I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Unmet Needs

    The concept that unmet needs drive our worlds, and cause blindness to reality, is the most insightful.  It totally explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional home.  The core of word dysfunction really.

    Here is the deal.  In a dysfunctional home, codependency is commonplace.

    We expect others to fulfill our needs. 

    That is their job and it is our job to fulfill their needs.

    Self-sufficiency is nowhere to be found and the phrase, "you complete me" is real.

    Inside of a dysfunctional home, no one is empowered.

    Self-awareness, self-love and self-esteem is unheard of.

    Self period is a bad word.

    To be self-loving is the greatest sin and is called selfish.

    Using your life to live by your own soul and passion is not acceptable.

    You are to be part of the whole and move as one.

    Your own needs are not even recognized; but you will be able to know and feel and even predict the needs of others.  

    Your life will be jousted about by crisis of everyone else; with very little free space to call you own – if any.  You are not free to plan and execute your own life.  You are frozen in place by the sheer volume of folks who need you.  You are that important – to them.  And completely unimportant in your life.  

    While underneath this busyness for others, is the unseen and unheard (by you) your own needs.

    This thirst and craving for something.

    What is the most common phrases…."I want to be happy." "I want to be loved." or "I want to be valued."

    Most will not however, tell you what that means. 

    What does it truly look like to be valued.

    And, mostly…they will tell you what the other people have to do; but not themselves.

    This was me.

    I danced to the tune of what others needed and what they expected of me.  I had zero clue who I was or what I wanted.  None.

    My individual self had never been born or had a chance to live within the dysfunctional home and its cult like religion. There was no room for self there. 

    No self-expression.

    Individual ideas, or God forbid a deviation to something different.

    What I know for sure, is that when I found the little seed of self and began nurturing her and living from the inside out – I fell out of the 'good graces' of both family and religion.

    My life experiences show this concept in action.

    I had originally thought, that the rest of my family had more love for family.

    Their volume was turned up many degrees higher than mine.

    But, what I now believe to be more true is this unmet need beacon that is driving their choices.

    Love from others is their need.

    I used to also believe that need equaled love.  The more you needed someone the more you loved them.  My definition of love was NEED.  I felt more loved; the more I was needed.

    Now, I feel love as being free.

    Needless.

    Love that needs is not love.  It is codependency.

    I don't need anyone to do anything for me to make me happy.

    This has been hard. Very hard.  A disease of sorts.

    I felt unloving as I unplugged everyone.

    I felt unloving as I took care of myself and became responsible for my peace, love and joy.

    This freedom to be me allowed me to love me.

    Even while I fell out of love with others.

    They only loved me when I could fulfill their needs.

    Once I stopped feeding their needs; love ended.

    Their love was need.

    Period.

    That love kills the soul.

    I still have moments when the thought "I need you to do…." comes in.

    Or, "They should".

    Each time I have this thought, I circle it back to me.

    I need ME to do it.

    I should do that.

    Each time I bring the power back to me, it frees me. And, sets the other person free too.

    To me, the greatest love of all time are free souls enjoying this life together!

    Love is free.

    If you are not free to be…it is not love!

    It is need.

    What are your unmet needs?

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  • Convinced Wrongly

    I wonder about the mass shootings and their correlation to our thoughts. In that, it is the mind who believes that there are superior colors, sex, nationality, sexual preferences, lifestyles, religions etc. We want to quickly ban guns; but nothing is said about the way we as a society have been taught to believe.

    In my old church, I was taught to believe that being gay was wrong.

    This simple wrong belief colored my world.

    It tainted those who were born gay.

    And it whitened me.

    I was special.

    I was better.

    I was right.

    Born correct.

    They were choosing to be born wrong.

    Sadly, I don’t even believe I thought further into my thought processes; but that there was something wrong with them. Period. Dismissed. Off my radar.  AND, I was right!  Being right, I thought no more.

    As I sat in the park the other day, a child who appeared “different” walked by. My mind immediately said, “There is something wrong with her.

