I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

Loving What Is

Alexander Shaia and Rob Bell talked about the El Camino and the Journey; the Way, and how there is no preparation for life after the life/soul changing hike. I feel the exact same way about breaking out of denial.

It all sounds wonderful and maybe even kind; but the re-entrance and living with the new self is often quite alarming.

You will be required to think about life and the choices you want to make. You are no longer on the wheel of knowing and living in automation…as the only self you knew prior.

A new awareness of who you are has arisen.

A conscious self who feels we are co-creators and what we say and do matter in the making us Us.

It is vital and very discerning to see how each thing we say and do adds a layer upon our Self. Actions are no longer just things; but who we are.

This integration of a new self in an old life often makes folks head back to the El Camino.

What happens though when The Way was to become aware of abuse?

Where can you pack up and go back to?

I believe I was unaware I was on a path or journey or a thing called The Way as I explored and questioned and read new authors who saw life in a new way. I didn't realize I was traversing towards a new self…or even leaving denial.

I was just no longer happy with the dead church. It lay uninspired and more about fear than living. More about death than living. More about following than being. More about after death than before death. More about wiping away reality, than reality.

What I didn't know, is that I was starting to go deeper into life. Leaving the surface and the usual rhetoric. The shallow self was slowly growing smaller and a new wider deeper version of me was sprouting.

When I look back at the day I found out who my father was, it was a day of reckoning with the truth. It was a pivotal moment on The Way.

From that point on, I could not Not know.

It was the turning point of no returning.

What I have failed to consider is that very few, if any in my family were on a similar path; that the language I speak is foreign to them. My experiences is not theirs.

Even if they could try and understand, it would be from the shallow level.

When I lived in the shallows; I wasn't even aware of the deeps.

Let alone did I have any desire, intention or need to converse with people who dwelled in the deeper levels of life.

What amazes me, is how I forget to remember where I was, how I was or what I only cared about.

My language and experience of my mental break down into reality, is beyond what their language can hold.

It is like I am an alien…but familiar.

Ambiguity arises again.

And I am expecting them to understand me, without taking their own journey into the deep level of the soul. Impossible.

They also spoke about "openings" on The Way. How we can sometimes miss the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves for a variety of reasons.

We can't know when those openings will arise; but they will. We do however have the free will to pass and stay shallow.

Oh, and today, I heard today with Rob Bell, "All systems bend toward self-preservation."

That groups will lean toward what is good for the group. I am so an example of that.

In my experience, the family's preservation had them seeing me as wrong…to preserve the family.

It isn't all to blame on my changing, but their need to preserve the family at all costs (mainly me) matters more. I am by far secondary and much lower on the totem pole in their hierarchy of needs.

A sentiment was written to me, "Life is short, my prayer is that someday you will be back in our lives."

This sentence is an act to control me. To reign me in, to get me back in line within the family.

What I marvel about, is that most who have spoken to me, speak from the level of the group and not as an individual. Our individual relationship is non-existent. "In our lives" is different, than in my life.

It is good to know, that the nature of systems is to bend towards self-preservation. It isn't personal. A family group is doing what systems naturally do.

I too used to see the family as one lump…and each of us had a role, and responsibility, in keeping our family together.

My opening to a deeper self had me glimpsing at the truth that lay beneath our family. It was the most critical part on my journey. Had I missed this opening, I would not be who I am today.

While the journey has been one of a million sorrows, it has also been brilliantly orchestrated and wildly full of free will…and the journey of self-love.

I hope to one day walk this El Camino, a narrow stretch of land, whose reputation is that it opens you to your soul…or a deeper level of life. A journey that changes how you see yourself in the world.

I love how we are asked to change ourselves and not the world around us. But, for us to see it as it is.

One more thing. I have seen often on Facebook, "I hope something good happens to you today", or "Something good is on its way to you soon" etc.

What this does is leave you out of today. It keeps you hoping for 'something' coming. It doesn't say, look around your path today. Look beneath your feet, in the space where your breath is for something good. Find the gold today. Find your happiness and joy here. You can do it. It isn't coming on a whim in some distant future brought by some unknown thing.

It is here Now.

It is already here.

Look and see what wonder your journey holds today.

Stop waiting.

The journey is unfolding each day, see the sights it offers.

You don't need to go to the El Camino, The Way is living now…and loving what is.

PS – I listened today to a delightful Rabbi. She was a guest on Rob Bell's podcast, Rabbi Sharon Brous. Even if you are not interested in religion, she has a wonderful life story and a great wish for humanity.

August 27, 2016
There But Not There

I heard about Ambiguous Loss and Ambiguous Grief today and even the myth of closure, when it comes to death in its various forms. (Pauline Boss)

The death that I am referring to is the death of a relationship.

When it comes to estrangement, ambiguity is its energy completely.

