I M Perfect lady

Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • Lot of Living to Do

    In an exchange with a friend, I shared how there are still many times I have a lump in my throat and/or a feeling in my chest of sorrow.  The sadnesses of our lives don't just disappear; but the sounds of them grew fainter and then again come crashing in loud.

    I just don't believe that life will always feel like love and joy – and peace I feel happens when we can carry all of our emotions with us and accept them as they appear.

    There is a finesse in living with the pains of yesterdays.

    I learned that I could juggle both – and it was best not to hold on to any feeling too tightly; but to keep flowing with what arises.

     

    I process and shed many many tears on my mail route and it still offers me the space to breathe into the lumps and sorrows.

     

    Just as the virus was the background to 2020 – so are our past pains.

    Mixed into the memories and losses are todays sadness and missing – as well as the smiles some thoughts bring. Being open and present we can experience many emotions in one day.

    We are not the emotions we feel.

    We can honor them, acknowledge them, feel them and know this too shall pass.

     

    One of the things that helped me to maintain a balance, was to balance life.

    I allowed myself the minutes to be sad. Really Sad – and even really mad.

    I then gave myself minutes and hours of creative space and active movements.

     

    Even today, I know that who I am as a person is better when I have created, when I have been outside, and even when I take the time to be with me.  Breathing in and sitting with my truths.

     

    I am grateful to feel the wholeness of being human – being fearless in feeling the deepest sorrows and then the brilliant feelings of love and joy.

    Often we do not chose what arrives in our lives; but we do have the option in how we assimilate it into our worlds.

    Again, being creative and resilient offers to us ways in which we can expand and grow into who we are.

    I just wanted to share that a beautiful life holds all expressions.

    No part of me is being rejected.

    I am not ashamed.

    In order to be who I am today, I had to go through all that I went through.

    It is in the difficult times we find out who we are.

    You can't become a badass without struggle.

     

    Even a badass strides with lumps in their throats and sorrow in their chests.

    And, they do it living life in ways that are beautiful.

    Creating a strong inner knowing, it is survivable.

    Thrivable.

     

    And, I am extremely grateful for all the strong badass women who walk with me – while each carry their own lumps and chests full of sorrow.  We not only live – we live lives of adventure and growth. 

    We are badasses inside and out!

    Cheers to last year, and Welcome 2021

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    We have lots of living to do!  

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • All Used Up

    I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years – or two different things going on at once.

    The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

    I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

    There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

    I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

    Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

    Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

    And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

     

    I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

    Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

    Maybe being less social suits my personality.

     

    There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

    The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

     

    My pictures show a year of love.

    The people I love and spend time with.

    And, the many things I love to do.

     

    I see 2020 as another year of being me.

    Where moments turn into days and then months.

    I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

     

    The few weeks of fear – turned into acceptance and compliance – doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

     

    Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

    Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

    I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

    Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

     

    2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

    There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself – so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

     

    I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

    I see me going grey.

    I see me getting healthier.

    I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

    I see me enjoying more free time.

    I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

    I see me one year closer to retirement.

    I see me living.

     

    Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

    I didn't miss out on very much.

    Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

     

    As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

    For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

    Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

    2020 for me was a good year.

    2021 is looking good too.

    I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

    It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts – for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

    I spent mine well.

    They are all used up.

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  • All Used Up

    I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years – or two different things going on at once.

    The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

    I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

    There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

    I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

    Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

    Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

    And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

     

    I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

    Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

    Maybe being less social suits my personality.

     

    There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

    The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

     

    My pictures show a year of love.

    The people I love and spend time with.

    And, the many things I love to do.

     

    I see 2020 as another year of being me.

    Where moments turn into days and then months.

    I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

     

    The few weeks of fear – turned into acceptance and compliance – doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

     

    Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

    Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

    I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

    Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

     

    2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

    There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself – so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

     

    I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

    I see me going grey.

    I see me getting healthier.

    I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

    I see me enjoying more free time.

    I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

    I see me one year closer to retirement.