    I was shocked in the terminology and the wrongness that I felt.

    For her, it was totally right.

    It was I who had something wrong with me.  I was putting her outside of what I was taught to believe was right.

    This white straight and correct religion feeling of superiority IS the problem.

    Our view of setting us up higher, and better, and chosen is where the annihilation happens.

    Most will look upon the minorities weighing how far from the mark of superiority they are. Not seeing their value as they are; but how they don’t match what we as a society have believed to have more worth.

    Just because we believe this doesn’t make it so.

    I have battled with an abused mind.

    Mine.

    And the collective minds of my old church and family of origin.

    You will be hell bent to change their minds.

    Reality and life has no impact on what they think.

    None.

    Brainwashed in believing what they believe, not only totally, but blindly and without regard to who they have banished to the fringes of society.  

    These God fearing folks are setting the graph where we all rise or fall – in.   No one is equal  outside of their circle.  All within – special, saved, right, chosen, loved by God.

    What they fail to consider ARE the ones they have banned.  It isn't about those banned; but about themselves.  And, what they don't want to discuss is why these folks are banned.  

    The easier route is to ban guns; the much harder route is to change the way we believe.

    “A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.” Albert Einstein

    I see these egregious acts as lessons for us all.

    What are you believing about others who don’t look like you, live like you, believe like you, act like you, love like you, etc?  Be honest. Brutally honest!

    And, where is the line drawn between believing they are wrong and hating? What is fueling these crimes?

    Can the guns really carrying the majority of blame for these hate crimes? Do guns hate?

    How is it that we don’t want to look at ourselves and see our part?

    See what our religion teaches? Who is special and on the right path to heaven and all the others be damned. Who is less and who is more?

    What can we blame for sex crimes?

    Can we ban our sexual organs?

    In order for us to have a real conversation about these crimes of hate, we have to start with what we believe about those who are different than ourselves.

    What would happen to religion IF folks all found out we are all equal? 

    That God didn't make a mistake or people didn't chose wrongly; but that all are perfectly human and equal!

    The mind is the most flexible organ we have.

    It is also the most rigid when beliefs are laced with fear.

    My mind was blown apart when I discovered truths – ugly truths – in my family. Yet my wide open mind was then able to see what else I had falsely believed in.  And, in what ways was I completely insane in my thinking mind?

    Can a closed mind see its own beliefs and see where it has set people on a scale that sees them lower than them?  How many of us want to dissect where our thoughts come from?  Or are you free to tear apart a religion when and if, it can't see humanity as equals?

    We are our beliefs.

    We live according to how we believe.

    In my mind, it wasn’t the gun that killed those folks but the natural conclusion of a mind who believes that not all men are created equal.

    When we ban this way of thinking – guns will be innocent.

    Certainly it is a tool to be used to kill – but without a hateful, confused and insane mind – it is as innocent as a sexual organ.

    When I discovered my own insane mind – I was terrified.  Of how blindly I followed behind the church and family and its teachings or models.  How unquestioning I was.  The lack of personal discernment was beyond shocking.

    I had to look at the world again.

    With an open mind.

    A questioning one.

    I had to experience the sins of the church to find their innocence.  

    And, I had to look closely at what I thought was innocent to find evil.

    These tragedies are great learning opportunities.

    It isn't about taking away the innocent items (guns); but to look at our minds.

    Each of us.

    All I can say is that my mind had collected years worth of incorrect ideas.

    My view of the world was based upon how I was told to see it.

    Only a confused mind would believe that his only option is to kill someone.

    It is easy to look outward for someone or something to blame.  

    Harder to look within to see your own personal scale and how others fit upon it.

    Not only to see your beliefs; but how you feel about others.

    Remember, I was taught by my church community that being Gay was wrong.  An 'innocent church' taught me this. Not a hating organization or so I thought.  

    I wasn't taught to hate them; but I certainly wasn't taught to value them. 

    When we blame guns – the crazed mind goes un-noticed…theirs and ours.

    If everyone could only experience the mental mind.  To find the space to look around what it believes and why.  

