I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • A Tutu and Works of Art

    Wearing a Tutu elicits so many different responses…within and from the outside.

    "I don't need attention that bad…" was one of the negative thoughts spoken out loud.

    My own sentiment from long ago.

    But it wasn't about gaining attention…it was about having fun.

    A perfect opportunity to wear a Tutu is the Keweenaw Color Run/Walk!

    Being silly, childlike and filled with joy and happiness with yards of tulle dancing around your hips.  The Tutu begs for you to dance around, twirling…

    In the past, I didn't have within me the space to do this.  

    I felt so pleased that I was able to do this with grace and not shame or embarrassment.

    I was in a place where the Tutu didn't define me, but added fun to my already happy state!

    I was able to meet the Tutu and join its energy of play.

    My first ever Tutu wearing at 56.  I loved it!

    As we waltzed down the street covered in colors from head to tow, with the dancing Tutu, a family was exiting a church.  A young child clutching his Sunday School paper,  looked at us with great interest. The mother's face showed her disproval in her tight lips and adverted eyes.  

    The perfect clash into her Sunday of worship…were 6 Tutu ladies, walking to start the week of Pride at Michigan Tech.

    Our playful, fun and laughter met up with the seriousness of worship.

    Did the child ask about us?

    Did she respond?

    I can't know know know what truly went on after our brief few second encounter; but I felt her non-acceptance of us.

    We clashed with her ideals and beliefs….what she was striving to instill in her child at their place of worship.  The very demons she is hoping to spare him from were yards away…on the sidewalk in front of the church.  

    Tutu wearing Pride walkers.

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    I was her years ago.

    I don't know what I would have said or did say…if my children had witnessed a parade of walkers drenched in color merrily walking along…kicking off the start of Pride Week.

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    It felt so right that the walk began and was held during church hours.  It felt like our joyful walk, twirling dance of color and communion with others… was to offset the solemn energy of sinful talk…typical in many churches.

    The simplicity of community joining, was to me what church is all about.

    The acceptance of all and to have music, color and physical movement…moved our spirits to the level of joy.  That is church.

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    A church outside and one where Tutus are not only accepted, but needed…and our laughter the song that is sung!

     

    Then, in the afternoon, I went to church again.

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    This time, my Art Class was held in an old church.  Its space dramatically changed from its original; yet not.  

    Art fills the space and the old stainless windows bring in colorful light.

    The juxtaposition between the old use and new, is so striking.

    Both are in the business of Spirit.

    Yet, to me….Art is so much more joyful and uplifting. 

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    Art connects you with your inner well…and fills it.

    My old church labeled us Sinners.  

    We were not filled with positive energies, but subtracted from.  

    We were drained of spirit by the rules, beliefs and dogma that was preached.  

    Our individual expression frowned upon.  

    We were judged by our sins and the world was evil and to be feared.  

    In my Art Class there was no judgment and free expression was appreciated.  There were no rules or beliefs that we needed to learn.

    We arrived.

    The blank canvas awaited our paint.

    A group of individuals happily did as they felt drawn to draw.

    We each chose our colors, our design…we freely created in harmony.

    The church this time was total freedom.

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    What a beautiful use of a church.

    I love how my Sundays now are mostly used for Art.

    I would so go to this church EVERY Sunday.  I could stay all day and my soul would be overflowing.

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    (Michele's Art)

    I always left my old church…knowing I was a poor sinner.  One who could only hope would die with her sins forgiven…so I could escape Hell in eternity.

    This Sunday, I left the church feeling so excited to have experienced Heaven on Earth.

    Both of my Sunday experiences included friends and strangers….alike.  We joined to play and walk together in peace, love and joy!  No negative talk allowed.

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    In the back of my jeep was the remnants of my Joyful Sunday….

    A Tutu and Works of Art!

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  • Opportunity to Shine

    A trip of tests!

    First, our son's truck was broken into, his crucial papers stolen, along with his phone.  So began a search of getting his needed papers back up to Alaska, so he and his dad could drive through Canada.  With help from our daughter, the mail, and a bit of cash, things were ironed out.  All while traveling the highways and byways of Alaska.

