I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • A Wonderful Masterpiece!

    Last night, WIND was treated to a class of Zentangle, by Cari Raboin a Certified Zentangle Instructor. I was mis-informed, and thought it was more about one continuous line and not picking up your pen once you started.  I was way off, delightfully so!

    Zentangle, is more about being in the now.  Using pencils with NO erasers…about not knowing where you going, and adjusting your design as you make new design opportunities..with a drawing error or so your mind thinks. Like Meditational drawing, it keeps you present…away from the future or past.

    For Zentangle, Cari was the perfect instructor and we, all 8 of us, were attentive students.


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    This is my Tile, as they are called.  A 3 by 5 piece of Italian paper…small so as not to be so intimidating, like taking a small step into drawing art.

    She doesn't show us the whole design, but takes us through it one line at a time…like life, we can only know what to do in this moment and won't know what the completed picture will look like, until…


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    Using just pencil (no eraser) and a fine marker, we created a drawing of interest, depth and movement.  

    And, when we put all of ours together, it was quite remarkable.  Each of us, could pick ours out, for we knew our lines, our mark…what our hands had made.

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    How similar and different, how we interpeted or orchestrated her instructions in our own way…and all ways are remarkable and beautiful.

    Zentangle is a Metaphor for Life!

    The tile was divided up into four sections and the individual design that went into each section was called a Tangle.  I love that.  And, each Tangle has a name…which I have already forgotten…and there are hundreds of them.

    I would highly recommend taking a Zentangle class…it brings you back to the early years of coloring; but this time you are part of the whole process!

    It is also a way to look at life differently, to get a broad picture….that all we have to do is work on this step now, and step by step we are creating a wonderful masterpiece.  

    (Our Certified Zentangle Instructor, Cari Raboin teaches classes locally as well as in other areas in the U.P.  Her website is http://www.cctangles.wordpress.com there you can find more information on her upcoming classes and a way to contact her.)

    Cari, my heartfelt thanks for allowing WIND to experience Zentangle…for volunteering your time and passion in the Art of Zentangle! 


  • What would churches sell?

    Today I listened to Rob Bell's book, "Love Wins"…as I drove along the mail route.  I was surprised and affirmed by his words.  He poses a lot of great questions and challenges the typical beliefs and mind sets of many religions, as well as looking at the bible and its stories from a new viewpoint….and offers a very new approach to God and Jesus, one that reflects what I now believe.

    Depending upon how you were taught and raised to believe, you will have a different kind of God, than perhaps the true God.

    I highly recommend reading or listening to his book, if you are at all against the normal religious dogma that seems to separate.

    There is something that I was able to understand, but barely able to grasp…for it was how someone without religious boundaries, is often the one persecuted…compared to the one who does AND he often separates himself from others.  And, yet he points fingers at the one without any.

    All, I know…is that the religious person is often seeing the non-religious one as wrong…just because they don't have a church.  And, not being able to see that those with a church exclude so many just because they don't match.  And, yet blame the ones who are outside for not matching.  Not themselves for having such strict rules for acceptance.

    It dovetails with my experience of my family.  How I am seen as wrong…for not being able to match the rest. That God forbid it be the mass of them that are wrong. And, it is my fault for not being the same.  Not theirs for demanding sameness.

    A very refreshing book about God and Jesus and gives me hope for humanity and that he sees the God of Love…and that the God of punishment is from an old era or age.  There is hope that times are a changing and Rob Bell is one who stuck his neck out to challenge the Christians in how they see Heaven, Hell, God and Jesus and even more importantly view themselves and the rest of us.

    Imagine if Hell didn't exist or sins?

    He suggests that many live for the evacuation to Heaven…and the fear of Hell…without pausing to wonder how they can improve this earth.  Like this is just a place that will decide where you go when you die.

    If there were no hell what would churches sell?


  • Pulled into a Brighter Future

    My husband had 'saved' a milk crate of old stuff of mine, that was in a Farm House on our property that is slowly crumbling into itself.  A crate that I wasn't that interested in….really, but did not want to either, just throw it all away.

    So yesterday I sorted through it.

    It was a pile of old film negatives and pictures…of course family is intersperced with friends and vactions; things we take pictures of.  These were I believe either second prints or ones that for some reason didn't put into photo albums back then.

    I seen a small child sitting on my father's lap, he with a pipe in his mouth….a common image if and when you would conjure up his face.  He appeared kind….a loving grandpa…with an innocent child.

    I pulled out a bunch to 'save'….and burned the rest of the negatives in a fire outside…and as I vaccumed up leaves, I smelt the burning negatives…all gone up in smoke.

