I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Change the Legacy.

     

    "The gift of the Habit of Forgiveness is that it reverses our tendency to allow the sins of the offender to eclipse the freedom and power of the wounded. In the end, Forgiveness is less about the offender than it is about healing and liberating those who have been hurt. Focusing with so much passion on the person who is in the wrong becomes an excuse to not move forward."  Ed Bacon, 8 Habits of Love- Open your heart, Open your Mind.

     

    The death of my father has brought back front and center the vast differences between my siblings and I…shining a spotlight on my weird choices and the absence of obligations etc.  

    My odd choices are reflective of my liberation and freedom from the party line.  I am no longer shackled to the hard held rules of family obligations.

    Those obligations disintegrated…when my father laid down the father role and engaged in sexual activities with me.  I just wasn't aware of them until I was 46 years old. When I discovered the abuse, I did a complete 360, and I no longer felt obligated to act like a daughter.

    This one choice has put me at complete odds with the family. 

    I am no longer treating my parents as parents and I their daughter.

    The change began with them, not with me.  I didn't start this dance, they did.  The moment my father abused and my mother looked away….the daughter relationship shattered.  

    With a mind empty of memories, but a body in fear, I went along believing that something was wrong with me.  Only to find out at 46, that both of them betrayed the child love and trust, and that I wasn't born with fear and not love inside, it was due to my experiences with them.

    It happened very quickly that I turned into myself and began to make choices based upon what was loving to me…after I knew who they were.  I was liberated from the abuse by the truth there was abuse.  There was abuse, not love.  There were lies that eroded the family that began with the parents. My body wasn't lying, they were.

     Forgiveness to me is "Accepting that the past cannot be any different." 

    There is nothing, I as a daughter, can do to change what is.  

    I didn't begin this mess, and I cannot change it…however, I can change how I live to lessen the impact abuse has upon my husband and children.

    Had I not change and done a 360, I would not be where I am today.

    I may be one of the minorities whose lives completely changed due to finding out abuse lived in our family home, and of that I am completely proud.

    The journey to transform myself out of dysfunction is not an easy road…for I literally had to go against family members to change.

    They will not encourage and clap as you make a choice that is the complete opposite of theirs.

    But, the only way I can see abuse not dribbling unto the next generation is to do the opposite of what was done to you.

    My mother looked away for reasons of her own.

    I looked at the abuse done to me as well as my abusive behaviors to others…I looked at her denial and mine.  I looked and I looked and I chose actions that would lead me to a new exit.  

    This wasn't done lightly and with no regard. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, but one of the most transformative for me and for my own family tree.

    I have truly strived to not let the sins of the offenders, eclipse the freedom and power of me.  

    I didn't know how I would act upon one of my parent's deaths… would I feel guilty for the years of estrangement, would regret push its way into my heart….what would I feel?  As an estranged member of my family, how would my family act towards me, when once again, I make choices that are not theirs?  

    Oddly, each time I stand alone with what is true for me, I gain strength of knowing who I am.  I feel the power of being an individual and the separation from being tightly bound.

    In the past ALL my choices were based upon the happiness, comfort, approval of others….now there is just me.

    For, if you are not at peace inside, if your choices don't sit well inside of you….then nothing others can do will bring you peace.  Peace, Love and Joy are all inside jobs.

    My total freedom to do what I feel is right for me, shows complete forgiveness…for I have the power to be free.  

    The opposite of abuse… has to be freedom!


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    This is a scene I pass each day on my mail route.  Nature standing naked in all its glory.  In nature I find common ground…I learn that being truthfully me…makes me who I am.  Whether it matches what others want from me or not, it is all I can be.

    I like a tree find that it is impossible to change my truth, my past, my history…all I can do is act today what will grow a new tomorrow…change the legacy.


  • Sands of the Caribbean

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    This is my last picture of my jeep, before it became "Not My Jeep".  I was a bit sad to see it go, for I had just gotten back into it after a long summer in the mail car.  I loved to be sitting up high, having the steering wheel on the right side, having a CD player to listen to books…(I got left hanging in the middle of a book).  

    It was great in the snow and snow is coming….but, today I will see about finalizing the details on the purchase of a new Jeep. Well, New to me.  It is a 2011 four door…a bit classy for the backroads of Tapiola, but I will have a great ride this winter.

