I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Top 57

    Year 57 was a good year for me.  I became more active and with that, more adventures came!  Here are just a few highlights of a very full year!  How lucky am I?

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    I have had so much fun!  And, met new challenges with success! 10 mile over Brockway Mountain!!

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    The year "Pop Up Art shows was born!  What fun was this???

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    I love that each show had viewers that were delighted!

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    And, I bought a bike.  I love how it makes my body feel and I love the cool biking leggings!  I put on 450 miles this summer.

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    So many hikes with wonderful women!  I loved each of them and hope for many more this year!!  Hiking boots are getting well worn in!

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    And, riding topless in the jeep!  I will have to find a hat for topless riding!

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    And I LOVE biking in a group!  I will have to find more biking adventures!

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    Oh, and doing the 5K with my granddaughter….and daughters!  We did two of them this year!

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    This one was much colder – but very invigorating on Thanksgiving!

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    And, we took WIND on the road – WIND Goes!  An overnight outing with day hikes in Ontonagon. This will be a repeat! What great trails they have there!   Wonderful time shared with great friends!

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    It amazes me what fun I packed into this year!  I wonder if the more you do, the more adventures you go on, the younger you feel!  

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    And, this winter I am adding skis.  I wonder where they will take me and who I will meet?  Oh, what fun will I have! 
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    Here is to another year!!! I am up for the challenge of having more fun!! 58, will you be able to top 57?  

  • My Self

    "Fear has only two causes: The thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want." Byron Katie

    How intriguing is this thought about fears; your fears.

    What is it that you don't want to lose? 

    Or fear not working out?

    Imagine how our minds play with our lives.

    How can we know that a different choice would not work out, if we haven't ever taken that choice?

    A sister from long past came in. After doing some chatting via message back and forth, it came to me a feeling of 'what's the use' or like I was setting myself up to be hurt again.  I sat with the complexity of our exchanging words and to what end.

    I wasn't in fear…but a self-protecting mode. Is that fear too?

    I was in experience and knowing.

    Do we connect only to disengage again?

    Can I even fully put myself in as innocently as we began in childhood?  Don't I already know who she is and who I am?  

    How something inside of us moves differently.

    This something that repels me… draws her forward.  It is like we are magnetically flipped.

    What draws us forward or pushes us away?

    Is it the fear of losing what we have or not getting what we want?

    The tricky landscape of estrangement leads to encounters of our brokenness.

    How do you know when to engage again?

    To show yourself and your feelings – Here I am.

    Here I am and do we match; are we compatible.

    Is there the possibility for friendship, respect, truthful exchanges. Are our lives heading in the same directions?

    How does the estranged reconnect, and do they?

    I am not sure I have fear; but am unsure if enough has changed to rectify our relationship.

    Something within us has had to have changed. Something has to now be different in order for the estrangement to be flipped.

    I don't really sit here in fear; but in curiosity.

    I am no longer the person I was, who lived in the dysfunctional family.  

    I changed…or did the family.

    I guess we both did.  I fell out of denial and the family went from a safe place to one with a pedophile.

    We each responded differently; I guess with fear as a motive.

    I feared that if I didn't change enough, the cycle would continue in my home.

    Fear was a motivator.  

    I wasn't afraid of losing what I had.  

    I was afraid if I didn't make different choices, I would perpetuate the same in my home.  Pass on to the next generation the legacy of abuse.

    I did have fear that I would not get what I wanted. 

    I wanted a family model that was not harmful to children.

    I was afraid, I couldn't be that.

    I was fearful that my damaged nature would always destroy the self-esteem and self-love my children have.  I have worked on myself to be a damage free zone.

    To be a self contained unit where they didn't need to bolster me, or please me, or care about my feelings. I would take care of that myself.  

    They were free to be as they felt they needed to be.

    I went from judging, controlling, needing, self absorption to the opposite.  I flipped.

    I pulled all that I needed from others and gave it to me.

    I literally had to work against the magnetic pull to go for codependency to self love.

    If I have any fear it is to need, want or desire Something from anyone.

    The fear of using or being used.

    I have heard others say, that when so and so dies, I will then be free.

    Or, when I retire, or when this or this happens. I do not believe that freedom is in the hands of Other.

