I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Shouldn’t be forgiven.

    Not only are there humans we shouldn't forgive, but we forgive them at our peril. You forgive them — somebody *else* pays for it. Andrew Vachss

    If the churches could grasp this concept and stop selling forgiveness as a cure all and soul saving application.

    As well as see its true design of passing on perpetrators to abuse again…we would start to slowly stop the bleed of so many children being abused.

    To be fair, not only churches, but well meaning folks too, have suggested, insinuated and wondered, about MY lack of forgiveness towards my father…questioning Me and not the true catch and release form forgiveness is.

    Where I am seen and told how cold hearted I am, and not that the application of forgiveness is very cruel to the next child.

    How can we get the churches, society to stop selling how 'loving' and 'kind' it is to forgive?

    How are they so narrow minded that they can't see into the future when the release the abusers to roam free.

    I have felt the social and religious judgement as I refused to play in their idea of forgiveness…when I refused to forget his abusive ways, but instead have been trying to warn others how insane this concept is.

    Folks look at churches as benign and loving places for the soul…and fail to see their beliefs at work as they set free abusers upon another child.

    IF forgiveness worked, we would be free of all abusers…or most.  For this is the first and go to response to abuse.

    Very few are actually promoting tearing family apart and ostracizing the abusers away from children…instead their main thrust is to keep it all together, to forgive them their sins.

    Who do you think pays when the church forgives these abusers?  It certainly isn't the church elders….for the volume of abuse happens to women and children.

    If only the churches would at least begin to admit, there are some humans who shouldn't be forgiven.

     

  • My denial disintegrated.

    What I am learning is that it is rare to be a responsible individual, that there are much more apathetic bystanders than those willing to engage.

    Even to engage in the possibilities or to have a discussion. To begin to begin to plan for actions. That there are more who excuse and reason themselves into doing nothing.

    Doing nothing appears safer and more kind.

    Entering into the problem is rare…and saying the 'difficult' things almost extinct…especially within family….or with relatives.  

    Somehow we have kindness pegged as standing by and not doing the responsible thing.

    Is it truly more kind to let an abusive person abuse?

    Or one with dementia drive beyond the point of clarity?

    To me, it appears that we have this all backwards and until we begin to have the tough talks and make the rough decisions things will not change.

    I also wondered, is experiencing trauma or when something really awful happens, is that the only time we change. That it is harder to change before the big explosion…that when it is but a tiny flame, there is no point in stirring things up. Better to respond after the bomb has exploded.

    What a strange phenomena this is.

    Where the Universe is whispering in our ears that something isn't right, but until it (Universe) delivers a life changing blow, do we hear.

    Perhaps until the after shock of the explosion reaches your life, will your mind be able to see what was there all along…and all the places where the Universe tried to get your attention.

    It appears that there are so many slow learners who feel it is kinder and more loving to overlook and look around the evidence and signs…in hopes that reality IS wrong.

    The human capacity for denial continues to astound me…or perhaps the willingness to have their worlds upended.

    This is where I believe the real truth lies. Our willingness to not see, comes from the fact we don't want to have our lives change.

    Somehow we will do anything and not see what needs to be done, so we can keep our lives as we want it.

    What we don't want is for our whole infrastructure to collapse.

    I am beyond awe at the abilitiy to hold together that which has already fallen apart.

    Many think they are holding on to a whole complete loving family, when it is already in ruins…

    You and your mind just haven't accepted it as such.  Your refusal to change your mind when reality changes is the landscape that breeds apathy.

    Which allows you to do nothing.  

    And in turn, allows the abusers or the ones who are unhealthy continue along as if they are okay.  

    You make them okay, just so your world will not upend.

    Many will argue with the ending of the world for the person in trouble, when in actuality it is their world that they don't want to change. It is very personal and self-centered.  And, has little or nothing to do with the other person.

    My experience in facing the reality of my father, was that it tipped my whole world upside down.  The affect was felt much more in my world than in his.  Certainly there were ripple affects, but the biggest earth quake was in my own life.

