I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Withers Love

    "There will be times in your life when you have to choose between being Loved and being Respected. Always pick being respected, that love without being respected is fleeting – but that respect can grow into real, lasting love."  Unknown

    It takes courage to hold on to respect and not settle for love in this moment of time, whose cost is your own respect.

    If love's cost is losing respect from self or others, it will fail you.  It will not be a lasting love, for I know love and respect come together; never is love without respect.

    Anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries, your goals, and your values…doesn't love you.  

    I had to look up Respect.

    Respect- "Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem…To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit. "

    I hadn't seen the word respect as an action of seeing the other person and honoring who they are.  No wonder you can't have lasting love if you don't truly see and appreciate the qualities and achievements that make up who they are.

    The cold distance between love and abuse is the one simple word – RESPECT.

    Abuse doesn't see the other person…in fact they are in complete violation of respecting the other person.

    So, what seems like a small word not to worry about…it is big.  If you are not being respected or if you are asked to do something that is disrespectful of another, you are most likely being asked to take a stroll down a bumpy pathway into abuse in some form.

    Love always has respect.

    Love always sees you…love is never blind.

    Love doesn't come to you without respect for you in hand.

    Love respects who you are and how you feel.

    Abuse never has respect for you.  Abuse doesn't see you…only what you can do for them.  It sees what you give, but not the cost to you.

    Abuse lacks respect.

    Abuse is a selfish need and desire…it is controlling, manipulative and saturating…drowning out your needs so loudly by theirs.  

    Abuse never uses respect.

    Abuse will get their needs met at all costs…blind to the pain of others.  

    My father never respected me.  

    My mother never respected me.

    They did not see me and my life, only their own needs from me.

    They did not see the cost of their needs on me. 

    I didn't see the cost of pleasing them.  It cost me Me.

    In pleasing them I lost the respect of me.

    I lost seeing me.

    I lost my own value.

    When I stopped pleasing them, I began to grow respect for me.

    This is the crux where Alice Miller laments.  "Honor thy mother and thy Father…." commandment. For, it means to respect them at all costs.  And usually, the child will and does, and it results in losing our own sense of self…our own respect.

    In abusive homes, you can't respect both…The abusive parent and your self.

    And, if respect is to see, admire etc…how is it even possible to love an abusive parent?  How is possible to respect abuse and love the parent?

    I lost my respect for my parents.

    I then lost any love like feelings too.

    What I appreciate and admire is their shining examples of the cost of no respect in a loving relationship.  

    They have shown us the cost of no respect.

    My father did not respect my mother when he cheated.

    My father did not respect the little girls when he forced his sexual needs upon us.

    My mother did not respect him when she failed to see his negative actions.

    My mother did not respect herself enough to leave that relationship.

    My mother did not respect the children enough to take them away from him.

    For one small word, respect makes all the difference in the world.

    Respect will grow into a real and lasting love.

    No respect…withers love.



  • A silent partner.

    We have all heard about "letting go of the past" as a way to live a better future, but what does this actually mean and how do you make sure your past doesn't arrive in your future?

    First of all, we don't want to disregard ALL of the past, just the parts that don't fit comfortably in our daily lives. We want to pick and choose who comes into our future and who stays away…well, some will not say it is about who, but what.

    What or who is acceptable to bring forward and what or who gets left behind?

    Is it even possible to be a nit picker and just take the rainbows and smiles?

    What happens to the stuff we leave behind and how can we insure our lives so the 'unkind' reality doesn't arrive again and again?  What efforts are taken to make sure your future isn't littered with your past?

    What is the best insurance against having our negative arrive in our future?

    Too bad there isn't an insurance company for this…

    How will thinking positive about negative behaviors and family members who behave poorly insure a change in your future?  Is it possible to think away the negative…like the saying "pray away the Gay".

    Is it really just a mind game?

    Can I eliminate the negative thoughts and a person will now appear kinder, wiser and less hurtful?

    What I feel is the only insurance for a better future is to let the past go by letting go of relationships that hurt.

    Letting go of being involved with people who do hurtful things.

    Letting the past leave my life…so I don't repeat the same pattern tomorrow.

    There is a vast difference between thinking positive or acting positive; between accepting negative behaviors by not focusing on them, compared to literally not allowing negative behaviors.

    One is a mind game the other an action step. What will actually result in a future that is more positive?

