I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Parents Call Family.

    I came across this paragraph in "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatte. 

    "Codependents are indirect. We don't say what mean, we don't mean what we say.  We don't do this on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and stand for ourselves. An alcoholic (abusive) parent or spouse will be glad to teach these rules; we have been too willing to learn and accept them." MB

    Communicating poorly was taught to us.

    To NOT communicate how we felt was demanded of us, expected of us.  This was dictated by the abusive parent who needed us to not mention how their behavior felt to us.  Or god forbid, speak of it to another person, share our experience, express our feelings… and communicate about abuse.  

    Even the spouse of the abuser will follow the rules.  They too will not talk about the 'problems' and the child then has no adult to which he/she can communicate directly.  

    Direct communication becomes extinct.

    If you communicate directly to these such folks, (abusers and their partners) you will be snuffed out, silenced, tossed to the curb, annihilated from their lives.  They will easily get rid of you so as not to hear a direct communication about a 'problem'.

    Their problem, their abusive behavior, their cover up, their lack of paying attention, their lack of doing nothing, their lacks in allowing abuse to continue on.  They certainly don't want to hear about it OR how it has affected the lives of so many and how it is now trickling down into the next generation. 

    Abuse has its own island, and while we were born upon that island, we can't tell anyone what happened there, how we lived, who was there and what happened…it is like we fell from the sky, but not raised in abuse. 

    Yet we spent the first 18 years of our lives there…and it is as if 'nothing' happened.  As if our early years are meaningless.  Our parents don't want to know that they indeed left a permanent scar

    Our battle scars are wounds that go unhealed, for the very thing we need to heal is forbidden.  We are not allowed treatment.

    Imagine, one parent wounds you and the other refuses to treat you…a child is left on the island unable to communicate, or it will be tossed out to sea, the sea of estrangement.

    And guess what, it matters not how many years pass on, whether you are now married with children, IF you ever dare speak of your life on the Island of Abuse, you will be banished…

    Many feel it is better to live among those on the Island and speak indirectly and without meaning, than to speak their truth and fall into the sea.

    Those are our two damn choices. 

    Pick one.

    The sea of estrangement brought me back to me.

    I still see the Island and hear about the Islanders, their parties and their lives…and in the early days of swimming alone, I longed to go back, but each and every time I considered it, I knew that I would have to leave the new me behind.

    The rules on the Island forbade the use of direct communication or expression of ones feelings or to discuss problems.  If I were to go back, I go back as a voiceless, choiceless, indirect and meaning not what I say girl.  I can't.

    Once you get used to swimming in the sea of freedom and truth, it is impossible to be happy on the Island of Abuse.  

    Which I know is why many parents are scared spit-less for their children to speak up and be direct, for it means they are heading to the open sea…and when they get a taste of being free, they will never return to the dark Island of Abuse. 

    One that the parents call family.

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  • Dream it differently.

    It seems like life can be broken down into two categories; those who are dream weavers about reality and those who walk right down the middle of reality.  

    I have lived both ways…and know that the dream weavers are not aware that they are not in reality or that their dream isn't real.  They have been sucked into the dream from the time they were very little and all their love and security lies within the dream…and reality is harsh and bitter, cold and uncomfortable, if leaves no room for dreams.

    Did you know that only those of us who have been abused or NOT allowed to live naturally and organically as a Spiritual Being on a human journey, build dreams. 

    Only those of us with a harsh reality build a dream above it.

    We live there NOT because we are dreamers, but because it hurts too much to live in reality.  The deeper the dream…the harsher reality.

    As a child it would have been too painful to know that my father hurt me and my mother didn't care.  I had to paint a better picture, and I did….and then I got so lost from reality, that I lived the picture instead.

    It isn't a Conscious thought, it is the natural survival mechanism…to go into your mind to escape reality.  

    I lived there for 46 years in a picture about reality and then one day a little girl spoke my truth and I heard it.  

    I heard that voice say what I recognized and it didn't match the picture I had in my mind, but it matched the feelings in my body.

    I was then catapulted out of the picture and was immediately immersed in a life that was full of strangeness and horror, but it felt completely right.