    I see me living.

     

    Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

    I didn't miss out on very much.

    Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

     

    As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

    For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

    Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

    2020 for me was a good year.

    2021 is looking good too.

    I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

    It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts – for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

    I spent mine well.

    They are all used up.

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  • My Church

    Some time ago, I began saying "My Church" when I was out on Sunday mornings in the woods.  

    It was something that I truly felt; but had not really tried to explain or even think deeply about.  I just loved the time I spent, either alone or with other women, doing something we all love, outside in nature. And, if it was on Sunday Morning; it became "My Church".

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    It wasn't until I sat with the vast difference between nature and religion, that I felt the expansive inclusive acceptance of nature; the opposite of so many religions.

    As you step into nature, nothing is required. There are no rules or sins.

     

    You are fully accepted, just as you are.

     

    I left religion 16 years ago.  

    And, about that time found the calming nature of nature.

     

    My world and life was so upside down and backwards, my heart and soul were crushed, and it felt that my home was too small to handle all the emotions that filled my body.  And, when I stepped outside in the morning, the sun would greet me, the wind and trees and ground felt solid, trustworthy and steady.

    It gave me all of itself and there was nothing I had to do in order to receive it.

    Nature does nothing and is everything. 

    A child doesn't need to be taught about nature.

    They are natural participants with it.

    At one.

     

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    Often religion works with the mind, to bend it away from its natural leanings.

     

    For instance, the body.

    When you sit and think about how some religions try to rule the body, by making up rules.

    No make-up, no hair dyes, no birth control etc.

     

    I was just talking to a friend about my nude ladies and how I don't see them as sexual in anyway; but women who are at ease in their skin. Who are empowered and free.  Who love themselves with all their flaws and celebrate who they are and how far they have come. The struggles and the pain, to land in peace and acceptance.

     

    I see my ladies and nature as one.  

    Just excited to be who and what they are.

    A tree of a certain type is that.

    A body of a certain type is that.

    Only man, and often religion create a rule that limits that or tries to oppress it.

    Willing its will against the nature of things.

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    What I know to be true, is that nature is a loving open space that gives.

    Acceptance and oodles of space to just be.

    It asks nothing of you.

     

    Imagine the largeness of it.

    I have said my definition of love is freedom.

    And, that is also my definition of my religion.

    Freedom to be who you were born to be.

    Freedom to express yourself with the body you have.

    Freedom to feel love of your own self.

    To love not only your body, but to love the nature of who you are.

    To love the accumulation of who you have been, to where you now are.

     

    I almost feel that religion is the opposite of nature.

    It is so unaccepting – contained – and limited.

     

    The difference between the two, leaves me breathless.

     

    All I know, is that my life; my heart and body and soul feel complete when I am in nature.

     

    My old religion had me believing in my wretchedness.  My sinful, blah blah blah.

    I 'needed' to be saved, needed to do this and then that. And, couldn't do this or that. Ya da ya da….

     

    Nature is.

    There.

    And you enter.

    Amen.

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     My Church.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Disturb the comfortable.

    "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." Cesar A. Cruz.

     

    What is the role of artists in a land that is fueled by division?

    What can we as individuals do to balance the imbalance?

     

    When things seem the most insane, what is the sane thing to do?

    How can we knit together a human moral and value system that includes all?

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    My intentions are to support those who are trying to evolve humanity.

    Or, even more themselves.

     

    Each of us have one life and live in close proximity with our own truths.

    I celebrate those who have adventured into new territories from that which they were raised.

    Explored different pathways and byways.

    Sought and created friends from different walks of life.

    All of this will create a beautiful tapestry of difference; where it will be harder to see the other as 'evil'.

     

    What seems like "evil" is often another way of life.

    Another's journey, that we know nothing about.

    We can't know where they have walked, and the choices that were available.

     

    Let us all be reminded we are more alike than we are different and help each other out of their complacency of systems that were designed to exclude huge segments of humanity.