She spoke about holding two different beliefs at the same time.

For me it is folks are here and yet gone.

They are living but our relationship is dead.

I can't hold just one side.

I have to carry two.

Gone and Here.

Nothing is certain or inexactness.

And, I think this is for both sides. I don't think it matters who left the relationship just that we both are now no longer in one…yet we are all here. Alive and, perhaps some of us, grieving its loss.

We are on Facebook and some will "like" and message, EVEN if in real life we have no contact. So, there is very weird contact.

There are more uncertain things, than certain, when it comes to estrangement.

Often, the estrangement is over truth. One side wants to embrace it and the other wants to continue to live in the imaginary world. Pete Rollins speaks of the "Ideal Image" on a podcast with Rob Bell. (I am Totally enjoying these podcasts)

Each of us have an idealized image of themselves and the rest of us either support or break that image, often with the truth. Even how we curate our Facebook pages show an airbrushed version of our lives and who we are.

In my estranged relationship, I feel that one side is an airbrushed image of family, while I sit on the untouched up version. And, I also believe that some feel with time, my untouched version will start to be airbrushed to match theirs. That over time, I will mellow and capitulate my unvarnished truths.

With the ambiguity of estrangement, how do we live with the gone now showing up in various forms.

I have had the experience in the past few weeks of comments on Facebook, to Likes, and messages. I have had a near miss encounter on a beach where my sisters, a brother and mother were on the same day and time as I was. I didn't see them; but one saw me. I have received a postcard; again….from my mother.

What is the message of the Universe that they seem to be circling closer to my peace?

Are they testing the waters to see if my truth has changed – like it can?

Am I to take stock yet again?

I feel powerless and violated by their intrusions, even if they were by accident.

To be seen but not know it.

For them to feel it is their right, which I guess it is, to tap into my world from time to time.

To drop notes on postcards, you can't "Returned to Sender" and the words are read before you can even blink.

I truly don't get why it seems they brush against me from time to time.

Even my father's victims are often shopping when I am. In the Dentist and diners.

Am I the one who expects finality and a complete exit when it is impossible?

That has to be right. I want finite when ambiguity is what it is.

I have to become accepting and obliging to the ambiguity of the gone appearing.

Of the silent speaking.

The author Pauline speaks of how hard it is to grieve ambiguity, for it isn't even gone gone. It is gone and then there. Or gone for now… but maybe will appear later, one day.

And closure, forget about it. It will not happen ever. For you would have to forget you ever had a relationship and that can't be. You had one. You parted ways. It was either your image that was being threatened or you were the truth bearer. How can you close a relationship that was open? It is open. Just for some of us, it is a gone and then here, kind of on and off again, see and not seen relationship.

Here is what I am just now seeing as I write this.

Ambiguity IS estrangement with alive people.

You will have near misses.

And perhaps moments where you do feel the need to reach out and do.

It is the total flavor of ambiguity.

Somehow, I am sure, I believed that my resolute stance on the truth would be equalled on their side.

Oh, I understand, they may be ambiguous about where they are or even who.

While I am certain of a few things.

I am certain that I was in denial and now I am not.

I am learning daily who I am and willing to explore deeper and wider to understand different facets of estrangement…as well as myself and life.

I am even willing to be unknowing of who I am or who I will become – for I am unfolding daily.

It seems to me, that they are very sure of family and love and their image. Regardless if it misses a few integral sections of life.

My estrangement with them, is more about who we are as individuals and what our content is and how much we are willing to leave in its raw form…or how much some want to cover up the unsightly blemishes.

I see them as a painter painting over reality to keep an image they need.

I know, for me, when I stopped painting reality revealed itself.

It was and often is messy – but it is life at its rawest.

Ambiguity is what I need to embrace and learn to love and find peace with and give up any idea of closure – even if it was a subconscious desire.

It is right and normal for this to pop up at my work

flinging me backwards into crux of my estrangement with my mother.

I still wonder what she forgives me for.

I wonder if she knows what she is asking me to forgive her for – it is so generic.

And I love you always forever. She too believes in finite.

I wonder if love itself is ambiguous?

Can there be a forever type of love?

Or, an always?

Do we as humans feel better in the finite and certain linear ideals?

What does it mean when her love for me never changes?

Was that the same kind of love she had for my father?

I wonder what I love without ambiguity?

Perhaps the truth or reality.

What I love most about this post is that I am no longer feeling like "it shouldn't be happening" or that I must make them do this or that.

I was only violated by my belief that estrangement would not be ambiguous.

My experience of estrangement is that it is totally full of ambiguity.

The Universe choreographed the perfect weeks for me to see and understand the tone of estrangement and to set them all free to contact me or not.

Estrangement was never mine to control in the first place.

All I have ever done is follow where my truth led.

