I M Perfect lady

Category: Crusade

  • Abuse Died with Ray

    When I began writing, it was in a journal….silently.  I wrote to find out who I was, what I believed upon and who my choices served. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.  

    At the time I was completely lost onto myself… and in writing the truth appears.  I began to know me…who I was and who I wanted to be.  I was able to excavate my past to re-direct my future…and in doing so, I have kept the volume on about abuse and its linger affects…when many would love for me to shut down the blog and let the abuse die in peace.

    My intentions were to first let my children know me…and secondly, to let others know how it feels to right oneself after abuse.

    In my mother's family, she had two sisters who we never knew, and yet they did not leave their story behind for us to read someday.  I wanted my reasons for being outside of the family to be known.  I wanted to leave my story behind.  

    I wanted to put down how I felt and why.  How I saw myself from many vantage points, how my life, my truth, my history, and the family legacy, and all that affected who I am today…..and how each relationship carried a twisted up part, Me.

    This blog has been about me and the long term affects of having been raised in abuse and a cult like religion and then trying to turn it all around.

    My family wants the abuse to die with Ray Huhta.  They want it to be of the past. 

    Abuse cannot be tied up and tossed away, it isn't that simple.  It isn't like a lamp in a room, you can toss out and be rid of it.  In fact, abuse doesn't live in one act, it doesn't live in one moment of anger, sexual desire, or hit. Abuse lives in the person's behaviors, habits, patterns and the way the see themselves and how they treat others.

    Abuse in the Huhta family will not be dead because Ray is.  

    It is alive and kicking in each of the people that he abused, that knew he abused and want to focus instead on his good. That is where abuse lives.  It isn't in one act.  It is in the way we deal with the act or not deal.

    It is in the way the act makes us believe differently about the world and the people who 'love us' and we call family.  

    Abuse cannot be put in a box and tossed away.  Abuse is in the little decisions we make, the small choices….whether we speak out or remain silent. Who we support and who we stand against…Abuse is in the DNA of who you are IF you were raised in a home of abuse.

    Many would love for me to shut down this blog, to get back into line, to let the abuse go.  Like that would make a difference to abuse.  It won't. Abuse is traveling in each of our lives every day.  It is how we feel about ourselves.  How we interact in relationships. How we operate in our truth and integrity or how we live behind a facade.

    If only Abuse in the Huhta's would die with Ray.  If magically all the girls whose lives he messed up, would magically turn to love peace and joy. If their self worth was restored. If their power magically turned on….

    Instead all that died was the man who did damage to many little girls. LITTLE girls…who then grew up with this twisted piece inside of them. That is where abuse now lives.  It is inside of the girls he touched.  In the way they feel about themselves.

    If only I could get people to understand that abuse isn't in Ray….once he touched the little girls, he changed their lives forever. They will never not be un-abused. That is where the abuse is.

    These girls are now living their lives with this inside of them.  Something changed within them.  And if you were his daughter….its affects are deeper and if he raped you, deeper still.

    I am but one little girl.

    I have wrote and wrote and wrote….to right my world.  

    Abuse didn't die…when Ray's body left this earth.

    Abuse is alive and well…its impact is in the lives of the girls.  In how they see men, how they act in physical sexual relationships…how they manage intimacy and truth and their own voice and empowered actions.

    OH MY God….if only abuse died with Ray.


  • Harder than being abused.

    A few days ago I talked about "Family No Matter What" and how this sentiment is what keeps families bound together; no matter what treatment goes on within the home.   That it is seen as respectable and loving to uphold the family AND NOT LOOK at WHAT happened.  

    Keep your eyes focused on family, on sister, brother, Mom and Dad…

    Don't look at who carries the title, but look only at the title and do your due dilegence to keep it holy.  Do NoT disgrace the title with what happened.  Instead, bless it away, forgive the sin, and wipe the label clean.  It is your job as a loyal family member.

    I became disloyal to the family.  I did not wipe the abuse away.   

    My greatest crime against the Huhta's is my lack of being a good family member.

    I am seen as a worst criminal than my father, for this.

    This is the ultimate sin of all…for blood is thicker than water, and that family is family…you have no right to tear it apart.

    Me. 

    Not my father, but me.

    Why is my father not seen as the ultimate family wrecking machine?  Or my mother for allowing this wrecking to go on?

    How did I become the one to stand back from and to disassociate from?