    As an artist, I will strive to disturb the comfortable.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Before It Is Okay

    "Freedom is being okay, before things are okay."

     

    Freedom is when you are okay – before this or that happens.

    Being okay with this present moment, and knowing you can be okay if things go differently than you would like them to.

     

    Being okay, is about you.

    It isn't about what the world outside is or is not doing.

     

    There truly is very little we control – it all comes down to self.

     

    Perhaps it is best to decide today, how you will respond to the election IF it doesn't go according to your vote. Decide how you will feel; but mostly how you will act. What will you change in your life?

     

    The whole country seems to be in an heighten state of anxiety; both from the Covid Virus and the Election that has filled our worlds in the past many months.  And, social media feeds are fueling both – and we can chose to engage or not engage or even perhaps how to engage in things that pop up on our feeds.

     

    If you haven't watched "Social Dilemma" you may want to check it out.  It is on Netflix.  Some of us fear the political party opposite of who we voted for. We may want to look deeper into what is driving the dialogues and how much of our days are spent on social media and what are our gains OR more what we lose.

     

    Being cognizant on what you are putting out into the world – means being aware of your own thoughts, beliefs and what they mean to the world at large. What it means to your future and those around you.

    Does everyone in your circle think alike?  Do they all believe like you do?  How do they bring in good energy and block toxic behaviors?

     

    I am guilty of writing about things that confound me and trying to raise critical thinking; especially towards cults and strict religions and dysfunctional families.

    I wonder what is a better use of my time?

     

    What makes you think differently?

    How can we entertain new thoughts and evolve humanity in directions that will cause more harmony, and less division?

    I don't think we need to be passive or to live in a non-reality. But, each of us make up the landscapes we live in. Each of us are participating in creating the world we will leave behind.

    Our individual legacies will be what echoes after we are gone.

    Do we want to leave outrage and disgust OR hope of changing the world; by changing our world and growing a more open mind.

    In my experience, the more my mind has opened; so has my heart.

    I have a broader sense of humanity and the myriad of differences that are being expressed.

    I am less certain that I and my limited beliefs and knowing, have any answers for others.

    I leave others to know what is best for them.

    Which reminds me of Byron Katie's words –

    "I don't know what is best for me or you or the world. I don't try and impose my will on your or on anyone else. I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go.That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

     

    As we all continue to find our own ways. Let us try and be kinder to what we don't know or understand or believe.

    Let us be okay; before it is okay.

     

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  • A Year of Naked Truths

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    I am working on the nudes and putting together a calendar for next year.  In sitting with them and pondering words or ideas, I recalled a conversation I had with a friend.

    She said, "You have to be okay – before things are okay."

     

    Learning to be okay where we are right now, in the circumstances we are with – and being okay with it down to your soul, is true power.

     

    I want my naked ladies to inspire other women to be with their naked truths.  Regardless of what that is.

    We were taught that the truth is ugly or shameful – and not to be exposed.  

    We were taught to lie in order to be liked, loved and approved – to fit in and keep the peace.

     

    There is a legacy that women in my family have handed down generation to generation. I don't know what the correct word is that I am seeking to describe this woman.

    A woman who was invisible to herself.  

     

    In front of her stood family, spouse, religion and social niceties.

    She, the real her, was nowhere to be found.

    A legacy of living without yourself.

    A life without you.

    Living your life for everyone but you.

     

    She didn't matter.  

    And, when she didn't matter, she passed her value down to her children.

    They didn't matter enough.

     

    This may not seem right or that it even matters, how much or how little a woman dances with her truths.

    How truthful she is, or not, will color the love she has for herself.

     

    Can you love yourself and be living lies?

    Can you lie to yourself and feel what love is?

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    What I learned was the truths that were the hardest to acknowledge to myself, held love.

     

    It seems that it is the opposite.

    That when you bring in sexual abuse, you will lose value.

    When you bring in a pedophile for a father, you will decrease your value.

    When you admit you have a mother who knew and did nothing – it is a loss.