    It is interesting to me how many feel that by talking only positive, it will change their future. Talk is cheap and it will not make a bit of difference.  It isn't enough.  Words are meaningless on getting rid of abuse.  It is the past of least resistance and it changes nothing.  ONLY perhaps the thought in your head.

    Your life will be the best indicator of change. You will literally experience what you have changed or what you have not.  You simply cannot get a new life by thinking differently without actions taken on your part.

    My mother's life is clearly a prime example of doing the same thing, BUT expecting a different result.  She was vigilant in watching for the pedophile's actions, but she was not even a bit vigilant with her response.

    She did the same thing for 49 years…hoping at some point her life would change for the better.  What she failed to appreciate was that she was the one keeping it the same, by doing the same over and over and over again.

    I still don't believe she was broken hearted about her abusive husband, but she was broken hearted about her husband who didn't love her. She failed to see beyond her needs…and failed to move beyond her thoughts.

    She let his past behavior go and go and go…into many future lives.

    Letting the past go, is like letting a harmful animal roam at will.

    It isn't the good times of the past that damage the future, but all the negative actions you let slip past you…while working hard to remain positive.

    I let the past go.  I stood firmly against abuse and all the actions that supported it.  I faced squarely the negative and let it go.

    I let the negative go, no matter who was wearing it.  

    You can't let the past go until you actually walk away.

    If you just think differently you walk hand in hand with a negative relationship.

    You are but a silent partner.

  • Reflect the truth

    What I didn't know was that I was unraveling as a narcissistic.  I was undoing all that wasn't real or the truth of who I was…I am so surprised I didn't know that I was a narcissistic person…when I was a narcisstic person.

    I didn't know this, for the reflection never told me so.

    No one ever told me who I was or how I was behaving, instead they told me what I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear.

    And actually, I was in a tribe of people all doing the same.  No one ever said the real truth to me, instead behind my back the spoke differently. 

    As a person who relies on the reflection (people's opinions) it isn't helpful if the reflection says one thing to my face and another behind my back.

    What some call kindness or keeping family together is really keeping the narcissistic cycle going. No one speaks the truth to each other, instead they groom and clean the reflection.

    I have heard from various people the truth being spoken, but they also tell me that they will not say it to the person's face.  It is so interesting to see this now.

    How, in an abusive…dysfunctional family, we all are cleaning each other's reflections with lies and omissions….to keep each other 'looking good'.

    Families of Narcissistic doings.  

    What is so odd or not so odd, is that all know the real truth of who each other is, but will not tell the person to their face.  Instead they will polish up the reflection so the person feels good about themselves.

    I stopped wiping the looking glass….and said out loud, what other's whispered about.

    I will no longer pander to their needs of looking a certain way or being someone….

    I had to look up the word pander to see if I had that word right.  

    Pander – "A pander is someone who provides what is required to meet the ambitions or vices of another."

    Yes, I will no longer provide what is required to the reflection they want…and rather show them what is real.

    I am continually shocked by how much pandering is going on to keep images alive…and how I thought it was because they didn't know the truth.  No, they know the truth, but they also know in order to be with that person they need to keep their image sparkling clean.

    What also amazes me is EVEN IF THE TRUTH comes in, they will continue to shine the mirror…neglecting this new incoming information.

    It seems that the more of a narcissistic you are, the more you indulge others and keep their mirrors clean with lies….and lies of omission.  And some call this relating or being in a relationship.  

    Really?  A relationship with a false reflection.

    It was horrifying and liberating to lose my self image as well as the false reflections I called mom and dad.  

    Unraveling the narcissistic…was to uncover all the lies…about me and my relationships.

    I guess the reason you need to be a narcissistic is that you are wanting to be someone different or to hide the truth about someone.  It is the life of believing in reflections…in words that don't reflect the truth.





  • Filled with Joy

    More from Mary Pipher's book, "Seeking Peace"

    "With crises, some people dig deeper into their entrenched identities and hide in the pup tent of their old beliefs. Many people simply numb themselves with television or self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. Some people blame all their pain on others and never examine their own role in creating problems. Other sufferers shrink their worlds into something small and manageable but actually quite false. People with eating disorders are an example of this narrowing of scope. The questions of the day boil down to simply “Have I gained weight?”