And they all make moves based on where they are and what they need and what image they need to hold.

They are and have always been free to move on their own free will.

It is mine to respond or allow it to be.

I don't have the power to wipe away my mother's faults.

I am not withholding.

Her faults are hers to deal with.

All I can manage and course correct, are my own.

Rob Bell talked about forgiveness too.

And, from his example, I believe that I have forgiven my mother.

I do not hold anger for her.

What I know and see and have experienced, is that her faith speaks to me before a mother. Do you hear that?

In the post card, her Faith is speaking to me first…and it is much more important than our relationship of mother/daughter.

Who I would be dialoguing with is her Faith – not my mother.

My mother is hiding far behind the Faith Wall.

I can forgive my mother for she is blinded with faith, like I used to be.

And, I refuse to reconnect with a Faith.

Especially that Faith.

And, I am eternally grateful that my faith wall fell to the ground. And, that I stood naked and in shock that there was actually a Being there.

A Me, who I had never met.

How can I begin to begin to explain this to her as she(her faith) ask me to forgive.

The woman I cannot reach is behind the wall.

Another ambiguity.

There but not there.

August 25, 2016
Without Permission.

It wasn't until the end of the last blog, that I realized the significance of me returning to the little church on Pine Street. To walk into a place that altered how I viewed myself and the world around me.

Like the stained glass windows, its preachings colored the way I believed, thought, acted and lived.

The little child who entered that space didn't have a chance against its teachings.

I can look back at the young child me, and see how she blindly trusted the things she was told. It was where she was taught to love and fear God. Where she discovered she had a sinful body. Where she lost her sense of self.

Imagine, a church that steals innocence!

She walked in through those doors with nothing to compare their words to. She had no experience, nor the freedom to doubt. For, to doubt their words and preachings, was a sin….too.

It is no wonder, I was brainwashed, I was too little and had no choice but to follow along.

The significance of shutting out TV and the "world" and its contrasting words, was the only way to keep us in the dark. I also heard today, of how fear is a way to control people.

I see my young self too afraid not to follow along.

Fear of dying in sin and going to hell.

Fear replaced my sense of curiosity and open-mindedness.

My world shrank to fit in that narrow minded religion.

And, I didn't venture out until my world fell apart.

It is hard to comprehend the magnitude of these strict religions.

And, not so hard to see, how unmoving they all now are when anything speaks outside of that religion. Words, actions and deeds are not recognized unless they are sanctioned by the church.

They literally will not move unless told to do so.

OR, until they too suffer a mind-altering event, where truth shatters this mind controlling religion. When truth shines so brightly, even the mind can't help but see beyond programmed words.

I didn't set out to un-program my mind.

But once I saw the colored glass of its deception, I no longer could pretend to pretend to believe.

I am not sure I ended up with an open mind, but one that has now experienced being programmed and told what to think and how to act and who to be.

Given that experience, I am now able to choose to be free.

Whereas, prior to knowing I was programmed, I was too programmed to know I was programmed. If that makes sense?

A person unaware doesn't have awareness to see themselves unaware.

What I felt going back to the little church on Pine Street was MY BRIGHT AWARENESS. So bright and free and open that there isn't anyone in that little church who could take it away.

How delightful would it be if churches held each child's innocence and open mind as a thing to protect at all costs, instead of stealing both.

I can't even be sure most churches are aware of the costs of their religions…

What made me even more sad today, was that my little girl had nowhere to go that held her innocence as priceless. In fact, that religion that was preached in that little church on Pine Street, equaled the actions of a dysfunctional home.

It is no wonder to me, that they match OR that so many homes whose beginnings are formed in this church are steeped in abuse.

Abuse is what is normal.

No self.

No innocence.

No curiosity and open-mindedness.

The feelings we were given within that little church of being sinful, unworthy and with a body full of sin, is the same way we are treated as victim of abuse.

It is our fault.

We somehow carry forward the shame and guilt.

Just as the church had us feeling guilt and shame for being sinful.

I saw that little church and how it worked hand and hand with my incest to keep me miles from myself and seeing my inherent worth.

Both, to me, hold equal parts of my demise.

Which is how they fell down almost simultaneously.

It is my belief, that if you are standing tall with your natural born innocence and intrinsic value you will be repelled from religion.

The circle moment, was for me to enter back into that church under my full power. Nothing could be added to make me more of who I am. I am complete.

It was to be complete…to go into 40 years of darkness and to find my way back to the Light.

As I stand outside of this cult-like religion – it is I, who is the devil's own, not the church.

Just as I stand outside of my dysfunctional family as the evil one.

And, I am a threat to both.

Free spirit, love of self, sense of worth, open-mindedness, awareness, voice, choice are all threats to keeping their members in the dark and in fear and under control.

In order for both to work and be seen as value and moral, I must be wrong.

