Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Comfortable with Confrontations.

    "Honesty is confrontational" Aziz Ansari 

    I hadn't thought of honesty confronting anyone; but of course that is why it is seldom spoken.

    It has me thinking about all my own honesty and its costs…and the courage it takes to be honest. 

    You not only have to be willing to be in a confrontational situation…But, you also have to know where you stand and why.

    Honesty isn't so much about the other person but it does require you to know your own values and morals and be willing to stand for them.

    Honesty is typically spoken to someone or displayed by your actions.

    It is to put your Self out there.

    Becoming a target for confrontation.

    Being honest was a muscle I had to develop. It grew each time I stood against someone and didn't capitulate toward their line of reasoning.

    I stood my ground and my truth; was honest with myself and others…and my self-worth grew.

    Today, while doing yoga, in my painful areas, I sometimes rub and ask…"what is your message?"  What came to me today, is "There's nothing to forgive."

    I took that in.

    I felt the release of knowing…"Forgiveness" wasn't my job.  

    I don't have to be sorry for my honesty…..NOR, do I have to forgive, to make them feel better.  

    My life is my honesty.

    My responsibility.

    It is who I am.

    I am willing to face confrontations to be Me.

    The silence of many or perhaps the distance between us….I believe, is the lack of knowing their own honesty.

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    It doesn't matter where you go…in the end; all you have is your own honesty. Until you have to defend it, you may not even know who you are.  

    In order to be honest, you have to become very comfortable with confrontations.

     

  • Me in Selfies!

    The more "Selfies" I take, the more I appreciate the younger generation and their ability to see themselves in a positive way.

    It makes me literally laugh to see my face and try to take a picture that appears happy, friendly or at the very least not blank.

    Seeing myself through the lens has me appreciate myself and become comfortable seeing me in pictures.

    I am from the older generation who believes that self-love is harmful.

    That it is self-centered and narcissistic.  

    I had to look up the word Narcissistic to see if they are right.

    "having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance:"

    "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

    My experience of taking selfies is that it takes a certain amount of self-love and appreciation, to post pictures of your face.  

    There has to be a healthy balance between being self-loving and okay posting pictures of yourself, and being excessively interested in oneself and physical appearance.

    Mostly, from my generation, there is an unhealthy and unloving attitude against themselves and the hatred or dislike for self photographs.

    Perhaps there are some who are narcissistic, but I believe that Facebook and Instagram have introduced ourselves to ourselves. To find comfort in our bodies…and acceptance.

    And, even less comparison to others.

    The more I am comfortable in my skin…the more daring I become in doing things that previously I would have found embarrassing or too attention getting.  Due to my lack of self-love….I didn't want to be seen.

    So, my take away on Selfies, is that it enhances the relationship with self…to be okay with how you look in your many different faces.

    I believe that the more comfortable we are with ourselves, the more at peace we are and the more empowered we become at being ourselves.

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    Me trying to depict "Holy Whah, I did an hour of snowshoeing!"

    I am less self-conscious; the more conscious I become, as I see me in Selfies!

     

  • A Reflection of You.

    The idea that my mother sees me as Unforgiving IS the reason most children do not accept their abuse.  They don't want to un-shine in their parents eyes.  

    This feeling of being 'less' in my mother's eyes is hurtful.

    And, it is due to the fact that I will not overlook the behaviors of her husband and herself for that matter; when it comes to the sexual abuse I experienced in their home.

    I am LESS because of it.

    Imagine.

    No wonder I carried for the feeling of not being good enough.  I read the readings from my mother's heart.  Unforgiving child.

    Not wounded little girl.

    Not innocent in the act of abuse.

    But Unforgiving.

    That carries such a loaded weight of negativity.

    I felt within my painful hip today…that this was my baseline image of me.

    Unforgiving.

    That I had to dance to a myriad of tunes in everyone's life….so they would not see the unforgiving child.

    What a righteous spot my mother choose for herself. "I will forgive, my unforgiving child."

    Giving me the slot for being negative to her positive kindness.

    Incredible.

    With tears in my eyes, I knew I wasn't unforgiving…as I stretched and breathed through my hip pain.  It wasn't that I was unforgiving.  It was that I believed my mother's feelings about me.