    There is no point in arguing with folks who are living their lives in the dream state, who find it too painful to step into reality…you literally can't reach them.  

    They don't want us to be part of the dream. And in fact we will awaken them to the dream they are living.  I believe their minds are quick to shut us down and toss us out, the quicker the better, for you are ruining their dreams.

    It was extremely painful and exhilarating to awaken from the dream I had created, and be doused with reality's icy cold awareness, but it clearly saved my soul.

    I believe that my picture shell was cracking prior to the big shatter; that I had begun to get disenfranchised by it all, I was no longer totally believing in the dream…yet not ready or totally comfortable about leaving the picture behind.  In fact, I had wondered how I would be able to do that which I longed for.

    I had started to doubt the church and wondered how to get out.

    I had started to resent my mother more and more.

    I had yearned to be free to just be me…a different me, a Lighter me, a me that wasn't so bogged down by others.  Yet I had no clue how to do it.  Where to begin???

    I had backed up from church and even being involved fully in family. Even if I arrived at the functions, I had begun to look at things differently.

    I was ripe for the change when the drama hit.  I was perfectly cured to popping out.  I had had it.  I was tired of the life I was living, it no longer inspired me…it instead felt completely draining.  It was hard to live as me.  I was done.  I just didn't know how to live diferently, what I wanted or even how or where to begin.

    And like the magic of the Universe and the stars all lined up.  I was ready to leave and the opportunity arose…when the truth knocked this time, I answered the door.

    It was no accident in my life, no tragedy, but a longed for escape…a doorway to the truth.

    What I didn't understand at the time, was that I was waking up in my life.

    I wasn't tired of living, of was tired of not living my truth.  My picture making energies were quickly drying up…I was exhausted.

    I wonder if depression really is losing the ability to keep a picture going?

    It seems totally and utterly implausible to believe that you can paint a pretty picture and fully and completely believe in it….but I did.

    However, once it begins to crack and fall apart, you will have to paint even harder to keep the picture going.  I literally lost all my power to create something out of nothing.  When my father's crimes came around once again…I didn't try to dream it differently.

     

  • Living Vicariously.

    In the last blog post about Authoritarian child rearing…where the child is taught to listen to the parent, always…and forget how IT feels and how the parents are not open to a new way of seeing the world, PERHAPS from the child's eyes…leads to the greatest downfall of human kind; The separation from your own feelings…your truth.

    And actually, it isn't that we are separated from them, but we are taught to disregard them.  And in the disregarding of your own feelings, you are raised to live BY the feelings of others.

    Instead of a seeing eye dog to lead the blind around, we are given a Feeling Like I, person that we follow.

    We are taught NOT to use the wonderful instrument called the human body, but to disassociate from it….and hop on the backs of someone else's feelings and live from there.

    Living vicariously through their lives.

    I had to look up the definition of Vicarious….

    indirectly, as, by, or through a substitute; "she enjoyed the wedding vicariously". 

    Imagine, we are taught to live Indirectly and not directly in our own lives.

    I spent 46 vicarious years on the backs of my parents, my church, my friends…you name them and I was there in their lives…contributing and giving to make their lives 'happier' or whatever, meanwhile, I was nowhere to be found in my own.

    I was substituting their life for my own.

    When we are raised to not be directly with our feelings, we are then taught to not feel, that which we feel and to give up our feelings for the sake and happiness of another's feelings.

    We are brought up to live outside of our own bodies…and it doesn't help when we are abused, for in that moment too, it isn't about our feelings, but the feelings and needs of our abusers.  We assume this is life as usual, for our feelings have never mattered.  

    How is sexual abuse different from physical or verbal, when our feelings don't matter?

    Abuse compounds the authoritarian parenting style.

    Or perhaps, abuse is the outcome of trying to hijack another life and make it your own.  

    My demeanor was very dark as I mothered as an authoritarian…I was stealing lives just as my mother did.  Raiding their feelings to make me feel better.  Insanity and incredibly selfish.

    The only reason I let go of being the Authoritarian, is that I learned what I had the authority over….Abuse.

    My power, my control, my high handedness was all to keep abuse flowing freely and protecting and pouring loving feelings into a dark pit…a vortex of unending demand.

