I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • Believer of Reality.

    In the past few days, I have been wondering about the way people do not see other people, perhaps they hear their words, but totally let words eclipse an action…or let a label cover up all awkward and often hurtful actions.  How our minds love to create a different image than what is before us.

    Dr. Maya Angelou said, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

    The first time someone does something that is off key or not right, or goes against who you thought they were, BELIEVE the action…And change the words about them.

    When you don't believe it and go back to your original thoughts about who they are, you are willingly allowing them to hurt you.

    Yet, here is another huge pothole.  We have been taught as little children "If you dont' have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all.  We are not taught to see reality, we are taught to overlook the bad stuff.  It is seen as not nice to notice someone behaving badly.

    And then the good ole church, erasing all the negative behaviors by the WORDS spoken.  Leading us to believe that the words are more powerful than any action.

    Within the pews of the FALC, are abusers sitting in the lap of never being held accountable, for they are relying upon the good 'graces' of the abused.  "Bless me" will return the monster back into a husband, father, brother etc.

    However, sitting next to them in the pews are very damaged abused folks.

    The blessing does nothing to erase the trauma suffered by the 'sin' of the abuser.

    "When People show you who they are BELIEVE them.  Blessing away, trying to erase the action in your mind.  Trying to 'forgive and forget' will not ease the trauma suffered, OR stop the abuser.  

    Changing our minds about an action seems like first grade…but it is much harder when in our lives, we have lived by the premise that the mind can make corrections in reality….when in fact REALITY cannot be change.

    Which is why I so love the definition of forgiveness that I learned from Martha Beck. "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for the past to have been any different."

    It is about getting your mind to give up hope for a different outcome.

    I had to give up all hope of my father being a loving kind man.  He is evil.

    He hurts little girls.  I have forgiven him, by not expecting him to be any different than he is….My mind is at one with reality.

    "When people show you who they are, Believe Them.  Don't rush to your mind for a kinder definition.  Don't try and make them into something that they can't be. Don't try and fit an evil man into a kind label of father, let the actions rule.

    Most people will show you who they are, in time.  You have to always be willing to change your mind, when people change their actions.

    Holding out hope, and clinging to the image in your mind, is hopeless.  

    I have lived in insanity where I wasn't at all with the actions of reality and I have lived directed by actions only…the words became faint and meaningless.  Of the two ways, reality is much easier to navigate.  And, it leaves each to their own lives and responsible for their own actions.

    In a dysfunctional home, it seems most of our lives are made to cover up the evil that lives there. It is a mortal sin to expose the evil.  What holds most dysfunctional families together is the cover up…yet the whole while they are working to make the top look good, the evil is flowing into the next generation.

    In all abusive situations, the family is the biggest contributor to evil not being seen, heard or addressed.  Evil wears the label dad. Evil is to be blessed.  Evil is not spoken about.  Evil is not allowed to be in your mind. You are not allowed to change the file father and put in monster.

    It is incredible, the amount of so called intelligent people who will not stand in reality and call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Vanzant says.  

    Call a thing a thing.

    Don't call a pedophile a dad.

    The thing that screws with the psyche is this inability to see reality and to change your mind.  The mind refuses to change.

    Or, you refuse to change your mind.  For if you change your mind, you will have to change your life.  

    When you call a thing a thing, you will then be headed down a new road.

    One, where many may not follow.  

    For when you discover the Mental Mind that hasn't been calling a thing a thing, you will discover plenty of insane beliefs. Beliefs that you built a whole world around.

    Once you see the insane mind looking like a fool against reality, you have woken up.

    "When People Show you Who they ARE, believe them the first time!"

    I am a believer of reality.



  • A Sunday Full of Feelings!

    I have a blood clot in my varicose vein. On Tuesday, they gave me an antibiotic, due to the redness around it.  I proceeded to get very sick…a negative reaction to it.

    So, I did the other two things the Doctor wanted me to do, wear the tight stocking, and take an asprin a day.  He wasn't too concerned about it moving, since a typical clot in a varicose vein doesn't move, but over time goes away.  

