Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

My Jeep is in the Body Shop for repairs from the Hit and Run.  I had planned for me to be out of town for part of it, knowing I would not be a happy mail lady delivering from a car. 

The trip was cancelled, but not the body repairs.

I was given a loaner car. (For which I am very grateful, otherwise I would have had to rent one.) A pontiac.  A low to the ground pontiac. Oh my gosh, I was amazed at just how low it was.  I hit my knee on the first try in, and knew I was in for a not so fun week ahead.  

Or a funny week.

Mondays are typically heavy mail days, so I took the day off, so not to be overwhelmed on my first ride in the car. 

Yesterday was a tough day, mentally and physically.  I was spent and not very happy. And, there were many moments that I appeared to be a crazy lady.

I have not driven a left hand drive vehicle much in the past 10 years.  

What typically are mindless movements, had me confused.

Just figuring out what side was the drivers side – had me always on the wrong side; puzzled when I opened the door to see a mail tray.

Or, standing by the trunk, lost without a handle.  I would have to go back and click the key  fob – Again, and again with each package – forgetting to have foresight.

In order to maneuver a left hand drive vehicle for mailbox delivery, I have to be able to reach easily out the right-hand side of the vehicle.  Which means to drive and reach, I sit in the middle.  Now, while I was a backup delivery girl, I did this all the time. I got used to it, no big deal.  But after years in a right hand vehicle, this seemed backwards and clumsy.

I control the pedals with my left leg, and steer with my left arm.

In order to get out of the vehicle, I have to scoot over onto the seat.  

I don't scoot like I did when I was young and would sit by a boyfriend. 

I huff, puff, and get to the edge and then roll out sorta.

The buckle that holds the seat belt, reminds me it is there, only when I feel it dig into my hip or my bottom.

The ceiling of the newer cars, have a place for sunglasses and stuff, and I need to dip before I scoot.  The times I forgot to dip, I would knock my hat off.  Chuckle sometimes and swear other times. I feel like a flop out all out of breath and sorts!

The middle seat in the car really isn't a seat seat.  It usually has the console or cupholder down.  I flip that up and then sit there or mostly there, but also on the passenger seat edge, which slopes down for the seat part of that seat. Which if you were really sitting all the way in it, it would fit your bottom well.  

These struggles are just to be in the vehicle and deliver.  

I know I have done this, I know many do it; but it is hard to go backwards from a right hand made for delivery vehicle to just a regular make do one.

So, the next fun part is figuring out how to organize in order to actually have a workable mail car and keep the packages and mail easily in reach.  

I had a variety of cars when I was the backup mail lady. Some had dashboards that were awesome and flat, or glove boxes that would hold my drink, or ashtrays that made perfect yogurt holders.  Some had wonderful big backseats, where my tubs could fit neatly to hold small packages etc. Trunks with low entry for getting in heavy mail trays with ease. Or big and roomy to hold large packages and a bigger volume.

Each car has character points that make it an acceptable mail car.

Even the height of the car makes a difference.

Where the mail goes and packages big and small all depend upon the vehicle you have.

It takes time to orientate yourself, and the mail, for a smoother delivery.

This pontiac seemed to have everything I didn't need.  The slope on the dash has my phone sliding off, mail and small packages, that I automatically place there.  No safe place for a lunch, and the tubs and trays are so so placed.  You can deliver from there, but it gets on your every nerve and by the second half of the route, my body is done and done sitting so awkwardly.  You get slap happy for everything seems like a struggle and you are not up for each little task.  I haven't felt this inept in a long while!

This pontiac as I said is low. Like the hood of it is lower than the bumper on my jeep, low.

So, you can imagine my view compared to the jeep when looking at mailboxes. There are literally a few mailboxes I cannot reach, let alone see into.  

While this one was high, it isn't the highest on the route. I just looked up and laughed.  Like really???  My arms seemed too small.  And, If I reach too far out of the window, my foot slips off the brake….and I roll forward.  Insane and hilarious!

