I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Neutralizes Shame

    "The opposite of shame is empathy"  Brene Brown

    I caught the beginning of an act of shame.  As I drove away, the context of what was happening dawned on me.  He was trying to shame them into good behavior.

    Is that even possible?

    He had a smile on his face…he was pleased with what he had come up with to gain compliance by a few folks who ignored the rules.

    It wasn't what the sign said, nor the non-compliance…but rather how pleased he was for singling them out…that stayed with me.

    His pleasure at shaming him…showed his character. 

    I pondered his response to clients who were disrespecting the rules, and realized this was familiar.

    The old me would have approved.

    I used to use shame as a way to control others and make them behave.

    It seems insane to me now.

    But, when I was powerless…I made those with less power…even less powerful.

    To use shame to get others to respect rules…is to use disrespectful behavior and expect to be respected.  It is all twisted up and backwards.

    My old mothering reflected this insanity.

    I don't know for sure what changed my shame based mothering to empathetic?

    It must have something to do with my acceptance of my abuse and the lack of shame about being abused…that changed me.

    The old me would derisively point out others faults to raise me up.

    Silently…

    or out loud.

    Putting them down to be higher.

    What an exhausting way to live…and so powerless.

    Using someone else to feel powerful.

    Co-dependent for sure.

    As I neutralized the shame, I no longer needed anyone to be lower than I, to feel my own worth.  I no longer needed shame.

    Imagine. I used shaming others to feel powerful. Lower them to raise me up, without a care to how it left them being.  

    In fact, somehow in my twisted mind, I believed that they would see the error of their ways and comply…

    Like I was doing them a favor for pointing out their shortcomings.

    I know this was a learned behavior, either from the church or from how I was raised…or both.  

    It was only when I found peace with my abuse; did I learn to interact with others on an even playing field.  

    I can recall feeling so inept with allowing others to control their own worlds…in letting go of being dependent upon them for my self-worth.

    It was to be completely empty…but, not worthless.

    There was a line in a book I was listening to….and he said he was emptied from the experience of being a prisoner of war….and that all he wanted to do now, was to fill himself with joy.  "Unbroken" is the name of the book.

    This made sense to me.

    I too recall feeling of wanting to go out and find things that brought me love, peace and joy.

    I guess, when you have been emptied of shame….there is a wide open space to be filled…

    My soul was thirsty for things I loved…even to know love.

    I was no longer tolerant of things that didn't feel like peace…and no longer tolerated untruths that stole my peace.

    Joy was a feeling I longed for…and captured in a 1,000 different ways. 

    I came alive…or lived for the first time; when I no longer felt ashamed.

    It is interesting, I felt ashamed…before I knew my truth. 

    And, when my denial broke…shame left me.

    I was an empty me…waiting for me to find things that reflected who I was.  

    I began to build me.

    What is interesting to me, is that I no longer felt shame or ashamed of my truth….and yet others treated me as something shameful.

    It is like the inner shame became outer shame. But the outer shame had no impact on me…for inside of me I was filled with empathy for me and my journey….my truth.

    It is so much better having shame on the outside as others view you….compared to feeling that you are shame.

    Once I felt shameless…nothing anyone can say or do will be able to put it back inside of me.

    Truth and self-acceptance neutralizes shame.

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  • Comfortable with Confrontations.

    "Honesty is confrontational" Aziz Ansari 

    I hadn't thought of honesty confronting anyone; but of course that is why it is seldom spoken.

    It has me thinking about all my own honesty and its costs…and the courage it takes to be honest. 

    You not only have to be willing to be in a confrontational situation…But, you also have to know where you stand and why.

    Honesty isn't so much about the other person but it does require you to know your own values and morals and be willing to stand for them.

    Honesty is typically spoken to someone or displayed by your actions.

    It is to put your Self out there.

    Becoming a target for confrontation.

    Being honest was a muscle I had to develop. It grew each time I stood against someone and didn't capitulate toward their line of reasoning.

    I stood my ground and my truth; was honest with myself and others…and my self-worth grew.

    Today, while doing yoga, in my painful areas, I sometimes rub and ask…"what is your message?"  What came to me today, is "There's nothing to forgive."

    I took that in.

    I felt the release of knowing…"Forgiveness" wasn't my job.  

    I don't have to be sorry for my honesty…..NOR, do I have to forgive, to make them feel better.  

    My life is my honesty.

    My responsibility.

    It is who I am.

