Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

I love this analogy from yesterday's reading by Mark Nepo.

The Art of Facing Things What people have forgotten is what every salmon knows. —ROBERT CLARK 

Salmon have much to teach us about the art of facing things. In swimming up waterfalls, these remarkable creatures seem to defygravity. It is an amazing thing to behold. A closer look reveals a wisdom for all beings who want to thrive. 

What the salmon somehow know is how to turn their underside—from center to tail—into the powerful current coming at them, which hits them squarely, and the impact then launches them out and further up the waterfall; to which their reaction is, again, to turn their underside back into the powerful current that, of course, again hits them squarely; and this successive impact launches them further out and up the waterfall. Their leaning into what they face bounces them further and further along their unlikely journey. 

From a distance, it seems magical, as if these mighty fish are flying, conquering their element. In actuality, they are deeply at one with their element, vibrantly and thoroughly engaged in a compelling dance of turning-toward-and-being-hit-squarely that moves them through water and air to the very source of their nature. 

In terms useful to the life of the spirit, the salmon are constantly faithful in exposing their underside to the current coming at them. Mysteriously, it is the physics of this courage that enables them to move through life as they know it so directly. We can learn from this very active paradox; for we, too, must be as faithful to living in the open if we are to stay real in the face of our daily experience. In order not to be swept away by what the days bring, we, too, must find a way to lean into the forces that hit us so squarely. 

The salmon offer us a way to face truth without shutting down. They show us how leaning into our experience, though we don't like the hit, moves us on. Time and again, though we'd rather turn away, it is the impact of being revealed, through our willingness to be vulnerable, that enables us to experience both mystery and grace.  Mark Nepo

 

I totally get what he is writing about, especially when it comes to hearing the truth when it isn't pleasant or kind.  When it crashes into what you have previously believed. 

I somehow was taught to not climb the waterfall of truth, but to duck beneath it and just stay with the positive.  

I am now much like the Salmon.  I face it squarely with my full insides.  I want to know the truth and oddly, instead of drowning me, I am actually becoming stronger and as I see it in my life, moving ahead.

Dodging the truth will not advance your life at all.

And facing it fully in the belly, feeling the sharp jolts of the truth, will actually let you rise above it….and not drown.

As human beings, we somehow believe that the truth will be the death of us….when the complete opposite is true.  

Knowing who my father was and how he lived his life, actually allowed me to live mine.  

Like a salmon, I have been climbing the sometimes endless waterfall of truth….advancing bit by bit…letting the truth slam me in the gut time and time again…it has given me courage and strength to advance in my life.

I can understand how this seems improbable, how it seems that you are swimming in the endless flow of negativity, but actually you are turning the negative into a positive advancing movement. 

While most want to turn their bellys away from the negative, believing that it will keep them positive, it actually weakens them.

I didn't become strong by turning away from the truths….the truths actually showed me where I had been weak.

"I was entirely alienated from both my inner and outer worlds. All my life, I have found it difficult to admit I am feeling anger, fear or bitterness. Ever anxious that certain feelings would make me an evil person or cost me love, I have locked out unacceptable feelings. That winter I dealt with my “bad” feelings as if I were a hanging judge. I found them guilty and executed them as quickly as I could. However, all that resistance created more intensity and anxiety." Mary Pipher

In reading this I had to post another post.  

What I find so enthralling about my journey is that when I began expressing my truth and my feelings, I was depicted as evil.  

I was taught and shown by example not to express anger, fear and bitterness…but rather depict a sunny face, no matter what.  And, you especially did not show anger, fear or bitterness against family.  You had to keep those feelings under lock and throw away the key.

What you all may not understand, is that even if you feel them and don't release them by feeling them out loud, you will be feeling them…but it turns into rage against innocent people and things.

The sheer volume of rage I had inside of me, that I directed towards my children in moments that did not warrant that volume, makes me a believer in this.  All my years of keeping a lid on my own inner truths, made a huge volcano inside…that could be tapped at any moment, if my children didn't respond in the manner I needed in that moment.

I became unglued.  My rage, fear and all other negative feelings came rushing to the surface needing an outlet.

What I know for certain is that each time I have gone back and felt an emotion that wasn't pleasant, it made me more pleasant.

It is just the opposite of what I had thought.

I thought if you expressed rage and anger about abuse, you would get left bitter and angry….when the opposite is more true.

