  However, I do know what it does not work on.

    I am not against God.

    Having climbed from the hell hole that abuse puts you in, I know that telling me to have a personal relationship with God is not helpful.  I don't even know who I am and I first have to find a personal relationship with me.  I need to be supported in doing this. In following my truth; before following Jesus.

    While I know to the depth of my being the religious people I know are not unkind…intentionally.  They are, I believe just believing that ALL THINGS can be healed by God.  And then try and do this with us.

    I have many friends who consider themselves Christians and have great Faith.

    However, many of these same friends have no idea what my journey from abuse has been like. Nor can they appreciate an abusive parent, an abusive home and a childhood of lost innocence.  By telling us God loves us isn't enough.

    My fear and concern of the latest Author of Hush is that her message is that the church can heal us.

     

    I am listening to a book by Norah Vincent "Voluntary Madness" – Lost and Found in the Mental Healthcare System.  It is an incredible book about what those of us with mind disorders are up against.  Even in the Healthcare System it isn't an easy recovery from what ails the mind, body and soul.

    This book is showing just how difficult our journey is to finding the core of our pain, dealing with the pain and what society's healthcare system has to offer  and to find a way back to the self we left when abused.

    This author would be one I would wholeheartedly support!  

    Recovery isn't pretty and easily found.

    Again it is a dis-service to all of us to have religion as a healthcare service.

    I know she (Hush author) speaks of counseling; but she wants Christian Counseling.  Where religion and its base is the content of the healing modality.

    For those who read Hush, I would also like you to read "Voluntary Madness" and then let us pick up the conversation.

     

     

  • Hush

     "Hush – Moving from Silence to Healing after Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Nicole Braddock Bromley…sounded like a great book. She wrote this in 2007 and will be coming to Michigan Tech on the 28th of March.

    She lost me….before she was half way through.

    In chapter 5 "The truth shall set you free" she writes…

    ….you'll never find genuine healing outside of a relationship with God. I would be doing you an injustice to tell you that breaking the silence and accepting the truth about your abuse is the end of your healing.  I've heard many speakers say that you should never expect to overcome the pain of sexual abuse. They say that you'll aways feel empty inside because of it. My message is different.. I just can't leave you there!"

    "You see, I know from my own experience that knowing God was what quieted my    questioning heart and allowed His healing waters to flow in and out of my life. Some of you may be thinking, "This may have worked for Nicole because she has a close relationship with God, but it won't work for me. I don't have that. The greatest news in the world is that you can have one too! What God has done for me, He is longing to do for you."

    "If we're truthful, we have to admit that our own efforts to cope with abuse haven't really worked. In many cases, they have just added more problems and injuries; and in the end we still feel shame, pain and sadness. We've hurt others and ourselves, and in so doing, we've hurt God. But the good news is that all of this can be forgiven and the slate wiped clean. This happens through a personal relationship with God's Son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for us so that our sins could be forgiven and we could become children of God."

    "All you have to do to join God's family is to admit that you have failed Him, realize that you need him, and ask him to forgive you and to come into your heart to be your Lord and Savior. This is a simple path to an up-close-and-personal, day-in-day-out relationship with the God of the universe."

    "Once you're in God's family, you can start to get to know Him. Ask Him to show you His true character and reveal to you any lies you've believed about him, He will.  he wants to show you! No matter what you are struggling with, take it to the Lord. If it's a lack of faith or lack of desire to know Him more, tell Him. He can handle it.  He wants to hear from you.  He wants to answer you. He wants to help you."  Nicole

     

    These words leave me without words.

    I don't know where to begin to begin.

    She goes on to say…..

    "Replacing lies With Truth."

    "Although most lies took root when you were abused as a child, your abuser isn't the only enemy you have. Satan will try and get you with his tricks as well. He doesn't want you to get very far on your healing journey; in fact, he will do everything he can to trip you up by keeping you from knowing the truth. The apostle John says this about him: "He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44)

    "LISTENING TO SATAN PLANTS THE SEED OF A FALSE BELIEF SYSTEM DEEP WITHIN US."

    "Dwelling on his lies allows a poisonous vine to grow in the soil of our minds and then spread until it affects every area of our lives. The longer you allow it to live on the inside, the more it will manifest itself on the outside in behavior that keeps us in the darkness and bondage. The only way to break free of this oppression is to root out each lie and replace it with truth. When we demolish lies about God, all the lies that stem from a false view of Him will die as well."