    I was a key player in keeping the Play called Family alive and when in reality, it wasn't family, it was abuse.  

    So, I had taken the same power and control and worked it sadistic magic to steal my children's feelings, hijacking them to make me feel good, just as I was taught as a child.  And we called this love.

    It was only when I seen the Reality Play and the Characters without the masks I was continually providing, did I stop acting.

    It was my acting that kept this all alive…I acted differently than I felt.  I acted in ways that made my parents smile, made them happy, even if it was allowing abuse. 

    Once I seen what the script I was reading from was really doing, I was horrified.  It wasn't about a loving family, it was all choreographed to keep a pedophile operating.

    By Acting against my feelings and by keeping the family script going, I was not seeing or feeling what was really going on…and in doing so, was blind to the abuse.

    What still haunts me is the depth of my blindness and the breadth of my believability…how naively I was born upon this stage and began speaking in double speak, going the opposite direction of my feelings.

    And in doing so, gave me a life that was the opposite of reality.

    I am now an authoritarian about my feelings.

    I live directly with them and will not stray away from how they feel.

    If you can't be direct with how you feel, most likely you are living vicariously.

     

     

  • Authoritarian Lifestyle.

    ‎‎"Since authoritarian parents are always right, there is no need for their children to rack their brains in each case to determine whether what is demanded of them is right or not. And how is this to be judged? Where are the standards supposed to come from if someone has always been told what was right and what was wrong and if he never had an opportunity to become familiar with his own feelings and if, beyond that, attempts at criticism were unacceptable to the parents and thus were too threatening for the child? If an adult has not developed a mind of his own, then he will find himself at the mercy of the authorities for better or worse, just as an infant finds itself at the mercy of its parents. Saying no to those more powerful will always seem to threatening to him". Alice Miller ~ For Your Own GoodSince authoritarian parents are always right, there is no need for their children to rack their brains in each case to determine whether what is demanded of them is right or not. And how is this to be judged? Where are the standards supposed to come from if someone has always been told what was right and what was wrong and if he never had an opportunity to become familiar with his own feelings and if, beyond that, attempts at criticism were unacceptable to the parents and thus were too threatening for the child? If an adult has not developed a mind of his own, then he will find himself at the mercy of the authorities for better or worse, just as an infant finds itself at the mercy of its parents. Saying no to those more powerful will always seem to threatening to him". Alice Miller ~ For Your Own Good

    "Since authoritarian parents are always right, there is no need for their children to rack their brains in each case to determine whether what is demanded of them is right or not…is the sentence that struck me.  So, in homes like these the children are ALWAYS wrong.

    Imagine what this does to the self-esteem of the child and how voiceless they are. And if they always succumb to the power of authority, they will never get the chance to be on their own.

    And this is another way we lose our connections to our feelings, IF they are always 'wrong' we no longer trust them.  Instead we trust what the authoritarians are saying….and God Forbid we dare criticise…for we have been taught IT is not acceptable.

    The children of the FALC are mostly raised this way…in fact the parents of the church bow down to the power of authority (Ministers) and the rules of the church. And they then power over their children expecting them to act like they do….

    Being without connections to their feelings…and instead do as the authoritarians tell them to do.  A cycle of no one daring to criticize, for Only the ones in power are right.

    And within this system child abuse occurrs and it is so easy, for the children have been primed to do so…by simply being born into this authoritarian lifestyle.

     

  • What we sow, we Reap

    As the Justice System continues to fail, we are asked or challenged not to fail reality. 

    The Justice System takes an action and reduces it, like it is a magic maker, like it can take something that was done and undo it a little or a lot, to go easy on the 'first' time offender.  When we can't know that.  It may be the First Time Caught Offender.

    The Justice System we believe is for the victim, that the victim will see her perpetrators 'pay' for what they did, and in the end, nothing happens.  

    We have been told to leave it in the hands of Justice, when the hands of justice are incapable of seeing the crime and staying the course, in fact people have jobs that are based on reducing actions to aggravated assault, in changing a rape to be sentenced like a punch.

    They literally get paid to see that the crime isn't accounted for.