    I was left with a gigantic mess…where everything was turned over and reality shone bright…my denial disintegrated. 

     

  • Return to Love

    It is Christmas Eve, and there are many who are feeling the stress of the season due to the conflict of emotions and family.

    We are sold that family is love.  

    Family is warmth and caring and goodness…and for many of us,  our experience of family doesn't match the true meaning.

    Many are concerned about the true meaning of Christmas; while pretending to be family.

    And, those of us who are no longer interested in pretending that the true meaning of family is absent, are sitting strange at Christmas.

    For the Season calls for love.

    And the baby in the manger; forgiveness.

    It seems that I am rebelling against the message…while staying away from family.

    The tones of voices echo inside…."When will you forgive your mother?"  "How long are you going to let this go?"  "You are not loving."  "Leaving family is not healthy or healing"….etc.

    Like, when am I going to get into the forgiving mode and join with Love…how long will I stay in this place, outside of the family?

    They want me to quit standing outside and come in and sit down.  

    Sit down and relax; forgive and forget…move on.  It is Christmas afterall.  If not during this season, then when?

    Will a pretend love christmas work miracles?  Will it erase and erradicate the abuse that prevades the family tree?  Can christmas joy, and peace and love heal our family on Christmas?

    I used to think so.

    I used to believe in the magic of christmas.

    But, Christmas failed.

    It isn't the season that will course correct the long held patterns of abuse…but each individual.

    And, for those, who like me are standing outside the family on Christmas.  

    I wish you peace.

    I wish you love.

    I wish you joy.

    For, what you are doing, is trying to end abuse.

    And, when we end abuse within families…they will return to love.

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  • Acceptance of my abuse.

    My name written in that familiar scrawl immediately strikes a cord in me…without even reading the contents, I feel put upon…a small card from my mother.  What does she want…rings out from each cell in my body.  And secondly, why can't she just leave me alone.  This in the middle of a very busy holiday mail day!

    Dearest Beth,

    I remember all the birthday parties and what a help you were to me in your growing up years. May you have peace and acceptance in abundance and love in your heart for family in these middle years. (a big heart sticker) Love always, Mom

    What I love the most is that she is giving me coaching lessons about love!

    Really?

    My mother who was married to a pedophile until he died, has the audacity to school me on peace and acceptance. She is going to teach me a thing or two about love and family.

    Yikes.

    I wonder, if she has ever once considered she may be wrong? 

    Or that it is possible that I have found peace and acceptance about being abused.

    That I now have love in my heart for family.

    Love that wasn't learned at her side.

    What she wants for me, I believe, is what she wants for herself.

    She can't know what is in my heart.

    In my heart are the children she deeply affected by her marriage with a pedophile.

    In my heart of hearts, I know the cost and damage it has inflicted.

    In my heart is the love I have for their journey.

    In my heart is the pain of knowing how it is to be where I once was.

    I have peace doing the opposite of what she did.

    I have acceptance of her, of her husband, of my growing up years…of me being innocent, loving and doing so much for her family…and of my abuse.

    I have made peace in my heart that there is no family; but dysfunctional people damaging each other.

    By their lack of knowing better.

    Somehow she fails to consider that even IF I were to slip back into the family's good graces, the abuse would not end like magic…nor would a loving family emerge.

    I am not the one who is the impetus for love in her family.

    Nor the one to bring peace and joy. 

    I tried that. 

    I was the one who worked like hell to balance out the abuse, it did not work.

    Her children are showing signs and the affects of what I failed to do.

    I could not right the abuse no matter how hard I tried.  No matter my acceptance or peace nor the love I had in my heart. In the end, abuse trumped it all.

    What is so odd, is that I am one of the few who are actually living in peace and acceptance of what is.  And, in my heart lives love.  I found it away from her…

    And, she is going to tell me about peace and acceptance…but what she wants is for me to accept family no matter what they do, how they act, or say or feel…it isn't about accepting the abusive behaviors, but accepting family even if there is abuse.

    She writes like she has the Norman Rockwell family…and I am snubbing my nose…and not loving love.

