I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Their Faith Won’t Let Them.

    The strength of Faith and its solid hold it has on someone will stand in the way of reality.  

    What I have come to know, as I dialogue with folks from within the church about victim stories of abuse; is that it will not matter how horrific and detailed; what matters more is the power of their faith.

    How many within the church would be willing to leave….for any reason?

    How many would be able to lay down their faith in order to save a child from a life of abuse?

    It seems like a no-brainer; but it isn't.

    I could share names and give bullet points of abuse – but it isn't the words of the victims that need to be stronger; but a faith weaker.

    Isn't that amazing?

    It isn't what will be gained with the new knowledge, but rather what they will lose.

    By taking a step back from the she said, he did – we can see the two sides.

    There is a very strong belief and faith against those who are speaking 'ill' of it.

    Those who are 'insulting' and 'against' the church or wanting to hold the church accountable for a 'few' irresponsible adults.

    There is a swirling of two very powerful energies within the church; mixing and blending into a very odd mixture

    For a lack of a better word – The Brainwashed Faithful and the Negative Energies that have been shunned. 

    The epic battle of Good and Evil are not even there.

    For the good folks are participants unbeknownst.

    I think, if it was between to opposing forces there would be a chance.

    But the dance that evil needs to flourish is the blind silence of many.

    The very trait of many victims is to not recall – to have blocked it out- and the terror and fear that arises when abuse is mentioned; has them turning away in disbelief.

    Some have criticized me for me being so openly against the church – and its true.  I can't find a redeeming quality there.

    The brick wall that arises again and again IS their faith.

    Faith in what, I am not so certain – but anything that opposes it doesn't stand a chance.

    I had thought, that perhaps they needed pictures of the literal abuse taking place in order to move.  I have forgotten the power of their faith.

    It doesn't matter how articulate, young or old the voice is – it will be weaker than their faith.

    Truth has no power where their faith is concerned.

    Their faith and those who preach it reign supreme.

    When Tom Rosemurgy asked me in one of our first meetings; "What could we on the outside have done to wake you up to the abuse in your life" I was empty of ideas.  

    Nothing came to me.

    It isn't the colorful detailed descriptions of each abuser and their victims.

    It is to tear down a faithful mind.

    How do you do that?

    How do you un-condition a conditioned mind.  Un-wash the brainwashed?

    The un-natural conditioning of their minds is the perfect companion to abuse.

    For they won't leave it; no matter what.

    Not the family and not the church.  

    Their faith won't let them.

    IMG_5474

     

     

  • Toxic Doses of Religion

    A young friend sent me the following link…

    http://www.salon.com/2014/11/01/the_sad_twisted_truth_about_conservative_christianitys_effect_on_the_mind_partner/

     

    A great article on the effects of strict religions. 

    What struck me was this…

    "A symptom like one of these clearly has a religious component, yet many people instinctively blame the victim. They will say that the wounded former believer was prone to anxiety or depression or obsession in the first place—that his Christianity somehow got corrupted by his predisposition to psychological problems. Or they will say that he wasn’t a real Christian. If only he had prayed in faith believing or loved God with all his heart, soul and mind, if only he had really been saved—then he would have experienced the peace that passes all understanding."

    "But the reality is far more complex. It is true that symptoms like depression or panic attacks most often strike those of us who are vulnerable, perhaps because of genetics or perhaps because situational stressors have worn us down. But certain aspects of Christian beliefs and Christian living also can create those stressors, even setting up multigenerational patterns of abuse, trauma, and self-abuse. Also, over time some religious beliefs can create habitual thought patterns that actually alter brain function, making it difficult for people to heal or grow."

    "The purveyors of religion insist that their product is so powerful it can transform a life, but somehow, magically, it has no risks. In reality, when a medicine is powerful, it usually has the potential to be toxic, especially in the wrong combination or at the wrong dose. And religion is powerful medicine!"

    Here is what I have known, but just couldn't articulate; the toxic dose of religion and its consequences.

    My other concern was the child's brain….and how we are born in captivity; that we don't get to mindfully choose a religion – we are saturated in it.  And the ultimate cost this has on the individual and their sense of self.  

    What is so frustrating, is that when you are talking to those who haven't left the church, is that due to their upbringing, you are speaking to someone who has been traumatized…whose view of the world is skewed; coming from whence they came.

     

     

    "In this discussion, we focus on the variants of Christianity that are based on a literal interpretation of the Bible. These include Evangelical and fundamentalist churches, the Church of Latter Day Saints, and other conservative sects. These groups share the characteristics of requiring conformity for membership, a view that humans need salvation, and a focus on the spiritual world as superior to the natural world. These views are in contrast to liberal, progressive Christian churches with a humanistic viewpoint, a focus on the present, and social justice."

     

    Religion Exploits Normal Human Mental Processes.

     

    "To understand the power of religion, it is helpful to understand a bit about the structure of the human mind. Much of our mental activity has little to do with rationality and is utterly inaccessible to the conscious mind. The preferences, intentions and decisions that shape our lives are in turn shaped by memories and associations that can get laid down before we even develop the capacity for rational analysis."