    How easy it would be if that is how we dealt with negatives and images we no longer found useful or wanted to treasure.

    I kept the one of my father.  

    Not out of love and honor, but rather out of acceptance…or maybe its truth.

    I saw images of my siblings in their youth and early adulthood.  

    A Fall day….flooded with images and feelings then and now….what was and what is.

    This morning I watched Rob Bell with Oprah….you can view it

    http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprah-and-Rob-Bell-Video

    What I loved about it, is his belief that we are headed for more,

    We are headed into better.

    That something within him and I, believe that God is pulling us towards a better way.

    While some feel that I am doing something wrong for my family…I believe, that I am changing its legacy.

    That there is hope outside of negatives. That burning them isn't enough.

    We have to live differently.

    Yesterday I overheard my husband tell my son; Nothing Son…It is what dad's do.  In reference to the labor of love he toiled over with my son's new truck.  My son asked, "what do I owe you?"

    Nothing Son, it is what Dad's do.

    My children are experiencing dad in a completely different way.

    I am experiencing husband in a completely different way than my mother.

    To me, I see a brighter future…one that I have been reaching towards, seeking….wanting, desiring. 

    We can all sit and moan and lament at what we didn't have.  But, we can also have faith in the hope for a better future.

    The interview on OWN…. encapsulates how I believe and how I am reaching and being pulled into a brighter future


     

     

  • Unfounded goodness.

    In a conversation I had, someone was saying, that there is a fine line between rebuke and self-righteousness….and that self-righteousness was perhaps the most tricky of all sins.

    I had to look up first, the meaning of Rebuke.

    "express sharp disapproval or criticism of (someone) because of their behavior or actions."  

    I am not aware that rebuking is wrong….is it?

    I then, looked up the word Self-Righteous.

    "Having or characterized by a certainty, esp. an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior."

    I can see that if you are certain about an unfounded certainty, that you would be off the mark…but if you are certain about a certainty, than you can't be classified as self-righteous.

    The way I am feeling or the message I am getting is that rebuking and self-righteousness are bad, sinful even.

    Which then means, that in the eyes of some, I am being a sinner….for having or more, for expressing sharp disapproval of the abusive behavior of my parents…but not self-righteous, for I am not certain about something unfounded.

    I find these two words being used as warnings….that I best be careful where I tread or how.  Instead, I see them as blinders or stop gaps or safety nets for the folks who don't want to be Found OUT….or called out.

    These 'sins' work remarkably well if you don't want to face sharp disproval.  

    I believe that self-righteousness is a "Tricky Sin" only if you are feeling certain about something unfounded.  

    Again, I am in awe of what fears fall into place….that they are more afraid of 'sinning' than paying attention to who their fellow church members are, what they are doing, and what is the cost of "not sinning" to the children who are waiting for someone to show sharp disproval to the behaviors that is being done to them!

    I guess, in the eyes of many, I have sinned.

    I have sinned.  Not my father….

    I have sinned by rebuking him and for being certain.

    In my opinion, if these two words are similiar and one is a tricky sin, then the opposite of me, is being good.  A non-sinner.  

    Which then explains the silence of the church members.

    But they need to know, self-righteous is a wrong; especially if it is unfounded.

    Certainty is fine….unless you are certain about something that is a lie.

    If this is true, than I see more self-righteous within the familys of abuse…upholding characters of goodness…to folks who are abusing.  That to me, is being self-righteous…holding on to unfounded goodness.



  • Touched by my Art

    The journey with "My Lady" has been one that is unknown and a mystery and enthralling to be part of.  I just never know the bends it will take and the energy she will be given and even the life lessons I will learn in the darkest of times…

    As I sat pondering my path, my stance or stand against abuse; that excludes family and its cost or application…I contemplated silence.  I felt that my art even came at a cost…to stand by her. That perhaps and maybe, I would have more peace and joy by letting HER go.  To be me, but silently. To end the bold and loud display of who I am.  

    And, then….out of the blue a card arrived, on one of my low days.

    A woman who saw my quilts at the Portage Lake Library…expressing how they touched her, spoke to something within her…and, how her late husband was an artist, how she wanted to support me AND MY CAUSE…

    I sat stunned.

    What could I say….that I was going to stop?  That I was too tired…of the side-effects…

    Instead her letter intrigued and excited me…and I was humbled that she had chosen me and my work as something she wanted to contribute to in any way. This gesture out of the blue, moved the clouds of doubt away.

    I was fueled once again.

    I was wondering and pondering again, but in ways that we could conspire to expand the visibility of My Lady.  