    "Survivors of abuse often find it hard to resist Satan's lies because their own experiences make them seem credible. When you find yourself harboring the Devil's lies in your mind, do what Jesus did when Satan tempted Him in the wilderness; Counter each lie with a truth from God's Word. This is the way to resist Satan, and God promises that when you do this, "he will flee from you" (James 4:7)."  Nicole

     

    I will go and listen to her.

    But, my overall impression of her book is that it is a dis-service to those of us who are breaking our silence and sharing our truths.

    It left me with one choice.

    Hers.

    I would not recommend this book.

    I can't wait to sit in the audience and feel her message.

     

     

  • Ruby

    "When you get something on the page, it leaves your body."  Cynthia Bond – Author of "Ruby"

    I loved this line in her interview in "O" magazine… and I loved her book, "Ruby". 

    When asked why she wrote…."I was just trying to stay alive, and writing was the way I could do it."

    She also says, "My memories of abuse are not linear – they're like swatches of fabric I keep trying to stitch into a pattern.  Often they don't make sense.  I try to match colors, like piecing together a puzzle.  Is that sky or water? Paint or blood? I started having such vivid memories, I couldn't move.  I was afraid I would hurt myself. Finally I started writing. I got help. My mother saved my life again and again. I wrote and wrote, and started putting together a novel. I didn't mean to. And I had no idea it would end up being so long – it was originally close to 900 pages.  When my agent saw how long it was, she urged me to break it into three books.  This is the first."

    I loved the way she writes…

    "She wore gray like rain clouds."

    Yet it is a book that is laced with abuse and how it is seen or more… overlooked.

    Very colorful characters who interact in a way that creates the climate for abuse.

    Her landscape is different than mine, her heritage not the same; the abuse in the book much more severe…and yet the outcome remains the same.

    Loss of self.

    Voices in your head echo the way your abuser (s) see you. 

    Another line…which I heard went something like this. "Until you hear the lie of your abuser, you will not see your self."

    As she ends the interview, she says "No one was ever brought to justice, though everyone knew who did it.  My grandfather died knowing his daughter's killers remained free. I'm glad I'm in a position to talk about these atrocities."

    I see this as the flow of how humanity changes when abuse appears and its journey.  Not only what it does to lives; how they change…but then the course correction that is possible.  

     

     

     

     

  • Fulfilled and Happy

    "In acceptance, we are free to be in the present. Once we have accepted our own true nature and the ways of the universes they are reflected in our world, there is no longer regret about our past, nor is there fear of the future.  Fear of the future no longer exists when the past has been healed. This is because in the usual ego-oriented state of consciousness, the ego tends to project the past upon the future, and a past that is viewed negatively becomes fearful when projected upon the imaginary future. Our letting go of the lower energies of guilt, fear, and anger, and pride has alleviated the weight of the past and cleared the clouds of the future. We face today with optimism and are grateful to be alive. We see that yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come and we have only today"  David Hawkins – Letting Go – The Pathway of Surrender"

    This concept may be hard to grasp and even harder to execute, but it is, in my experience, the only way you can free yourself from the cycles.  Especially the cycles of abuse.

    If "not going back" and "moving on" or "thinking only positive" worked…abuse in my family would have stopped years ago.  

    I know, that I have been criticized for having stayed with this topic for over ten years, that I have 'not moved on' but chose instead to remain stuck in the past.  When in fact, I have been staying with my past to neutralize it.  To sit with and feel each part that brought up anger, negative feelings, guilt and shame.  I stayed there until I could find peace…and acceptance.

    And I have.  

    Some areas have taken weeks and months and have come back time and again for more acceptance and peace.  Each time a thought would arise carrying pieces of negative energy, it was my job to look at it more closely to see what part of me was still tangle up in a negative way.

    As my yoga teacher says, "Anytime someone can still your peace, you are the loser."

    My job was/is always to engage with my feelings until we come to a peaceful thought.

    As Byron Katie says in her books, the road to hell starts with "should, could, would".

    If he would…

    Or she should…etc.

    I have found that the only way to neutralize my past was to keep my thoughts and my feelings true.  To have the courage to face what is….no matter what reality was showing me and then find peace with accepting it.

     

    "a past that is viewed negatively becomes fearful when projected upon the imaginary future."

    Just this one thought alone….If you view it negatively….the negative is what will happen again and again.

    So, not only do you have to go back to a negative childhood (when incest or abuse has occurred) but you have to come away seeing you differently.

    You can't hold on to the guilt and shame and hide your abuse and have a different future.

    It is to be abused but to feel guilt-free, shame-free, without the negative drag.

    Today my negative radar is free.

    My gratitude scale is overwhelming.

    My future shines bright.

