Category: Examples of an Imperfect woman

  • “Take Back the Night”

    IMG_7441
    I created this quilt with the theme, "Take Back the Night".  I was trying to depict the weight of fear and how it bends you down…in comparison to taking back your power.  Dancing under your full power.

    IMG_7443
    I met with Detective Rosie and An-gel from Dial Help on Monday. The three of us are forming a connection…coming from different angles, working to find new answers to old problems.  I enjoy our meetings greatly.  The meeting was about the event planned for April 24th, "Take Back the Night".  Rosie and I will be there…An-gel is one of the organizers.  

    IMG_7444
    If this quilt isn't used there, she will go to the Ed Gray Gallery. 

  • Without you asking, “Why?”

    Gary Zukav writes about intentions in his book, "Spiritual Partnerships; The Journey to Authentic Power.

    "Intention means different things to five-sensory individuals that it does to multisensory individuals.  Five-sensory individuals think of intentions in terms such as "to get a new job."  Multisensory individuals go deeper.  They ask, "Why do I intend to get a new job?"  One reason might be, for example, "to make more money" (other reasons might be to have more prestige, work closer to home, or have a greater sense of meaning), and they keep asking until they find their real reason.  Their quest for the deepest Why leads them to their actual intention.  For example, a parent may intend to make more money in order to send her child to college.  Beneath this intention lie deeper intentions.  One parent may intend to send her child to college because she feels obligated, her family expects it, or her neighbor's children are going to college.  Another may intend to expose her child to languages, cultures, and disciplines that will stimulate her creativity and passion.  These are different intentions, and they will create different consequences."

    "The Why beneath the Why (and sometimes the Why beneath that, etc) is the intention that creates the consequences.  That is the Why that determines the experience of your life.  The parent who sends her child to college to make her (the parent) feel better about herself, as a good as her neighbors or to avoid family disapproval is concerned about herself. The parent who supports her child with the gift of education is concerned about her child.  One is taking and the other is giving.  One is motivated by fear, and the other is motivated by Love.  Both parents set into motion the Universal Law of Cause and Effect and the Universal Law of Attraction and therefore, create different consequences with their intentions. The first parent will experience the pain of discovering that someone she loves is using her for his or her own well being (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will attract to her people with hidden agendas (Universal Law of Attraction). The second parent will experience the joy of being cared fro without conditions (Universal Law of Cause and Effect) and will draw to herself people who are concerned for her (Universal Law of Attraction)."

    "To the five-sensory perception, these actions are identical – a parent sends a child to college.  Without knowing the intention beneath the action, however, it is not possible to know the consequence that the action will create.  When I first learned to ski, I would carry my skis on my shoulder with the short ends in front of me and the long ends with the tips behind. However, I soon learned how dangerous that was because I kept forgetting how far the tips extended. When I turned, they swung around fast, causing people to duck and lunge out of the way (and complain).  Not knowing your intentions is like carrying long skis on your shoulder into a china shop. Every time you turn, something behind you breaks and you can't see what caused the damage, but you are responsible for it." 

    "Using your creative power without knowing your intentions is like driving a car with a windshield painted black.  You travel, but you do not know where.  You expect to arrive at a destination, but when you get out of the car (or the car crashes into something), you discover that where you thought you were going and where you went are different.  If you have a need to please people, for example, you will be surprised (and probably have been many times) to discover that they eventually push you away.  When your intention is to see a smile or be appreciated in order to feel safe and valuable (this is the pursuit of external power), you will always feel the pain of rejection when you see a frown instead or your efforts are not appreciated. Eventually (or immediately) you will feel abused.  Your compulsive efforts to please have a price, and when it is not paid, you become angry.  You expect to arrive at appreciation, but your arrive instead at rejection and anger – a very different destination."

    "Most people drive with their windshield painted black, for example, the husband provides his wife with home and security and then becomes angry when she does not provide him comfort and sex on demand.  Like my friend who thought he loved his dog but became enraged when it failed to meet his expectations (hidden agendas), the husband reached a different destination (frustration, anger and pain) than the one he anticipated (domestic bliss).  If you think your windshield is clear, ask yourself how many times you have felt angry, or at least miffed, when someone dismissed a gift that you gave, or there it away. (Another sweater? I've got one already and you know I don't like brown.") Those experiences always signal the presence of an intention that you were not aware of, one that is different from the intention you thought you held."

