I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Something to be Nostalgic for…

    More from Brene Brown's book – "Rising Strong"...under the heading "Rumbling with Nostalgia.

    "…When, I wiped the nostalgia off my history to uncover the real trauma behind many of those stories, I began to understand why we didn't talk about emotions growing up. Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even out ability, to be vulnerable. There's a reclaiming that has to happen."

    "Sometimes, the deep love we feel for our parents or the sense of loyalty to our family often create a mythology that gets in the way of our efforts to look past the nostalgia and toward truth. We don't want to betray anyone – we don't want to be the first to get curious and ask questions or challenge the stories.  We ask ourselves, How can I love and protect my family if I'm rumbling with these hard truths?  For me, the answer to that questions is another question: How can I love and protect my family if I'mnot rumbling with these hard truths?"

    "We know that genetics loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger.  In order to teach our children about rising strong, we first need to teach them the truth about their history. I've told both my kids, "Drinking may not be the same for you as it is for your friends.  Here's what you need to know and understand." I also don't frame my wild stories as war stories from "the good ole days."  Yes, I have wonderful family memories and stories of crazy adventures that I love to share, but when it comes to addiction, medical histories, and mental health, I believe that nostalgia is deadly."

    "Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap, puts her finger on some of the real dangers of nostalgia. She writes, "There's nothing wrong with celebrating the good things in our past.  But memories, like witnesses, do not always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We need to cross-examine them, recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain." 

    "Coontz suggests that the best way to reality-check our nostalgic ideas is to uncover and examine the tradeoffs and contradictions that are often deeply buried in all our memories. As an example, Coontz writes:

    "I have interviewed many white people who have found memories of their lives in the 1950s and early 1960s.  The ones who never cross-examined those memories to get at the complexities were the ones most hostile to the civil rights and the women's movements, which they saw as destroying the harmonious world they remembered. But others could see that their own good experiences were in some ways dependent on unjust and social arrangements, or on bad experiences for others.  Some white people recognized that their happy memories of childhood included a black housekeeper who was always available to them because she couldn't be available to her own children."

    "Coontz is careful to point out that the people who rumbled with their nostalgia didn't feel guilt or shame about their good memories – instead, their digging made them more adaptable to change. She concludes, "Both as individuals and as a society, we must learn to view the past in three dimensions before we can move into the fourth dimension of the future."   

    "There is a line in director Paolo Sorrentino's gorgeous and haunting film The Great Beauty that illuminates the pain often underlying nostalgia.  One of the main characters, a man reconciling his past while longing for love and relevance in his present life, asks, "What's wrong with feeling nostalgic?  It's the only distraction left for those of us who have no faith in the future." Nostalgia can be a dangerous distraction, and it can underpin a feeling of resignation or hopelessness after a fall.  In the rising strong process, looking back is done in the service of moving forward with an integrated and whole heart."  Brene

     

     

    When we bring up the discussion about sexual abuse in our childhoods, this is what we are up against…nostalgia – and our inability to be vulnerable, as well as being unfaithful to the love of parent and disloyal to the family.

    I agree wholeheartedly with Brene - How can I love and protect my family if I'm not rumbling with these hard truths?

    This is the oxymoron we are all faced with as we try and unscramble our childhood memories; those laced with sexual abuse.  

    We want to protect our families; while we are tearing them apart to sort out the abuse.  We want to love and protect our own children…yet, as we do so, it appears we are destroying the good memories of our own family.

    The exact thing can be said about religion…for most feel that their church is their extended family – my church family.

    How can you love and be loyal to the church while dissecting it for abuse?

    This is another road block into the unveiling of truth.

    And another road barrier is to be vulnerable.  

    I had to look that up to make sure I had it correctly.

    "Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm."

    I can see for victims, it is hard to be open to further attack or harm…to be, I guess, a willing victim.

    This is what we are asking children and adult-children of abuse to do. 

    I certainly changes the stories we have told ourselves…and our family…when you add abuse to the stories we tell.

    Again, how can you love and protect your family IF you leave out the truth about the abuse?  How can you even say, you love and protect, them if you are not sharing this truth?  

    Hiding the truth about sexual abuse or physical and emotional abuse; will not eradicate it.  It doesn't protect your family.  It doesn't ensure more love.  