    How did I become the main problem for the family in this?

    Oh yeah, my disloyalty to family.  Really?  Really?  You want me to be loyal to Ray and to Doris for watching this train wreck happen again and again.  You want me to be loyal to a religion and it preacher who knew and blessed it away, again and again. Really?  I am the problem?  How?  By standing up and walking away from the wreckage a wreck myself and working for 7 years to get myself seeing straight and thinking clearly, after the twisted backwards course I was set upon.  I, Beth Ann am your problem?

    One brother said I took the easy way out…that I just up and left the family due to its members being so damaged.  

    Is there an easy way after abuse???

    I am not sure there is.

    What I want most of my family to know, is that no matter your choice, no matter if it matches mine or not, I know to the depth of my being, that each of you are choosing to do that which brings you the most peace inside.

    Each choice you make is driven by your inner compass.  Each decision you make and each effort to stay clear from me is what brings you the most comfort inside. You are all using your free will to live the life you want.  It is not driven by the outside, but rather your inside.

    My inside and your insides just do not match.

    What brings you peace brings me disease.

    What brings you comfort…is extremely uncomfortable for me.

    Family means more to each of you…and your willingness to uphold it, is far from where my priorities lie.

    My priorities have been and will always be to make choices in each moment that are about the consequences each will bring.  I am consciously creating now, where in the past I was blindly making choices based upon another's feelings.  Now, I totally get that each choice I make comes with a complete package of consequences.

    It is my intentions to make choices that my children will be able to see were reflective of the truth and that I made the choices based upon what was right for me, not what the outside wanted or needed.

    Going against family is actually harder than being abused.

  • Stand in Harms Way

    I have been twisting my situation around and around in my head; the awkwardness of being estranged and having your parent die and how others are unsure of what this means to us.

    I finally got it.

    Death is a separation and usually an unwanted separation and hence we offer our sympathies.  But, when a person purposefully separates; desiring distance, especially from a parent or other family members, it is a forced death of sorts.

    Now, we don't know what to do when someone kills a relationship on purpose…

    The unnatural killing of family ties, is not something we are inclined to understand, for it goes against the grain of nature.  And once separated and the relationship is dead, and then the death of the body occurs, it is like being asked to grieve a second time….for an already dead person.

    I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone other than those who have experienced estrangement and how it leaves us in this weird place….a re-death.

    Not only is it uncomfortable for many to understand the estrangement and total death of a relationship, it is equally uncomfortable to bring up this old death again when the body dies….now what to say???

    To me it is just another new awkward moment.

    It is like the death is re-occurring, for it is happening for the first time for those who were not estranged…but, for me…it has already happened.

    I killed our relationship due to his behaviors…he died way back when….It was not a physical death, but a death nonetheless.  I felt its grief, the pain, all…while no one then could feel it like me…unless they too were ending their relationship with him.

    Mine wasn't just putting distance and not seeing him.  Mine was to completely turn my heart and mind, to dislodge the image of father, replacing it with an abuser.  My father died when the file was completely turned. I became a girl without a dad.

    I did this to save my sanity, to stop the insane father image that wasn't there.  In order to have the truth and reality match, I had no choice.

    While he died inside of me, he lived outside. He continued to live, but I didn't see him no more. 

    Now, my insides match the outsides.

    For me, it feels more peaceful not to have a ghost of my dead relationship still moving about the planet…and maybe even the teeny bits of hope of him changing now too have died. For once he is dead all hope dies too.

    I now understand the unease and awkwardness….for it truly is unnatural to kill family relationships.  But, what most need to remind themselves it should be natural when an unnatural act has happened.

    My father took the first unnatural step…and my mother followed, unnaturally as well. 

    So, while it seems unnatural to move away…it is actually a very natural response to harm.  It is more unnatural to stand in harms way.


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  • Change the Legacy.

     

    "The gift of the Habit of Forgiveness is that it reverses our tendency to allow the sins of the offender to eclipse the freedom and power of the wounded. In the end, Forgiveness is less about the offender than it is about healing and liberating those who have been hurt. Focusing with so much passion on the person who is in the wrong becomes an excuse to not move forward."  Ed Bacon, 8 Habits of Love- Open your heart, Open your Mind.

     

    The death of my father has brought back front and center the vast differences between my siblings and I…shining a spotlight on my weird choices and the absence of obligations etc.  