    I untied myself from every thought of what others needed to be or say or do.

    Allowing them this freedom freed me.

    Freedom truly is nothing left to lose.  

    If I feel attached or caring about a certain outcome, I know I am in their business or I have left my business up to another.

    We are all drawn to the life we live.

    I can't know what draws you, what fears steer you.  

    I can only manage my own inner callings and question deeply my fears.

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    What I had feared to lose in the past, is completely different what I fear to lose today.

    In the past, it was the family.

    In the present, it is my Self.

     

     

     

     

  • Be where your feet are!

    I am not sure if the FALC would consider themselves "Fundamentalist" but the article below certainly helps explain a lot of what I have experienced.  It explains how anyone outside of their religion is wrong.  Period. 

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/11/the-dark-rigidity-of-fundamentalist-rural-america-a-view-from-the-inside/

    Here is a paragraph that explains so much.

    "Religious fundamentalism is what has shaped most of their belief systems. Systems built on a fundamentalist framework are not conducive to introspection, questioning, learning, change. When you have a belief system that is built on fundamentalism, it isn’t open to outside criticism, especially by anyone not a member of your tribe and in a position of power. The problem isn’t “coastal elites don’t understand rural Americans.” The problem is rural America doesn’t understand itself and will NEVER listen to anyone outside their bubble. It doesn’t matter how “understanding” you are, how well you listen, what language you use…if you are viewed as an outsider, your views are automatically discounted. I’ve had hundreds of discussions with rural white Americans and whenever I present them any information that contradicts their entrenched beliefs, no matter how sound, how unquestionable, how obvious, they WILL NOT even entertain the possibility it might be true. Their refusal is a result of the nature of their fundamentalist belief system and the fact I’m the enemy because I’m an educated liberal."

    Trying to get this belief system to hear the outside IS near impossible.  

    While this article may seem a bit "out there" it is completely true in my experience.  The bubble they live in is not conducive to any other perspective etc.

    This writing has affirmed my journey in trying to shed some light on the topic of abuse within the church.  Me, speaking from the outside is immediately doubted.  Not because of what I say, but because of their belief system.  I knew this…and yet have not been able to articulate it as well as this article.  I know it is about politics; but it can be about anything.

    Their minds are not open to anything outside of their circle.

    In one of my latest exchanges on Facebook, my speaking of abuse and those IN the church speaking of abuse are heard completely different.

    My frustrations on this two-sided view point, where I am seen as the devil and the one who wants to take down the church….and the other as kind and wiser, is now more clearly explained.

    I don't know how the church, within its belief system, will be able to Heal victims of abuse and/or get the abusers to turn themselves in. (which was suggested from the pulpit)

    The article suggested  a changing of minds can only happen when it becomes personal.

    Someone else had suggested this to me. That change wasn't going to come from the outside; that it had to start inside of the church.  After this article, I would have to agree.

    The writings on this blog have been for me to understand me; mostly by seeing them, which was where I came from.

    It is so very hard to explain and see clearly the closed mind.  It is a rock wall of insanity; with no cracks to let the light in.

    The beliefs are not founded or based in reality.

    Which makes it harder to argue against.

    You are not matching wits, you are talking to a deaf wall of righteous beliefs – beliefs in a system without checks and balances or even facts or equality or humanity.

    How can you relate or appeal to their senses; when the System cloaks them completely.

    I am the problem.

    Not their closed mind.

    Not their system.

    It is easier to see me as being wrong than their system.

    For they have built their lives, raised their children and passed on the poisonous mind to each new generation.

    What would happen IF they found out they were wrong?

    How much of their world would they lose?

    Would they too, find themselves standing alone outside of their family?

    I may be alone.

    I may be seen as mental.

    Yet I am forever grateful that somehow I fell out of that fundamentalist mind.

    The difference of living in the system of fundamentalist and outside is polar opposites.

    Like breathing or not breathing.

    Love or indifference.

    Freedom and imprisonment.

    Those imprisoned in the system can't even blame their jailers, for it is their own mind.

    The real war will happen in their minds.

    I literally had to write it out on paper how the mind was seeing reality compared to how reality was. 

    I couldn't trust my mind.