    After the bad reaction, I didn't notice my leg, my belly was much more my concern. I was off of work, Wednesday and Thursday….went back for Friday and Saturday, for the doctor also said moving around was good for it.

    Then last night, the pain seemed worse and swelling came in. 

    So, this morning I called the ER, said to order up the Antibiotic, I was going to try it again.  I didn't want to Waste my one day off.  Well, about an hour a half later, I was back sick…and emptied myself out and shivered and knew this pill didn't agree with me. 

    When my body paused, I called the ER again, and had them order up a new pill….and headed back into town.   

    One thing I had planned on doing was have a family picnic up the bush, where Paul and Eli were making our winter wood. We have a pond in the back woods, a perfect location. 

    The picnic basket left here about two hours before I did.

    I drove into the clearing 


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    No wood makers…

    An empty tractor, silence…peace.


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    And then down the road towards the Pond… 


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    I heard music and laughter…the picnic was still going on…and found the wood makers in the middle of a Monopoly Game.  


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    I stayed awhile…enjoying the sound of family on a sunny afternoon.  Then, I had to head into town, my second trip, for another antibiotic.

    When I came home….Thinking the monopoly players would be working, and I was feeling somewhat better, I decided to grab some time to quilt.  

    I had left this lady on the ironing board last week, in a pile.  My leg disappeared as I began to quilt her down, infection gone!


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    Well perhaps not gone, but my attentions was elsewhere.

    I wonder if she will be holding something above her head…there is quite a bit of room there.  Oh well.  Her outfit went together so quickly…and I got the same excitement this week working on her as I did last week.


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    Here is a close up of her leggings!  Zebra prints, with actual zebras on them!


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    Incredible!  

    A Sunday full of feelings!

  • Living Things.

    In Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul – The journey beyond yourself" he writes about death in a way that I have never heard before.

    "Let’s say you’re living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, “Come, it’s time to go.” You say, “But no. You’re supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I’m supposed to get one more week.” Do you know what Death will say to you? He’ll say, “My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I’ve given you. Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?” If asked that, what are you going to say? "

    "How will you answer? “I wasn’t paying attention… I didn’t think it mattered.” That’s a pretty amazing thing to say about your life."  Michael Singer

    Isn't it incredible when you see it this way?  

    It is amazing when you think of all the weeks and days we have had to live.  To do with this one life as we please.  

    Or have you not been free to live as you would like to live?  

    What is more scary to be in a life you don't believe in or to walk out of that life into the unknown?

    What would a life review look like if you had to take one today?  Would you stand by your life with full confidence you gave it your all, would you consider your life one that had great moments punctuated by peaceful enjoyment, offset by small journeys of hardship, back into new adventures; a growing work of art?  

    Would you see the growing sections and the places where you skipped a lesson and then had to do an even harder test?  Or would you see how fear stopped you from learning about life, expressing your feelings, spilling forth emotions messily, to maintain the facade of a 'regular' life?

    Are you passing the lessons or living a life of quiet desperation hoping for things to change, but NOT you.

    Today, as I sit here…I feel that I have lived two lives. One in compliance and one unruly.  

    I am in my unruly life.

    I love my unruly life.  

    My life of compliance was lived due to fear of not being accepted, loved or approved of.

    My life of being unruly means, I didn't care how my life felt to you…It only mattered how my life felt to me.

    Unruly on the outside means living a peaceful inside.


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    I had read somewhere long ago, that our insides should be calm like a mill pond. Mine are.  

    I am at peace with who I am…and how I lived. I did the best within each level of awareness I had.  And, when I knew better, I did better, as Dr. May Angelou says. 

    I am not done growing, the Death Angel has not arrived to give me my last week of life, so until then, I will live so as to not waste a moment.  I will strive to see as much as I can see…and do my life's passions…what makes my spirit come alive…filling my days full of artful things, natures things, family things, loving things, learning things, LIVING things!




