The legacy of abuse will not end – the string of denial is strong and tied to friendships and the desire to be accepted and loved. It is coated by fun and painted with holiday traditions. It never looks like it really is.
When family gathers – my estrange family – what bothers me the most is not the fun I am missing out or the lack of relationships I have with them – what grabs my mind and holds on is the potential for more abuse.
The ways in which nothing has changed and we are into so many generations now.
How relentlessly they gather.
And, how family gatherings are ripe for abuse when the family legacy carries that thread.
Those who are in denial – see only family and the fun and memories they make.
And if they read my words, see me as the mental one – out here worried about the children – still.
My head hurts from trying to find an in.
A way to say what needs to be heard.
The fun that is seen and participated in block the view from what is going on underneath it all.
Abusers live for these events too – here they can groom and get to know their new victims.
Children that are brought to these events are innocent of what may happen there.
Innocent that sexual abuse happens in a family where for generations it has been happening.
They believe in the innocence of the family – that is not innocent.
I sit outside.
I am not participating.
I am the one who is in the wrong.
When you think of sexual abuse to children, you often believe that the adults are innocent too. Yet I know this is not so. Adults who have been abused are now bringing more children in. All in the name of family and holiday and memories to be made. All at the cost of new little ones being introduced to the inner thread.
It messes me up – every year – every time they gather – I can't not respond with anxiety and angst.
There will always remain a part of me that wants to warn – to beg and to ask for the children to be kept away.
I recall, sobbing that no one told us a monster lived in our house. That the neighbors and minister didn't care enough. Yet, what I didn't know is the echoing circles of denial that keep the family and religion going.
What I used to think is that they kept the secret secret.
Instead what they do more is keep the family acting like a family or a religion looking like it has morals and values.
They don't have to talk about the abuse – but they do have to keep the family looking like a normal one.
They have to keep meeting and gathering.
Being a family.
Regardless of what lays beneath.
My body responds with frustration indignation and futile knowing – that no matter what I say to whom and how articulate – family will gather – and grooming of the new little ones begins.
I didn't know that this would ever be part of the healing journey – that I would know – and so many would not. That not only would I know, but I could speak and not be heard. I could shout it to the rooftops and nothing would change. That I could refrain from attending and it would mean nothing.
In Anita Moorjani's book, "Dying to Be Me" she speaks of seeing the world differently and how often she would feel different than others. How she had to accept that everyone is on their own journey.
My lesson is to accept those who are in denial.
Accept that they want family acceptance and to be in the circle of family, regardless of its contents.
Accept that there is nothing more I can do – for anyone.
Accept that their choices are beyond my power.
I also have to accept that something within them feels off.
That a truth is being denied and their bodies feel it.
And, that someday, they will be able to live, speak and act from their inner knowing.
That they will be strong enough to go against the family grain.
I can be the model of stepping out.
of not participating – in order to put an end to the legacy of abuse.
I may not be able to even spare all in my own family tree.
I must accept that too.
My power is limited to me.
I can only live my truth.
In the past 16 years since my awareness – I bear witness to the legacy of family continuing on heedless.
I had to look up bear witness – and it means "to show that something exists or is true."
Perhaps I thought I could show abuse – but instead I show how the legacy continues.
How abuse gets covered up by family holidays and social gatherings. How normal it is made to appear.
It is to bear witness to hell – masquerading as family.
There are two viewpoints going on at once – yet only one is ever focused on.
Only one is ever on display and shown out-loud.
But the ramifications of the other are in the actual lives lived.
The dysfunction is not hidden for long.
The body never lies and the truth leaks out in unsuccessful relationships.
It is revealed in the un-ease, the awkward at best, displays of love.
Who I was within the family and muffled in denial – and how I loved and lived – is the complete opposite of who I am today.
I can have empathy and understanding for those who gather wanting the family.
Yet, I know it is a selfish act. For I know the cost it has on the children.
I drove the van to my parents house – I brought my children – I have been part of the masquerade – I was on stage trying to make that family work – and I know the cost. My denying my feelings and how my body held the truth – didn't matter. Abuse didn't care what I denied or did not – it moves and is grateful you arrive and with children.
I didn't end up with a solid moral family with values.
I ended up with more abuse.
Sometimes the human journey seems pointless and cruel.
Other times it is perfectly orchestrated.
Those in denial would keep a family going – for their actions are those of someone who isn't aware.
I looked up denial again "the action of declaring something to be untrue."
So each time they gather as a family it is declaring that the abuse is untrue.
For it is an oxymoron for abuse and family to be as one.
One of the main themes in my childhood was keeping up appearances. The way others saw us.
And, this trait still goes on today. I had to be brighter than the darkest abuse that lived in our family.
Better, cleaner, kinder, to name a few.
Often when my sisters gather they will re-do or clean or declutter a family member's home.
I see this and feel the desire to add a new layer to the thread of abuse. To cover up to make it shine to bring joy and beauty to a broken family. For years I helped carry the family and its broken pieces.
In awareness I put them all down – and as a wise man once said, in the exact same spot I picked them up.
Each of us gets to heal our own broken pieces. And, I can't know what it will take to make your awareness shine through.
I am grateful to the ones who see like I do.
Holidays are not holidays for me – but triggers to all that is still wrong.
When you poke your head up into awareness for the first time; all you may see are huge messes everywhere – but all it is is the truth your mind denied.
I feel like this turtle, seeing what so many disregard.
The truth has legs (from Martha Beck's book "The Way of Integrity" and will not rest, even if you do.
What explodes my mind is I see abuse, while others see love/family.
What I know is you have no love of self inside, if you can bring a child to a family where abuse has flowed for generations.
I M Perfect lady 