    It had been created within the fundamentalist system.  In order to get out of it completely, I had to keep writing and seeing it on paper.

    This may make complete nonsense to many. But, it was to unravel your sense of the world while being that mental mind.

    I have often sat in awe of the journey out of there.

    To awaken to the fact that I had based my life upon a world that didn't exist…a me that wasn't real and it was from there I had to reclaim me.

    Find me.

    It was to wake up in a world that was completely insane and in my case evil.

    The devil and the evils of the world were not 'out there' but in here.

    In my family.

    In the religion.

    In my mind.

    In the bubble of the fundamentalist mind, church and family.

    I have been asking IF I should be trying to go back in to the church and help others in there.  If I am being uncompassionate to concentrate on those who are already out.

    This is another answer from the universe.

    Change will come; when it is personal to them.

    Their journey, will happen like mine did. When you can all of a sudden see, that which you didn't see before.

    What I know for sure, is that the fundamentalist can only see what those in power want them to see; all else is blind to them.

    It will not be IF I can say it correctly or prettier, kinder, with more compassion. It isn't up to me. 

    Something personal or catastrophic will tumble them out.

    I can, without guilt, go and be me.

    Completely free!

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    How difficult it can be, when your feet are not free!

    "Be where your feet are" is freedom to me!  It is more precious because for so many years I didn't live or was aware of where my feet were.  Another quilt that is coming is "LOVE your NoW!"

    Today, "Be where your feet are!"

     

     

     

     

  • I Didn’t Know

    When two sides can't find common ground, how do you find a foothold?  

    How can we hold on to our own values and morals when others believe in the opposite?

    When ignorance isn't so much that they don't know; but it feels they ignore the truth?

    I believe, we all have to rub up against things that insult our values, in order to strengthen what we believe and to find out who we truly are.

    I listened to NPR yesterday and a man suggested that the Norwegian countries were mostly the same and they didn't have as much conflict; there is no one different than them.

    In America, we are the melting pot.  We have the opportunity to experience diversity and learn about other traditions. And, yet sometimes we act like we live in Finland…and we are all the same; that we come from the same paths, traditions, and we look exactly alike.  

    I also believe, instead of trying to change their minds, it is important we continue growing as a person.  To expand and stretch our own concepts of humanity.  To look inwardly and see our own prejudices.  Even to learn how others see you. 

    What is their experience of you, shows you the other side.

    Recently, I was given a view of me that I had not seen or even contemplated.

    That I am an "UnSafe" person.

    I was shocked and I reeled from this truth for a day.  

    Me, a woman who speaks out loud, who breaks the silence of abuse, IS unsafe?  

    How?  

    It has always been my intention to empower women. To give them a voice and a choice.  

    My journey for myself has been to find peace, love and joy.  

    To be more spiritually connected to the spirit of me. To align my feelings, my truth with my voice and my actions. To live a life of authenticity.  How, then can I ever be unsafe?

    How am I hurtful?

    As the conversation continued, I understood completely how this is so….for some.

    My outspoken, breaking the silence of abuse voice, is a sign that IF an abused women is seen with me, she is thinking or seeking to be like me.  I am a threat to her abuser.  And, it places her in more danger to be seen talking to the "likes" of me.

    What I hadn't considered was the consequences for the abused.

    For those un-empowered.

    How even those who are planning on rising up, cannot show their rise of revolt.

    At first, I shed tears for the added pain I caused.  

    I then shed tears for me, for my aloneness, even from woman who like me, have experienced abuse.  I make their lives worse, not better.  I cannot be their friend.

    After a few days of sitting in this new truth of me, I came to believe that I am a threat.

    And, a promise.

    A hope on the horizon.

    That it is possible to leave the ashes of abuse and rise.

    I am a sign.

    While I have been treated like a leper, it wasn't all about Me.

    It was more directed at their own personal landscapes; I was shunned in order for them to save face.

    To keep their worlds spinning with the least amount of damage.

    The absence I have felt, the silent voices not joining me, were at times a very heavy burden to carry.  To stand often as one, against the many. 

    I felt I had to be stronger, just to carry being me.

    And, I was drawn to other strong women.