    My old Jeep was sold to a young guy who has plans on putting different bumpers on it, ones with winches and a Snorkle. Oh, the snorkle isn't on the bumpers….not sure where that goes.  But yes it needs a snorkle so it can keep running in deep water. Imagine, my jeep is going into bush and mud!  And here, I was so careful to clean it up for the new owner.  It will have fun up here for awhile, but its ultimate destination is St. Lucia…the Island in the Caribbean….how cool is that for my jeep.  I told them I want a picture when it is done being 'fixed up'….and at its final home.

    My jeep will not know what hit it….from the dusty roads of Tapiola to the sands of the Caribbean!


  • Their dad.

    "REST IN PEACE" is for the living…


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    is a phrase I read somewhere…and I agree.  

    My father passed away.  Most often I call him Ray. The father part, for me, died about 8 years ago.  My sorrow was then, my pain and grief all were felt in great depths, back then. Today, it feels like trying to resurrect those feelings…and nothing comes up.

    There is no sorrow today of his passing.

    It was indicated to me, that I would now find joy with his passing…but I have had joy for many many years. I did not need him to die to find joy.  I did not need him to die to find peace.  I have had both for again, many many years.

    His impact upon my life ended a long time ago.

    His life and how he lived it, and if he lived, bore no reflection upon my life.  He and I were detached, estranged, separated…our lives have not been joined together in years.

    What is awkward is how people respond to me.  They are unsure of how to address the daughter whose relationship ended years ago.  "I am sorry…" doesn't fit.  I get it. It is an expression that would have fit more appropriately back then in the throes of me becoming estranged and filled with grief….now what words work?

    I do appreciate folks who can recognize my position of having a father die 8 years after the relationship died…for typically, the death of the body and the relationship happen at the same time…what happens when the body out lives the relationship?

    It does feel strange to not have grief upon his death…to not have acute feelings of any kind…neither high or low.  But a sorta normal day…just wondering how it will all be for others who had relationships with him or for those who had broken relationships, as well as those who had been abused by him feel.  

    I don't know how the family is presenting this….if there will be a funeral or how they will walk this out.  I was notified by my daughter.  I have heard 'his wishes' are to be cremated and he would like his ashes spread in the woods of our area.  

    Perhaps there is a finality, a completion now that the body is no longer breathing…that his life is now complete.  His legacy is all that remains…and for each of us, it looks different.

    Mine…what I got from him and from my mother is something I have been working for many years to re-pattern.  To live differently, to make different choices etc.  So for me his legacy has even died…I am striving to change the legacy within my own limb of the family tree.

    I never spoke to him after finding out he was a pedophile. Some feel I should have spoken my piece…to give him a piece of my mind.  My piece, my side would not have changed a thing…

    I am, and have been, completely at peace about the death of our relationship for many many years.  I have no regrets.  No words I wished I uttered.  

    The oddest part of being abused by your father, is that many feel that the relationship should be upheld, "NO MATTER WHAT".

    No matter what, the blood and family ties are forever.  Nothing should sever the tie.

    That to me is the mindset that keeps abuse flourishing…for no matter what he is your dad…is the belief that keeps a child tied to her/his abuser.

    Really?

    Really…..I have no choice but to ride along due to this iron clad belief.  "That no matter what, Family is Family."

    I dissolved this iron clad rule of "NO MATTER WHAT" and put in place a thing called "freedom of choice".

    It does matter what you do and It doesn't matter if your family or not.  I am allowed to choose my response to your actions.  

    I broke "No Matter What"…and was set free.  My peace, my joy and my love all were tied up in the "no matter what".  I was chained to the ill behavior of many due to this rule of 'family'.

    My struggles, grief and pain all was due to me wrestling my life away from the "No Matter What" rule.

    Now, that I am free…I am misread, for I don't abide by NO Matter What.

    Of course actions of "No Matter What"….and "It does Matter"….will not match.

    In my father's death some will hold this rule high and close to their hearts, for no matter what he did, he is and will always be, their dad.









  • We don’t come with Maps.

    "We come with all these parts and no instructions how they go together. It is so tempting to want the answers before we begin the journey. We like to know our way. We like to have maps. We like to have guides. But we are more like a breathing puzzle, a living bag of pieces, and each day shows us what a piece or two is for, where it might go, how it might fit. Over time, a picture starts to emerge by which we begin to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, we waste a lot of time seeking someone to tell us what life will be like once we live it. We drain ourselves of vital inner fortitude by asking others to map our way. At the end of all this stalling, though, we each have to venture out and simply see what happens." Mark Nepo, Book of Awakening

    What I love about this reading is how we truly would love a map.  But, just think about IF you did know the total road of where you were going?  Would you want to know the bad parts?  Would you want to know the places where you heart would break?  

