I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Seven days into the reconstruction of a stronger healthier me!

    As emotion poured out of me, and down my cheeks and into my ears, with knee quivering, hands softly rubbing my body, I lay there and listened to foreign words, being sung by a kind man, Bikram. 

     

    He is very tough and demands lots from me in each pose, as he twists and wrings my muscles, or points out my weakness as my knees wobble striving for balance, he requires 110% always.

     

    I am happy he set the bar high, that he won’t allow less than my utmost best.

     

    In the past I felt that those who loved you should give you slack, what I now know is that those who love you the most demand the most from you, never letting you slip into a lesser version of your self.

     

    As he ends the floor exercises, he comments, “one of these days, you will know what this yoga is all about, this yoga makes you you.”

     

    He also says, “no one on this earth knows the purpose of your birth.” 

     

    I hear him saying we are free to be who we are meant to be, that others don’t know what our inner desires and needs are, and we may not, for I for one served so many, but never myself. 

     

    I feel such gratitude that this yoga will return this body to me, and give me the strength and courage to be more and more myself. 

     

    Thank you all my yoga buddies for walking with me, for it brings me great peace knowing you are all there.  Each of us will be much stronger and more ourselves by the end of the 60 days.

     

    Seven days into the reconstruction of a stronger healthier me!

     

  • A Soul Full Body.

    I am reading a book called “Reinventing the Body, resurrecting the Soul, by Deepak Chopra.

     

    I gulp it down and then go back and read it again, for what he is saying is so very interesting.

     

    He was speaking of the different Ego Agendas, there were many, and I had flavors of a few, here is one.

     

    Criticism and perfectionism constitute another variation on attacking before someone else attacks you.  In this case, the critic fears being seen as imperfect.  There’s an underlying sense of being wrong or defective. The sense of being never good enough is projected outward: “nothing can be right with you if I’m not right.”  When our ego adopts this agenda, it thinks it’s protecting us from anxiety and humiliation. Perfectionists hold up impossible standards so that nothing can ever be good enough, thereby proving that they are right to feel that they can never be good enough.  There’s obviously an element of anger here as well, since the critic and perfectionist are attacking their victims, much as they always protest that “it isn’t personal.” It’s always personal…..to them.

     

    He goes on after listing all the agendas, “To expand in awareness, you must see past these ego agendas and learn to be honest about your motivations.  There’s a sort of negotiation constantly going on between your ego and your body. When you become aware of what your body is trying to tell you, then your ego can’t keep reinforcing its agenda.  You have physical proof that you are blocking the flow of experience, which should be easy, carefree, and spontaneous.  So when you see yourself falling back on fixed ego strategy, see it for what it is, and stop.  You must catch yourself at the very moment you begin to act self-important, dependent, or overbearing.  Your ego will kick into a prearranged behavior automatically; like muscles, behaviors have memory.  Once you trigger them – even slightly- they jump into action.

     

    Simply by being aware, you can check on your body.  There will always be signs of an underlying emotion.  Feel that emotion; be with it.  Contact allows the physical sensation to dissipate naturally; your discomfort lessens as your body lets go of distorted or stuck energies that you have been holding on to.  Only in this way can you melt away your defenses.  Unless you are aware, change is impossible.  But when you bring awareness to your body, you can start becoming undefended.  Reality starts to be more acceptable as it is, not as you try to force it to be.

     

    Congratulate yourself for being willing to change.  Awareness is capable of overcoming the most restricted boundaries; because every boundary is made of nothing but awareness that has decided to contract instead of expand.  Also, appreciate your body for its honesty.  It has been letting your soul shine through when your mind refused to.  You are making a connection to your body, and each connection, however small, brings you closer to your soul as the level of life where you can reside permanently and with total ease.” Deepak

     

    “…appreciate your body for its honesty.  It has been letting your soul shine through when your mind refused to.”

     

    What I love the most about this body is its honesty. 

     

    The body is only a reflection on what we put our awareness on.  The ego’s agenda or the souls, pick one.

     

    I love the ‘pick one’; it makes it so much easier.

    I pick soul. 