My experiences of my Self-Worth in both is the true witness.

Here is my old Art which shows My Lady in her early stages…

I loved both of these pieces, and thought how free and flowing they were…

And, now my latest work in progress…

This says it all.

August 13, 2016
Reality Arose

More wonderful insights from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant"

"When you are taught to think that you are inherently wrong, that something is wrong with you, and/or that you are guilty, you see others in the same light. These thought forms and the energy they carry not only make you suspicious, they become the filter through which you see everyone and everything. When these thought forms and thought filters of wrongness and guilt are then shaded with a belief system grounded in inferiority and superiority based on race, your instincts, reflexes, and reactions become knee-jerk rather than reality based."

"When you think that someone else thinks you are wrong or guilty because of the color of your skin, your responses to them are not grounded in reality. They are the result of programming and conditioning."

"By the same token, when people think that who you are is wrong, or that you are guilty of something simply by virtue of your race or skin color, their responses to and interactions with you will be knee-jerk and preprogrammed rather than genuinely appropriate to any specific situation. Unfortunately, whether you are reacting to your own internal programming or you are being reacted upon because of someone else's programming, in many, many cases, the reaction is unconscious and, therefore, difficult to acknowledge or correct. As a human being, you fight for what you believe, whether you know you believe it or not. When what you believe is unconscious, you may not be able to control or monitor the ways you fight to prove it is true." Iyanla

These unconscious beliefs of wrongness; whether it be you or others who are wrong, or right, truly does create a shield over reality. We unconsciously block reality and then believe we are right about what is 'wrong'…or wrong about what is right.

Never truly seeing anything but our beliefs.

What I have come to learn is that I wasn't seeing 'wrong' folks, I was literally looking wrongly at life.

This is a huge difference; and leaves everyone as they are.

When the programmed beliefs of mine dropped, it was to see how wrong I was taught…NOT how wrong others were.

What we call "judgement" literally is what we believe to be true.

It doesn't make it true – just what we were taught was true.

This may confuse many and your own beliefs may argue as you read this.

There is an odd comfort in believing you are right and a discomfort in knowing you may be wrong.

Even today, my old beliefs wiggle and squirm when an old right is made wrong.

I am not sure there is a bigger culprit of creating judgement than churches.

Each presents their beliefs to be right and in doing so colors everyone else wrong.

The very organizations that proclaim love and peace really teach the opposite.

Allowing and accepting everyone as equals would render churches mute.

They would just be a structure with pretty windows.

Funny, in a peculiar way, how they have colored glasses.

Perhaps an unconscious sign they don't see clearly.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I have judged and rejected many with my beliefs. And, what it cost me not to see clearly. My programming inside of my head was completely screwed up.

Many worry about the badness of others or their lifestyle or political views….and their religious upbringing. Few ponder what program lives within them.

How do you see other humans in this world, their color, country or lifestyle?

Who is correct and who makes it so?

Or maybe it is easier to look deeply into what you feel is wrong and why.

The right world is most likely the one you were taught to live in.

How wide of a circle is this one right world and who does it include and who more importantly does it exclude.

What a right religion excludes, shows the size of their inclusiveness.

The smaller the circle the more cult-like and extreme its beliefs.

Many feel that the world would come apart at the seams if it weren't for churches. I believe it would fall free in love, peace and joy.

Imagine a world where there were was no judgment?

Where humanity had a zillion expressions of right being.

I am so very grateful each time an old belief is proved wrong by a wonderful loving being; showing me it is so.

It is so much easier living outside the 'sins' and wrongs of the church.

When my church lay in tattered ruins…a brilliant reality arose.

July 2, 2016
Unmet Needs

The concept that unmet needs drive our worlds, and cause blindness to reality, is the most insightful. It totally explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional home. The core of word dysfunction really.

Here is the deal. In a dysfunctional home, codependency is commonplace.

We expect others to fulfill our needs.

That is their job and it is our job to fulfill their needs.

Self-sufficiency is nowhere to be found and the phrase, "you complete me" is real.

Inside of a dysfunctional home, no one is empowered.

Self-awareness, self-love and self-esteem is unheard of.

Self period is a bad word.

To be self-loving is the greatest sin and is called selfish.

Using your life to live by your own soul and passion is not acceptable.

You are to be part of the whole and move as one.

Your own needs are not even recognized; but you will be able to know and feel and even predict the needs of others.

Your life will be jousted about by crisis of everyone else; with very little free space to call you own – if any. You are not free to plan and execute your own life. You are frozen in place by the sheer volume of folks who need you. You are that important – to them. And completely unimportant in your life.

While underneath this busyness for others, is the unseen and unheard (by you) your own needs.

This thirst and craving for something.

What is the most common phrases…."I want to be happy." "I want to be loved." or "I want to be valued."