    In fact it does the complete opposite…it leaves your family more vulnerable.

    How interesting.  

    If you are not vulnerable and honest, you will leave your family vulnerable.

    In dysfunctional families it seems everything we think we are doing and what we are holding on to, is often the opposite of what we think.

    It truly felt like I was being completely unloving and disloyal as I added truth to my childhood.

    As I sit here today, my nostalgia is overshadowed still with the new truths of the past  10 years.  The integrating what I thought and what is, hasn't settled down it nostalgia in the way, nostalgia feels.

    I had to look up nostalgia….

    "a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

    Another tragedy of sexual abuse in childhood….nostalgia.

    We may not know this feeling….a childhood of happy personal associations.

    Thinking of this.  I thought I was a non-sentimental person. For these feelings escaped me.

    Now, I believe they were not there to be had.

    Being sexually abused as a child removes the nostalgia from our life experience. 

    However, I feel like this time in my life will be my nostalgia someday.  

    I am in a good place in my story. 

    Where love, peace and joy are present.  

    Where I am awake and aware.  

    Where I have a voice and choice. 

    Where I am less afraid and say yes more.

    Where I am excited and okay with uncertainty.

    Where I know how strong I am.

    And, how resilient.

    Perhaps the further down the journey of life we go, the more we appreciate all the bends life takes us on.

    I know where I have been and I have confidence that I will be given who and what I need for each part of my journey forward.

    I will do my best to make this moment….something to be nostalgic for…

     

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  • Accepting a new reality.

    About Forgiveness….from Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong".

    "Rumbling with Forgiveness"

    "I've been engaged in a full professional rumble with the concept of forgiveness for ten years.  It has been glaringly absent from my work and all of my books.  Why?  Because I couldn't get to saturation – I couldn't find a meaningful pattern in all of my data."

    "I got very close before I wrote "The Gifts, but right as the book was going to press, I did three interviews, and what I learned during those interviews fell completely outside the pattern.  Ordinarily, that would be fine: Most research methodologies allow for what we call outliers.  If there are one or two small exceptions in the data, that's okay as longs the majority fall within the pattern. In grounded theory, though, there can be no outliers. Every story matters, and for your hypothesis to be valid, all your categories and properties must fit, be revenant, and resonate with  your data. If something doesn't work, you're not there yet. It's incredibly frustrating , but sticking to this principle hasn't failed me yet."

    "Then, several years ago, I was at church listening to Joe talk about forgiveness.  He was sharing his experience of counseling a couple who were on the brink of divorce after the woman discovered that her husband was having an affair. They were both devoted by the potential end of their marriage, but she couldn't forgive him for betraying her, and he couldn't seem to forgive himself, either.  Joe looked up and said, "In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die.  If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt."

    "I instantly buried my head in my hands.  It was as if someone had finally put the right sequence of numbers into a giant combination lock that I had been carrying around for years. The tumblers started turning and falling into place. Everything was clicking.  That was the piece that was missing. Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief.  I had been looking for patterns in people extending generosity and love, but not in people feeling grief.  At that moment it struck me: Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving that the willingness to embrace grief in order to forgive. To be forgiven is to be loved."

    "The death or ending that forgiveness necessitates comes in many shapes and forms.  We many need to bury our expectations or dreams.  We many need to relinquish the power that comes from "being right" or put to rest the idea that we can do what's in our hearts and still retain the support and approval others.  Joe explained, "Whatever it is, it all has to go. It isn't good enough to box it up and set it aside.  It has to die. It has to be grieved. That is a high price indeed.  Sometimes, it's just too much."

    "I spent the next couple of years revising the data through this new lens of forgiveness, this time including an ending, and the grief associate with that ending. I recoded and reworked my research, did more interviewing, and read through the literature.  I wasn't surprised to find a growing number of empirical studies showing that forgiveness positively correlates with emotional, mental, and physical well-being. A strong and clear pattern was emerging. This pattern would be affirmed when I read The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Archbishop Desmond Tutut and his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu."