    David Hawkins ends this segment with…

    "In summary, then, the consciousness level of acceptance is one that we all long to achieve, for it enables us to find freedom from most of life's problems and to experience fulfillment and happiness."

    I am very fulfilled and happy.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Out of Reality

    David Hawkins writes about “Guilt”…in his book, “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender.

     

    “Ninety-nine percent of guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. In fact, the most pious, meek, and harmless individuals are often riddled with guilt. Guilt is really self-condemnation and self-invalidation of our worth and value as a human being.”

     “Guilt is as prevalent as fear, and we feel guilty no matter what we are doing. A part of our mind says that we really ought to be doing something else. Or, whatever we are actually doing at the moment, we out to be doing “better.” We “should” be reading a book instead of watching TV. We “should” make love better. Cook better. Run faster. Grow taller. Be stronger. Be smarter. Be more educated. In between the fear of living and the fear of dying is the guilt of the moment. We seek to escape it by remaining unaware of it through suppression, repression, projecting it onto others, and escapism.”

     “Remaining unconscious of guilt (repression), however, does not solve it. The guilt re-emerges in the form of self punishment and through accidents, misfortune, loss of jobs and relationships, physical disease and sickness, tiredness, exhaustion, and the multiple ways the ingenious mind figures out how to bring about loss of pleasure, joy and aliveness.”

     “Guilt represents death just as love represents life. Guilt is part of the smaller self and underlies our willingness to believe negative things about ourselves.

    "The happiness and joy of the day is instantly destroyed by one negative remark from a family member, friend or neighbor. Physical disease is unlikely to exist without guilt, and guilt is a denial of our inner intrinsic innocence.”

     “Why do we buy into so much garbage? Is it not because of our very innocence? Is it not because as we grew up, we trusted that what others were telling us was the truth? And even currently, do we still trust what others are telling us is the truth? Is it not so that we have bought into ten thousand lies and are willing to buy another ten thousand out of the naivete of our inner innocence? Is not that inner innocence the very reason for our exploitability? In fact, when we look deep within ourselves, is it not because of our very innocence that we believe ourselves to be guilty?”

    “It is because of our inner innocence that we have bought into all the negativity of the world and allowed it to kill our aliveness, destroy our awareness of who we really are, and sell us the pathetic little smallness for which we have settled. Is not ours the innocence of the newborn that cannot defend itself, and with no capacity for discernment, could only allow itself to be programmed, like a computer.”

     “To see this means to become conscious. We hear of consciousness-rising programs and weekend seminars to expand our consciousness. What does this mean? To get new complicated formulas? To get programmed with somebody else's idea of mystical truth?”

     “Most of the consciousness programs boil down to this essential point: become aware of what we are buying into, what we are accepting daily. Let's look at what we have already been programmed with and begin to question it, dissassemble it, and let it go. Let's wake up and free ourselves from being exploited and enslaved by the negative programming of the world. We will see it for what it is, which is an attempt by others to control us exploit us; extract our money, our services, our energy, our loyalties; and capture our mind. The mechanisms whereby this comes about were so beautifully exemplified in the movie, Tron, in which the very function of “master control” was to enslave by progressive programming.”

     “When we see the truth of how programming happens, we will see that we are the pure, blank computer. We are the innocent space in which the programming is occurring. When we look at all of this we are going to get angry. Anger is better than resignation, apathy, depression, and grief! It means to take charge of our mind instead of handing it to the television set, the newspaper, the magazines, the neighbors, the conversations in the subway, the chance remarks of the waitress, the garbage in and the garbage out. What went into our memory banks was garbage, and when we see this, we will have much less fear. We will enjoy starting to let the feelings come up, seeing them for what they are, clearing out all the garbage, and letting it go.”

     “Once we have looked deep within ourselves and found that innate inner innocence, we will stop hating ourselves. We will stop condemning ourselves and stop buying into the condemnation of others and their subtle attempts to invalidate our worth as human beings. It's time to re-own our power and stop giving it away to every passing scammer who jiggles our fears and shakes loose some money out of our pocketbook or enslaves us to their cause, living off of our energy. It's easy to get away from all that fear because we have the power of choice now.”

    “We fear that the inner voyage of discovery will lead us to some dreadful, awful truth. In its programming of our minds, this is one of the barriers that the world has set up to prevent us from finding out the real truth. There is one thing the world does not want us to find out and that is the truth about ourselves. Why? Because then we will become free. We can no longer be controlled, manipulated, exploited, drained, enslaved, imprisoned, vilified, or disempowered. Therefore, the inner voyage of discovery is cloaked over with an aura of mystery and foreboding.”