    Things that were not replaced were special CD's he had purchased for his dad to listen to while they passed through back country.

    Then, our motor home didn't have a functioning furnace…and the temps dipped as low as the mid to upper 30's some nights, but averaged near 40- 45.  How to keep the sense of adventure when you are too cold to sleep soundly?  My husband wasn't phased at all…he said, this is what camping is about.   The Motorhome company reimbursed us 2 days for being uncomfortable for 11 days.   

    Camping has its quirks, but also its beautiful views.

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    This view is literally from our camper door!   Cool in more ways than one!

    The second hotel, charged my debit card twice….and wasn't 'able' to undo it until the morning.  I had wanted them to just undo everything and we would relocate to a new place.  But, we were held hostage in order to speak to the manager in the morning.   A hotel with a fabulous lobby and very outdated, not so clean rooms. (I typically judge a hotel by how clean the lobby is…not no more.)

    In the morning the Manager, undid all charges.  Yet, my bank online still doesn't reflect this.  We are still on the solving stage on this one.  The accounting department for my bank said it takes a few days to catch up.

    After a not so restful night in the sketchy hotel, I then walked into the lobby of my newest selection…and gave them my predicament. That, I had a hotel for two nights, but due to their incompetence, I left….and was willing to wait in their lobby, until a room opened up. 

    They had a room and allowed me to go in at 9:30am.  Offered me access to their breakfast bar….etc.  Baked cookies at 7pm tonight and are giving me a later check-out…like 1:30pm.  That allows me less time in the airport before my flight.  If you are in a need of a hotel near the Airport and one that offers Shuttle service, pick MicroTel by Wyndham.

    I love the juxtaposition of what goes wrong and the splendidness of what goes right.

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    Then, I while playing on my computer….an email came in. "You missed your flight!"

    I panicked.

    Jumped up to get my itinerary and sure enough, I had missed it….an hour ago.

    My heart raced and I quickly dialed up the airlines to see what could be fixed.

    Thinking, I was either going to be here a few days more OR paying up the nose to get home….I sweated while the patient agent tapped at her computer keys.

    Low and behold, I was able to get on my 'original in my mind' flight at no extra fees.

    What has been so interesting about these mishaps, is that they fit into the vacation and not ruin it.  My husband said, if they are something we can solve, they are no longer a problem.  I love that.

    The rainy days were accepted, the foggy ones too…as much as the most beautiful ones, we rode them out.  It didn't ruin anyones attitude or 'wreck' our vacation.

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    In fact we got to see the two sides of the same thing…to see them in both the dark and light.

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    It has shown me that I can flow and find creative solutions when things don't go according to plan.  

    I am adaptable.

    Going with the flow means to deal with things as they happen, staying with the solution instead of focusing on the "thought" this shouldn't be happening.

    It is amazing how others will help you as you seek to solve…and how quickly you rise into the new changes and find peace there.

    My husband and I ebbed and flowed with my son's life…as he tied up lose ends, it often left us at lose ends; but we easily converted from family to couple and back again.  We flowed from vacation to problem, back to vacation…keeping time with what was.

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    I adjusted to rustic camping along the ocean shores…roughing it…and back to hotel's luxuries.  

    I said yes, when in the past…no would have been the only option.

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     I revisited places where we had been before,  but took advantage of new views.

    The places had changed some…and so had I.

    My fear of heights are still with me, and it's a forever companion, that arises with feelings of anxiety.

    Roads without guardrails and steep drops keeps me alert…and I try and appreciate the grandeur these roads offer.  

    I would like to say I could live here, but the distances and drop edge roads would take some time to adjust to.

    Imagine how different we would view life, if we looked at how we solved things.

    Who we are is how we respond when things don't go according to the plan in your head; but our ability to stay with life as it unfolds.

    The bad…often gives us opportunity to shine.

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  • Ultimately Gain

    Palmer, my birth town.  My second visit there since I was two.

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    Just a small town street, who in 12 years has added a few updates.  New places to eat, some art and a new hospital.  

    I had wanted a picture of the place I was born, but it is now…

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    The DMV.

    My beginning.