    My odd choices are reflective of my liberation and freedom from the party line.  I am no longer shackled to the hard held rules of family obligations.

    Those obligations disintegrated…when my father laid down the father role and engaged in sexual activities with me.  I just wasn't aware of them until I was 46 years old. When I discovered the abuse, I did a complete 360, and I no longer felt obligated to act like a daughter.

    This one choice has put me at complete odds with the family. 

    I am no longer treating my parents as parents and I their daughter.

    The change began with them, not with me.  I didn't start this dance, they did.  The moment my father abused and my mother looked away….the daughter relationship shattered.  

    With a mind empty of memories, but a body in fear, I went along believing that something was wrong with me.  Only to find out at 46, that both of them betrayed the child love and trust, and that I wasn't born with fear and not love inside, it was due to my experiences with them.

    It happened very quickly that I turned into myself and began to make choices based upon what was loving to me…after I knew who they were.  I was liberated from the abuse by the truth there was abuse.  There was abuse, not love.  There were lies that eroded the family that began with the parents. My body wasn't lying, they were.

     Forgiveness to me is "Accepting that the past cannot be any different." 

    There is nothing, I as a daughter, can do to change what is.  

    I didn't begin this mess, and I cannot change it…however, I can change how I live to lessen the impact abuse has upon my husband and children.

    Had I not change and done a 360, I would not be where I am today.

    I may be one of the minorities whose lives completely changed due to finding out abuse lived in our family home, and of that I am completely proud.

    The journey to transform myself out of dysfunction is not an easy road…for I literally had to go against family members to change.

    They will not encourage and clap as you make a choice that is the complete opposite of theirs.

    But, the only way I can see abuse not dribbling unto the next generation is to do the opposite of what was done to you.

    My mother looked away for reasons of her own.

    I looked at the abuse done to me as well as my abusive behaviors to others…I looked at her denial and mine.  I looked and I looked and I chose actions that would lead me to a new exit.  

    This wasn't done lightly and with no regard. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, but one of the most transformative for me and for my own family tree.

    I have truly strived to not let the sins of the offenders, eclipse the freedom and power of me.  

    I didn't know how I would act upon one of my parent's deaths… would I feel guilty for the years of estrangement, would regret push its way into my heart….what would I feel?  As an estranged member of my family, how would my family act towards me, when once again, I make choices that are not theirs?  

    Oddly, each time I stand alone with what is true for me, I gain strength of knowing who I am.  I feel the power of being an individual and the separation from being tightly bound.

    In the past ALL my choices were based upon the happiness, comfort, approval of others….now there is just me.

    For, if you are not at peace inside, if your choices don't sit well inside of you….then nothing others can do will bring you peace.  Peace, Love and Joy are all inside jobs.

    My total freedom to do what I feel is right for me, shows complete forgiveness…for I have the power to be free.  

    The opposite of abuse… has to be freedom!


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    This is a scene I pass each day on my mail route.  Nature standing naked in all its glory.  In nature I find common ground…I learn that being truthfully me…makes me who I am.  Whether it matches what others want from me or not, it is all I can be.

    I like a tree find that it is impossible to change my truth, my past, my history…all I can do is act today what will grow a new tomorrow…change the legacy.


  • Trying to Stop Evil.

    In my past couple of posts, I let loose my frustrations of how imbalanced it appears when you are trying to bring an end to an abusive relationship.  How it isn't just an easy exit.  Each party has Rights, and it seems at times, the rights of the one doing the abusing gets first pitch.  That we have to make sure, and then sure again…we have to have facts…and nothing but the facts. We have to have first hand accounts and they need to be impeccable….etc.

    This is all to assure us that we too cannot be falsely accused.

    However, there seems to be a fear that has stretched the reason way out of whack and that we need to move it back toward reason.  

    While it truly does seem like the police are making darn sure there are no errors in the accusations, they are not quite intune with the lives of the victims. 

    The fact finders and the ones carrying the wounds (facts) are often at odds.

    How can we build a bridge of trust and truth seeking?

    How can we enter into a relationship between the abused and the ones helping?

    How is it that the two sides who need to meet in agreement end up often so far apart and part in anger, frustration and helplessness?

    Is it possible that there is a role for mediators?  Someone who can dial back the emotion as well as put some caring and hope in the law of the land…

    In Dial Help, I heard that the police deal with offenders so much, that they often can't switch when dealing with victims and end up treating them like offenders. For oddly enough, the shame and guilt that victims often carry resemble the same postures of offenders.