    The Court of the Land is set up to support the offenders, it has them 'innocent' until proven guilty, but does its best to NOT see reality, by reducing and plea bargaining down…in the end it proves them more innocent than guilty.  And while they do this, we the victims remain more guilty and less innocent. We are still damaged no matter what.

    Wouldn't it be nice if the victim could have plea bargained down the crime, to reduce the rape to just a slap on the face?  Wouldn't a slap from a 'friend' hurt just as bad?  We were not given the option then or now.

    I know the parents of the girl and even the parents of one boy, and I am not an objective bystander, for I have great sympathies for the girl…for the one who couldn't reduce her pain to a lesser degree, IT was forced upon her.

    Reality always stands strong in her world.

    What I have learned from walking the walk of Un-Reality that the Justice System guides you on, is that it isn't the final word on these boys or families; the Universe or God balances all slates.

    While the court of the land and those who get paid to turn rape into slaps, feel that they have the power, they have only a surface level power, a false sense of balancing the sheets.

    The Universe pays no never mind to what the court of the land is doing, what the 'Blessings' of the church is doing, the Universe knows the score and can't help but give back to them what they sow.

    We are not responsible for their punishment, it is not our job.

    Each boy has to live with what he did and if he didn't catch the lesson, another one is headed his way.  He may not learn this time, but no worries, his life will teach him in a million ways about what he has done.

    While the father feels rage and wanting to balance the scales, all it would do is add more evil to an already evil situation.  

    What makes more sense to me is to see them for who they are and tell the world.  Act like they are rapists, even if the law wants us to see only aggragated assault, see the rape.  Know that they have energies inside of them that hurts girls.

    We are challenged not to change our minds as the law did.

    We are challenged not to delete away their actions.

    We are challenged to walk in reality and stand with the girl's truth.

    Unlike animals we Force ourselves to not see and not respond to the evil we experienced, to reduce it to a lesser degree and continue on as if nothing has happened.

    What messes most with the psyche and minds of victims IS that life continues on unchanged, when their whole world fell apart.

    We see the law of the land reduce and change and return the boys to a 'normal' life, while clearly their actions are screaming something is wrong with me.

    And there is something wrong with us if we too don't get their message. We too are held responsible for our responses. Are we treating them like hurt people?  Like someone who needs to be removed from society?  Or, will you 'forgive' and see them as normal.

    What another great example of why evil continues on with so many knowing.  There is no one connected to this case that doesn't understand and know that multiple rapes occurred, and yet with money and pleas, and a "No Contest" decree all that happens is 30 days in jail, but AFTER Christmas.

    Did you all know, that "No Contest" means guilty? But there are other added bonus attached…some may be that the Injured Party can't sue for damages etc.

    It is all a word game and exchange of words and sadly the meanings don't follow.  For no matter what you call the action, the action stands unchanged.  You simply can't reduce an action after it already happened.

    Reducing reality is only done in the minds of those who believe it can happen, but it changes nothing in reality. 

    Insanity is believing you can.

    What is so tragic is that the girl gets left with an insane reaction to a real crime.  

    When the law of the land responds this way, what recourse are you left with?

    At some point we will catch on that changing reality with words doesn't work…it isn't supporting the victims, but it works really slick on the offenders.  

    Why do they get a second chance and a clean slate, when she doesn't?  

    She only gets one reality….One Verse of what happened, she isn't allowed to change it.  Nor can we.

    We only can think it different than it was.

    We can each tell a story, but reality moves on unchanged.

    Reality is supported by the power of Universe, never underestimate its balancing sheet, it is impeccable….it is the all seeing and the all knowing.

    All we have to focus on is our own slate…what we sow, we reap.

     

  • Make Things Disappear.

    "It seemed that the great tragedy of human life had always been that the psyche is so easily deceived; discord and strife have been the inevitable consequences of mankinds inability to distinguish the false from the true."  David Hawkins

    It is the greatest tragedy of all that our psyche is so easily deceived, and that we put stock in our psyche instead of the signals within our own bodies…we fail to appreciate the incredible living organism of truth we reside in.

    The fundamentals of the FALC's doctrine to Bless away actions and BELIEVE it to have disappeared, is this tragedy at work.  It is preached and demonstrated time and time again…literally leading folks to deceive their psyche, which leaves the child living in a land of discord and strife.