    It confounds me that she is coaching me on love and family…and her refusal to believe, that just maybe she got it all wrong.

    I wonder if she will ever have peace and acceptance in abundance about me in her last years.

    Acceptance of my abuse.

    (And, the acceptance and peace that abuse doesn't make a family)

     

     

     

     

  • Sunrise of My Life

    "I was forced to live far beyond my years when just a child, now I have reversed the order and I intend to remain young indefinitely."  Mary Pickford

    It is my Happy Birthday for the 55th time!  I am in awe of my life at times, and at others, quite ignorant of it. Most times I am focused on where I am and what I am doing, that I forget to step back and see…the totality of it all.  

    The most incredible learning is to love.

    Love me.

    Love my children.

    Love life.

    Love others.

    And, to know when to step away.

    Perhaps it is the discernment that was lost or taken from me as a child; I feel I now have the controls back.

    Maybe this is what being a grownup is; the ability to discern what you love and what you do not.

    Looking back at my 55 years, the thing I am most proud of is the feelings of love.

    Perhaps due to the fact I was raised in a dysfunctional home, where the definition of love was all backwards, that I am now able to know love.

    To come from not love and to now know the difference.

    Not only know it, but feel it alive inside of me.

    Where my chest cavity, core and bloodstream feel the warmth. Where I can love without conditions.  

    And secondly, to know abuse.  

    To know not kindness.

    To know manipulation and/or self-absorption and recognize its fingerprints.  To understand it isn't me that ignites this; but that its within them.

    I have been able to undo the damage of abuse, within me.

    I have been able to embrace my darkness with just a small spark of light, that has grown and grown.  

    I am not a sappy kind of love person, but one that allows.

    I allow me to be me.

    I allow you to be you.

    I allow myself the choice to move towards or away from people.

    All that I allow for me, I give to you.

    I love me at 55…it feels like the Sunrise of My Life! IMG_1397..

     

  • Pattens of Freedom

     

    "Birthdays are new beginnings, but they're also moments of personal closure, which are crucial if we are to grow positively into our authenticity."  Sarah Ban Breathnach

    It is the Eve of my 55th Birthday and as Emily Dickinson said, "We turn, not older with years, but newer every day."  

    I see the new pattern of me becoming more and more distinguished and where my Art and Life resemble each other…the newer me continues to expand.

    The new me continues to arrive, even when her arrival isn't welcome or celebrated, she arrives!  I arrive…as this Me.

    Most have no idea, the cost of changing drastically who you are…in order to live authentic and how there are those who will not celebrate or honor the changes.  And, how it feels to knowingly disappoint and cause anger and fear to arise, as I walk in…differently than what they want and need.

    To remain true to yourself in the face of all who dismiss that self.

    This year has shown me the strength of the new me, the contents and feelings that are so far removed from the shell of me that I was.

    The 55 year old me is so much more inside than the 46 year old me.

    Our insides and beliefs are worlds apart.

    One seems so dark and hollow.

    The other so full and light.

    It isn't the outward appearance that has changed, but inside where the most work has been done.

    The mind has had a complete overhaul and my feelings are dancing and alive.

    I see the old me with a frozen mind, set in its ways…and my feelings locked up and silent.

    How harsh she was…and how hard it was to pretend to pretend it wasn't so. To play, if you will at being alive, but not free to be.

    Maybe it was to pretend to be free while completely under the mind control of a cult like religion and in the clasps of an dysfunctional family.  

    Where you are told what to do and how and are dismissed if you didn't adhere to their needs.

    I celebrate this year as a year where I can clearly see the new me and her patterns of freedom!  

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  • Save one Child.

    You know what I am exhausted about, is the way people ask what can they do to help end abuse, when what they really mean, is I will do anything, as long as it doesn't change my life.

    I am also tired of folks coming to the rescue of the older generation giving them the shadow of doubt that they didn't know. They didn't know that the children were being abused.

    Really?

    Here is the deal. They knew.  They knew for they kept their children away.

    They knew, for they blessed it away.

    They knew the children suffered, but they also knew that their faith was the most important card in the game.  It trumped the children's lives.

