I M Perfect lady

Category: FALC

  • Obey My Soul

    When writing about childhood abuse and trauma, there are two sides; the parent's and the child's.  Most often, folks rush to understand and sympathize with the parent; for it is our natural tendency to protect parents.  We have been schooled with "love, honor and obey thy mother and father." 

     

    This one commandment, and belief, often steps in front of a child's healing and self empowerment.

    And, it also leads others to first defend or explain the hows and whys of what a parent did.

     

    Alice Miller in her books – one being "The Body Never Lies", speaks of how this is so damaging.  How just that one simple, yet profound, belief, can stop one from seeing where their trauma came from. As well as seeing their parents in their true colors AND to see the causes of their abuse.

     

    Is it more loving to not see the truth of your parents – and to believe in that which isn't even true?

     

    While it was terrifyingly painful to see a parent that was abusive, it actually allowed me to see my own wounds.

    Can you see a wound, if you don't see who delivered it to you?

     

    Mostly, my intentions is to empower the child/adult child.  I am not really interested or concerned with keeping the 4th Commandment.

    I am much more interested in finding out why we are the way we are.

     

    Imagine what freedom children would have if they were not taught this commandment.  If they were allowed to see their parents clearly.  

     

    In the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, the commandment is taught. And, what is also key, is the forgiveness of sins. So, parents can remain whiter than snow and perfect. Their imperfections cannot be seen or talked about.  

    This commandment also gave my mother protection from her children. I was not allowed to see her sins or call them out.  I actually wasn't allowed anywhere near her religion. She refused to talk about it. That and her husband. I was to only speak of myself.

    How pray tell can you speak of childhood abuse, IF we leave the parents out of the equation?

     

    I dropped the commandment.

    I lowered the shield that protected my parent's and their actions.

    I allowed everything to be seen and felt by me.

    FEEL THIS, is what I often said after receiving a call or letter/card from my mother.

    I had to bring her into reality, in order to fully deal with my abuse.

     

    I had to own the fullness of having a father who is a pedophile.

    I cannot honor, love and obey a man who abuses little girls.

    Is that wrong?  

    It is more, where the commandment is wrong for us who experienced abuse at home.

     

    It is my deepest hope, that I can empower children to heal and end the cycles of abuse.

    And, I do not believe we can do this, and honor the 4th Commandment.

     

    What I want others to know, is that when you rush to feel from the parent's view, you are actually leaving the child without support. Regardless of their age.  If we can stop obeying this one commandment, children will be free to set up boundaries and learn healthy relationships.

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    Some may rush to save the commandment, and that is okay.

     I understand.

    You are free to do so.

    And, I am free to let it go, so I can honor, love and obey my soul. 

     

  • One with One

    What has been so affirming, in the journey of reclaiming myself and my body from a religion, IS how much the body has been used as a tool against us.  And, how the mind turned into the enemy.  It is as if I was living with two very unfriendly aspects of me – posing as friends.

    The church's teachings about the body's sins, and how it was hell bent to bring us to hell, didn't allow me to connect to its wisdom.  Body disassociation – living from the neck up; and even that wasn't good enough.  Our thoughts and imaginations were also not good.

    There wasn't a part of ourselves we could seek for refuge.  It was to live separated from the very things that made us Us.  

    Years ago, when I found out that I owned my toenails, it was shocking.

    I was separate from the large organization that ruled me.

     

    There is a member of my old church who comes to the Art shows, and her first, and sometimes only words to me, are about my hair.  "Nice dye job" – or "Interesting color" etc.

    She only sees the sins of my hair dying.

    She misses seeing me underneath the sinful hair. Just a sinful body.

    A sinner.

    An outsider.

     

    What is hard for me to articulate is that when I was part of the religion, I was not a self, yet I didn't know it. I wasn't able to own/sense/feel or be attached to my body. 

    Even that sounds weird.

     

    But, I can know how I was back then, by being with someone who is still under the trance/beliefs of the cult.  There is no body or sense of self that is separate from the religion.

    They are the religion.

    But without a body and mind.

     

    Again, I am having trouble depicting the cult and person. For the person is the cult.

    And, yet they can see others as belonging (matching) or not.

     

    When you exit a cult like religion, and have autonomy of your body/mind and soul – but you are unaware of how to engage with free will. You leave the cult and gain yourself – a body and a fucked up mind.

    Literally.

    It is to wake up to a very skewed sense of self in a more than alright world.

    Whereas prior the world was messed up and we were right. 

    Right, being a woman who doesn't have control over her own body.

     

    I have tried to talk to many women who are still within the church about how they don't own their own bodies.  They cannot see where they are powerless.