    Alice Miller said, "We see ourselves in our mother's eyes."

    This is why I have had to try so damn hard to 'look' better.

    To be the people (mother) pleaser.

    It wasn't that the act my father inflicted upon me that was unforgivable.  It was that I didn't (at 46) just 'forgive and move on'.  I didn't wipe it away….and, that was unforgivable.

    Not the act.

    But, the fact that I didn't remove the act from our relationship…I was Unforgivable.

    This is a terrible blow or as some call it, "the second wounding" to be seen and treated as being unforgiving…after being abused.

    When abuse happens in a family with a parent and you choose to end relationships.  YOU ARE the UNFORGIVING ONE.

    Not, the abuser.

    This is insane, and why so many victims of abuse live for years with an inner landscape of unworthiness…as their set point for life.  

    And that is how my family of origin has earned its definition of dysfunctional.

    When I am seen and treated as the unforgiving one…therein lies the problem.

    Today in yoga, as I massaged my hip I know to the depth of my being, I am not unforgiving.  I am not who I see in my mother's eyes.

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    It is no wonder I had to go out and find myself, my innocence and to heal myself away from her.  In her eyes, I would always be the unforgivable child.

    This releases me.  For no matter what I do, or say…her view of me is….the view of herself.

    I forgive her, for I know, that until you find your love, peace and joy inside.  You will forever see the world as a reflection of you.

     

     

  • Being Me

    I am 57 years old today…closer to the end of my life, than the beginning.   One of my greatest, or most significant achievements, has been to look unblinkingly at my life.

    My past.

    My present.

    My relationships.

    My wounds…and their origins.

    To feel and acknowledge so many truths that were hidden to spare me pain as a child.

    I am earnest in not blinking away from things that hurt me.  For I now know it hurts more to deny that which IS.

    And, denying it, or not seeing it, doesn't make it NOT so.

    I think my mother believes that if I would only forgive (deny) the wounds of my past; I could then have a joyful life.  When the opposite is true.

    I didn't find joy until I found the source of my pain.

    I wasn't free while I denied the truth.

    I didn't know love; until I loved my broken self.

    It is funny in a peculiar way, how those who believe joy is found NOT looking at things that hurt.  That if you just 'forgive forget and move on' you will be much happier.  They are usually the ones who have never tried doing anything but, 'moving on'….never once stopped and dipped into the truth of what is.

    There is no comparison to the me prior to allowing the truth to be part of me….and the one in denial.   The aliveness, and the magic of life, the freedom of choice, and my voice, and the fearless changes I have made are like a beautiful flowering tree…compared to the dark dead seeds of denial.

    I am so grateful that I was given this journey to experience…the depths of the darkness and the highest levels of joy, love, peace, contentment and just being Me.

    I am not sure wisdom comes with age.

    I believe wisdom comes with seeking to live truthfully; always.

    And, with the truth, comes courage to be fully yourself.

    Unique

    Powerful

    Free

    The most valuable part of me is the part that dares to always accept, honor and respect the reality of what is.  I am in awe of its ability to look unblinking at the rawness of life's darkness and its brilliant Light.

    I am not afraid of my darkness; nor am I shy with feeling my Light.

    The capacity of the human spirit leaves me in awe.

    Just when I thought I was broken beyond repair….I caught a glimpse of innocence.

    It was my innocence that carried me forward.

    "Forgive them, they know not what they do…" is correct.

    When I knew me better…I did better.

    I continue to learn and grow and expand and find new adventures.  I don't know who I will be when I grow up; but I am thoroughly enjoying this ride.

    The darkest roads led me to the most beautiful places….all the parts of me I had denied.

    Happy Birthday to me….and I will celebrate each new day…and joyfully honor each new part of being Me!

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  • Being Me!

    Eleven years ago, this day was the beginning of my end.  What felt like the worst day ever…turned out to be the best day ever.  

    The brutal reality of abuse sat its ugly self down and destroyed all of who I thought myself to be, taking with it my outer world and the steady pillars that I built myself upon.

    Nothing was left untouched.

    Inside of me was unrecognizable…and so began the journey of a million sorrows.

    It was to die while being born.

    To get rid of all the things that did not match this new reality.

    Looking at old relationships with new eyes.