    You truly are left with a totally screwed up psyche, and this messed up psyche is where you base your truths…Not in Reality.

    What just leaves me breathless, is that the children's psyche is easily deceived, and they are born into a system that relies on this, and they never can bow out gracefully into reality.

    Within the confines of the church and its pews, having a totally messed up psyche is seen as being a 'good' christian…but when it bumps into the law of the land or outside of the bricks and mortar, it is seen as crazy, nuts, certifiably insane.

    If our psyche wasn't so easily deceived, there would be no religion.

    What is so tragic to me in religious dysfunctional families is that God is portrayed as one of the psyche ruining machines. That he too wants us to erase actions and then in doing so you get the front seat on the bus to Heaven.

    God wants us to erase reality, to unslap a slap, to unrape a rape. Really?

    God is pictured or depicted as a very dysfunctional elder of the church and parent.  That His Heaven is filled with people whose psyche is easily deceived…or actually, that it is filled with 'good' kids who don't tell and continue to play the game called abuse.

    The God in the church I feared…but had to love.  Same as my father.

    In order to have a 'good' after life or future, I had to bless away reality…same as being in my parents home.  In order to get along, I had to overlook their actions in reality.

    What I see are the similarities between a dysfunctional home and religion.

    God is the abusive parent who we are expected to "Fear and Love God"

    I truly did have the fear and love combined in all my loves…

    Seven years ago my psyche broke, it had enough.  I felt like I had a stroke in my thinking, and some may say, I went nuts, crazy and out of my mind, that I am certifiably insane.  But here is what I know for sure, is that I stopped believing in my psyche and began paying deep attention to my body and reality.

    I refused to play the deception game…with my mind.

    I refused to not see, that which was clearly present.

    My mother literally visited my father in jail, seen the orange jumpsuit and could not see a criminal, instead she seen a husband.  Her disappointment was in that he wasn't a good husband. She failed to appreciate the actions of rape and molestation.  Her psyche continued to be deceived.

    My brother wasn't able to sentence a father, his psyche failed to see a criminal.

    Once you are onto your failing psyche it is an incredible ride into reality, where you now get to see all which your psyche changed.

    Masks fall off, actions are bold and in your face, life's raw nature lies fully exposed.  

    I no longer use my psyche to switch reality, but instead honor it in all its glory.

    The only place that falsehood lives is in the psyche; the only place a loving father resides after rape…is in your head.

    Isn't it incredibly tragic that the mind can play such games and even more tragic that religion has used the psyche to manipulate bodies?

    The deceived psyche moves the body into an alternate reality.

    This alternate reality may be called 'A loving family' or the one true path to heaven.

    Deception is the only way to get to heaven or to have a loving family.

    Deception is the common denominator that ran through my church and family; if only I would believe and make things disappear.

     

  • A Nice Man

    The teachings of the church seem to create duplicity among its parishioners, for it teaches we are sinful, but that once you wipe away the sins, you are no longer full of sin.

    The overview of what the church actually preaches and the applications of its teachings are very much at odds, in fact I would say, that it is a church which honors being duplicitous.

    Where the dark side is there, but we are taught to 'bless' it away…and to now act like it has disappeared.  

    If your 'bad' actions can be wiped clean, then you are not really bad…you live in a land that has no darkness…you are forever in this alternate universe of only goodness.

    The church doesn't expect you to stop sinning, it Does expect you to keep confessing…It doesn't expect you to stop forgiving, It expects you to forgive forever.

    It is a cycle you can't break free of….and it leaves you a sinner that isn't sinful.

    You have sinned, but they are nowhere to be found…so your are pure.

    You are a wiped clean slate that has been forgiven of sins a thousand times, yet clean.  No trail is ever found, no smear is left behind…you are clean…but have sinned, yet the sins are not ever spoken of.

    It is like there isn't anything that is permanent, all is fluid and ever changing, there is no sin, while sins are forgiven.

    What if the sin is a slap to a child's face?  Does the mark disappear? Is it wiped clean, does it not leave a mark on the esteem of the child?

    What if the sin is a rape of a child…is she returned to pure once the blessing is uttered?  