    However, oddly it can raise your worth.

     

    I was worth enough to walk away.

     

    Sitting with my wounded self – I felt more valuable to me.

    It doesn't matter to me, how others see me.

     

    In fact, there seems to be a consorted effort to keep us from ourselves.

    And, our naked truths of our own life.

    A religion whose main theme is to forgive the 'sins' or truth of what is.  Creates a false place to live.

    Families who are silent about the abuse – from one generation to the next.

    Society that rewards pretend over real.

    The list is long and uninspiring.

     

    I would love a revolution of truth baring women.

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    Growing the next generation in love.

    Real love.

    Imperfect looking love.

    Wild, tough, fierce, strong, empowered, fearless, love.

    Love that is inspiring and worthy to hand down.

     

    I know where I came from and its cost.

    I also know the cost of returning there.

     

    I turn towards the future by holding truth sacred with me.

    By knowing and living with the darkest parts of me and gathering them close.

    It has allowed me to have boundaries and to walk the walk I want my grandchildren's mothers to walk.

     

    These ideas will be the seeds for my naked lady calendar.

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    Beauty and strength arise when we can bare our truths to our own hearts.

     

    2021 will be a year of naked truths.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Our own free will.

    Below is a link I was given – to help me understand how some churches support Donald Trump.

    https://cornerstonechapel.net/?page_id=418&i=1538

    In listening to this, I do understand more.  

    I understand why they would not want change to come to a system that their religion fits into so comfortably.  One that appears to match their interpretations of the Bible.  A system that sees the world, as they see the world.

    It matches, and is comfortable.

    And, it keeps 'evil' out.

     

    What my experience of my religion was, is that those who didn't believe like us or who would threaten our beliefs, they were evil.  If their morals and values didn't match ours, they were seen as threats.

     

    When religion gets into politics, it gets real messy really fast.

     

    Then politics start to look more like a religion – and morals and values are passed through the lens of certain religions.  God starts to be pigeon holed into places and removed from others.

    Maybe when religion gets into humanity, we all lose.

     

    What I know, is that without a religion, I don't fear anything threatening who I am, what I stand for, and how I live my life.  I don't want a religion trying to interfere with my own moral compass.

     

    I am one of the lucky ones. I can freely live as myself – and I have privilege to do so.

     

    Yet, there are many religions whose teachings look down upon others and take away their rights to be themselves.  And, often these religions, see themselves are morality keepers.

     

    I listened to Matthew McConaughey's book and a few of his interviews – About "Greenlights" his book.

    What he would like to see is all of us agreeing on values as humanity.

    What do we as humanity value most?

    What will give respect to all?

    What are the values that will serve all of humanity, not just a few who happen to look and believe like us.

    Value–

    "the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth…"  

    "a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

     

    What are the principles and standards for being human?

    What can our government do to help raise the value of all of us?

    Humanity will benefit greatly when all of us are seen as valuable.

     

    What I value is individual-ness, uniqueness – people being their authentic selves. I don't want cookie cutter groups of humanity. I don't want sameness. I want each of us to be able to live fully in our own expressions of who we are.  

    There are aspects of government that are tricky and messy and when we all work towards value, perhaps we can see clearer.  

    I don't want a government that values one religion over another. One way to see God over another. One sex of humanity over another, one sexual preference over another…

    Mostly the evolution and peacefulness of humanity will be when we all see our individual value as well as the value of all others.

    I do think we vote for what matters to us. 

    What matters to me, is that we all get to live our lives reaching our highest potential.  

    We will not all rise to the same level or become the same; but we will bring our uniqueness to the world.

    A world of beautiful individuals being themselves.

     

    We all lose when there is someone using their power to take away the power of another.

    We will all gain, when we can become self-empowered.

     

    A relationship that has two empowered individuals living their lives to their highest – is one that honors each person. That is the humanity I want to live with.  

    Isn't that what God gave us – our own free will.