  • The Pathology that Ends Abuse.

    What is the pathology of family and how is this passed on to each generation?

    I looked up the word, "Pathology".

    "The science of the causes and effects of diseases and Pathological features considered collectively; the typical behavior of a disease."

    "The process of defining a condition or behavior."  and "The study of the essential nature of diseases and especially of the structural and functional changes produced by them. 2. : something abnormal:

    The pathology of the family is the science of how it was created and how it functions.  The structure. The typical behavior.  And when abuse is handed down, how the abnormality was formed.

    Most define an abusive family and point at one character; a single person who is acting out evil thoughts.  What many fail to consider is that the abusers are typically in an environment that allows it.  There are many who support their evil actions.  The abusers are living in an evil friendly environment, otherwise, they would be asked to leave.

    The conditions and behaviors within a family are condusive to embracing evil…by the typical behavior or response to negative actions.

    The pathology of abuse is not confined to the perpetrator…but to the surrounding landscape of his or her relationships that allow this behavior to continue.  

    No boundaries to ward of evil behaviors.

    I have been extremely curious as to the character flaws of the many who knew and did nothing upon hearing that my father abused girls.  Its pathology is more confusing than that of my father.  

    My father is one of the low percentages of people who abuse as a result of being abused.  The rest of the folks don't abuse, but they don't see abuse.

    Say the percentages of folks who were abused in childhood are 10% will abuse, that leaves 90 % who will not perform evil acts, but they will not be able to ward them off.

    What I have experienced is this apathy…this frozen immovable nature of doing nothing when abuse enters a room, enters a relationship, becomes known.  Nothing. The reason abuse continues is not that the abusers are abusing, BUT that the rest are doing nothing.

    Nothing against abuse… but work to make a family a family by not looking at abuse.

    I am not sure I can articulate the insanity of the pathology of what keeps a family tree infected. It isn't that there is an abusive person sitting on the limb, but rather the rest are pretending it doesn't exist.

    And pretending is not even true. For they know it is there, but they will not respond to it.  And if they only quickly glance, they feel that they don't have to change one single thing in their lives.  As a brother-in-law said when he heard about my father…"He will not have the satisfaction of ruining my life."

    Is it really more powerful to not change when you discover abuse lives in your family?  This is what abusers pray for…for nothing to change!

    The greatest gift we can give all abusers is to do nothing.  To NOT allow them to ruin our lives, BUT instead go on and live AS IF NOTHING happened.

    I see this do nothing pathology as the strongest link in abuse being able to flourish, for there are no boundaries in its way.

    The pathology of my childhood was blindness where evil was concerned.  And blindness and deafness towards any mention of the unmentionable….abuse.

    Instead they speak louder of the family unit.  Sisters loving sisters….their reunions remind me of my mother's. Where two sisters never came. It didn't stop the reunions from happening, NOR did it stop the abuse.  By God, we have a loving family….look at the reunions, not who stayed away!

    Ironically or not, I have had two dreams of me, my mother, and a few sisters.  In the first one, I was trying to speak and warn them, to say what I know, and the words would not come out….but a whisper.  I was trying to speak, but couldn't catch my breath.  The second dream, I was clear and articulate and they would not hear me…they kept talking about things that I was not talking about.  I am telling them of children in danger and one sister wanted me to see her husband's truck.

    These two dream sequences artfully display my road. It takes great effort to talk against the majority, and, when I do, no one will listen, but instead try to divert my attention.

    Our pathology of abuse within the Huhta family continues…reunions of laughter, while abuse is allowed to run free. 

    My sisters tightening the bound between them…keeping family unchanged…being more powerful than the abuse that lingers is the pathology that is the perfect environment for abuse.

    I see them marching on as Doris did.  Bold, strong, determined to keep her family together, her brothers and her husband.  Knowing as I do, that her family had a pedophile or two in the mix….and, we know her husband.  She wasn't going to let their actions ruin her family.

    Her blindness was her strength…is what I had said about her.  This pathology is what she gave to my sisters.  