    It is odd.

    They are under the influence of the church; but unaware.

    Totally.

    Their minds are completely minds of the church.

    This isn't only in my old church; the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, but other churches as well.

    Many of these organizations claim humanity, while infringing upon the rights of others, or stating what is wrong with them – being that they are the one right path.

    Church members using god and jesus to disconnect people from their own inner truths and bodies.

     

    Moving and living dead to the fact of their own body and mind, and its natural wisdom.

    How foreign it would be to them and terrifying to own their bodies. To strike out against the church and its sins?  To leave the church and rejoin and connect their body, mind and soul.

    Horrifying at nature's dance.

    Instead feeling the comfort and peace to live disassociated.

     

    The reason I am not interested in finding a new religion, and/or going back to my dysfunctional family IS that I cannot disassociate from Me.

    And, the unwritten or even written rules warrant that I leave me behind.

     

    There were moments, that I felt that in order to make a choice that would be kind or gentle to the family and religion, I would have had to die. 

    I would have had to give up the newly found self.

    She was real.

    I could not turn away from her.

     

    I do not believe that there would be very many adult people who would give up their minds, bodies and souls to enter into a religion.   Which is why most enter in as a child.

    They lose agency over their body and mind before they are even aware.

     

    It is quite shocking to see women disassociated from their body and minds.

    Ruled by an organization; unable to move separately. Think outside of its teachings.

    I used to think there was a woman behind there.

    But, I know from experience, there is not.

     

    When I woke up I felt like a newborn. A toddler in her life.

    Unable to make a decision for myself.

    A choice with its own voice.

     

    I had to walk into my life, sorting out what was Me and what was the church or dysfunctional family.

    Each piece of my world had to be reconnected in ways that honored Me.

    It is no wonder that the body's freedom and self expression seem awkward at best.

    A wondrous vehicle of emotion, feelings, intuition, imagination, expression, passion, that I live in to be Me.

    The body isn't Me.

    And, the church doesn't own it anymore.

    Nor is it a shameful part of the abuse.  

    It happened to it.  

    So, did religion.

     

    My body and mind are tools used by the soul.

    We live together experiencing what it is like to be a woman.

     

    Oh, the years of my youth that I spent miles from my body.

    The numbness.

     

    And, yet I am lucky.

    There are many who are born into the religions and who die there.

    Unaware they have a body and a mind – unable to make a choice and use their voice for self-expression.

    I feel I have lived two lives.

    One without a body, and one with one.

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  • My Natural State

    There is something magical about art, and the multifaceted ways in which a person engages with it.  Being the artist, we are often so close to the process, we are not aware of the breadth or depth it contains.  Much like our lives.

     

    In creating a piece, I never focus on the whole piece, but am lost in each step.  Any more than I am aware of my whole line of quilts I have made in the 20 plus years I have been quilting.

     

    When the nude ladies began to hold my interest, I felt intrigued by their braveness and open acceptance.  It was odd for me to create, minus fun outfits.  

    I was then made to grapple with the woman; alone.

     

    There are so many layers to who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world.

    And, for the most part, we are guilty of 'judging a book by its cover'.

     

    It has been an interesting challenge to create nudes in their natural pose.

     

    Which leads to what is my most natural state. Who am I beneath what I wear and do?

     

    I was used to making woman doing this or that –  a skier, in the woods, and with all its trappings; but now I am challenged with nude woman.  

    How to express her?

    You don't really realize how much of you is covered up or propped up.

    Until you are asked to let them go.

     

    Working with nudes is pushing me to express in different ways – which then leads to seeing things differently – or more deeply.

     

    I am liking the challenge and feel like a beginner once again.

     

    When I began doing art, the background of each piece was where I focused, and then the clothes, and then slowly a body emerged.  

    In working with nudes, it brings the focus more deeper into who the woman is, NOT what she is doing.  And yet the props are still there, but instead I feel the vulnerability of the woman.

     

    Or bravery.

     

    Even her freedom to be seen.

     

    Unapologetically 

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    It is exciting to uncover another layer of life.

     

    Being from a religion, where the body was seen as sinful, and how we were born sinners, that we are somehow bad, in our natural state, nudes feel like sin in my mind at times.

    I also experienced men losing control because of my body.  Or, that my body was the cause of their wrongness.

    There are so many ways in which a body isn't okay.

    We were not taught of its innocence; but rather it was shameful at best.

     

    Empowering myself, and my art, to reclaim my body.

    Getting my mind right happens in Art.

    My body has been innocent all along; but my mind has been twisted in ways that have not allowed me to fully sit in my natural state.