Most will not however, tell you what that means.

What does it truly look like to be valued.

And, mostly…they will tell you what the other people have to do; but not themselves.

This was me.

I danced to the tune of what others needed and what they expected of me. I had zero clue who I was or what I wanted. None.

My individual self had never been born or had a chance to live within the dysfunctional home and its cult like religion. There was no room for self there.

No self-expression.

Individual ideas, or God forbid a deviation to something different.

What I know for sure, is that when I found the little seed of self and began nurturing her and living from the inside out – I fell out of the 'good graces' of both family and religion.

My life experiences show this concept in action.

I had originally thought, that the rest of my family had more love for family.

Their volume was turned up many degrees higher than mine.

But, what I now believe to be more true is this unmet need beacon that is driving their choices.

Love from others is their need.

I used to also believe that need equaled love. The more you needed someone the more you loved them. My definition of love was NEED. I felt more loved; the more I was needed.

Now, I feel love as being free.

Needless.

Love that needs is not love. It is codependency.

I don't need anyone to do anything for me to make me happy.

This has been hard. Very hard. A disease of sorts.

I felt unloving as I unplugged everyone.

I felt unloving as I took care of myself and became responsible for my peace, love and joy.

This freedom to be me allowed me to love me.

Even while I fell out of love with others.

They only loved me when I could fulfill their needs.

Once I stopped feeding their needs; love ended.

Their love was need.

Period.

That love kills the soul.

I still have moments when the thought "I need you to do…." comes in.

Or, "They should".

Each time I have this thought, I circle it back to me.

I need ME to do it.

I should do that.

Each time I bring the power back to me, it frees me. And, sets the other person free too.

To me, the greatest love of all time are free souls enjoying this life together!

Love is free.

If you are not free to be…it is not love!

It is need.

What are your unmet needs?

June 30, 2016
Waiting For

While reading about trust, I found the piece of the puzzle that always puzzled me.

My passion and interest has been the complex nature of abuse and its generational clutches. How it seems this cycle is so damn hard to break. How families are locked tightly together loyally no matter the abuse.

The opposing and conflicting dynamics has kept me engaged for so many years as I tried to unravel the mystery and legacy of abuse.

It seems at first blush, that we would avoid people who hurt us.

That who in their right mind would remain loyal to abusers?

And, why would we, as adult children of abuse, pass this on to our children and/or become unable to end abuse?

Families where abuse happens, are often just the latest generation to experience abuse; it isn't a new family tradition – but tradition.

Once I awoke to the insanity of my dysfunctional family. I was/am obsessed by the ways families pass this on like a family secret recipe.

This morning I read this in "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"Hope versus Trust"

"Learning to trust others means that you not only have an awareness of your own unmet needs, you also possess a consciousness of how desperate you are to get those needs met. When you are desperate to meet a need, you can be easily swayed by the promise of something better than what you have previously experienced. When you are unaware of the need, its origin, or how it motivates your choices and behavior, you are no longer working with trust. You are holding on to hope."

"Hoping that someone will meet your needs and trusting his capacity to do so are very two different things. When you are hoping, you ignore, dismiss or diminish all of the physical and logical signs that are presented to indicate whether or not you can or should trust the other person. You downplay or reject the signs that suggest that what you want and the other person's capacity to give it to you are as separate as oil in water. When you are hoping to get your needs met with someone, more often than not you know it will not happen with this person, but you hope you are wrong. When, on the other hand, you trust, you see clear evidence that what you need is possible and that person you are involved with is willing and able to fulfill that need."

"Remember trust requires knowing that you are involved with a good person and that they have your best interests at heart. You trust yourself enough to be vulnerable, and you trust that the person enough to believe they will not take advantage of you…" Iyanla

Sadly, the more needy you are, the less you will see clearly…and the more hopeful you have to be. You can't trust, for you can't even see who they truly are.

This blind need is overwhelmingly prevalent in dysfunctional homes.

I just re-watched Brene Brown speak of the Parent Manifesto. It speaks of children being seen, heard and valued.

It is the complete opposite of what happens in an abusive home.

Abuse and incest raise very needy children who are literally blind to the actions of their abusers BY the sheer NEED for love; to be seen, heard and valued.

I wondered what made the blindness. I thought it was their love for a parent/sibling.

It isn't love.

It is complete and utter need.

What I am just learning is that this hungry need will block clear sight.

This need will overshadow everything.

They keep going back to the original source to get the love they think is still there.

I am not sure I can articulate this in the way my whole body knows this to be true.

But, this need, this deep deep hunger, eclipses all else.

It is wholly personal to each person.

Each individual has this unmet need.

In my experience with my family of origin, this is so very true.

There literally wasn't anything I could have said or done to change the volume of need inside of them. The hungrier the need; the blinder they become.