    I am willing to face confrontations to be Me.

    The silence of many or perhaps the distance between us….I believe, is the lack of knowing their own honesty.

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    It doesn't matter where you go…in the end; all you have is your own honesty. Until you have to defend it, you may not even know who you are.  

    In order to be honest, you have to become very comfortable with confrontations.

     

  • Me in Selfies!

    The more "Selfies" I take, the more I appreciate the younger generation and their ability to see themselves in a positive way.

    It makes me literally laugh to see my face and try to take a picture that appears happy, friendly or at the very least not blank.

    Seeing myself through the lens has me appreciate myself and become comfortable seeing me in pictures.

    I am from the older generation who believes that self-love is harmful.

    That it is self-centered and narcissistic.  

    I had to look up the word Narcissistic to see if they are right.

    "having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance:"

    "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

    My experience of taking selfies is that it takes a certain amount of self-love and appreciation, to post pictures of your face.  

    There has to be a healthy balance between being self-loving and okay posting pictures of yourself, and being excessively interested in oneself and physical appearance.

    Mostly, from my generation, there is an unhealthy and unloving attitude against themselves and the hatred or dislike for self photographs.

    Perhaps there are some who are narcissistic, but I believe that Facebook and Instagram have introduced ourselves to ourselves. To find comfort in our bodies…and acceptance.

    And, even less comparison to others.

    The more I am comfortable in my skin…the more daring I become in doing things that previously I would have found embarrassing or too attention getting.  Due to my lack of self-love….I didn't want to be seen.

    So, my take away on Selfies, is that it enhances the relationship with self…to be okay with how you look in your many different faces.

    I believe that the more comfortable we are with ourselves, the more at peace we are and the more empowered we become at being ourselves.

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    Me trying to depict "Holy Whah, I did an hour of snowshoeing!"

    I am less self-conscious; the more conscious I become, as I see me in Selfies!

     

  • A Reflection of You.

    The idea that my mother sees me as Unforgiving IS the reason most children do not accept their abuse.  They don't want to un-shine in their parents eyes.  

    This feeling of being 'less' in my mother's eyes is hurtful.

    And, it is due to the fact that I will not overlook the behaviors of her husband and herself for that matter; when it comes to the sexual abuse I experienced in their home.

    I am LESS because of it.

    Imagine.

    No wonder I carried for the feeling of not being good enough.  I read the readings from my mother's heart.  Unforgiving child.

    Not wounded little girl.

    Not innocent in the act of abuse.

    But Unforgiving.

    That carries such a loaded weight of negativity.

    I felt within my painful hip today…that this was my baseline image of me.

    Unforgiving.

    That I had to dance to a myriad of tunes in everyone's life….so they would not see the unforgiving child.

    What a righteous spot my mother choose for herself. "I will forgive, my unforgiving child."

    Giving me the slot for being negative to her positive kindness.

    Incredible.

    With tears in my eyes, I knew I wasn't unforgiving…as I stretched and breathed through my hip pain.  It wasn't that I was unforgiving.  It was that I believed my mother's feelings about me.

    Alice Miller said, "We see ourselves in our mother's eyes."

    This is why I have had to try so damn hard to 'look' better.

    To be the people (mother) pleaser.

    It wasn't that the act my father inflicted upon me that was unforgivable.  It was that I didn't (at 46) just 'forgive and move on'.  I didn't wipe it away….and, that was unforgivable.

    Not the act.

    But, the fact that I didn't remove the act from our relationship…I was Unforgivable.

    This is a terrible blow or as some call it, "the second wounding" to be seen and treated as being unforgiving…after being abused.

    When abuse happens in a family with a parent and you choose to end relationships.  YOU ARE the UNFORGIVING ONE.

    Not, the abuser.

    This is insane, and why so many victims of abuse live for years with an inner landscape of unworthiness…as their set point for life.  

    And that is how my family of origin has earned its definition of dysfunctional.

    When I am seen and treated as the unforgiving one…therein lies the problem.

    Today in yoga, as I massaged my hip I know to the depth of my being, I am not unforgiving.  I am not who I see in my mother's eyes.

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    It is no wonder I had to go out and find myself, my innocence and to heal myself away from her.  In her eyes, I would always be the unforgivable child.

    This releases me.  For no matter what I do, or say…her view of me is….the view of herself.

    I forgive her, for I know, that until you find your love, peace and joy inside.  You will forever see the world as a reflection of you.