    Imagine, going from wanting to darken and hide my Art, to looking for ways to expand her exposure…such is the power of one card.

    Of one person willing to reach out.

    We met.

    We talked.

    We connected.

    We shared.

    We dreamed.

    We conspired.

    My Lady, my admirer and I.

    She wants to remain anoymous…which will be tough for me…and it does add to the mystery.  A Lady behind My Lady and I.

    I want her to be part of the process to be active and engaged…yet hidden.  

    One of the best parts of My Lady, is meeting other women who connect with her, who find her energy contageous, who love her independence and strength, her courage and fearlessness.

    We met woman to woman; and spoke of what we could do to bring out "My Lady" spirit in other women, to encourage them to make a change, to take the first step in growing, to dare to do something for themselves…

    After the deluge of unbelievers in me, it felt good to have this woman understand me.  She even said at one point, "your family doesn't even know this you, the you you have become…" and she is right.

    And, they may never know her.

    She is a motherly type, a woman as complex as My Lady…and she is stepping up to help me and my cause…because she was touched by my Art.

     
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  • Who we are.

     

    Listening to this video gave me great assurance about life….and about me.

    How it is that I have lost the hatred, but kept the fear….for people who are abusive.

    How it is that I recognize my talent and it is up to me to share it and use it.

    How I am responsible for my flaws…it is up to me to correct them.

    How compassion IS understanding there are unlucky lifetimes and lives who out of no fault of their own, are harmful to humanity and the kindest thing to do is to remove them from society.  It isn't about liking them or being kind to harmful people but doing what needs to be done to protect others.

    A great video in seeing the big picture as to what makes us who we are.

     

  • Ambiguity and Authenticity.

    Ambiguity and Authenticity have to be polar opposites.

    I was wrong…the opposites of ambiguity are; direct, decisiveness, straightforwardness, exactness, clearness, brightness, obviousness.…etc….so its opposite is unclear, not direct, not exact…not obvious.

    In my exchanges with a few siblings…what stands out the most is the indecisiveness….the waffling back and forth.

    I am accused of being wrong when I label them as abused.

    I am then accused of grand standing AS the ONLY one being abused, and told they too were abused.

    I was accused of being part and party to the abuse years ago, and now I am seen as a family wrecker today.  When the actions of before and after are completely different.  You can't have it both ways I keep saying…..

    But, they can.

    There is nowhere for me to gain ground with them.

    I would be damned no matter what….well I am damned no matter what.

    This is how I know clearly it isn't about me.  For I have been two ways and it hasn't changed their worlds.  If it was about me, then at one point things would be going smoothly….either in the years where my father was abusing or in the years I stepped away from him.  Something should have changed in their worlds IF I am the one controlling them.

    Easy to blame the sister/daughter who is nowhere near their lives; than it is to look in the mirror.

    What I know for sure…for me, is that I need something that is not flipping and changing and two sided.  I need steady and clear decisions.  I need folks to be who they are always.  Not the 'kind' public persona and then lambasting me behind the scenes.  I don't know who you are.  I don't trust you kindness, when the ugly erupts.

    I know how this is.  

    That was me for 46 years.

    I would be kind and then spew hatred and anger and rage….and then back to kindness.  What I have discovered of me, was that my anger and rage was for the duplicity of my parents. My fears of not knowing who would appear….

    What I know for me, is that I don't trust folks who are unable to own who they are.

    I can handle dysfunction if they are working towards eradicating it in their lives…victims of abuse who are learning how they became so backwards and are working like hell to undo the damage. But, I dont' know what to do with those who scream they are kind, normal and blessed….coming from abuse.

    I looked up again….authenticity.

    Authenticity is defined as "real or genuine : not copied or false. : true and accurate. : made to be or look just like an original. - Conforming to fact and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. Trustworthy or genuine.

    I would rather be with authentically dysfunctional folks who know they are not right….than to be with those who have no idea who they are and how they contaminate this world.

    I just can't believe that my authenticity with my dysfunction is harmful….but, I can believe that their denial about the depths of their dysfunction is harmful in ways they would be shocked to see IF they were aware.

    Our paths are different….and worlds apart….as far as ambiguity is from authenticity.


     

  • Normality in Ambiguity.

    What I got left with, after all the mind twisting and thought turning, was how does a 'kind' person show their boundaries?  If you can't step back or move away from things that insult your soul, then how can we, watching you, know how you truly feel or who you are?

    What can we trust about you when there isn't a clear you…an outline of boundaries that clearly define who you are?

    I was struck by the blurry vision or mixed messages that assaulted me…in the ambiguity of who my siblings really were.