    "This is a common misconception what the healthiest intentions is to "feel good."  The addict in the ally injects heroin because it makes him feel good, but it is not making him healthy or even getting him out of the alley.  On the other hand, the alcoholic who has just stopped drinking is in excruciating pain, but is becoming healthy. The healthy intention is never to pursue external power. Intending to get attention, for example, with a fast or opulent car, gorgeous spouse, beautiful home, expensive jewelry, ideal life (or anything else) because you feel inadequate, invisible, and powerless without it will not take you where you want to go when your destination is a life of more meaning and less emptiness, more joy and less pain, more love and less fear."

    " That life is the potential, and also the evolutionary requirement of, multisensory humans, and all humans are becoming multisensory or soon will be. The casual connections between us are more than physical. We influence another and all of Life with our choices of intention, with our choices of intention we transform our experiences from fear to love (or not), and our world from brutal  to compassionate (or not). We are each ultimately responsible for the well-being of all that is.  The pursuit of external power is the set of initial conditions that always creates harsh weather. the more we think of ourselves as invisible or powerless, the more we wield our creative power irresponsibly. (and create painful consequences). The more we blame others for our experiences, envy them, or rage at them or ourselves, the more painful consequences we create.  The emergence of multisensory perception is a dawn unlike any before, and the rising sun is illuminating a new set  of initial conditions that always and everywhere creates the best of all weather." Gary Zukav 

    What I didn't know is that there were many levels of Whys behind the surface intention or action. That there are literally piles of Whys we need to ask to get to rock bottom. And the rock bottom is covered up, unless you ask "Why?".

    However, you could really work this backwards and see your destination.  If you don't like where you are, it means the why beneath your intentions drove you there without you asking, " Why?"

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live out their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…

     

     

     

     

     

  • Being Raised not to Follow.

    I met my polar opposite yesterday, the opposite end of the spectrum, a woman who left her childhood completely empowered.

    Two completely different upbringings and their outcomes.  

    Her parents made choices that gave her power and kept her mind free of fairy-tales and lies.  Mine was deluged in illusions.  We had to live our their intentions.

    The two of us…one trained to follow and give up her mind, the other was groomed to keep it clear, wide open and self discerning.  A huge and profound impact on how we entered into the grown-up world.

    Between the two of us, who would be more susceptible to grooming and luring of predators?  Which one had a firm grasp on her self and self confidence?

    I didn't even know I was allowed to be a self…I was a part of a bunch. Take the rest away and I didn't know how to move on my own.  My actions always visited the churches beliefs first, my mother second, my husband third and or someone, before a choice was made.  I didn't know how to make one on my own, for my Self…She had no church to appease or others, and was made to think on her own.

    She mirrored to me just how confined I was by her total freedom.  I can appreciate her wide open upbringing and wonder can she even visualize mine…to even gain a morsel of true understanding.

    Can you even know what it feels like to be whittled down to zero if you have always been given wide berth to be yourself? Can a wild horse appreciate the confines of a barn and fence?

    I have had the privilege to have lived on both sides…to experience the differences.  Yet somehow I can see how she has been 'offered' the choice to go into the barn and has refused…preferring the open space.

    Seeing the two of us, one raised as a wild and free person and the other with someone holding my reins, steering me, and using me for their use.  A work horse and a wild free one.

    I ran away into the land she was raised in. 

    And yet didn't know how to roam free.

    Just has hard as it would be to get her acclimated to the barn, it was equally hard to become accustomed to having no reins.

    She wasn't introduced to religion until she was 16. She had to take a college course on religion to learn about them all.  She then saw them with a well defined sense of self and reality and they were seen with a much clearer eye than say mine….I was introduced by being submerged into it, never having lived outside of it.  There wasn't a choice.

    Can you imagine introducing a 16 year old to religion; to take away their free spirit and put it in a barn?  Imagine if it was illegal to speak to children about religion until they turned 16.  Religions would dry up…and spirituality would bloom.

    Not only was I kept on a short leash, but abused.  It was like my course was powerlessness, while her's was empowerment.  I had to fight my way to the place her parents kept her.

    Just as she didn't have a choice but to follow her free spirits, I had no choice but to live in the barn.

    Yet somehow, I believed I wanted to be in the religion that it was my choice, when in fact, I was born in captivity. It was my comfort place, and the lands outside the barn were places to fear or at the very least seemed foreign and uncomfortable.