    Seeing life as if for the first time…and how I was co-creating either more illusion or dancing with reality; regardless of its cost.

    I have lost much.

    I just listened to a podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert and she spoke about the fear of saying "NO"….and how we are afraid we will lose friends and/or family when doing so.   And, how she learned this was the truth. And, so did I.

    I have said "No" so many times; my No Muscle is very strong.  I have said yes to my truth which often meant having to disappoint or anger and enrage others.

    What an adventure to be authentically you!

    I was so lost 11 years ago; that I couldn't build another false self or I would not have ever found my soul.  I couldn't afford to pretend to pretend to pretend for another's peace, love or joy.

    I let volumes of people down.

    I left a religion.

    All for the sake of finding me.

    Of Being Me.

    It was wildly freeing and terrifyingly scary to disappoint the outside for inner peace.

    I had no clue who I would be at a future date….let alone who I was on that date 11 years ago.

    I was betting on nothing and losing everything for the unknown.

    As I sit here today I am so thrilled to be Me.

    I love that which I love.

    I find joy in what I find joy in.

    I am at peace with all of who I am and where I am.

    When a tragedy happens that completely destroys your world…it can be the end; or it can be the start of something completely magical.

    The old me died on that date 11 years ago and a new me was born.

    I love this new fluid ever changing unknown Me.

    I feel like I am a living work of Art…forever in the process of Being Me!

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  • Who are lost

    Once again I have misunderstood, or failed to appreciate, the spectrum and the effects of being abused.   How some lives are beyond difficult to manage and how others never reach a place of peace and wellness.  

    Peace and wellness or even wholeness comes in waves and spurts…starts and stops.  What I didn't know, is that while I feel I have been able to continue rising….others are left with an awkward life.

    A life that is very difficult to live.

    A life that doesn't appear to improve….but is maintained.

    My ability to work, to have a loving relationship, to create art, to do yoga, to speak my truth, to speak out loud, to exit toxic relationships, to honor others when they need space, to grant me space, to try new things, to travel, to write, to change the pattern of my childhood, to grow emotionally beyond my abuse, to intellectually expand my awareness, to connect with others…etc, all this wealth is beyond what many experience AFTER abuse.

    Some get left broken.

    I am damaged; but have been able to rise to a place that the abuse doesn't live out my life.

    I don't know the difference between us…How I was able to wriggle free of so many constraints that hold them prisoner.  Fears, anxiety, depression, addictions, to name a few.

    My main effect was denial.

    And, the only way out of denial is to embrace reality and truth.

    In doing so, I have lost many relationships.

    But, I feel that having a strong hold on reality spares me the side-effects of denial.

    I had a few sorrowful days, as I listened to "Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson.  Hearing about so many who are in prison…whose lives of abuse had terrible side-effects.

    I think, I thought….it was possible for all to reach a state of wellness/wholeness/peace/reality/love/harmony of mind, body and soul.

    When in fact, some of the damage is just too deep.

    This book also shows that evil isn't only the abusers, but that there are so many who fail to adhere to the truth and justice of life.  And, yet they hold a place in society that wields power over victims of crimes…many who are victims of abuse.

    The abuse after abuse is when others don't recognize the truth…and/or believe it.

    I felt the heavy burden of humanity.  The wrongs committed by far to many people.

    I am grateful beyond words where I ended up.

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    The things I lost….were nothing compared to what I have been able to hold onto…my peace, my love, my joy, my body, my mind, and my soul.  

    "I have lost the world; but have found Me.

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    I have found my strength, my courage and fearlessness…while others remain behind the gate to freedom…broken and too cripple to find themselves.

    Grateful…is too small of a word for what I feel.

    Just Mercy for those who are lost.

     

     

  • Able to live.

    "I am living my mother's un-lived life"  Gloria Steinem

    While listening to Gloria speak to Oprah…I heard her say these words.

    I know this to be true.

    There is a life that is beyond what we set out doing.

    A life that isn't bound by religion.

    Tied to family's perceived obligations.

    Where being responsible blocks the roads to a life we want to live.

    I also recognize that this sentiment may not enter into your awareness until you are older; when the life you lived and are living isn't the ones of your dreams. Where you dreams feel like distant memories.