    We can't solve the problem, when we refuse to call a spade a spade.

    We have to first find out what the problem is.

    To assume the generation before us didn't know, is to view us in the same light.  We didn't know.

    No, we know.  

    We know, but we don't want our lives to change, so we know, but do nothing.

    When they ask what they can do, what they want is to do anything, as long as it doesn't touch their faith.  As long as it doesn't change their relationships with their families and friends. As long as it doesn't make them behave differently. As long as their lives, as I said, remain unchanged.  

    This is what makes abuse flourish, the inability to course correct.  

    The inability to look into the faith that blessed the sinners called pedophiles.

    The inability to do what your 'faith' won't allow.  

    What I see most, are folks who are holding in front of them the things that they hold dear…Faith and Family.

    If abuse comes in, they will not give up those two cards, no matter what.

    If it is a father/son who abuses, they will not walk away…they see the son label or father label before pedophile and abuser.  

    If the churches ask to bless the sins, they will, before they go to the court of the land, or instead of. 

    We keep dancing around this like you all are wanting to help or have helped, when in fact, what many and most do, is hold on to what they hold dear, refusing to change when abuse walks in.

    In fact, you will reinforce your faith and family…doing more to keep them in place, making the wall harder to penetrate.  There is no place for abuse in your faith or family, None.

    I am sick and tired of well meaning folks pretending to want to help, while holding out in front of them is the wall of religion and family.  These sacred walls where they believe no evil lurks and flourishes.

    The evil twin to evil is this belief.

    That not in my faith.

    Not in my house.

    Not in my family.

    The refusal to let go of faith and family is the biggest detriment to solving the problems of abuse.  

    It is the hurdle we can't penetrate.

    And the same hurdle that keeps abuse safe inside.  

    It won't leak to the outside…for faith and family hold them up as 'normal'.

    Who will be the ones to lay down their faith and beliefs of their families…to see what the children are going through. To be the one to stop pedophiles in their early years or in their middle years or will we all wait until, like my father, they have 45 years of abusing.

    My mother would not put down her marriage her dreams of family and certainly NOT her faith.

    Who will?

    I am just tired of the well intentioned folks acting like they are standing against abuse, when what they are standing for is their faith and belief in the solid wholeness of a family that is steeped in abuse.

    Just say it.

    I am for family no matter what.  

    My faith is more important than the lives of innocent children.

    Don't ask what you can do, until you are willing to lose it all.

    For now, there are so many children who feel that they come third or forth in line.

    They are not even close. And, they know this, feel it and understand, that since they are not faith, they are not first. Since their truth will rip apart a family you hold dear, they stay silent.

    It isn't the children that are not brave.  It is you.

    You are not sure enough of your faith to question it.

    You are not sure enough of your family to investigate it.

    You are not sure enough of your friends to put up boundaries.

    You are not sure your life as you know it can stand the scrutiny it will go under, if you allow truth to enter in.

    Just know, that while you are holding faith and family dear, the pedophiles are behind that wall, damaging child upon child.  They can for you are looking at your faith and family, disregarding any tones of abuse that bounce off the wall.

    Stop asking what you can do and start asking what you would let go in order to save one child.

     

     

     

  • Health to the Mind.

    A short article was written about my quilts in a newsletter for Northern Lights Clubhouse.  Some of their members came to my "Meet the Artist" event at Copper Country Mental Health in September.  

    The article read, 

    "On September 18th Clubhouse went to Copper Country Mental Health to see the quilt presentation by Beth Jukuri, called "My Lady and I…my journey in fabric." In all there were 22 quilts. Ms. Jukuri said each quilt represented a step in her journey of her recovery. Beth was a member of a very strict religion and was sexually abused as a child.  Beth's quilts show her journey from being lost to finding herself again. As the lady in the quilts grows in stature, color and movement, so does Beth's sense of self. Beth's quilts were brought to CCMH by the efforts of the agency's Trama Informed Recovery Team. These colorful works of art sure brighten up the walls at the Clinic. Everyone who visits, enjoys seeing them.  Her story gives people who are recovering hope."