    As I stepped into this garden, I felt a wave of emotion…

     

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    I felt it; but didn't try to define it.   The early years…my starting point; my past.

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    The beauty and immense expressions of Palmer…as it grows.

    I saw a display of an old creamery…my father worked at one. Was this his old working place?

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    Odd, how my birthplace comes with baggage too.

    Like a forever ghost riding shotgun….always.

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    It can't be just my birth town, my beginning….

    I am attached to them from my earliest of days.  Not a seed or plant that is separate in a garden.  Who arrived alone.

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    The extreme size and boldness amazed me…nature and I.

    Perhaps I am alone.

    Have always been.

    Even from a huge garden.

    It is about the individual.

    Who we are, what we are, and how we grow where we are planted…

    I have traveled a long way.

    To be who I am today.

    I felt the extreme and harshness of Alaska's beauty….and mine.

    We tend to aspire to calm perfect easy lives, and yet, it is the complications, challenges, and moments that require the most from us….that gives us our character.

    The moments that I have had the most to lose….it was in that moment, I was defined…and refined as Me.

    On the scale with me, was always something that I wanted badly.

    But I was on the scale too.  

    Me and _____.

    Who I am, is not created by the easy road; but by the roads I traveled that were the most hard.

    And, the hardest is to lose someone,

    to honor Me.

    And harder still, to release that person to live out their own karma, mistakes and lessons.

    To love by freedom.

    Knowing as they experience life's choices…the results are already written.

    I step aside and they freely go.

    Perhaps what grabbed me the most about the garden, is the closeness, the beauty and the roots.

    Sometimes it feels like I am a stringless balloon….or a jellyfish.

    Going with the flow.

    Being true to me,

    and reaching to what is my highest nature

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    Which often means, letting go of family and friends; to rise and reach my fullest expression of Me.

    As I stood in Palmer, I was reminded of my little self and the journey she agreed to, the steps she would take; and what she would lose….and ultimately gain.

     

     

     

  • Empowered to be you!

    After a week in Alaska, I noticed that the focus is more on individual; than blending in. The more you notice nature; the more you notice the nature of each individual.

    And, the race to compete monetarily is obsolete.  In fact, it seems wasteful to own things that are not pertinent to your survival and creature comforts.  

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    To be off the beaten path in so many ways.

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    It seems your passion is all you need to follow…and explore.

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    Even the trees seem to be exaggerating their differences…or, perhaps these forests accept the oddballs as wonderful additions to their landscape.

    I believe, that there are folks among us, who just can't find their step with the music of the rat race called life.  And, they find they can march to their own beat up here…and blend in when doing so.

    I talked to a woman, who came here 37 years ago.  She came on vacation, met and fell in love with a fishing boat captain.  They parted ways, in three years, but she stayed.  She winters in Hawaii.  In the summer, she is on the Spit in Homer selling her Art along with fellow artists.

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    She said many of the folks in Homer, head out to parts unknown each fall. And each fall it may be a new place.  I told her, they have to be very comfortable and even friends with the Unknown.

    A life of an eternal wanderer….except that Alaska is one place they all come back to.

    At first I thought of them as less fortunate; but most are choosing to follow a life that is creative unknown.  To explore new parts of the world…traveling light.

    Alaska makes no obligations on them…its wild nature matches their own.

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    The expectation only lies within you. You hear your own beat and step accordingly…

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    Being yourself eliminates the quandary of getting dressed. You dress for the weather and the activity….period.

    It appears foolish to prance around in fashion, instead of practicality.

    Alaska allows you to restore who you were born to be.

    It strengthens you with its harshness.

    It settles you with its beauty.

    It puts life into perspective with its very majestic mountains.

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    What concerns you….disappears in its grandness!   Your greatness overshadows what you perceived as wrong.

    Alaska heals and re-balances you…allowing you to truly feel empowered to be you!

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  • Empowered You.

    "Rescued Soul"   By Christina Enevoldsen

    "I felt Like Telling was Abusive"

    "Though I'd already confronted many of those fears and false beliefs about telling, like most things in the healing process, there have been many layers to this. Another layer started to surface in the year before my parents sued me for talking about my abuse."