     

    "Aspects of cognition like these determine how we go through life, what causes us distress, which goals we pursue and which we abandon, how we respond to failure, how we respond when other people hurt us—and how we respond when we hurt them. Religion derives its power in large part because it shapes these unconscious processes: the frames, metaphors, intuitions and emotions that operate before we even have a chance at conscious thought."

     

    Some Religious Beliefs and Practices are More Harmful Than Others.

     

    "When it comes to psychological damage, certain religious beliefs and practices are reliably more toxic than others."

     

    "Janet Heimlich is an investigative journalist who has explored religious child maltreatment, which describes abuse and neglect in the service of religious belief. In her book, Breaking their Will,Heimlich identifies three characteristics of religious groups that are particularly prone to harming children. Clinical work with reclaimers, that is, people who are reclaiming their lives and in recovery from toxic religion, suggests that these same qualities put adults at risk, along with a particular set of manipulations found in fundamentalist Christian churches and biblical literalism."

     

    1) Authoritarianism,creates a rigid power hierarchy and demands unquestioning obedience. In major theistic religions, this hierarchy has a god or gods at the top, represented by powerful church leaders who have power over male believers, who in turn have power over females and children. Authoritarian Christian sects often teach that “male headship” is God’s will. Parents may go so far as beating or starving their children on the authority of godly leaders. A book titled, To Train Up a Child,by minister Michael Pearl and his wife Debi, has been found in the homes of three Christian adoptive families who have punished their children to death.

     

    2) Isolation or separatism,is promoted as a means of maintaining spiritual purity. Evangelical Christians warn against being “unequally yoked” with nonbelievers in marriages and even friendships. New converts often are encouraged to pull away from extended family members and old friends, except when there may be opportunities to convert them. Some churches encourage older members to take in young single adults and house them within a godly context until they find spiritually compatible partners, a process known by cult analysts as “shepherding.” Home schoolers and the Christian equivalent of madrassas cut off children from outside sources of information, often teaching rote learning and unquestioning obedience rather than broad curiosity.

     

    3) Fear of sin, hell, a looming “end-times” apocalypse, or amoral heathens binds people to the group, which then provides the only safe escape from the horrifying dangers on the outside. In Evangelical Hell Houses, Halloween is used as an occasion to terrify children and teens about the tortures that await the damned. In the Left Behind book series and movie, the world degenerates into a bloodbath without the stabilizing presence of believers. Since the religious group is the only alternative to these horrors, anything that threatens the group itself—like criticism, taxation, scientific findings, or civil rights regulations—also becomes a target of fear."

    What many will not even be able to bring in, IS the effects of being raised in the FALC or similar religions.  It definitely comes with a price tag on the human psyche. And you know nothing different.  It is the air you have been breathing since a very small child.   

    Here is more:

     

    Children are Targeted for Indoctrination Because the Child Mind is Uniquely Vulnerable.

     

    “Here I am, a fifty-one year old college professor, still smarting from the wounds inflicted by the righteous when I was a child. It is a slow, festering wound, one that smarts every day—in some way or another…. I thought I would leave all of that “God loves… God hates…” stuff behind, but not so. Such deep and confusing fear is not easily forgotten. It pops up in my perfectionism, my melancholy mood, the years of being obsessed with finding the assurance of personal salvation.”

     

    "Nowhere is the contrast of viewpoints more stark than in the secular and religious understandings of childhood. In the biblical view, a child is not a being that is born with amazing capabilities that will emerge with the right conditions like a beautiful flower in a well-attended garden. Rather, a child is born in sin, weak, ignorant, and rebellious, needing discipline to learn obedience. Independent thinking is dangerous pride."

     

    "Because the child’s mind is uniquely susceptible to religious ideas, religious indoctrination particularly targets vulnerable young children. Cognitive development before age seven lacks abstract reasoning. Thinking is magical and primitive, black and white. Also, young humans are wired to obey authority because they are dependent on their caregivers just for survival. Much of their brain growth and development has to happen after birth, which means that children are extremely vulnerable to environmental influences in the first few years when neuronal pathways are formed."

    "By age five a child’s brain can understand primitive cause-and-effect logic and picture situations that are not present. Children at this have a tenuous grip on reality. They often have imaginary friends; dreams are quite real; and fantasy blurs with the mundane. To a child this age, it is eminently possible that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and delivers presents if you are good and that 2000 years ago a man died a horrible death because you are naughty. Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, the Rapture, and hell, all can be quite real. The problem is that many of these teachings are terrifying."

    "For many years, one conversion technique targeting children and adolescents has been the use of movies about the “End Times.” This means a “Rapture” event, when real Christians are taken up to heaven leaving the earth to “Tribulation,” a terrifying time when an evil Antichrist will reign and the world will descend into anarchy."

    "When assaulted with such images and ideas at a young age, a child has no chance of emotional self-defense. Christian teachings that sound truewhen they are embedded in the child’s mind at this tender age can feel true for a lifetime. Even decades later former believers who intellectually reject these ideas can feel intense fear or shame when their unconscious mind is triggered."

    Harms Range From Mild to Catastrophic.