    "Archbishop Tutu served as the chair of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and Reverend Mpho Tutu an Episcopal Priest, is the executive director of Desmond & Leah Tutu Legacy Foundation.  The Book of Forgiving is one of the most important books I've ever read.  I honestly did not have the words to adequately describe it to people after I finished it.  It not only confirmed what I had learned about forgiveness from Joe, but also supported everything I learned about vulnerability, shame, courage, and the power of story.  The book outlines a forgiveness practice that includes telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship Archbishop Tutu writes:

    "To forgive is not just to be altruistic.  It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that doesn't exclude hatred or anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: The depth of your love is show by the extent of your anger."

    "However, when I talk of forgiveness, I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person.  A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred.  Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent the perpetrator.  If you can find it in yourself to forgive, then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person, too."  

    So, forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act; its the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live. What the Tutus found in their work on forgiveness validates not just the importance of naming our experiences and owning our stories but also how rumbling with the process can lead to clarity, wisdom and self-love. So often we want easy and quick answers to complex struggles. We question our own bravery, and in the face of fear, we back down too early."  Brene 

     

    What I know to be true, in my experience, is this is forgiveness.  You are to literally sit with the loss and death of what was….and grieve.  It will then change OR renew relationships, and they might die.  This is a huge process to facilitate within yourself.

    This isn't what I was taught in the FALC religion…or in my childhood home.

    Imagine having this tool as a child and the freedom to use it?

    Imagine having it today…

    To me the great part of being sexual abused by someone you trust, and love, and are indebted to for food and shelter, is we are not able to end the relationship.

    We are instead forced to internalize our grief and carry on as if nothing traumatic has happened.

    It is the combination that destroys our soul.

    If you were abused by a stranger; you don't have to keep company with them….ever.

    The definition of Forgiveness above, is one that keeps reality real.  

    And, it empowers you….even if you have to face the grief accepting a new reality.

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  • Say Your Name

    More from Brene Brown…. "Rising Strong"

    "Man in the Arena" by Theodore Roosevelt

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat; who strives valiantly;….who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

    "While there are really no hard-and-fast absolutes in my field, there are truths about shared experiences that deeply resonate with what we believe and know. For example, the Roosevelt quote that anchors my research on vulnerability and daring gave birth to three truths for me:

    "I want to be in the arena.  I want to be brave with my life.  And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can chose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time."

    "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; its having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."

    "A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we're defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable.  Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you're not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."  Brene

     

    This analogy best describes how I feel when I try to communicate with many folks from the FALC.   

    Not only are they in the cheap seats, many don't even use their names while commenting on the blogs. But, they are free to hurl feedback hiding behind an initial.

    It's no wonder I feel like I am laying on the arena floor dusty and spent….and look up to the cheap seats; which are hidden from my view and I am trying to do an authentic dialogue and it fails.  I forgot to remember; they haven't entered the arena floor. 

    I so love, that if you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked….your opinion doesn't count.  

    Say your name.

    Show your face.

    Be willing to be on the arena floor…..or be silent.

    The distance, and character, between those who have been on the floor, who use their real names, and those who are in the shadows is quite vast.

    Can there even be a real exchange under those circumstances?

    Don't we at the very least have to say our real name?

    Show up as ourself?

    Who are you if you can't enter the conversation about sexual abuse and religion without hiding yourself?

    I don't get this.

    I truly don't.

    Why is it, that you hide?

    To what end?

    And, while I and a few others stand on the floor of the arena, open and exposed, you feel the need to be in the shadows while criticizing our battles. 

    Can we really face abuse with faceless people?

    For the few who bring their faces…I respect you.

    And to the faceless ones; I am not interested in what you say…for how can I trust what you say, when I can't even see who you are.

    I believe our words are connected with our lives.

    If you disconnect your words from who you are….they are just words.

    To truly enter the arena of abuse; you have to say your name.

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  • Rise Strong

    I am in awe of Malala; she was on Oprah's Soul Series.  

    http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Oprah-and-Nobel-Peace-Prize-Winner-Malala-Yousafzai-Video

    What I know to be true, is she is right; they can kill her, but they will not stop the movement; her mission is to educate girls around the world.

    She also said, the only thing the Taliban killed was fear, weakness and hopelessness….and what was born, was Strength, Power and Courage.   

    I needed to hear this.  

    At times my voice, for children who were abused, are being abused and are living with the affects of abuse; seems faint and often is criticized.  That the rumble opposing me is loud and justified.

