I M Perfect lady

Category: Current Affairs

  • Action where it matters.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=1306580,b=facebook

    The link above is by a woman who truly understands how tragedy happens…it isn't about the lack of gun laws, nor is it about there being no religion or God association in schools, it is about the delicate balance of the human mind.

    It is about mental illness.  It is about the fact that it isn't easily treated as it would be to change the laws about guns.  It would be easier to put the Pledge of Allegiance back in the schools, compared to coming face to face with dealing successfully with an imbalanced mental health of a child.

    For some reason, it is easier to not look at mental illness.  Yet we all say, "who in their right mind would do such a thing?"  The key is they are not well.  The are no winners in this. The child who is out of control is equally a tragedy.  

    I can't even begin to imagine living the life of this mother…to have a child whose brilliance is so bright and his darkness so dark.  Who do you love and support? Knowing when you lock up the darkness, his sensitive brilliance is compromised.

    As long as we talk about guns and not the mental illnesses and the lack of support and help for this mother and family, we will be guaranteeing more tragedies to come.  We are not learning our lessons.

    Guns are not the problem. God in schools will not be the answer to the mental illnesses that are plaguing these children.  We need to have clarity on where the real root of with these incidences lay.

    These children and their parents are both screaming for help and we are turning them away for there is no room, no program, no solution…etc. 

    Stop looking at the guns and start looking at these children.

    It seems horrific that prison is the answer…and that we don't see the child behind the gun…until it is far far too late.

    We are smarter than how we act.  It would be like banning cars due to drunk driving.

    What can we learn?  How can we help the boys/girls with mental illness…what can we do to save them from themselves…which in turn will stop these tragedies from happening.

    It isn't that these children are out of control, but we are.  We are literally spending time and words arguing about guns. We are not in control when we believe that guns and the lack of God in schools will stop a child with mental illness from acting out the only way his mind will let him.

    He needs us to get back in control.

    Controlling how we see the problem…

    Humanity as a rule sees what it wants to see and disregards the rest. And the rest, is where the solution lies.

    I get this maddening desperation of the mother….while everyone speaks of guns and the lack of God in schools, she has a child out of control.  

    She knows changing gun laws will not stop her son.

    She knows using the word God in school or adding prayer, will not change her son.

    It is time we all see what she sees…and put action where it matters.

  • Abuse is actually showing.

    What I find so enthralling and terrorizing is that the imprint of abuse will show itself, until you process the abuse, without fail.  It will replicate itself verbatim to mimic the actual act.  Its feelings and depiction will not disappoint…unbeknownst to you, you will be an actor playing out your abuse time and time again, until you see that which is wrong. 

    What is so maddening is that you are the actor and the play and within it you have to find out what is not right.

     What many fail to recognize is that when you are abused when you are young and you go untreated, no one steps in to tell us what is right and what is wrong.

    So, when we step out into the world as young adults we seek love with the same definitions.  

     As a child whose father abused her, I believed that to be loving was to be a victim.  I felt comfortable or at home with a religion that didn't allow for free expression.

    I felt at home and at ease with a man who made all the decisions.  I wasn't shown how to be a strong individual….I was shown how to serve other people's needs first and always.  I became invisible in relationships.  I served to be loved.  If I didn't do something for you, then I wasn't being kind and loving.  I was not able to say no.

    No meant that I was unlovable.

     Looking at my life, I kept replicating that which I didn't know.  Victim. Powerless. Doing things I didn't want to do to be liked by powerful people.

     I would put myself into situations that would reflect my abuse to me.  Time and Time again, I would find myself in relationships where I was unseen…and I felt that the more I did, the more I would be seen…and the opposite would happen. The more I did, the less I was seen.  I would disappear…for I was taking care of others needs and never my own.  I disappeared to me.

     The church itself is red flag waving…or should I say a beacon for victims.  A home to feel powerless in. 

     The FALC owned my whole body and life. Just as my parents did.  The church owned my hair, I couldn't color it.  The church owned my fingernails…I couldn't paint them.

    The church owned my body; I couldn't have birth control. It would decide my life for me.  Sounds like power and control to me….which is abuse.