    Even if the guilt and shame are groundless in victims…their body language and verbal content still reflect guilty actions. 

    A middle person who understands and can advocate for the victims is needed from the git go.  Not only to help the victim, but to be a reminder to the police that they are not offenders…even if their guilt and shame vibes are present.

    The complications of abuse and the pathway out is riddled with pot holes.  

    The intent on both sides is to stop abuse.  But, somehow each side is falling short. It is my humble opinion that the two sides must work together to double team the abuser. 

    For the abusers are lanquishing in the trials and tribulations as they witness the struggle for the two sides to work together in harmony.

    Each time the two sides fall away in distrust and weariness…the abuser wins again.

    How can we manage to eliminate the holes and begin to create a foundation where abusers will begin to fear?  With people in place that can make the transition seamless filled with the facts and first hand accounts that CAN be used in the courtrooms….and courtrooms that are willing and able to prosecute.

    By ratcheting up our frustrations and pointing fingers and blame, we will end up fighting among ourselves and taking our focus off the abusers, and what needs to be done to get them off the streets.  

    What we are finding out already is that there is very little communication or sharing between the "helping" agencies.  Where victim advocates are not offered at the police stations. Why is it that immediately, they are not assigned someone?  Shelter homes are not lending resources about advocates either?  It seems that the victims are being victimized by the separated agencies not willing to step on toes or share information.

    Perhaps there needs to be a third party. A separate impartial string, that can dangle in all of the agencies.  A rope that will lead the victim to each new helping place…with a list of what to expect, what is helpful, what is the best prep in order to fulfill what the laws of the land need.

    A laundry list of crucial points…because now it seems that the abused parent is learning as she goes…by what appears to be too late and not quite enough.

    How is it that we are not clearly educated on this stuff?

    How is it that we all know about fire safety, but we don't know what are the crucial points in exiting abuse?  

    In order for abuse to begin lessening, we have got to form a tighter group.  We need the law to recognize the NEEDS of the victim and make sure that they are not alone.

    We tend to think that victims are supported when their families are pulling a tight circle, but we fail to acknowledge that most families have no clue as to what to expect, what is needed and what is helpful, for they too are first timers in the sea of turbulance of finding out the truths about their children and grandchildren. Emotions are running high and often out of control, trying to stop the leak that has been going on far too long.

    Advocates that can calm the waters and offer helpful ways through….are needed.

    We all need to recognize that we are on the same team…and we all play a key role, but we need to tell each other what those needs are.  It seems now that there are many individuals….but no team.

    We are all on the same side….trying to stop evil.

  • Save a child.

    As I witness a mother try to exit an abusive marriage, keep her children from her abusive husband, the general theme seems to be, Prove It. Show us beyond a reasonable doubt that things are not pleasant. 

    The burden of proving is hers.  The abuser doesn't have to lift a finger in his defense for the laws of the land and the agency policies are there to protect his innocence, repeatedly.

    Not only is it her burden, she has to follow the guidelines already in place…she has to match this unmarked path perfectly and no one tells her what she needs to do, BUT are Crystal CLEAR about what SHE is doing wrong.  

    She is not meeting the standards that the prosecution finds comfort in…the three victims to step forth did not do their job 'good enough' so…Nope, he will not bring this man into his courtroom.  Not good enough.

    The Child Protective Services are not quite sure all the evidence of abuse IS A CLEAR picture of an abusive father….you need to bring more clearer evidence.

    Do they not see what they are asking and what it means to be told repeatedly that what you see, what you hear and what you your self have experienced is not being accepted? 

    They will not take a chance stepping on the toes, 'innocent toes' of the abuser, while they have no troubles what so ever to trample on the painful experiences of abuse when they say, "not good enough".  

    It almost seems that they need to have a movie of the actual abuse taking place…and then, they would find a rule that would eliminate that as not being admissible for evidence.

    It is like the mother is in this insane game….where she is unable to connect her voice, her evidence to the right agency or lawyer or law department that will then MOVE on this abuse.

    What I see is her trying extremely hard going against the odds that are stacked in her abusive husbands favor…and no one will intervene.

    No one will take the rope from her hands.  No one will step forth and say…"You have done your due diligence, we believe that he is the monster he is, we will make sure he never touches another soul."

