I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • True Being.

    I loved this talk.  He opens us all, inviting us into the complex experiences of those who appear different.  Their challenges are really ours to accept.

    Brilliant and articulate!

    My upbringing within a cult-like religion, who cast aside anyone who was of a different faith, schooled me for sameness.  

    And, how sameness equaled special, saved, better than.

    It made me one of the worst kinds in humanity, where difference was not allowed.

    When I too was cast aside for my abuse or my speaking of it, or for my seeing the churches hand in blessing it; allowed me to live as "different". 

    Being Different has made me accepting.

    While I would not want to re-live the past again, I would give nothing for my journey today.  

    What I know for certain, It isn't the "Different" among us who are creating a negative world, but those who can't see them in their true being. 

     

  • Step Nine.

    Step Nine – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

    "As we stand there with our Eighth Step list, we are astonished by a perspective we never imagined possible. We have finally gotten above it all with clarity. We can see that our parent’s dysfunction was not our fault. On the horizon, we see the preceding generations of our family lined up in single file, stretching back for miles. There must be 100 generations or more. At the front of the line, we see our parents as children with their parents. We recognize our grandparents, but visualizing our parents as vulnerable children is a new experience for us."

    "We notice the generations of our family passing forward a bundle. They move the bundle along by handing it off from one generation to the next. We watch as the bundle moves closer to our grandparents and to our parents. The bundle is heavy and gripped tightly as one generation hands it off to the next. The bundle is held at the stomach level as it is passed forward. We concentrate on the bundle and begin to recognize it. Our eyesight has been improved by our Step work. We can see more clearly. We see our grandparents kneel down to give the bundle to our parents. As our parents receive the bundle as children, we understand what they have taken possession of. It is shame, abandonment, and loss from the ages. We think about what we have seen. We realize we don’t have to take possession of the bundle. It is not ours. We are free. We look behind us, over a shoulder, to a clear horizon. There are no families there yet. We realize we have a chance to interrupt the passing on of family dysfunction."

    This visual is so perfect in seeing how our legacy of abuse was passed on, how the children are given the responsibility to carry on in silence, to take it and hold it OR to let it go.

    In letting it go, I broke with the tradition within my family.  I am the odd one out.

    I know many will try and claim they have admitted the abuse exists, but it isn't enough.  You literally have to act different.  Make changes in stopping the flow of dysfunctional choices.

    The book goes on…

    "Children do not always need all the details about our abuse and neglect. They have lived it and need a demonstration of changed behavior more than psychological or wordy explanations."   

    This is so powerful.  We need to see demonstrations of change, by actions. I will know others by how they act much more than what they say.  

    My actions are clearly visible and felt. They need no commentary.

    The book also talks about hurting others when making amends.

    "In making amends, we avoid bringing harm to another person by disclosing something that might be unnecessary and off the mark."

    "For instance, if we are making amends to an ex-wife, we need not bring up the infidelity we might have had with her sister. To do so serves no purpose in the moment. We need to admit our cheating to our sponsor or counselor and know in our hearts that the behavior was wrong.  We change such behavior in the future and stay out of the lives or our ex-wife and her sister."

    They go on and list lots of behavior that was hurtful to themselves and others.  And, as I look at the lists, I am grateful that I am not on them.  

    However, I am on the list of being silent and complicit. I didn't speak my feelings and I wasn't honest with myself and others in that regard.  I went along to get along.  I was a silent partner in the crimes of dysfunction.

    To make amends…(I have to go and look up the word "Amends"….reparation or compensation.)

    Now, "Reparation" - the making of amends for a wrong one has done, by paying money to or otherwise helping those who have been wronged.

    In the light of what this is calling for us to do, how can I repay my silence?  How can I help those I wronged and who did I wrong?

    I believe that my silence hurt the girls who followed me.  I believe that my silence hurt my own little girl (Inner Child).  I believe that I am making amends each time I speak out, write on this blog, share what I know and have learned about.

    At first glance I thought I would have to make amends to my parents…but I did not wrong them. I did not act out or retaliate.  I complied.  Until I didn't.

