Category: FALC

Kindness, and its act of non-judging, creates a world outside of reality.  Where the bad behaviors are not seen, recognized, and a new reasonable conclusion brought in.

Instead, out of kindness, and to be more loving, truth is not accepted.

The many layers of consequences of non-judging astound me.

Is this sort of kindness, even kind?

And kind to whom?

Who benefits the most?

Is it really kind not to be in reality with someone?

Isn't it like playing pretend?

How did kindness and judging become at odds with each other?

The most non-judging among us are the most untruthful.

Who knew?

In my experience, religion teaches not to judge, and so I no longer trust religion. I know, this will not sit well with many.  I just don't see how I could support a system that continues to reject the truth.

What I knew was that my old religion played a huge part in keeping my father's secret; what I didn't know, was how.

I mean I knew that they blessed his sins…to be good christians, you must.  But, I didn't know that by rejecting his truths over and over, they were literally living in a reality where abuse didn't live.

The enormity of not judging someone to be kinder or a better christian, is mind blowing at best.

To live in two worlds simultaneously…yet only one world gets talked about.

The fake one.

The truth is the silent reality no one talks about or acts upon…but it is there humming along in the background of your life.

There is a breaking point for everyone. A time when all the unspoken, un-judged truths become too much to over-ride.

When your ability to juggle two worlds collapses.

You will pick one.

I had read in Melody Beatte's book "Co-dependent No More" that 85% of folks who have a tragic truth enter into their worlds, will do more of what they did before.  Like folks who drank to get through life, will drink more after a huge event pops into their world.  

That leaves 15% who will change their lives after a tragic, upsetting event.

What I see now, is that 85% can't take the truth in and make a reasonable conclusion and adjust their worlds.  They are unable to judge the new information.  But, in order to keep this fake world going they have to do more to keep unaware. 

Drink more, sleep more, more drugs, more busy, work more, etc…just to keep the distance between them and reality.

The inability to be with the severe truths of life, is what keeps addictions going.  Perhaps the distance between your fake world and the real world is the volume of anxiety that stretches in between.

What I know, is that while it was very traumatic to own the truths of my family initially, being with the truth has brought me peace, love and joy.

My ability to reason a new conclusion of how I would engage or not engage with folks due to the truths of my life, has empowered me.

Kindness and the inability to judge is very life constricting.

You have to maintain a false life; which is very tough to do.

A false pretense.

I looked up the meaning of False Pretense.

" is the obtaining of property by intentionally misrepresenting a past or existing fact."

The property is life.

To get the life you want by misrepresenting a past or existing fact or facts.

It is to life a life that appears perfect; but you got it under false pretenses.

What I know for sure, is that when the truth crashed into my fake life, I was left without an identity.  Or at least one that I was comfortable with.

The truthful me wasn't accepted by those living a false life and who wanted to keep it.

And, I literally was incapable of lying to myself anymore.

I wasn't able to pretend to pretend to pretend.

It is just good to understand the ramifications of living under false pretenses…that are gotten from non-judgement.

My experience with people who are non-judgmental, is that they are non-accepting to new information that will tarnish the reputation or character of a person they know.

They are choosing by non-judging; not acceptance of truth.

Do you notice, too…that they will only be non-judgmental about family and friends; but can see clearly when it is a person they are not attached to.

They will protect and posture to keep their false worlds going.

You don't even know, know, know, that with kindness, you are creating a world that is far from reality.  You just want to be kind and loving with family….and friends.

But, in the end, you truly don't end up with a kind loving family. You end up with all the truths, you didn't want to accept.

Everything that wasn't based on truth and reality….slips away like a night time dream…leaving you with nothing to hold on to but the raw truth.

So, when you think it is kinder to be non-judging, at least tell yourself the truth and know you are creating a relationship based on false pretenses.

 

I am betting that Free Spirits live only in one reality…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been trying to corral my emotions for my mother, to see what their message is and how I felt about her as a child.  And the contradiction between who I saw her as and who she really was, are miles apart.

She isn't as clearly defined as my father.  His abuse has a name and profile…hers is much more camouflaged into normalcy and society, and her family, allow her to blend in nicely.

Thinking backwards into our relationship, I feel I was duped…and yet confirmed by my feelings.

My feelings towards her were lacking. The warmth and inner excitement and joy a child would naturally feel…were missing.  Again, it was my problem; a child who can't love or feel love or feel comfort and connection with a parent.

I lived for 46 years, believing I was the problem.

When your body can't love someone; it appears to be you.