    The wiping of the slate is ONLY for the offender.

    The cleanup is to remove the toxic behavior off of the hands of the abuser, it isn't for the wounded child.

    The wounded child is never attended, seen or acknowledged, the offenders life is all that matters. And God Forbid it have a smear.

    How is it that this religion only cures Offenders?

    How is it that this religion neglects the sins upon the sinnee.

    How doesn't it see where the sins take place, how in real life a slap cannot be unslapped…a rape can't be undone.  Sins are damage yet the damage isn't dealt with only the one who did the damage.

    We were taught not to see the one wrecking havoc on our worlds, and to hide the damage.  Hide our bleeding wounds, our broken hearts our shattered trust…for if we spoke of it, the Blessings didn't work.

    And by God, the blessings must work, for we are all heading to heaven under the ticket of the blessings working.

    The duplicity of the church is to see the sinner but not the sins upon the innocent child…it fails to see how wiping clean the offender makes a liar out of us.

    We have the imprint of their sin upon our bodies, but we have to now pretend the 'sin' didn't happen.  We lead a duplicitious life…we know the truth, but are not to act upon it. 

    And we now carry their sin, while they get to sing in the sunshine and go forth pure…we are now weighted down by their sins.

    Am I the only one who can see how this makes a child go insane?

    Not only are we not allowed to show the marks of their sin, we now have to believe they are nice…that they never did misbehave.

    These 'clean' adults and their sins, have written upon the slate of who the child is, their imprints have gone nowhere, the sting of the hand left a mark on the soul, the rape tore the trust and love to shreds.

    This insane cycle can only be broken when the sins go back to the sinners…where they in reality have never left.

    My father raped me, I didn't rape him…it is his sin, not mine.

    I am no longer agreeing to his duplicity…where he rapes me and is seen as a nice man.

     

  • What you Grasp onto…

    "Not grasping what is meant by the term Truth, is the key to all of life."

    My brother feels that this sentence is wrong, that it should instead read;

    "Grasping what is meant by the term Truth, is the key to all of life.

    And actually the key word is grasping or not grasping what is meant by the term truth.  And I feel that the sentence still works for it is in understanding what NOT grasping will mean.

    The key of truth lies in whether you grasp or let it pass…

    We are given the opportunity hundreds a times a day to use this grasping or not grasping technique, even if you live alone, you are faced with this choice.

    Our lives are directly affected by our ability to grasp on or the ability to not move, this is the KEY to all of life.

    I think, we think, that life is very complex, hard and a huge mystery, when it can be boiled down to the very basic of all things, whether you can hold on and follow your own feelings…

    GRASPING is to become nearsighted or innersighted, to honor nothing else but what you feel inside, to hone the skills to recognize all the little nuances of your body, to treat your inside like a precious child, to grasp on to the essence that is alive and moving inside and then live by it.

    The aliveness, the feelings, the energy, the spirit, the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, IS You.  This is what you are not grasping on to. These feelings are you.

    The you is not found in your clothes, your home, your car, your pretty hair, your job, your family genes,  YOU are in the energy of feelings…

    The key to life is whether you grasp on or not grasp on; your life will take a totally different path depending upon what you do and say about your feelings.

    The key to all of your life lies within that small but gigantic act.

    My life totally flipped around by going with my guts, my inner feelings, my sorrow and my tears, my betrayal and horrific fear…it turned me on to me…and what is meant by the term truth.

    For the first 46 years of my life, I shunned my feelings, turned my voice away from them, disregarded and discarded them for the sake of many things, I betrayed myself in order for there to be peace in my family home and to 'get along' with my mother.

    In the end, none of that served anyone, not even me.

    All my feelings of hurt, betrayal, mistrust, fear, anger, resentment of being abused did not go anywhere while I shunned them, they sat like a bomb waiting to explode, to come out…and they did.  

    Each time I would find myself 'out of control', they poured out…usually upon an innocent bystander, my child.

    I couldn't grasp them, hold them back, they literally would spew forth in a torrent of words, feelings, etc…raining all my inner suffering upon my children.

    This out of control raging screaming voice did nothing to heal or address the pain….what it was doing was showing me what lay inside, what my inside world looked like…and sadly, I ALWAYS blamed my children for my tirade.