    Individuals who were often black sheep, badasses, misfits and rebels.

    Women whose lives gave them obstacles to rise against. 

    Strong women are not born; we are made by what we overcome.

    I can stand stronger today, knowing that I am not only a threat to the abusers; but the horizon of hope.  

    How you see me, depends upon where you stand.

    I am willing to stand alone.

    Willing to be shunned.

    In order for women to know it is possible.

    To escape the legacy of abuse.

    To find the You, you were born to be!

    I am your very loud and visual cheerleader – cheering you on.

    I will now look upon the silences without judgement.

    For, forgive me, I didn't know.

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  • Soul Danced

    More from "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride.

    "Self-trust, self-love, and self-knowledge can be taught to a daughter only by a mother who possesses those qualities herself. Furthermore, to pass them on successfully, a mother needs to have created an engaged and balanced relationship with her daughter. One of the problems with narcissism is that it does not allow for balance. Daughters of narcissistic mothers live in family environments that are extreme. True to their legacy of distorted love, which has been carried over from generation to generation, most narcissistic mothers either severely over-parent (the engulfing mother) or severely under-parent (the ignoring mother). Although these two parenting styles are seemingly opposite, to a child raised with either narcissistic style, the impact of the opposite is the same. Your self-image becomes distorted and feelings of insecurity seem impossible to shake.

    The engulfing mother smothers, seemingly unaware of her daughter’s unique needs or desires. Perhaps you were raised like this. If so, it is likely that the natural talents you had, the dreams you wanted to pursue, and maybe even the relationships most important to you were rarely nurtured. Your mother constantly sent messages to you about who she needed you to be, instead of validating who you really were. Desperate to merit her love and approval, you conformed, and in the process, lost yourself.

     If you were raised by an ignoring mother, the message she gave you over and over was that you were invisible. She simply did not have enough room in her heart for you. As a result, you were dismissed and discounted. Children with severe ignoring mothers do not receive even the most basic requirements of food, shelter, clothing or protection, let alone guidance and emotional support. Lack of a consistent home environment may have made you feel insecure, unhealthy, or unsuccessful at school. Emotional and physical neglect sends you the message that you don’t matter.

    Having a narcissistic mother, whether she is engulfing or ignoring, makes individuation— a separate sense of self— difficult for a daughter to accomplish. Daughters with unmet emotional needs keep going back to their mothers, hoping to gain their love and respect at a later date. Daughters who have a full emotional “tank” have the confidence to separate in a healthy fashion, and move on into adulthood. Later, in the recovery chapter, we will address this in greater depth. For now, let’s look at the different faces of engulfing and ignoring mothers and their effects on daughters. Karyl

     

    Here is what was puzzling even to me.  I was a narcissistic mother and did not know it.

    The devastating moment in my life when my world fell apart, was when I found a very small self that I followed.  This self is the self that was hidden far beneath the layers of narcissism.

    The self that the church didn't want.

    The self that my mother didn't see.

    The self that I never even knew existed.

    I was self-less, worthless and never enough.  And, when I mothered from there, I gave distorted love.  I didn't see my children as themselves; but an extension of me.  

    On the spectrum I was; perhaps not the worst, but I was clearly there.

    I had to be.

    Coming from whence I came.

    While I have written about my waking up from denial or that denial is my mental illness.  I didn't know that it had a more clinical name.  Narcissism.

    I can clearly remember how I would mother from the far poles of extremes. 

    I can also remember being mothered that way.

    Where it was either all controlling or nothing at all.

    The silence of disapproval deafening.

    The widest hole or biggest gap in the dialogue between me and my estranged family IS the middle.

    Its option isn't available to us.

    They don't even know they are wearing a spectrum of narcissism.

    I find this wildly exciting and completely horrifying to be a recovering narcissistic.

    But my life and world makes more sense.

    I had such issues with my mother, that did seem to go beyond her religious zealous, but I couldn't define it, until this book.

    I knew she played a bigger part in my own dysfunction…that was equal to or greater than my father's sexual abuse.

    I marvel at the hurdles I have had to overcome to be at peace and love myself.

    In the recovery part of the book, we are supposed to come up with "gifts" from our narcissistic parents. That no one is all bad. We did receive good from them too.