     What I didn't know, is that being comfortable in that church that had power over me, was replicating abuse.  I was comfortable without power.

     When I discovered that the church had blessed the man who abused me….I knew I was completely wrong about what I felt were high morals and values…inside its doctrine.  It was then that the comfortable became terrorizing.  

     Being unable to show my feelings of terror as a child, I then acted comfortable being powerless.  This definition showed itself repeatedly in my life.

    Until I was able to see that which I called comfortable was actually abuse.

     It would have been too much for a child to understand that her father was a monster and her mother didn't see that and the church blessed the monster….and that no one seen her.  So, I created a story of comfort in my mind.  And then, as I stepped out in the world I didn't remember that the files were wrong….until my whole file cabinet shattered in 2004.  My niece said out loud…"Grandpa touched me….molested me".  My comfortable spot became unbearable.

     What I had thought, was that everyone would be flipped around, when I was…but now I realize, that they were able to keep their comfortable files upright…and not see what I saw.  Yet, what I now see…is their lives replicating our childhood home.  A play without end it seems.

     The original play may have slowed or stopped, but their lives are reenacting it today.

    Some will reenact the play and play the powerful…others the powerless.

    But, it is depicted completely accurate.

     What I love about this, is that no one escapes or can deny it, for the subconsciousness is out in full display.

    What they feel is secret is in full living color…replaying, replaying, replaying.

     The frustrating part is that they can't see which they couldn't bear to see as a child…so, they love the uncomfortable and steer clear of kindness.  

    I have heard stories of how awful their childhoods are, and then seen the loyalty of their abusers.

     Abuse that happens when it is with someone you love and care about, is that it leaves you upside down in the world.

    Instead of seeing the abusive behaviors in that person, you label them love and caring.

    You can't even see this inside your head and body, but yet your life is replicating it.

     We keep looking for the answers while living the answers.

     It is hard to get ahead of your life or sit in the seat above it.  It takes separation.  It takes picking apart the scenes and really looking at what is going on.

    Who holds the comfortable card and what their truth is….and then who is holding the uncomfortable card and what is there true history.

    It is to become a sleuth in your own life…with careless abandon.  You have to be willing to see what you thought was true become falsehood.

     To feel terror of the abuse you were too young to feel.

     The caring Universe is painstakingly replicating abuse so that you can express and release the emotions that are held inside.

    And, so you can be free from the abuse and be a powerful loving being.

    What I also find so intriguing and completely engaging is that when a child keeps their abuse a secret.  The secret will show itself.  It can't remain a secret. For, the markers of abuse will shine forth in their lives by the choices they make.  It will be impossible for them to hide this secret. 

    Their actions alone will put the secret in full display.

    Parents who are willing to see their actions as red flags will be able to help their children.  Parents who want the abuse to be covered up, will turn their heads away or blame those actions upon the child.  Like the child is making bad choices. When in fact, their abuse is actually showing.

     

  • My Truth was Welcomed In.

    As I sit back and ponder my Keynote at Dial Help's Gala, I recall telling Tom Rosemurgy, that I always felt safer when he was there.  It even struck me as odd, for I was mingling and thoroughly enjoying myself, so where did the "unsafe" feeling come from.

    It occurred to me while taking my sheets off the line, that what he does is he upholds my truth with me.  He carries it, he believes me.  He, the Law Man.

    I felt so safe with Tom and the Dial Help girls and even with the Audience.  Safe meaning my truth about my history was honored.

    When I feel that with these kind folks, it makes me understand what "hostile" means.

    It means NOT believing in me…

    I know that some of my family reads this blog, and they would dispute my claims, that they don't believe me…or my story.  For they would say they do.

    Yet the sole reason, I physically as well as emotionally have put distance between us IS their reaction to my truth.

    While they were retaining a family, I was tearing it down exposing the abuse.

    This is the parting of ways.

    Their focus is and has been on keeping the family unit.  Which then leaves me standing there with my abuse showing and them paying more attention to keeping a family, than looking at how it affected me.