     

    I love how only the soul gets to speak using the body.

     

    My soul always shined through; first it shown with pain and fear, then with joy, love and peace. 

     

    I know that it is capable of shining the worst darkness and the greatest Light.  How incredibly awesome a soul full body!

     

  • I took the first 90 minutes! (day 6)

    It is day six and I once again I pushed this body out of bed, put on my yoga clothes and began.  There were no aches and pains as I began.

     

    I had slept much better last night, so I felt awake and aware, but yet my mind kept wandering, like it wasn’t interested in yoga, and it led me everywhere.

     

    Everywhere but doing yoga!

     

    There I was in the middle of a pose, and not paying attention.  It was funny in a not so funny way.

     

    I remember when I first did this yoga many years ago; I would close my eyes in the floor postures just to stay focused on the yoga and my body.  And I had to have the volume up high to drowned out my thoughts. 

     

    So, today I did both.  I am sure Bikram would not approve, but I had a blind friend who did this yoga, and so I thought, what is the difference if I close my eyes.

     

    Everyday there seems to be a new ‘enemy’ or thing that wants to get ahead of the intention of doing yoga.

     

    As I lay on the floor with the yoga completed, I felt like I had stolen something from the nagging laziness.  That I had gotten ahead of the day even and took my piece first, before it could overwhelm me with all its needs.

     

    One of my yoga buddies talked about carving out a piece of her day for yoga, to make the time.  What I am thinking is all we have to do is steal it ahead of time.

     

    To jump in before the day gets busy and life pulls us on, to wake before the day awakes. 

     

    When I can begin moving before my old habits stumble awake, before they are even aware, I am in my yoga clothes standing on the mat.

     

    Today they tried to play with me while in yoga, but I was just as determined to do whatever it took to stay with the yoga, with eyes closed and Bikram speaking loudly in my ears, I took the first 90 minutes!

     

     

     

     

     

  • Tug-O-War Yoga! (day five)

    Woke up not as enthused today, but continued down the steps, hoping my attitude would change sometime during the next 90 minutes.

     

    My night was broken up with kids going to bed at all hours, and for some reason I didn’t stay unconscious of the activities of the house, so I woke up feeling tired in body. 

     

    I work today tossing mail, so I was determined to get a good nights rest, so I could bounce up to do yoga and off to work.

     

    It seems the more I focused on resting the less rest I got! 

     

    It wasn’t a bad yoga session, I just wasn’t fully into it, but instead just accepted the next position he put me in.

     

    I lost track of what pose we were on and even if it was the first or second set.  Confusion doing yoga it seemed.

     

    My balance was off on the one-leg postures, and I gave 100%, but didn’t push that extra 10% he wants.

     

    I think if I would have tried the extra 10, I would have just sat and given up totally or cried.  It seemed like 100 was all I had to give.

     

    It was a struggle just to be doing the yoga itself; I wasn’t capable of adding the extra push, for it was a push just to be doing yoga.  My usual interest to see where my body was, or how much has improved was nowhere to be found.

     

    I was just a tired lady trying to maintain day five.

     

    When it was all over, I felt great relief and actual success in having done it when my body was very reluctant and my spirit in acceptance mode.

     

    The only part of me that wanted to do yoga was the inner desire to be healthy, and it seemed I fought the body and energy to do get through each pose.

     

    Tug-O-War Yoga!

     

  • I did it my Self….(day four)

    Today before my mind could even grab onto a different plan, I was standing in the basement, putting in the CD.

     

    I wasn’t as sore, but still a tad tender in my back and rib area, but way ahead of the past three days. 

     

    My brother told me I wasn't supposed to be sitting on my feet, but they were to be off to the side, and my bottom in the air descending slowly, so today I did that.  I have only a few inches to hit the floor.  Progress!

     

    It really does pay to keep doing this every day.

     

    What I think we all need to do when we begin something new is to be okay learning, being awkward and out of our depths.  To relax in the newness to this yoga, chuckle even at how far we are from where we need to be.

     

    On a scale of one to ten, I thought I was about a 2 or 3 in most poses, but I think after watching myself in the mirror, I would rate myself closer to 5, about half way there.  It feels good to know how far I have come, by doing this on and off for many years.