    My mind was created by a cult like religion and an abusive family lifestyle.  It is no wonder how I saw the world.  It wasn't until I seen both in the reality, that I was able to see humanities equality.

    It isn't those of us outside of religion that are spreading the messages of inequality. 

    Nor are we teaching others how to think or what to believe in.

    We have no rules, no rights and wrongs. We are simply living our lives based on our own souls desire.   

    Churches are not as innocent as guns.  

    Churches are brainwashing minds.

    Teaching hate and to see someone as wrong – less -not okay.

    What do guns teach – on their own?  

    Laying in a gun case…

    I was born in captivity in a brainwashed community/family.

    My mind was completely convinced wrongly.

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  • Quality of Life

    "The Mind will determine the quality of life" author unknown.

    This simple statement is extremely profound.  

    We often assume that there are outside sources that dictate the value of our lives; but having a healthy free open mind is the core to a life of quality.

    In the book "Out There" by David Clark, he spoke about seeing your sickness amid the people who are equally as sick as you.  Same goes for a dysfunctional mind and a mind that is hanging out with the members of the same brainwashed system.  How can it know it is brainwashed? Who among the other brainwashed will be able to see and then point it out?  

    What has been most clearly seen to me, now that I am no longer under the strain of being brain washed, is a mind that is completely controlled by a 'higher' power.  Where the individual is no longer in control of their lives.  

    There are some quite disturbed minds who are running the show.  Mostly they keep the individual locked away from reality and finding their own happiness.   

    A person completely under control of their minds are shocking to watch.

    A woman who is breathless and frozen while she tries to manage another's happiness is lost to this day's beauty.

    What I find so utterly intriguing is how their minds have them believing that they are the source for someone else's happiness, peace, love and joy.  This thought leaves them waiting for someone else then to come along and deliver the same to them.

    Co-dependency at its best.

    I am completely grateful for finding my way free of the co-dependency system as well as the cult-like religion; both who messed completely with my head.

    There are a million sad situations I could have been left in.

    When I now bump into people whose lives have zero reason for their stress and anxiety, where the mind has completely taken over their peace, I am unsure of what I can offer them in ways of getting out.

    How do you convince someone whose mind has them convinced?

    "A mind convinced against its will, is of the same opinion still."

    They are locked in their heads.  

    The mind itself is blocking their exit.

    Seeing the world and believing in their powerlessness.

    I see vestiges of me, my former self, drifting in reality unseeing and unmoving.  It is surreal at best. 

    Mostly, they are signposts to keep moving…being and to celebrate my healthy mind.

    The mind truly does determine our quality of life.  

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  • Who I am.

    One of the books by my nightstand is "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

    So far I have highlighted many sentences.

    "Trust is a function of choice"

    I love this.  I also believe, that when we literally allow ourselves the freedom of choice, we can then trust ourselves.  Without knowing we are free to say yes or to say no, we don't trust ourselves.  How can we?  Nor, do I trust in others who are unable to freely choose.

    It is quite remarkable actually, to boil life down to this simple freedom of your individual self. 

    Trusting yourself to make a choice. 

    To see that life has choices.

    What the church has taken away mostly is the right to choose and in doing so has put the people's trust IN the church and away from the self.

    A person without trust in themselves, is one who has no idea who they are.

     

    "We lie to ourselves about ourselves and then become highly offended when others impose their lies on us. We violate our most basic instincts and in doing so invite others to do the same. We put our faith in everything that can go wrong, and when it does, we feign shock. 

    Another profoundly simple and extremely hard thing to do; stop telling yourself lies.

    They don't even have to be big ones, just lies.

    Saying "Yes" when you would feel so much better saying "No".  That is lie.

    All the little ways, you don't speak your truth, chip away at who you are and erodes your feelings of trust towards yourself.

    I mean truly, if you can't trust yourself to make a choice based upon how you truly feel, how can you literally trust yourself.  And, if you can't trust yourself; how can you ever put trust in someone else?