    If only they would do this or that.  If only they would behave here or there, if only they would listen to this or that, etc.

    Righteously I stood, the towering inferno out of control, blaming the child…never knowing the truth that was me.

    The truth that was me, that I had not grasped on to, was a very wounded, hurt, child.

    I then grew up to be an out of control adult with a neglected hurt child inside.

    The first glimpse I had of this child, was when my niece spoke up and I took on this visceral knowing of who she was, how she felt and what she needed….before 24 hours was up, I was sobbing uncontrollably knowing I was her.  I was her completely. I was her, I too was an abused child by my father.  I also knew, it was much worse for me, so bad that I had no memory…all I had was the fear that would bubble into slight terror at being alone with my father.

    It seemed this was my final exam, the day of reckoning, could I see me in her and her in me?  Will I once again, pass by and not grasp on to my feelings, when my feelings echo those of a child who is so small and so innocent, who is now brave enough to speak her feelings, to say what happened?

    When my sister said, "She said Grandpa touched her…" all it took was a half a heart beat and I said, "She is telling the truth." 

    And right after that my body began shaking, shivering and trembling out of control….It knew that I knew.  I was grasping on.

    The truth came to me in the form of a little girl.  A little girl sexually abused by her grandfather.  It came to me in sorrow so wide and deep I thought I would drowned.  Yet I grasped on to her little hand and knew that I had to be the BIG one, the brave one, to speak and to say, what perhaps she could not articulate.

    I spoke for her and in doing so I spoke for me…I took her truth and held on.

    Not grasping what is meant by the term Truth, is the key to all of life…  All of life's abuse.  

    If you don't hold on to the little girls truth, you are holding the hand of the OFFENDER.

    Pick one…and your life will be steered by what you grasp onto…

     

     

  • Impeccable Word

    Not grasping what is meant by the term Truth, is the key to all of life.

    What does it mean if you can't grasp or know truth?  How are you taught this or perhaps not taught this?  Is there a class where you can understand the terminology of truth?

    There seems to be a fluidity with words when there is no body of truth behind them…words are meaningless unless you attach Truth Feelings.

    The only power words have are the truth feelings that ride along with them, if there is no power of truth, then they just are letters arranged and sounds being spoken.

    What I am not certain of is how you teach truth feelings…and how to utter them instead of words with the opposite feeling attached.

    Or, perhaps this is just the wiring defect with those of us who have been abused, where we are not able to speak what we feel or feel what is the truth.

    A Lie Detector doesn't detect wrong words, but actually how we are feeling when we utter the words…it is monitoring the body.  So what the lie detector really detects are feelings that don't match the sentence being spoken.

    Somehow when we are abused, we have to begin Pretending how we feel, instead of how we actually feel.  This could be due to threats of violence or shame in speaking out, we hide the FEELINGS of abuse.

    I believe we learn that hiding our TRUE FEELINGS is what is needed in order for many things to continue on as 'normal'….and so we do.

    We now have learned to say things we don't mean or feel….we have separated our body of feelings from the words we speak.

    So then our words do not have the support of our true feelings.

    "Being Impeccable with your Words" as Don Miguel Ruiz says, means that our words match what we feel.  I had to look up the word Impeccable….

     "In accordance with the highest standards of propriety; faultless."

    This may be the greatest tragedy of abuse, where we learn to separate what we feel and what we say…we lose our grasp on expressing our feelings truthfully and hold on to the illusion of what is not.

    Our power isn't lost in the act of abuse, our power is lost when we can't speak of how it made us feel…When we can't be truthful with our feelings after, when we have to go back and now pretend nothing happened or to make nice.

    The disconnection between what we feel and what we say is when we start abusing ourselves…

    We disregard how we feel in order to keep the relationship, the family, the 'love' of thy father and thy mother, we fail to grasp and hang on to our feelings of what is true for us…and instead make sure they get what they want and what feels good for them.

    The dance of the offender/victim fails to operate when the victim finally stands up and demands that their feelings be considered.

    While many want to put full blame on the Offenders, there is a second party involved who agrees with this dance, and the game ends when the victim decides that she/he is allowed to bring forth her true feelings.