    What I felt on August 9th, as I moved around the atrium with My Lady quilts fully displayed, were folks who seen me.

    Their first agenda or words to me were not why I wasn't with my parents etc.

    They were extremely attentive to the journey an abused person travels in order to regain their power.

    My speech will not win ribbons, but what I love, Love, LOVE is that I did it.

    I stood up and gave it my best first shot.

    Against the family grain, I did what they don't want me to do.  Focus on Abuse and speak of estrangement.

    I am not even certain, they realize that I am estranged…due to their lack of being with my truth and not with the family.  I have felt that they hold me entirely responsible for my poor choice of keeping away from family members, functions and exiting relationships.

    How many folks would stay with someone who required you to keep your truth away.

    I just read today in a book titled, "A Shining Affliction- A story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy" by Annie Rogers….

    "I feel we're not talking about me – as I know myself."  She does not respond.  I go on. "When I say something really important to me, it doesn't seem to matter to you."  As I speak, her face is closed.  My words go out into the air and dissolve, as if I've said nothing – or worse, they hang in the room as if I've said the wrong thing.  I keep trying, as if I can find something that will interest Melanie and compel a response.  Then I give up, and we sit in silence again."  

     This is fairly close to the reaction my family has given me…What a great paragraph to depict why we feel the hostility.  There is no welcoming of our truths.

    Here is a picture of Tom…that I love.  He never, not ever, closed his face and let my truth hang in the room as if I had said something wrong. He is a gift to all victims who find the courage to speak up.  And he passed me on to An-Gel, who also accepted me completely.  The ease we have with each other is priceless.  They help carry my truth.  

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    And here is one of my new friend Barbara Rose. We felt an immediate connection.  I feel humble by her hearing me.  Sitting with my buddy Kirsten Menigoz, who when we met felt a strong immediate comfortableness…old souls reunited.   

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    Imagine what a fine reception for my truth!  A beautiful venue…and even Live music of Melissa Davis.

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    Thanks Melissa…it added a wonderful lively touch.

    Here I am in my speech talking about loving my lady, even without hair and standing like this.

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    I love my open stance, strong and sure.

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    And I love this one of the three of us. These two ladies are working hard to help victims…and I have now joined their team.  

    It certainly was a night to remember…a place that honored my truth….stood in reverence of my quilts…I was completely at home there, for my truth was welcomed in.

    Thanks to all the Dial Help Team, Tom and the community!  I am humbled by it all. 

  • The Final Straw

    As reality is working to right itself at Penn State, it offers a wealth of conversation about what serves the victims and then what serves those who are standing on the side of abuse; even in knowing silences.

    You will not satisfy both sides.  

    As a victim who has known the 'other side' of these men in high places, it does wonders to see them put into reality.  Not lower than they should be, just where they ought to be.

    We don't want fantascies, but we do want reality.

    It is a secondary pain to have an abuser held up to high esteem or to be put at the head of the table. It messes with our psyche, to have such extreme opposites exist.

    And when folks who are not abusing, but in friendships or looking toward the abusers or those who know and do nothing as if they are normal or even a pillar in society, we begin to doubt our own minds.

    Seeing reality focusing into place that matches our experiences, corrects our minds and settles our psyche.

    It matters greatly, no matter how many years later, to have these corrections made.

    It isn't so much justice, but reality righting itself.

    What I believe causes the most stress and anxiety after abuse, is the way 'normal' folks react to our abuser.  We feel we are insane, when no one treats him any differently.  He gets treated normal or even higher than normal, while we are left knowing a truth that no one appears to see. And eventually, we too begin to believe how others act over our own knowing and truth.

    Reality is much easier to navigate if all people see and respond to abuse the same, but this will not happen. For many want to preserve a reality, prior to abuse or knowing of abuse, so silence ensues.  If no one acts like abuse exists, perhaps it will fade away.

    Penn State offers to us, what happens when many are silent. AND, what happens when many speak up.  

    The boys who spoke up, are the heroes and they are served each time a person who knew and did nothing leaves.

    It shows it was wrong.  Wrong is what we want to hear, for it matches with our reality.