    "I'd heard reports of my dad's deteriorating body and mind. Though I felt sorry for him, his vulnerable position also angered me.  My feelings confused me, but as I examined them, I discovered the source: I believed that I had to stop talking about my abuse now that my dad was in a weakened condition. Because my father was no longer physically, emotionally, or mentally stronger than me, I feared that I was taking advantage of someone who couldn't defend himself."

    "I was afraid that by talking about the things he did to me, I was discounting his personhood in the same way he'd done to me. I feared being abusive."

    "My mother has said of me:"

    "She has always longed for attention and recognition and the negative recognition is so satisfying to her."  

    "I regret to say that we raised her to be self-centered and spoiled."

    "She is also without scruples, vicious, extreme, and without boundaries or a conscience."

    "It's clear to me that my mother believes I've been wicked from a very young age and that, though they did their best to instill goodness into me, they were overpowered by the evil in me and by my strong will."

    "My parents groomed me to accept an identity that made life easier for them – to protect my parents' feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn't complain or protest."

    "As I examined what abuse really is, I realized that telling my story isn't abusive. Hurting someone's feelings isn't the same as abuse. Abuse is about powering over someone else.  I am not taking away my dad's power, I'm claiming my own power. I'm exercising my right to tell my story of my life."

    "As I faced the truth about my value and identity, I also recognized more universal truths.  I didn't cause my parents' emotional distress. My parents' distress came from their own issues.  To ask me to carry that responsibility for them was dysfunctional.  To have expected that of me as a child was wrong."

    "I dont' have the power to make them feel bad or good, though as a child, I believed that I had that power.  I worked hard to make them happy in the hope of being loved. But that was a fantasy that I'm not living in anymore."

    "My silence wasn't good for anyone – even for my abusers. Those types of secrets are destructive to everyone who keeps them. Truth doesn't destroy people or families; lies do. For incest to occur in a family, it takes more than just an abuser and a victim. It's part of an entire dysfunctional system."

    "Exposing my abuse gave the entire family an opportunity to heal and to learn more about heathy and functional ways to relate to each other. It was their choice to continue to live in the lies, but that doesn't mean they were harmed by the opportunity for another way to live."  Christina

     

    What is so interesting to me, is that we are made to feel abusive for speaking the truth about our feelings….and, for taking back our power.

    We are not taking away anyone's power.

    I totally get how we are made to feel abusive by telling our story. But, Abuse is about power. And, the only one whose power is affected, is our own.

    We are reclaiming our power!

    We are in a sense, making them powerless over us…and I suppose it does feel abusive to them in a reverse fashion.  Where once they had power in our lives…it is no longer true.

    They can feel how powerless they are with us, but that isn't the same as US taking away their power.

    There is a sleight of hands here in the nuance of power taking that leaves an adult child fearing they are being abusive when they speak their truth.

    For, once we were powerless and our parents and our families had power over us and our actions and our silence.  Once we break the link of powerlessness…and reclaim our power, IT leaves them powerless in our lives.  

    And, they take this powerless feeling and place the blame on us for making them feel powerless…like we are abusing them with our truth and taking back Our power from them.  

    Is it possible to be abusive for taking back that which is our right?

    If abused children/adult children could take this in, IT is the difference of being at peace with breaking the silence and not.

    It is to know, to the depth of your being, that You are not abusing anyone when you take back your own power.  

    Abuse is overpowering someone.  Not regaining power in your own life.

    All that really changed is the ownership of my power.

    I took ownership of my feelings, my truth and my life choices.

    Everyone and anyone is powerless in my life.  

    I no longer give my power to others. No matter what, you can't convince me against my will, my truth, my feelings, my emotions.  You will feel powerless in my life.

    Each of us has our own power.  

    If you are powerless, you gave it away;

    For love.

    For peace.

    For joy

    For wanting to fit in.

    For religion.

    For being accepted.

    For loneliness.

    When I am in full power and you are in full power…we have a perfect relationship.

    Love, true love is being fully empowered.

    I love everyone the same. I allow everyone the freedom to be empowered in their lives. 

    The real and most damaging aspect of abuse is the loss of power.