    Perhaps some may feel that I now need to make amends for my outspokenness or for putting up boundaries etc.  But my amends, I feel are to those I hurt.

    I hurt so many by being disloyal to my feelings and for keeping silent about my fear of my father.  I hurt many by going along against my feelings.  

    I believe, since it was very hard for me to do, that my change needed to be the opposite of what I had done that harmed others.  Being silent about things I should not have been silent about.

    The Spiritual Principles in Step Nine are "Forgiveness and Courage".  I believe that I have understood this principle and have walked it.  

    I have broken my silent and am no longer complicit.  We are the half of dyfunction that allows perpetrators and those who are doing wrong to continue. We are the silent watchers….those who allow negative behavior to continue, in order to be 'loved'.  We silently carry the bundle…for we know, if we drop it, we will be shuned and distanced.  The bundle we carry is the wrong behavior of others.  It isn't ours to carry.  In doing so, we are pretending all is well and that the evil, which we are holding, doesn't exit in another.  I carried my father's dysfunction. 

     

     

  • Let Him In

    "Step Three – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God."

    Let Go. Let God.

     "We do not believe our brains are missing any elements. We start with the premise that we are whole and that we had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation of being raised in a dysfunctional home.  Our normal reaction to protect ourselves has created survival traits, compulsions, and self-harming behaviors, which respond to the ACA Steps and spiritual remedies.  We are not minimizing the severity of our situation as adult children. The disease of family dysfunction manifests itself in dependency, addiction, and dissociative personalities. The disease can kill.  Every day, adult children commit suicide, die in addiction, or die one day at a time in silent isolation, thinking they are hopeless.  In ACA, we believe we were born whole and became fragmented in body, mind, and spirit through abandonment and shame. We need help finding a way to return to our miracle state."

     "In addition to a deep sense of shame and abandonment, we believe that most of our emotional and mental distress can be traced to our steadfast nature to control.  In ACA, we realize that control was the survival trait that kept us safe or alive in our dysfunctional homes.  We controlled our thoughts, our voices, and many times our posture to escape detection from an abusive parent or care giver. We knew our parents were looking for imaginary clues to criticize us or verbally attack us. As adults we continue to control ourselves and our relationships in an unhealthy manner.  This brings abandonment or predictable turmoil. We make promises to do better but eventually return to our obsessive need to compulsively arrange, question, worry, dust, wash, lock, unlock, read, or hyper vigilantly survey our thoughts and actions to feel safe. But it is never enough. Experience shows there is little hope and spirituality in homes governed by smothering control."

     "By making a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand God, we are actually making two decisions. By deciding to ask a Higher Power for guidance in Step Three, we are also deciding to back away from control.  We are surrendering our plans to run our own lives on self-will.  We are asking God for help, which strikes at the heart of our instinctual reaction to solve problems on our own."

     "The decision we make in Step Three represents on of our first true choices."

     Further on it is written….

     "While we realize God's love in Step Three, we acknowledge that many adult children have been spiritually abused and struggle with the concept of God in addition to the struggle with control.  The emotional and spiritual damage created by such acts of betrayal are staggering for some.  We urge these ACA members to keep an open mind and to be gentle with themselves as they work the ACA steps to find a God of their understanding. We believe our best hope is seeking a spiritual solution in concert with other recovering adult children."

     "Other forms of spiritual abuse include the adults in our lives appearing righteous in public while hateful and abusive behind closed doors. This is yet another conflicting view of God in which the child is confused and believes this to be the face of God…" ACA

     Third Step Prayer

     God.  I am willing to surrender my fears and to place my will and my life in your care one day at a time. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change. Help me to remember that I can ask for help.  I am not alone. Amen.

     Step Three Spiritual Principles:  Willingness and Accepting Help

    I could quote the whole section…for I understand and agree with what is written, in not only what happened, but how we responded and then how we now have unlearn and let go.

     What strikes at my core is the process of learning to trust a higher power that is over you. When our elders failed us so miserably and how we learned self care and protection in order to survive.  

     To learn or dare to lay down our survival skills and open ourselves up to being hurt AND in handing over our lives once again to someone to control.