    And, here is what a few members had to say.

    "Some of the quilts were whimsical, colorful and a lot of different patterns of fabric.  I liked how Beth described her feelings about each quilt."

    "The quilts were beautiful and I liked the way she described each quilt. I wanted to talk to Beth, but she was very busy with people that came in before us."

    "All of the quilts were beautiful and I am glad I was able to see the display."

    "We would both like to see more presentations from other people about their recovery. It was so nice that Beth shared her quilts and her experiences with everyone."  Northern Lights, newsletter.

    What struck me are few things; that it was actually me, my quilts and my journey, and that we are so at home in these helping agencies, that these are my people…this is where I come from.

    I think we all would like to think, we have perfect mental health, have always had perfect mental health, and that no matter what happens, IT DOESN'T AFFECT, our perfect mental health.

    Each incident and experience will give our mental health something.  It will cause our psyche's to be engaged…how is the question and for how long and is there a way we can interject before it becomes a part of us; like a phantom self?

    It was this phantom self that lived my life for 46 years…eclipsing my soul and self that I was born to be.

    When I see the quilts, and me, and a journey of recovery, I am astounded and caught off guard almost.  That this isn't just Art, it isn't me laboriously droning on and on about a past that can't be changed, but rather it is literally a visual gauge of my mental mind…in how it saw me.

    It is more about righting my mental health…or taking my life back from my phantom self.

    To see and hear others recognize my recovery means something.

    Perhaps validating how lost I was.

    That maybe is more crucial compared to where I am today.

    The distance from lost to found is a journey of a million sorrows and magnificent finds!

    Swinging from the tragic truths and into the brilliant self realizations.

    Not only was the phantom self destroyed but so too was the phantom family and love and caring parents; a phantom life.

    Recovery to me is to recover the truth.

    I had to look up the word recover, again.

    "Return to normal state of health, mind or strength." 

    "Find or regain possession of something stolen or lost."

    Both definitions fit.

    Recovery is to find the self that was stolen or lost and the state of mind.

    You may think that the first step to recovery is to find love, peace and joy; but instead it seems you find all that isn't.  All the aspects of your life where a phantom is taking the place of real.

    Where you are unable to be real.

    To be yourself.

    To say what you feel.

    To just be.

    What I think drives us into a mental distress or fractured mind, is when the family refuses to be with the truth, where they want to not see it…where it is set aside and life then is overcompensated to hide it.  Where you are not able to be your real abused self…but instead have to be a 'good' girl and not tell, not show how it affected you, not rip the family apart, but hold it together, no matter what.

    It is my humble belief that much of the mental diseases comes from being estranged from the truth.

    That we are sacrificing the minds and spirits in order to often keep the 'perfect' family, 'perfect' loving parents.  

    If only I could impress upon you, how damaging it is to the mental health not being able to live in the truth of what is; the cost to "forgive the faults and failures" and just act normal now.

    What my mother fails to appreciate is the cost of living with her mental illness.

    How it wasn't that she embrace her own sexual abuse and her abusive husband, but rather embraced everything but.  

    She wanted us to live in her phantom world, and we did and do.  

    But, the truth is the only thing, in my experience that recovers health to the mind.

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  • Standing By

    I loved this video by Mike Dilbeck "Empowering Bystanders"

     

    It is my belief, that we can all become more aware of the times and places we Stand By. 

    Stand by and feel like he said, the urge to do something, but then change our minds.  Feel the urge to speak up, but then go silent.  To speak out about our feelings and what is true for us.

    I also love how he says, the more we stand by, the smaller we get.

    What I have found is that I have grown bigger by being a non-bystander.

    And, what I didn't know, and it seems more insane, is that the more people that are standing by, the less likely it is for someone to stand up….to get involved. Isn't that just odd…and yet not.  

    Who wants to stand out like the odd duck?

    Who wants to risk appearing foolish or different?

    And really who wants to take the chance and do so publicly?

    What I didn't know is that Bystander is common in all humans and it isn't just in the strict religions that I have seen it in.  I was seeing it as part of the cult like culture, when it is more a human phenomena. 