    Mostly, I believe we want to know we will be okay. And, we can do this by knowing ourselves.  The more you understand how strong you are, how resilient and how each huge bump brings more wisdom and knowing of your self…the better able you are to head straight into the rough times.

    I am in the process of selling my jeep. The buyer is still making sure it is what he wants….and in the meanwhile, I have found a perfect replacement jeep. Or so, I believe.  

    The prices on these jeeps are extremely flexible, they will swing wildly in either direction…so it is hard to know if you are getting a good deal…for the good deal mark continues to move.

    Being that they are limited in quantity, it makes the curve on purchasing snugger, there isn't alot of wiggle room or 'another deal' around the corner. So, I believe, you have to make choices quicker than in a typical buying market.

    The one I found is higher in price and lower in miles, yet affordable.  My husband who loves to seek out the best deal, feels that perhaps we are moving too quickly. The comfort he feels on the buying curve is being pushed.  I am okay.  I feel that it is a great vehicle, and that after a few years of running mail, it will still hold its value.

    Time will tell.  My jeep, if sold to this particular party, will be retired from the mail and off on new adventures.  I will share where it is going and how its looks will change, if the sale goes through.

    I am however okay either way….in my old jeep or in a jeep that isn't on the map yet, or this one I found.

    Life is a mystery….and we don't come with maps!


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    This picture was taken last evening…I Love my Jeep, but will be happy for it to move on to a new adventure!

  • Art

    I unplugged from my life and my husband and I took a long weekend to Door County. The weather was Fall…temps near 40 and climbing up to 50…with strong winds off of Lake Michigan.  

    Our first day we sat and listened to a local band entertain us…on a bale of hay.  As you can see we were up on a hill overlooking a Marina…the band was in the white tent…It was Pumpkin Fest in Egg Harbor.


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    We sat an listened for near an hour…they played country music.  


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    You can tell by the winter clothing it was very chilly sitting with the breeze of Lake Michigan!

    We drove by an Art Fair, and the next day we were one of the first to enter.  I loved lots of what I saw.  There was one tent of Art Quilts, but she had a sign "No photography…"  I was turned off by this. It just seemed to be too controlling.  Her work, was not at all like mine, hers more scrapes of fabric making a design…graffiti perhaps best describes it.

    But, here are some way awesome Iron Works of Art. This girl was outside in the garden of the Art Gallery.  It was the host to the Art Fair.


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    And a Butterfly….by one of the Vendors.  Love what they can do with 'scrap' metal.


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    And a Humming Bird…


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    You can see a spider crawling on the fence on the left.

    And I think this bug is a snail….either way he is cute.  At first Paul thought it was a waste of some good Iron, Until he saw the prices….than he felt this man was getting much better prices than the local scrap yards.


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    And some more Artwork in the Garden of the Gallery. 


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    Don't you just love Nature's colorful backdrop…

    The scenary was great, whether it was at the Art Fair or driving along the Lake.


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    Unplugging and drinking up music, art and nature…with my husband was just what I needed.  

    I have one more day off….I will be home alone with fabric and newly refueled.  I am looking forward to creating my own Art.


  • On the First Date.

    Thirty years ago I went on a date with a man I had been talking to on the phone for about 6 months.  We came from two different lives and I was unsure yet very attracted.  It was going against all I believed towards all that was unknown.

    He and I both knew we were an unlikely match.  My strict religion and very conforming lifestyle…didn't allow for most of the things he enjoyed.   

    Early on, we both put aside our differences and found what connected us was our differences…The differences made us look deeply at who we were and why.

    I was on the extreme end of the cult religion and he on the wild free side of being his own man; no keeper stood between him and life.

    He was and is, extremely allowing of others to be themselves.  He has never tried to make me do anything I didn't feel comfortable with and oftentimes, I had to dig deep to find a personal belief beneath the teachings of the church and it was there I was able to meet him.

    In the past 7 years our relationship withstood a life change within me and it was his example that led me forward.  When my cult and family lay in ruins, I was then asked to define a self free of them…and I did.  He allowed these changes to happen even while afraid for what it would eventually mean for our relationship.

    What I believe made all the difference in the world, is that we have been and are still today, two separate individuals…who stand alone. Even when I stood alone as part of a cult, he honored what I honored.  And I never, not once, tried to convince him to come my way…to believe like me.