    I don't know what my list would hold.

    What good has come from them?

    Perhaps I will need more distance to see this.

    My recovery may be too new.

    The wound barely healed.

    My sights have been on what I have denied, the bad destructive behaviors that I called normal had to be uncovered, felt, and re-worked.

    I will let the list be for now.

    What I know for sure, is how grateful I am to have been given the opportunity to live a life the opposite from being a narcissistic. To be free and self-loving. To live from the middle.

    I also know, that when I find myself in the land of extremes, it is another aspect of narcissism I have to heal.

    What also came to me today, as I pondered the book, was that my estranged family too are on the spectrum. They also have experienced maternal narcissism as their nurturing. 

    As we are separated physically, we are completely attached via the legacy of distorted love that we were given.

    The reason we can't communicate and understand each other is they are still speaking the language of distorted love and I don't love like that no more.

    How grateful am I that I was able to finally see myself. Even if the self was so small it was barely discernible. 

    This little spark is what I mothered, while I simultaneously mothered my children.

    Each sense of self and love, and self trust that grew, so did my ability to nurture.

    It is wildly incredible that a raging narcissist was in charge of healing me. 

    Of recovering the little innocent girl and allowing that little girl to overcome the narcissistic.

    Amazing.

    I knew that there was a mental lady in charge of me finding myself.

    and, loving myself.

    Trusting that the small little self could lead me towards love, peace and joy!

    And, she did!

    Perhaps that is the gift I am most grateful for. 

    The mental lady allowed me to take the lead.

    And, my soul danced!

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  • Needless

    How a person with the least amount of self-esteem or self-worth can dominate a relationship has astounded me.  How is it possible for the least among us, to overpower each encounter?  It didn't seem even rational, how the lowest in worth could possibly dominate.

    It finally made sense to me.

    It isn't that they are emitting less energy, but have the most violent need.

    Their inner need is on high volume due to their lack of self awareness and worth.

    A person who is whole and less needy will not be seeking so violently.

    When you have so little worth, your energy need is screaming so loudly to be fulfilled.  

    Their fear tones overwhelm and push back love.

    It is to scream in a peaceful church.

    The scream will be noticed over the peaceful silence.

    I can see how dysfunctional relationships work, where two people's need energies need to be filled.  How you work to keep the energy volume turned down low, by dancing and fulfilling their need. Their screaming life threatening need to be served.

    Two empty tanks looking outside for others to fill them.

    Some may think this is an over exaggeration.  

    However, if you ever have had a relationship with someone who seems to be okay, and then suddenly erupts, you know, that the eruption is their base level need.  And, it is time again to feed the need.

    The need is unending.

    It will be appeased for awhile and then arise.

    What I know to be true, is that once I was able to see my heat seeking missile of no self, I was now in charge of my volume.

    When I had no separate self, when there was no Me in me, I was extremely needy.

    I needed to control.

    I needed to feel loved.

    I needed to be needed.

    I needed you to fill me.

    To complete me.

    To love me.

    To define me.

    To make me pretty, lovable, kind, happy, joyful, etc.

    I was powerless and therefore extremely loud in my needs and fears.

    When, I started to empower myself and define me, the volume started to lessen.

    My control of others lost its taste.

    I only craved personal empowerment.

    All my needs, desires and loves are inside of me.

    I need nothing from the outside world.

    I have no desire to control anyone.

    My life, my self, my emotions, feelings and expressions are where I want to be focused.

    What is the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world".

    The screaming energies of folks with no self will never be satisfied. For they are screaming at themselves. They are the ones they are waiting for.

    Our world and relationships are only as good as the one with the least amount of self.

    The more empowered each person is, the stronger the relationship.

    The less need, the more value.

    What used to scare me was when someone needed nothing from me.

    Now, I am the most at peace with those without a need from me.

    All our needs are of our Self.

    All the screams I used to scream were trying to get myself to hear me.

    Which is why Byron Katie is so brilliant, when she turns the "You" into "I".

    Each time I feel out of control or feel a need from 'someone'…I know to look inside to see where I am not doing something that I need to do.   

    A free spirit is one without needs!

    To lovingly accept what is.

    To feel complete love inside.