    "Learning to trust is so simple, and yet it is the hardest thing we must learn to do in this life. For me, it begins with knowing that my thoughts and feelings are valuable."

    Our value is truly raised or lowered by the choices we make.  In the way we discount our feelings and place more value in others.

    Not only do we 'discount' them, we totally ignore or even recognize the validity of how we feel and even our right to feel a certain way.

    It is very hard coming from dysfunctional families where abuse was present to find our own self-worth, when we were literally treated like we had zero value.  And, harder still is when our feelings about our family are not of high value. We don't even feel we have the right to feel we see them as being less than loving. Even when reality is clearly showing us.  We want to preserve the value of family and we do this by lowering our own value.

    "When I trust what I think and feel, then I am empowered to take actions that are self-supportive, self-respectful, and self-naturing.  I can do this now because I have done my work, cleaning up my past, forgiving my own transgressions, and taking complete responsibility for what I think, do, and say – moment by moment. These, i believe are seeds of self-trust."

    It is so completely hard to trust what you think and feel, when both of those have been taken away.

    When the church has stepped in front of you; taking away your right to think on your own. When it has taken away the right to your body, you no longer feel you own your feelings.

    The same goes for abuse.

    Abuse is an act of 'no choice'.  And, due to the fact, you had no choice, you then place no trust in yourself.  An oxymoron for sure.

    For in order to have trust, you have to have choice and in typical dysfunctional families, the very act of choice is removed. 

    So, you literally start the journey of healing and following yourself out of the pattern of abuse as a person who doesn't even trust herself!

    It is to place trust in someone who has not even proven to be someone of value and worth.

    I am not sure I can wrap your heads around this fact clearly enough.

    For the only one to save you is you.

    And the you who is in charge of saving you, has never made a free choice, when it comes to being the strong one to support your feelings and your thoughts.

    It is to change the way you see the world and respond to it. It is to take your sights off of the outside and zero in on the inside.  To become intimately connected to your emotions and your gut feelings as well as what will bring you love, peace and joy….and, then being strong enough to stand your ground.

    I was only able to do this; by seeing the alternative.

    By seeing how my mother's life turned out, was I able to do the opposite.

    The complete opposite led me out.

    I was fearful. I was terrified spitless to do this.

    I didn't know who I was, nor did I trust that I was doing the right thing; but I was more terrified of ending up like my mother, so I forged on.

    Each little choice I made that was in support of my inner feelings and emotions, and my trust grew.

    I learned to trust Me.  

    My body never lies.

    I only lied about what it felt…or what I felt.

    Now, I trust myself implicitly!

    I had to look up the definition of Trust.

    "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."

    Yes, I completely believe in who I am.

    "We need truth to grow in the same way that we need vitamins, affection and love." Gary Zukav

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  • In Our Own Circle.

    I have been asked to do a presentation for our local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) on March 9th. 

    I had to look up the definition of Alliance – "association formed for mutual benefit".

    I look forward to seeing what this chapter does in my area.

    I am excited to do this and yet unsure of which direction I will speak from.

    As I snowshoed today, I pondered my mental health…and my journey into it.

    What things I had to give up in order to have mental peace and wellness.

    How I am today or maybe who I am today…is directly related to my mental health.

    I was in the same dinning room with an estranged sister last evening, while we had dinner; separately. Also a full table full of old church members.  Perhaps it was the combination of both that left me unsettled.

    My attention was definitely split between our table and my past dining just a few feet away.

    I couldn't  ignore neither their presence, nor how it feels in my body, to be near them.  

    So what is mental illness or wellness?

    Is it how you feel?

    I had to look up "illness" to see its definition.

    "a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind…"

    Can an illness be anything that affects the body and mind?

    Would it then not apply to people?

    If some people affect your body…would it not then make you ill to be in their presence?

    And, if a religion affects your mind wouldn't the same hold true?

    I don't have a learned degree in mental illnesses; but I do know what affects my own body and mind. 

    I could see or maybe feel the common alliance of mutual benefit of my sister to my family of origin…as well as the church family…and how I stood outside their circles.