    I am hopeful that one day the FALC will have its day in the sun, where the eyes of the world will see what lies there and it will match my eyes.  Where the pillars will fall.  All it takes is for the abused to speak up.  One at a time.  Each voice is a nudge that will push the top down.

    Speaking up is power for the victims and will leave the abusers powerless.  You never know if it is your story, that is the final straw.  

  • Take Down Their Hero Signs.

    A link I posted on Facebook said, "The Paterno family issued a statement only hours later saying the statue's removal "does not serve the victims of Jerry Sandusky's horrible crimes or help heal the Penn State community."

    And they are wrong.

    It does serve many victims of sexual abuse crimes.

    It serves us completely.

    Perhaps it doesn't serve the family and loved ones who want him to keep his hero status, to keep his legendary life of football unscathed…or tainted, but it indeed does help us. As he grows darker, the victims grow lighter.

    It does serve us to see the truth flipping their reality around, just as the reality of the boys was flipped in abuse while under his watch.

    It is helpful seeing that those who know and do nothing are also seen as Not Heroes and If they had a statue stating so, It can and will be removed.  Their status in society is now seen as less than normal.

    Lowering the statue, raises the esteem of victims everywhere.

    We can't undo their silence, but we can take down their hero signs.


  • Silently Supporting My Abuser.

    Having lived behind the scenes of a CSC case, and only as a second party or perhaps a third…I know that what you read in the paper is the tip of the iceburg, that for one person speaking out, there are much more being silent.  

    I know that the courts and lawyers have their own agendas, and will work each case to their benefit, heedless to the outcome and what message it sends, and to whom…however, the rest of us too, work each case to either further our cause or to run from our truth by remaining silent.

    Each of us sits with a vantage point, and what we do with it, will move our lives or our lives will be used.

    When you silently disagree, you are not standing in opposition, but actually with. You are consenting by passive actions.

    This passivity is a worker for crime.  It is a helper for the perpetrators…and it sends a signal to the victim, whose side you are on.

    If, we are expecting victims to come forth and use their voice, give up the names of their abusers, we as witnesses to their courage, have to be willing to do the same.

    What I recall most, what sticks out like a silent scream, is the silence.  The utter and complete silence I had when standing up against my family.  

    You receive no cards, saying "congratulations" for turning in a criminal…for lending your voice and your story to help build a case.  Nothing.  No response.

    The aloneness seems to permeate this walk…

    The voices you do hear are the ones wanting you to be silent.

    It is my intention to make some noise, to lend my voice and my journey to be supportive when others make this walk.

    Eventually, I did begin to pick up cheerleaders…and each one was the wind beneath my wings.  I would have done it regardless, but it sure helped knowing someone out there wasn't silently supporting my abuser.



  • A bit over nothing.

    On the front page of the paper yesterday is another CSC (Criminal Sexual Assualt) sentencing, a reduced charge and I wonder what is going on behind the scenes.

    The story kept coming back to me…and many thoughts came to mind.

    First of all, I am happy to see he was caught at 25, sad that he only got one year for having intercourse with a child 15 to 20 times.  It is insane…how there is not an outcry on the courthouse steps is beyond what a mind can hold.  Yet this child who spoke up, even if it was years later, still has labeled this man, so others can be aware.

    What this shows is how upside down our justice system is that he can plea bargain his way down to one year, with time served…about 100 days left on his sentence…for multiple rapes of a CHILD.

    How, How, How did we as a society get here?

    What most fail to recognize is what signals this sends out to other victims, that your rape, molestation isn't 'bad' enough…that you go through the whole trial and end up with a 100 day sentence.

    What I would like the victims to know though, it is not for naught.

    You are shedding light upon a very sick person. You have warned others.  You have found your voice.  You can now begin to upright your world, even if the world at large is upside down.

    I have a mind to write a letter to the paper…to congratulate this child.  To show there is someone in society that feels that even if justice wasn't served, she did her part.

    Her part isn't in question or should not be.  It is the folks in the courts who play with her history…her truth. Turning it around until it has a sentence attached to it that the defense can live with.