There are things in life that will ignite feelings of rage and anger….so let them come up to be expressed at the actual moment in time. Don't hide them or speak falsely about how you feel.

Being truthful with your words and feelings.

It was scary for me to do this, for I was taught that 'good girls' don't make waves, they don't act up and they don't speak their minds.  Good girls are always nice. They take all kinds of treatments and smile…nicely.  Evil girls will act up and say what is on their minds.  They are misbehaving.

I love being a 'bad' girl for walking with my truth…for being unruly and disruptive…it feels so much better and freer than having to clamp down on my feelings and words.

I used to walk around with clenched fists….literally.  Holding all my feelings in check.

Until one day reality was bigger than I…I was overwhelmed by what I was supposed to keep inside.  I wasn't big enough…there was no more room to push down any more.  

I exploded in feelings.

From Mark Nepo's book, "The Awakening" - October 28th

"I have stopped. You have not." —BUDDHA 

"There is a story of how, just before he was hung, Angulimala, the murderer, became an Arahant, or worthy one, because of his encounter with Buddha. Angulimala had seemingly been so driven from his own life that he was taking the lives of others. Perhaps it was timing, the readiness of a man about to die confronted with the unwavering presence of an authentic spirit; no one will ever know. But it is said that the two stood before each other for a very long time, and when the silence seemed to part some veil from Angulimala's eyes, Buddha said to him, “I have stopped. You have not stopped.” This was followed by an equally telling silence, after which the fortress of cruelty that Angulimala had built around his heart crumbled. It is said that, though Angulimala was hung with a rope made from the fingerbones of his victims, in the moments between Buddha's words and his own last breath, Angulimala truly lived." 

"Of course, such a story is a penetrating riddle. What had this man not stopped that enabled him to murder? And what had Buddha stopped that enabled him to be enlightened? Though we will never know, we can suggest that the thing not stopped might be any form of running from the risk and pain of being alive, such as denial, hiding, projection. For any form of running from the truth of ourselves can lead to such a numb existence that one can become violent in order to feel. If we don't stop running, we can murder ourselves again and again by taking the lives of others, either physically through violence or sexually through conquest or emotionally through dominance and control or professionally through power." 

"Ultimately, however you enter this riddle, we are both Buddha and Angulimala, and we repeatedly need to have this conversation with ourselves in order to stay compassionate and real."  Mark Nepo

Somehow I was taught to escape the truth over and over again, to focus on the good times and then the good times will be....

Even today, I am asked repeatedly to let the abuse go...when what I am doing actually is bringing in all that I had run from.  It all came home to roost and now it is time to pay.  I pay my past debt by feeling.  I also had to look at what I did so as to not risk the pain of being alive. I had to see the life I led that enabled me to run from the truth of our family.

What I am doing today is no longer running, but stopping and feeling...either past unexpressed emotions or expressing emotions in the present.  

In the past I had a great need for dominance and control....of others.  Now, I work at just staying in control of me.  

Each person is allowed to move freely and I then too can counter act by moving how I feel.

In reading this, you can clearly see how the most controlling people are the farthest away from their self.

There is no need to control others, IF you have full control of who you are.

I recall it being very liberating and extremely frightening, when I knew to the depth of my soul, the only one I had power over was me.  

In recognizing that....I gave the power back to everyone else.  I no longer carried the responsibility of their choices....where before I felt I did.

As a mother, it was scary to give your children their lives back...especially for a very controlling mother....but I did.  I let them all go free.

I am allowed to voice an opinion, to share wisdom, but in the end, their lives are separated from me.  They have their own Karma wheel...and what they do onto others, will be done on to them...

Mostly I try and show the cause and affect.  They can move this way....but it will make me move that way.  

A long while back, I knew as a mother I was the consequence lady.

The kids were allowed to make a choice and I then had a consequence for that choice.  It is how the Universe works.  Your free will....has a consequence.

You can run, but you cannot hide. All that you are running from is running with you...you simply can't out run the truth.

 

"The Buddha said that in order to be free, one must accept, even embrace, suffering."  Mary Pipher

I heard this women being interviewed on XM Radio…and so I ordered her book.  

Here is what I love…so far.

"There are three kinds of secrets—those we keep from certain people but not others; those we keep from everyone, and those we keep from ourselves. Writing this book forced me to deal with all three. Many formerly private aspects of my life are now public. Even Jim and my children learned new things about me. And as I explored my own life, I was shattered to discover many aspects of my experience I had long avoided. For most of my life, I have recalled good times and loving moments."