    "For all people, regardless of the crisis, the cure is always growth.Looking back from the vantage point of five years, I understand that my winter of sorrow was a gift. As Parker Palmer said in an interview, “To move closer to God is to move closer to everything, both joy and sorrow, light and darkness.” We may experience post-traumatic stress reactions, but we are beginning a process of post-traumatic growth syndrome. Darkness and loss signal to us more clearly than anything else that it is time to expand our point of view."  

    What I love was the grouping of words, "Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome". We often hear about PTSD, but now how it can be the catalyst for growing up, if you are willing to face the pain…to sit with the emotions and feelings.

    And she further writes, "

    "I was captivated by the concept of mindfulness, which is described as a bird whose wings are compassion and awareness. I realized that my tendency to avoid confronting unpleasant reality had to do with my lack of compassion for myself. I couldn’t afford to look too closely at events or I might see my own imperfections. When I did that, I punished myself mercilessly. Then again, if I could learn to accept myself in all situations, I could afford to see clearly. I could learn to be honest and gentle."

    It is true, that when you can see the messy reality and not be afraid to see yourself as a mess and as dysfunctional as the dysfunction, you then can accept everything. I have found most people don't want to explore and examine the mess for they will see them selves in a light that is unattractive and very much imperfect.

    But, you can't expect to look at a dysfunctional past and only see the positive aspects of yourself.  IT is in seeing where you lacked awareness, reason and clear insight, that you find the answers. 

    She also wrote this…

    "One of the saddest things about despair is our attempt to deny it. To move toward our pain requires us to buck a well-tuned system of defenses. We repress, somatize, rationalize and avoid our own despair. Too often we give our deepest pain orders to march off a cliff, forgetting that this pain is our psyche’s way of encouraging us to take it easy and offer ourselves some compassion." Mary

    This I find is the first step….going toward the pain and letting our defenses down…and perhaps learning how to become compassionate to our wounds…instead of moving away, seeking 'only positive' aspects.

    To accomplish running from the past and all your inherited dyfunctional traits will not lead to a positive life.  You simply can't just think away the past…you have to literally go down to the depths and not hide in the pup tents of your beliefs.  

    It is the opposite of what your mind tells you.  It tells you that if you want a positive life, you have to steer wide and clear of all things negative and painful.  And, the opposite is true…you are just shrinking your world into something you can manage and calling it a 'positive life'.

    Oddly, the more you explore and examine you and your heritage and experiences, the more your world expands and the more aware you are and a bigger vantage point are you looking upon your world.

    Going into the pain is the doorway to a life filled with joy.



  • Reflect That.

    Karma - "The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny."

    While doing yoga today, it came to me that Karma isn't about what you do for others so much as it is what you do for you. How your actions are in harmony with your truth and spirit.

    Karma is very personal…it is between your soul and how you present yourself to the world.

    Karma isn't about doing for others at the cost of your own inner peace, love and joy.

    Our lives (karma) are echoing back how we feel about ourselves…not what we do for others.

    Our destiny is decided by how we speak our feelings and how we create boundaries as we care for our self.  

    Karma is self care…self love…being one with your spirit.

    Our karmic care is lost in a multitude of ways…for me it was abuse and being raised by a woman who was selfish, but not self caring…if that makes sense.

    She wasn't able to care for her self, let alone for the 14 children she gave birth to.

    I wasn't given a good role model on how to sow a destiny of love, peace and joy for my self.

    What I hear many saying is that they are going forward with the positive, and leaving their past behind.  

    And, what I see is that they are unwilling to examine their karmic trail, to see the exact science of cause and effect, and it is how we respond that plants a new karmic seed.

    I just don't see how being 'kind' to my father served my mother.

    It left her with a husband that was incapable to love, no matter how 'loving' she was.

    This is what I mean by our karma isn't doing for others, but rather doing for our selves.

    She would have taught her daughters a completely different lesson, had she been aware of what her actions were doing to her self.

    I had always felt that she had multiple opportunities for a redo…each time he committed another act of abuse…she was given a choice to act differently, but time and time again, she failed to change her response.  She doesn't know how to begin to begin to change her karma.  She will always get what she has been getting, for she is doing what she has always done.

    There is an internal cost to loving people who hurt you.  Each time you focus on their needs and neglect your needs…you are being unloving and uncaring to your self.

    I just can't see how treating yourself poorly will grant you a karmic trail of love, peace and joy.

    You are not giving love if it is hurtful to your self…you are hurting your self and I am not sure what the other person is getting except perhaps a false message…or a message of how much you are okay hurting yourself.