     

     

  • Unfollow

    I just finished listening to Megan Phelps Roper narrate her book, "Unfollow" –  A memoir of loving and leaving the Westboro Baptist Church.

     

    Wow. 

    She was born into this cult.

    Believed, until she began to doubt, question and see.

    Once you see, you can't un-seen or not know.

    What she thought was kindness, was hatred.

    There are places where I can relate to her story.

     

    Becoming aware of the cult, and how it is to be separated from family, due to confused minds.

     

    "Losing them was the price of honesty – a shredded heart for a quiet conscience."

     

    I understand this completely.  We have to do what brings us peace inside, even if it breaks our heart.

     

    While her cult is well known, and mostly for the pain it causes others, there are similarities in how they believe. They too are the only one way; the right way.  That God is on their side.  Which allows them to act in ways that are not kind to others.  

    The shunning of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church to families on the outside, the treatment of innocent children, comes to mind. How they keep others out of their worlds, as much as possible.  Even family who leave.

     

    Her religion is not unusual, for there are so many religions who believe they are the one.

    And everyone else is going to hell – for a myriad of our sinful ways.

    Those on the outside – bad

    and, on the inside – good.

    This isn't a wishy washy thought – it is 'god's rule'.

     

    And, even how when her and her sister got out, how they didn't know how to navigate relationships without the black and whiteness. The in or out.  Good or bad.  Extreme vision of the world.

     

    This is something I still struggle with.  That life isn't this way. There are nuances and individuals. 

    What she and I also know, is that those we do leave behind, have the minds we used to have.  We get it.  Truly.  Understanding, there is no space or wiggle room for individual thought, it is a collective mind.

    You are up against a group belief, a group mind-set – a bunch who believe alike and are afraid to be on the outside, thinking for themselves.

     

    While my main separation was due to sexual abuse, the church was a secondary place where I could see the dysfunctional mind-set.  It was like a double blind brain wash.

    Which leaves very little room for light to enter in.  

     

    I always find comfort in reading about others who were able to leave dysfunctional families and find wholeness on the outside.  I feel less alone and less strange.  And, I feel hope when she was able to leave such a religion of hate and find love.

    While the First Apostolic Lutheran Church doesn't stand outside with signs proclaiming the sins they see in others, their mind-sets are similar.  And, I myself would love to see the signs of all religions, a poster of what they do believe in.

    How kind would their signs read?

     

    What is so interesting to know, is that you can't know what your religion feels like on the outside, UNTIL you are the outside. Same with family.  

    And, if honesty is what sends you outside of the limits, what pray tell is on the inside?

    "A shredded heart for a quiet conscience."

    Perfect words for how I feel.

     

     

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  • Do Something

    In the audible book "Twisted – The story about Larry Nassar and the Women Who Took Him Down"  a comment was made about – how the perpetrator needs everyone to do nothing. And, doing nothing is the easiest thing to do.

     

    This may not seem earth shattering to most; but it resonated with me.

     

    When an incident happens, two choices will appear for each of us.

    What will I do with this new information?

    What am I willing to do?

    Something,

    or Nothing.

     

    I don't believe that most people are thinking what is good, or not good, for the perpetrator. Rather, mostly what is good or not good, for themselves.

     

    Sadly, the choice of doing something is rarely chosen.

    Nothing is the clear winner.

    Nothing is easier.

    Nothing is what the abuser needs you to do.

     

    Each of us can project the future based on if we do nothing or something.

    We can know our circle will respond in two different ways, depending upon how we choose.

     

    I am unable to articulate deeply the avenue of nothing.  I can however speak of doing something.

     

    The something respond is not pretty.  And, you will not be welcomed with open arms when you do something.

    Doing something is the start of a fight.

    A win-less fight.

     

    Doing something to change the perception of a person is not an easy task.

    Doing something to interrupt the blind faith of a religion is near impossible.

    Doing something to shed light into family secrets; terrifying.

     

    The doing something will require you to stand strong and most often alone.

    Doing something will require you to set boundaries; where no boundaries have stood before.

     

    In listening to the book "Twisted" you will be able to see why it is so hard to do something, against the sea of people who are hell bent to believe in the innocence, compared to the crime. And often there is system in place to protect the abuser or really the reputation, the organization, the family.

     

    And, there is a goal or dream attached to believing in the innocence.  A dream or goal, that is hard to let go of.  A future is planned and in that future an abuser is not part of.

    We, who do something, are seen as home wreckers, career and reputation wreckers. That we are responsible for the damage, not the ones doing nothing.