    Needless.

     

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  • Moksha

    I am sending a quilt out to an organization called "The Truth Be Told".  A group of women who go into prisons, who give the women prisoners a chance to write their truth.

    Empowering them to write their stories truthfully, so that they can see their journey and what choices or needs led them to commit crimes.

    It isn't about changing the story; but rather accepting their whole truths, feelings and confused minds.

    I know this exercise could be main street art.

    It could be on every corner.

    How well do you know your own truth?

    What are your subconscious needs that drive you to do what you do?

    Do you know or can you see the choices you make and why?

    How often are you moving from your center; but rather being driven by the unmet need?

    If the truth were told, would you even recognize yourself in its telling?

    Here is what I know.

    My truth was a million miles from where I was.

    I could just as easily woken up in prison instead of a cult like religion.

    I had beliefs and fears and denial that kept the truth at bay.

    My feelings and emotions were unexpressed, unfelt and I lied to keep them that way.

    The truth be told, I had no clue who I was or how I had blindly followed the patterns of my childhood.

    Can this not be true for so many?

    I also know, that when I speak of recovering my truth, my mental breakdown out of denial, others sit in awe.

    Truth living isn't the norm.

    It isn't what we do.

    While the girls in prisons are held behind bars, we who are 'free' in society are actually lost behind the lies of our lives.

    The drastic change that happened after I embraced truth, shows the distance between truth and fiction in our worlds.

    Most would like to believe, they are living their lives truthfully, that they are not dancing to the music of a subconscious unmet childhood need…but, sadly it is so well hidden, you can't even know, you don't know.  Not only that.  You have lived your whole life to get this need met, you don't even know the real you

    The real me and the unmet need that masquerade as me, were completely different.

    They are not even close.

    The unmet need I had was I was not good enough and that I had to do this or that for love.

    The Me that I discovered is completely enough; pure love and innocence.

    She dances to her own music.

    Free to feel, express and move in tune with her soul.

    The prison walls are our belief in what is not real.

    What is not true.

    We create our own prison by our unmet needs.

    The best place to be is to not need anything but our own truths.

    My truth and I are one.

    I have broken the karma of the pattern I was born into.

    Moksha!

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  • My soft heart cries…

     

    Here is a brilliant podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert that will resonate with so many!

    The conversation literally transformed the way I saw my "hard" journey of being estranged from my family. AND, how it does't mean I am a hard person. While I know how difficult so many encounters and relationship endings have been, I think I have held myself accountable. And, in doing that, I subconsciously was a very hard person.

    While my soul cried.

     

    Perhaps my biggest fear is that I do have a cold cold heart.

    That, the very reason there is space between us, is that I have done something wrong. 

    This, I believe has come from being the person to walk gently as to not ruffle feathers, to be the 'kind' person in dysfunction.  

    As I walked softly with them, my truth was held in – deeply.

    So, as I now let my truth out, and I am seen as cold.  I believed it.  I believed it due to the fact of all my years in dysfunction, where I did so much to be seen as one with a soft warm heart.

    For them to see my soft warm heart.

    Waiting for them to feel me – when I myself wasn't completely convinced I was nice.

    Kind.

    Soft.

    We were somehow taught that doing what is right is hard…and that we have to be hard, or tough, to do it. 

    But, what Elizabeth and Amy Purdy were saying is that we can bring our vulnerability to something hard.  Or, as Penelope said, she would dance from her heart.

    Sadly, ever so sadly for me, is that speaking my truth, isn't to be hard or mean. Nor does it mean I have no heart.

    What I guess hurts the most with my last estrangement and, probably with all, was that it was because I cared, that I had a soft heart, that I have spoken what is true.

    How the sorrow drips because, as I had said before, I wasn't an asshole.

    I wasn't the one who was distant or disengaged or unplugged from family.  I was the one in the mix.  My inner nature was/is a soft hearted caring person.

    I saw a little girl today pushing her younger sibling…or two.  She was small.  She was bright. She was smiling with a gap-toothed grin.  She waves like we are best friends. She pushes her siblings. She herself is so small. Tears came to my eyes and a lump in my throat that she is me.  There are quite a few children in her home, and I see her in a role that was once Me.  We are one.