    By watching what one person who dares speak out can do….it inspired me and filled me with hope…and grace.  To dare speak up…

    I loved how she said, "She could either be silent and be killed, or speak out and be killed." And, she choose the second.   

    A great role model for us all…and something I needed to hear today.

    The more us women stand and raise our voices to end the suffering and injustice for women; it will change the future for generations to come.

    It was so telling to hear her father speak how he was raised his daughter different than most men. And, that choice allowed his daughter to use her voice when the time came.  To speak her opinions and feelings.

    Her being the bravest girl; began when her father valued her.

    This too, had me in tears.  Imagine what love can do.  Love, he says is Freedom.

    I agree.

     

    In Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong" – under the heading "The Badassery Deficit", she writes:

    " I know, badassery is a strange term, but I couldn't come up with another one that captures what I mean.  When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up, and say "Damn. That really hurt, but this is important to me and I'm going in again" – my gut reaction is, "What a badass."

    "There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging their pain, they're inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they're choosing to live disappointed.  Emotional stoicism is not badassery.  Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery.  Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery."

    "To me the real badass is the person who says, "Our family is really hurting. We could use your support." And the man who tells his son, "It's okay to be sad. We all get sad. We just need to talk about it." And the woman who says, "Our team dropped the ball. We need to stop blaming each other and have some tough conversations about what happened so we can fix it and move forward." People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are real badasses."

    "Daring is essential to solve the problems in the world that feel intractable: poverty, violence, inequality, trampled civil rights, and struggling environment, to name a few.  But in addition to having people who are willing to show up and be seen, we also need a critical mass of badasses who are willing to dare, fall, and feel their way through the tough emotion, and rise again.  And we need these folks leading, modeling, and shaping culture in every capacity, including parents, teachers, administrators, leaders, politicians, clergy, creatives, and community organizations… Brene

    Again, what inspiring words to read.  I really am a Badass…

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    I am willing to feel the darkness…and rise strong!

     

     

  • It is so.

    On Evelyn's blog,

     http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/

    I was told I was "Insulting".  It came as a surprise; but not so much.

    I had to look up the word "Insult" to see if my intentions fit the definition.

    "Speak to or treat with disrespect – or scornful abuse.   To affect offensively or damagingly."

    The conversation is about sexual abuse within the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church).

    How did I insult them?

    I am a past member.

    I was also victimized by sexual abuse while being a member.

    In my experiences, many (but not all) parishioners knew.

    No one contacted the police; upon knowing about a perpetrator (my father).

    My viewpoint is from here.

    And, it is insulting to (some) if not all, members.

    My 'sweeping' generalizations are affronting and off putting and are treated as false accusations.

    I have sat with this.

    They (most, but not all) don't like to be clumped together.

    So, I tried to see them as individuals; separately IN their beliefs.

    Trying to not lump them as one moving ameba.

    Here is what I know of their beliefs; for at one time I believed it to be so.

    Women are not allowed to;

    Use birth control

    Color their hair

    Paint their nails

    Wear make-up

    And, I am sure Tattoos are out.

    I lived by this ideology for 46 years.  The church (Beliefs) owned my body.  I believed it was a sin to do thee above.  It was many years after leaving the church that I realized I now owned my body.

    As far as I know; the women of the church still believe this to be true.

    Just this alone; makes them one.

    They all align themselves underneath these beliefs.

    Certainly there are other factors in their lives that are different….but, there are so many life controlling beliefs that create an image of being of one mind.

    To those who have had free will, where their bodies are concerned, this will seem madness.

    Another part of the belief system is controlling what the body does and where it goes….what is acceptable and what is not.

    I am guilty of seeing them as one large belief system, moving around under the control of consenting beliefs about their bodies and sins.

    So, not only are they told what they can and can't do with their bodies, they are also told where they can and cannot go.  Certainly, there are places that are neutral, but it is the idea, that they agree to being controlled.

    I know, that while under the spell of trying to remain sinless; they inadvertently become one.

    I am almost certain my sharing experiences of ill behavior was equally as insulting as making sweeping generalizations and keeping them in a group.

    I don't find that I am insulting them; but instead pointing out where they perhaps, are insulting themselves.