    While many think this is a battle of words or powerful actions, it is actually a game of whose feelings will be honored…whose feelings are of greater value?

    What I have come to know, is that abusive parents, believe that their feelings matter more, have a higher slot on the scale of life, and that their children must submit and acquiesce their feelings. 

    It is the acquiescing of their truth and feelings…Accept something reluctantly but without protest…that makes them the perfect victim.

    And in doing so, learn to live without grasping the meaning of truthfulness…for to be truthful is to be without a family.

    They willingly give up their truth feelings to save a family…yet all they are really doing is allowing the Offender to go on.

    If only, all my 46 years of living without adhering to my feelings bought to bear a loving father and a supportive mother, then it wouldn't have been all for naught, but it was.

    No matter how much I suppressed my feelings, it didn't magically create them differently.  All that happened is that I suppressed what I felt. That is all.

    Even when I unleashed all that I felt, nothing really changed.  They didn't suddenly SEE what they had done and then changed.  Nope, all that happened is I began to walk impecably with how I felt.

    I no longer suppressed and hid what I felt.

    I took grasp once again of my feelings and held on…for it was clear to me, I was holding on to truth…

    Suppressing the truth doesn't change anything, it only prolongs the inevitable.  I had to look up SUPPRESSING…

    To Prevent the Development, action or expression of a feeling, impulse, idea…restrain.

    So, instead of holding firmly on to family, We are holding back the feelings of fear, loss, betrayal, hurt, sorrow…

    We don't want to feel those feelings attached to our parents.

    And in not owning or being truthful with the negative feelings, we betray all our feelings…we loose our impeccable word.

     

     

     


  • Knows you can….

    We believe that courage and fearlessness will arrive before we do something; that it is an actual muscle like thing that comes crawling into our body and boom, we now have courage.

    But courage isn't like that, nor is being fearless. 

    Courage is knowing you are in fear and shaking and trembling and feeling like a small child could push you over, and you keep going.

    Courage and strength doesn't arrive first. It actually settles into you after you faced your biggest fears, said what you thought you could never say, do what you felt was impossible to happen.  It comes After.

    Which seems like that is backwards, but courage comes afterward, for you look back at what you actually did. What you said and how you didn't die….or faint or whatever, You did it. 

    It is the act of doing what you don't feel you have the strength or the courage to do…But you do it anyway….that's when you see this psyche muscle there…courage.

    It isn't like love….it arrives after you need it.  It is like a cheerleader waiting on the other side of the river of turmoil and waiting to embrace you….it doesn't carry you across.

    I am thinking codependency carries….courage waits and cheers, beckoning you to be brave, to walk with shaky legs, to talk through tears and sobs….that is courage.

    Courage doesn't look like we may have it pictured, like it is strong and calm and wise and cool looking, and all put together.

    For me, courage was swear words and jagged sobs, it was putting up hands when my mother came to hug, after being silently away for 5 months after her husband was exposed as being a pedophile.

    Courage was saying no.

    Courage for me was walking into her home, reigning in my rage to the point of ONLY hollering and not pummeling her.  Courage was saying what I had to say to ears that were unable to hear or be empathetic.

    Courage had me walking out, knowing that she couldn't mother me…courage was mothering me myself.

    Courage was sitting on a path not knowing where it led, but going anyway.  Courage was to be without a plan and being okay.

    Courage was accepting what is, when it turned my belly into heaving sobs.

    Courage wasn't pretty or perfect, it wasn't calm and peaceful, but raw ugliness at times…that looking back were beautifully represented in their honesty.

    Courage is doing what you have never done before to get to a place you have no idea that you need to go.

    Courage is blindly living on a pinhead of time, where nothing is familiar and no one is ahead of you…it is you and the time ticking in your life.

    Courage is surrendering the pattern you have followed to strike out on your own, creating as you go; one shakey step at a time.

    Courage beckons and you say yes…in the exact condition you are in. It like God, and only accepts originality.  It only wants you just as you are in this moment of time.  You are perfectly perfect….it waits…go toward it…it is on the other side of what ever you feel is impossible…just head in and know you are not alone. Courage is watching, cheering and knows you can.