    They will argue and say I am being a spoil sport. They will defend the sisters, the family unit and in doing so pass on the pathology.  No abuser, or one speaking of abuse, will ruin their reunion!  No one can talk louder than their laughter.  

    I would have loved to talk to the Aunts who stayed away from my mother's reunions. I would have loved to know why?

    What I believe is that by dealing with the abuse, I will save my family.  Perhaps not my brothers/sisters and their children, but my own.  I will introduce them to the abuse that flows in our pathology. I will let them know when their actions mimic its insidious nature.  I will stand bold, powerful and strong as they work to eradicate its tendrils in their lives.  I am okay being on the outside of this pathology of doing nothing.  

    The pathology I want to leave my son and daughters is the pathology that ends abuse.





  • Avoid the Pain.

    In the "Untethered Soul – The Journey beyond Your Self" By Michael Singer…he writes about how our inside fears determine our life.

    "People end up using their relationships to hide their thorns. If you care for each other, you are expected to adjust your behavior to avoid bumping into each other’s soft spots. This is what people do. They let the fear of their inner thorns affect their behavior. They end up limiting their lives just like someone living with an external thorn. Ultimately, if there is something disturbing inside of you, you have to make a choice. You can compensate for the disturbance by going outside in an attempt to avoid feeling it, or you can simply remove the thorn and not focus your life around it. Do not doubt your ability to remove the root cause of the disturbance inside of you. It really can go away. You can look deep within yourself, to the core of your being, and decide that you don’t want the weakest part of you running your life. You want to be free of this. You want to talk to people because you find them interesting, not because you’re lonely. You want to have relationships with people because you genuinely like them, not because you need for them to like you. You want to love because you truly love, not because you need to avoid your inner problems."  Michael Singer

    If you really understand this, you will totally get why you are drawn to different folks, why you make the choices you make, depending upon the thorn you are trying to hide…and IF you have worked the thorn out, you truly can move around the planet without worrying about being hurt.

    We all know each others hot buttons, what we really are talking about is the inner thorn, the weakest part of the person, that they are protecting. Which then makes us only as strong as our weakest spot.

    It is amazing how we literally configure our life so as not to feel this inner pain…so the inner pain ends up leading our life, not us.

    I built a whole life upon keeping me away from my abuse.  Nothing was in place for me, the spirit of me, but all was in place to keep the thorn from being felt and known.

    My life reflected the very thorn I was trying to hide.

    It was beautifully displayed in its horrific darkness…from the family who didn't discuss deeply, to the church who forbid questions, etc. My very small narrow life was lived so the world didn't disturb the thorn.

    Hard to explain in a short blog post, but just know, that any free will or open mind or new way, freaked out the protector of the thorn.  I needed to be around other thorn protecting folks.  Folks who too, didn't want to dig deeper than the surface scratch, who cultivated friendships and relationships that would keep the thorn nestled in quietly.

    I couldn't be around folks who asked too many questions about my narrow ways, for even I didn't know why why why I had to be this way.  How it was imperative that I didn't stray off the narrow road of control.  

    Who knew that my thorn was the legacy of abuse, and the behaviors I lived by was hammered into me, to keep the thorn hidden and not poking out.

    Once, I have sat eye to eye, heart to heart, and felt to the depth of my soul, the pain of the thorn's content…I can now live my life free.

    There are no weak spots slurping up my life's choices.

    I am free to live life, not to live a life protecting the unfelt thorn.


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    Moving my life by the music of my soul…dancing in love, peace and joy and not side stepping to avoid the pain.

  • Side of the Parent.

    I listened to Andrew Vachss and Oprah sharing each others thoughts about children who have been abused and what is helpful or not helpful to the child…as well as the abusers.  He is a lawyer who defends children for free. He funds this by writing novels.  I ordered his book, "Another Chance to get it Right."