     

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  • Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor

    This is a self and world changing podcast by Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor " The Body is not an Apology."  If we could get this, the rest would fall into place.

    https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-sonya-renee-taylor-on-the-body-is-not-an-apology/

    I will first write about this quote.

    There was a quote that moved about on Social Media, that was credited by Brene Brown, when it was actually Sonya Renee Taylor's.

     

    A quote by Sonya Renee Taylor that says, "We will not go back to normal. Normal never was. Our pre-corona existence was not normal other than normalized greed, inequity, exhaustion, depletion, extraction, disconnection, confusion, rage, hoarding, hate and lack. We should not long to return, my friends. We are being given the opportunity to stitch a new garment. One that fits all of humanity and nature."

    This idea is very thought producing.  Not only as the whole of the US society, but of our individual lives.

    What I love about this idea is that what we have called normal, is often way off the mark.

    It may have been normal for our families; but that doesn't mean that it was normal.

     

    She is speaking about society at large; and yet the society is made up of individuals and individual families.

    Each of us has the opportunity to stitch a new garment; "One that fits all of humanity and nature."

     

    In my life, I was raised in a fundamental religion in a dysfunctional home. It was normal for me.

    When I became aware of this – I knew that there needed to be many changes in my life, to reach close to normal.

     

    What I also thought of, as some in our society are wanting less governing, less policing etc.  We are now discovering the dysfunction of our system. It is a time for more boundaries not less.

    As I became aware of dysfunctional systems in play in my own life, I didn't want less restrictions, I wanted more.

    I needed to create ways to rid my life of the things that were hurtful, disrespectful and those who felt they could do whatever they wanted to me.

    I had to have a stricter policing of my life – not toss it all out.

     

    To me, it would make more sense if the police policed each other.  If they stood up for stronger standards within their individual forces.  

     

    And yet, we as people – fail to do this in our own lives; for a variety of reasons.  Yet we fail.

     

    I lived in a family, where the two highest positions were not able to police themselves, in a manner that would keep children safe.  We needed a stronger policing force – someone who could see the dysfunction – and who would hold my parent's accountable.

    In my own life, when I discovered my own abuse – and the systems I believed in where the abuse was allowed to flourish, I had to rethink and look closely at all I believed in.  And, I had to set new boundaries IN order to make it harder for an abuser to abuse.

     

    I am not even certain I can get others to see what an opportunity we now have to change our societal tone. How it will be up to each of us, to clean, if you will, our own lives.  What do you stand for, who do you have power over and why?  How is equality divided up in your worlds? 

    It is easy to sit and look "out there" and see all the injustices going on.

    It is much harder to sit and see where you are unjust in your own world.

    Who do you put higher on the ladder and who is lower?

     

    We ask police systems to police their own. When there are many of us who cannot police their own lives.

    How many allow bad behavior within their circles.  Who forgive, and forget. Who lower the standards for family – etc.  Accept, and even respect elders; for age sake, turning a blind eye to their poor behaviors.

    And, even more – how well do we police our own self.

    How much negative energies do you allow around you.

    How much negative behavior do you dish out.

    It is so easy to sit and be an armchair expert on society – but it takes deep commitment to clean up your own lives, body and spirit.

     

    The self-cleaning that I had to do, began with me.

     

    Back to the podcast that is on this post. I highly highly recommend listening to it and seeing how the ladder concept has influenced your world.  How you view yourself and your status in the world matters.  

    Mostly, how you love who you are and how you see yourself on the ladder we call life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • In the parade of life.

    There are many different small pieces of myself I have been working on.

    The integration of my mother's image and mine.

    The lack of control of have of the next generation.

    Mostly just focusing on being a single me.

    Bringing my attention to what is mine to manage and to let go of what is not and creating more fully who I am.

     

    I get that we are part of a continuum – I am tagged to the woman above me as well as the women below me.

    Yet I am a single me.

     

    Becoming a single me has been a journey of extricating myself from the cycles of abuse. And, reconnecting with the self that I was prior to abuse. While living out my life as a mother. 