    Interesting we both felt at home on opposite ends of the spectrum…and I would have lived there forever, If something within me didn't begin to get restless….yearning for something, I just didn't know what.

    It was as if the land of wide open mind space was calling me. And I am not certain I would have made the leap, if my barn if you will, didn't explode.  If my illusions were not exposed…everything collasped and I was left standing in an open field.

    And it took me many years to find my way, my self, and my power.

    I just get left with the total different mindset our parents had…to empower or keep powerless.  Her life was lived completely different based upon the intentions of her parents. 

    Two different journey's of empowerment…one was taught from birth and one was discovered when the illusion fell apart.  Her parents never lied to her, and mine lived out their lies…raising me in a non-reality based childhood, while hers was the total opposite.  It was an amazing encounter…I had never met anyone raised so free.

    Imagine being allowed to be yourself or actually be forced to be yourself, find and live your own truth! Being raised not to follow…

     

     

     

     

     

  • Nothing to Hide.

    Today's reading from Mark Nepo's book, "The Book of Awakening"

    "I often think of Nicodemus, the one Pharisee who secretly believed in Jesus and who would meet with him anonymously at night to have deep spiritual conversations, but who would never acknowledge his questions of spirit or his association with Jesus in the light of day.  Of course, this did nothing to the essence of Jesus, but traumatically thwarted and plagued Nicodemus for the rest of his days."

    "This story shows us the quiet pain that comes from not honoring what we know to be true, even if all we know to be true are the questions we are asking.  It is even more useful to realize that we each carry a Jesus and a Nicodemus within us; that is, we each have a divine inner voice that open us to truth and a mediating social voice that is reluctant to show its truth to others."

    "The famous British child psychologist D.W. Winnicott called these aspects of personality our True and False Self.  it is the True Self that lets us know what is authentic and what has become artificial, while the False Self is a diplomat of distrust, enforcing a lifestyle of guardedness, secrecy, and complaint."

    "In everyday terms, this means that each time we experience a change in reality as we know it, we must choose whether to declare or hide what we know to be true. At such moments, we either need to bring the way we have been living into accord with that shift of reality, or we need to resist the change.  Thus, in daily ways, whether we live in our True or False Self depends on our willingness to stay real.  And so, over time, staying real becomes the work of keeping our actions in the world connected to the truth of our inner being, allowing our True Self to see the light of day."

    "Very often, we continue, out of habit or fear, to behave in old ways, even though we know that the way of things has changed.  Time and time again, I have found myself at this crucial juncture: having to admit that what was essential is no longer essential and then needing to summon the courage to make the act of living essential again."

    "I know that every time I hear or see the truth but hold to the old way – of being or thinking or relating – I am giving my life over to Nicodemus in me.  And in doing so, I embark on a divided life, in which I listen to the divine inner voice secretly at night, but deny it day after day."

    "But this moment of inner embarrassment, when we catch ourselves in the act of split living, is also the recurring chance for us to honor once again what we know to be true. For anyone, no matter how wounded or distressed, can in a moment of truth let the God within show itself out here in the world.  However small or fleeting, this one repeatable act can restore our common and vital sense of being alive."  Mark Nepo

    This is exactly as I have witnessed myself and others.  I too used to hide from the truth, instead of declare it. I too used to not have the courage to align myself with the voice of truth within me.  Until my truthful life became too big to hide.  My false sense could not create a shield big enough to hide behind.

    What I have experienced since bringing my truth to the light of day, is seeing my old self.  Seeing how others say things to me in 'secret' how they reveal their deeper self, but then are unable to walk with it in the light of day.  I totally feel how that is. 

    Somehow we are more afraid of the truth than living a false life.

    When I began bringing my truth to the light of day, it became a way of being.  In each situation I would be asked to declare or hide.  And I knew that in the past, my hiding from the truth didn't prevent it from hurting me.  For eventually I had to face it…so I declare now, rather than hide.

    I also believe that we are in the midst of a great change, where it will become impossible to live a false life.  That our awareness will increase and you will see the how hopeless it is to pretend.  

    And, that even if you can't display your truth, others in your families will….and in turn take down the closet door, leaving you exposed against your will.

    Each of us know inside of us what the truth is by how afraid we are of being found out.  The higer the fear, the more we have to hide.  