    I lived 46 years powerless in my life.

    It isn't the sexual act…although it is cruel and harmful in its own right….but the life without power after.

    The simple act of silence…depletes us of our power.

    Our voice.

    Our choice.

    Are taken away.

    We become powerless after the act of incest….which is more life changing than the act during the rape of our bodies.

    The greatest tool in recovering and healing is the reclaiming of self-empowerment.

    Which is why, I believe Art and being creative is a huge tool; it is working the muscles of choices.  Of choosing what you want to do and the freedom to do so.

    Today, just own, that speaking of your abuse isn't abusive; for you are reclaiming your power, not overpowering someone!

    Free will and the ability to make choices is to be empowered.

    Being empowered is the opposite of being abused.

    You are not abusing someone by breaking your silence….

    You are healing you.  

    You are giving yourself back your power; word by word…choice by choice.

    Loving yourself is to feel your own power and owning it!

    It is scary at first to grab it back from those who have owned it for years.

    It's okay.  It is the little girl/boy coming alive.  Reclaiming the life power that abuse took away.

    Going back to that wounded child and say what they feel….and know. 

    You are re-wiring your power connections.  It will leave others powerless over you.

    Own your life and feel your power, your uniqueness and brilliance…dare to be fully empowered You!

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  • Rejection isn’t about you!

    In Chapter 9 – "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevoldsen

     

    "Taking the First Step in Telling"

    "What I didn't know when I disclosed my abuse is that it's very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor.  That's especially true with incest survivors.  In incest families, the family system is a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret.  That system's survival depends on the secret, so they often sacrifice one member for the sake of the family."

    "In most cases, the survivor who is willing to talk about the abuse is the healthiest person in the family.  The survivor is the one who recognizes that truth and is most motivated to address dysfunctional patterns.  That is a threat to the family unit. The person who wants change is often viewed and treated as the enemy."

    "With incest, family members face divided loyalties. In dysfunctional families, it's more common to side with the perpetrator than with the victim.  That may be due to their own victimization from the perpetrator or unmet needs from the perpetrator.  Whatever the cause, survivors of incest are often rejected by their own family members, even if there is no doubt the abuse occurred."

    "Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful.  Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse.  They also may view it as an accusation that they aren't good parents for failing to protect the child."

    "Whatever the personal defenses, your family isn't likely to be the best source of support and understanding.  Telling a safe person who validates you makes it easier to go on to the next part of your healing.  When you disclose your abuse to someone who is compassionate, understanding, and accepting, it's a relief to know you're no longer alone.  However, sharing emotionally vulnerable moments with someone who is unsupportive may cause you to feel even more isolated."  Christina

     

    This is another affirmation of my journey.  In my experience this is completely true.

    Notice, most of the reasons they reject the one speaking out is for their own personal reasons.  It isn't about what is being said, but how it makes them feel or perhaps not want to feel.

    So, if you are one who is willing to speak of your abuse and the family is rejecting you, IT ISN'T YOU, they are rejecting; but parts of themselves.   Or, they also have needs of this family and are not willing to let them go.

    Family rejection isn't about the person they are rejecting…it is about keeping the family unit.  I knew this.  I have felt for years it wasn't about me.  

    Still, good to be affirmed on this.

    When you reject someone, it is about what you want to keep.  Who knew?

    So, you may as well do what you love….rejection isn't about you!

     

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  • When you have no choice.

    The life of secrets and hiding, is very complex and often misunderstood.  It isn't as clear as things being in the light of day.  There are mixed messages and hidden agendas and the dark contours leaves you mistrusting, not only the other person; but yourself.  Not to mention the circle of friendship.

    Often it is the person who backs away blamed for backing away.  And the secret, let alone the one who needs it kept secret, carries no burden of the separation.

    They believe that it is their right to live as they choose.

    And it is.

    But, with each choice we all make, comes a set of consequences.

    Some of your friends are okay playing along.

    Others, like myself…feel the "something" inside of me that wants Me to push away.

    I see it as my truth or my soul.

    In the circle of friendships and/or relationships, we are each responsible for what we bring into the space.

    And, also responsible for how we react or IF we react.