    If, we started actually trying these guys on the actual act, and holding them accountable and then having them serve the correct jail time, I wonder if the numbers of child abuse would fall?

    What we also all have to keep in mind, EVEN IF, the courts reduce the crime today, it Doesn't change how it originally happened. It doesn't make the intercourse a fondle or a touch.  It doesn't reduce the number of times he raped her.  Nothing changes, but the words on the paper.

    We once again, have to keep with reality and in doing so, will support the child.

    I don't know this girl, but wish her strength, and courage as she walks away from this trial.  She did her best…and the rest did a bit over nothing.

  • Speaking Up.

    What hope the Sandusky's conviction has for victims of childhood sexual abuse. It shows that there is no organization that is too big to hide a pedophile, that eventually it will come out in the wash. Imagine 48 counts…and 45 guilty verdicts.  

    This gives me great hope for the children in the FALC.  That one day their sexual abusers will have the light of the world shining upon them.  All it takes is for one to step forth, it lends courage for others to join, there truly is strength in numbers.  

    I can't imagine sitting in that jury box hearing story upon story…some boys were abused 100 times.  

    What makes this trial even more significant, is that it is boys. The courage it takes to be a man and speak of acts done to you as a child is extremely hard, let alone against an organization that is male dominated…a football team.  They are heros that came forth and use their lives to stop this man…

    It just fills me with hope that there are no organizations out there who are immune.

    Of course the organization that I want to see investigated is the church.  To have children of the church line up and speak their truth…no matter what age they are now, it will change the tide for the next generations.

    One voice starts the conversation…opens the door for others to walk through.

    Tom Rosemurgy or Dial Help will listen and hear your truth.

    It matters not how long ago, it matters that the silence is broken.  Someone has to be first.  

    Silence just builds a longer lineup of victims.

    Let your voice be the first. Dare to step forth and tell someone.  Dare to move where in the past you didn't.  It doesn't matter when you moved, but that you moved.  You didn't stay frozen forever, you will begin to take your life back from abuse when you tell someone.

    The fear is that telling nothing will happen and no one will believe.

    In your silence you can bet that nothing will change. You can't know what the road will look like, when you speak. 

    It will set you free…you will no longer be frozen in the land of silence and fear.

    You will activate your choices when you tell.

    You will stop being a victim when you speak. 

    Being a victim is a person without a choice.

    The perpetrators want you to remain silent and frozen…it allows them to continue to lure and play sexual games with children.

    When you can activate yourself out of the frozen fear, children will have a chance.

    It is like an insane game that we use to do in childhood, where if you were tagged by one team, you would have to freeze.

    The pedophile is in power if you freeze and for as long as you freeze.  When you are able to move and go against His/Her wishes, you are no longer under his spell, his control, and power.  You literally get your power back when you can tell someone.

    No matter the outcome, being unfrozen will start the process of going from victim to survivor and hero.

    It is my greatest hope that this Sandusky trial will move others, that it shows the impossible is now possible.

    Make a move, write an email, make a call, a little child who is next in line…will notice.  Their lives will be affected by your call.  It is never too late to be a hero in a child's life, especially if that child is you.  The child within you needs you to say your truth.

    Say what you need to say…Tom will listen.  Even if you are shaking in fear…being fearless, is to feel the fear and terror, but do it anyway.

    Trembling and fear, is showing you that it is true…your truth wants to come out. Let the courage of the men at Penn State fuel you…and know that one call can start a ball rolling in a new direction.

    For years Sandusky had his way with boys….and now it is completely in a new direction.  He no longer is in power.  He wouldn't stop on his own.  Someone has to be brave enough to speak to get the abuse to stop.  Let it be you…and others will join your chorus.

    In my nieces case, she spoke up and 9 other girls followed.  Unlike Sandusky, the prosecutor didn't put us on the stand, didn't  try my father on 10 cases, but only one. It is the act of a poor prosecutor, ironically or not, a member of the FALC.  And no matter how the trial ended, the fact that we were innocent, when he was shown as a pedophile.

