I M Perfect lady

Category: Podcasts

  • Here

    I am 14 going on 60.

    On December 4, 2004 I woke up and it began a journey of becoming Me.

    When looking upon the two very different lives I have lived, I can hardly see the one who lived the longest.  The latest me, is much clearer and I feel so much more connected to her.

    She is very much self made.

    Whereas the early version was created by survival, cult-like religion and beliefs about herself and the world that were very limiting and small.

    I have judged both of them, by how they were treated by my family of origin.

    I judged the latest Me, by how my brother walked away.

    Perhaps not the woman herself, but her actions.

    Was it all a waste?

    Have I wasted a lifetime, when in the end, relationships end?

     

    Rob Bell, in his latest podcast spoke about waste.

    That we tend to see the worthiness of something, IF we get the outcome we intended.

    Like, I would be a worthy daughter, and sister, IF my family treated me as such.

    Instead of sitting with what I gave.

    Was what I gave a waste?

    Did I give something that was wasteful?

     

    My recollection of my giving, was most often the best of me.

    I gave to fill lacks.

    I gave until there was no more to give.

    Often, I gave too much, cared too much, loved too much.

    But, is that a waste?

     

    I gave of my art, I gave of my time, I gave of my wisdom, my experience, my truths, my intimate emotions, my integrity, when I found it myself.

    How can these be wasteful things?

    I used to say, I wish I had been an asshole, that I hadn't cared so much, and given so much, that in the end, it didn't matter. In the end, I was left without a family. That I was left with a broken heart and a confused mind. 

    I too, believed, that If I gave I would receive.

    Something of worth equal to what I had given.

    When I am left standing alone outside of my family, I judged me by their actions.

    I wasn't worthy, I hadn't given the right stuff, the right way, at the right time. It was all a wasted effort.

    They get to be the defining factor of whether I am a waste or not.

    It is hard not to feel wasteful when you are tossed aside, in a moment, after all you have given, it seems such a careless ending.

    How can you be so casually tossed aside, IF you were worth more.

     

    There are two sides of the estrangement.

    What I gave and how they valued it and me.

     

    I used to value how they seen me. I used feel more loving and kinder depending upon how they treated me.

     

    Now, I see clearly, what I gave of me, is what matters.

    I didn't withhold.

    I didn't water down my caring.

    I didn't give waste.

    I wasn't a waste.

     

    It wasn't all for naught.

    What I gave was sacred, the essence of me.

    And, you can't waste being yourself.

     

    They can value it or not, and that doesn't change who I am.

    This is another huge vein into my self esteem, that I have unplugged or cleared up.

     

    My value comes from knowing what I give.

     

    Another part of Rob's podcast spoke about "here".  When you are confused by how others react or respond, and when you feel the injustice of it all, "Here." Give it to the universe to hold.

    Here, I give you my relationships that ended so abruptly, or simply faded away.

    Many due to my changing. 

    Here.

    You hold them.

    I can't know why or how or whatever.

    Most often, I am left with silence, space and rejection.

    Here.

    I know what I gave, and it wasn't a waste.

    Here

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    You carry their response, I will carry what I gave.

    Here

     

     

     

     

     

  • In Reality

    Can you describe your life in one sentence, or are you a paragraph?  I heard this on a podcast, Soul Series. It is an interesting thought. What sentence are you living? What is the content of your life?

    My sentence structure, would consist of awareness, free empowerment, change, legacy, love of self, art, women…  I will have to work on seeing how I can fit how I exist into a sentence.

     

    Another thought from a podcast was, "People are not bad, Beliefs are."

    Just sit with that thought.

     

    My life changed, when I changed my beliefs.

    I was seen differently, and I seen the world differently, when I changed what I believed.

    When I left my religion, it was all in my head. I no longer believed as they all believed. The old beliefs were now unbelievable to me.

    When I left my family, it was all done in my head, I no longer believed as they did.

    I wasn't bad, but my new beliefs were not accepted.

    Nor, could I relate to the old beliefs anymore. We were no longer able to relate to each other. I wonder if that is the real meaning of relationship; the ability to relate to each other.

     

    One day, a brother changed his mind about me.

    The relationship ended.

    He has a new belief about me.

    All it takes for a relationship to end, is for one person to change their minds.

    Beliefs can make me a good person or a bad person and it has nothing to do with me.

     

    We are not born with a set of beliefs, we are taught a set of beliefs.

    How our parents believe, influence how they raise us.

    What their belief system was, became ours.

    It isn't so much who your parents are, but rather how they believed, that grew your mind or stunted it.

     

    How we are treated, affects what we believe about ourselves.

    If we are treated badly, we often have a lower sense of self -worth.

     

    There really are good and bad beliefs, much more than good and bad people.

    Our physical bodies are not what is bad, but rather the beliefs in our head.

     "When I believe my thoughts, I suffer." Byron Katie

     

    My life became more peaceful when I understood, that most often there is a belief system behind people.  

    A system that is leading them, often blindly, to do what they do.

    Isn't it Jesus who said, "Forgive them, they know not what they do."?

     

    I was led by a belief system for 46 years, without awareness, that I didn't make a conscious choice. My life wasn't mine to lead. It's whole content was driven by beliefs I was taught. 

    Fear kept me from even thinking about thinking of anything outside the system. 

    My future when I died demanded my compliance to the belief.

    And, my knowing I'd be shunned if I dared.

    The beliefs, were just the religious ones.  