    Today what I learned was that children will turn one of three ways after abuse; Inward against themselves…outward against society…or turn insane.  None of the three is a path of pure potential.  What our challenge then is is to turn back to being empowered with self pride and self worth. Instead of beating ourselves or others or just going out of our minds.

    He also stated that there are sick people who have thoughts about abusing children and then there are evil people who not only have thoughts about hurting children, but actually act upon it.  That part of the sexual gratification is to hurt someone.  It isn't a by product, but part of the main act.  It is required to have someone in fear and pain.

    He and I agree on the way most handle forgiveness of these evil folks…is when you forgive them, you are releasing them to hurt again.  This is not helpful.  It is not caring if they hurt another, just that you are safe.

    Evil folks know what they are doing.  If they say they are not aware, it is an outright lie.  The trade secrets of a abusers is to ask for US to forgive them…while they promise nothing.  No sorry, no "I will change and seek treatment" but rather they make us to do the work to restore their reputations….and we do.  

    He showed Oprah how she was part of the camouflage that protected her uncle, by not wanting to disrupt the family, and instead act normal. This is the exact behavior they depend upon to hide behind. You need to act normal so they can continue to prey upon the children. 

    What I have told so many members of the FALC, that while you look upon these pedophiles as normal, you are sending messages to the kids, that 'there is nothing wrong' with that man.  You are the camouflage he hides behind. You are shielding him!

    Andrew spoke of breaking the cycle of abuse by breaking apart the family. I agree.

    What he also brought to my attention is that people who have been abused will show outrage when hearing about another incident, but rarely show rage towards their own abusers.  He says, that until you are enraged at your abuser, you can't move on.

    You carry the weight of the rage within you.  I agree.

    I look forward to reading his book….

    He speaks from the viewpoint of the child.  Which I believe is the only way we will change the cycle of abuse.  No longer will it be politically correct to take the side of the parent!

  • Love has no Fear

    My journey of self exploration and discovery has unearthed a multiple of crossed wires and messy connections.  It appears that I was wired all wrong due to both the cult like religion as well as abuse…leaving my perception of the world askew. Being a mother, my gravest concern was in how much of my programming was ingested by my daughters.

    It isn't the physical act of abuse, but the screwy wiring that does the most damage.

    How will untangling my wires straighten out my daughters?  And will they each have to witness in their own lives the tangled mess of labeling what is good… bad and bad into good?  Will each of them have to stand head to head with reality and have to work their minds to see the truth?  Flipping it around and around like a rubic's cube.

    I am struck how incredibly hard it is to be the first to see the family perceptions are worn backwards.  How it is to be the first to awaken and look around….for others are seeing the world with backwards glasses and are not only content, but living in the lap of 'normal'… and safety.

    I believe that the legacy of abuse isn't just passing on egregious acts of abuse, but also passing on twisted perceptions to our children.

    Unless and until you have witnessed the contents of your mind being a complete representation of reality, you will not get this.

    My biggest failure as a mother, was handing down wrong perceptions of reality.

    Children come in with clear eyes and we cloud them over with a film of illusion…by coaching them to see the world through our eyes.

    My children were raised to see one way…and now I have changed the way I see things.  They now have a choice.  

    And, they will not know there is a choice, until they witness within themselves the horror of believing something to be good…only to find the shocking truth of what is really going on.

    I do find comfort in a few things. One that I can see clearly…if not right away, I can usually find my way clear after looking upon a situation from many points of Light.  

    And the biggest thing is that I realize the condition of my children's minds and how they got that way.  I understand them, because I understand me.

    I will not blame them on their poor choice.  I will see them making a choice based upon the wrong perceptions they were taught. 

    All I can do as a mom, is to point out the differences in reality. And leave the choice making up to them…and the consequences.

    For what is even worse than the mixed up wiring in your mind, is living with the consequences of those backwards choices.

    My mixed up mind made it okay to go to my father's home with my girls.  A home of a pedophile…was Grandpa's house.

    My mixed up mind felt at home in a cult.

    My mixed up mind could not see itself clear of the mess…for the mess itself presented the hugest obstacle.