    My differences clashed…and I never seem to find the social level to stand upon.

    Or maybe even the desire to engage…for I know that old road and its beliefs.

    Something in me isn't willing to reach out…to cross back over that line.

    Mostly, I just want distance.

    But distance is hard when there is a past.

    You can only pretend you have nothing in common.

    They will always be part of who I was….and am.

    I will always hold the spot outside of their circle…for my wellness needs this space.

    I don't believe either of us will ever be unaffected when in each other's presence.

    The inside and outside are separated by our individual needs to be where we are.

    Our different needs are worlds apart.

    It was to see my old illness…to feel its affect on me.

    Denying how both family and church affected me…was my mental illness.

    I am mentally healthy when I am aware of how it feels…and not try to engage for their peace.

    It was to be dipped back into the past to feel it…once again.

    A woman came up to our table and told how my mother sent a card to her 91 year old mother….how nice, she said.  

    Nice.

    Hmmm, this is where our differences lie.  

    Where, between our two circles, can we meet and agree…

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    I may appear mental to them all…but, I am quite sane to me.

    Perhaps mental illness depends upon which circle you are standing on…and in which direction you are looking.  Maybe we all feel completely sane…in our own circle.

     

     

     

  • They Call Love…and Faith

    Are you controlled IF you agree with the sentiment that is controlling you?  Are you held prisoner if you want to be there?  If you gave up your rights to your own body to be loved and accepted, are you then not a participant, or at very least a contributor, to your lack of freedom?

    What occurred to me, is that many (or most) women of the FALC, is that they were taught from childhood to relinquish their rights to their own bodies. They agreed by not revolting against it.

    Certainly, they were children when this game began and it was orchestrated by those in power in their worlds.  Love and Fear were mixed into the equation.

    They don't feel controlled; but loved when they gave up their individual freedom.

    Love, to them is captivity, or the lack of personal freedom.

    Others loved them more when they went along with the program of being voiceless and choiceless.

    To try now to undo the years of conditioning and to separate themselves from this tangle of love bonds…is incredibly hard.

    We gave up our freedom for Love.

    Now, in order to regain our freedom, we will lose the love.

    What some see as controlling; we see as love.

    And, IS this love…to be controlled by another?

    This unique partnership of agreeing to be controlled, camouflages the wrongness.

    We tend to think of control as feeling powerless, not feeling loved and accepted.

    I once again, feel it tough to articulate how the intricacies of this works so brilliantly when the person without power WANTS it.

    When the controlled person believes it is their Faith.

    And, that they are living a life that God wants.

    He wants them to be powerless; that Man and God have the right to their bodies…but, not themselves.

    Is someone who ardently wants to be a 'good christian' by relinquishing all rights to their own bodies…being controlled?

    And, isn't this the perfect recipe for brainwashing?

    Where the victim actually believes IT is what they want.

    To change their minds to live their lives by the wishes, beliefs and desires of others.

    Giving up their own personal choices, wishes and dreams…in order to be a great team player…in family and church.

    Isn't this the true meaning of Martyr?

    To be killed for her beliefs….and yet the person who dies, is yourself.

    You have to let go of who you were born to be in order to be loved and accepted by family and religion.

    How do you grab the attention of a woman who has given up her own life to be loved and to be a good christian woman?  Who are you actually talking to?

    I feel that so many women are clones or the walking dead for the church.

    Their separate identities are lost and before they even had a time to be formed; they were molded into the image the church needed.

    The very reason, that I found myself at 46, completely empty when I lost my church and family.  Without them, I had no idea who I was…where I was going.   I was lost, I didn't know who I was; but I was going to go and find Me.

    I don't believe that other women will wake up to this same fact, until that which they believes loves them…fails them completely.

    It wasn't that I seen there was no Me…but rather that which I thought was love was not and those I called family….were abusive and the church that I thought had high morals and values; didn't have any.

    I guess I saw the machine that controlled me as evil…and unloving.  My definition of love was empty.