    It is and isn't about standing out in a group of everyone being the same, as in religions where their are sins to make us all do and act the same.

    I also believe that it my calling if you will, to inspire bystanders to become empowered, to STOP just standing by.

    I also love, how he says, that most of the behaviors he speaks about, Bullying, sexual assualt etc, do not happen in a vacuum.  I know this to be true.  It is seen and the bystanders do nothing.  It is much more a lack of movement on the bystanders part than it is on the part of the perpetrators…that create the landscape for abuse to run unstopped.  

    Who is going to stop them???

    This video clarifies the much broader and more personal issue in the plight of children being sexually abused; the bystander mentality or hurdle within each of us.

    He says, that first of all you have to recognize there is a problem, and then be willing to act…to transcend the barrier of standing by. To take effective, appropriate and safe actions.

    This, is what I am calling you all to do.

    To become empowered and willing to end your era of standing by.

    I now know that there is a human phenomena going on, that we are aware of the problems, have heard the rumors, have felt the ucky creepy feelings or fear of someone, BUT we are frozen in the STANDBY position.

    What will it take to change your position to Non-Standby?

    What will make you move?

    What will it take to make you break the silence?

    Somehow, I feel more optimistic, knowing it is a human behavior and not just the climate of the church, for I believe we are on the cusp of human revolution towards a more conscious human being.

    And, if that is so, the new human being of higher consciousness, will be able to transcend the barriers of fear…into the new level of response ability.

    We will be able to respond to abuse…instead of standing by.

     

  • Fail to see…

    While going through my file of correspondence I received from family in the aftermath of my father's arrest, I found the birth and death certificates of my father's parents….and a note, dated 10/18/09

    My mother's last line…."You are my beloved daughter I continue to pray you will come to accept me with all my faults and failures….always and forever, Mom."

    What she fails to appreciate, she is making this my job, my responsibility to lower my boundaries to accept her 'faults and failures'…of which was to love and protect a pedophile.  She has never, not once asked how her faults and failures affected my life, how I feel or the cost to myself and my children.

    Yet, she wants me to accept her as she is….and always has been, and move back into the relationship.  

    For what?

    Her peace?

    In a note that was with my father's history, she writes…

    "These are yours to keep or throw away.  My memories are only mine.  No one can take these from me.  My you find acceptance and peace with the pas. What is – is, no amount of screaming shouting crying can change it. I love you, always have and always will…"

    She threw them to me.  Tossed them out of her 'collection' of papers and said, "you were always the one interested in relatives…"

    She tossed out the paperwork, but is holding on to the memories, like treasured jewels.

    These same treasured memories for her are of the man who abused her daughters, granddaughters and neighborhood girls….and the "no one can take these from me" sentiment is what keeps us apart.

    I suppose I could talk about abuse, IF I don't use his name or reference him….for she will not have her memories tarnished, nor will she toss them aside.

    It is incredible that she will hold on, even with the evidence that spilled all over the top of it.  

    Ironic that she sends me his stuff…repulsed is how I first felt, but have always kept all the correspondence as "evidence" of her insanity…or blindness or denial…and how she responded. 

    I guess it was proof I felt I needed…to show that I wasn't just making stuff up…. as one said, "make it more interesting for my backers" or something like that.

    Who would send papers, birth, marriage and death certificates…photos of grandparents from the man who abused you.  What is/was she thinking.

    I have yet to recieve a note, from a mother.  I have seen plenty of proof of her undying love for him….and her words are absent any actions of love towards me.

    The difference between us, Is that I am not asking her to accept my faults and failures, I am working like hell to correct and change….

    This is the crux of it all. That the victims are to accept the faults and failures and continue on in the relationship; making adjustments for their shortcomings, accepting that they 'can't do no better'….and will not even try or feel they must.

    And, my refusal to accept makes me a bad person.

    It is my bad.

    Not her bad.

    Oh the dance of insanity in the beliefs of those who fail to see…

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    This is how I perceive my mother…..a forrest with a sign "Keep Out" all of your truths.