    At times I feel the weight of all I taught so wrong…and at others feel great gulps of relief, knowing I am now able to help my children see…if and when they find themselves lost in-between reality and my old mind.

    The old saying "When the bird and the book disagree….believe the bird."  

    When reality and your mind disagree…believe that which you can touch and feel…and see without effort, without struggle.

    Reality in the raw doesn't need a belief or a thought to keep it standing up.  It stands on its own unaided…without words.

    Truth is hard to see when your mind has had you convinced it is good.  It will change to bad.

    My father's behaviors, his life, his history was completely eclipsed or overturned to be something the polar opposite…as did my mother's.

    Reality has stood the test of time.  It continues to reflect itself in the lives of my father's children and their children. 

    The legacy of not seeing clearly is how abuse slips undetected or is called Love and family.

    Missing reality, missing the mark,is the path that leads you away from your self and into a land of make believe.

    In reading Michael Singer's book, "The Untethered Soul"….it is mostly about being tethered to a mind that isn't with reality.  

    Abuse tethers the mind so you are held against your free will…to see that which isn't there to see.

    The abuser has convinced you that it is something that it isn't.

    It is a secret.  A private special interaction.  To be kept in the dark…away from family. It is something only you two have…excluding all others. You are tethered to the dark or you will lose their 'love'.

    Not unlike the FALC church. The only one going to Heaven…we are special, excluding all others.  The similarities of cult and abuse are remarkable…where fear and love go hand and hand.

    Love that isn't allowed into the light of day is not love it is abuse.  My mind is now clear on this.

    Love has no fear.




  • Spirit of Kindergarden!

    Tonight is the second evening of WIND; Women in New Directions.  A comment was made, "It is like Kindergarden…" and I agree.  Or, the fun classes in College, where you get to play.  

    It has the potential for great connections not only with women, but with your self and your passion. Your self and art. Your self and activities.  A place where you can make a deeper connection with your self.  Again, a play date for women.

    My husband and I went to see "Hope Springs" and a line in the movie was about in each stage in life, there is a stage ahead of us to look forward to.  Such as, "When the kids are all gone"….Or when I retire….When I get married etc…or when I get divorced."

    We are always heading in a new direction.  And it can feel either you have no control or you are in control waiting to hop on the next stage.

    I hope that each women who attends will start feeling the stirring inside of them that is called Self.  That they will learn to dance with themselves in a way that brings them joy and enthusiasm for being alive.

    What I believe is the greatest tragedy of many women of abuse, is that they make choices that are not based upon the Self inside of them.  In fact many are not used to living life from the Self, but rather from the outside.

    I want WIND to be about the Self inside.  Learning how to direct your self in this play called life.

    Learning how to feel and express that.

    Learning how to play and let go.

    Learning how to return to the free spirit of Kindergarden!


  • Talking Loudly about my Abuse.

    The book, "The Untethered Soul- The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael Singer is filled with insights about how we navigate this world and how our perceptions are crucial in how we live our lives….as well as how we use energy.  

     I found these paragraphs described the changes in my life.  How I used to live in fear and now I live open to what is…as life presents itself.

     "Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow. All your habits and idiosyncrasies will stay the same. Life becomes stagnant when people protect their stored issues. People say things like, “You know we don’t talk about that subject around your father.” There are all these rules about things that are not supposed to happen outside because they could cause disturbance inside. Living like this allows for very little spontaneous joy, enthusiasm, and excitement for life. Most people just go from day to day protecting themselves and making sure nothing goes too wrong. At the end of the day, when someone asks, “How was your day?” a normal response is, “Not too bad,” or “I’ll survive.” What is that telling you about their view of life? They see life as a threat.  A good day means you made it through without getting hurt.  The longer you live like this, the more closed you become."

    "If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified. Because there is no part of you that you’re not willing to see, the mind is no longer divided into the conscious and subconscious. Everything you see inside is just something you see inside. It’s not you; it’s what you see. There is simply the pure energy pouring inside of you that creates the ripples of thoughts and emotions, and there is the consciousness that’s aware of it. There is simply you watching the dance of the psyche." 