    I am not sure what was more shocking to see the reality of abuse OR the absence of Me.

    When I took my power back and gave myself the freedom of choice…I began discovering love.

    Love of self

    Love of life

    Love that is Love

    My definition of love is freedom.

    And, I am very wary of anything or anybody that seeks to control me.

    Control is not love…

    I had to look up the word control.

    "the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events:"

     

    The only power love has, is freedom to be you.  

    If you are under the influence of others…it isn't love; but control.

    If you agree to give up your personal freedoms…it is brainwashing; not love…and not a spiritual practice; but a controlling religion.

    In meeting women who are still faithful to the FALC or churches like them…I cannot see an individual person…just a mouth piece echoing the beliefs of their faith.  There is no individual there; nor can she make one move that is opposed to her church.

    Standing there with captured body and mind…she is empty of self.

    The only free movement are those that are in agreement with the church and family.

    And yet, she would gladly tell you she is not controlled….but, is a very Faithful Christian Woman.  She loves her Church and Family.

    Blind to the faults each hold.

    Blind to the binds that bind her.

    "Bless be the tie that binds…" is a song.

    What they fail to notice is the tie that binds, has killed the individual long before it had a chance to become.

    Bond together blindly, silently…by and evil force they call love…and Faith.

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     I created this quilt early in 2004 or 05.   "Soul Lost"  A perfect vision of me coming out of an abusive family and cult like religion.

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  • Neutralizes Shame

    "The opposite of shame is empathy"  Brene Brown

    I caught the beginning of an act of shame.  As I drove away, the context of what was happening dawned on me.  He was trying to shame them into good behavior.

    Is that even possible?

    He had a smile on his face…he was pleased with what he had come up with to gain compliance by a few folks who ignored the rules.

    It wasn't what the sign said, nor the non-compliance…but rather how pleased he was for singling them out…that stayed with me.

    His pleasure at shaming him…showed his character. 

    I pondered his response to clients who were disrespecting the rules, and realized this was familiar.

    The old me would have approved.

    I used to use shame as a way to control others and make them behave.

    It seems insane to me now.

    But, when I was powerless…I made those with less power…even less powerful.

    To use shame to get others to respect rules…is to use disrespectful behavior and expect to be respected.  It is all twisted up and backwards.

    My old mothering reflected this insanity.

    I don't know for sure what changed my shame based mothering to empathetic?

    It must have something to do with my acceptance of my abuse and the lack of shame about being abused…that changed me.

    The old me would derisively point out others faults to raise me up.

    Silently…

    or out loud.

    Putting them down to be higher.

    What an exhausting way to live…and so powerless.

    Using someone else to feel powerful.

    Co-dependent for sure.

    As I neutralized the shame, I no longer needed anyone to be lower than I, to feel my own worth.  I no longer needed shame.

    Imagine. I used shaming others to feel powerful. Lower them to raise me up, without a care to how it left them being.  

    In fact, somehow in my twisted mind, I believed that they would see the error of their ways and comply…

    Like I was doing them a favor for pointing out their shortcomings.

    I know this was a learned behavior, either from the church or from how I was raised…or both.  

    It was only when I found peace with my abuse; did I learn to interact with others on an even playing field.  

    I can recall feeling so inept with allowing others to control their own worlds…in letting go of being dependent upon them for my self-worth.

    It was to be completely empty…but, not worthless.

    There was a line in a book I was listening to….and he said he was emptied from the experience of being a prisoner of war….and that all he wanted to do now, was to fill himself with joy.  "Unbroken" is the name of the book.

    This made sense to me.

    I too recall feeling of wanting to go out and find things that brought me love, peace and joy.

    I guess, when you have been emptied of shame….there is a wide open space to be filled…

    My soul was thirsty for things I loved…even to know love.

    I was no longer tolerant of things that didn't feel like peace…and no longer tolerated untruths that stole my peace.

    Joy was a feeling I longed for…and captured in a 1,000 different ways. 

    I came alive…or lived for the first time; when I no longer felt ashamed.