    We are not responsible for the content and the destiny of each other's lives.

    We are only repsonsible for our own life. 

    Our life reviews will be feeling what we have done to others.

    If you are loving them falsely, you will feel this empty love.

    I believe that my karma path changed, my life's destiny was greatly altered when I began living from the inside out.  I went from expecting others to make me me….and instead worked on creating my own self.

    A self that had boundaries and self care rules.

    I no longer was self less and could do anything for anyone.

    I had an inner awareness of this living breathing soulful self who was affected by how I acted.

    I no longer lied to myself.

    I no longer pretended at the cost of myself.

    I became extremely aware of how each action I did was setting up my future world. For, I had experienced living a life, blind to the karmic response…and was intent on making others happy, while completely neglecting me.  And yet, I was very narcisistic.

    I just read that narcistic people can be either controlling or neglectful…and I believe that the difference between a narcistic person and one who is self loving is how they see/love themselves.

    I have been reading just a bit on narissistic people, and here is how I see it.

    They need someone else to show them themselves…they are incapable of seeing themselves by themselves.

    Meaning, I was a good mother IF my children showed me how I was.  

    I was a good friend, if a friend could show me how I was by what they said about me.

    If another person wasn't there, there was no me.  My sense of self was just a reflection.  I had no inner view of myself.

    A narsissistic person disappears without you telling them who they are.  It is a job that is endless.  My mother is only a mother if we make her one.  On her own, she is very much not a mother.  I was/am the maker of the mother daughter relationship…she couldn't be a mother without me.

    I know this will seem vaguely mental, but unless and until you can get away from the reflection of how others see you….you will not get this.

    I have deflected if you will all other's opinions, and have gained a connection with me inside.  I have literally turned inward to find out who I am.

    In doing so, my karma has changed from being narsisstic to being self loving.

    Anytime you are worried about your reflection (how others see you) you are dancing on the lip of being narsisstic.

    My mother believed, that her reflection of how she seen my father would change him…for, she loved her reflection of her self and not her self.  So, she worked on repeatedly changing his reflection by how she saw him.  And failed to see the real him.

    The world is not set up for us to change each other.  Imagine how brutal that would be, to have your image continual changed by how others seen you. Which they do and it does…but only in their eyes.

    No one can change my image of me, but me.

    I am solely responsible for my actions and my responses. It is my intention to pay attention to my inner world and the outer world will reflect that.






  • Who controls your actions?

    When I thought about the decision making event or Judgment, it came to me that a way to avoid making a decision is to excuse or reason the second option away…meaning if there is only one choice, there is no need to make a decision.

    You just have to get rid of the second choice that popped up.

    You can do this by one of two ways…making excuses or finding reasons for this behavior…in a way that will make it reasonably okay and less negative.

    The more you can eliminate the negative values, the more positive it can be, hence no need to decide between two, for now the negative appears almost positive in nature.

    I have heard many excuses and reasons for remaining in abusive, toxic and dysfunctional relationships and none of them have to do with the actual negative action, but all have to do with 'understanding' how the person acts that way.

    "She didn't have a mother….so she doesn't know how to mother…."  

    "She was abused by her brother…so she doesn't know how to love or what abuse is."

    "He was abused by a neighborhood girl…and this is why he is this way."

    "His marriage wasn't good anyway so it isn't like he cheated really…"

    It is shocking how 'good' people will find reasons and excuses for bad behavior to almost make those actions seem reasonable.

    What comes to mind is "Two wrongs don't make it right."

    Our ability to water down behaviors with excuses is how we navigate life running from decisions.  Isn't if funny, in a peculiar way, how we would rather stand tough on the excuses and reasons…rather than stand silent with the action.

    We don't want to be uncomfortable with just the naked action….we like to dress it up with reasons and excuses. We want to reason it way….out of kindness and understanding…draping words to deflect what is.

    What I find as insane is how many believe that words of reasons and excuses are reasonable things to believe in…that they will trump any action.

    I have been told many times in the past 8 years, that I don't understand and I don't know them, I haven't walked in their shoes….mostly these are pleas to hear the reasons and the excuses for a negative behavior.

    Is there really a good reason to neglect and abuse a child?  I do get it that patterns are passed down, but if we sit in the lap of accepting excuses, we will never break the patterns.

    Can there ever be a good reason to cheat or lie…

    I heard a line on the radio…and I can't remember the context…was it a book on CD or was it a person talking….but it goes like this.  "If you are ever wondering about a choice you are making….If you don't want that choice to be written on the front page of the paper, do not make that choice."