Today flags were up on a couple of high boxes, which the only way to serve them, was for me to get out and retrieve the mail.  Not the safest practice for sure, but it felt good to be out of the car – after I scooted, huffed and puffed, sometimes hat on, other times hat off.  I am sure folks will start wondering when I exit the vehicle to deliver mail. 

If my backup had a car, I would put notices in the high boxes, the 'regulation height is 46 inches off the ground", which is not a commonly known fact.  

By the time I get back to the Post Office, my body, mind and soul are spent.  Just from operating a different tool than what I typically use on my job.

I also noticed, I didn't look about as much. Well for one, I seem so low to the ground. In fact today a pheasant almost flew into my open window.  That I did see.   But, with so much that is out of sorts, my vision became closer to my needs.

I have always been grateful for my jeep. I have worried about its safety, knowing if and when something happened to it, I would be back in a left hand drive vehicle, which I would have to make do, to do my job.  Doable, but the stress takes all the fun out of running mail.

My jeep is scheduled to be done on Friday. The guys at the body shop, sorta knew I needed it returned as quickly as possible.  I can only hope they do not run into any snags.

My backup lady, who did the mail on Monday, asked me on Tuesday morning IF I had practiced driving the car. I replied, "No.  It will be like riding a bike."  Well, I then had to tell her, 'Yeah it is like riding a bike, a bad bike."  A bike with a bad seat, handle bars to far to really reach comfortably and same with the pedals.  

Today was a bit better.  I am learning to adapt to less than ideal tools, and my body was less sore. Which is sorta scary, that it too is adapting to slouching, stretching, and leaning.

I have two more days to go, (hopefully) in the pontiac – and oh what a happy mail lady I will be to be back in the bright green jeep!

I most likely will still be a bit crazy, huffing and puffing and with crazy hair and hat; but I will no longer be stressed about the vehicle!

It is not a necessity, or a must have, but it certainly takes 75%, at least if not more, stress away from my job when I am driving on the right!

I listened to a podcast yesterday, that calmed me down, and had me thinking of this virus in new ways.  I will continue to use Hand Sanitizer and Clorox wipes and will still be social distancing, etc.  This isn't about lessing what I am doing; but it eased my mind in an odd way.

Here is the podcast that I listened with Sanjay Gupta and Dax Shepard.

https://armchairexpert.simplecast.com/episodes/sanjay-gupta-on-covid-19

When I heard them discussing the possibility of there being folks who had the virus, prior to knowing there was a virus, I felt it was me.

I had a weird cold, as far as colds go, in the beginning of March.  It was unlike any cold I had ever had.    

My symptoms were a very dry throat, like way down the windpipe dry – can't swallow dry, coughing, wheezing with a tight chest, and I could not taste and I was very fatigued. I chalked it up to having to work while sick.  I pushed through tiredly.

So, here is the deal, just because we were unaware of it, does it mean it wasn't here?

If we had symptoms, but didn't have a name, could it have been the virus – prior to it being discovered?

How can we know, or does it matter if we know or not.  Does the virus care if we know? Or does the virus silently move about as viruses do?

What I am more at peace with, is feeling that I now have context for it.  The fear has lessened, due to knowledge.  And, if I am right – experience.

I am also hopeful that the folks I know who also felt they had symptoms, but no name, that we are not the only ones. That there are more of us out there, who have had it, but didn't know.

The groups of us, will do what they talked about on the podcast, we can be the Herd. The ones to flatten and drop the numbers; because we can't be re-infected so soon.  Or, so it appears.

They don't know the history of this virus, we all are writing it right now.

I hope this will bring hope and more calm and peace as it brought me. 

I think we need to talk about the virus before it had a name.  

Oh, and the elderly or those whose health was compromised, who may have died with what we thought was just pneumonia – could have been from the virus.  We can't know how long this virus has been around.  We didn't start testing and still don't test everyone.

We may be further along in this process that we thought.  