"When I remembered my girlhood, I painted myself into scenes as a happy, loved girl, filled with honorable intentions. I worked to construct a temple of comforting beliefs—that I was nurtured, respected, and in control. With this quest, I have probed deep layers of memory that I had long struggled to ignore. As I faced the facts and examined painful recollections, I realized that what happened to me is both more unpleasant and more interesting than my previous “official” story. When I finally gave myself permission to travel with my eyes open, my reactions have been a clamorous mix of “Hallelujah” and “Ouch.”  Mary Pipher "Seeking Peace"

It is true, that when you write you can no longer escape your secrets and in writing I often struggled with wanting to hide things, again….and then I make myself be truthful…as I can…so I don't build another story to hide behind.

Here is another part that I liked…

"Of course, not all people grow from crises. Some refuse to accept the need for redefinition, and orchestrate their own intellectual and emotional shutdown. Those who do grow manage to stay awake to the anguish, confusion and self-doubt. This requires a high tolerance for discomfort, as well as the ability to see the world as it is, not as they wish it to be. Over time, the people who continue to struggle emerge wiser, kinder and more resilient. After they have broken and rebuilt themselves, they feel less breakable."  Mary Pipher

And a quote I took from her radio interview was…"We all suffer, but we don't all grow."

It is true we all will suffer, but we will not all grow from our suffering….and to me that seems like you suffer for nothing.  To stay awake to the anquish, confusion and self doubt…will grow. 

I have had a long spell of growing…and I would not trade my journey with anyone.  

They say, "You are as sick as your secrets…."  I guess it would make more sense to say you are as weak as the secrets you keep. My strength came from being transparent.

I copied more from the article, in case some didn't click on the link to read.  It was very enlightening to me, and I want it to be on my blog site.  

Most of us assume many things about abusers, but many of us can't even begin to comprehend what goes on in their minds.  What I continue to say about my father is that he orchestrated and manipulated everything. They do not leave anything to chance.

Reading this article written by Andrew Vachss actually affirms this.

 "In America, we respect titles more than knowledge. But despite intellectualized attempts to merge the “psychopath” and the “sociopath,” there are significant differences between them. They share some characteristics—a total absence of empathy, a profound sense of entitlement, and a complete lack of conscience. The last explains why they never bounce the needles on a polygraph, a machine which does not detect lies, but only measures “guilty knowledge.” Neither ever feels guilt for their conduct, because they do not experience—or even conceptualize—guilt.

    Also, neither sociopaths nor psychopaths will seek “treatment” unless compelled to do so by a court, and even then they will simply use the opportunity to improve their skill-set, such as faking empathy for their victims while facing a parole board.

    But there are distinctions between the two. A psychopath is generally incapable of (or dismissive of) cost-benefit analysis, unlike a sociopath, who will engage in such calculation. So for example, a sociopath who is an intrafamilial child sexual offender is likely to continue his behavior with subsequent children of his own, or even to seek out “single moms” who advertise their status in various forms of social media … but he is not likely to abduct children of strangers. Both offenders are predatory pedophiles, but their target range will vary radically.

    A psychopath is capable of bonding only to the extent of creating a folie à deuxrelationship, which psychiatry calls a “shared psychosis,” (but would be more correctly termed a toxic gestalt, as there is always a far more dominant “half” in such a relationship). Examples include Bradley and Hindley, Leopold and Loeb, Bianchi and Buono. One psychopath might quote Nietzsche eloquently; another might not even be able to read his tripe. But a serial-killing psychopath always writes his own script, seeking a level of internal stimulation available to them only through the pain of others.

    The utter helplessness of their victims is always a trail-marker of psychopaths. Some, such as Gertrude Baniszewski, take advantage of opportunities; others, such as Ted Bundy, create them. Unlike sociopaths, psychopaths have no “goal” which, if attained, would cause their behavior to cease. Their need never goes away, although the fulfillment of that need is often dose-related … what once “satisfied” them eventually will no longer suffice. And escalation is virtually guaranteed.

    Psychopaths are characterized by implacable relentlessness. They can neither be deterred by any law (including the death penalty), nor benefit from any “treatment.” They have all the insight into their own behavior they need, because they know what they want to do. Fear of consequences is non-existent with them—the very possibility of consequences doesn’t register.