    This is what we all believe that the Law and Child PROTECTIVE Service agencies will do. But, they don't.

    They don't move a muscle.  They just keep gathering more infor and then they say, nope not good enough.  We need this and we need that.

    Do you know what the this and that is?

    They need more evidence.  How do you get more evidence???

    Oh yeah, that is right.  YOU LET the abuser have more visitation rights.  You wait for him to break into your home again.  You wait and you gather more evidence BY being a victim yet again.

    Would one of the police officers, one of the 'child protective service' people and the prosecutor do what they are asking her to do?  Have any of them actually walked this steep mountain out of abuse?  Have any of them felt the powerlessness of abuse, ONLY to be powerless again to stop it?  Is it their child who has to return yet again to 'visit' his abuser. 

    When abuse happens in the home, I am not sure what it will take to stop it.

    Getting out means nothing.  Getting out means you now have the Law, Child Protective Services and the Court ALL WATCHING the abuse continue.

    Who can stop this?

    What is the answer?

    If the mother refuses to 'let' her child go, she stands in contempt of the court. 

    Imagine ALLOWING your child to be abused IS being in contempt of the court.

    You would think that NOT ALLOWING your child to be abused is what a good mother would do….but, all the 'help' agencies, law and courts make you send your child back to your abusive husband.  They make you.

    I am not certain if pockets of communities work this way, but it sure seems that our town does.  We have evidence of it doing just that.

    When a nonabusive parent is not able to stop her child from being in the presence of his abuser…we cannot call our selves a civilized society.

    We are a society that is not protecting the children.

    We are a society that has made the climb out of abuse so steep and littered with red tape that it is not possible to exit.

    Our society matches the insanity of the abuser…and what makes it worse, is that heads nod in agreement, but then they check their paperwork and shake their heads and drop their hands…muttering, "There is nothing we can do."

    What I had thought was that the FALC was a huge hurdle, but it is only one of many.

    What we need to find out is what is the perfect thing abused women NEED in order to climb the mountain in the shortest amount of time and that will enable her to keep her children safe….and then we need to share this information. We need to arm ourselves with what is needed to successfully exit abuse.

    For now as it stands.  The abused are being kept in the dark. And it seems that most agencies are protecting the 'innocence' of the abuser and not the innocent child.

    It weighs heavy upon me to see the lack of care, concern and movement to save a child.  


  • Change the Rules.

    The insanity of a civilized society and its rules, is it ties the hands that are suppose to protect the children…while keeping abusers free.  Tell me how this is sane?

    How is it okay when a mother is unable to keep her children out of the hands of her abusive husband?  How is it that he gets to be 'innocent' until proven guilty, when evidence has been gathered…stories have been told.  Do most know that it is very very seldom, a very small percentage of the time is a lie told about abuse…and yet we are acting like every child is a liar.

    Children do not even know about sexual behavior and yet we are acting like they have an adult mind….they don't. They are being abused with adult behavior that they can't make up, for it is beyond their experiences.  And, they don't want to talk about it…for it is not comfortable to endure let alone speak of it….and yet they do. And, then we doubt them.  Come on people!

    How is that we have lost the common sense, that we have given up the rights of the innocent to protect the rights of the abusers?

    How is that we would rather fail and let a child endure more abuse, than face the slim chance of false accusations?  

    How is it that a prosecutor can look at different people reporting the same sick treatment from one person and act like there is not enough to make a case.

    Our prosecutors have lost their common sense.  They are willing and very able to look away from countless cases of sexual abuse.  They are looking and then NOT doing a thing.

    How is it that we have fallen down under the weight of laws and rules that paralyze the normal folk from being able to protect a child and we are okay with it???

    What I have found, it was that the abuse was so hard to imagine, BUT rather the way our laws, courts and agencies are so tied up THEY can't do one thing to help a child.

    Imagine, there are rules that will not allow them to use their own common sense.  It isn't that they don't believe the stories being told or the evidence being gathered, BUT none of it will float with the rules and laws.  

    All who have encountered the pleas of a mother and her children Do Believe…but few can raise a finger to help.

    The greater feeling of being helpless outside of being abused…is when you try and stop the abuse from happening and can't.

    It is like being a victim of society and its rules.  Being a victim of an agencies red tape. Being a victim of the prosecutors busy schedule and it is Election time…Being a victim…while trying to not be a victim anymore.