    "One requirement for success as a sincere Christian is to find a way to believe that which would be unbelievable under normal rules of evidence and inquiry. Christianity contains concepts that help to safeguard belief, such as limiting outside information, practicing thought control, and self-denigration; but for some people the emotional numbing and intellectual suicide just isn’t enough. In other words, for a significant number of children in Christian families, the religion just doesn’t “take.” This can trigger guilt, conflict, and ultimately rejection or abandonment."

    "Others experience the threats and fear too keenly. For them, childhood can be torturous, and they may carry injuries into adulthood."

    "Still others are able to sincerely devote themselves to the faith as children but confront problems when they mature. They wrestle with factual and moral contradictions in the Bible and the church, or discover surprising alternatives. This can feel confusing and terrifying – like the whole world is falling apart."

    Delayed Development and Life Skills.Many Christian parents seek to insulate their children from “worldly” influences. In the extreme, this can mean not only home schooling, but cutting off media, not allowing non-Christian friends, avoiding secular activities like plays or clubs, and spending time at church instead. Children miss out on crucial information– science, culture, history, reproductive health and more. When they grow older and leave such a sheltered environment, adjusting to the secular world can be like immigrating to a new culture. One of the biggest areas of challenge is delayed social development."

     

     

    It affirms what I have experienced and witnessed in so many who have left the church or as you speak to those still inside….

    There is a new term for it;

    "Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a new term, coined by Marlene Winell to name a recognizable set of symptoms experienced as a result of prolonged exposure to a toxic religious environment and/or the trauma of leaving the religion. It is akin to Complex PTSD, which is defined as ‘a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim’."

    "Though related to other kinds of chronic trauma, religious trauma is uniquely mind-twisting. The logic of the religion is circular and blames the victim for problems; the system demands deference to spiritual authorities no matter what they do; and the larger society may not identify a problem or intervene as in cases of physical or sexual abuse, even though the same symptoms of depression and anxiety and panic attacks can occur."

    This what a toxic dose of religion can do to a body, mind and soul.  

    "Religious trauma is difficult to see because it is camouflaged by the respectability of religion in culture. To date, parents are afforded the right to teach their own children whatever doctrines they like, no matter how heinous, degrading, or mentally unhealthy. Even helping professionals largely perceive Christianity as benign. This will need to change for treatment methods to be developed and people to get help that allows them to truly reclaim their lives."

     

    One of the most exasperating ideals is to see the toxicity of religion…when it is so protected and placed away from normal scrutiny.  It gets left to do as it will; under the auspices of faith.

    Who wants to question a church/religion and place themselves between God and servant?  To challenge their minds and what they believe and the cost of their ticket to heaven?   To show them that their religion not only has negative affects psychologically, it also has created the perfect victim for abuse, because of it.

    The circuitous flow is hard to disrupt…

    This is the why I have turned away from religion; I overdosed on it.

    The toxicity of the FALC is beyond what my mind can sometimes hold.

    I appreciate this article for helping to clarify what I know to be true….in my experience.  

    Thanks to my young friend, who like me….has left the church.  And, is trying to find balance and restore wholeness after being subjected to toxic doses of religion.

     

    IMG_5390
     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Accepting a new reality.

    About Forgiveness….from Brene Brown's book "Rising Strong".

    "Rumbling with Forgiveness"

    "I've been engaged in a full professional rumble with the concept of forgiveness for ten years.  It has been glaringly absent from my work and all of my books.  Why?  Because I couldn't get to saturation – I couldn't find a meaningful pattern in all of my data."

    "I got very close before I wrote "The Gifts, but right as the book was going to press, I did three interviews, and what I learned during those interviews fell completely outside the pattern.  Ordinarily, that would be fine: Most research methodologies allow for what we call outliers.  If there are one or two small exceptions in the data, that's okay as longs the majority fall within the pattern. In grounded theory, though, there can be no outliers. Every story matters, and for your hypothesis to be valid, all your categories and properties must fit, be revenant, and resonate with  your data. If something doesn't work, you're not there yet. It's incredibly frustrating , but sticking to this principle hasn't failed me yet."

    "Then, several years ago, I was at church listening to Joe talk about forgiveness.  He was sharing his experience of counseling a couple who were on the brink of divorce after the woman discovered that her husband was having an affair. They were both devoted by the potential end of their marriage, but she couldn't forgive him for betraying her, and he couldn't seem to forgive himself, either.  Joe looked up and said, "In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die.  If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt."

    "I instantly buried my head in my hands.  It was as if someone had finally put the right sequence of numbers into a giant combination lock that I had been carrying around for years. The tumblers started turning and falling into place. Everything was clicking.  That was the piece that was missing. Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief.  I had been looking for patterns in people extending generosity and love, but not in people feeling grief.  At that moment it struck me: Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving that the willingness to embrace grief in order to forgive. To be forgiven is to be loved."

    "The death or ending that forgiveness necessitates comes in many shapes and forms.  We many need to bury our expectations or dreams.  We many need to relinquish the power that comes from "being right" or put to rest the idea that we can do what's in our hearts and still retain the support and approval others.  Joe explained, "Whatever it is, it all has to go. It isn't good enough to box it up and set it aside.  It has to die. It has to be grieved. That is a high price indeed.  Sometimes, it's just too much."