She presented to me as a woman of high morals and values. Her Faith was her ruler in all of her life choices, and she'll be damned to set them aside….for anyone or anything.  She appeared to be large, strong and capable woman…a woman who knew what she wanted…and what she disapproved of.

Her church appeared to present to the world standards that were remarkable in their pureness.  And, she a faithful follower.

It appeared she refrained from the lesser evils of the world.

She arrogantly was blind to anything; but her way.

I guess, if I was honest; I was trying, either consciously or not, to emulate her.

She was my standard and pattern to follow.

There was a battle between my Self and then her way.

Often the two didn't match.

And her disappointment clear when I chose my self over her needs.

I also catered to her needs more often than not.

I was her right hand; the one she relied on and leaned on as she complied with the churches belief against birth control. Child after child arrived in our home.  

I was used to assist her as she faithfully followed the church.

I can't really go back to our very young years.  Or perhaps I can go back, I just don't feel young.

I feel like a mothering child.

What is the most basics of contradictions, is how she responded to the allegations, or show and tell, in my case…about my father's abuse and her response.

Or, the lack thereof.

This seems to be the most severe breach of her character.

Where was the strong moral woman when I needed her?

Early on I felt that the underlying value she holds… is her blindness.

And, now I would call it denial.

Her inability to see that which would compromise her life's choices.

In our last conversation there were two items not open for discussion.

Her husband and her Faith.

This is where her blindness was the darkest.

And this is the chasm where I fell.

She was unable to see my wounds, for they would have broken her 'love' relationship. And, she used her Faith to shore up the cracks when something threatened to expose a truth she couldn't bear knowing.

Even when my father was lodged in the Houghton County Jail on Sexual Abuse charges, she still didn't see Him.  She suggested we (her and I) had two different perceptions of him.  She…Believing there were two!

What emotions do I have for her….?

Frustration and disbelief at her arrogance of holding on to something that isn't there anymore…while disregarding what is.

She held on to the value of her relationship with my father; while throwing me away.

I believe, she thinks she can have both or hold value in both of us – My father and I.  Like we are the same….'her loves.'

Her failure to see her husband's abuse towards me, left me feeling unseen at the most needy time in my life.

It is interesting to view my little child self.

To see her innocent and how my father treated that….

And, then to see her wounded and how my mother treated that.

How broken she left me to take care of myself.

Turning a blind eye.

Unable to See who damaged me…keeping him as he always was Innocent; a hardworking, asking for nothing, kinda man….who clothed and fed 14 children, never complaining….

Reducing me than to someone who threatened her kind man…changing him into a pedophile.  How dare you, Beth Ann!

Her greatest acts of failure will be keeping him kind in her heart; loving him unconditionally against all proof otherwise.

Her greatest failure as a mother was/is not seeing the child and their needs.

Her needs, her faith, her love….came first now and always.

I guess the desire to be with her left me at 7.

I wasn't drawn to someone who failed to see me, a young child with trauma to her private parts.  Imagine this fear added to the already traumatized child.

Showing a wound…to be ignored.

Unseen…except for the predator that lives there.

Imagine the confusion. My monster is her love.

Where can we meet for commonality?

Again, where does the child stand in this insane landscape?

To be with my body's truth…is to know this. And, to live in my mother's world…there was no monster there; my body has lied.

I am saying something unkind. "If you don't have anything kind to say, say nothing at all…"  One of her favorite sayings.

Maybe I feel now that I am at least honoring my truth and my body.

I am openly saying and acting like 'something' happened.

That unlike my mother; I changed how I saw my world.

I see it as the woman I thought was so morally centered was an immoral accomplice to my father's abuse against children.

She was his right hand.

She covered up what he had done.

By not seeing it.

And we would be wrong for showing our wounds.

I am proof of this.

Who is on the inside of the family circle and who stands outside?

She is one of the ringleaders of the circle of abuse.

I will invite the feelings to arise today.

I don't know what was worse to have been innocent and then be abused or to be abused and seen as unwounded?

Perhaps the second traumatization didn't impact as much for I was already broken…

 Art heals the wounds..

 

 

My mind was stirred up and I couldn't grasp a thread to formulate my thoughts against the onslaught of religious words in the book Hush.  It felt like there were multiple languages speaking languages that I didn't speak.  A gibberish of sounds; but the message was that I had to do something in order to be someone.

And until then, I was an empty painful container.

However, what is so painfully obvious to me, is that her idea of who I am and who I Feel I am are two completely different things.

What I am learning as I sat with the contents of the book and the contents of me, is that when the book and my reality are at odds… believe my reality and/or experience of me!