     “What is the real truth about this voyage? The real truth is that, as we go within and discard one illusion after another, one falsehood after another, one negative program after another, it gets lighter and lighter. The awareness of the presence of love becomes stronger and stronger. We will feel lighter and lighter. Life becomes progressively more effortless.”

     “Every great teacher since the beginning of time has said to look within and find the truth, for the truth of what we really are will set us free. If what is to be found within ourselves were something to feel guilty about, something that is rotten, evil, and negative, then all the world's greatest teachers would not advise us to look there. On the contrary, they would tell us to avoid it at all costs. We will discover that all the things the world calls “evil” are right on the surface; they are right on the top, as the superficial, outer thin layer. Beneath these errors is mistakenness. We are not rotten – only ignorant.” David Hawkins

     

    What I found so very interesting is that it is our ignorance or innocence that IS what Believes in what the mind is saying. For a person who doesn't believe what the mind is saying… is no longer innocent to the ways of the mind/world.  A Non-believer if you will.  

     We are only guilty if we are innocent enough to believe it. Once we are wise to the ways of the world it can no longer capture our minds into believing what it says. We are no longer innocent.  We are no longer Believaheads!

     If people only knew that guilt can only settle in, if you have no other story about yourself. You buy it because you know not who you are.  Only the innocence can be guilty.

    In order to lose the guilt; you have to de-bug the program that sold you the definition you have about yourself.

    What are they saying and is it your truth?

    “Ninety-nine percent of guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. 

    I knew guilt was something they sold to you….what I didn't know, is that you only could accept it IF and when you were innocent.  Children who don't know who they are…are easily swayed out of reality.

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  • Worlds Apart.

    The two worlds existing side by each is so remarkable. And the inhabitants of each world speak two different languages and see things completely different.

    Not like a similar variation or just a bit down the spectrum…but completely different.

    Where one daughter sees a dad and the other a pedophile.

    That different.

    And the occupants of these worlds can't speak to each other for each sees a completely different person.  Our language has no common denominator.

    Our words fall on deaf ears.  Our beliefs hold us prisoner each on our own side.

    The woman who was able to see her mother as an alcoholic, said about her life and her childhood…."It was to see everything in color after only seeing black and white for years."

    I said, only months after seeing….that I see too much.

    There are only two worlds in the mind.  But reality holds only one.

    I know why many live in the other world.

    You get to have a mom and a dad.

    You get to have family.

    You get to have what our mother's mind created.

    You get to skip around and forgive and forget anything that would shatter that world.

    I am threat to the veil you hold in your mind.

    I come in with a rush of ugly.

    With emotions too wild to hold and feel.

    I am the representative of all the things the veil has hidden.

    The ugly truths your world can't hold.

    This knowing of two world existing together…and how the mind keeps you away from mine…brings me peace.

    Knowing it isn't personal.

    When I first stumbled upon this "other" land I was horrified, shocked and shattered…my whole life blew apart and was completely constructed and rebuilt in one horrifying moment.

    I died and was reborn.  You died too.  You who I knew no longer existed…and were reborn into someone I couldn't recognize anymore.

    Into a world where everything was the opposite of what my mind had labeled.

    I am a stranger now to the old land.  One who doesn't believe the old labels.

    I am now at home on this side.

    While we are standing on different sides of the veil, we will not hear each other.  It will only be when we are standing together.

    I know I can't go back.

    I can't put the veil up and not see what I saw.

    I can't pretend to pretend to pretend.

    So we will travel through the years together but apart.

    I see you.

    And you see me.

    Yet we don't see the same.

    Everything is different; depending upon what side you are standing on.

    Somehow this image brings me peace; knowing the sentiment I have heard.  

    "Forgive them, they know not what they do."

     

    Reading in The New Codependency by Melody Beattie, she writes.

    "Communicate Authentically"