    I am not being disrespectful; but respecting their beliefs…and yet am told I am insulting them.

    I don't believe they know or are aware of their sameness and yet are.

    It is a sleight of hands…within their own minds.

    I literally tried to keep my end of the conversation about me and my experiences.  

    There is a saying about speaking and tossing paint out to see where it sticks.

    To me, those who rise rapidly in defense…the paint is sticking.

    My words struck a cord…somewhere.

    The second part of being told I insult folks was to look at what I was saying and how I could water it down to lessen the bite.

    Immediately, I felt that to make them appear kinder….would water down my experiences.  It would be to disrespect me; or insult my truths.

    Purposefully and for the sake of their 'comfort'.

    I won't.

    Here is the dilemma the members of this church (most) are facing.  If the truth about abuse and the lack of reporting etc are too insulting to hear….how can they change what they don't acknowledge?

    It appears they have no troubles finding fault in me, my delivery, my recounting, and the way I see most members.

    I am insulting; not that abuse within the church is.

    When faced with the challenges…I feel I have lost the battle.

    The battle being to have adults step up to help the children.

    What am I supposed to do or say, when they quickly attack the messenger.

    It stuns and amazes me the antics of the wily mind.

    Another part of the discussion that has me at a disadvantage, is that most; but not all, don't use their names.  Some a first name, many just their initial. 

    It is to be in a roomful of people who can see me; but I can only see a few, the rest have their faces blacked out.  I don't know to whom I am speaking or by whom I am being called insulting.

    This discussion, I feel doesn't even get to leave the gate…for it is stalled by their unwillingness to welcome the truth no matter how it walks through.

    I left it saying perhaps they need someone with a gentle kind manner to deliver the goods.

    But deep in my bones, I know it isn't me….personally.  It is what I am carrying.

    I made a quilt today.

    A Peace on Earth, Quilt….and before I could walk away….I felt the words were missing something.

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    They were. 

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    "To Me."

    "Peace on Earth to Me…."

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    If each of us were to keep peace inside of us; we would have a peaceful world.

    To do this for me, I must honor me.  

    My past

    My feelings

    My truth as I know it.

    How will watering it down save a child?

    How will making the church kinder and sweeter be of use….when, in my experience it isn't so.

    This is, what I believe they(many) are doing; in hopes that if they believe in the kindness of its members….abuse will walk away.

    Sadly, it isn't abuse that walks away. Abuse stays; while good intentioned people are not believed, called insulting…etc.

    You all are together within the church…who is in there with you?

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    Certainly, I who is on the outside….isn't doing the abuse inside.  The harm isn't coming from outside of this religion…

    It is inside…and I, on the outside, am trying to tell you it is so.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Bring a Child Peace

    Each time the topic of sexual abuse arises within families of the FALC (first apostolic lutheran church), the first line of defense is "the church isn't to blame for the failings of individuals"…

    It is like they can't bear to have their church lumped in with the abusive families….even IF the abusive families are members.  

    Even if the foundation of the churches teachings go hand and hand with the agenda of the perpetrators.

    The core belief is the "forgiveness of sins" and each time this subject comes up, there is one in the crowd who will remind us "there isn't a sin to big to forgive" or "all sins are to be forgiven".   Meaning, we will serve the abuser our forgiveness of the evil act he/she has done.

    Secondly, the churches rules for women in particular is that their bodies are not their own.  They are unable to do with them as they please…for to do so is a sin.

    Each family within the church structures their lives and homes to echo the teachings of the church….and yet when abuse enters, they want to sever the church from the sins.

    If I felt to the depth of my being that the morals and values of the church honored and respected women and children, I would be less critical of the church when addressing abuse by its members.

    It is my belief that most members of the church are 100% Christian. That their goal in life is to be compliant to the church at all costs.  Even the cost of innocent lives.

    I know this will enrage and insult many.

    I also know, that children within the church are suffering in silence due to this very strong belief among its members.

    Their faith is first.

    Always.

    No matter what.

    How dare you even attempt to smear its reputation.

    Reputation for what, I ask?

    We (those inside and outside of the church) need to start a constructive dialogue, but each time we begin, we are shut down.

    The double edged sentiment that they are for the children is so hard to see and believe, when the first thing they defend is the church.