I disagree that the only way to wholeness is via religions…for I am without one and I feel whole.

My way forward was to seek love, peace and joy.  And in doing so, I turned away from things that didn't embody these sentiments…for me. 

I didn't need a map from someone else idea of what held these energies.

I sought them out by how I felt.

Being truthful about my feelings led me forward.

I didn't need to do what she and many religions speak of…I used my body and soul.

The way she describes God and his needs are so similar to the needs in many abusive homes…in a codependent way.

My experience of the Universe or nature is free…it doesn't need the gibberish to know what to do. Wordlessly and without any prompting or direction it does what it was born/planted to do.

I love that.

And the most imperfect things in nature are the most artful.

Why then is there an idea of us all matching and following one path?

We are all humans.

We all have our own life stories and truths.

Which have left their imprints upon us.

Some of us are so layered in lies, we don't know who we are…until we start living our truths…and bit by bit we unveil our natural self.

I feel honored to be me and feel I have gained such wisdom while uncovering me.

And, this all again was done outside of the constraints of religion.  In fact, for me….religion would have stopped me from being Me.

By its demand that I find peace, love and joy….outside of me.

I didn't feel like I met the author of Hush; but rather the religion that stood before her.

I am without a religious filter.  You see me as I am…there is nothing between me and you.

My filterless view of the world….tries to see behind the gibberish of words…to You.

Is there a you behind your religion?

What do you look like?

How do you feel and be and love?

Show me you!

My Lady and I…wordless works of Art.

 

 

A line in a movie said, "We don't talk about War because it is too painful, we don't talk about it, because no one wants to hear about it"

That concept struck me. 

I believe it is exactly the same about sexual abuse, about incest especially and more…when it is about members of the FALC.

It isn't about our personal experienes.  It is about how our truth affects your world…or makes you think or perhaps re-think what you have always known.

I love when my perception is tilted into seeing things differently.

However, I also know there are many whose whole lives would topple over IF their perception were to change. If they were to fully accept the details and truth about sexual abuse within a religion based upon high morals and values.

I get it.

But, most don't talk because YOU don't want to hear.

I know the weight of my silence was as thick as the refusal to hear.  

There really isn't a point of talking when you know the other person doesn't want to know what you saying.

Our silence will be broken to the people who want to hear.

And, it is my belief, especially when abuse happens within a family, the hearing ear will not be family.

Imagine IF we all understood this about the silence of sexual abuse….that we will talk when others WANT to hear.

 

This sign hung by this mailbox, I see each day. And each day it is asking me IF I am ready to Meet God?  

Is He hiding and does a church or religion own him and are they the only ones to 'introduce' Him to me?  

I usually mutter, "There is nowhere to NOT meet Him, He is everywhere…."  

How interesting that a small religion feel they own Him…that he is their property. And they can introduce Him and show me who he is…when there is nowhere He is not.  It is like selling us Air we breathe that surrounds us, always.

Just look at the brilliant display!  How is the Universe not present?  Where would I have to go to 'meet' him? What is nature if not God?  

I sometimes, okay, I mostly feel, that those who get caught up in the words written in the bible and the rules of religion, miss God completely.  They are trying to 'learn about him' while being surrounded by Him.

My church is outside…and it is breathtaking.

It has no rules for me to follow in order to See It.

It can't fit into one religion or God forbid into a small building with a Steeple.

It explodes and dances in its Glory from the smallest expression to the largest.

Sadly, I feel, they who are trying to give me God, miss seeing Him in his true nature.

The god they are trying to get me to meet, would be similar to the god I left in my old religion.  A judging god, a punishing god, to me….a dysfunctional god.  One who is angry and wants me to suffer on earth for a spot of heaven someday…

The God I see every day, everywhere is nature and natural.

Brilliant, bright, contrasting, imperfect, perfect, wild, beautiful, unique, transforming, ever changing, light, dark….endless, infinite, bold, expansive…  

There is no contest to who I feel most aligned to…nature and I are the same expressions of the Universe…being or expressing ourselves as who we are.

When I was in complete and utter terror of not knowing who I was, where I came from, what was the truth….nature led the way.

Each morning, I would walk.  I would step outside the sun would be there….up in the sky.  I could count on it.  It never changed, nor did it ever demand something from me.  It accepted me as I was in that moment….and has ever since.

Nature is the most wonderful teacher and the greatest place to learn how to accept yourself and all change.  To see how gracefully change and transformation happens, how death feeds new life…how there is no struggle in the sunrise or a tree turning color.  

Nature flows.

Truth is.

God.