    I am hopeful that this will trend, that more adult children will finally have their say…breaking the silence is the only way this will stop.

    Break the silence and change the game for the pedophiles…your voice will start the process to freeze them out of the lives of children.  They need to be stopped, and the only way is for the adult children of abuse to start speaking.  Put your past to rest by speaking up.



  • The Unofficial First Member

    I am part of a group of women who are in the incubation stages of forming a place where women can meet and share their journeys.  While its focus or its intentions is to help women travel their personal journey after abuse, it truly can be for any women who has something to share or needs a hearing ear and a helping hand.

    Sometimes groups tend to be 'victim' groups, but I know that while I was part of a quilter's group, I found it helpful to see role models that encouraged me to find a voice and to utilize a wider variety of choices.

    I see this women's group as being a two way street, where all are welcome…the abused and those who mentor us out of the darkness, we will teach each other the contrasts of life's journey.

    I am in the group as a free spirit, not connected or affiliated with a group or agency, perhaps, unbeknownst to me….the first official member.  For, behind my name is the experience of being abused, of living 40 years in denial…being without access to my personal voice, feelings or choices in my own life.  A victim without knowing it.

    I want to walk with others who are walking behind me.  I hope my experiences will offer hope.  

    The other women in the group are different than, and yet they too are traveling their own personal journey as well as being in the profession of victim services.  They have a wider view than I, and are seeing the victims from the outside.  My view is inside out.

    Together the combinations so far, are very different and extremely helpful, like many points of light…a lighthouse for women; we can see each situation from muliple views.

    All women are welcome, for we need good role models and mentors as well as creative artful women, and those in need.  We need victims in various stages on the journey of abuse, who can utilize and grow in our midst.  A community of ladies, each bringing their unique journey to teach us about their path.

    I want this group to be a place where all truths are honored.  

    Where it is a must to just be you.

    We accept only originals.

    I am excited that the seeds are planted….the beginning as begun.  I do love that I am the first member…or at least I see me as such.  For now, "The unoffical first member."

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    Ladies on a Journey!                                               photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Arrived at a New Place

    Well, the day finally arrived. With some trepidation or perhaps curosity in how it would all go, I walked into the Sweet Water Cafe, with a carpet roll of quilts.

    A group of Weavers, were in the process of taking their work down. It reminded me of setting up a craft show.  You arrive with your things, and are given a space and you just work with what you got. 

    The owner of the cafe was so excited with my art, which immediately set me at ease.  

    She was very decisive and knew her space and where she wanted each piece. And she knew her hanging system, which isn't the best, but works. She said that a few folks over her 19 years of having revolving art shows, have made comments to improve her system. Her response, "With great Art, you don't notice," and she said to me, "All they will see is your art."

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    Here is a space near the cash register – Before

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    And with my art.  Her favorite was the Lady in the Hammock.  She said, "I want to be her, I want to be there."  

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    This is overlooking the back, as you walk in the door and that is Ursula. Sorry for my lighting, but you get the idea.  On the left near the windows, three more will hang.

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     This is also near the cash register…my colors seemed to work with her space.

    She had a meeting, and so I left before it was totally done.  In fact, only 6 pieces were up. So who knows how the finished Cafe looked when it was all said and done. But, I took pictures of the before….you can see what the space looks like empty.

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    This wall can hold very large pieces…and I would have my own dowel on them when I dropped them off.  It would speed up the hanging process.  She picked three Lady quilts that will hang on this wall.  And the opposite side, near the windows, will have more…Just hanging them on the backs of the booths, brightened up the place.

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     I was happy to get the "before" shots, and it is best that I wasn't able to get the final After, for that you have to stop in at the Sweet Water Cafe.

    As I was leaving, I reached out my hand in thanks…Ursula says, "I feel I need to give you a hug, for you are leaving part of your self here." And so we did.  I felt good leaving my Lady there. (And she gave me a loaf of their bread…it is delicious)

    It was a very positive experience.  And I love that my Art is now out of the dark basement and being appreciated by others…creating a welcoming atmosphere while they dine.  

    My Art and I…what a journey.  We both have arrived at a new place.