    "Begin by seeing the tendency to protect and defend yourself. There is a very deep, innate tendency to close, especially around your soft spots. But eventually you will notice that closing creates tremendous work. Once you close, you have to make sure that what you protected doesn’t get disturbed. You then carry this task for the rest of your life. The alternative is to become conscious enough to simply watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. You can then give yourself the ultimate gift by deciding not to do that anymore. You decide, instead, to get rid of that part." 

    "Once you’ve made the commitment to free yourself of that scared person inside, you will notice that there is a clear decision point at which your growth takes place. Spiritual growth is about the point at which you start to feel your energy change."   Michael Singer

    What I have noticed since I have stopped defending my sore spots, is that people truly do live this awkward posture.  They are not free to live, they simply survive another day of not being hurt…yet they are crippled and don't know it.  They are living with their body and life curved into itself trying to protect the pains they don't want to feel.

    My husband's family nature is to not talk about it…and hope for a new change… tomorrow…without actually doing anything.  

    In my experience, it doesn't work, for they are not willing to enter into places of uncomfortableness.  I have experienced great trauma and no one asks me about it. And yet, when I enter the room, trauma came with me. It was the elephant, while we made small talk around it.  

    When I was the elephant, I felt that they didn't want to engage with me, for it was too uncomfortable.  

    My history, my life was too uncomfortable for them to enter into, so I was left out and instead we all pretended we wanted to discuss the weather, politics….etc.

    I feel sensitive now to how a child must feel, when abuse happens to them, and their adults are not comfortable talking about things that make them uncomfortable….the child feels they are the cause. When in fact, the child is only bumping into the sore spot inside of the adult, that the adult wants to protect.  

    In my experience, the adults in my life, at the time of my abuse, choose to defend their own inner pain…and did not enter into my uncomfortable reality of abuse.

    NOT talking about it…is not a cure for abuse.

    I am still talking and entering into uncomfortable places, for I do not want a child to believe that their abuse makes them a leper in our society….

    I looked up the word Leper to see if I had this correct.  

    Leper

    "A person who is avoided or rejected by others for moral or social reasons: "she was a social leper".

    It is my opinion that we the abused are made to feel like lepers, due to the fact that folks want to avoid and reject uncomfortable topics.   This is due not so much to what happened to us, but what is inside of them.

    They don't want to feel their own pain, so they reject and avoid us.

    A huge flag is waving in your family and life, if you are not able to be comfortable with the uncomfortable subjects in life.  It means you have a wound inside of you your are protecting and defending.  As you close around your wound, you are closing me out.

    There is a wall I bump up against.  A cement barrier inside of them.  They blame me for being the cause of their uncomfortableness…when in fact, they can't get near me due to the sore spot inside of them.  In defending that, they hurry away from me.

    What I know for certain their are millions of abused children, adult children who are left alone, rejected and avoided…not due to being abused, but rather due to this pervasive reflex to protect their own inner pain.

    If your parents are still unhealed, you will not find an oasis there…you will not be welcomed in with your pain, but rather avoided and rejected.  We, the abused take this personally, that there is now something wrong with us…that we are damaged and that someone you love, doesn't want to be near you.

    We are now unlovable.

    We are now untouchable.

    We are rejected and avoided…now that abuse has happened to us.

    The reason abuse continues to flow is because each generation will not be with the hurt child, for instead they are protecting their pain inside of them. They don't want to feel pain, so they leave the wounded child alone.  

    Until the wounded adult children of abuse stand up and feel their pain, abuse will flow to the next generation.  When your child is in pain, you will reject them….look away and find a 'bright' spot to focus on.  You will let your child deal alone with their pains….Teaching them, that pain is something to keep hidden.

    Hiding pain is the sole reason abuse flourishes.

    I will continue to Live LOUD.  Talking loudly about my abuse.