    It is interesting, I felt ashamed…before I knew my truth. 

    And, when my denial broke…shame left me.

    I was an empty me…waiting for me to find things that reflected who I was.  

    I began to build me.

    What is interesting to me, is that I no longer felt shame or ashamed of my truth….and yet others treated me as something shameful.

    It is like the inner shame became outer shame. But the outer shame had no impact on me…for inside of me I was filled with empathy for me and my journey….my truth.

    It is so much better having shame on the outside as others view you….compared to feeling that you are shame.

    Once I felt shameless…nothing anyone can say or do will be able to put it back inside of me.

    Truth and self-acceptance neutralizes shame.

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  • Soul Felt Its Worth

    "Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness."  Alejandro Jodorowsky

    I have had the honor in talking to some young women, who have recently left the religion they were born in, and they shared how oddly they are now viewed.

    I am sure those still left in the cage are seeing their flight as a sickness.

    Or even that the devil has taken hold of their senses.

    They are like free birds…colorful, bright, creative, excited to do what their souls are calling to them.

    Nothing dark and devilish as the religion often preached of the space outside of its cage.

    But freedom of choice and self expression.

    Birds dancing and trying many choices the world has to offer; that the cage forbid.

    The small cage of their religion didn't allow for the innocent delights of individual creative self expression and inner connection to spirit.

    The cage was for the cage; mindless or heedless of the consequences to those who gathered there.

    I love speaking to these young women as they recognize their self worth…for them to feel the inner love and innocence.  For them to be giving their children choices and voices and to dissolve the idea of the devil outside of the cage. 

    Each young woman who gets her wings, who exits the cage; lends hope for others still inside.

    When you can hear and feel their wonder and awe at how wrong they have been taught. To hear them experience the joy and happiness of freedom…you know that freedom will be the new pattern.

    I love how brave they are.

    How they are willing to disappoint their families to hear the flapping of their wings.

    To stand up against the adults that raised them; and honor their truths.

    My greatest vision of the future is to hear the cage doors creaking open….and to hear the empowered joyful voices of the newly set free!

    Each conversation fills me with hope that the generations who are following…. will leave the cage doors open.

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    Imagine a world where each soul felt its Worth!!

  • Save Themselves

    "Kicking the drug of Certainty..." was a phrase in Gloria Steinem's book "My Life on the Road".

    If you sit down with the concept of certainty, or perhaps your belief in whatever you are certain about, it shuts down anything that is different.

    What are you certain of?

    How much of your life is open to the unknown and how willing are you to drop your certainty.

    I lived a very certain life for 46 years.  I found comfort in believing wholeheartedly in things I put certainty upon.  I wouldn't have called it a drug; but I totally relied upon being certain.  Being certain IS where the value lay in the church.

    Certain that it was the only church heading towards heaven.

    Certain that it was the only right religion.

    Certain in the power of forgiveness of sins.

    Certain of the morals and values of its members.

    Certain that my mother held high morals and high values…I could trust her to do what was right; always.

    Certainty lived outside of me.  I just had to believe in those certainties.

    My inner constitution and support leaned heavily upon these certainties.

    I based my life upon these certainties.

    I saw life from this certain position.

    If there was any doubts about these things…it was often my lack of faith in them.  But, certainly not them.

    I can now see how a child is schooled into believing upon certainty…and the things that his parents are certain about become his.  We are given this drug at a very early age and base our knowledge of the world from this vantage point.

    We live comfortable with a certain set of certainties that keep our world upright.

    If and when, these certainties are challenged…we are challenged.

    I didn't have a separate independent self that saw the world; I saw from the collective opinions of others that schooled me.

    Perhaps what made me more faithful upon these ideals, was the lack of my own.

    I have been pondering the Faithful Women of the FALC and what if anything I can say or do; to rattle their certainty.

    It absolutely appears that they are drugged by certainty….and unable to make conscious choices or to move freely.

    This is astounding to me and also very affirming of my first 46 years on the planet.