    I can safely say that I had no grand visions of what my life would be…or even should be.  I was on a track of doing what was expected, and more importantly, what didn't upset the applecart. 

    I would say, I didn't freely consider Me and who that would look and present itself to the world.

    The choices I made were not conscious…in that I ever looked at how they would impact me; but rather each choice had a greater impact on my outer world and those around me.   I lived to serve others and to make things smoother- ironing out the wrinkles of other's bad choices.

    Is it a LIVED LIFE, if you use your life in a codependent way for others?

    Are you truly living your life; if none of your choices are solely based on your very own happiness?

    I believe there is a movement; an awakening of souls who crave to LIVE this life.

    Imagine the world where women are in control of their reproductive organs.  Isn't that odd that so many are not.  Literally; have no freedom to this.

    I know, that I have been seen as the mental one, the crazy lady who wants to destroy the church, religion and family.  When in actuality, I am trying to free women to live their own lives.  And, not be an appendage of the church and or mother.

    When some would say, "You are your mother's right hand…." it was literally true and her mind.  I was grown in her image; we moved as one.  And, I was also there to do much of what she didn't want to do or could handle or face etc.  I was groomed to be her front man to ward off so many things that would have over-burdened her.  

    And, the church owned much of my body.

    The un-lived life…is to be attached by invisible strings…to move only in step with the needs of church, faith, and family.

    The burden of this is beyond what my mind now can hold. 

    I cut the strings.

    I am no longer attached to anyone.

    I get to live the life that my mother wasn't able to live.

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  • Peace on Earth to Me!

    While listening to a novel, it came to me how I have changed myself twice in my life;  

    Once…to survive sexual abuse, I fled reality and lived an awkward life one step removed from reality; where my mind created stories about life…and I had very little contact with real reality.  I became someone different in order to keep the abuse at bay and to keep 'loving' parents.  It required that I would leave out parts of reality…the parts that would taint the family's image.  My mind began this process to protect me from knowing.  

    And the second, when reality came crashing in…when someone dared to speak of the darkness that tainted our family.  I woke up to reality and had to change to fit it.  I had to become one with reality; no matter how ugly and grief-stricken it was…or how much I would have to lose.  I had to lose it all to become who I am. 

     

    The grief I felt yesterday was the losses I have lived through. 

    How both of my transformations of self were so very costly.

    It leaves you without a home to return to.  A familiar landscape that welcomes you home.  It is to be without a hearth to rest upon.

    The emptiness and separateness, the belonging nowhere, often times is overwhelming.

    The novel was of the Jewish people returning to their homes after the war…to find nothing there.  No family.  A home; but with strangers inside.  They had to begin a new life; with so much missing.

    I don't understand what they lost. For, most lost loving parents. Parents that would have died to see their child spared.  They lost loving families.

    What I know of breaking the cycle of abuse in families is the loneliness of building a new legacy.  To be the generation that ends it, you start out on your own.

    Alone.

    You may have companions for awhile; but be prepared to end up alone.

    This is why most families of abuse continue passing the abuse on; no one wants to be alone.  Their needs are stronger than the need to change the legacy.

    There isn't a literal war that separates us.  

    The enemy lives within the family.  

    We become the enemy.

    I had to transform myself to stay in the family as a child.  And, then in order to stand against abuse; I had to transform myself to be different than family.

    To not be the enemy of my own children.

    The Jewish people lost all their valuables, their pictures, their family members.

    I have all they lost.

    I could return home.  

    The family is there.  

    But, they are hollow or empty of what I seek.

    Deaf to what I hear.

    Blind to what I see.

    Uncomprehending to what I say.

    It is to be a foreigner in your own home.

    There is no welcome there or feelings of comfort and peace for me.

    There is no going home again.

    It is to begin the process so someday my children, grandchildren, and their children  will know what home and love is.

    The loneliness I am forging through today is so they don't have to.

    The love begins with me.

    And, as I look forward and be here now….there is love.

    A love of value.

    A love of truth.

    A love of reality.

    A love of courage.

    A love of self, life, creativeness, freedom….

    While I have lost much….I have gained more.

    I have transformed abuse back to love.

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    Peace on Earth to Me…

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  • Not against Us.

    Some pages I earmarked from "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

    "But I see it differently.  I think perfectionism is just a high-end, haute couture version of fear.  I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, "I am not good enough and I will never be good enough."