    "I spent the next couple of years revising the data through this new lens of forgiveness, this time including an ending, and the grief associate with that ending. I recoded and reworked my research, did more interviewing, and read through the literature.  I wasn't surprised to find a growing number of empirical studies showing that forgiveness positively correlates with emotional, mental, and physical well-being. A strong and clear pattern was emerging. This pattern would be affirmed when I read The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Archbishop Desmond Tutut and his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu."

    "Archbishop Tutu served as the chair of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and Reverend Mpho Tutu an Episcopal Priest, is the executive director of Desmond & Leah Tutu Legacy Foundation.  The Book of Forgiving is one of the most important books I've ever read.  I honestly did not have the words to adequately describe it to people after I finished it.  It not only confirmed what I had learned about forgiveness from Joe, but also supported everything I learned about vulnerability, shame, courage, and the power of story.  The book outlines a forgiveness practice that includes telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship Archbishop Tutu writes:

    "To forgive is not just to be altruistic.  It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that doesn't exclude hatred or anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: The depth of your love is show by the extent of your anger."

    "However, when I talk of forgiveness, I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person.  A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred.  Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent the perpetrator.  If you can find it in yourself to forgive, then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person, too."  

    So, forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act; its the process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live. What the Tutus found in their work on forgiveness validates not just the importance of naming our experiences and owning our stories but also how rumbling with the process can lead to clarity, wisdom and self-love. So often we want easy and quick answers to complex struggles. We question our own bravery, and in the face of fear, we back down too early."  Brene 

     

    What I know to be true, in my experience, is this is forgiveness.  You are to literally sit with the loss and death of what was….and grieve.  It will then change OR renew relationships, and they might die.  This is a huge process to facilitate within yourself.

    This isn't what I was taught in the FALC religion…or in my childhood home.

    Imagine having this tool as a child and the freedom to use it?

    Imagine having it today…

    To me the great part of being sexual abused by someone you trust, and love, and are indebted to for food and shelter, is we are not able to end the relationship.

    We are instead forced to internalize our grief and carry on as if nothing traumatic has happened.

    It is the combination that destroys our soul.

    If you were abused by a stranger; you don't have to keep company with them….ever.

    The definition of Forgiveness above, is one that keeps reality real.  

    And, it empowers you….even if you have to face the grief accepting a new reality.

    IMG_5227

     

     

  • Say Your Name

    More from Brene Brown…. "Rising Strong"

    "Man in the Arena" by Theodore Roosevelt

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat; who strives valiantly;….who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

    "While there are really no hard-and-fast absolutes in my field, there are truths about shared experiences that deeply resonate with what we believe and know. For example, the Roosevelt quote that anchors my research on vulnerability and daring gave birth to three truths for me:

    "I want to be in the arena.  I want to be brave with my life.  And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can chose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time."

    "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; its having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."

    "A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we're defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable.  Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you're not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."  Brene

     

    This analogy best describes how I feel when I try to communicate with many folks from the FALC.   

    Not only are they in the cheap seats, many don't even use their names while commenting on the blogs. But, they are free to hurl feedback hiding behind an initial.

    It's no wonder I feel like I am laying on the arena floor dusty and spent….and look up to the cheap seats; which are hidden from my view and I am trying to do an authentic dialogue and it fails.  I forgot to remember; they haven't entered the arena floor. 

    I so love, that if you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked….your opinion doesn't count.  

    Say your name.

    Show your face.

    Be willing to be on the arena floor…..or be silent.

    The distance, and character, between those who have been on the floor, who use their real names, and those who are in the shadows is quite vast.

    Can there even be a real exchange under those circumstances?

    Don't we at the very least have to say our real name?

    Show up as ourself?

    Who are you if you can't enter the conversation about sexual abuse and religion without hiding yourself?

    I don't get this.

    I truly don't.

    Why is it, that you hide?

    To what end?

    And, while I and a few others stand on the floor of the arena, open and exposed, you feel the need to be in the shadows while criticizing our battles. 

    Can we really face abuse with faceless people?

    For the few who bring their faces…I respect you.

    And to the faceless ones; I am not interested in what you say…for how can I trust what you say, when I can't even see who you are.

    I believe our words are connected with our lives.

    If you disconnect your words from who you are….they are just words.

    To truly enter the arena of abuse; you have to say your name.

    IMG_5258

     

     

  • It is so.

    On Evelyn's blog,

     http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/

    I was told I was "Insulting".  It came as a surprise; but not so much.

    I had to look up the word "Insult" to see if my intentions fit the definition.

    "Speak to or treat with disrespect – or scornful abuse.   To affect offensively or damagingly."

    The conversation is about sexual abuse within the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church).

    How did I insult them?

    I am a past member.

    I was also victimized by sexual abuse while being a member.

    In my experiences, many (but not all) parishioners knew.

    No one contacted the police; upon knowing about a perpetrator (my father).

    My viewpoint is from here.

    And, it is insulting to (some) if not all, members.

    My 'sweeping' generalizations are affronting and off putting and are treated as false accusations.

    I have sat with this.

    They (most, but not all) don't like to be clumped together.

    So, I tried to see them as individuals; separately IN their beliefs.

    Trying to not lump them as one moving ameba.

    Here is what I know of their beliefs; for at one time I believed it to be so.