And, I will repeat, that I will not change the way I am being. I will still wipe with Clorox, and use my hand sanitizer.  I will still act like I am infected.  Even while I believe, sadly it was a few weeks back.  I was asymptomatic but contagious and did not know it.  

I can't even know how I was infected, or the chain that brought it to me….or the chain that I began and where it went.

I was spreading a virus, before I even knew it existed.

Which is why if more stay home, the chains will be broken, before they even start.

Perhaps our fear will be lessened by the more we know.  

The more we talk about the possibilities of our "odd colds" whose symptoms matches those of this virus.

It is a respiratory attacking virus.

Different than the normal cold.

I wanted to share this, and then part of me wonders if I will be criticized for doing so. For it is speculation on my part. Even if, I feel I am right, I can't prove it.

I feel more knowledge is best, more discussions, more curiosity and wonder, will lead to more awareness and hopefully understanding, why we all need to curtail our interactions with others.

I didn't want to keep this to myself and my family.  I want this to be part of the virus discussion – where was the virus before it was discovered?

My feelings over the past few weeks have run the gamut; and sometimes all in one day or even in an hour.

Mostly my anxiety has markers of PTSD and my struggle in wanting to control others. These feelings feel like time travelers of walking through my abuse.  Trying to get others to see/feel/understand the severity of doing nothing; and its cost.

And, me failing.

Then, letting go of it all – them all.

It is not in my hands to steer this pandemic.

This is a great relief.

In my control is to put space between me and those who make me anxious.

Just as in any human crisis, there are many components, and each of us can only be responsible what is in our sphere of influence.

My world, as with most of us, got really small.  There is a peace in that too.  The outside world seems to have darkened or, has gone out of focus. 

The future is way fuzzy.

There is way too much that is unknown.

And, while we believe that we are in a different place, it is really like any other time in life.

We only think we know what the future holds.

We don't.

Perhaps this virus will allow all of us to get comfortable with uncertainty.

To sit with the unknown, and be way okay.

Just as I let go of other's and their behavior, I also let go of who will be affected by this Virus and who will not.   It really isn't up to me.  

This still means I will do my level best to distance myself from others. To wash, wipe and repeat.  Many times a day. To be aware of what my hands touch.

However, I also am even more aware of the energy in my home.

I don't want panic to dominate.

I do not want these weeks to pass as if we are all holding our breaths.

Instead, I want this time to be looked upon fondly, as we had time to….

Relax more.

Play longer.

Do more art.

Enjoy nature.

It is up to each of us, to feel the breath of our worlds.

Tonight my granddaughter and I spent an hour outside. We saw geese and swans flying overhead and ducks and geese in the water. And, we heard their honks and wings flapping. We felt the mud/dirt beneath our feet, felt the wind and sun on our faces. We breathed in beautiful fresh air.  

We talked and planned for her mom's birthday. We will create a simple celebration.

The Virus is serious and it is in our present; but we can also keep new routines to make this time pass as normally as possible.  And, to not waste what we have now.  The future isn't promised to any of us.  Let us live, truly live right now.

There is still much freedom to be had each day.

It is also amazing how quickly I have not thought about going further than work.  How accustomed I have already become in the small routine of this new normal.

I believe the sooner we do this, the quicker it will pass. 

If we put off living, until – the virus will take from us; prior to actually taking from us.

Part of my PTSD or being traumatized and recovering, is not tolerating anxiety and stress and the idea and thoughts that twist my mind about wanting others to behave differently.

I learn, even if it takes me a few weeks, to let go.

To circle back to my own life in a self loving way.

Leaving others free to live their lives.

There is a difference inside of me – I feel peace letting the Universe flow and me not trying to bend it into submission in my mind.

The old phrase, "Live like you are dying" came to mind.

I will enjoy many beautiful moments that I can – even in the middle of a crisis – or perhaps especially in the middle of one.

Which is what I want to take as my lesson from the Virus.