    I knew this to be true.  How so many are stopped before they begin; due to the fear. What I didn't know was that it was personal fear of not being good enough…NOT that their Art wouldn't be good enough.   It isn't about the art….it is about how you feel about being you.

    And, this page….

    "It has taken me years learn this, but it seems to be the case, that if I am not actively creating something, then I am probably actively destroying something (myself, a relationship, or my own peace of mind.)"

    We can use our imagination to create something or to destroy something.  I am choosing more and more often to be creative.  I don't like how destroying thoughts feel inside of me.  Think on this….

    And,

    "By completely absorbing our attention for a short and magical spell, it can relieve us temporarily from the dreadful burden of being who we are.  Best of all, at the end of your creative adventure, you have a souvenir – something that you made, something to remind you forever of your brief but transformative encounter with inspiration."

    I truly believe that the more we are in the flow of creativity, the less we feel overwhelmed.  It is to give our minds, bodies and souls a break from life destroying thoughts.  The more you create, the more you think about what else you can create.

    And, lastly…(although I am not done yet….)

     

    "Choosing your Delusion"

    "Is this delusional?"

    "Is it delusional to me to place an infinite trust in a force that I cannot see, touch, or prove – a force that might not even actually exist?"

    "Okay, for the sake of argument, let's call it totally delusional."

    "But is it any more delusional than believing that only your suffering and pain are authentic? Or that you are alone – that you have no relationship whatsoever with the universe that created you? Or that you have been singled out by destiny as specifically cursed? Or that your talents were given to you for the mere purpose of destroying you?"

    "What I'm saying is this: If you're going to live your life based on delusions (and you are, because we all do), then why not at least select a delusion that is helpful?"

    "Allow me to suggest this one:"

    "The work wants to be made, and it wants to be made through you."

     

    I love this idea, that we can be plugged into a delusional stream…..and we may as well make it positive and one that is for us….not against us.  

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  • Toxic Doses of Religion

    A young friend sent me the following link…

    http://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/

     

    A great article on the effects of strict religions. 

    What struck me was this…

    "A symptom like one of these clearly has a religious component, yet many people instinctively blame the victim. They will say that the wounded former believer was prone to anxiety or depression or obsession in the first place—that his Christianity somehow got corrupted by his predisposition to psychological problems. Or they will say that he wasn’t a real Christian. If only he had prayed in faith believing or loved God with all his heart, soul and mind, if only he had really been saved—then he would have experienced the peace that passes all understanding."

    "But the reality is far more complex. It is true that symptoms like depression or panic attacks most often strike those of us who are vulnerable, perhaps because of genetics or perhaps because situational stressors have worn us down. But certain aspects of Christian beliefs and Christian living also can create those stressors, even setting up multigenerational patterns of abuse, trauma, and self-abuse. Also, over time some religious beliefs can create habitual thought patterns that actually alter brain function, making it difficult for people to heal or grow."

    "The purveyors of religion insist that their product is so powerful it can transform a life, but somehow, magically, it has no risks. In reality, when a medicine is powerful, it usually has the potential to be toxic, especially in the wrong combination or at the wrong dose. And religion is powerful medicine!"

    Here is what I have known, but just couldn't articulate; the toxic dose of religion and its consequences.

    My other concern was the child's brain….and how we are born in captivity; that we don't get to mindfully choose a religion – we are saturated in it.  And the ultimate cost this has on the individual and their sense of self.  

    What is so frustrating, is that when you are talking to those who haven't left the church, is that due to their upbringing, you are speaking to someone who has been traumatized…whose view of the world is skewed; coming from whence they came.

     

     

    "In this discussion, we focus on the variants of Christianity that are based on a literal interpretation of the Bible. These include Evangelical and fundamentalist churches, the Church of Latter Day Saints, and other conservative sects. These groups share the characteristics of requiring conformity for membership, a view that humans need salvation, and a focus on the spiritual world as superior to the natural world. These views are in contrast to liberal, progressive Christian churches with a humanistic viewpoint, a focus on the present, and social justice."

     

    Religion Exploits Normal Human Mental Processes.