    Women are not allowed to;

    Use birth control

    Color their hair

    Paint their nails

    Wear make-up

    And, I am sure Tattoos are out.

    I lived by this ideology for 46 years.  The church (Beliefs) owned my body.  I believed it was a sin to do thee above.  It was many years after leaving the church that I realized I now owned my body.

    As far as I know; the women of the church still believe this to be true.

    Just this alone; makes them one.

    They all align themselves underneath these beliefs.

    Certainly there are other factors in their lives that are different….but, there are so many life controlling beliefs that create an image of being of one mind.

    To those who have had free will, where their bodies are concerned, this will seem madness.

    Another part of the belief system is controlling what the body does and where it goes….what is acceptable and what is not.

    I am guilty of seeing them as one large belief system, moving around under the control of consenting beliefs about their bodies and sins.

    So, not only are they told what they can and can't do with their bodies, they are also told where they can and cannot go.  Certainly, there are places that are neutral, but it is the idea, that they agree to being controlled.

    I know, that while under the spell of trying to remain sinless; they inadvertently become one.

    I am almost certain my sharing experiences of ill behavior was equally as insulting as making sweeping generalizations and keeping them in a group.

    I don't find that I am insulting them; but instead pointing out where they perhaps, are insulting themselves.

    I am not being disrespectful; but respecting their beliefs…and yet am told I am insulting them.

    I don't believe they know or are aware of their sameness and yet are.

    It is a sleight of hands…within their own minds.

    I literally tried to keep my end of the conversation about me and my experiences.  

    There is a saying about speaking and tossing paint out to see where it sticks.

    To me, those who rise rapidly in defense…the paint is sticking.

    My words struck a cord…somewhere.

    The second part of being told I insult folks was to look at what I was saying and how I could water it down to lessen the bite.

    Immediately, I felt that to make them appear kinder….would water down my experiences.  It would be to disrespect me; or insult my truths.

    Purposefully and for the sake of their 'comfort'.

    I won't.

    Here is the dilemma the members of this church (most) are facing.  If the truth about abuse and the lack of reporting etc are too insulting to hear….how can they change what they don't acknowledge?

    It appears they have no troubles finding fault in me, my delivery, my recounting, and the way I see most members.

    I am insulting; not that abuse within the church is.

    When faced with the challenges…I feel I have lost the battle.

    The battle being to have adults step up to help the children.

    What am I supposed to do or say, when they quickly attack the messenger.

    It stuns and amazes me the antics of the wily mind.

    Another part of the discussion that has me at a disadvantage, is that most; but not all, don't use their names.  Some a first name, many just their initial. 

    It is to be in a roomful of people who can see me; but I can only see a few, the rest have their faces blacked out.  I don't know to whom I am speaking or by whom I am being called insulting.

    This discussion, I feel doesn't even get to leave the gate…for it is stalled by their unwillingness to welcome the truth no matter how it walks through.

    I left it saying perhaps they need someone with a gentle kind manner to deliver the goods.

    But deep in my bones, I know it isn't me….personally.  It is what I am carrying.

    I made a quilt today.

    A Peace on Earth, Quilt….and before I could walk away….I felt the words were missing something.

    IMG_5159

    They were. 

    IMG_5172

    "To Me."

    "Peace on Earth to Me…."

    IMG_5161

    If each of us were to keep peace inside of us; we would have a peaceful world.

    To do this for me, I must honor me.  

    My past

    My feelings

    My truth as I know it.

    How will watering it down save a child?

    How will making the church kinder and sweeter be of use….when, in my experience it isn't so.

    This is, what I believe they(many) are doing; in hopes that if they believe in the kindness of its members….abuse will walk away.

    Sadly, it isn't abuse that walks away. Abuse stays; while good intentioned people are not believed, called insulting…etc.

    You all are together within the church…who is in there with you?

    IMG_5173

    Certainly, I who is on the outside….isn't doing the abuse inside.  The harm isn't coming from outside of this religion…

    It is inside…and I, on the outside, am trying to tell you it is so.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Seem kinder….

    Why do I feel invited and wanted; when a blog post talks about abuse within the families of the FALC?  Why do I feel they want to hear what those of us who have been abused, have to say.  Words about their faith and their non-actions?  Even as I type "non-actions" I know they will jump and attack this.

    They attack any words or suggestions that shine a negative light upon their church; faith and its members.

    How can you have a dialogue about a negative subject and its neglect by so many and not speak in terms that are not favorable.

    What I feel they want the most is to discuss abuse within the church, but to leave the church and its teachings and its people alone.

    This rang a bell of familiarity this morning, in regards to my family.

    Meaning, how can we discuss freely, the abuse WITHIN the family and not dissect and tear apart the family?  

    This is the trouble with abuse when it happens within families and friends and within families that belong to the same religion.  

    There is little room to navigate this subject IF you can't talk about the very problem and its source.

    Just sit with the fact that they are seeking to break the silence about abuse within the churches families….but let's not speak unkindly.  

    I was expected to stand against abuse; but not family.

    How, when abuse happened within the family.

    This is the same strong negative wall that arises when you are trying to discuss abuse within the families of the church.   They are not open to criticisms in any way, shape or form. But let's discuss….

    Really?