    I don't see how it is seen as a good friendship circle when any manner of actions are to be accepted.  Like the friendship alone has no boundaries.

    I don't recall in the past many years my having a desire to keep something a secret. If anything, I am too forthright.

    I love my circle to be secret free.

    For those who enter into a relationship with me, to feel the solid foundation of a moral code.

    My mother spoke of morals and values…but she couldn't live it.  In her circle, she forgave all manner of behaviors; the boundaries were unseen.

    I think each of us are asked over and over, in various interactions with others to clearly define WHO you are.  What you stand for, what you tolerate, how you enforce the energy in your circle that connects you with others.

    I don't mind the disconnecting.

    I know it is what I have to do in order to be me.

    Keeping my inner world at peace with my integrity…I move.

    I move closer to the truth…and, away from falsehood.

    It is as natural as breathing.

    I alone define my character.

    I will only take the blame for moving…not for creating something that caused me to move.

    Having this ability and the courage to follow it, has brought me a ton of freedom.

    Freedom to navigate and place boundaries.

    If you are unable to move…you are not free.  You are in a Love Bond.

    Bound in place.

    Love is free…always.

    You are free to hide and I am free to move away.

    This simple, yet profound freedom is to be healed from abuse.

    I will not willingly enter into an abusive relationship.

    Abuse is when you have no choice.

     

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  • Be Me!

    Is there anything to judge without the experience of truth…or perhaps your truth and the familiarity of its voice; your voice and your truth.

    How often do you think the bare truth of who you are is spoken?

    Who uses your voice and mind, if not you?

    To Judge was to make a reasonable conclusion.

    What is the reasonable conclusion of who you are?

    Do you know you…or do you know what you have to do in order to maintain peace and certain relationships, status, jobs….love.

    It came to me, as one who has learned to embrace the truth of who I am, where I came from and then….the small little voice I had ignored for years.  My soul.   That maybe the lack of true judgment comes for the lack of being you.

    How can you make a reasonable conclusion about others, IF you don't know who you are?  If you haven't proclaimed loudly this is who I am.

    In voice

    In action

    Alone, if need be.

    This is what I stand for…or against.

    Can you make a reasonable choice, if you have never reasoned with yourself?

    If you have never obeyed the whispers of your inner truth….and instead echoed the voices around you…how can you know what's your reason.

    I looked up "Reason"

    "a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event."

    "the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic."

    It is interesting to get to to the root of the reason, to boil things down and see what is your logic.  And, is it a logical conclusion or one that is based on group acceptance or an individual value point?  Or is it even based on the more selfish reasons of not wanting to be alone and different?

    I would bet, that more often than not, whether we judge or not, is based on selfish reasons, OVER reasons about the person in question,  themselves.  

    It never was about the other person…when I made the decision to exit a relationship; but about my own inner truths, emotions and feelings….my integrity.

    In order to be truthful to me, I said good-bye.

    Are the reasons self-loving, selfish, or to be loved and accepted?

    Why do we reason the way we reason?

    If you are not even truthful about the reason you made a reasonable conclusion, is it your truth?

    Again, judging or non-judging is way more about your inner world, your character, and your ability to speak and act your true nature….than it is about the person or situation you are judging.

    In my experience of the past 10 years of learning to live with the truth of being Me, all my decisions were about Me.  It was never about the other person.  It was about defining who I am.

    What I will accept, honor and respect…is what creates Me.

    I called it living inside out.

    It didn't matter how it felt or looked on the outside…it mattered a great deal on the inside as I began to form Me.

    Could I honor, love and respect me, was my first question.

    My focus was very narrow, it pointed inward at my heart and soul.

    It was to be born again, as an individual.

    The road of great resistance.

    10 years ago, I didn't know who I was…as a self.

    It was to go against all I was taught and raised to be; by those outside of me.

    In the past, my reasonable conclusion was based upon group mentality.  I literally could not conclude on my own…for I would have stood out in the group.  

    I thought as the church.

    I thought what was good for the family.

    My thoughts were based on how others would respond.

    I dodged confrontations and upsetting faces….by being agreeing with their reasons. 