     

    Imagine how far I will leap ahead, If I can make it downstairs each day, and give 110% to each pose, and allow my body to feel pain and discomfort for 90 minutes and for 60 days straight!

     

    I will be in territories I have never been before. 

    Amazing!

    And I can say, I did it my self!

     

     

     

     

  • Success in each pose……..day three.

    “Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.”

              Henri Fredric Amiel 

     

    I am excited to have completed day three, and thrilled to have witnessed slight changes in my body.  Okay, they were teeny tiny and most likely not able to be seen with the naked eye, but I truly felt them inside.

     

    My bottom is actually touching my heels in Fixed Firm and will soon allow me to go back and lay upon the floor in a full stretch out.  I am a little nervous to get into that position again, but willing to try.

     

    My back remains really stiff and unbending, but I felt I could reach just a bit further, although my nose is quite a distance from my knee in many poses. 

     

    The bunched up knotted muscles of my shoulders were so happy to be in Eagle.  It almost brings tears to my eyes to feel the pulling apart of the bundles.

     

    I wasn't as sore before the yoga, but I still have places where there is a definite tenderness.

     

    I will hold today’s advances as markers of success! 

     

    If you are doing yoga today, I hope you too find little pieces of success in each pose!

  • Will I love it enough to continue forward…..(day two)

    This morning an older lady stiffly made her way to her basement, rolled out the yoga mat and put the CD going. 

     

    Her mind began the dreaded words, “you will never make it 60 days, this doesn’t feel good, what have you promised so many?”

     

    I then began the yoga and let the worries of whether I can complete the next 58 days go.

     

    My sore muscles were not comfortable in many poses, but I noticed by the second set they were less sore.

     

    I am thinking that in all of life we tend to push back and away from pain and discomfort instead of understanding the source. 

     

    The long months of neglect to this body are the source of the pain, not the yoga. 

     

    The yoga gets the blame when it is really the one who is here to fix and repair.

     

    If I can just remember that by stopping the yoga I am actually supporting the neglect of this body, it may help keep my momentum going. 

     

    Creating new habits and ways of living, feel awkward and difficult, it would be much easier to just walk back to the old routine.

     

    As I moved through the 90 minutes, I focused more on each pose, each screaming muscle and concentrated on bringing in healing breaths.

     

    Little gulps of sadness seemed to be with the sore muscles; emotion seemed to pass by as each new breath came in.

     

    It is very enlightening how much my body has gone unnoticed, and lived without me paying attention to its needs.

     

    The body is innocent, it simply follows our lead, if we lead it to disuse, abuse, laziness, we can hardly blame it for reflecting our actions!

     

    Just as much as our body is a reflection of past behaviors, we can change this by bringing it to yoga each day, and little by little turn this all around.

     

    I felt sad in the state it was in, but hopeful that change was at hand, and frightened that perhaps I will once again turn from it in neglectful abuse.

     

    It is scary it is all up to me, no one is coming along to bring health to this body, only me.  A daunting thought.  Will I love it enough to continue forward…

     

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  • Day One.

    I began the yoga tentatively eager to see just where my body was, or how far back it had fallen due to the lack of yoga in the past 6 months.

     

    In the first pose, Half Moon, my arms went numb quickly and it was all I could do to keep them above my head.  This is good news, for I kept saying that my shoulders were tensed up, the yoga echoed the truth.

     

    I surprised myself with being able to lock my knee and stay balanced for the length of the pose, but the limberness of completing the pose is not there.  It will be fun to see how this improves daily.

     

    Beginning the yoga this time I felt like an adult.  I was patient with my body, and didn’t expect it to do things it couldn’t do, and I was kind.

     

    My focus was on how it felt not how it looked.

     

    Maybe it is knowing I have 60 times to do this, that I don’t have to make all the improvements and changes in one session, I was more relaxed.

     

    I noticed that my forehead did not come close to touching my knee on the “Head to Knee” pose, but there was no dizziness at all in the Triangle.