    This freedom and unbound space we relate in is the free space called love.

    We didn't know if my life changes would completely wreck our relationship and we were both willing to see how it would end. We both had to be willing to let our relationship die, in order for it to live.

    My life changes took me out of my religion, out of most of my relationships with family…as I changed the pattern I was raised in.  I had a wide berth of freedom to transform.  Neither of us knew the outcome, but we both put my wellness above the relationship.

    My total life went under a complete make over and in the end, our relationship is still standing strong.  It is different.  I am different.  We are both still two individuals doing what we love and where our passion lies. Neither of us are interested in changing the other.

    But, to be honest, a time or two I believed he would have to change OR we would have to get a divorce. Only to find out, it was my mind, my list of things he needed to do for my peace.  Once I understood that my peace and my joy and my love was my business, not his.  I was able to become a whole being on my own.

    The greatest gift our relationship has given me is the freedom to be me.

    I love my husband more today, than I did 30 years ago…on the first date!

  • Change is Beautiful!

    Sunday was a beautiful day and I did get out to enjoy the Fall Colors….

    Nature has a way of restoring my balance, settling my soul, and brings life into focus.  Reminding me that the Universe has things all under control…even if at times, parts seem to be way out of control. There is a reason for the upheaval, a test is going on, a lesson is being delivered…something that is not in balance is trying to balance itself out.  

    When things are at their most turbulant, a huge exam is going on…an examination of you…of your life, your choices, your beliefs, your thoughts and inner feelings, something is off that is now seeking balance.  Our test is to find what is out of alignment with natural self.  To even find a natural self…a self that is wholly you.  To separate yourself from others, to find a container called you. What do you feel, what do you know, who are you?  

    Not only who are you when you are with others, but who are you as you.  Just standing alone what are you made of?  

    I know, that typically, when things are out of control in my life, I look first to blame the other person.  But, what I have found time and time again, when I put the power and control in other, I am then the victim of their actions.  If, I need them to act a certain way for my happiness, then I have given them my happy button for them to control.

    Learning how to extricate myself from others was a lesson that was repeated over and over, and it pulled my power back from multitude of lives. 

    It is my greatest desire to restore inner power, not only to me, but to all I have relationships with.  I want each of us to be separate powerful individuals.  The strongest relationships are the ones with two strong individuals…whose individual power is in complete balance.  Where you are not leaning upon each other for your full strength.  

    Most of my life's lessons were undoing co-dependency…and learning to stand and walk alone.  

    This solitary walk can seem scary and wrong even for those whose lives have always been secure in the comfort of another.  

    Coming from not only a cult like religion and abuse, but also co-dependency, it has been my greatest achievement to separate and be my self. One that took extreme amounts of effort and pain to detach myself….but one that has given me complete freedom to be me.  

    To live my life from the inside out…to be my natural self.


    The Bridge and Portage Lake on a calm Fall Sunday Morning. 

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    In the afternoon, my husband and I took a ride to Mt. Arvon, the highest point in Michigan.  Here is the view from the top!  It is looking over Huron Bay, Keweenaw Bay and into Lake Superior. The colors were peak!  Hard to capture in a picture what the naked eyes sees.


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    And coming down, we spotted this little pond, with wonderful reflection!


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    Peaceful nature…just being itself.  Raw Beauty.


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    And, I Love my jeep. (didn't sell, so it is mine again!) I am so excited to be back driving this.  It will make my job so much easier to be back driving on the right. And, it is a great little date vehicle…

    The woods are so beautiful it takes your breath away.


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    Fall is nature's way of showing us how change is beautiful!

  • Breaking the Silence of Abuse.

    My quilts arrive at Fisher Hall, 135.  The venue wasn't quite prepared for them, but we managed to get them on display. They held their own, caught a few eyes…Even if the students didn't attend the RAINN movie and discussion, the quilts will be a memory…A Lady, her quilts and their story.


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    A young man stopped by, and spoke to me about how his mom quilted.  I believe, if we didn't put the quilts with a designated event topic that most steer clear of, but rather just display them….and let them draw folks in…they will give awareness to the affects of abuse and the wonder and power of facing your truth.


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    Two of my daughters came…Grace and beauty as they move around and helped with the quilts.   I do appreciate their willingness to attend.


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    And the Dial Help women….tirelessly offering their help with victims.  Trying to gain a visible stand in our community.  It isn't that their message or efforts are not what victims need….it is that victims are not made aware.  