    I often belittle or berated myself when I had a difference of opinion…and was applauded each time I went along.  I was accepted when I matched their reasons.

    What is so clear to me today, is that when I no longer took care to fit in, I was set free to be Me.  And, I got used to being my best friend and strongest supporter.

    I didn't know how weak and small I was, until I began stepping out.

    Or, how undefined I was.

    I didn't know me…but, I knew the group and what their needs were.  I was a complete stranger to my own desires.

    It has been a fascinating, terrifying, brilliantly tragic, wildly exhilarating, completely overwhelming, exciting beyond reason….to get to know me and Be Me!

    I would not trade my journey for anyones.

    How grateful am I…I get to be ME!

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    Actually, I can…..be Me!

     

     

  • Peace with What Is.

    I thought more on the word "Non-Judgment"  and, looked up a few definitions.  

    For at first, it seems fairly passive.

    "tending not to judge other people harshly or unfairly : not too critical of other people."

    "avoiding judgments based on one's personal and especially moral standards."

    "not making or expressing an opinion regarding a person or thing; impartial avoiding or tending to avoid making value judgments; tolerant, liberal, etc.

     

     

    That being said, there seems to be another more spiritual or conscious meaning to the word, non-judgement.

    "In its simplest form, non-judgment is acceptance."

     And, I looked up Acceptance.

    "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered."

    "the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.

    Is it possible, that if you don't accept a truth, fact or behavior…you are judging – If non-judgment is acceptance?

    That those who feel it is kinder or more christian-like to not judge are actually judging when they don't consent to receive this new information?

    Could it be possible that the very act of not changing their minds is judging reality based on their personal values and believes.

    What they feel is non-judging, is really judging; due to their non-acceptance.

    How I felt about non-judgment, when viewing it from the meaning of acceptance, was to accept all things.   

    There was nothing I was unwilling to accept.  And, in the act of receiving all manner of truths; I responded in-kind.

    It is to be, as Byron Katie says, a Lover of Reality.  

    I had to school myself to LOVE what is, and not hate and reject certain parts of life that are hard to take in.

    In fact, the harder it is to accept something, the further you are from reality.

    It amazes me that we will argue with reality.  And, again Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time.

    When you don't accept reality, all of it, you are believing in something that isn't real.

    The non-acceptance has you building another reality.

    What is most astounding, are the sheer numbers that don't reside in reality.

    In their minds.

    And, what I have found, is that dialoguing with these folks is a useless exercise.

    For, in their minds – their minds are made up. 

    There is a payoff for not changing their minds to see reality.

    Often it is to keep a husband, to be accepted by a group…to live their dream life.

    The body is in reality, and mind has not followed.  So, they live more in their minds than with what Is.

    And, we call this 'normal'.

    When I was struck dumb by how much my mind had created, compared to reality.  I vowed to follow the truth…and find normal. What I soon discovered was that I wasn't the only one who lived a few steps from reality.  It seemed most did.  Normal wasn't living with the truth. Normal as we call it, was to be selective with accepting reality.

    This selective acceptance IS what creates havoc in our worlds.

    As Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, "Our left mind takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."  

    Isn't it also very telling, when you can see the slip in other people's worlds, where they are not embracing all of life.   That you can see where their minds are deluded; but not yours.

    What does it take to be non-judgmental, to be fully accepting of all things?

    Why is this mere act so hard for people to live?

    Why does it appear that living a deluded life is better than one of loving reality in all forms?

    And, if you live with a deluded mind, is it easier to navigate the world?

    To me, coming from the land of delusion, I am determined to see all.  And, to not have my mind contort reality.

    I looked up Contort.  "Twist or bend out of its normal shape."

    Not accepting what is, you then have to bend or twist and struggle to make it work in reality.

    And, I often find myself belittled or called mental, because I won't distort reality.

    My left mind doesn't work anymore.  I can't weave the most plausible story.  I can only work with what is.

    Oddly, it makes my life easier and I have a harder time with the people whose minds love to contort reality.

    Our language doesn't communicate with each other.

    I can't see their contorted reality, and they can't see mine.  

    I love what is….not what isn't.