     

    "To understand the power of religion, it is helpful to understand a bit about the structure of the human mind. Much of our mental activity has little to do with rationality and is utterly inaccessible to the conscious mind. The preferences, intentions and decisions that shape our lives are in turn shaped by memories and associations that can get laid down before we even develop the capacity for rational analysis."

     

    "Aspects of cognition like these determine how we go through life, what causes us distress, which goals we pursue and which we abandon, how we respond to failure, how we respond when other people hurt us—and how we respond when we hurt them. Religion derives its power in large part because it shapes these unconscious processes: the frames, metaphors, intuitions and emotions that operate before we even have a chance at conscious thought."

     

    Some Religious Beliefs and Practices are More Harmful Than Others.

     

    "When it comes to psychological damage, certain religious beliefs and practices are reliably more toxic than others."

     

    "Janet Heimlich is an investigative journalist who has explored religious child maltreatment, which describes abuse and neglect in the service of religious belief. In her book, Breaking their Will,Heimlich identifies three characteristics of religious groups that are particularly prone to harming children. Clinical work with reclaimers, that is, people who are reclaiming their lives and in recovery from toxic religion, suggests that these same qualities put adults at risk, along with a particular set of manipulations found in fundamentalist Christian churches and biblical literalism."

     

    1) Authoritarianism,creates a rigid power hierarchy and demands unquestioning obedience. In major theistic religions, this hierarchy has a god or gods at the top, represented by powerful church leaders who have power over male believers, who in turn have power over females and children. Authoritarian Christian sects often teach that “male headship” is God’s will. Parents may go so far as beating or starving their children on the authority of godly leaders. A book titled, To Train Up a Child,by minister Michael Pearl and his wife Debi, has been found in the homes of three Christian adoptive families who have punished their children to death.

     

    2) Isolation or separatism,is promoted as a means of maintaining spiritual purity. Evangelical Christians warn against being “unequally yoked” with nonbelievers in marriages and even friendships. New converts often are encouraged to pull away from extended family members and old friends, except when there may be opportunities to convert them. Some churches encourage older members to take in young single adults and house them within a godly context until they find spiritually compatible partners, a process known by cult analysts as “shepherding.” Home schoolers and the Christian equivalent of madrassas cut off children from outside sources of information, often teaching rote learning and unquestioning obedience rather than broad curiosity.

     

    3) Fear of sin, hell, a looming “end-times” apocalypse, or amoral heathens binds people to the group, which then provides the only safe escape from the horrifying dangers on the outside. In Evangelical Hell Houses, Halloween is used as an occasion to terrify children and teens about the tortures that await the damned. In the Left Behind book series and movie, the world degenerates into a bloodbath without the stabilizing presence of believers. Since the religious group is the only alternative to these horrors, anything that threatens the group itself—like criticism, taxation, scientific findings, or civil rights regulations—also becomes a target of fear."

    What many will not even be able to bring in, IS the effects of being raised in the FALC or similar religions.  It definitely comes with a price tag on the human psyche. And you know nothing different.  It is the air you have been breathing since a very small child.   

    Here is more:

     

    Children are Targeted for Indoctrination Because the Child Mind is Uniquely Vulnerable.

     

    Here I am, a fifty-one year old college professor, still smarting from the wounds inflicted by the righteous when I was a child. It is a slow, festering wound, one that smarts every day—in some way or another…. I thought I would leave all of that “God loves… God hates…” stuff behind, but not so. Such deep and confusing fear is not easily forgotten. It pops up in my perfectionism, my melancholy mood, the years of being obsessed with finding the assurance of personal salvation.”

     

    "Nowhere is the contrast of viewpoints more stark than in the secular and religious understandings of childhood. In the biblical view, a child is not a being that is born with amazing capabilities that will emerge with the right conditions like a beautiful flower in a well-attended garden. Rather, a child is born in sin, weak, ignorant, and rebellious, needing discipline to learn obedience. Independent thinking is dangerous pride."

     

    "Because the child’s mind is uniquely susceptible to religious ideas, religious indoctrination particularly targets vulnerable young children. Cognitive development before age seven lacks abstract reasoning. Thinking is magical and primitive, black and white. Also, young humans are wired to obey authority because they are dependent on their caregivers just for survival. Much of their brain growth and development has to happen after birth, which means that children are extremely vulnerable to environmental influences in the first few years when neuronal pathways are formed."