    I find it a very complex and perplexing image….Victims in need, but not being led to those who have alot to offer….And those with alot to offer….wanting to catch the ears of victims. What seems to be a no-brainer, ends up leaving both sides wanting.


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    It is my humble opinion, that there are changes in the WIND, that we can create and shorten the span between the two sides. That we will no longer need events that 'educate', but rather we will host events that show the progress, the success and the creative power of breaking the silence of abuse.

    Thanks everyone who participated….

  • Breaking into your life!

    My Lady Quilts are leaving the basement again, they have another appearance scheduled.  RAINN (Rape, Assault, Incest, National Network) will be held at Michigan Tech's Fisher Hall at 7:30 on September 27….tomorrow evening.  I will be on the panel, there will a film shown and I will do a brief talk.  The quilts will be on display…

    They want me to talk about support and what is helpful….and I have thought about this from many angles and I believe ANY action towards speaking out is a move in the right direction.  

    I believe that most people think, "speaking out" is to go public with your very private information.  When in fact, it is to speak about it to someone who you feel will listen and be a compassionate listener.  

    What I know of Tom Rosemurgy, is that he will not expect you to go public, to take this person to court, but rather to just put your voice to what happened.

    While I know many believe, that if you know it, it is enough. But, keeping it in and not sharing it, makes it a secret.  

    Listening to Iyanla talk about family secrets and how it is there to protect someone…in the case of physical and sexual abuse within a family…the child/adult child is protecting the abusive parent.

    You are as sick as your secret was another line in the discussion. How keeping quiet and not airing your family's secret comes with a physical, emotional cost to you.

    Dial Help and Tom Rosemurgy are not expecting you to go down a certain path, but they want to help you let down the weight of the untold story of your life.

    Holding silence and carrying a lie breeds its own energy field of fear, shame and guilt.

    It isn't so much about the actual act, but rather the consequences of living a life that isn't true.

    If you are not able to tell a family member a trusted friend….etc…I would highly suggest reaching out towards Dial Help and/or Tom Rosemurgy.  Both are very victim oriented.  

    Tomorrow night's RAINN event is to bring awareness, to help support and offer ways in which to regain your world after abuse.  The affects of living life against the truth of what you know….is the hardest part.

    Most often it is someone you knew and trusted….and now you are left with a new knowing, but yet are not allowed to act like you have seen a different side.

    It leaves you pretending or lying. Silence about the change will wear on you over time…draining your power, your confidence etc.  The silence and lie may protect the one you loved and trusted, but at the cost of your own sense of self and self worth.

    Breaking the silence is to break back into your power.  Breaking into your life.


  • No longer fighting reality.

    For the past 7 and a half years, I have been working on my inner landscape, trying to sort through files and beliefs that were built to protect and hide the darkness of abuse within the Huhta family.  

    I have been doing deep excavating and learning about the unspeakable or perhaps the sins that were blessed an erased away.  Going back into my life into places of discomfort, unease, pain, betrayal, abuse…sorting through piles of ideas that were the brain children of my mother…and not of reality.

    Her brain and mine had many of the same patterns…I had to learn how I learned. I had to see why I thought the way I thought.  

    My focus has been on exploring abuse and its affects….from a distance and then while being the experiment itself.  

    To see affect of abuse first hand as I am in the throes of it…learning while being the subject and the object.

    There are parts of me that will remain affected, that no matter how I try, the abuse has claimed certain pieces.  I will become 'unglued' when reality is overlooked or when I am made responsible for something that I am not in control of….each will send me flying back to reacting in a traumatic way.  Post traumatic stress.  

    I am getting better at staying in the stress for shorter periods. To find out where I am responsible and then giving back responsibilities that are not mine to carry.  I am learning to manage my post traumatic stress moments…better.

    I also felt down deep in my cells I am at peace.  I am free of abuse.  I am in a home that breathes peace. There are no abusive energies that haunt me here.  I am completely at rest in my home and in my relationships. And, My abused mind no longer is misconstruing good and evil.  

    With a mind that cannot see clearly, I wasn't able to see clearly…to be with what is.

    I was always seeing the opposite…in my mind.

    Cultivating peace inside of me and daring to see reality naked, is the key to being at peace now.

    Peace to me, is when your mind and reality agree.

    I am so grateful to be in a loving peaceful home.  I feel peace…it surrounds me.  My body, mind and soul are at peace.  Peace is no longer fighting reality.


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