    Is it possible to lay the church down and talk about abuse?

    Is it possible to put aside the forgiveness of sins and talk about who did what to whom?

    Is it possible for women who have been subjected to limited freedom to now stand up and walk and talk with courage?

    The biggest hurdle is for them to lay down their faith and put aside their beliefs to enter into the arena of sexual abuse.

    To see clearly and hear horrific truths about the members of their church.  Can they?

    Members of their families…extended families, folks they share a pew with each Sunday.

    Will they place the title "Christian" on the ground and see the monsters?

    My mother, EVEN after seeing her husband in an orange jumpsuit, STILL didn't want to hear about her husband; different than her ideal of him.

    Denial is running rampant.

    And, in my experience, the forgiveness of sins is a major contributor….for it wipes away reality so the abuser once again is a clean christian man/woman.

    In order for the voices of the abused to be heard, the church and its agenda has to be set aside.  And, knowing this, makes it a huge fence that allows the abusers to abuse un-seen and un-reported.

    Imagine?

    When a victim of sexual abuse comes forth, will a church member hear or only defend their faith?

    We the victims know what is important by what you defend.

    When you come out of the gate with words of not wanting your church to be equal to the 'failings' of its members….

    Faith wins and Victims lose.

    Abusers wins and the abused lose.

    And you cannot in good conscience say you are against abuse.

    You are against anyone 'trashing' your church based upon the sins of its members.

    Oh, and another thing, once I am again upon the soap box.

    To say "abuse is everywhere, in every neighborhood and church…." 

    To 'lessen' the impact that has when found in the christian families….incites me.

    For sure the FALC doesn't own the sole market on abuse; but its numbers are staggering.  Incredible the lineage of families that have abuse weaved into their legacy.

    And, if you understood the perfect climate for abuse, the church ranks very very high, due to is strict rules and lack of freedom for its member…plus that nifty wiping away mechanism for sins.

    The Old Apostolic church "Elder Board" just recently told its members that it is "okay" to report abuse to the law.

    Yes, that's right.

    Has the FALC done the same?  Is it in the Greetings of Peace?

    Just as you can't bear a discussion where your church/faith and beliefs are questioned, I can't find a way to discuss this without including it.

    Hence the silences.

    Who is willing to give up their long held beliefs for the sake of a child?

    Oh, and here is the link to a blog that started this….

    http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/#comment-10806

     

    When you think of God's peace….think of what would bring a child peace.

     

     

  • In Charge of Me.

    "Relax, you are not in charge" was the thought that arose in Yoga today…as my left hip joint felt like it was strung way way too tight.

    As I stayed in a posture, I could almost feel the constricted joint…and I asked the question while rubbing where it screamed in pain; what belief or thoughts is creating this?  What came was for me to relax for I wasn't in control.

    Instead, I could relax and let it be.

    I wasn't in charge of anyone but me.

    I don't know, if there ever was a time that I felt this to the DNA of Me….this letting go of being in charge.

    As I write this, I also know that those of us who were abused, need this facade in place so not to see/feel/hear the trauma of abuse. We need this false sense of being in control in an otherwise uncontrolled environment.

    If we keep us in charge; than the world will not go to hell in hand basket.  

    In our minds we need to believe we are in control in an out of control world.

    So we stay in control of everything.

    We hold ourselves accountable for things we can no way control.

    This ridiculous belief that saved me from feeling out of control has now outlived its use.

    Relax, you are not in charge.

    If their world falls apart….it does.  If all hell breaks loose, oh well.  Like I actually was making any headway in anyone's life anyway.  They all were going merrily on their way….while I felt in charge of them.

    In charge, so not to see the mess beneath.  I used my mind to work at taking charge instead of seeing them out of control.

    It actually was the sleight of hands…for I would see them as they were about to plunge and try to save them; for I was in charge IF they fall.

    Relax, you are not in charge.

    You didn't put them on the precipice…nor are you the one that sends them over.

    My hand in their lives…has been withdrawn.

    My hand that felt the need to save…to pull them back, to be in charge.

    Relax and let them go.  For going is what they want most.  It is the pull of their journey that tugs them.

    This will be my new mantra…when I feel the urge to control or be responsible.