    The woman I am – greatly mattered in how I would mother.

    And, there does come a time where your mothering days are over.

    Where there isn't a need anymore – there is a letting go – and allowing.

    Allowing of lessons to be delivered – learned or ignored. 

    It is crucial to know when to bow out and when to engage.

     

    What I am feeling the integration mostly of is the boiling down of all my choices that are Me.

    The work I have done, is done. The work of assimilating my abused self into reality and then redefining me.

     

    I was undoing my false self and becoming my real self  - without a self if that makes sense.

    The Who I was wasn't me and who I would be has been slowly growing over the years – a slow process of unraveling and knitting together.

     

    I think, I thought that what I was doing was for my kids or the next generation; but in reality it could only be for me.

    A old dysfunctional mode of co-dependency had me always believing that I somehow swayed the trajectory of others by how I moved.  

    I guess because I was so strongly influenced by mother, I felt that I too could/would/should influence as well.

     

    That may be the dysfunction way of legacy.

     

    I wonder what is a healthier version of influence.

     

    I do know that I have been greatly influenced by women who are strong, brave, resilient and who have swerved when their lives took a turn that left them heartbroken – but pulled themselves up and carried on.

     

    What I always come to is the frustration and anxiety of trying to control an outcome – that I have no power in.  And, after days/weeks of wrestling – I get tired and I let go.

    I let go out of wisdom – not because I don't care.

    I actually care and love deeply – which is why I want to intervene and save.

    Yet, that isn't the way the world works.

    In Byron Katie's words "There is your business, my business and God's business.  If I am in your business, no one is left in mine."

     

    Perhaps the guts of my journey for the past 16 years has been to disengage from dysfunction. To be just in my business.   Or to find out who I am.

     

    The lessons I have learned by first doing things for the approval of others, to be liked, to fit in, etc – brought me to a place of being without Me.  I was only alive in the eyes of others.

    I literally woke up at 46 and there was no Me – in me.

    I had lived empty inside.

    The outside created me.

    I was asleep in my own life. 

     

    And, each time I hop into someone else's business I leave my life empty.

     

    Often I go into another's life when I am not eager to play with my own lesson.

    My lesson now is integrating myself – with my mother – in a way that leaves me at peace.

     

    I don't know how to do this.

    Elegantly.

     

    Kindly.

     

    With love.

     

    I sit with where I came from – the woman who is my mother.

    What parts -that are in both of us – that can be salvaged.

     

    When I feel most strongly repelled.

    I feel the rejecting – more than the continuum of family.

     

    The solid and complete rejection I have had from my family, I am sure influences this.

    For, I feel that character traits – are what flow from generation to generation.

    Traits that I saw – held abuse alive.

     

    How can you find the string of love – when love wasn't felt.

    Or strength of moral value – when none was seen.

     

    It is an odd grasping – and trying to integrate the old – when I pick up a piece, to just put it down.

     

    Who am I?

     

    I sometimes feel like a freak of nature.

    One who doesn't fit into the societal roles of what a daughter does – a sister etc.

    A misfit or rebel.

     

    Yet, I do feel that I am sliding from daughter/mother into just being Me.

    Maybe a grandma Me who doesn't hold the same responsibilities that a mother holds.

    Grandma Me is freer.

     

    I have walked my parts out.

    Until I walked here.

    To the single Me.

     

    Maybe I have defined the traits I was looking for in my mother. I defined them for me. 

    The love I feel towards myself is what I have to give others.

    The morals and values I have – are what can be pulled to the next generation If they chose.

    Maybe the integrating I need to do, is being older.

    The mothering days are few and far in between. They will let me know when I am needed.

    I no longer am a daughter.

    a sister

    or even an aunt.

     

    The space is wide open to be Me.

    Perhaps this is what the mid-life crisis is – where you have to redefine the roles in your life.

    The older you get the fewer there are.

     

    Maybe what I am really feeling is the birth of just being a single Me – in the parade of life.

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