    Meaning anything you have to hide, is perhaps the wrong choice to be making.

    And I feel, that most often it is the bad choices that are in need of the biggest reasons and excuses…and when you are acting out of character, YOU need me to believe the reasons and the excuses and to NOT focus on your actions.

    I used to be a believer in the excuses and reasons and I overlooked many actions in order to believe in you…only to find out….people are not their reasons and excuses, but they are their behaviors.

    No matter what reasons you give to why my father sexually desired little girls…it will not stop his behavior from happening.

    No matter what excuses you give my mother for being a shallow emotionally retarded woman, it will not change who she is.  

    We have been taught that it is nicer to sit with comfortable reasons and excuses that it is kinder and more loving to understand etc….than it is to look boldly upon their actions and to 'label' them by what they do.

    Not only see their behaviors, but respond in kind.

    The behaviors of my parents has delivered endless pain and suffering and trauma…finding excuses and reasons doesn't lessen or remove the pain, all it does is to deflect it.  To not feel the cost and toll it has taken to be in relationships with them.

    Typically, as far as I can tell….there are the wrong doers and then the excuse makers….and they need each other to live in harmony.

    The wrong doers need you to be reasonable and understanding SO THEY don't have to change their behavior. They need you to find a way to be comfortable with their hurtful actions….and we do.

    It is seen as being more christian like to 'forgive' their sins….than it would be to address them and make them responsible for their actions. 

    It is seen as unloving to point out the negative actions and how they feel upon you.

    Each time we work to understand and excuse away their bad behavior it is to make them appear normal, nice, kind….etc.  It is to make them more positive than they appear.

    The way abuse lives in homes is that there are the excuse and reason makers working like hell to make it all right.  But, all these excuses and reasons do is to try and cover up negative actions.

    But, they can't.

    No matter what you say after a negative action….it will remain negative.

    You can't make abuse look pretty or nice or reasonable.

    You can't make cheating an act of love for anyone.

    All you are doing is living in a space of fantasy…and believing in the reasons and not in the action.

    In the land of reasons and excuses you don't have to decide, for you have erased the very thing you would have to decide upon….and have made it reasonable behavior.

    I am forever amazed at the capacity of the human mind to wrestle with reality and win…to add words to explain away an action…and then the ability of this same mind who changed reality To BELIEVE that which it just changed.

    Amazing.

    Our society, our churches, our religions and much of the rules we live by are engaged in the activity of excuses and reasons…very few have I encountered live in the land of actions mattering more.

    The only way we will ever be able to stop abuse is when we stop making excuses and reasons for unreasonable behavior…and instead start responding to actions.

    I believe that the left side of the brain is used as Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor said, "To take the least amount of informations and weave the most plausible story." 

    I see the left brain as the excuse maker….and believing what it weaves.

    To me, this is an incredibly insane world….when our left brain creates a story using the LEAST amount of information….and we use that as our moral compass.

    We have lost or perhaps never had an awareness to this device or perhaps we were trained to see the world through the left brain. 

    I see how most people have a highly skilled and exceptionally fit left brain…with very little awareness left to see life naked.

    Silently without words.

    Just actions.

    Our left brain immediately wants to get involved and make it different than it is.

    I learned the hard way.  I had built a whole life on the left side that was a complete false world…and one day it all crashed.  I was left standing naked in a reality that I had hidden…in my left brain.  

    All that I didn't want to know or feel or deal with….was still there behind all the reasons and excuses…reality never changed.

    I just now had 45 plus years of unweaving to do.

    I am no longer a weaver of excuses and reasons…but rather I face reality squarely in its face…silencing the left brain's chatter center, as it wants to create an alternate place for me to live.

    There are only two places to live…in the left brain's landscape of reasonable excuses….or in reality.  And yet, in truth…there is only one place. Reality.

    No matter where your focus lies….only one reality exists.  But, there can be a billion reasons as to why.

    Maybe the more intriguing question to ask is why? 

    Why do you act the way you do?

    I never questioned my actions…it was like I was living on remote control…and someone else held the controls.  

    Now, I do focus on the actions…and I do often wonder who is operating their controls….for it often seems like the person has no power over their actions.

    But if they don't, then who does?

    Who controls your actions?




  • Walk in Easily.