    "Are we talking to manipulate, control, or alter someone's perception instead of to honestly express ourselves? We can't simultaneously communicate who we are and control or manipulate. When we're manipulating or controlling, we're not speaking our truth.  If we're numb or disconnected from ourselves, we may not know what our truth is!  Maybe we are not lying, but we're not being who we are.  It's not deliberate. Some of us have been codependent chameleons for so long we don't have a sense of ourselves at all. Our intuitive responses to people – and how they talk to us – can give us real hints to what other people are up to, and where they're at. But that requires trusting ourselves and knowing what we're feeling.  If people are trying to control us, we'll feel like we want to back off, run away, escape. If we're being manipulated, we'll feel confused and cruddy after the conversation ends.  Another communication problem is draining energy or power from someone under the guise of "talking." People may act like they want to have a conversation with us, but many people with codependency issues use conversation as a way to get us to take care of them. They're draining our energy the way thieves siphon gas from someone's car. People segue from asking how the person is into begging the person to tell them what to do, listen to them complain, or take care of them emotionally.  If someone is "taking power" in communication, it can be detected by how the person is robbed of power feels when the conversation ends – exhausted, drained, or depleted. When someone feels incomplete and things the other person holds the missing piece to them, they drain other people's energy or take their power. Is someone controlling, manipulating, or draining you? Does someone's name on your Caller ID evoke a groan, or do you hide in another aisle when you see the person at the grocery store because (whether you have the words to describe it or not), you know he or she wants to control, manipulate or suck your soul? Or is the situation reversed? Are people avoiding you? Do you want something you're not honest about or aware of from them? Do you want them to fix you, validate you, make you feel better? Do you believe they have some magic, insight, answers, or power you don't?  Do you htnk someone else has the power to make you feel whole and complete?"  Melody

     

    Perhaps the two worlds are simply those who communicate to honestly express themselves and those who communicate to control and manipulate.

    The only reason they communicate is to keep their fake world going…by trying to control others to keep it all in place.  The thing they fear the most is complete and utter freedom to be. 

    To express, to feel and to be who we are.

    The contrast in communications between the two, are worlds apart.

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  • The two lives of you.

    I was listening to a fictional book, "All Fall Down" by Jennifer Weiner and she was writing about a woman who discovered her mother had been an alcoholic for the first time when she was in rehab.

    She had a wonderful way of writing about the fact that we are living very close to piercing the curtain of denial. That just one slip and the veil is broken and we are tossed into a completely different world.  The life and childhood and even the relationship between her parents completely changed, once she knew that her mother was not who she thought she was.

    She described it as two worlds living by each other and in heartbeat, you can be tossed into the other world…and the old one is now closed to you.

    I am uncertain if I can correctly articulate the how close this other world is; while you are an unbeliever that it exists.

    How cleverly it is disguised by your unknowing.

    It is right there.

    But your faith in the other world is so complete…you don't ever even comtemplate a different view of your parents…say.  You just continue to believe your childhood version. Until.

    Until something pierces the veil of unknowing.

    This cover that was placed there when you were too young to know. To incapable in undestanding the nuances of adult behaving badly.

    And yet.  Once she knew, she understood her self better and her parents became strangers to her.

    I understand this.

    If you can visualize how awkward it is to be living a life not knowing the truth and not being able to fit in and feel comfortable. Something is "OFF" and you believe it is you.

    I guess I hadn't seen it as two complete worlds running side by each….and me living in one (the false one) and my parents living in the real world, keep it from me.

    Keeping it from me by not letting me live there.

    Not allowing their truth to live with me.

    Again, not sure if it makes sense to you all, but it certainly does to me.

    The spin they place on reality when we are children and believable…is what helps creates this alternate world.  And, our need and survival upon them.  We need to believe in a world that isn't cruel.

    I guess I had taken complete ownership of my denial, that it was my fake world…and didn't consider their hand in helping me stay there.

    The multitude of ways of covering it up…and the stresses of not letting the two worlds meet.

    How we see what we believe and not see what is.

    These two worlds exist side by each….always. 

    Which world you live in depends upon many things.

    It wasn't until she see herself as her mother…and she was having a hard time pretending this "other world" was her life.  When the truth was too hard to cover up or she was tired of trying…or her husband was tired of the lies he kept stumbling up…that she gave up pretending.  And, it all fell down.

    What falls apart, when our lives fall apart, is often the fake world. The one we pretend is us.  The one we share with others, but isn't our truth.  When my world crashed, it was on the pretend one.

    Each time we lie or deceive, we are creating another world.

    And, I wonder how many folks die living in a fake world.

    How many live in just one world.  One where truth is told, no matter what.  Whose life has only one side…reality.

    Interesting to know, if you are not being wholly authentic, there is another world running at your side. The two lives of you.

     

     

  • Separate Being

    "Codependents go numb by obsessing, controlling and denying."  Melody Beattie

    "Codependency is subtle, insidious. To recover from chemical dependency, we admit that we're powerless over alcohol. We realize we aren't controlling alcohol; it's controlling us.  Now alcohol was controlling me again, but it was the alcohol someone else was drinking.  That's what made it so confusing. I began to see I'm powerless over almost everything.  It's a painful, defeated feeling when we admit we're powerless and our lives are that messed up. The good news is, when we surrender to what we're powerless over, we discover our true power."