    It is so backwards, that my own mind has a tough time with it.

     

    The ones doing nothing are seen as kind, loving and caring.

    Doing nothing; but perhaps forgiving.  Even forgiving is kinder than doing something.

    The doing nothing is easier in fact, if you forgive.

     

    Perhaps their doing something is to be forgiving.

     

    Our life history has shown that the most common response is nothing.

    Our legacy of abuse lining both sides of my family shows its true. Nothing is the way we do things. Or at least, not something different.

     

    The ones who do do something, are rare and often leave the family.

    Here is a lengthy article about family scapegoats.  

    No Contact! The scapegoat walks away

    I am not sure that is what I see myself as, but there are common threads.  I can't know how I am seen by my family today. I know how I have been treated; for doing something.

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    Something has to change, in order for change to begin arriving.

    In the news, we have seen big organizations fighting to keep their reputations when abuse is know; by keeping up their appearances.  By not exposing what is in their midst, in order to look okay. 

     

    Larry Nassar, according to this book, abused about 500 girls. Many girls over many decades spoke up, and nothing was done. Nothing but perhaps covering him up.

    Nothing to stop him.

    Nothing to shine a bad light upon Gymnastics and Michigan State University.

    Nothing to change the image of him being a doctor.

     

    His case is not so unusual, only in that he was finally caught.

    There are many abusers, who bank on the notion, that we will do nothing.

    We won't wreck havoc in our family, church, organization, work and sport.

    That we won't interrupt his/her cycle of abusing.

     

    The only other way Larry Nassar would have stopped was by his own death.

    What is so incredibly hard is the lives of the victims he has left in his wake. The pain and trauma in their lives.  And, it wasn't even his singular pain, but the pain of others knowing and doing nothing.

    Those after blows are mind shattering, heart wrenching agony.  To know, that others knew and did nothing. 

    I am hopeful that we are leaning towards honoring those who dare do something.

     

     

     

  • What Happened Next

    "In trauma recovery, it's important to consider what happened. It's equally, if not more important to consider, what happened next, which is often where the deepest wounds lie." Find Your Sunshine Therapy

     

    I read this and felt that it immediately opened up space to look around more deeply.

     

    What often happens, at least in my experience, is that the trauma stands alone.

    Segregated from the rest.

     

    An island of trauma in an otherwise normal life.

     

    However, it is more often just one huge red flag in a sea of red flags.

     

    If you don't look upon what happened next, you will not be able to see clearly.

    It isn't so much that I was abused, but what happened next, OR more, what didn't happen next.

     

    In looking at what happened next, you will find answers you may not want to know.

    People acting in ways that were not about the safety of the children, and standing against abuse.

     

    Looking into what happened after, you can see more clearly the agendas of people and organizations.

    If nothing happened next.  

    If life continued on as if nothing happened, that is a sign.

     

    In my experience, the worst wasn't the abuse that happened, it was what didn't happen next.

     

    There wasn't a safe place to be.

     

    When family does nothing, when the minister of the church does nothing, when neighbors do nothing, it adds layers and layers, to the wound.

     

    So many want to isolate the wound as being the sole responsibility of the abuser.  However, he is either supported or reported.

     

    I love this train of thought, "What happened Next".  Most will not go down this road, because most truly do not want to know.  There is a cost to being curious, you will see folks being apathetic to abuse.

     

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    Art made for me by my daughter. 

     

    I feel that in order to truly heal from trauma, you have to continue to ask, "What happened next?"  Keep going until you get the full scope and breadth of what happened.

     

  • Not to lose it.

    There is a thought, that when we leave the church, we then become "lost souls".  And I can understand how this image appears in their minds. 

    However, I am quite certain there are also found souls.  

    Souls who have found themselves by eliminating the middleman.  By stepping out in the world, beyond religion.

    It is scary, and very freeing, at the same time.

    The hardest part is that we are often seen as detached and perhaps 'unsaved' or, a foreigner in their land.

    We become the 'other'.  

    Whereas prior we were one of them.  Often categorized as "the right church" or the "True" religion, part of God's church and his saved children, etc.

    It is like you are going from the popular group, to the unpopular group; from the chosen to the unchosen.

    We have chosen now to be 'unsaved' or, willing to be in hell and not heaven.

     

    I truly do not feel lost at all.

    Or, unsaved.

    Or, that I am heading to hell when I die.

     

    It is weird to be out on your own in the world unaffiliated.

    To live life as a free agent.

    I am sure it is as strange to see us without a religion, as it is for some of us, to see them with one.  

    There are two different schools of thought, and we are no longer matching.