    In discoverying that Judgment is actually a decision making event and living with the affects it has your actions…I also see how it clearly shows…what two things you need to decide upon.

    If there were no choices, there would be no need for decision…or "Judgment".

    In families, it is seen as being loyal and loving towards family, if you don't ever change your mind about people who are blood relatives.  Family IS Family, period.

    It is better to only see one choice…Family…and rally and fight to keep this first image alive…than it is to have actual boundaries and standards…(choices).

    How many of us put up with behaviors from families, that we would never tolerate from 'friends' or even strangers?

    We tolerate it and call it 'unconditional' love.  

    One of the most damaging things that we took from our parents home was the fact that my mother had no boundaries, no limits, no set point, nothing.  Anything was permitted by her husband, and she remained a loyal to 'their love' and marriage.  No matter how disloyal and hurtful he was, no matter the amount of damage he inflicted, she stayed loyal, like a blind dog to all his faults. Or worse, 'blessed them away'.

    So she was a blind dog who could see…active denial.

    This type of 'loving' is what she gave us as an example for love.  My father did all sorts of unloving things and it didn't change how she treated him…her tolerance for unloving actions told us it was NOT loving to change her mind.

    Instead she changed her mind on what he did.

    She removed the flaws and bad behavior with the forgiveness of sins….she forgave and forgot and moved back onto the landscape of nice and loving.

    She never let herself stay with the negative…she moved on.  

    Moved away from his negative behaviors.  She never barked or acted mean…she was always the faithful dog…loving the one who hurt her.

    So, there never was two choices, she quickly did what she needed to do to be the loving faithful wife.

    Now, my siblings are doing the same thing…being loving kids…overlooking the negative to have a positive relationship…if that is even possible?

    I told my brother, I don't care if I get an F as daughter, but I have boundaries within relationships.  I have expectations and standards and I will not lower the bar to the ground so family/friends can roll their butts over the line.

    What is see in dysfunctional families is the lack of a bar… so they don't then have to decide who makes it over or who falls short.  

    There will be no choices if you don't have standards.

    All types are welcome.

    Treat me kind or treat me mean…I will remain faithful always.

    Faithful to the family. Blood is Blood!

    Family is family…is a refrain I have heard repeated in its disloyal strength…

    They see me as being very cold and heartless and Judging…when I kick family out…for not reaching my bar.  

    I am not a family player.

    How dare I set a bar at all??? Who do I think I am that I can set limits for them to aspire to or fall short of?

    How difficult it has to be for your children to have this bar…to worry about falling short of the bar…

    And, I see their bars on the ground and wonder how they can live like that?

    How can you let anyone into your home?  How can you allow any types of behavior tag on to the backs of family and not flick and eyelid?  How is it okay to accept all and call it love?

    Really?

    All behaviors are loving behaviors?  

    Only God gets to decide (judge what is a bad behavior…you can't?

    This leaves you sitting bar less…like a faithful dog hoping that no one will hurt you…powerless without a protective fence.  Hoping for a loving relationship to bloom…someday.

    It is like you are the dog and the dog owner…and you have chained yourself to people who are hurting you…but hoping they don't.

    All I know, is that I lived both ways…and I prefer having my bar off the ground. To know I have the power to move away from people who hurt.  

    I am glad I have the ability to make decisions…that I don't have to be in relationships with people who hurt me.

    And let me tell you it hurts more when family hurts you…than if a complete stranger lies…or betrays you.  

    But, I also know by setting boundaries, I am teaching my children to not be a helpless dog…that you don't have to continue to love those that hurt you.

    I am showing them a new pattern….one that I wasn't given.

    I know family is family…until they hurt you…then we get to decide again.

    I can only see hurt being healed if the one who hurts you works to change their behavior, learns that it isn't okay to hurt family.

    Hurting families are abusive families.

    You simply can't get a loving family without boundaries.

    We were taught in the church and in our abusive home, that you are not worthy of setting you own boundaries, of having a set of standards that may exclude some….

    Many see me as being alone and isolated for my bar is too high. 

    Really?  Too high…so not to let pedophiles and cheaters in?  Really that is too high?

    And I ask, how low is your bar if they can walk in easily?


  • More Worthy than me.

    I noticed something about the "after the shopping trip" feeling that was different…especially a trip that was 80% purchases for me…and about 75% fluffy things, not necessities.