     It matters not if it is God or the Universe….it is the act of being vulnerable and trusting once again….our willingness to be hurt.

    To break open our heart and let Him in.

     

  • Me from Them

    O Magazine asks 20 questions you should ask yourself…beginning with "Do I examine my life enough?"

    What a great start!  How often to you ask yourself questions about what you are doing and why?  How often are you willing to hear an honest answer AND then react according to your new trth?

    Under the first question is written….

    "Have we established that questions are marvelous, momentous things? If so, can we agree that asking ourselves, the right ones can have life-altering effects? Because have you ever noticed how questions prevent us from settling for less than what we deserve? That asking ourselves Could it be better? is a great way to make things, well a whole lot better? That a bunch of our breakthroughs, triumphs and joys occurred when we asked a few big, bold, paradigm-shifting questions?  Don't we owe it to ourselves – don't we deserve – to live an examined life? Can it be said that asking questions is what keeps us honest, drives us to aim higher – and is the very thing that makes us human?"

    "In a word? Yes.  No question about it."  Katie Arnold-Ratliff

    The first thing that struck me was that questions were marvelous, momentous things…that when we have been taught NOT to question, we see questioning as bad.  

    To question the behavior of a religion and its beliefs was deemed unfaithful.

    To question the way we were raised, unkind.

    Questions and being curious were made to be bad and so we stopped looking at things or digging into the source or tearing apart stuff to see what was there.  Just as we stopped questioning WHY we did what we did. 

    We don't ask…but rather go along to get along.

    How can we get back the freedom to ask questions of our selves as well as others and not be afraid of the answers?

    I love that questions keep us honest. That if you don't even sit with a choice and answer honestly to each decision as it comes along, you are living an unexamined life.

    I know for my first 46 years I lived an unexamined, unquestioned life.  I didn't ask…and I didn't even know what to ask of my self.  I was literally part of a whole. Where the whole went, I went.

    Especially according to family and church and even my husband.

    I literally never examined MY choice.  What my preferences were, my feelings or even understood that I was allowed to have one that was in direct competion with those around me.  I was an unquestioning good person who rarely made waves…or challenged decisions.

    I may not have liked all the choices that were being made, and suffered along silently, but I never even contemplated revolting…or to wage a rebellion against my family and church.  

    Not only did I not question them, I never even glanced my way with questions. Ever.

    I literally did not have the base of me…no foundation that was separated from the pack…no space to question or be me.

    Which is why when my father was exposed as a pedophile, my whole self crashed.  There was no part of me that stood alone outside of that, until that moment. When my whole life was a lie, I had to examine all things to find me…where I had lied to myself.

    In order to reclaim me, I had to answer each question honestly. To find myself I had to answer a million questions that I had overlooked, or was too afraid to ask.

    We don't ask, for we don't want to know the truth…

    When you want to know the truth, you will ask the tough questions…not so much of others, but of yourself.  

    When you don't have a self, it is hard to ask the questions…of you.

    It was terrifying to know I had no separate self and quite thrilling to watch her grow.

    Question by Answer by question…I grew.

    Separating me from them.

     

     

     

  • Is Not Love.

    Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction… and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action…of self awareness…self responsibility and self love. 

    Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

    So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

    What I would say to you all "kind" folks…does it work?

    If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

    If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

    How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

    Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

    And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

    They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

    This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

    Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

    When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

    In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

    And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth….than kindness is to lie.

    To pretend is kind.

    To deny is kind.

    Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

    Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

    In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

    Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

    And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks…they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

    Out of kindness you all look away.

    Love to me is truth.

    Love without truth is not love.

     

     

     

     

  • How Many Children Will it Take?

    More from the book, "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families".

    "Denial is the glue that holds together a dysfunctional home.  Family secrets, ignored feelings, and predictable chaos are part of a dysfunctional family system. The system allows abuse or other unhealthy behaviors to be tolerated at harmful levels. Through repetition, the abuse is considered normal by those in the family.  Because the dysfunction seemed normal or tolerable, the adult child can deny that anything unpleasant happened in childhood. At the same time, there are many adult children who can recount the horrors of their dysfunctional upbringing in great detail. Yet, many do so without feeling or without connecting the deep sense of loss that each event brought. This is a denial of feelings identified in Trait 10 of The Laundry List (Problem)."