    And, it then led me to wonder how this amibiguity was the image we were given of our parents; hence ourselves.

    That my father, due to his acting out in abusive ways, was not just one solid self, but a double vision.

    My mother also had two sides…one being a 'good' christian woman, but one who allowed an abusive man to live in her home.

    This ambiguity gave us the license to be two faced.

    That being two-sided was normal.

    And…kind.

    And…Non-judgmental.

    Even, loving.

    When I no longer have two sides, but one crystal clear out-line of me, I am not 'easy' to be with.  For, I won't flip to the 'easy' side, that allows anything.

    What I feel is that they want me to capitulate and roll over and be friendly…while inside I am not feeling that.

    This technique, of doing that which you don't feel, feels very abusive to me…or it has echoes of it.

    That you are doing that which you don't feel like doing, but you do it to make someone else 'feel good'.

    As I view my siblings and my mother, I can't see a clear picture of who they are, I see no out-lined set point of what they stand for and what they stand against.  They have no clearly set apart self, but move as a group.

    Either a group called family.

    Or a group called church.

    But, not as a one…character.

    I don't truly know who they are and what they stand for.

    What I feel is that they will fall for anything.

    In my new awareness or understanding…kindness has critical lines and boundaries.

    Kindness is solid.

    Value has one side.

    Respect, love, honor do not twist in the wind and become something else; when it is too hard or uncomfortable.

    I see the affects of living in a home with two-sided parents; whose real truth was covered up, to be that we learned to live without a clear sense of who we were….for we were asked to be something we were not.

    In abuse you are asked/demanded or bullied into something you don't want to do.

    I feel that my family now is subjecting me to the same tone of abuse.

    In that, they are wanting from me something I am not freely giving; due to their nature of being two-sided.

    Abuse in families adds the second side.

    It goes from normal…to abnormal and the combination is ambiguity.

    And Ambiguity's definition….

    Something that does not have a single clear meaning…

    Doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speak with ambiguity; anambiguity of manner. 2. an unclear, indefinite…

    Something with ambiguity is unclear.

    What I feel is that my family is asking me to support and stand with ambiguity…to remain loyal and committed to ambiguity.

    For there is no clear message of love, with abuse tossed in on top.

    I do understand and appreciate where they are coming from….that living in the two faced world gives you a pattern and role model to follow. Where what you feel and how you act do not have to match…and who you are and how you act can be complete opposites. They find comfort and normality in ambiguity.


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    I was so drawn to nature, for there was no ambiguity!  It was as it appeared; always.


  • Listen to how I feel.

    I just read the line, "inauthentic authenticity" and how there is a trend in being authentic, and how many are not honest…in their authenticity.

    I read this after doing yoga this morning….and what came to me there was how difficult it truly is to live authentically; for it will require you to never pretend in order to 'spare' another's feelings for example.

    The road that I chose many years ago was to go towards love, peace and joy…and keeping away from things that hurt me or disrespected me or were indifferent.

    It was to live authentically with my self.

    It wasn't designed to make me appear kinder to those who for various reason did not bring me love, peace and joy….it did however make me respond authentically to their messages.

    This wasn't always easy to react or respond…"Move away from things that did not feel good inside of me" for typically the behavior was attached to someone who carried the label 'family'.

    Some Christians continue to preach "Do Not Judge" and "Be Loving and kind to all" and I believe they are being inauthentic or dishonest with their authenticity; by discounting their feelings when in the presence of hurtful people.

    To me, it is not kind in any form to pretend or try to love that which you feel repulsed by, frightened of, abused by, shamed by, lowered by etc.  

    What I hear is that the 'kind' person HAS to work harder to LOVE the 'unlovable'….but that those bringing negative energies don't have to do anything…they get to sit in the chair called "Don't Judge Me – Just Love Me."

    And, then if the Christian or Kind Person can't feel peaceful or loving….THEY have a problem. 

    To me, if you try not feel your feelings as they are or overstep and discount them, you are not living authentically. AND, sadly you're doing this to make the person who is hurting you FEEL better.

    This to me is the dance and courtship of abuse.

    Where the abusers sit in the easy chair of non-judgement and no-remorse and no-change and the Kind Folks are challenged to feel loving, no matter what.

    When I walked among the family of estrangement, I stayed true to form within me.

    Nothing within me wanted to get close and be friendly.  It, and I knew, that we had experienced non-loving energies and were not going to pretend otherwise in order to make them comfortable…and betray my feelings inside.

    My feelings are me.

    My feelings are my guide and gauge to my authenticity.

    Steering me towards love, peace and joy….and away from indifference, disrespect, self-absorbed hurtful folks.