    How is it okay for us to abuse the victims who step forth?  Who are trying like hell to protect their children. They couldn't stop it in the home, in the confines of their marriage and family, and now that they have dared to get out….no one is standing there who can help?

    The general public has nothing to offer. Nothing but empathy…a hollow sorry.  

    Really?  

    What makes a person almost go insane is the amount of folks who know….and do nothing.  We are all guilty of knowing and doing nothing IF we don't change how sexual abuse cases are handled. We are all guilty of not protecting the children, while we allow these insane rules stand.  

    Common sense has to be returned to the land.  

    If our laws are not protecting the innocent, whose laws are these?

    Maybe it is time we no longer are okay with agencies whose funding is for protecting the children and it is spent on keeping the abuser innocent.

    The tide has to turn or evil will prevail.

    All it takes is for a few good law abiding citizens do follow the rules….rules that we all know are insane. Some sane person has to start the ball rolling to change the rules.


  • Poke Holes in the Spell.

    I found myself in a strange spot, where my intentions never made it to their home, where my concerns were intercepted by anger and judgment.  

    My love and concern left my body and before they landed, anger and judgment were fully encased in my words.

    Concern's content was completely disheveled and twisted.

    My concern had landed in a place where love was unwelcome and unseen.

    It is shocking and horrifying and greatly intriguing to witness this.

    What is so odd is that I literally do not hold any judgment within me, nor any anger…that inside me is caring concern and love.

    When I attempt to give what is within me to this other person, it feels the opposite of my intention.

    And, I am being blamed for something that isn't mine.

    I am being blamed for being angry when I am not angry.

    I am being blamed for being judgmental when I am not judgmental.

    And, it seems she wants me to change.

    How can I change what isn't inside of me???

    It is so complexing and so maddening.  For IF there was anger I could deal with it.

    If there was judgment, I could deal with it.

    But, if there is only loving kindness and grave concerns….how can I change them, and what would that look like?

    It seems odd that in order for her to feel loving kindness, I have to care less, be less concerned, less involved, less speaking…to stop caring.

    What I am learning about yet again is how each of us carry a definition of love, and it is from there that we recieve and experience life.

    It matters greatly what your definition of love is.  

    What does love feel like to you?

    The world can't give you love, only you can define what love is.

    The way abuse shows itself most clearly is by your definition of love.

    When an abuser does his grooming well, you will flip around love and fear.

    You will not fear him, but love him…and then you will fear those who truly love you.

    It is an amazing transformation in its tragic outcome.

    The mind is now set to recieve loving concern as anger and judgment…you push away from loving concerns…feeling it as anger.

    And, there is nothing the giver can do…for a mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.

    Life may show itself differently over time…something may jar this incorrect definition lose, but until then..I am a bystander watching the train of abuse…wind its insidious way in someone I love.

    I am once again tagged as the monster and the real monster sits unscathed.

    While under the spell of this grooming, you clearly can't see or feel.  Hence, abuse is allowed to continue on.  You are now incapacitated or incapable to discern good or evil.  

    I lived under this spell.  I believed my mind against all evidence to the contrary in real life.  I get this spell.  I understand the grips of control it has on your life.

    What I didn't have while under the spell of abuse was an adult person to speak the truth.  No one contradicted my mind.  No one challenged me.  No one led me to believe that my mind was wrong.

    I feel deeply, that when I bump up against someone whose mind is under the spell of abuse, that I do my due diligence to poke holes in the spell.







  • Breaking the Silence of Abuse.

    My quilts arrive at Fisher Hall, 135.  The venue wasn't quite prepared for them, but we managed to get them on display. They held their own, caught a few eyes…Even if the students didn't attend the RAINN movie and discussion, the quilts will be a memory…A Lady, her quilts and their story.


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    A young man stopped by, and spoke to me about how his mom quilted.  I believe, if we didn't put the quilts with a designated event topic that most steer clear of, but rather just display them….and let them draw folks in…they will give awareness to the affects of abuse and the wonder and power of facing your truth.


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    Two of my daughters came…Grace and beauty as they move around and helped with the quilts.   I do appreciate their willingness to attend.


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    And the Dial Help women….tirelessly offering their help with victims.  Trying to gain a visible stand in our community.  It isn't that their message or efforts are not what victims need….it is that victims are not made aware.  