    And sadly, the one who is trying to show the evidence, the proof and their failures IS the one who is attacked.  I have had years of this already….do I truly need more?

    Why do I put myself in the position to be attacked for speaking out?

    The answer is the child who is still a child in this system.

    I don't want to be the silent compliant adult, who knew and did nothing.

    And yet, I can see and feel the pressure of how resistant they still are.

    And, of course I am lumping them all together when only a small segment has spoken.

    But when I enter into the arena where there is an attempt to open the door upon abuse; the responses are so similar….between the opposing parties.  That is why I guess, I say "they" and "all".   

    My brother did a blog post in 2011, September in fact….and his frustrations of meeting this resistance is so eloquently worded. And Felt.  

    It shows our caring and trying and our failing.

    http://messyguru.typepad.com/messy_guru/2011/09/waiting-for-dorthy-to-call.html

    Failing….to get the kind folks of the church to believe enough to rise and organize and revolt; for the children.

    Unless and until you try and elicit movement from members, you won't truly know the strength of their resistance. The questions they fail to ask and the things they focus on.  It is mind boggling at best and completely tiring at least.  

    Yet, what keeps me coming back are the children that hang in the balance.  

    Are we traveling down a road that will open up one day….or is it a brick wall I am beating myself against?

    Sometimes I wonder if my silence would have been more beneficial….but it seems I am unable to sit by in silence…when abuse and the FALC are mentioned.

    This is a trigger for me.

    I want to be part of the movement for change…to be the voice of the voiceless to give a hand to the children who are still in harms way.  

    There appears to be a very narrow road filled with land mines as we dare to break the silence.

    What I feel most will want, is for things to remain the same; but change. For their religion to come out unscathed….while the monsters are taken out.

    How?

    Is it possible to remove the father and still have a complete family?

    Can you poke about in a religion to sew up its holes and not insult someone?

    For today…the discussion has yet come to terms as what we can do different. All I have met with so far is what I can do different.  I can speak kinder and not make broad assumptions, I can do this and that….

    I have to change and the perhaps the churches families will seem kinder…

     

    IMG_4998

     

     

  • Too Much to Lose.

    What I should have known, but didn't, is that a person will only hear, if he has nothing to lose.

    It isn't the power of our words, nor the facts of reality; but literally how what we say impacts their world.  What will it cost them to hear us.

    What part of their world will end?

    What person's imagine will shift and change?

    What will it then require of them to bring it in?

    I am exchanging words on a blog and noticed how confrontational the conversation becomes when I bring up sexual abuse and the FALC in the same sentence.  

    However, when I have spoken of my sexual abuse and the FALC with folks who are not in this faith…the flow is completely different.

    My story doesn't change, the facts don't change, the people don't change….but the listener is different.

    The sentiment of the original blog, was to bring up the subject of sexual abuse within the families of the FALC, and to also challenge its members to act.   

    Through the commentary on the comments…you can see the steep hill that will be needed to start making a difference.

    I am not sure what will mobilize them; for there isn't a stir towards the victims, but much action towards defending the church and its people.

    What I am also so amazed by, when we mention abusers in the church, no one asks for names….locations etc.

    Now, if there was a murmur of a teacher in a school district that their child attended, you would see a riot erupt.

    Isn't it so fascinating how the mind works.  How it knows what will affect your life, what will change your world and the cost of truth entering in.  And, it will put up a righteous fight to keep your world unchanged.

    I didn't know that in order to have an open mind, you have to be willing to lose it all.

    Or, have nothing left to lose.

    Our minds hear, not our ears.  It isn't the truth itself that matters.  It isn't the content, or the precise facts; but rather what we personally will lose if we were to hear, hear, hear what a victim has to say.

    Or, not even a victim. 

    A friend…who can see clearer; because they have nothing to lose to see your truth.

    Our minds create our worlds over reality.

    I know, that I personally, had a completely different view of my whole life.  There was very little that touched reality; yet I believed in it wholeheartedly.  

    Someone suggested I seek therapy.  

    I would suggest they seek reality.

    The greatest therapy that I have had, is the lessons of bringing my mind into reality.

    You have to be willing to lose it all, in order to gain the incredible thrilling and brilliantly devastating reality.

    Once you walk with reality; you will not settle for the world the mind creates.

    My ears have an open mind…and I have learned to lose with grace; to reality.

    IMG_4946

    Some may say I am black and white; that I don't know where the grey areas are.  All I know is what is reality and what is not.

    Who has an ear willing to hear…

    And, who has too much to lose.

    IMG_4984

     

  • From Whence I Came.

    From "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert…

    "Motives"

    "Oh, and here's another thing: You are not required to save the world with your creativity."

    "Your art not only doesn't have to be original, in other words; it doesn't have to be important."

    "For example: Whenever anybody tells me that they want to write a book in order to help other people, I always think, Oh please don't."

    "Please don't try to help me."

    "I mean, it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don't make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls. (It reminds me of this wonderful adage from the British columnist Katharine Whitehorn: "You can recognize the people who live for others by the haunted look on the faces of the others.") I would so much rather you wrote a book in order to entertain yourself than to help me.  Or if your subject matter is darker and more serious, I would prefer that you made your art in order to save yourself, or to relieve yourself of some great psychic burden, rather than to save or relieve us."