     

    Some, who have never tried living life without a religion, find it very hard and even unimaginable to be living without one.

     

    It was a foreign concept to me too.

    As I said, it is a very scary process to leave the religion of your childhood.  Or, to leave the path that feels secure and so inclusive by God and others. 

    To have none of the old reassurances about life and death.

    To dare and step off the path, into the land of the unknown.

    Into the same land that is preached against.

    We are walking among what many would now call "Unbelievers".

    Or, lost souls.

    And, to be sure, I did feel lost at the beginning. Until I realized that God didn't live in the church.  And, I wasn't only valuable with a the religion franchise.

    Perhaps it was when I discovered I didn't leave God behind, it became less scary.

     

    I can understand the sentiment, that I would be lost without religion. For it does appear to be the truth, when you feel so identified with the religion.  

    It was a huge identifier of who I was, until it wasn't.

    I would even say, in my case, it stole my identity.

    It was more me, than Me.

    My individual thoughts and desires were drowned out by the religion's preferences.

    I found me underneath the layers of beliefs.

    And, I also found, that my life didn't run amuck, when I no longer believed in the faith.

    I wasn't walking hand and hand with the devil.

    I didn't become evil, etc.

    I actually became more thoughtful and present. 

    I am eager to see how others see the world and even death.

    I am open to learning new ways of spirituality.

    I am less judgmental and more inquisitive about other ways of life.

    And, just plain curious to the human journey and how we are nurtured into different faiths and how they have impacts on how we live and see others.

    I am learning how often religion is given, or forced upon us as children and spirituality something we can discover on our own.  

    Spirituality isn't franchised either.

    Religion is often fear based. Fear of what will happen if you leave or when you die etc.

    Spirituality feels more about the present and true self.

    It is true I have lost the connection I felt within the church.

    I have lost the respect.

    I have lost the faith in their message.

    I have lost the trust in their actions.

    I have lost the belief in their way.

    But, I did not lose my soul when leaving there.

    I feel that I have found it.

    I did not realize the weight and burden of the religion until I set it down

    The sheer load of unworthiness or the identifier of 'sinner' dragged me down.

    Outside of this belief I found my self worth.

    In fact, oddly the sentiments of the religion about Self, mirrored or echoed the feelings of abuse.

    Perhaps because I discovered my abuse the same time I left the church, I could see the connection being equal.

    Regardless, I within myself, felt my soul's worth outside of the religion.

    The correlation between the dysfunctional family and how I needed to be and how I was viewed when I challenged its beliefs, equaled that of the religious community.

    The two most powerful sources that created my self worth, were both equally dysfunctional.

    So, when I hear that I am a lost soul or perceived as one, I would have to say, my soul was lost both in my family and religion.  

    However, once I stepped into my own power and began to see and challenge things, I found it.

    It stood with me as I walked into the dark.

    I was never alone upon leaving.

    Perhaps even, I had to leave both places because they were hurting my soul.

    I didn't lose my soul for leaving, but rather was led by my soul.

    We walked together into the unknown.

    Knowing that what we were leaving no longer, if ever, was healthy for my spirit.

    I left to save my soul, not to lose it.

     

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  • Right to Criticize Me

    Mostly I blog or write on here to sort out my mind, and to place unanswered questions, I write to unscramble frustrations.  I am doing this mostly for me.  And, most often by the end of the blog, I have a new awareness.

    Sometimes, I just want the record of the days news or history or to keep a new understanding written down.

    I want evidence, if you will, how prevalent sexual abuse is within church communities, how I am NOT the anomaly that many accused me of being.

    Perhaps I too, want my voice to be heard, in my voice.

    To write what most won't listen to.

    I write about my experiences, and my insights, and my viewpoint.

    I write to bring to light to an area that has been in the dark.

    That operates in the dark.

    That needs there to be silence and no one talking about it.

    Where no one challenges the faithful.

    I am willing to get the flack for speaking out.

    Which is why so many are silent.

    I want to be the prod to make others think differently.

    For I could have used a prod years ago.

    Someone has to be the one to speak up.

    To ask the tough questions.

    To be willing to be seen as 'short sighted' or how little I know.

    I deleted a Facebook post, which I should have kept.

    It is amazing how they will come full guns upon me, instead of going where the real trouble is.

    That church isn't about Man.

    Really?

    It is about God.

    Yet, the man is who is in the churches sexually abusing.

    You have to put your God down for a moment and deal with this.

    God isn't going anywhere.

    What I am trying to tell you all, is that while you are worshiping your God, Man is running around abusing the children. 

    What can we do about this?

    What can you do?