What freedom this brings me; and peace.

I didn't make them hungry and I can't fill them up.

Need, the unmet need, steers their world.

I have felt helpless and incapable of being understood or heard. What I never knew, was that it wasn't me that they couldn't see…but that their unmet NEED was bigger than me.

It is the unmovable wall between us.

At times today, this overwhelmed me with sadness.

For the very thing they hunger for is inside of them.

A self who is waiting to be seen, heard and valued BY you.

You are the one you are waiting for…

June 28, 2016
Convinced Wrongly

I wonder about the mass shootings and their correlation to our thoughts. In that, it is the mind who believes that there are superior colors, sex, nationality, sexual preferences, lifestyles, religions etc. We want to quickly ban guns; but nothing is said about the way we as a society have been taught to believe.

In my old church, I was taught to believe that being gay was wrong.

This simple wrong belief colored my world.

It tainted those who were born gay.

And it whitened me.

I was special.

I was better.

I was right.

Born correct.

They were choosing to be born wrong.

Sadly, I don’t even believe I thought further into my thought processes; but that there was something wrong with them. Period. Dismissed. Off my radar. AND, I was right! Being right, I thought no more.

As I sat in the park the other day, a child who appeared “different” walked by. My mind immediately said, “There is something wrong with her.

I was shocked in the terminology and the wrongness that I felt.

For her, it was totally right.

It was I who had something wrong with me. I was putting her outside of what I was taught to believe was right.

This white straight and correct religion feeling of superiority IS the problem.

Our view of setting us up higher, and better, and chosen is where the annihilation happens.

Most will look upon the minorities weighing how far from the mark of superiority they are. Not seeing their value as they are; but how they don’t match what we as a society have believed to have more worth.

Just because we believe this doesn’t make it so.

I have battled with an abused mind.

Mine.

And the collective minds of my old church and family of origin.

You will be hell bent to change their minds.

Reality and life has no impact on what they think.

None.

Brainwashed in believing what they believe, not only totally, but blindly and without regard to who they have banished to the fringes of society.

These God fearing folks are setting the graph where we all rise or fall – in. No one is equal outside of their circle. All within – special, saved, right, chosen, loved by God.

What they fail to consider ARE the ones they have banned. It isn't about those banned; but about themselves. And, what they don't want to discuss is why these folks are banned.

The easier route is to ban guns; the much harder route is to change the way we believe.

“A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.” Albert Einstein

I see these egregious acts as lessons for us all.

What are you believing about others who don’t look like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you, love like you, etc? Be honest. Brutally honest!

And, where is the line drawn between believing they are wrong and hating? What is fueling these crimes?

Can the guns really carrying the majority of blame for these hate crimes? Do guns hate?

How is it that we don’t want to look at ourselves and see our part?

See what our religion teaches? Who is special and on the right path to heaven and all the others be damned. Who is less and who is more?

What can we blame for sex crimes?

Can we ban our sexual organs?

In order for us to have a real conversation about these crimes of hate, we have to start with what we believe about those who are different than ourselves.

What would happen to religion IF folks all found out we are all equal?

That God didn't make a mistake or people didn't chose wrongly; but that all are perfectly human and equal!

The mind is the most flexible organ we have.

It is also the most rigid when beliefs are laced with fear.

My mind was blown apart when I discovered truths – ugly truths – in my family. Yet my wide open mind was then able to see what else I had falsely believed in. And, in what ways was I completely insane in my thinking mind?

Can a closed mind see its own beliefs and see where it has set people on a scale that sees them lower than them? How many of us want to dissect where our thoughts come from? Or are you free to tear apart a religion when and if, it can't see humanity as equals?

We are our beliefs.

We live according to how we believe.

In my mind, it wasn’t the gun that killed those folks but the natural conclusion of a mind who believes that not all men are created equal.

When we ban this way of thinking – guns will be innocent.

Certainly it is a tool to be used to kill – but without a hateful, confused and insane mind – it is as innocent as a sexual organ.

When I discovered my own insane mind – I was terrified. Of how blindly I followed behind the church and family and its teachings or models. How unquestioning I was. The lack of personal discernment was beyond shocking.

I had to look at the world again.

With an open mind.

A questioning one.

I had to experience the sins of the church to find their innocence.

And, I had to look closely at what I thought was innocent to find evil.

These tragedies are great learning opportunities.

It isn't about taking away the innocent items (guns); but to look at our minds.

Each of us.

All I can say is that my mind had collected years worth of incorrect ideas.

My view of the world was based upon how I was told to see it.

Only a confused mind would believe that his only option is to kill someone.

It is easy to look outward for someone or something to blame.

Harder to look within to see your own personal scale and how others fit upon it.

Not only to see your beliefs; but how you feel about others.