    I have to acknowledge to myself that the image I saw today is who I am.

    Innocently in my childhood picking up the slack, carrying, walking, helping my siblings that I loved.  

    That still stands today.

    I know, that my absence for 12 years isn't seen as love; but hate. Not soft but hard.

    What is the softest but hardest thing you can do when it comes to abuse?

    As they see me now and in years to come, will I always be remembered as the hard one. Not the soft one.  Will even my last estrangement forget the million conversations that were not hard hearted but soft.  Hard to sometimes speak – but my heart was always open. Vulnerable until the last conversation was I – in my truth.

    This is the key I was looking for.

    The image of the blonde little girl pushing so joyfully her siblings.

    She wasn't hitting them.

    Neglecting them.

    But being a second mom.

    A child/second mom, who was innocent; until abused.

    And who broken that silence; which was her hardest walk.

    Knowing, as she was doing it, it would be the very thing, that would change their hearts.

    Change Their hearts.

    Not mine.

    I am still the little girl inside of me, doing the heavy lifting, that is much too big for me.

    And, it is much harder to be estranged with a soft heart.

     

    Thanks Elizabeth Gilbert and your magic lessons. How powerful they are!

    IMG_1903

    Moksha means – "Release from the cycle of rebirth impelled by the law of karma.
    the transcendent state attained as a result of being released from the cycle of rebirth.

    Released from my dysfunctional belief that I was born with a hard heart.

    My soft heart cries…

  • Pretend to Silence

    It has been a year or more, a silence that is loud.

    Distant in its darkness.

    Unknown what was once so familiar.

    Once daily and deeply, now gone completely.

    Family was our connection, and beyond.

    Our mutual curiosity

    understanding our wounds

    childhood patterns

    struggles to balance

    and, energetic highs of awareness.

    The wider expanding growth from the smallest darkest parts of ourself.

    We walked with each other through parts of the journey that were brilliantly tragic.

    And, then.

    Silence.

    Space

    No contact

    Can this ending mark the content of our million conversations?

    Does it take away feelings?

    Is the space on hold?

    Until - 

    In the early years of losing a family member, my mind consoled itself by saying "for now".

    I couldn't contemplate forever.

    With all the learning I have learnt about dysfunctional and post traumatic scars is that nothing is reliable.

    Again perhaps, the best we can hope for is loving the ambiguity of it all.

    I just never thought, our daily talks would leap to year(s) of silence.

    Was this pre-ordained? 

    In the master plan?

    For us to re-work our inner family dialogue just to separate?

    What is interesting, is that I can connect with someone so deeply and still lose contact.

    I didn't foresee this fork in the road.

    Not, that there would be one minute of conversation I would regret or not do.

    I believe, our time together was a life changing event in my life.

    It allowed me to redo my family tie.

    In an honest, open, vulnerable way.

    To go beneath and address the wounds, fears, joys and peace, and freedom to be.

    This exact model, is what has me honoring the space.

    It is a free choice.

    Not mine, but against me.

    My presence is no longer wanted/needed/required.

    I was set free.

    I don't hold anger.

    But, have felt grief.

    The same as if someone has died.

    The moments when I would have LOVED to share the highs, the lows and even the mundane.

    My now familiar stance to have relationships die while the body and life move on.

    I can no more force a relationship to live, any more than a person can force a body that is dead to live.

    There is an misguided sentiment among society, that we at least "have the opportunity to reconnect" to get it back.

    Which puts me (us) in an awkward stance.

    Like, we didn't 'mean' to part ways.

    We unknowingly exited out of a relationship OR that our reasons were not good enough.

    We have a choice to rekindle the old flames.

    What most do not take into count is that 'something' changed.

    The something that used to draw us close IS now repelling us.

    Moving them away from me.  Or in some cases, me from them.

    This too is natural in the content of our interactions with each other.

    Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a line; that when crossed it is over.

    Mostly, I see it as the last step before a truth will be revealed.

    A door shuts.

    I am outside.

    The truth and I…

    The veil falls down between us.

    An ironclad curtain of denial.

    We certainly could be in the same room, house and town; but standing between us is the fact that we do not relate to reality equally.  