    "I once wrote a book in order to save myself. I wrote a travel memoir in order to make sense of my own journey and my own emotional confusion. All I was trying to do with that book was figure myself out.  In the process, though, I wrote a story that apparently helped a lot of other people figure themselves out – but that was never my intention.  If  I'd just sat down to write Eat Pray Love with the sole aim of helping others, I would've produced an entirely different book. I might have even produced a book that was insufferably unreadable. (Okay, okay…Admittedly a lot of critics found  Eat Pray Love insufferably unreadable as it was – but that's not my point: My point is that I wrote that book for my own purposes, and maybe that's why it felt genuine, and ultimately even helpful to many readers.)   Elizabeth…

     

    I understand this and it makes great sense.

    I love that I am not responsible to help others with this blog OR with my art.

    Although to be honest, I did want to go public with my journey so that others would see they were not alone…and in hopes it would help someone.  For, at the time I was so confused, there wasn't anyone writing about this experience that I was going through.

    I have tried to help, and write with helping in mind.

    But, now I know why some of my greatest writings are when I am trying to just figure me out.  It is for my own selfish purpose.

    When I am doing my art…it is all about me.

    On rare occasion I try and make it a viable message….and those fail.

    My best pieces of Art, are those that I don't even understand until years later.

    There is a burden when doing anything for others….if it is just that sole purpose; if you are not enjoying the doing of it.

    This was great for me to read tonight as the discussion on another blog is taking on the issue of sexual abuse in the church….or the families of the church.

    I often write my comments as 'helping' and I am sure they feel heavy.

    I will have to watch how I interact and the reasons why.

    I should be able to discern this by how I feel.

    If it flows freely and I am not trying to help or teach; but express me….it should feel and be genuine, and less burdensome to others.

    Often I am learning more about myself as I respond and ponder and reflect at who I was prior to discovering my own sexual abuse.

    The two lives are so completely different.

    As I try and talk to the women who are walking where I once walked….I will have to find a way to talk; for I am talking to Me in my Past.

    I truly don't know what the tone will be; what I can say or how…that will connect us.

    Is there a place for us to stand….a piece of ground that overlaps.

    A common place where the old me and this new one can meet?

    Something we both have in common?

    What part of me now is the same as the old me?

    Nothing comes to mind.

    My free spirit and my caged self….

    The sleeping and the awakened.

    IMG_4935_2

    My frustrations lie in not having a common road; a place for us to meet…a language we both can hear…and be heard.

    Who I am today is like a free soul; unburdened…because I can see.

    I stand with my truths…even the ugliest I embrace.

    It is like I am still the same me; but one that sees all of me and loves her.

    The old me didn't see much.  Okay, didn't see myself.

    At all.

    How would I have been able to help another see; if I myself was blind?

    A person born into captivity has no trouble with their cage.

    You can't see something wrong when wrong has been your normal.

    It is a miracle that I am who I am today….coming from whence I came.

    IMG_4966

    "Relax, you are not in charge…."

  • The Child in Me.

    Isn't it so telling, that there are two sides, when we speak  about abuse within the families of a strict religion?  

    From a church community whose lives portray high morals and values and yet, when it comes to 'breaking the silence' about abuse…the silence is deafening.

    Many of these same members will pull children out of classrooms, will stalk teachers about their curriculum and yet, when a evil entity enters their family and abuses their children.  Silence.

    How is it that they can be so outspoken to spare their child from learning about different concepts in life and be so quiet when it comes to expressing the sins, failings, crimes among the folks on the pews?

    Is there a double standard for those outside of the church, compared to inside?

    Is there also a different bar set for those inside the family….like no bar at all. Any kind of behavior is acceptable…and the mother will not explode in an outcry of what is 'good' for her child.

    I just am confounded and amazed at the double lives so many lead.

    How dare they be outraged at a child watching a movie and be okay with Uncle, Father, brother, son so and so, molesting a child.  I know, again, there will be outrage for my wording here.  I get it.

    What you all don't know or fail to remember IS THAT I WAS YOU.

    I lived in complete denial for 46 years.

    I too tried to shelter my children from the 'sins of the world' while allowing my child to be friendly with a pedophile, who's my father.  I get it.

    I had fear set deep in my bones about my father and I denied my body….and instead choose to keep sweet with the family.

    I was you.

    I am not just spouting off without experience.

    I am trying to awaken you to what I too didn't know and what no one spoke to me about.

    I have spoken to many women within in the church and some from other strict churches and it is like there is a wall called "belief" or "Faith" that stands in the way of action.

    They are waiting for it to be okay to tell.

    Waiting for the climate in the church to be okay with speaking up and taking actions.

    They know their child has been abused.

    They know, they were abused.

    They also know, if they speak of a sin that has been washed away….they become a sinner.

    Their faith holds them back.

    Their faith keeps them silent; complaint in order to arrive at heaven's gate one day.

    Their own personal future is standing in the way.

    And, more often than not, their own abuse has limited their ability to see abuse; for it will mean to deal with their own.

    The list is long and entangled; between religion, their faith and abuse….albeit repressed or too afraid to address it for it will mean grave changes within their family.