    If only I could impress upon anyone who is living this divided life, the ease and peace you will gain by becoming one…

    It will be hard to extricate your self from the false life you have built, but in the end, you will be standing as one self with nothing to hide.

     

  • Words to My Experience.

    In the past seven years I have doubted and felt awkward with my new sense of awareness, of being able to discern my truth, while others it seemed were most intent on hiding theirs; I was undressing my truth like a stripper.

    Once you have awareness, it doesn't leave you.  You can choose not to use it, but it remains inside of you. You now have a sixth sense about you.  You see and feel deeper, and have a knowing that can't be set aside.

    What I didn't know was how I had it and others appeared not to have it.  How it came to me in the middle of a trauma that shattered my whole world.  How my perceptions seemed so completely off compared to others.  I no longer could fit into my old way of thinking and past relationships.  Something seismic had happened.

    I am reading a book by Gary Zukav, "Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power, and he writes about my experience.

    "This is a book about change, the biggest change possible or imaginable – change bigger than the discovery of fire, bigger than the invention of the wheel, bigger than the origin of cultures, the birth of religions, the rise of nation-states, and the impacts on science. It is bigger than anything that has come before and so big that is not possible to envision what could come after or when."

    "This is a book about possibilities.  Experiences, insights, motivations, and creations beyond our ability to imagine only a few years ago now call to us, beckoning us to new destinations and yet more new possibilities. All is new and fresh, like a blank page awaiting words, a canvas inviting the first brushstroke.  In the past others have glimpsed and sometimes explored, these new possibilities, but now everyone is beginning to see or sense them. We have crossed the threshold and there is no turning back. There is now way to turn back."

    "This book is about power. The old kind of power – the ability to manipulate and control – now produces only violence and destruction. This is a real surprise, because the old power enabled us and our ancestors to survive.  Like good medicine suddenly turned bad, it is now poison.  We used to take it to stay alive.  Now we need to avoid it to stay healthy.  A new kind of power – authentic power – has become the new good medicine, and we need it to become healthy, nurturing and whole."

    "Change, possibilities, and power that we could not have imagined are reshaping the entire human experience.  New values, goals and intentions are everywhere appearing like grass in the spring.  This grass is growing quickly, and where ever it grows beauty appears.  With it comes fields of flowers and vast forests.  A new and surprising world is emerging in new ways and surprising ways.  We are all students in a new school, explorers in new territory, and pioneers in a new human experience."

    "This unprecedented transformation in human experience has two parts.  Process A and Process B.  Process A is happening automatically, so to speak.  No one needs to do anything to make it happen.  Process A is occurring in millions of individuals, and soon Process A will occur in all humans.  Process B is a different story.  It requires Choice.  Specifically, YOU must choose to make Process B happen or it will not happen in you.  Even if others choose to make Process B happen in themselves, Process B will not happin until you choose to make it happen.  In short (1) Process A is happening to everyone, or soon will, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it; (2) Process B is happening only to individuals who choose to make it happen in themselves; no one else can make it happen in them; and they cannot make it happen in anyone else."

    "Let's give process A and Process B names. Process A is the expansion of human perception beyond what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell.  It is a very big deal.  Process A is seeing for yourself that the world is larger than you thought – much larger- and also different than you could have imagined.  Before Process A occurs, your perceptions of the world are confined to what your five senses tell you about it.  After Process A occurs, your five senses continue to tell you about the world and, in addition, you experience more. The "more" is sometimes difficult to describe to individuals who have not yet experienced Process A, but actually millions of individuals have already experienced Process A or are experiencing it and haven't realized it yet."

    "Process A allows you to know things about others that your five senses cannot tell you, for example, that someone is going to call you just before she calls, that your daughter in another city has been in an accident, that your grandparent is passing on, that you should avoid driving until you check the breaks on your car and so on.  In other words, Process A involves intuition in a big way.  Process A also allows you to experience yourself in new ways, for example, as more than your mind and your body. It reveals your life as purposeful like water calls a thirsty man.  Process A allows you to encounter meaning in unexpected ways, for example that everything is perfect or feeling of connection with a stranger. Process A allows you to see from an impersonal perspective. From that perspective, all of your experiences, even the most painful – serve your spiritual development and the spiritual development of those around you.  They provide exactly what you need to develop the strength, compassion, and wisdom to give the gifts that you were born to give."