    "Relax, you are not in charge…."

    I now can be okay when life falls apart….for I wasn't in charge.  

    Journeys will flow, ebb and change…at their free will.

    I love that I am not in charge…I feel the energy of being set free.

    Relax…relax, relax.

    I believe, I never felt that someone was in charge.

    And, took the empty seat.

    I am now getting up and walking into my life; alone.

    I want to just be in charge of me!

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  • Care the most.

    Just living your life, often is very hard. And harder still if you are a recovering Co-Dependent.   

    What I fail to know about myself, is where I am attached, until another person's life choices are not mine.  And, I feel like part of me IS making that choice.   

    It is then, I know I am way too attached.

    To bow out with grace and let life be….is a huge relief.

    I get to just be me, doing what I love.

    Today in Yoga, I felt like I had taken my left leg and pulled it back to me.  Like perhaps part of my body was stuck in the lives of others….as I cared.

    I was taught that care meant taking over a life.

    Not that care meant being solely responsible for your own soul and knowing each and every other person was solely responsible for their life's choices too.

    It is their soul's journey.

    I recalled a paragraph from Byron Katie.

    "I don't know what's best for me or you or the world.  I don't try to impose my will on you or on anyone else.  I don't want to change you, improve you, or convert you, or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love.  The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

    I have learned when my will appears imposing to exit.

    What I have a harder time with is withdrawing my care.

    I am fairly good at accepting things as they come….and go.

    The going, I know is reality showing me its strength.

    For, to try and hold on to someone who is already gone….is pointless.

    I no longer wish things to be different.

    I wish for me to adjust peacefully to their absence.

    It is helpful to return to my world.

    To bring in both my legs and do Me.  I can't live fully in my life, if a huge part of me is dancing in yours.  Or perhaps more true, stomping around.

    I love that my legs get to be here in my life.

    My life is my business and where I have to care the most.

     

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  • Step into the Unknown.

    From Elizabeth Gilbert's latest book, "Big Magic"

    "Fear is Boring"   I love that phrase!

    "Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture.  I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist or an unexpected ending.  My fear was a song with only one note – only one word, actually – and that word was "STOP!" My fear never had anything more interesting or subtle to offer than that one emphatic word, repeated at full volume on an endless loop: "STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!"

    "Which means that my fear always made predictably boring decisions, like a choose-your-own-ending book that always had the same ending: nothingness."

    "I also realized that my fear was boring because it was identical to everyone else's fear.  I figured out that everyone's song of fear has exactly that same tedious lyric: "STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!" True the volume may vary from person to person, but the song itself never changes, because all of us humans were equipped with the same basic fear package when we were being knitted together in our mother's womb. And not just human:  If you pass your hand over a petri dish containing a tadpole, the tadpole will flinch beneath your shadow.  That tadpole can't write poetry, and it cannot sing, and it will never know love or jealousy or triumph, and it has a brain the size of a punctuation mark, but it damn sure knows how to be afraid of the unknown."

    "Well, so do I"

    "So do we all. But there's something particularly compelling about that.  Do you see what I mean?  You don't get any special credit, is what I'm saying, for knowing how to be afraid of the unknown. Fear is a deeply ancient instinct, in other words, an evolutionary vital one….but it ain't especially smart."

    "For the entirety of my young and skittish life, I had fixated upon my fear as if it were the most interesting thing about me, when actually it was the most mundane.  In fact, my fear was probably the only 100 percent mundane thing about me. I had creativity within me that was original; I had personality within me that was original; I had dreams and perspectives and aspirations within me that were original. But my fear wasn't some kind of rare artisanal object; it was just a mass-produced item, available on the shelves of any generic box store."

    "And that's the thing I wanted to build my entire identity around?"

    "The most boring instinct I possessed?"

    "The panic reflex of my dumbest inner tadpole?"

    "No"     Elizabeth Gilbert

     

    How interesting that fear is screaming to stop.  

    To stop life and all its wondrous opportunities to experience something new.

    Imagine a life where you said "YES"….instead of STOP?

    Where would you go, what would you do, what choices would you make different and how would they impact your life?

    Being able to say yes regardless of the fear is huge.

    It isn't as Elizabeth says…..to be fearless; but brave.