    The sheer frustration to me, is that you will continue to worship and go and see God, regardless of what is going on underneath.

    The underneath needs attention.

    It needs you to stop and refocus your attention.

    God can take care of himself, the children cannot.

     

    I can't even begin to remember my old faith, the way I was unwilling to place anything before it. I can't know what would have shook me out of that faithfulness. Well, what did was my niece saying Grandpa touched me.

    It was abuse within my family.

    And, perhaps the closeness that echoed in me.

    But, what will it literally take.

    Hollering back at me is not the answer.

    Belittling me isn't going to work neither.

     

    What do I know.

    I know, that if you the truly faithful continue on being faithful, it doesn't affect the lives of the abused.

    What I needed as a child, were church members to be horrified.

    To not keep up the image of the goodness of the church.

    I needed them to get rid of the darkness it operated within.

    I needed light upon what was making us all traumatized.

    I needed the good christians to have been more concerned about the children than their relationship with God.

     

    There has to be a way for you all to keep your God and to protect the children.

    There has to be answers.

    A new way.

    As I have said a thousand times before, you can't keep doing what the generations before you did, and expect things to change.

    Abuse isn't going to stop itself.

    Abusers will not decide one day to stop abusing.

    Children are being molested and we have to find ways to not be co-conspirators by our inactions.

     

    I walked out of my church.

    I walked out of my family.

    I didn't do these things because I hated God.

    I didn't leave God, I left due to the fact that abuse wasn't being dealt with, at all.

    In fact, the very nature of the church's business was to forgive the 'sins' abuse that the perpetrators did upon the children.

    This was too much for me to handle.

    I didn't leave my family cause I stopped loving them.

    I left because their actions were not going to stop abuse from happening again.

     

    I needed to change what I was doing, in order to be the end of the abuse cycle in my life.

     

    I can't see how doing the same thing you did prior to knowing of the abuse, will affect change.

    I can't, and I can't not speak out to women who are perplexed and outraged at the volume of abuse, and YET, they are not making life changes in their own lives.

    I get it.

    Change is hard.

    Looking deeply into what is going on and how your actions may or may not be a contributing factor is hard. But, WHO IS GOING TO STOP ABUSE?

    It feels like the apathy is winning.

    The faithful are remaining faithful.

    How is it going to be stopped?

    I have been told repeatedly to keep speaking out, keep being brave, keep having the courage and to keep this blog going.

    Really?

    To what end?

    What changes have others made in their lives that will stop the cycles from picking up speed.

    The numbers in the catholic church that have been exposed, by a few States doing the investigating, are the tip of the iceberg in that religion.

    That religion.

    That one religion.

    What about the others.

    What about the church you attend?

    What about within the circle of your friends and community?

    What are you willing to give up to save a child from having to experience trauma?

    Go ahead and blast me, I don't care.

    I have had more wrath than I ever expected to be sent my way for speaking up.

    But, at the end of the day, you all sit with your actions, your God and your religion.

    You get to see how your life is preventing abuse or enabling it.

    I am not mad, I am frustrated more at the non-abusing folks than at the abusers almost.

    It takes a village to keep the darkness dark.

    My one blog isn't loud enough to shake the foundations upon which you all stand.

    What will topple the cycles of abuse?

    What will make it harder for abusers to abuse?

    Will it matter to them if you are diligently worshiping your God?

    Will it matter to them if you are keeping the family close and unchallenged?

    Will it matter to them if they see how you forgive and forget?

    Know, that the abusers are watching you.

     

    And more, the children are watching you too.

    What will they see you doing?

    I can't know, if I have done enough to stop abuse in my family's tree, from my life. From the lives of my children and grandchildren.

    I can't know if what I have done is enough.

    Or, what more can I do.

    I can know is that I am trying

    I am sharing how abuse is seen from the eyes of a victim.

    What is helpful and then not helpful.

    I can be outspoken in my life and hope that at the very least, there are no dark places.

    Will my new pattern be enough?

    Will there be more generations beneath me who is still abused?

    Will what I have done, matter?

    I believe, based on what I needed my mother to do, that it is a start in the right direction.

    I am doing what I wished would have been done for me.

    At the very least, look at your pattern, your cycle and see if there are changes from when you were a child. 

    As I sit here today, as I sit here with myself, I am at peace that I have tried.

    I have done what I can to change the pattern in the cycle of abuse within my life span.

    I can only affect my life.

    Each of you will have to do the same within your own life cycles.

    This blog has not been for naught.

    It has allowed me the space to unravel and old pattern and reconstruct a new one.

    The me who began this blog was not the me who is sitting here today.