    There are also those folks who don't want to fully bring in evil into their sacred religion and faith.  It is their belief, that the evil has been washed away in the sea of grace and it isn't something that they can now take to the Law of the Land, or put up a boundary against.

    I too used to believe in this magical forgiveness.  Only to find all that I forgave lingered on and had a life of its own.  The sins were who they were, not an anomaly.

    The false belief is that the abuser 'can't help themselves' and the teachings of the church is that the body has sinful needs.  Removing all blame and responsibility from the sinner and giving it to the one who was the victim of this sin.

    I know, that there are minor sins….but the belief that even the most evil among us are to be forgiven is where pedophiles fall through the crack and flourish.

    There are two sides.  Denial and the Honest truth.

    Just knowing we butt heads; means we are not on the same page.

    Where can we stand in agreement?

    What is up for scrutiny?

    Is it possible to lay down your faith and would you?

    It wasn't until a small child echoed my experience of abuse with my father that my eyes and ears opened.  

    I was no longer unaware.

    What can I do or say to elicit the same response?

    Is there anything to convince a person against their will?

    And isn't the actions of folks in denial the very content of denial?

    Perhaps I speak for the child in me…

    IMG_4968

  • Bring a Child Peace

    Each time the topic of sexual abuse arises within families of the FALC (first apostolic lutheran church), the first line of defense is "the church isn't to blame for the failings of individuals"…

    It is like they can't bear to have their church lumped in with the abusive families….even IF the abusive families are members.  

    Even if the foundation of the churches teachings go hand and hand with the agenda of the perpetrators.

    The core belief is the "forgiveness of sins" and each time this subject comes up, there is one in the crowd who will remind us "there isn't a sin to big to forgive" or "all sins are to be forgiven".   Meaning, we will serve the abuser our forgiveness of the evil act he/she has done.

    Secondly, the churches rules for women in particular is that their bodies are not their own.  They are unable to do with them as they please…for to do so is a sin.

    Each family within the church structures their lives and homes to echo the teachings of the church….and yet when abuse enters, they want to sever the church from the sins.

    If I felt to the depth of my being that the morals and values of the church honored and respected women and children, I would be less critical of the church when addressing abuse by its members.

    It is my belief that most members of the church are 100% Christian. That their goal in life is to be compliant to the church at all costs.  Even the cost of innocent lives.

    I know this will enrage and insult many.

    I also know, that children within the church are suffering in silence due to this very strong belief among its members.

    Their faith is first.

    Always.

    No matter what.

    How dare you even attempt to smear its reputation.

    Reputation for what, I ask?

    We (those inside and outside of the church) need to start a constructive dialogue, but each time we begin, we are shut down.

    The double edged sentiment that they are for the children is so hard to see and believe, when the first thing they defend is the church.

    Is it possible to lay the church down and talk about abuse?

    Is it possible to put aside the forgiveness of sins and talk about who did what to whom?

    Is it possible for women who have been subjected to limited freedom to now stand up and walk and talk with courage?

    The biggest hurdle is for them to lay down their faith and put aside their beliefs to enter into the arena of sexual abuse.

    To see clearly and hear horrific truths about the members of their church.  Can they?

    Members of their families…extended families, folks they share a pew with each Sunday.

    Will they place the title "Christian" on the ground and see the monsters?

    My mother, EVEN after seeing her husband in an orange jumpsuit, STILL didn't want to hear about her husband; different than her ideal of him.

    Denial is running rampant.

    And, in my experience, the forgiveness of sins is a major contributor….for it wipes away reality so the abuser once again is a clean christian man/woman.

    In order for the voices of the abused to be heard, the church and its agenda has to be set aside.  And, knowing this, makes it a huge fence that allows the abusers to abuse un-seen and un-reported.

    Imagine?

    When a victim of sexual abuse comes forth, will a church member hear or only defend their faith?

    We the victims know what is important by what you defend.

    When you come out of the gate with words of not wanting your church to be equal to the 'failings' of its members….

    Faith wins and Victims lose.

    Abusers wins and the abused lose.

    And you cannot in good conscience say you are against abuse.

    You are against anyone 'trashing' your church based upon the sins of its members.

    Oh, and another thing, once I am again upon the soap box.

    To say "abuse is everywhere, in every neighborhood and church…." 

    To 'lessen' the impact that has when found in the christian families….incites me.

    For sure the FALC doesn't own the sole market on abuse; but its numbers are staggering.  Incredible the lineage of families that have abuse weaved into their legacy.

    And, if you understood the perfect climate for abuse, the church ranks very very high, due to is strict rules and lack of freedom for its member…plus that nifty wiping away mechanism for sins.

    The Old Apostolic church "Elder Board" just recently told its members that it is "okay" to report abuse to the law.

    Yes, that's right.

    Has the FALC done the same?  Is it in the Greetings of Peace?

    Just as you can't bear a discussion where your church/faith and beliefs are questioned, I can't find a way to discuss this without including it.

    Hence the silences.

    Who is willing to give up their long held beliefs for the sake of a child?

    Oh, and here is the link to a blog that started this….

    http://travelingev.com/2015/10/repressed-memories-of-sexual-abuse/#comment-10806

     

    When you think of God's peace….think of what would bring a child peace.