    Psychopaths are the ultimate toxin in the bloodstream of humanity, but they are not “born bad.” Fetal alcoholism, pre-frontal lobe malformation, closed-head injuries, the XXY chromosome … all have been found in psychopaths. And all have been found in those who never walk the psychopath’s chosen road.

    The essential difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is that a sociopath’s goals—money, success, attention—are shared by most of us, to some extent. But because they are not dragged down by all our ethical “baggage,” sociopaths can move more quickly toward such goals, and they would have no reservations about removing anything that stood between them and what they want.In contrast, a psychopath seeks gratification—rape, torture, murder-for-entertainment—that most of us don’t. We have great difficulty imagining why any human being would want to commit the acts psychopaths engage in.

    It gets murky when we run across sociopaths who produce child pornography but who are not what are generically called “pedophiles.” They are simply selling a product, and completely indifferent as to how that product is produced, or to what use it is put. No different from arms dealers or contraband traffickers (from cocaine to children), the gratification is the money and the power that comes with accumulating it.

    Put more bluntly: a sociopath would sell a snuff film; a psychopath would makeone.

    But when it comes to predatory pedophiles, knowing the difference makes no difference, because there is no cure. So the sooner we stop being lulled into a false sense of security by the mythology that peddles “treatment,” the safer our children will be.

    What we call something doesn’t matter. There is one undeniable truth about predators: if we refuse to see them while we still have a chance, we’ll never see them coming later—when we don’t.

 Andrew Vachss

Some how we continue to be lulled into this weird 'safe zone' by forced treatment and/or making them be on a sexual register etc. When there is no treatment for a cure.  We never hear that it will only be cured upon death.  

We the people have to hear this and own it.  

There is no cure!!!  Their lives will always and forever be open opportunities to molest again and again. They will continue to do whatever and say whatever to lull you into believing it will never happen again.  

They do not work alone.

Also, predatory pedophiles….how they will ensure to get victims even by dating or marrying someone with children. My father won the lottery when he married a woman who believed in zero birth control.  He was constantly fed new models by the sheer numbers 14 children will produce.  He died having 49 grandchildren and I am not sure how many great-grands.  There was no need to go out and snatch a child, they were willingly brought to him.

My father controlled our family making sure his pedophilia needs were met.  He had his wife guilt his adult children to bring their girls to him.  My mother was his second in command.  I did feel guilty if I didn't go to Sunday Dinner. It worked on me.  I did bring my children to him.  "Grandpa enjoys it when his kids come home."

I wish I could say that my family was the last living family where this stuff goes on. But, inside of each pedophile family is a similar scene being played out…he is manipulating the non-abusers…and for multiple reasons, they are going along.

It also struck me yesterday about the lack of conscience in pedophiles and how we have a church who preaches to the conscience within us….

If you all are expecting the pedophiles within the church to have a come to Jesus moment, forget about it.  You have to have a conscience first.

Fathers without a conscience are not fathers.  

If all you take away from this article is this….the lack of conscience and what that fully entails…you will begin to see the trail that you followed perfectly….you have been played by a pedophile like a flute.

Imagine, we have a 'lie detector' and it only works if you have a conscience…..and we use this to 'detect' a pedophile who will ace this test everytime.  

Lie Detectors don't work if you don't have a conscience. I know that recently a few folks have taken lie detector tests to 'clear' them of the title pedophile….Really?

Who is more the fool?  

We are…for putting full trust in the machine.

What is reality showing you?  How many have stories and tales about the behavior of these men have been told?  I for one, have been confused by the passing of the lie detector and it then made the victims appear to be liars.  Instead, the machine was unable to detect a conscience.

How perfect.  A pedophile without a conscience….makes perfect sense to me.  

We need to stop putting a conscience and feelings and love etc into a person who is showing you it is not there.

Pedophiles are using the very tools we have full faith in.  What I am here to tell you, forgiveness of their sins (sexual abuse) doesn't work. They don't disappear into a lake called Grace….and the lie detectors don't work on them. It is time for all of us to rely on reality.

Reality is waiting for us to act upon it.  Not to look away and believe away and test it away.  It is waiting for us to move.  The pedophiles lives are going on uninterrupted, due to our lack of movement.

Movement in the direction of fully embracing, "There is no cure."  and "It can't be blessed away."  

You have to be willing to lose it all in order to save your self and your children.

As long as you stay, you are feeding the pedophile….he will not stop sexually abusing until he dies.  Get that.  Hold it and never let it go. You are in a battle you can't win by staying.