    "These forms of denial allow the adult child to sanitize the family story when talking about the growing up years. Denial can also lead us to believe that we have escaped our family dysfunction when we carried it into adulthood. Step One of the Twelve Steps states taht we are "powerless over the effects" of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The Step calls us to admit that our behavior today is grounded in the events that occurred in childhood. Much of that behavior mirrors the actions and thoughts of the dysfunctional parents, grandparents, or caregivers. Once we come out of denial, we realize we have internalized our parents' behavior. We have internalized their perfectionism, control, dishonesty, self-righteousness, rage, pessimism, and judgmentalness. Whatever the pattern might be, we realize we have internalized our parents.  Their behavior and thinking are our behavior and thinking if we are honest about our lives."

    "It is important to note that we have taken in or internalized both parents. This includes the parent who appears more functional compared to the alcoholic or chemically addicted parent. Our experience shows that the "functional" or nonalcoholic parent passes on just as many traits as the identified alcoholic. This "para-alcoholic" parent also passes on his or her pattern of inside "drugging" as well.  The para-alcoholic (the codependent) is driven by fear, excitement, and pain from the inside. The biochemical surge and cascade of inner "drugs" that accompany these states of distress in this parent can impact children as profoundly as outside substances. Our experience shows that the nondrinking parent's reaction to these inside drugs affects children just as the alcoholic's drinking affects them. We realize this seems technical, but it is important to understand if we are to comprehend the reach of a dysfunctional upbringing. As children, we are affected by the alcoholic drinking from without and by the para-alcoholic drugs from within. We believe that the long-term effects of fear transferred to us by a nonalcoholic parent can match the damaging effects of alcohol. this is why many of us can temporarily abstain from other addictive behaviors after growing up, but be driven by the inner drugs that can bring difficulties as we attempt to recover. Our para-alcoholism of fear and distorted thinking seems to drive our switching from one addictive behavior to another as we try to make changes in our lives."

    "Another way to think about how we acquired para-alcoholism as children is like this. The alcoholic can be removed from the family by divorce or separation, but nothing in the home really changes. The alcohol abuse or other dysfunction is gone, but the home remains fearful and controlling. Boundaries are unclear. The children don't talk about feelings. They either become enmeshed with the non-drinking parent or alienated from him or her.The rules of "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" apply even with the alcohol or other dysfunction removed. The inside drugs of the para-alcoholic are at work, affecting the children. The nondrinking parent's fear, excitement, and pain are affecting the children and are transferred to the children. This is the internalizaton of the parent's feelings and behavior in one of its purest forms."

    "Many adult children express anger at the nonalcoholic parent for not protecting them or not removing them from the dysfunctional situation. We felt abandoned watching this parent remain absorbed by the alcoholic's behavior. Ironically, many of us hold more resentment toward the nondrinking parent than the alcoholic parent."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim and self-hate. We learn rage, pettiness, and passive-aggressive thinking. From this parent, we learn to doubt our reality as children. Many times we have gone to our nonalcoholic parent and expressed our feelings of fear or shame. Many times this parent has dismissed our feelings. We have been called selfish or too sensitive when objecting to our drinking parent's behavior. In some cases, this parent defended or excused the alcoholics behavior."

    "The damage that some nonalcoholic parents can do through inaction or by failing to remove the children from the dysfunctional home boggles the mind. Some of these parents have ignored sexual abuse within their homes. In some cases, a child has been accused of being dishonest when the child tried to tell the nondrinking parent about the sexual abuse he or she was facing. This is difficult to think about or to accept, but for many of us it is true."

    "From the nonalcoholic parent, we learned to accept abusive or neglectful behavior as a natural part of life. For example, during an argument, some of us left or fled the home with the nonalcoholic parent only to return in a few days as if nothing had happened. From this behavior, we got the message that it was normal to push aside our fear and return to our abusive or shaming parent. As a result, we can have great difficulty  walking away from un-fulfilling relationships as adults. We know in our minds that we should leave, but it "feels" normal to stay. These are just a few examples of being infected by the disease of family dysfunction."