    "Recovering from addictions was grueling. But surprisingly, healing from codependency became fun after I surrendered to the pain. It feels good to take care of ourselves. I became excited, then obsessed – but now I was obsessed with codependency. (Obsession can be positive,) I wanted to learn everything I could – not about the alcoholic, but about this thing that had brought me to my knees. The perky woman who welcomed me to my first meeting was right; If we're alcoholics or addicts and codependents, we are Double Winners."

    "The wheel of life turns constantly. It's the wheel that creates paradigm shifts, changes in perception, and changes in our lives. Often events in one person's life symbolize these larger shifts in the world.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama was ousted from Tibet.  But many people say that the Dalai Lama's los was the world's gain. His departure from Tibet symbolized the enlightenment principles spreading from a tiny country atop a large mountain all the way around the world to the United States.  These principles became the basics of recovery and self-care; nonattachment (letting go and detaching); nonresistance (surrender and acceptance); and awareness (taking inventory daily).  Recovery also encourages prayer and meditation.  People in recovery learn to live like little monks – they're offered a spiritual way of life."

    "We connect with ourselves and learn to connect in healthy ways with other people. We develop a personal relationship with God, a Higher Power of our understanding. We find meaning in every detail of our lives; there isn't anything that we did or that happened to us that can't be used for good.  We finally find our purpose instead of feeling like a mistake. Plus we get the tools to handle any experience we encounter. These are some of the gifts of recovery. That's what we win, and its a lot more than two things."  Melody

    I honestly think most people have no idea that they are codependent and are absent from their own lives; so off center they have disappeared.

    They don't realize they are gone, for they have been missing since early childhood.

    It's insidious ways has us so focused on what others think and want, we don't even know we are not present.

    Do you know when you have lost your self?

    Can you find a self you don't even know?

    Is it possible, that the only reason you can tolerate living codependently IS because you are not there to protest?

    I find this extremely intriguing.

    How we as a society have been raised via religion and abusive families to leave our self behind in order to capitulate to their needs.  And, also were rewarded with attention when we did so.  We became another individual, leaving our own self behind, in order to keep the peace in our family.

    The codependent self is our false self.

    It lives only in the eyes of other.

    When I broke down in 2004…it was the codependent that shattered.

    While my life appeared to be in complete ruin…a sprout of Self was revealed.

    I caught a glimpse of my life and saw I wasn't there.

    It was all built upon the needs and demands and rules and beliefs of someone else.

    I set out to find my missing self.

    I did so by staying disconnected from what others needed/wanted me to do for their own peace and edification.

    While it was tragic on one hand…living 46 years as a codependent…it was equally as thrilling to finally be able to be me.  Excited filled the void where codependency once lived.

    Being self centered is to have a sense of self and honor that, no matter what task or relationship you engage in.

    I am now 10 years in the process of living a life as a separate being.

     

     

  • Relationships will die.

    More about Boundaries….from Melody Beattie. 

    "It's not a boundary if we can't enforce it."  (Love this line!)

    AFTER SETTING BOUNDARIES PLAN ON:

    .being tested to see if we're serious, especially if previous boundaries were empty threats.

    .feeling "after burn" (guilty) for saying what people didn't want to hear.

    .needing to be creative to enforce some limits.

    .some boundaries taking enormous amounts of energy to enforce.

    .people being persistent if they're obsessive, dependent, or spoiled.

    .losing some relationships when people can't use us anymore.

    .people trying to guilt us into changing our mind.

    .people becoming angry when they realize the boundary is real.

    .people lying or behaving desperately to get us to back down.

    .some boundaries hurting us (to set) as much as they hurt the other person.

    Questions:

    "Are we willing to do what it takes to enforce a boundary? If not, we'll have to start over. Then the person will push harder. By giving in, we teach people that if they push enough, our boundaries collapse."

    WEAK SPOTS

    "We may be expert boundary setters. Boundaries roll off our tongues like butter. People barely know a boundary was set. WE know we have a right to express ourselves – except with one particular group of people or one person.  For some reason, that's our weakness with boundaries."

    "Many people say that romance comes and goes, but friendship is forever. However, friends can be the hardest to set boundaries with. Although many people expect to argue in romantic relationships, there's an unspoken agreement not to argue with friends."

    "Don't resist your weak spots. Awareness and acceptance bring change. The harder it is to set a boundary, the more important the boundary probably is."

    Questions:  Who is the person or group that's your boundary weakness?  Do you know why?