    I find it a very complex and perplexing image….Victims in need, but not being led to those who have alot to offer….And those with alot to offer….wanting to catch the ears of victims. What seems to be a no-brainer, ends up leaving both sides wanting.


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    It is my humble opinion, that there are changes in the WIND, that we can create and shorten the span between the two sides. That we will no longer need events that 'educate', but rather we will host events that show the progress, the success and the creative power of breaking the silence of abuse.

    Thanks everyone who participated….

  • Doing Nothing.

    "Few situations can be bettered by going berserk." —MELODY BEATTIE 

    "It was the philosopher Michael Zimmerman who told the story of being a boy in school when someone passed him a pair of Chinese handcuffs, a seemingly innocent thimblelike casing with an opening at each end. It was passed to him without a word, and, of course, through curiosity, he slipped his left forefinger in one end and then his right in the other. Mysteriously, what made them handcuffs was that the more you tried to pull your fingers out, the tighter they held you. Feeling caught, he panicked and pulled harder. The small cuffs tightened. But suddenly, it occurred to him to try the opposite, and as he leaned his fingers into the problem, the small casing slackened and he could gently and slowly work his fingers free. So many times in life our pulling in panic only handcuffs us more tightly. In this small moment, the philosopher as a boy reveals to us the paradox that underscores all courage: that leaning into what is gripping us will allow us to work our way free."                                Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

     

    This is a hard won lesson for me. My initial instinct where abuse and/or denying the truth is concerned, is to berserk.  To freak out!  Perhaps it is all the years that I did not respond, that I am now over responding to any little hint of there being an imbalance of power.

    What I fail to remember, is that it is not about me.  I become powerless when I go berserk.  I lose control in that moment of time.  

    And most often the abuse has already happened…the crime has been committed, the event is over, and here I stand acting like the fire has just begun…when it has already turned to coals.

    My inner responses are a few years too late…

    If an abuser is good, if their grooming and courting is spot on, no one sees the fire blazing.  It remains hidden between the two…the victim and the abuser.  When done correctly, no one notices the soot spots on the victim…for she picks up part of the dance…of silence and sneaking around.  The time to freak is when it is impossible to see the fire.

    By the time it becomes aware, the damage is done. The victim has been turned around and upside down and calls abuse by another name.

    What then is the best response?  How do you undo the careful crafting of abuse?

    And, there are two kinds of grooming or courtship.  One is with false kindness and the other with sheer terror and threats.

    How do you intervene into these confused minds?

    I can see that my 'efforts' of berserkness is not helpful.  

    It takes sheer will to breathe calmly in the aftermath of abuse… A will I have not mastered at all.  

    What I go berserk about is that the victim isn't seeing. I guess I believe If I put on a dramatic display they will wake up. Usually though, I just appear scary.

    My strong suit is when they see their own confused mind and are asking for clarity.

    It is complicated when someone you love is sleeping in a dream that is far away from the truth, and it is draining their power and self esteem…

    What I do know, is that I woke up after 46 years and had but a teeny tiny seed of self and was able to grow strong by being aware and seeing the truth.

    Tom Rosemurgy asked me, "What could we have done to make you become aware while you lived in denial?"  It is a question that continues to plague me.

    However, I do know that it would have been uncomfortable, BUT helpful to have people question me…instead of sit in silent disagreement, but rather voice their concerns…even freaking out. 

    What I noticed most, looking back, is the silence of many while knowing abuse lived in our childhood home. What I didn't know then, is that many who were silent had the same type of energy in their own homes.  A fire seeing another fire as normal or at least nothing to get shook up about.

    Going berserk may have been helpful in gaining my attention.  IF, the person doing the theatrics was someone I trusted.

    When abuse lives in the home you trust, your trust is put in a container that doesn't have your best interest at heart.  

    My over responding to abuse most likely is brought on by the apathy of many. What would seem a normal active response to abuse never appears…in its place, silence and blindness arrive. 

    The overwhelming insanity is what I see the most. 

    A whole church full of people NOT responding.  Their Board Members, Mission Chairperson, Ministers, mothers and fathers….silently blind when abuse is spoken about.

    Going berserk seems to be a typical response for me when you put it up against their massive group denial.

    As a child, it would have been helpful to have even one person going berserk on my behalf.  One lady standing up and speaking the truth.  One eye to see me in abuse. 

    For it is indeed true, "All it takes for evil to continue is for good people to do nothing."

    I may go berserk, but in my book it still is better than doing nothing.