    "In the interest of fairness, we must realize that our parents passed on what was done to them. They are adult children as well. We are not blaming them for being powerless over the effects of family dysfunction. In most cases, the treatment that they handed out is the treatment they received growing up. Our parents internalized their parents. This has to be true if we are to believe that family dysfunction is passed down from one generation to the next."  Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Familes.

    Each time I read the word "alcoholic" I could exchange this for Sexual Abuser  and the para-alcoholic can be exchanged for para-sexual abuser.

    This book is incredibly affirming to what I have experienced in myself.

    I had to see where the pattern started, see it in me and then change it…by doing life different.

    What I love is that it shows the change, the cycle…and that the glue that keeps the cycle going IS denial.

    You can't just blame the abuser/alcoholic, you have to bring in the non-abusing parent and see the added dimensions of effects that you have internalized…to see the complete composite of who you are.

    It is wildly fascinating and extremely frustrating to show this pattern to my family and for them to deny it…

    They deny it for that is what dysfunctional families do. They are only following the pattern of their parents…

    It goes on to say.

    "A few of our parents have been lost to alcoholic insanity or dementia. They have been depraved and pitiful or unapproachable and scary. The alcoholic is powerless over alcohol and has an obsession of the mind to drink or take drugs. The para-alcoholic suffers from a similar condition, yet it is difficult to see since it is on the inside. In essence the alcoholic and the para-alcololic are the same personality driven by near identical fear, but one drinks and one does not."

    "This is where we got confused as children. We thought we were the drinker's problem or some part of it. From the alcoholic behavior, we assumed that we were no good, unseen, hated, ignored, used or attacked by the alcoholic because there was something wrong with us. From the para-alcoholic's behavior we assumed we were less important than the drinking. We deduced that we were the problem when in reality the disease of alcoholism was the problem. We take this mistaken belief into adulthood. We can continue to act out our childhood role with our alcoholic parent or someone else. Some of us can remain stuck and feel responsible for our parents on some level. We can act out our role with the nonalcoholic parent as well. If there was dysfunction in the home without alcoholism, we can have the same misperception. We can act out a dysfunctional role with our parents or another person."

    "Many of us are adults who have not admitted that our parents are alcoholic or that there was dysfunction in the home. Until we do so, we can still feel trapped by our family. We can remain confused about the extent to which we interalized our parents' behavior. We still get pulled into family crisis or arguments that lead nowhere. We accept family abuse and neglect, believing we have no choice." Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional Families.

    While many would like to believe that I have lost my mind and I am damaging the family, they fail to see the pattern they are caught in.

    What a tight web this dysfunction weaves and how incredible the force that holds them together.  It isn't love, it's fear…the inner drug of choice…or the outer drug of abuse.

    This is the blueprint or the written pattern of how dysfunction looks and works…how it literally infects one generation to the next.

    How its strength is the fact that each generation is operating dysfunctionally and calling it normal.  How they are unable to see that denial is what is holding them together NOT love.

    How maddening it is to watch dysfunctional behavior infecting the innocent children…the seeminly unstoppable spreading or stealing of love, peace and joy from the lives of little ones….as they too experience neglect, abandoment…and feelings of no mattering enough.

    What will it take to wake them up?  What crisis will snap them out of denial? How many children will it take?

     

  • Get this book

    I received a message on Facebook suggesting a book titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families….in that I would find lots familiar.  Wow, is there ever.

    I am sure there will much I find helpful in sharing!

    Here is a sample…

    "People of all ages are so afraid of betraying their parents.  Speaking your truth, owning your reality is not an act of betrayal with your parents. There is a betrayal, but the betrayal is with the disease, the disorder, the dysfunction. To not own your reality or to not speak your truth is the ulitmate act of betrayal to yourself."

    "When you are speaking about what happened you are owning your losses; you are letting go of the minimizing, rationalizing, and denial.  It is part of rectifying your past. It means you are no longer carrying the baggage that comes with denial. At times adult children have been criticized for blaming their parents. The principles of ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families) are not about blame. They are about owning your truth, grieving your losses, and being accountable today for how you live your life."  