    "Process A is an expanded awareness that includes not only the perceptual system of the five senses but also a second system that detects intelligence, compassion, and wisdom that are real but not physical.  This system allows you to experience nonphysical reality in many ways including those just mentioned. Process A is multisensory perception.  This is the great transformation in human consciousness that is currently emerging throughout the human species.  Within a few generations, all humans will be multisensory. They will experience not only the domain of space, time and matter, and duality that has been the totality of experience for most humans since the origin of humanity, but also nonphysical domains and dynamics that affect us and that will affect us."

    "This brings us to Process B.  Process B is bringing that new potential that comes with Process A into your life.  Multisensory perception (Process A) changes your perception, but it does not change you.  It shows you things that you could not see before, but it does not make you use your new knowledge.  It illuminates dynamics that you could not see – dynamics that you can apply to change your life and world permanently for the better – but it does not require you to apply them.  It reveals your creative power, but it does not make you create wisely.  On the contrary, you will continue to create as you have in the past until you choose otherwise.  If you are angry, for example, Process A (multisensory perception) will not make you less angry.  It also will not create different consequences for you than acting with anger has created in the past.  People will still avoid you, still be intimidated by you, still refuse to be vulnerable with you, and you will still be isolated, lonely and longing for meaningful relationships, and angry."

    "Process B is experiencing and changing in yourself the interior sources of your painful emotions (such as anger, jealousy, vengefulness and so on), obsessive thoughts (such as judging others or yourself, longing for someone or something to change your life, and so on), compulsive activities (such as workaholism, perfectionism, and so on), and addictive behaviors (such as overeating, smoking, drinking alcohol, using drugs, watching pornography, gambling, and so on).  It is also experiencing and cultivating in yourself the interior sources of your pleasing emotions (such as gratitude, contentment, appreciation, and awe of Life).  In short Process B is creating the fulfilling and joyful life that is calling to you."

    "This takes work, but choosing Process B can produce almost instantaneous results in your life.  In other words, choosing Process B can fundamentally change your life in a very short time. This does not mean that you become a radically different person the first or second time you engage in Process B.  Process B is not that simple or easy.  However, each change that you make in yourself as you engage in Process B is fundamentally transformative. The first change is fundamentally transformative, no matter how small it may appear.  The second change is fundamentally transformative, and so forth.  Process B is incremental.  It happens choice by choice, and each choice that you make moves you in a new direction toward a new and healthy goal – a personality whose experiences are so dramatically different that you cannot always forsee what they will be."

    "Process B requires you to choose words and deeds, moment by moment, that will create joyful and constructive consequences even when painful or violent emotions roar through you. Process B is changing your life with the force of your own will, guided by your own awareness, with intentions that you consciously choose, assisted by the compassion and wisdom of the Universe experienced in personal and meaningful ways.  This transformation is more than change toward a better or more healthy life.  It is transformation toward the highest, most noble, healthy, and grounded part of you.  That is your soul."

    "In other words, Process B is finding and changing all the parts of your personality that do not intend what your soul intends, and finding and cultivating all the parts of your personality that do intend what your soul intends. Your soul intends harmony, cooperation, sharing and reverence for Life.  Each time you create with one of these intentions, you create authentic power – a life of meaning and fulfillment, gratitude, vitality, creativity, and joy.  Process B is creating authentic power."

    "Without Process A (mulitsensory perception) happening to everyone, Process B (creating authentic power) would not be possible for anyone.  Process B is aligning your personality with your soul, but your five sense cannot detect your soul.  The sou is an interesting idea to some five-sensory individuals, but it is not experientially meaningful to any of them.  Now millions of individuals are experiencing multisensory perception (Process A), and they are changing their lives because of it (Process B).  You are experiencing multisensory perception or you would not find this book interesting or valuable.  The ideas in it have no appeal to intellects that are informed by the five senses alone, but they call to all hearts that are informed by multisensory perception.  Multisensory perception and authentic power are the two defining characters of the transformation in human consciousness that is now under way.  The first emerges without effort, affects all perception, and reveals new dimensions of experience.  The second awaits your commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communication and actions to bring it into your life. The first is a wondrous gift from the Universe.  You must create the second.  Multisensory perception does not impair your choice. Multisensory individuals are as free to pursue external power (the old kind of power) as they are to create authentic power, but the choice to pursue external power now leads only to violence and destruction between individuals (at the least), and physical violence and destruction between religions, cultures, and nations. There are no redeeming benefits to the choice of external power. There are no benefits to it at all."