Remember, I was taught by my church community that being Gay was wrong. An 'innocent church' taught me this. Not a hating organization or so I thought.

I wasn't taught to hate them; but I certainly wasn't taught to value them.

When we blame guns – the crazed mind goes un-noticed…theirs and ours.

If everyone could only experience the mental mind. To find the space to look around what it believes and why.

My mind was created by a cult like religion and an abusive family lifestyle. It is no wonder how I saw the world. It wasn't until I seen both in the reality, that I was able to see humanities equality.

It isn't those of us outside of religion that are spreading the messages of inequality.

Nor are we teaching others how to think or what to believe in.

We have no rules, no rights and wrongs. We are simply living our lives based on our own souls desire.

Churches are not as innocent as guns.

Churches are brainwashing minds.

Teaching hate and to see someone as wrong – less -not okay.

What do guns teach – on their own?

Laying in a gun case…

I was born in captivity in a brainwashed community/family.

My mind was completely convinced wrongly.

June 13, 2016
Feel the Same

"Not the ones speaking the same language, but the ones sharing the same feeling understand each other." Rumi

This is a huge clue to the silences I have in my world – we don't share the same feelings.

I knew it was beyond saying the correct words.

Or, finding the perfect way to say it.

And, even the right words with a nice tone and at the right and perfect time.

It is all about how we feel.

Feelings are the connectors, not only to our Self; but with others.

Can you truly understand someone if you don't feel the same way about crucial things?

The breach grows from feeling differently.

I looked up Breach just to make sure I understand what it means.

"an act of breaking or failing to observe a law, agreement, or code of conduct."

It is the lack of feeling similar about an event or failing to observe it the same way, that puts us at odds with understanding.

I truly haven't felt violent about our silences; but rather misunderstood.

Or, the breach may be with my act of breaking the silence, the code or law of family. I broke with tradition and no longer treated the family as family. I saw my father as a criminal who perpetrated many acts of violence towards little girls. I saw my mother as an adult who knew and did nothing. This breach is not accepted by my family.

Our feelings towards our parents and abuse, is where we parted ways.

Silence grew from our differences.

We don't feel the same way, so we don't understand each other.

In the past there were many behaviors and character traits that I didn't see or feel or concern myself with. I was lost in denial and detached from my feelings. Anything and everything was okay. Or, could be justified and overlooked.

I also had very little self-esteem or self-worth, so my gauge was way off.

I literally believed to the depth of my being that my mother was a woman of high morals and values. That my old church carried the same. And, that even I too was one who walked the same path. Only to find out, that my denial had me unaware of many obscene behaviors that were buried under the cloak of 'family' and the blessing of sins.

The more we bless away, the further from the truth we land.

I think, "Estrangement" would be best defined is the breach of understanding.

And, when we make a "breach" in the wall of denial about abuse, we are exiting the family and its unwritten rule.

Perhaps silence is the kindest way to be.

Today my family of origin celebrate a wedding.

I will keep away.

I honor our misunderstandings.

My feelings, my inner world would not be at peace with them. My peace is found where I am understood.

I just love knowing that it is the lack of feeling the same about things, that has us at odds. I truly don't feel a personal violent punishing act of silence towards them. But that I am very much misunderstood.

And, that is out of my realm of control or influence.

I am a peace with myself and with my feelings. And each of them are doing what brings them peace.

And, I am sure they too feel misunderstood…by me.

But, as long as we understand ourselves and are at peace there, nothing else matters.

We can peacefully get on with our lives; doing what we love and what brings us joy.

Our silences just show us where we no longer feel the same.

June 4, 2016
Changing My Legacy

Today I overheard a very derisive chuckle, a snide jeering about a 'pervert'. And, it wasn't so much the messenger; but the personal affront I felt. It wasn't about my father; but it could have been.

As I stood there, I felt ashamed and defenseless.

I can't explain how it pierced my little girl inside of me.

Like I was being mocked.

And, I had no leg to stand upon.

It was true.

I was being made fun of…in a round about way.

How do respond when the truth of your heritage is the brunt of ridicule?

Today the story in my jeep was "Where the Light Gets In" by Kimberly Williams Paisley.

It is a story about a mother who is suffering from dementia and how it affects the family as she spins out of control.

While it is a devastating life altering event, it doesn't compare to the behaviors of pedophiles.

The love and caring that is involved in her story, compared to mine, had me in tears.

What her mother does that is embarrassing is so mild, again compared to mine.

I felt cheated.

Her mother had a reason, a valid reason, for her behavior.

I had none.

I don't believe that I have felt the realness of what it means to be a daughter of a pedophile. To feel how he is laughed about in a sick way. And, not to feel somehow dipped in the same can paint.

How often am I jeered at and derisive comments sent my way?

What do I have to contradict them?

What can I use to state my case.