    BOUNDARIES THAT HURT

    "Sometimes we deeply love people whom we need to separate from unless their behavior changes. Even if it's our child who's doing something that harms or disrespects us, we may need to distance ourselves for a while."

    "The day arrives when a child isn't our baby. When they become adults, our children need to take responsibility for their behaviors. Setting limits will be good for us and good for our children, too."

    "No doubt, some boundaries can hurt us as much or more than they hurt the other person. Maybe that's why it's called "tough love."

    Questions:

    What is the most painful boundary you've set?

    Is there a boundary you're delaying setting because you know how much it'll hurt?

    BOUNDARY SETTING TIPS

    "Say "Can I get back to you on that?" if someone catches us off guard asking for something. Don't blurt out, "Yes." Retreat until we know what we want to do."

    "Prepare for setting difficult boundaries by writing or rehearsing what we'll say.

    "Don't explain or justify our actions unless people ask and we want to tell them. Excuses weaken our power."

    "Don't forget; Boundaries include saying what we want, enjoy and like, too – not only what doesn't feel good."

    "If we spent years not knowing we could say no, we might spend years saying no after we learn we can.  If we didn't get to experiment with power as children, we may go through the terrible twos when we're adults."

    "If we feel our boundary collapsing, wirte a reminder letter to ourselves about how it feels when we let someone do what the boundary concerns. Write a letter when the feelings are fresh. When we're tempted to give in, read the letter.  It may stop euphoric recall and help us remember how much that behavior hurts."

    "If a boundary involves people doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing. Then, everyone involved can clearly tell if and when the boundary is met."

    "Set tough limits in blocks of time to reduce the sting. Set a boundary for six weeks or six months. Then, review the situation. Boundaries don't have to be forever. They can be "until".

    "Someone sending hostile thoughts at us for saying "no" can be extremely disruptive. The more bonded we are with people, the more likely we'll feel what they feeling whether we're talking to them or not. If we react by sending back angry feelings, we'll be even more disrupted.  Unhook from unspoken or silent hostility. We we send only loving thoughts to people, it makes those boundaries easier to set."

    "If a boundary involves complaining about a service delivered stay focused on the issue. Don't attack the person. Be specific how we'd like the problem solved. We won't always get satisfactory resolution, but our chances improve when we don't put people on the defensive by attacking them. Besides, who wants an angry dentist drilling our teeth or a resentful stylist cutting our hair? They may be working at a job role, but they're people and they have feelings too."

    "Sometimes we may think we reached our limit. We may want to be done with a relationship, but when the person calls, we give in and see him or her again. Sometimes the more we resist the person, the more we get pulled back in.  If that happens accept we're not ready to enforce the boundary yet – or we would. It's like the Chinese finger, cuff trick. The harder we pull apart our fingers, the more stuck we get. By relaxing instead of resisting, we set ourselves free."

    "We don't have to yell to show power. The more certainwe are about our limits and our right to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly – or softly- we talk. Sometimes a person is being aggressive, or a salesperson is trying to bilk us, we may have to stomp our foot and loudly insist that the behavior stop. We may have to call the authorities. When we need to raise our voices, we'll be more effective if we do it like an actor playing the role of an angry person that if we're screaming because we're out of control and our anger is controlling us."

    "We may find ourselves in difficult situations – legally and emotionally. We either get a divorce or let a spouse ruin our credit. It's a decision only we can make. If we can't decide, maybe it's not time. But remember – not deciding is choosing. Do we want the consequences we'll get? Laws are constantly changing. Check- maybe you can legally protect yourself in ways you didn't know existed."

    "Other circumstances have legal complications. We have responsibilities for children until they're adults. "Living with my teenager was hell," many parents said. Call the school or police. They may be able to tell you what your responsibilities are; they will probably have the most current resources. Or consult a competent attorney. Knowing your legal responsibilities and options is part of taking care of yourself."

    "Get support from a group whose members have similar problems as yours. Don't attend a group with women talking about being married to alcoholics when you're dealing with a teenager engaged in abusive behavior. Whatever you're going through, you aren't alone. Other are going through a similar experience. Support will help more than you know. A group equals more than the total of its members. Something happens that strengthens us in ways we won't know exists until we have the experience."

    "If we ask for help and look for answers, we'll find the information, clarity, guidance, and power to set and enforce the limits that are right for us."  Melody 

    If setting boudaries is really is being honest and truthful, it is so amazing that folks will have issues with it.  That we will literally be attacked when we say our truth and hold others accountable for their own actions…

    When I began this process I was totally taken aback by how others would treat me when I set boundaries. Like I was insane and that I wasn't kind.