    In the past, I typically had to 'have a reason' to buy what I buy or perhaps it is more like justification, making sure not to 'over indulge' myself…and this time, it carried a new energy.

    My girls and I spent a day shopping.  I had a couple of things I needed, but mostly it was a girl get together day…us out with each other seeing new things and going to dinner…but, I kept tripping over great things for Me…and in the past, I would talk myself out of it and let them stay in the store. This time, if it was perfect for me, I bought it. 

    I didn't go crazy, but I did indulge in things I LOVE…and I didn't have buyers remorse after.  I almost put a few items away for Christmas…."from Santa", but I couldn't decide what I didn't want now….so, I put them all into the 'for use now' flow of me.

    I went into a store called "Teavana" for a cup of tea and came out with a cool tea steeper for loose tea and a canister of a great blend of tea. Who knew such a deal even existed. But, today I have had two great cups of that Tea and I Love my new loose tea maker!

    I found wonderful leather gloves for delivering mail, expensive but wonderful smelling perfume, some lotions and potions for my face… a comfy robe for after work relaxing….a designer purse with butter soft leather….and things like that.

    And, all I truly felt was delight for having them…for them being available for me…it was a mutal attraction…and I didn't resist.  Nothing inside of me was whispering "you don't need it" or stopping me from fully receiving.

    I may have spent more than usual on me, but the bigger thing was I accepted and embraced fully my worthiness to receive.

    The energy was about me loving the product…and the product didn't have a job to make me feel anything.  A secondary layer was missing.

    Just me enjoying the new item.

    There wasn't any pressure on the item from me…

    The secondary energy feeling of needing it or needing the feeling of it….etc was not there.  What was there was pleasure in receiving….being able to fully appreciate ITS worth, not what it could do for me.

    I am once again not sure If I can articulate the complete turn around feelings about a product, but the subtle energy was missing.

    I just fully was able to own my purchases as gifts for me.

    Even If I was the gift giver and the receiver.

    There was a joy in finding the perfect gift to give myself.

    I loved shopping for me, for I was such a good receiver.

    When I read about the psychological meaning of blood clots, it said, "Closing down the flow of joy." 

    I now know what it feels like to able to receive Joy…and own that I am worthy.

    What else was unusual, is that a feeling of knowing would happen…a joy of seeing an item for me.  Where in the past I was seeking it, now it seemed the items were seeking me. Knowing I needed them before I did.

    I was shopping all different.  I didn't have a direct route or a plan, but just a loose idea or was 'shopping'….too tired to plan or fight back….I just said yes.

    I wasn't shopping out of need, but bring joy into me.

    It wasn't about the item, but about the feelings of being worthy of saying yes…a slight variation in feelings, that changes the whole dynamic of shopping.

    I think this will be my new way.  Go in and meander around waiting for the next perfect joy to find me.

    When I watched the Ulta Sound machine as I breathed in or held my breath and how the blood flowed towards my heart or fell away.  I see this type of movement with joy.

    This time shopping, joy reached my heart.

    Joy being fully received.

    Before the items were more worthy than me…


  • In Sound Judgment!

    I see two main sticking points between me and my estranged family…and I am certain, they will absolutely agree.

    One, I drew a line in the Cement and refuse to budge.  Second, that what I call the truth, they call judgment.  

    And really, there is only one sticking point…the line in the cement and it is called the truth….

    What is so completely frustrating, is that many will say that they agree with me, that my father is a pedophile, that my mother is 'slightly mental' and both are emotionally bankrupted…and that their lives are a mess…and we all were affected by it, BUT…they will not judge them.

    What does that mean?

    It appears to me, that this word "judgment" only comes in when the next step would require them to do something...and instead, they will say, "I will let God be the one to judge them…"

    I had to go and look up this word Judgment to see just what God is supposed to be doing for these folks, just what are they incapable of doing.

    Judgment - the ability to judge, make a decision or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: A man of sound judgment.

    This is interesting and completely true in my experiences of them.

    It is the inability to make a decision especially in matters affecting action.

    So, here is the deal as I see it.  They can't make the decision or form an opinion that is hard and concrete, FOR THEN it will affect their actions. AND, they are not willing at this time, to change their actions….meaning estrange themselves from family.

    They remain undecided.  Wow.  I could feel them swinging from side to side, but in actuality, they are only swinging in their minds.  Their actions have not changed one bit.  Nothing has been decided…."God will decide for them…"

    Really, God's job is to make decisions for you?  