Instead it feels like I have to be the tough one, to let the scoffing roll off my back…stand straighter, and walk on. Walk with the ugly truth in all its glory. Trying not to hold its hand, but having no choice. He is part of my DNA.

It is a wonder that I do public speak, that I do stand in the spot light and share my story…a lone voice…against the jeers.

I know they were not directed at me; but my father.

Yet, he is where I come from.

I am separated physically, but my heritage cannot be change.

"Bloom where you are planted"…is hard at times, coming from whence you came.

Just another little bump in the journey of being me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Words hurt.

And, the truth often pisses you off; before it sets you free.

I wasn't angry, I was hurt.

Perhaps the grieving process is accepting the truth and finding peace from there.

It is a tough pill to swallow and continue to feel empowered.

The jeers I can use as motivation to rise above their mockery.

Maybe he wasn't someone to stand and defend; but I am.

I am my father's daughter; but I'm working on changing my legacy.

May 13, 2016
Who I am.

One of the books by my nightstand is "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

So far I have highlighted many sentences.

"Trust is a function of choice"

I love this. I also believe, that when we literally allow ourselves the freedom of choice, we can then trust ourselves. Without knowing we are free to say yes or to say no, we don't trust ourselves. How can we? Nor, do I trust in others who are unable to freely choose.

It is quite remarkable actually, to boil life down to this simple freedom of your individual self.

Trusting yourself to make a choice.

To see that life has choices.

What the church has taken away mostly is the right to choose and in doing so has put the people's trust IN the church and away from the self.

A person without trust in themselves, is one who has no idea who they are.

"We lie to ourselves about ourselves and then become highly offended when others impose their lies on us. We violate our most basic instincts and in doing so invite others to do the same. We put our faith in everything that can go wrong, and when it does, we feign shock.

Another profoundly simple and extremely hard thing to do; stop telling yourself lies.

They don't even have to be big ones, just lies.

Saying "Yes" when you would feel so much better saying "No". That is lie.

All the little ways, you don't speak your truth, chip away at who you are and erodes your feelings of trust towards yourself.

I mean truly, if you can't trust yourself to make a choice based upon how you truly feel, how can you literally trust yourself. And, if you can't trust yourself; how can you ever put trust in someone else?

"Learning to trust is so simple, and yet it is the hardest thing we must learn to do in this life. For me, it begins with knowing that my thoughts and feelings are valuable."

Our value is truly raised or lowered by the choices we make. In the way we discount our feelings and place more value in others.

Not only do we 'discount' them, we totally ignore or even recognize the validity of how we feel and even our right to feel a certain way.

It is very hard coming from dysfunctional families where abuse was present to find our own self-worth, when we were literally treated like we had zero value. And, harder still is when our feelings about our family are not of high value. We don't even feel we have the right to feel we see them as being less than loving. Even when reality is clearly showing us. We want to preserve the value of family and we do this by lowering our own value.

"When I trust what I think and feel, then I am empowered to take actions that are self-supportive, self-respectful, and self-naturing. I can do this now because I have done my work, cleaning up my past, forgiving my own transgressions, and taking complete responsibility for what I think, do, and say – moment by moment. These, i believe are seeds of self-trust."

It is so completely hard to trust what you think and feel, when both of those have been taken away.

When the church has stepped in front of you; taking away your right to think on your own. When it has taken away the right to your body, you no longer feel you own your feelings.

The same goes for abuse.

Abuse is an act of 'no choice'. And, due to the fact, you had no choice, you then place no trust in yourself. An oxymoron for sure.

For in order to have trust, you have to have choice and in typical dysfunctional families, the very act of choice is removed.

So, you literally start the journey of healing and following yourself out of the pattern of abuse as a person who doesn't even trust herself!

It is to place trust in someone who has not even proven to be someone of value and worth.

I am not sure I can wrap your heads around this fact clearly enough.

For the only one to save you is you.

And the you who is in charge of saving you, has never made a free choice, when it comes to being the strong one to support your feelings and your thoughts.

It is to change the way you see the world and respond to it. It is to take your sights off of the outside and zero in on the inside. To become intimately connected to your emotions and your gut feelings as well as what will bring you love, peace and joy….and, then being strong enough to stand your ground.

I was only able to do this; by seeing the alternative.

By seeing how my mother's life turned out, was I able to do the opposite.

The complete opposite led me out.

I was fearful. I was terrified spitless to do this.

I didn't know who I was, nor did I trust that I was doing the right thing; but I was more terrified of ending up like my mother, so I forged on.

Each little choice I made that was in support of my inner feelings and emotions, and my trust grew.

I learned to trust Me.

My body never lies.

I only lied about what it felt…or what I felt.

Now, I trust myself implicitly!

I had to look up the definition of Trust.

"firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."

Yes, I completely believe in who I am.

"We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

May 4, 2016