    Once you get used to the brilliance of reality in its raw form; its impossible to live outside of it.

    Often it is just me and reality….but, what a great companion!  

    My mind is at peace with What Is.

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  • Based on False Pretenses.

    Kindness, and its act of non-judging, creates a world outside of reality.  Where the bad behaviors are not seen, recognized, and a new reasonable conclusion brought in.

    Instead, out of kindness, and to be more loving, truth is not accepted.

    The many layers of consequences of non-judging astound me.

    Is this sort of kindness, even kind?

    And kind to whom?

    Who benefits the most?

    Is it really kind not to be in reality with someone?

    Isn't it like playing pretend?

    How did kindness and judging become at odds with each other?

    The most non-judging among us are the most untruthful.

    Who knew?

    In my experience, religion teaches not to judge, and so I no longer trust religion. I know, this will not sit well with many.  I just don't see how I could support a system that continues to reject the truth.

    What I knew was that my old religion played a huge part in keeping my father's secret; what I didn't know, was how.

    I mean I knew that they blessed his sins…to be good christians, you must.  But, I didn't know that by rejecting his truths over and over, they were literally living in a reality where abuse didn't live.

    The enormity of not judging someone to be kinder or a better christian, is mind blowing at best.

    To live in two worlds simultaneously…yet only one world gets talked about.

    The fake one.

    The truth is the silent reality no one talks about or acts upon…but it is there humming along in the background of your life.

    There is a breaking point for everyone. A time when all the unspoken, un-judged truths become too much to over-ride.

    When your ability to juggle two worlds collapses.

    You will pick one.

    I had read in Melody Beatte's book "Co-dependent No More" that 85% of folks who have a tragic truth enter into their worlds, will do more of what they did before.  Like folks who drank to get through life, will drink more after a huge event pops into their world.  

    That leaves 15% who will change their lives after a tragic, upsetting event.

    What I see now, is that 85% can't take the truth in and make a reasonable conclusion and adjust their worlds.  They are unable to judge the new information.  But, in order to keep this fake world going they have to do more to keep unaware. 

    Drink more, sleep more, more drugs, more busy, work more, etc…just to keep the distance between them and reality.

    The inability to be with the severe truths of life, is what keeps addictions going.  Perhaps the distance between your fake world and the real world is the volume of anxiety that stretches in between.

    What I know, is that while it was very traumatic to own the truths of my family initially, being with the truth has brought me peace, love and joy.

    My ability to reason a new conclusion of how I would engage or not engage with folks due to the truths of my life, has empowered me.

    Kindness and the inability to judge is very life constricting.

    You have to maintain a false life; which is very tough to do.

    A false pretense.

    I looked up the meaning of False Pretense.

    " is the obtaining of property by intentionally misrepresenting a past or existing fact."

    The property is life.

    To get the life you want by misrepresenting a past or existing fact or facts.

    It is to life a life that appears perfect; but you got it under false pretenses.

    What I know for sure, is that when the truth crashed into my fake life, I was left without an identity.  Or at least one that I was comfortable with.

    The truthful me wasn't accepted by those living a false life and who wanted to keep it.

    And, I literally was incapable of lying to myself anymore.

    I wasn't able to pretend to pretend to pretend.

    It is just good to understand the ramifications of living under false pretenses…that are gotten from non-judgement.

    My experience with people who are non-judgmental, is that they are non-accepting to new information that will tarnish the reputation or character of a person they know.

    They are choosing by non-judging; not acceptance of truth.

    Do you notice, too…that they will only be non-judgmental about family and friends; but can see clearly when it is a person they are not attached to.

    They will protect and posture to keep their false worlds going.

    You don't even know, know, know, that with kindness, you are creating a world that is far from reality.  You just want to be kind and loving with family….and friends.

    But, in the end, you truly don't end up with a kind loving family. You end up with all the truths, you didn't want to accept.

    Everything that wasn't based on truth and reality….slips away like a night time dream…leaving you with nothing to hold on to but the raw truth.

    So, when you think it is kinder to be non-judging, at least tell yourself the truth and know you are creating a relationship based on false pretenses.

     

    I am betting that Free Spirits live only in one reality…

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