    "By age five a child’s brain can understand primitive cause-and-effect logic and picture situations that are not present. Children at this have a tenuous grip on reality. They often have imaginary friends; dreams are quite real; and fantasy blurs with the mundane. To a child this age, it is eminently possible that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and delivers presents if you are good and that 2000 years ago a man died a horrible death because you are naughty. Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, the Rapture, and hell, all can be quite real. The problem is that many of these teachings are terrifying."

    "For many years, one conversion technique targeting children and adolescents has been the use of movies about the “End Times.” This means a “Rapture” event, when real Christians are taken up to heaven leaving the earth to “Tribulation,” a terrifying time when an evil Antichrist will reign and the world will descend into anarchy."

    "When assaulted with such images and ideas at a young age, a child has no chance of emotional self-defense. Christian teachings that sound truewhen they are embedded in the child’s mind at this tender age can feel true for a lifetime. Even decades later former believers who intellectually reject these ideas can feel intense fear or shame when their unconscious mind is triggered."

    Harms Range From Mild to Catastrophic.

    "One requirement for success as a sincere Christian is to find a way to believe that which would be unbelievable under normal rules of evidence and inquiry. Christianity contains concepts that help to safeguard belief, such as limiting outside information, practicing thought control, and self-denigration; but for some people the emotional numbing and intellectual suicide just isn’t enough. In other words, for a significant number of children in Christian families, the religion just doesn’t “take.” This can trigger guilt, conflict, and ultimately rejection or abandonment."

    "Others experience the threats and fear too keenly. For them, childhood can be torturous, and they may carry injuries into adulthood."

    "Still others are able to sincerely devote themselves to the faith as children but confront problems when they mature. They wrestle with factual and moral contradictions in the Bible and the church, or discover surprising alternatives. This can feel confusing and terrifying – like the whole world is falling apart."

    Delayed Development and Life Skills.Many Christian parents seek to insulate their children from “worldly” influences. In the extreme, this can mean not only home schooling, but cutting off media, not allowing non-Christian friends, avoiding secular activities like plays or clubs, and spending time at church instead. Children miss out on crucial information– science, culture, history, reproductive health and more. When they grow older and leave such a sheltered environment, adjusting to the secular world can be like immigrating to a new culture. One of the biggest areas of challenge is delayed social development."

     

     

    It affirms what I have experienced and witnessed in so many who have left the church or as you speak to those still inside….

    There is a new term for it;

    "Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a new term, coined by Marlene Winell to name a recognizable set of symptoms experienced as a result of prolonged exposure to a toxic religious environment and/or the trauma of leaving the religion. It is akin to Complex PTSD, which is defined as ‘a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim’."

    "Though related to other kinds of chronic trauma, religious trauma is uniquely mind-twisting. The logic of the religion is circular and blames the victim for problems; the system demands deference to spiritual authorities no matter what they do; and the larger society may not identify a problem or intervene as in cases of physical or sexual abuse, even though the same symptoms of depression and anxiety and panic attacks can occur."

    This what a toxic dose of religion can do to a body, mind and soul.  

    "Religious trauma is difficult to see because it is camouflaged by the respectability of religion in culture. To date, parents are afforded the right to teach their own children whatever doctrines they like, no matter how heinous, degrading, or mentally unhealthy. Even helping professionals largely perceive Christianity as benign. This will need to change for treatment methods to be developed and people to get help that allows them to truly reclaim their lives."

     

    One of the most exasperating ideals is to see the toxicity of religion…when it is so protected and placed away from normal scrutiny.  It gets left to do as it will; under the auspices of faith.

    Who wants to question a church/religion and place themselves between God and servant?  To challenge their minds and what they believe and the cost of their ticket to heaven?   To show them that their religion not only has negative affects psychologically, it also has created the perfect victim for abuse, because of it.

    The circuitous flow is hard to disrupt…

    This is the why I have turned away from religion; I overdosed on it.

    The toxicity of the FALC is beyond what my mind can sometimes hold.

    I appreciate this article for helping to clarify what I know to be true….in my experience.  

    Thanks to my young friend, who like me….has left the church.  And, is trying to find balance and restore wholeness after being subjected to toxic doses of religion.

     

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