    "Five sensory humans evolve by surviving.  Multisensory humans evolve by growing spiritually. This dramatic difference requires dramatically different relationships."

    "The new type of relationship for multisensory humans who are evolving through creating authentic power is spiritual partnership.  A spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.  It attracts multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as much as old-type relationships attracted five-sensory humans who were pursuing external power.  The purpose, nature, and function of spiritual partnerships are different.  The dynamics of spiritual partnerships and the experience that spiritual partnerships cocreate are different.  This new type of relationship is as inseparable from emerging multisensory humans who are creating authentic power as old-type relationships were from five-sensory humans who pursued external power."

    "Creating authentic power requires relationships of substance and depth.  You cannot grow spiritually until you have the courage to enter into meaningful and significant relationships.  In other words, spiritual partnerships are a necessary part of Process B. Every encounter provides you an opportunity to create authentic power, but when your encounters include others who are also using their experiences to create authentic power, the potential for a spiritual partnership comes into being. Potential spiritual partners recognize the commitment, courage, compassion, and conscious communications and actions of one another. They naturally strive to support one another in creating authentic power and to receive the support of one another in creating authentic power.  They journey toward the same goal, recognize fellow travelers, and learn from one another.  Evolution now requires you to create a fulfilling and joyful life – to give the gifts that you were born to give – and spiritual partnerships bring you into cocreative interactions with others who are doing the same."  Gary Zukav

    I now can tell those who are going through the changes and those who are not.  I feel great comfort in reading this, for it puts words to my experience.

     

     

  • Seek to Become more Aware.

    Jason Torola put it so clearly, "

    Beth, You'll get the last word. You always do. But know this; I've seen what you wrote. I've seen what you tried to do.

    A wise man told me, "You can fool the fans, but you can't fool the players." Beth, we are all players here.

    I don't have to get the last word, but people usually stop talking and I can't make them talk, so is it really my problem that I get left in silence?  

    His reference to what I wrote isn't something I feel would be beneficial to post on my blog…it isn't my journey…I myself have no problems with airing it…but it isn't mine to air.

    And he is very correct in stating "We are all Players here."

    Yes we are. And how you play the game will define your integrity and your authenticity.  And I love that there are no fans to fool.  For you truly are not fooling anyone…you only look foolish.

    I know what my intentions are and how I personally play the game and furthermore, who I like to play with.

    I am not interested in the struggle of convincing someone to do or say or be a certain way.  I used to.  I mothered that way.  I gave it up five years ago…and in its place granted freedom to all who have a relationship with me.

    You Jason get to be Jason…please do and say and be exactly as you feel.  I truly would not want you any other way. The same goes for the rest of your family and each person and family in the church and out.  

    I have no desire to change a hair on your head.  However, IF it is YOUR desire to change and want a cheerleader, I will cheer you on as you play this new game.

    But, if you want to continue in the old system of seeking power and control…we part ways.  I don't play there anymore.  And I will not tell you you can't play there.  Play away.  Demand, rage and work to bend and control OR give up your power and people please and play that way…either way it is a game I no longer play.

    It is my goal, my intention to completely take myself out of that old game. Certainly there will be times when I slip and fall and veer off course and find the old me wanting to control, or feeling above others by making them feel less…but it doesn't feel good inside of me no more.  I have lost the taste for that old game.

    It has taken a great deal of work to get out of that game and its cost to my life were way too much…If and when I find myself playing that old game, I quickly work to exit out.

    Jason I was a very forceful player in the old system….and I can certainly see how you can see me that way.  But in the past 7 years I have been feverishly working to remove all desire to play that way.

    I am making choices that are the opposite of how I used to live life. I was completely exhausted and totally without a clue as to how to change and control so much dysfunction….I walked out.

    I gave up control and found freedom.

    I concentrated on my self.

    I began to save only me.

    To control only me.

    To play only for me.

    And it worked like magic…I became a player that no longer needs to find its power by controlling other people.  My power is gotten by being free.

    I truly, truly wish for you and all…the experience of being free.  It was not then or is now my intention to break up families. It would be my greatest joy to see one family make it through this journey intact.

    It wasn't to be that way for me.  It is not now or ever a walk I want for one other soul…but It isn't up to me.  Remember Jason, we are all players…and what we put out comes back into our lives.