     I M perfect, and it is impossible not to be.

    This is my rendition of trying to stop the cycle of abuse.

    Certainly there were places I could have done better, but at least I am in the arena trying to wrestle this beast.  

    Only those in the arena with me have the right to criticize me.

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Theodore Roosevelt 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • The Faithful

    As another church scandal hits the news, another almost 300 priests are named in sexual abuse cases in Texas, how can this religion, NOT be smeared?

    How can its validity still stand strong?

    Seriously, I am asking how its content can still be a container of hope, love etc?

    How can good people stay?

    Or maybe, what will it take for you to go?

    I sincerely can't understand how you can keep the faith separated from the sexual abuse that is so prevalent within it.

     

    I had a conversation with a woman from another church, (not catholic) who was abused say 50 years ago, and she was telling me about how it has gotten so much worse.  

    And, I asked her, "how can you stay in a church knowing that so much abuse is going on?" And, she said, it isn't the church.

    I asked her to tell me how she can hold them both, but in two separated containers.

    How can you have this undying faith and belief in a system that YOU KNOW has not stepped in and stopped abuse.

    She herself knows that the leaders have been abusers. And, yet she has faith in it.

    Faith in what?

    How can the system whose leaders abuse, still be something to be faithful to?

    How can you separate it into two cans, the abuse and the faith?

    Seriously asking?

    I truly do not get it.

    I am mind blown when talking with folks who still remain so fervently faithful AFTER knowing about the abuse inside their faith.

    How can catholics hold the system, the faith, separated from the abuse.

    How can it NOT touch the faith, when the leaders are doing the abusing?

    And, the old adage, we are all sinners, is not an answer.

    Just as someone told me, no sin is too big to forgive, when talking about my father sexually abusing little girls.

    Seriously.

    IF that is what your faith teaches, do you not see it as a problem or perhaps a benefit to those abusing inside of your faith?

    What I am losing faith for, or hope in, is the non- abusing to leave.

    When will it be enough?

    How many children will it take to make you seriously look upon the faith you are holding dear?

    And further more, how can that same faith not hold the trauma of all the children that have suffered in the name of God, in the hope of you going to heaven one day.

    I just don't get it.

    It makes sense to me that pedophiles abuse children, that is what they do.

    What doesn't make sense is good hearted women (and men) staying. 

    I just don't get it.

    Certainly the God you believe in, would want you to at some point take a stand.

    At some point walk away from systems who repeatedly abuse and cover up, who continue to make a new victim over and over again.

    How can you not be mixed in the mixture of abuse, coverup and knowing?

    You are playing a part in the whole culture of sexual abuse.

     

    In each abuse scandal that happens, the very large and focal ones we all see, the similar refrain that weaves itself through, is how many knew.

    How many knew and did not report.

    Or, how many knew and forgave them.

    The victims stand, abused again, when they discover that good people knew and did nothing.

    Meaning, they did not exit the church.

    They did not give names to the police.

    They did not show some sign of being anguished by the fact that abuse was going on.

    If only, the good hearted would leave.

    If they would lead the way out of the abuse.

    If they would show the victims, that their lives mattered enough to go.

    I sat across from the woman whose whole life was led by the church she believes in, whose whole life she tried to be as good as she can be, whose whole life was littered by the acts of forgiveness, her intentions, faithful.

    And, yet. 

    She wasn't able to take a stand.

    Against what is soiling her religion.

    Instead, she remains faithful.

    Obedient.

    Compliant.

    Steadfast.

    A member of a church that continues to not make it their business to look into matters of abuse.

    Now tell me what is she a member of?

    She doesn't see her forgiveness as being an instrument that keeps the pedophiles washed white as snow.

    She doesn't see her ability to hold their sins in one container and the ideal of the faith in another.

    Isn't that like holding on to  the highest potential, even when there is little evidence to hold it.

    Like loving what some one could be, not what some one is.

    What is the real picture of these churches?

    What is the real content?

    While you are holding on to the picture of wholeness, of good, of hope, of love, you are not seeing the abused children.

    Perhaps these are not your children, not in your circle, not this or not that, but the fact remains, the system you have faith in, which guides your life, IS also a smoothly operating system that systematically has for decades and decades, kept in the dark the facts they have known.

    Sexual abuse is prevalent inside.

    It isn't like the leaders are shocked.

    They have helped keep the darkness, by covering up the abuse.

    And, I can't but help see you as co-conspirators, for you too know and do not leave.

     

    In all my years of trying to figure out the landscape of abuse, the part that stumbles me the most, is those who are unable to move.

    Unable to change their minds.

    Unable to see that there is only one container.