     

     

  • Being Me

    I am 57 years old today…closer to the end of my life, than the beginning.   One of my greatest, or most significant achievements, has been to look unblinkingly at my life.

    My past.

    My present.

    My relationships.

    My wounds…and their origins.

    To feel and acknowledge so many truths that were hidden to spare me pain as a child.

    I am earnest in not blinking away from things that hurt me.  For I now know it hurts more to deny that which IS.

    And, denying it, or not seeing it, doesn't make it NOT so.

    I think my mother believes that if I would only forgive (deny) the wounds of my past; I could then have a joyful life.  When the opposite is true.

    I didn't find joy until I found the source of my pain.

    I wasn't free while I denied the truth.

    I didn't know love; until I loved my broken self.

    It is funny in a peculiar way, how those who believe joy is found NOT looking at things that hurt.  That if you just 'forgive forget and move on' you will be much happier.  They are usually the ones who have never tried doing anything but, 'moving on'….never once stopped and dipped into the truth of what is.

    There is no comparison to the me prior to allowing the truth to be part of me….and the one in denial.   The aliveness, and the magic of life, the freedom of choice, and my voice, and the fearless changes I have made are like a beautiful flowering tree…compared to the dark dead seeds of denial.

    I am so grateful that I was given this journey to experience…the depths of the darkness and the highest levels of joy, love, peace, contentment and just being Me.

    I am not sure wisdom comes with age.

    I believe wisdom comes with seeking to live truthfully; always.

    And, with the truth, comes courage to be fully yourself.

    Unique

    Powerful

    Free

    The most valuable part of me is the part that dares to always accept, honor and respect the reality of what is.  I am in awe of its ability to look unblinking at the rawness of life's darkness and its brilliant Light.

    I am not afraid of my darkness; nor am I shy with feeling my Light.

    The capacity of the human spirit leaves me in awe.

    Just when I thought I was broken beyond repair….I caught a glimpse of innocence.

    It was my innocence that carried me forward.

    "Forgive them, they know not what they do…" is correct.

    When I knew me better…I did better.

    I continue to learn and grow and expand and find new adventures.  I don't know who I will be when I grow up; but I am thoroughly enjoying this ride.

    The darkest roads led me to the most beautiful places….all the parts of me I had denied.

    Happy Birthday to me….and I will celebrate each new day…and joyfully honor each new part of being Me!

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  • Being Me!

    Eleven years ago, this day was the beginning of my end.  What felt like the worst day ever…turned out to be the best day ever.  

    The brutal reality of abuse sat its ugly self down and destroyed all of who I thought myself to be, taking with it my outer world and the steady pillars that I built myself upon.

    Nothing was left untouched.

    Inside of me was unrecognizable…and so began the journey of a million sorrows.

    It was to die while being born.

    To get rid of all the things that did not match this new reality.

    Looking at old relationships with new eyes.

    Seeing life as if for the first time…and how I was co-creating either more illusion or dancing with reality; regardless of its cost.

    I have lost much.

    I just listened to a podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert and she spoke about the fear of saying "NO"….and how we are afraid we will lose friends and/or family when doing so.   And, how she learned this was the truth. And, so did I.

    I have said "No" so many times; my No Muscle is very strong.  I have said yes to my truth which often meant having to disappoint or anger and enrage others.

    What an adventure to be authentically you!

    I was so lost 11 years ago; that I couldn't build another false self or I would not have ever found my soul.  I couldn't afford to pretend to pretend to pretend for another's peace, love or joy.

    I let volumes of people down.

    I left a religion.

    All for the sake of finding me.

    Of Being Me.

    It was wildly freeing and terrifyingly scary to disappoint the outside for inner peace.

    I had no clue who I would be at a future date….let alone who I was on that date 11 years ago.

    I was betting on nothing and losing everything for the unknown.

    As I sit here today I am so thrilled to be Me.

    I love that which I love.

    I find joy in what I find joy in.

    I am at peace with all of who I am and where I am.

    When a tragedy happens that completely destroys your world…it can be the end; or it can be the start of something completely magical.

    The old me died on that date 11 years ago and a new me was born.

    I love this new fluid ever changing unknown Me.

    I feel like I am a living work of Art…forever in the process of Being Me!

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  • Who are lost

    Once again I have misunderstood, or failed to appreciate, the spectrum and the effects of being abused.   How some lives are beyond difficult to manage and how others never reach a place of peace and wellness.  