    "There are two other primary resistances to this recovery process as well.  People want recovery, but they prefer it be pain free. That is understandable, but unfortunately, identifying and feeling our feelings is part of healing.  People are afraid they are too fragile and will fall apart.  Where there is loss there will be tears; where there is loss there will be anger. but feelings are cues and signals to tell you what you need. It is the repression or distorted expression of them that gets people sick or into personal difficulty.  This program will help you learn to tolerate your feelings without hurting yourself or another.  I have been asked many times, does the pain ever go away? I believe the answer is yes."

    "Another resistance is people want to heal and live in the present, but they prefer to do it alone. This is often based on rigid self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is valued in our culture. The rigidity of self-sufficiency is based on mistrust in others and the fear of letting go of control. When you allow others to be part of your path, that is when it is possible to meet the resistance of fear of feelings. Others will shine the light and offer the hope that we deserve. As adult children we have lived a life of isolation for too long. Recovery is about connection."  ACA

    Now, can you see what this is a book that I would stand by….and I am only in it 2% according to the Kindle.  

    For all those who want to blame me for blaming our parents or for not getting me, I say get this book.

  • Shattered In My Mind.

    Yesterday the image of a darkened closet where we are talking and sharing but no one knows your name….and the outside where we see each other but rarely share our truths…stayed with me.

    The juxtaposition of never being with your truth and your face at the same time, let alone be with it with someone else…and ESPECIALLY with those you love.

    We somehow believe that our truths will not be embraced.

    And, we have learned this in our home environment growing up.  Especially where one parent was abusing and the other looking away.  We are left to pretend in the light of day, we are okay and nothing is wrong.  And we keep our truth hidden, silent and feel its shame.

    What I have been able to re-experience, is this phenomena.

    Except, I refuse to go back into the closet or to hide my face or not say my name.

    The filming for the documentary has solidified the wrongness of anonymous…for it mirrors abuse and perpetrates its shame.

    What is so odd is that those whose lives are lived half in the closet are not hidden at all.  For their behaviors and actions are clearly speaking out shame.

    We only think we can hide our truths, but our truths keep showing…in how we present ourselves, what we will share or not share, what we are comfortable with and what we are not…who we support and who we steer away from. What we call kind and love and what we think it is.

    There was no part of my life that abuse didn't touch. No part that wasn't spared.  Even in my quilts, my abuse was showing….

    The religion my mother chose supported her 'forgive and forget' life style, where you don't have to deal with abuse; but bless it away and get on with living.

    What I know, is that the truth isn't hidden, it isn't in the closet away from reality.  There is no place the truth can hide.  It is always showing. We for many reasons, refuse to see it and embrace it and live with its contents.

    Someone asked me last night as I was recounting my experience with being filmed and the talk of the church came in and or family and it was asked, if they believe it happened?

    I do believe they do believe IT happened.

    That Ray Huhta is a pedophile. But, what is so curious is how they continued to live like he had not shown this truth. Like IT didn't happen.  

    I did start to respond, "how so many didn't believe it…" But, what I know, is that they did not respond to it…for reasons unknown or known.

    To fully accept it, means your world will flip completely upside down.  Few chose this route. 

    What makes me appear mental, is I allowed my life to flip.  I flipped out.  I could no longer be separated from my truth…I was dying and I didn't even know it. Dying as the girl who would hide her feelings and her emotions…cramming them in this very tight space; away from reality.

    Perhaps the closet exploded…

    The closet doors were shattered in my mind.

     

  • When he speaks his truth.

    The internet has given us all opportunities we would not otherwise have, to reconnect and to connect…and I am part of groups within the Facebook community.  Some are for Art, some for books and one group is for those of us who have left the church…any branch of the cult like religion we were raised in…and we can offer our experiences. 

    This group is connected with a blog Extoots, whose owner remains anonymous…and so are most of the respondents who comment on the postings….they go by aliases; fake names in order to speak their truth.  I always signed my name, my real name and was fully exposed.