    "Bravery means doing something scary."

    And, I have heard that being fearless, is to feel fear….but to do it anyway.

    I have vowed to say Yes to me.  

    In the past, I stopped…..out of fear.

    Fear stopped me from being me. From voicing my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings. It stopped me from being me, out of fear that Me would not be acceptable.

    And, the fear was right.  

    I wasn't accepted as me within the dynamics of an abusive family.

    Not the me, with a voice and one who spoke up for herself.

    The old Me had to be silent, and to go along to get along. To be loved, I had to have no voice, different than what was good for the other.  

    She died when I said "Yes"

    I remember being terrified. Yes, terrified to express myself. To stand out and be different, to speak my truth, to say that which was true for me.  I used to feel like I was going to die or be murdered for it.

    And there was a death.  A death of the old me…and more.

    A death of a relationship.

    I lost many due to saying Yes to me…..when in the past I stopped. 

    I stopped myself from speaking my mind, my truth, and being Me.

    Imagine, the multiple ways fear stops us from being all we can be…

    The new me is very mindful of how I answer life's questions.  How I respond will always be to say Yes to me….or stop being me.

    For 46 years, I stopped being myself for love, peace and joy within a family…..and it didn't end well.  

    So, now….I don't stop.

    I continue on with reality, regardless of what it asks and who I lose.  For even if, I stopped, it wouldn't change reality….Only me.

    I would stop being an authentic, creative, unique Me.

    And, over time….I would be a Me, even I couldn't love.

    I love the me that doesn't stop being Me….out of fear.

    I am brave enough to know the scary outcomes of always being honest…and living out what is true for me.

    I love that I am not a boring STOP person.

    But, a yes person… as I step into the unknown.

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  • Fall Equinox

    "Equinox – This is the day when both the daytime and nighttime are of the same length, which has been long interpreted to mean that the world is in balance. Once the autumnal equinox passes, the nights begin to get longer and the temperatures will start to fall. Autumn is a time of dual purpose––it is time to gather the main harvests and it is time to determine what is needed for the upcoming winter. This is also about balance and as such, fall is considered the season of balance, a time during which you can restore balance to your own life."

    In the past few days, I have been sitting with a decision I made…and pondering not really the outcome, but perhaps how its decision sits on me.  How does it change who I am or perhaps NOT change me…but how it has changed a relationship in my life.

    What I do know is that I have been living a well balanced life for awhile now…and I do know what will tip me out of balance.  

    I can tell, immediately how 'off' my body feels when even contemplating doing something that goes against my inner peace.

    The oneness I feel or the settledness I feel while in balance can detect quickly what will upset it.

    I feel it is in my best interest to keep the inner balance….even at the cost of an imbalance in the outer world.  

    I am willing to lose a friendship, end a relationship, ask for space to keep my life in balance.

    I know, that in the cycles of life, I will naturally have moments, where I tip out of balance.   Where my inner world has to come to terms with an upsetting moment in life; a death or tragic circumstance.

    But the balance I am talking about is the way we choose to navigate this world.  Where we can know what is yanking us out of balance, but in order to make someone else happy, we are okay tipping.

    I used to tip so much, I pretty much lived my life upside down…in order to bring peace to others.

    I no longer am willing to have my inner balance imbalanced for another's happiness.

    I am unwilling to let my life go off balance due to the choice another makes.

    I step aside.

    In order to keep my balance.

    While I sat with a choice I made to keep me in balance…I tried to find a way to accommodate keeping me in balance…while standing with something that I don't agree with.

    I couldn't find a way.

    To stand with something I don't agree with, I automatically tip.

    I lean.

    I fall away from what is true for me.

    That in and of itself….makes me lose my balance.

    I love that on this Fall Equinox….I was pondering my balance while juggling the weight of a choice I made….only to find that by standing by me, I am keeping my balance.

    I love that Fall is about restoring balance.

    And, what I love even more, is that I practice this throughout the year.

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    On this Fall Equinox, we created kites and hung them in the wind…our intentions and what stands between us and our furthest reach…written upon them.

    Our words perhaps will help restore a deeper sense of balance to our lives.

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    Some wrote what to do….

     

    Others, what to let go of….

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    Both will restore balance…Happy Fall Equinox!