    Peace and wellness or even wholeness comes in waves and spurts…starts and stops.  What I didn't know, is that while I feel I have been able to continue rising….others are left with an awkward life.

    A life that is very difficult to live.

    A life that doesn't appear to improve….but is maintained.

    My ability to work, to have a loving relationship, to create art, to do yoga, to speak my truth, to speak out loud, to exit toxic relationships, to honor others when they need space, to grant me space, to try new things, to travel, to write, to change the pattern of my childhood, to grow emotionally beyond my abuse, to intellectually expand my awareness, to connect with others…etc, all this wealth is beyond what many experience AFTER abuse.

    Some get left broken.

    I am damaged; but have been able to rise to a place that the abuse doesn't live out my life.

    I don't know the difference between us…How I was able to wriggle free of so many constraints that hold them prisoner.  Fears, anxiety, depression, addictions, to name a few.

    My main effect was denial.

    And, the only way out of denial is to embrace reality and truth.

    In doing so, I have lost many relationships.

    But, I feel that having a strong hold on reality spares me the side-effects of denial.

    I had a few sorrowful days, as I listened to "Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson.  Hearing about so many who are in prison…whose lives of abuse had terrible side-effects.

    I think, I thought….it was possible for all to reach a state of wellness/wholeness/peace/reality/love/harmony of mind, body and soul.

    When in fact, some of the damage is just too deep.

    This book also shows that evil isn't only the abusers, but that there are so many who fail to adhere to the truth and justice of life.  And, yet they hold a place in society that wields power over victims of crimes…many who are victims of abuse.

    The abuse after abuse is when others don't recognize the truth…and/or believe it.

    I felt the heavy burden of humanity.  The wrongs committed by far to many people.

    I am grateful beyond words where I ended up.

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    The things I lost….were nothing compared to what I have been able to hold onto…my peace, my love, my joy, my body, my mind, and my soul.  

    "I have lost the world; but have found Me.

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    I have found my strength, my courage and fearlessness…while others remain behind the gate to freedom…broken and too cripple to find themselves.

    Grateful…is too small of a word for what I feel.

    Just Mercy for those who are lost.

     

     

  • Able to live.

    "I am living my mother's un-lived life"  Gloria Steinem

    While listening to Gloria speak to Oprah…I heard her say these words.

    I know this to be true.

    There is a life that is beyond what we set out doing.

    A life that isn't bound by religion.

    Tied to family's perceived obligations.

    Where being responsible blocks the roads to a life we want to live.

    I also recognize that this sentiment may not enter into your awareness until you are older; when the life you lived and are living isn't the ones of your dreams. Where you dreams feel like distant memories.

    I can safely say that I had no grand visions of what my life would be…or even should be.  I was on a track of doing what was expected, and more importantly, what didn't upset the applecart. 

    I would say, I didn't freely consider Me and who that would look and present itself to the world.

    The choices I made were not conscious…in that I ever looked at how they would impact me; but rather each choice had a greater impact on my outer world and those around me.   I lived to serve others and to make things smoother- ironing out the wrinkles of other's bad choices.

    Is it a LIVED LIFE, if you use your life in a codependent way for others?

    Are you truly living your life; if none of your choices are solely based on your very own happiness?

    I believe there is a movement; an awakening of souls who crave to LIVE this life.

    Imagine the world where women are in control of their reproductive organs.  Isn't that odd that so many are not.  Literally; have no freedom to this.

    I know, that I have been seen as the mental one, the crazy lady who wants to destroy the church, religion and family.  When in actuality, I am trying to free women to live their own lives.  And, not be an appendage of the church and or mother.

    When some would say, "You are your mother's right hand…." it was literally true and her mind.  I was grown in her image; we moved as one.  And, I was also there to do much of what she didn't want to do or could handle or face etc.  I was groomed to be her front man to ward off so many things that would have over-burdened her.  

    And, the church owned much of my body.

    The un-lived life…is to be attached by invisible strings…to move only in step with the needs of church, faith, and family.

    The burden of this is beyond what my mind now can hold. 

    I cut the strings.

    I am no longer attached to anyone.

    I get to live the life that my mother wasn't able to live.

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  • Peace on Earth to Me!

    While listening to a novel, it came to me how I have changed myself twice in my life;  

    Once…to survive sexual abuse, I fled reality and lived an awkward life one step removed from reality; where my mind created stories about life…and I had very little contact with real reality.  I became someone different in order to keep the abuse at bay and to keep 'loving' parents.  It required that I would leave out parts of reality…the parts that would taint the family's image.  My mind began this process to protect me from knowing.  