    Play well…there is no fooling the fans.  We are aware of the truth, whether we show it or not…it is there.  Each of us will have the choice to follow our awareness or to sit this round out….but awareness is yours to pick up…or yours to ignore.  

    Awareness is the Gift I have discovered…placed there for when you get tired of being in the old game.  It is automatic, you don't have to be cute enough, good enough or wise enough….it is just there.

    It is there waiting for you to glance its way…to begin to see life in a whole new way.  You lose the fight and seek to become more aware.

      IMG_3376

    This is a quilt I titled, "Awareness"  my daughter owns it.  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  • Uncomfortable to Face

    There is a one two punch in following your feelings.  The blow that you were right when you actually wanted to be proved wrong and secondly that your inner compass is spot on. 

    What people fail to appreciate is that I am not creating the truth that affirms me, they are acting on their own, by their own volition.  

    I am not putting words in mouths or fingers to keyboard, I am not manipulating them or their blog posts or the conditions of their blogs. They are doing this on their own free will.  

    I simply observe and respond.

    My brother's blog, http://www.messyguru.typepad.com received a comment from Jim Torola that succinctly shows why I had to back away.  The character assignation he delivered to my brother has no proof in reality. None.  

    I am not defending my brother, he does this well enough on his own, but I want the record to show if you will, that my actions were validated.

    I can't know why Jim wrote what he wrote or where these ideas came from.  All I can know, is that they don't ring true for me.  He wasn't writing about the brother that I know.

    Walking hand in hand with reality is often painful when you want a different outcome.  But, I have learned that regardless of my wishes, reality marches on.

    It seems one blog has erased all the past posts, but the last one. 

    Are we as good as our last word?  Can you live without a past?  Can you simply erase it like blog posts?  Can you leave out the dark parts and focus up ahead?  Is it possible to live life like you were born today?

    My history is precious, each morsel and drop. Each ugly stain and scuff…is my journey. There is no word I would erase, no part I would remove, no person I would not have met, no lesson I would have missed.

    Each and every thing I have said and done is me being me.  Certainly there are places and very long stretches of me acting unconsciously…of presenting the perfect rendition of a person who is brainwashed.  A confused lost abused person. I did that well.

    I even did a great presentation of exiting out of a dysfunctional family while being dysfunctional.  I was and am viewed as mental and crazy…certainly that can apply. 

    I no longer fit into what they call 'normal' and 'family'.  I stand out, thankfully so.  I no longer mesh with their mentalness.

    But, erase a part or forget a moment, or live like I had no past….never.  My past is what I had to overcome to become who I am today.  

    It was like all aspects of myself were taken away and I was set upon scavenger hunt to get them back.  Finding a piece of my self here and there, a part of me lost in this belief and that desire.

    If I had left my past behind and set out to form a completely new me, I would have left my soul behind.  I would have skipped the hunt to find the real me.

    It would have been leaving one nightmare to build a fantasy…a very similar tactic that an abused child uses.  It wipes out the harsh reality and goes on to create a fantastical blog of kindness…while reality marches on.

    This is exactly what I did as a child.  My reality was too unkind, so I created a nice looking happy place for me to go to, not looking or recording the dark history…

    And sadly, while I was busy in my new happy space, a pedophile was busy molesting little girls. 

    I no longer try to escape to a fantasy land and instead turn and head into that which is uncomfortable to face.

    IMG_4657
    Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

     

     

     

     

     

  • My Truth Against Me

    The battle of the Blogs continue…and I wonder what its real agenda is?  What is the real meat of the discontentment and why does it really matter who writes what or if at all.  

    What I have found upon writing period, whether it be on a blog or not, is that if you write long enough, the truth will emerge…like magic.  If you want to know the answers, writing it out seems to straighten out the mind, so you can find a trail.

    In my pursuit of my own truth writing was and is my greatest tool.

    I write to understand me.  

    In writing I have learned a huge amount about me.  It has been a conversation between me and myself and I have shared this by putting it out in blog form.

    Due my history which I can't escape from, I write from the viewpoint of my history.  I am a woman who was raised in a very strict religion and was raped by my father. 

    The affects of having grown up in that environment changed who I was…it altered me, tilted me, put me on an awkward slant.  It had me seeing the world as a woman with a mental disease.