    That I had a problem with their problem seemed to make me a worse person.

    Perhaps it was the sheer volume of dysfunction that I was swimming free of that was so incredibly hard to swim against.  It showed me the level of pretend I had choosen as me.

    I was not living my truth, speaking it or walking it.  I was such a pretend person that when I started saying what I really felt boundaries began to rise and relationships began to fall.

    I wasn't prepared for the back lash.

    I wasn't prepared for those closest to me to strike back with hateful words.

    Intuitively, we as children, have to know, that our truths will have consequences.  That the other person whose behavior is hurting us, will not take kindly when we stop taking it.  

    My fallout was to be left alone.

    As a child, this would have devastated me.

    So, instead of living my truth; I pretended to survive.

    I know that sounds dramatic and over the top.

    But, until you have literally spoken your truth and then taken the steps to protect it and enforce your boundaries.  You haven't experienced the consequences of it. 

    Try it. And see what reactions have stood between you and your truth. How will they respond and what will it mean to the relationship between you.

    What I have seen or heard most say to me….is that they couldn't do what I have done, for they 'love' their parents or siblings too much. Really?  Or is it more comfortable to be a pretend person than to actually feel what isn't there.

    Even what isn't there of yourself.

    Here is what I know.  I was truly nobody. I was a compilation of lies.  I was a stockpile of no's that should have been yes….and yes's that should have been no's. I had no clue who I really was; but knew that all hell would break loose if I didn't pretend.

    It totally amazes me the distance between my truth and my pretend self and the contrast of both.  How absent I was and then how present.

    While living truthfully isn't easy it will bring you back to yourself.  You will begin to be reborn…and the pretend relationships will die.

     

  • Say it out loud.

    Melody Beattie writes about boundaries in "The New Codependency".

    "Boundaries"

    When:

    .we're done saying "yes" when we mean "no";

    .hurtful , disrespectful behavior must stop;

    . we're ready to say how we feel, whether people want to hear it or not;

    . we're willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that became one-way streets;

    . we're ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them they didn't pay back money they borrowed instead of us feeling awkward when we didn't do anything wrong;

    .we can't stand what's happening;

    .we're done letting someone drive us crazy;

    .the pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person;

    .we'll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occurr;

    . we want to stop doing something but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something but people don't want us to do that;

    "When I'd say, "I wish I could buy boxes of boundaries – I'd take four," in my talks after writing Codependent No More, people laughed and cheered.  The word boundaries as it applies to personal limits was only now entering our vocabularies. I didn't know much about boundaries yet.  Many people didn't either."

    "Boundaries aren't something we just "get".  They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear."

    "Boundaries are the limits of Love."

    "TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY;

    .what we'll do if people don't stop treating us a particular way;

    . what people can or can't do to or around us – in our space;

    .how far we'll go for someone;

    .how far other people can go with us;

    .what we will and won't tolerate;

    ."yes" when we mean it;

    ."no" when that's our answer;

    ."maybe" when we are unsure;

    .what we will or won't do if people don't respect the boundaries we set.

    "Boundaries come from speaking our truth.

    BOUNDARIES REQUIRE

    .self-awareness,

    .self-love,

    .honest communication,

    .saying the hard stuff,

    .aligning with or stepping into our power. 

    Limits can make or break relationships. They aren't only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.

    HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:

    .respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;

    .asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding or insisting;

    .doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;

    .asking if its a good time to  talk when we call;

    .not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;

    .not borrowing, without asking;

    .paying debts on time;

    .telling the truth;

    .being nonjudgmental;

    .not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;

    .not pushing our beliefs on others;

    .not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;

    .calling at normal hours unless it's a true emergency and not drama;

    .not talking about others behind their backs;

    .not assuming we know the facts unless we do;

    .not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors;

    When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask!   Melody

    Part of growing up or healing from abusive childhoods and even adult relationship IS to learn how to set boudaries or to even find them.

    I learned that I have very few boundaries and that it was quite shocking to me and others when I discovered this tool.

    And, I love her line…"Boundaries come from speaking out truth!"

    I set out to speak my truth and set boundaries along the way.

    It wasn't overnight.

    Each moment of time and in each encounter I faced my truth.

    And in doing so set another boundary.

    You don't have to know what you like or dislike, what you have to be willing to do is feel your truth and then speak it and enforce it by requiring this….and setting out a consequence when it doesn't happen.

    What I know for certain is being truthful has given me a life that honors me and in doing so honors who they are too.

    I am not concerned or trying to change anyone; rather I am only trying to live my life in truth.  And I honor my truth enough to say it out loud.