    And the second, when reality came crashing in…when someone dared to speak of the darkness that tainted our family.  I woke up to reality and had to change to fit it.  I had to become one with reality; no matter how ugly and grief-stricken it was…or how much I would have to lose.  I had to lose it all to become who I am. 

     

    The grief I felt yesterday was the losses I have lived through. 

    How both of my transformations of self were so very costly.

    It leaves you without a home to return to.  A familiar landscape that welcomes you home.  It is to be without a hearth to rest upon.

    The emptiness and separateness, the belonging nowhere, often times is overwhelming.

    The novel was of the Jewish people returning to their homes after the war…to find nothing there.  No family.  A home; but with strangers inside.  They had to begin a new life; with so much missing.

    I don't understand what they lost. For, most lost loving parents. Parents that would have died to see their child spared.  They lost loving families.

    What I know of breaking the cycle of abuse in families is the loneliness of building a new legacy.  To be the generation that ends it, you start out on your own.

    Alone.

    You may have companions for awhile; but be prepared to end up alone.

    This is why most families of abuse continue passing the abuse on; no one wants to be alone.  Their needs are stronger than the need to change the legacy.

    There isn't a literal war that separates us.  

    The enemy lives within the family.  

    We become the enemy.

    I had to transform myself to stay in the family as a child.  And, then in order to stand against abuse; I had to transform myself to be different than family.

    To not be the enemy of my own children.

    The Jewish people lost all their valuables, their pictures, their family members.

    I have all they lost.

    I could return home.  

    The family is there.  

    But, they are hollow or empty of what I seek.

    Deaf to what I hear.

    Blind to what I see.

    Uncomprehending to what I say.

    It is to be a foreigner in your own home.

    There is no welcome there or feelings of comfort and peace for me.

    There is no going home again.

    It is to begin the process so someday my children, grandchildren, and their children  will know what home and love is.

    The loneliness I am forging through today is so they don't have to.

    The love begins with me.

    And, as I look forward and be here now….there is love.

    A love of value.

    A love of truth.

    A love of reality.

    A love of courage.

    A love of self, life, creativeness, freedom….

    While I have lost much….I have gained more.

    I have transformed abuse back to love.

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    Peace on Earth to Me…

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  • Not against Us.

    Some pages I earmarked from "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

    "But I see it differently.  I think perfectionism is just a high-end, haute couture version of fear.  I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, "I am not good enough and I will never be good enough."

    I knew this to be true.  How so many are stopped before they begin; due to the fear. What I didn't know was that it was personal fear of not being good enough…NOT that their Art wouldn't be good enough.   It isn't about the art….it is about how you feel about being you.

    And, this page….

    "It has taken me years learn this, but it seems to be the case, that if I am not actively creating something, then I am probably actively destroying something (myself, a relationship, or my own peace of mind.)"

    We can use our imagination to create something or to destroy something.  I am choosing more and more often to be creative.  I don't like how destroying thoughts feel inside of me.  Think on this….

    And,

    "By completely absorbing our attention for a short and magical spell, it can relieve us temporarily from the dreadful burden of being who we are.  Best of all, at the end of your creative adventure, you have a souvenir – something that you made, something to remind you forever of your brief but transformative encounter with inspiration."

    I truly believe that the more we are in the flow of creativity, the less we feel overwhelmed.  It is to give our minds, bodies and souls a break from life destroying thoughts.  The more you create, the more you think about what else you can create.

    And, lastly…(although I am not done yet….)

     

    "Choosing your Delusion"

    "Is this delusional?"

    "Is it delusional to me to place an infinite trust in a force that I cannot see, touch, or prove – a force that might not even actually exist?"

    "Okay, for the sake of argument, let's call it totally delusional."

    "But is it any more delusional than believing that only your suffering and pain are authentic? Or that you are alone – that you have no relationship whatsoever with the universe that created you? Or that you have been singled out by destiny as specifically cursed? Or that your talents were given to you for the mere purpose of destroying you?"

    "What I'm saying is this: If you're going to live your life based on delusions (and you are, because we all do), then why not at least select a delusion that is helpful?"

    "Allow me to suggest this one:"

    "The work wants to be made, and it wants to be made through you."

     

    I love this idea, that we can be plugged into a delusional stream…..and we may as well make it positive and one that is for us….not against us.  

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