    I can only be authentic when I listen to how I feel.

  • Your Comfort is at Stake.

    There are times when it is hard to see the big picture, while living in each tiny frame, when there is no space to see how it is actually going; are you living the life you want?

    Just as a sweater is knitted, one stitch at a time, it is each stitch being knitted correctly that makes the final product.

    Looking backwards with review, I can see the new pattern…and how completely different it appears to the old.  They are two completely different stitches being created…moment by moment.

    As I recounted The Wedding and the guests from my past, I was able to see clearly how I accomplished my mission.  I may have failed the old pattern, but I was successful in stitching the new.

    Here is what I know for sure; my daughter's special day was first on the agenda.

    It was a wedding…and I was the mother of the bride.

    It was my duty to keep the wedding first, always.

    And, in doing so kept my daughter first.

    What was good for her….and not what my own preferences were or what would be easier for me, or what would make me look kinder, nicer, more this or that.  It wasn't about me…Me, had to ride shotgun.

    This may not seem a great feat for many, but if you are changing your family pattern, it is one that I believe takes an enormous amount of self control.

    I have been labeled as self absorbed, controlling, insane, cold, inhumane even, as I was viewed on that day.

    And, yet I feel that I did the opposite of those labels, in my daughter's eyes and in the eyes or view point of a mother.

    And, that is where the real truth lies…or really matter.

    Her wedding day wasn't one where my wishes and desires were to be fulfilled…and I am grateful and proud, I was able to give her what she wanted, EVEN when and IF it was not what was comfortable for me.

    This feat, is what my mother was unable to do.

    To put her child's needs ahead of hers….ever.

    She did not succeed in dropping her needs ahead of mine…when I was a child for sure and even when I was a grown women.  

    The grumblings, rumblings and hateful anger that is directed at me….doesn't come from my child, but from those who wanted me to continue to knit together the old pattern of dysfunction, where I would drop the carefully created new mother garment I have been stitching for the past 9 years, and just unravel it all and be 'kind'…to them.

    Them…

    It then becomes about them.

    Or, a self….their needs. 

    The difference is that I was able to shelf my needs.

    And see the beautiful wedding…to see my daughter getting her needs met.

    This is huge.

    What many (of the haters) fail to appreciate, is that I could have made a huge stink, and drama, by refusing to participate due to their involvement.  I could have made it all about me.  I did not.  I could have not gone…to 'make my point'….etc.

    Instead, I gracefully as I could muster, gave my daughter free reign. AND, in doing so, became the mother my mother could never be.

    While they see me in a variety of negative ways…I see me as being a huge success in that the 'relatives' were disappointed, but the child was seen, heard and honored.

    This is leap of great proportions…that changes me from self absorbed to being a mother who sees her child.

    Sees her child and gives her what she needs…at the cost of my own discomfort.

    And, you know.

    I have been doing what is good for my child, my children, for 9 years.

    I have given up my own personal comfort.

    For it has been greatly uncomfortable to sit with and be with each and every relationship in a large family and find it lacking or hurtful or indifferent and to stay with the truth of what it is…and not pretend.

    To be seen and labeled negatively by the sheer volume of numbers of them is felt at a cellular level.  The barbs strike their targets. And, the only way for me to be 'comfortable' with them again, is to give up the new pattern of being a mom who sees her child.

    I will not.

    In the juxtaposition between Wedding and Estranged guests….were the feelings of success and being able to give to my daughter, that which was never given me….along with sticking to my truths with each of them. 

    To stand estranged.

    To keep my eye on the ball (my daughter) and not drag into her day the needs of me.

    My needs on that day were to be estranged.

    To leave…and have space.

    It was to fight the magnetic pull of fleeing.

    To stay and be there for her day.

    In as much as I had stayed away; I was now being asked to stay.

    I feel that it took great strength to remain in my new pattern surrounded by so many old relationships…AND to keep the wedding in focus.

    I feel that I was able to bring in her day and all its trimmings, even if I was uncomfortable. 

    Again, the two mixing emotions inside…with two very different events going on simultaneously…and not being dragged into the negative landscape in order to 'rescue them' from feeling estranged.  

    We are estranged.

    And, I don't think they can see/feel/or get what it feels like to keep this up with a group of them.  To keep knitting the pattern, with them trying to unravel it.  To keep to the truth, no matter what.

    I am not sure they get what estrangement means or even what it means to walk away from abuse….it is to respect your feelings more than wanting to be perceived as kind.

    And, I don't know if they can appreciate what it takes to see your child first.

    I didn't, until I was able to do it….when your comfort is at stake.