    Today, I left the Facebook group…for on the post about my episode with Call Me Mental, the article of my father, 'exposed' the name of the reporter…a church member or ex-member Brad Salmen…and someone connected him with his fake name.  

    Like someone had opened the door and a face was exposed, the post was then deleted…discussion ensued and blah blah blah.  

    I had never liked talking to faceless people or to be told the truth, but without a face attached.  It just never felt right to me.  Although the argument is…that they will slowly show their face, when they are ready…and that it is somehow theraputic to be able to speak EVEN if you can't show your face.

    This is where we part ways.

    I do not believe that whispering in the dark, in a closet is helpful.

    It almost affirms that our past is a dark dirty secret.

    Never to see the light of day, and that our truth is something we should never attach to our faces.

    It was odd, how when the truth slipped in attached to a face, It was quickly deleted.

    That was the wakeup call I needed to exit this group.  Like how dare you turn the light on expose who is who and who is saying what on the Extoots blog!  I have no desire to go darker…and nameless and faceless and truthless.

    That is what the abusers love, for their secrets (victims) to cower in the dark. To keep their secrets secret, to never dare to be fully exposed.  

    The victim feels it is their truth that is ugly to reveal, when it is actually the truth behind the abusers. 

    I just can't see there being any good reason not to reveal your name…and your truth.  I do know that there are instances of domestic violence where you have to be careful and go through proper channels for your own safety….but on the views of sexual abuse as a child, a nowaday adult will be set free from that closet of shame, once he says his name…when he speaks his truth.

     

     

  • Life As Usual.

    I believe the biggest factor that waters the stigma of abuse IS the response to our telling.  It isn't the crime itself, the effects on the physical body OR even the betrayal of love or trust.  It is the absence of connection when we need it most.

    What messes with our mental wellness Is the lack of responses.

    Our minds can't hold the way in which people act.

    We internalize their distance.

    I know that some of the mental illnesses are in our head; the voices of negativity. But, in the case of being sexually abused by a family member, the most damaging voices are the silent ones in real life. 

    In reality it is the absence of our friends and family…lending us their voices to help us.  Instead we get the opposite.

    No parties.  No cards. No food delivered.  We are treated to the empty landscape of deafening disapproval.

    While I have a support team, many new friends that have happened upon my journey, and reconnected with old friends. A child who finds themselves in the footsteps of my childhood….feels this chilly terrain.

    And, internalizes it.

    Brings it in.

    There are no celebrations or hereo's parades…It is not openly discussed.  Nor are there stragedies in keeping away from evil…instead, life goes on remarkably the same.

    How?

    How is it that we don't have a better response to the abused?

    There is no way I am being treated different, kinder or unkinder.  I am just an example of one of the abused, and I am verbalizing the treatment I have recieved.  

    To all who feel justified in their silences, I want you to know, you are not part of the solution but a huge part of the problem.

    Not only are you not delivering cards or cheers of support, but you are actually and figuratively continuing on where the abuser left off….lowering their sense of self.

    Reducing them again, to someone who IS not seen.

    The abuser does not see our needs or what is good for us.

    He is selfishly acting out his desires.

    I see the silent majority doing the same.

    For personal reasons, fears, anxieties etc….they keep silent and restrained.

    If I could only articulate the emptiness and cold space we are left in by you all, I would feel successful.  I lived in the empty space you all left me in.  I also grew and reclaimed my Self without you.

    And, in hindsight…and with experience.  I can see how you all could not be there for me, for you all were in your own dark space just trying to survive.

    I don't blame you…for the quote comes to mind. "Forgive Them, They Know, NOT what they do."

    However, I am speaking for the ones on this side of the silence.

    I am speaking out.

    I am telling you how it feels.

    While the family continues to gather, while the church pews continue to be filled, while life goes on as usual, your usual is denying.

    Being denied, being the one unheard or believed…watching your actions of sameness IS what messes with our minds.

    What we expected or believed is that we would matter.

    We would matter enough for the whole system to lurch to a halt.

    Instead, our brokenness, means nothing at all.

    Or, it means we are mental for we can't get back to life as usual.

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