    The curtain gives them comfort, while it hides them from me.

    And, even me from them.

    I often feel like I am in a very strange land, or perhaps the strangest in the land.

    I can't just allow the curtain to fall into place without acknowledging what It is hiding.

    Like a sister once said, "I can't pretend to pretend to pretend" and yet they all do.

    What I have learned in the podcast with Rob Bell, is that families and groups and even religions, have things they don't talk about. And, when someone has to live a life talking about the things no one talks about, _ mostly the truth_ it leaves them outside the circle.

    So, while it is true, that like the Rilke's poem "I live my life in widening circles", it often leaves me losing a circle of familiar connection.

    I have also learned, that those left will strengthen the core that remains. It doesn't even matter if what remains is good.  They will tighten those connections…so, the concentration if you will, deepens. And, it broadens the gap between us.

    So, in the lines of dysfunctional families, they become more dysfunctional each generation.

    Yikes

    Think on this.

    It will get darker.

    The last connection to my family broke a year ago.  This was the most authentically dysfunctional connection I had.  Not in denial; but in total awareness to the cost and consequence of being raised as we were raised.

    I don't have for him, or the rest, an expectation.

    Nothing is required from me.

    I honor his journey as time and space fills up with strangeness between us.

    The familiar grows strange.

    Ambiguity lies where I thought there was deep mutual respect.

    Forming and keeping relationships with scars of abuse and its affects is tricky at best.

    You can never know when the abused mind will lock you out.

    I can't even blame them…or me.

    I had heard Glennon Doyle Melton speak about one day her inner honesty arose.  It was born in her. She could no more deny it than not breathe.

    That is me.

    I didn't go out seeking this core of honesty.

    It woke up one day and will not die.

    I live now like an truth detector – or more like a truth speaker.

    I can't pretend, lie or kinda sorta believe in a non-truth.

    If we are in a relationship, it will dance between us.

    I like it.

    It cuts the dance of pretend to silence.

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  • Podcasts by Rob Bell

    Rob Bell and I would not seem to be a natural connection. For his passion or what he loves is often laced with bible verses.  Yet my truth and his deeper level of knowing life match.

     His series on Lamenting is brilliant!  There are 5 parts and they build on each other. I highly recommend listening, IF you are in pain and grief or feel unheard etc. He was a huge affirmation.

     

    In fact, the word Lament means "a passionate expression of grief or sorrow and mourning."

    Perhaps, I am the living example of what he speaks of. 

    He is able to take the past and make it revenant today…if that makes sense.

    And, when I left the church, I didn't leave behind the soul of who I am or the truth of what the Universe Is.  

    I heard on one of his podcasts "Look at your God and you can see who you are."

    I love this. 

    I also heard about one God, one Universe, one Reality, one Truth. Some call it God, I call it Truth.  It is all the same. This is my tone.

    There are not two different realities going on at one time. 

    My lamenting is my expressing my sorrow and grief of all the ramifications of daring to speak your truths against the unspoken rule of what we are allowed to talk about.

    All, I know, is that there are more and more folks who are rising to living a life more authentic and use truth to healing…as a power.

    I feel I am in good company.

    Even for those who have been severely put off by the FALC and its cult like traditions, Rob Bell may be a way to come back to center. 

    In fact, he interviews a woman Rabbi and She is the way forward in all religions. 

    Again, while religion has been a taboo subject for me I found her completely authentic and someone relatable. 

     

    Her tone is delightful – and completely accepting!

    I love that there are some brave souls who have the ability to impact the worlds religions and are daring to push back the old ways that no longer work and are willing to create new energies that will change the world!

    Bringing truth to religion – what a concept! 

    I believe, we intuitively know what connects with the truth. And, we also know when we are moving towards it or away. We can tell by how our life reflects inner peace, love and joy AND freedom!

    God's name of God in the old church had me recoil from it's name. My preferred name is Universe for it doesn't come with the trappings of the old energies of the FALC. 

    In fact, religion as a rule has bad vibes for me.  

    Understanding the Universe has to be where you can apply it to Monday morning.

    If not, it is a dead religion.

    Even if you are not a regular participant in any church, or maybe especially if you are not, you might enjoy these podcasts.