     

    The Fixed Firm pose seemed to lose the most ground, for my bottom did not sit on my feet, close but a ways too go.  I just sat there, feeling the painful hip, knee and ankles in their stiffness, with no attempt to go backwards, I simply wasn’t ready yet.

     

    When I was asked to stretch in the separate leg, my finger tips touched my toes the first set, but were able to actually grab the toes the second. My back felt so good to be stretched and my legs now feel relaxed as I sit here.

     

    All in all I am very pleased with how the yoga felt to my body and how I kindly applied it.

     

    My focus was to keep my breath going first and foremost, and then to hold myself as deep as I could go in each pose. 

     

    I like the term applying yoga to my body, it is my intention to apply it each day for 60 days, and it felt soooo good.

     

    “The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal.  The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.”

               Benjamin Mays

     

  • It is the ultimate race between Ego and Soul.

     

    “If I listened to my mind…” is a sentence in my brother’s blog www.messyguru.typepad.com and it suggests that sometimes our greatest challenge is in our minds.

     

    It seems that before we even begin to begin, our mind shows us all the ways we can fail, and even how it may be best to ‘not even try’.

     

    The mind often times isn’t our best friend, but instead the ‘thing’ that keeps us from growing, healing and expanding our life experiences.

     

    Looking back, as my brother did, over the past years and in all the places that fear wanted to root itself, but I didn’t allow it, are my most proud accomplishments.

     

    Tomorrow is the first day of our challenge, and the greatest challenge for me is to still the mind and its list of things or reasons as to why I ‘can’t’ do the yoga.

     

    If we can set our minds to it, or tell our minds that this is what we are going to do each day, then perhaps our minds will be rendered silent.

     

    What actually is the purpose of this yoga is to wrestle the mind for this moment of time.  To bring the mind back to the body for 20 seconds, the length of time each pose is.

     

    The mind is like a restless 2-yr old, loves to do what ever it wants, hates to be told what to do and when!

     

    We may be lulled by the mind to thinking the yoga is hard, but what will be harder is to convince the mind, this is what we are going to do each day.

     

    As you lay in bed each day, watch and see what the mind comes up with, the reasons for not doing yoga, rarely do you hear it urging you on, for mostly it is holding you back.

     

    My brother listed all the things he accomplished last year, because he didn’t listen to his mind and all the fears it presented.

     

    I am thinking if you are aware that the mind wants you to fail, it will be easier to overcome its flimsy excuses, of how hard it will be.  Yoga is the minds worst enemy. 

     

    What I know for sure is that the mind can and will try to steal your peace, your wholeness and for sure doesn’t want you to be ahead of it.

     

    What I mostly did was drag my reluctant mind along, until it fell into line behind me. 

     

    When you contemplate whether to do yoga or not, just so you know, the Mind wins each time you don’t do it, and the body and soul loses. 

     

    It is the ultimate race between Ego and Soul.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • A Perfect You.

    “No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth.”

               Martha Beck

     

    To sit in the middle of truth and go with the flow of it, although difficult and painful, is so much easier and better on your body and soul than trying to fight it.

     

    You suffer no matter what, but I would much rather suffer in the truth than to suffer pretending it isn’t happening!

     

    My brother’s yoga teacher said to them yesterday, “Let Go of the Suffering (and go with the flow)”

     

    The flow is as it is; you are where you are, and not a moment sooner or later.

     

    As we begin the 60-day yoga challenge, don’t try and bring your body where it is not ready to go, face each posture with your level of limberness and strength, be okay right where you are and have patience with your body and little by little it will bring you further into the posture.

     

    Don’t suffer wishing you were further, don’t hurt your body trying to bend push and stretch it beyond its comfort.  Remember to breathe in each pose, if you lose the breath, you maybe reaching out too far.

     

    We will build upon the foundation of where you are today, to learn how to stand and lock your knees like a solid lamppost unbroken.

     

    If you try and skip the locked knee, your pose will be shaky and unsteady or reliable.

     

    There are so many metaphors between this yoga and life, slow down and focus on you.

     

    You will watch your body change and strengthen, balance and become limber, flowering into a perfect you.