    One reality.

     

    I find that the most faithful, the most diehard believers are the most frustrating.

    Their believing minds will not accept another thought that contradicts what they were taught to believe.

    As the quote says, "A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still."

    There is a mind blockage that keeps them from moving differently than they have all these years.

    Something inside of them refuses to give up on their religion, refuses to see that IF it can knowingly coverup sexual abuse against children, IT has very little value.

    How can it maintain value after decades of coverup?

    How?

    So, in the wake of another headline, what will leave me most confounded, is the lack of movement from the faithful.

     

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  • Circle of Abuse

    "Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."

     

    What many fail to recognize is how their own upbringing is a contributing factor in how they perceive victims.  And, worse how they view rapists.

    How they have been taught to look at the woman.

    What was she wearing, what was she doing, what was her state of mind, is she promiscuous, etc.

    The women are the first to go on trial in a rape case.

    And, sadly even children victims are doubted in child sexual assault cases.

    So many folks are unaware of their own direction of questioning in how it creates the landscape making it easy for rapist to move around, appearing 'normal' – rape culture. 

    If you can muddy up and messy up the woman's character, you can make her appear worse than the rapist.  

    You can make her appear mental, slutty, and discount the concepts of repressed memories, or trauma induced amnesia.  You can focus on her drunkenness and dress and make it appear that any man would be UNABLE to resist rape.

    Really?

    Part of the rape culture, is believing that men have no control over their own bodies, that women control their sexual urges.

    Period.

    That there are no men with common sense, and real character and morals and values. Men who find no pleasure in overpowering or even having relations with a woman who is unconscious, drunk etc.

    There are many facets to how each of us contribute to the culture of rape, by how we respond.

    In what direction do our thoughts and feelings flow.

    My experience in talking about sexual abuse, is that it is quite rare for an abuser to admit it and very rare for the abuser to go unsupported.

    For him to be cast out of the circle of his influence.

    Instead, he has many making excuses, forgiving and forgetting, and rebuilding his character up around his crime.

    Or, simply many who will not end their relationship with him, being a good friend, good son and daughter or a forgiving wife etc. 

    It is rare that anyone holds him accountable.

    The focus is misdirected to the victim and they will show evidence in how she carries the blame. Victim blaming is distorting the crime.

    As a victim, I can see the culture more clearly based upon my own experience. Based upon who stood up for whom and how I was treated.

    What is also hard to find is the piece of ground for commonality.

    There truly are two sides. One victim blaming and shaming and the other holding the abuser/rapist accountable.

    Can there be even a tiny place where we can all agree?

    Perhaps that a crime was done.

    But, until and unless you place the blame where the blame lies, you will not see a criminal.

    You will see a friend, a cousin, a brother, a dad, a husband or wife. 

    My other thought is, is it kinder to overlook and look around the flaws in someone's character that is capable of raping women?  

    Is it kinder and more conducive to a family to overlook and forgive abuse?

    Why is there a rape culture?

    How did it ever make sense to support the man, no matter what?

    Why was it easier to throw the woman under the bus, in order to keep the system going?

    Here is another thought.

    What is the cost of recognizing that your friend, father, or brother or husband IS a rapist.

    What will it mean in to your world. To fully bring it in.

    To drop all manner of pretense and just sit with the reality of his actions?

    How much of what you have built up in life will now have to be re-examined.

    How much of you would have to change to bring this in?

    How many relationships would you lose if you supported victims?

    What so many fail to realize is that each latest victim, just doesn't appear to be the one to support, perhaps next time. Perhaps she will be of great value, more valuable than the friendship or relationship or Faith.

    Will there really ever be a time where the victim's life will mean more than yours?

    Ever?

    What I came to learn, was that until I was able to see and empathize with a victim, I too was unable to grant the rapist his true responsibility.

    I didn't see me first as a victim.

    I instead saw a child.

    Then, I saw myself as a child.

    And, then I saw victims.

    And, with more horror, the Rape Culture.

    Of the many who unwittingly are playing into the hands of rapists everywhere.

    If this blog, could open one eye to see what they are doing, it would be worth it all.

    My crying appeal, once I saw was " I See too Much".

    Yet, reality and I were one.

    I no longer will pretend to pretend to pretend.  

    For it isn't kinder.

    It is to be part of the rape culture.  

    Part of the criminal circle of abuse.

     

    Here is the link, that restarted the conversation about Ben Johnson – Convicted Rapist- registered sex offender.

    https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/crime/crime-and-courts/2018/12/20/cincinnati-cyclones-player-parole-sexually-assaulting-teen/2378474002/