    Where abuse was a 'normal' life.

    My writings have been to right me.

    To untilt my beliefs.

    To see what abuse touched and to straighten out my mind.

    I write to see clearly, that which I am not able to see.

    I have learned what the affects have done to me and what I passed on to my children.

    I have learned how I left abuse…how I operated with my life due to this backwards start.  

    My blog is a public document of my private struggle.

    Having lived for 46 year so disingenuously, my razor sharp focus now is to be impeccable with my word and to follow them with actions of the same.  I aim to walk my talk.

    I know the cost of not facing my truth…so it is my intent to now live my truth as I know it.  And along the way point out things that I feel are off for me.  

    When they are off or don't seem quite right….I move away.  In the past, I may have stayed out of fear of reprisals, but not any more. Fear doesn't keep me frozen unable to change as life dictates.

    I love that I am free to support a blog and then free to change my mind. I love that others are free to read and then free not to read.  I love that they are free to agree or not agree.  Free to comment or not.  

    Blogging is indeed another vehicle of communication…what you say when you speak is up to you.  If you want to communicate with certain blogs, again up to you.  Or if you want to silently ride along, that too is up to you.  

    My blog tends to push buttons, for it is delving into sacred grounds that are typically unchallenged and usually not aired out in public. I am putting myself out there for anyone to take potshots and they do. I am shining lights upon subjects, people and beliefs that some fear to have disclosed.  I totally understand that I am breaking the unwritten rules.

    I am not being passive and apathetic or pleasing to get along…I am willing to share my life experiences, coming from whence I came….and talking about the two very influential life changing forces…Abuse and Religion… Two hot button subjects.

    I make no apologies…or step softly around items that I know will explode if I dare oppose. I step anyway.  

    Abuse thrives due to walking quietly around it, by whispering instead of putting it out where all can see.

    I have been convicted in the family court for knowing and saying nothing….I will not make that same mistake again.  If I know, If I feel, If I suspect….I will share.

    Tom Rosemergy is the first person I tell when I hear a new name.

    When I discover a new truth, it usually arrives on the blog.  This has been my vehicle to be an open book to read…for in the past, I was way too silent.

    In the past my silence was a vehicle that abuse used.

    Again, there are very few blogs about abuse within the FALC, or ex-members talking candid about their experiences, it isn't always easy to discern the value each blog has.

    My blog will not be of value to those who are in support of the church. My blog will not be of value for those who are not victims of abuse. My blog will not be of value for those who want to remain in toxic relationships. 

    Certainly there will be voyeurs into my life, who then go on and use it to disparage me…who will turn it with their own minds.  I can't control how other people see me.  

    What I have found is that when I am comfortable with my truth, you can't use my truth against me.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Happy Valentine’s Day

    I started Happy Valentine's Day with a yoga class for me.  I met myself in the mirror and while doing the postures, felt great warmth for my body. For all its been through and for seeing that it has been showing me all along what my mind thinks and where my priorities are.  It relentlessly reveals my truths to me.

    It truly has been my greatest friend accurrately showing me how I view life.  It doesn't lie.

    It has been my faithful companion on this journey, recording events which the mind could not hold, carrying out orders of a confused mind, and using pain to gain my attention.

    And mostly been the brunt of my disdain…me blaming it, while it is really blameless and I am the one who leads.

    I decide either knowingly or unconsciously to neglect or care for it.

    I can either decide to feel my truths or let them slide by 'unnoticed'.

    I am the one that brought it into situations where it felt uncomfortable, I ignored its clear signals.  I wanted to be liked and accepted more by others than my own body.  I would reject it to serve another's happiness.

    I used to see myself a victim of my body…when in fact I was the perpetrator of all its ills.  There is no one to blame for my inner relationship or that lack thereof with my body.

    I have been learning what love means between me and me.

    To love myself enough to speak up knowing that it isn't popular.

    I love myself enough to recognize the signals of my body.

    I love myself enough to care for my body…to question my mind, to seek my truth, to boldly do that which I am moved to do, uncaring how the opinions of others change about me. 

    My respect for my self matters more.

    Wayne Dyer speaks of "being beyond the good opinion of others"…Loving your self brings you there.  And it is what I feel is meant by, "If I gained the world, but lost my spirit…"

    On Valentine's Day I remain faithful to the first one I must love, in order to love another, ME.

    Happy Valentine's Day.