    When Gloria speaks about "Reproductive Freedom" it is much broader than the right to abortions.  It is the right to your sexual organs.

    The women of the church are certain that they have no rights where their reproductive organs are concerned.  It isn't theirs.

    What this means is that someone else owns them.

    They don't have the right to protest or stand up for them.

    This is just one point they are certain on…and have given that right away.

    Again, it appears they were given this drug slowly insidiously from a very young age until now they are dependent upon it.

    Their certainty needs this…in order for their lives to make sense.

    My coming in and trying to shake their certainty…is a withdrawal from what they have known.

    They will have to now become 'uncertain' and that feels powerless….EVEN though they have lived without the rights to their own bodies…being uncertain leaves them in fear.

    They have been powerless but did not know it.   Their only power was in being certain.

    When I take away their certainty; they are left with nothing.

    Their loyalties lie with those who want them to remain powerless.

    And, they turn away from me.  Become silent.

    The only way you can become so certain, is to be taught these ideals at  a young age; to be raised in this culture and segregated from the outside.  Or as Martha Beck says, "Born in captivity."

    There are a few things that appear to be quite certain.

    That as long as the church members willingly hold on to their certainties and remain unmoved by evil in their midst….evil with flourish.

    As long as women give up their rights to their own bodies; they are not free…and are powerless.

    If the very doorway to their femininity isn't theirs…how can they celebrate being feminine.

    I looked up the word "Femininity"

    "the quality of being female; womanliness. "She celebrates her femininity by wearing make-up and high heels."

    How do the women of the church celebrate their own feminine natures; when they are unable to even own their reproductive organs, let alone the freedom to wear make up and decorate themselves etc?

    Are they certain about giving up their rights?

    If they have given up their rights; how will they be able to champion the rights of their own children?

    Do you not have to be free before you can try and free another?

    Can you be two free birds in the same cage certainty?

    A certainty that you see as worthy, and it sees you worthless.

    Can the worthless wretched souls…save anyone?

    When, in fact…they can't even save themselves.

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  • Able to live.

    "I am living my mother's un-lived life"  Gloria Steinem

    While listening to Gloria speak to Oprah…I heard her say these words.

    I know this to be true.

    There is a life that is beyond what we set out doing.

    A life that isn't bound by religion.

    Tied to family's perceived obligations.

    Where being responsible blocks the roads to a life we want to live.

    I also recognize that this sentiment may not enter into your awareness until you are older; when the life you lived and are living isn't the ones of your dreams. Where you dreams feel like distant memories.

    I can safely say that I had no grand visions of what my life would be…or even should be.  I was on a track of doing what was expected, and more importantly, what didn't upset the applecart. 

    I would say, I didn't freely consider Me and who that would look and present itself to the world.

    The choices I made were not conscious…in that I ever looked at how they would impact me; but rather each choice had a greater impact on my outer world and those around me.   I lived to serve others and to make things smoother- ironing out the wrinkles of other's bad choices.

    Is it a LIVED LIFE, if you use your life in a codependent way for others?

    Are you truly living your life; if none of your choices are solely based on your very own happiness?

    I believe there is a movement; an awakening of souls who crave to LIVE this life.

    Imagine the world where women are in control of their reproductive organs.  Isn't that odd that so many are not.  Literally; have no freedom to this.

    I know, that I have been seen as the mental one, the crazy lady who wants to destroy the church, religion and family.  When in actuality, I am trying to free women to live their own lives.  And, not be an appendage of the church and or mother.

    When some would say, "You are your mother's right hand…." it was literally true and her mind.  I was grown in her image; we moved as one.  And, I was also there to do much of what she didn't want to do or could handle or face etc.  I was groomed to be her front man to ward off so many things that would have over-burdened her.  

    And, the church owned much of my body.

    The un-lived life…is to be attached by invisible strings…to move only in step with the needs of church, faith, and family.

    The burden of this is beyond what my mind now can hold. 

    I cut the strings.

    I am no longer attached to anyone.

    I get to live the life that my mother wasn't able to live.

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