    I just didn't know that judgment was about making decisions….but more about 'blaming'.  That is how I feel that they look at me, that I am blaming my parents for abuse.  Well, let's see….didn't they abuse their kids?  I made the decision that they did and then it altered my actions.

    The very reason that my actions and their actions do not match, is that I made a decision.  

    I love that judging is making a decision.  

    For I definitely feel that once I made the first huge decision, I had many many more to make.  I had to continue making decisions based upon this one.

    THEY ABUSED THEIR CHILDREN.  That is what I decided…and my life changed completely after this decision.

    So, they are waiting for God to decide IF they abused their children????

    Isn't that what they talked about near my father's dead body???

    What is there to decide?

    OH, yes, it will then require you to live like me. 

    Outside of the family, for father and pedophile have no common denominator.

    Mother and accomplice to sexual abuse, have no common denominator.

    And there is a vast difference between those who judge and those who do not.

    The judging ones make a decision in the cement, there is no going back.

    You all know it….so until then, "You will leave the Judging to God"…so you don't have to decide.

    But hey, while you are pondering this….what do you think about the judgment I made that my father abused girls???  If you haven't 'decided' on this…you make the little girls liars.

    For isn't HE INNOCENT, until proven guilty???

    And doesn't that make us guilty Until he is proven innocent?

    You all are wimping out on making a line in cement….and while you do, you are discrediting each little girls story.  For, according to the Detective's report that I read, RAY Huhta was not innocent.  And, I made a decision upon hearing a little girl's voice that echoed my fears…I decided then, without even going to trial, that the little girl was correct, she spoke the truth….and it has affected actions incredibly.

    I have moved away from anyone who remains undecided.

    Your indecision has me guilty and him innocent.

    And, from the way I have been ostracized it fits completely.

    I am guilty….of what???

    Oh yeah of making a decision.

    I decided that they abused the children…and there is not one action step that doesn't tell you so.  I have acted completely and relentlessly…for the innocence of the girls.

    I am thankful for the conversations blasting me with anger about this word judgment…for now I will understand how it pertains to me completely.  

    It is true, I judged my parents….

    This was one of the first decisions I made independently…one that I know is supported in truth and fits into reality.  It wasn't a decision based on lies.

    I stand in sound judgment!


  • Brings Up the Unease.

    While doing yoga today, I could clearly feel how yoga isn't for the body, but to the residual affects of not following your truth.  That all the times I did not feel and follow my feelings and emotions, left a trail of unease….and this unease lingers in the cells and muscle of the body, waiting to be seen/felt/expressed.

    I also wondered what is guilt.  Where is the guilt organ or muscle found….

    What came to me is that guilt is not doing that which you feel is your truth.

    It truly isn't about anyone else.

    What also came is that guilt is NOT about not helping others, but rather NOT following your self. 

    The guilt feelings are you not being able to be honest and authentic to you.  To follow what you know is true, regardless of how long you have been living a life of lies to yourself.

    So, yoga to me, is ridding your self of the places you are not true to you…and bringing up the feelings and emotions you shoved aside in order to please another.

    The reason I have no new guilt, is that I have now been living my life from the inside out, from what is true for me.  

    As Martha Beck said, "I repectfully don't care…" what others want or need me to do.

    My first and only person I have to be at peace with is my self.

    I am no longer willing or able to store up un-felt emotions or push aside what I feel in order to make your life comfortable or right.

    What came too, was that the church is based upon guilty feelings.  And I can see why a cult member would be ravaged with guilt.  For, they are not following their own North Star, but instead following what the leader wants. 

    And, in dysfunctional homes the parent, no matter who impaired is held in high esteem….and honored and respected. Typically demanding each.

    If you dare to speak what you feel and act accordingly, you will not store volumes of moments where you did the opposite of what your true self believed.

    Somehow we have screwed up serving others first….and serving them while discounting our self.  I believe, you are not truly giving if you are going against your inner self.

    If, in order to be 'giving and kind' you have squelch your feelings…you are hurting yourself to give.

    How can that be kind, if you are unkind to yourself.

    Guilt is when you neglect your own inner feelings in order to serve another.

    You are leaving yourself behind.  And, I believe, this dis ease, this contradiction is stored in your body….there are feelings that are not at peace.  At some point, the body's health will gain your attention. 

    The body is innocent…but stored in the tissues are all the years of neglecting your spirit…

    Yoga brings up the unease.