     

    The dysfunctional abusive family beliefs were a whole different string.

    They were all designed to deflect reality and make the individual disappear or at very least become irrelevant.

    Beliefs that dovetailed with the church, "honor thy mother and thy father" no matter what.

    Beliefs that created, voiceless, choice-less, unseen, children that did not matter.

     

    It was earth shattering and mind blowing, when I awoke and challenged a mind full of beliefs that were not copacetic with reality.

    The beliefs in my head, had literally kept me from being in reality, seeing it, knowing it and believing it. I lived a few feet from my real world, in a land where reality wasn't present.

    Beliefs are bad, not people.

    I wasn't born narrow minded, I was taught to be.

    I wasn't born with negative beliefs about others, I was taught to believe I was better.

    I wasn't born believing in hell, or heaven, I was taught about it.

     

    Beliefs are given to us, as much as vegetables and milk, and they create a human being who lives peacefully and respectfully or one who is judging and righteously removing equality from others.

    My whiteness came with a busload of beliefs that made so many others less than.

    My "faith" and its beliefs, had me on the road to heaven, while others were headed to hell.

     

    Beliefs matter in times of peace and in times of war.

    What you believe matters more than what you do.

    Perhaps my sentence is…

    "She no longer believed, and from there lived a life of freedom and peaceful love with her self and the rest of the world, in reality."

     

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  • Columbus day is a perfect example of something having two sides – ask the Indigenous people what they think of this day? I like that my phone calendar has both of them listed.

    I listened to Krista Tippett's podcast "On Being" with Layli Long Soldier –

    On Being Podcast with Layli Long Soldier

    History has two sides.

    How can it not?

    We see and feel life from our side of each experience.

    And, we also see history, from the side we were taught.

    If there is a war, there will be two sides of the war. And your 'rightness' will be on the side you are on.

    We look at our childhoods from our vantage point – our parents traveled through our years differently.

    I know my experience, and I recognize that others will have their own perceptions of the world.

    Again, this was never been more clear, than speaking out about abuse. Not all can see from your vantage point, but that doesn't negate it. 

    What I believe is happening now, is that the silent side is now speaking.

    Not just with the latest victim to speak out, but that there is a wave going through our society, where each time a victim speaks, it encourages another to break their silence.

    So, we now have two sides of the same history.

    Because the sides don't often match, does it mean that one is more true than the other?

    And, is it most true if only one side shares their view?

    If the silent remain silent, does that effect history?

    I was so naive that I didn't even question what we were taught in school about history. We were taught our side of history, the white american side.

    Maybe had I attended college, I would be wiser about the history of the world.

    In the history of my family, up and until I was 46 years old, I had not heard about sexual abuse. 

    This is not unusual. 

    This doesn't mean it didn't happen, it just means that the victims were silent.

    The #Metoo movement is the side of our history many would rather have silenced.

    My history lessons in school about Columbus, didn't mention the view of the native americans. Ever.

    It felt kind – leaving that point out.

    In order for humanity to evolve, we need all the voices to be heard.

    We cannot change what we do not acknowledge.

    Today, I celebrate the voices of the Indigenous – who challenge history's account of Columbus Day.

     

     

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  • Flow Aimlessly

    If you broke your life down into categories, what would they be? 

    Sheri Salata spoke about the Pillars of her life. The categories of how she wants to live her life. What the important things were and then how to make sure she is serving them.

    Her categories included, happiness, spirituality, adventure, creativity etc.

    It has me looking at my life differently.

    Instead of one big lump, there really are segments to our life. Things I plan on doing and then, a bunch of space that idles along without direction. I am going to try and incorporate her pillar idea into my life.

    I have already carved out space for doing Art and moving outdoors. I listen to inspiring podcasts and books while I traverse my mail route.  But, there are moments that are undirected.

    When I look upon my life and how I envision it being, there are many places that I fail to work on.

    If I sorted out my life in increments, I would see where I spend my time and why and then the places that are pretty neglected and not part of my life.

    A whole life to me, would include – (a rough draft)

    Mindfulness/yoga

    New adventures 

    Creativity 

    Movement outdoors 

    Writing 

    Healthy eating 

    Women groups 

    Relationships

    Friendships

    Learning – teaching

     

    As I look upon these categories, there are a few that I am pretty consistent in and then some that could use much more of my focus.

    I don't think we plan with intent our days and lives. We seldom see what we are doing and how it fits into the life we want.  

    How many stressful things do we do, that perhaps we can let go of?

    How many more fun things can we incorporate into our days?

    What places will help us grow and learn and expand?

    As I walk through my day, I will have to see if what I am doing and what I am wanting to be, match.

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    Am I being who I want to be or am I just idling along and letting my life flow aimlessly?

  • A unique self

    I have heard this twice now on two separate podcasts, "You can't be yourself, until you really know who you are." 

    Knowing who you are not, is helpful, but until you know who you truly are, you simply can't be yourself.

    You can be the self, you were raised to be.

    Or, the survival self.

    A part of a whole that you were born into.

    It took my life falling apart to understand, I had no clue who I was.

    I didn't know the world or the meanings behind many things – let alone who I was.

    The best thing that happened to me, was for my whole world to be tipped upside down and to be left standing there, empty.

    A container of nothing.

    It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

    I had the rare opportunity for a do over in creating Me.

    This time, I vowed to be present  and to have the only vote.

    I was no longer interested in building a self by being part of something else.

    My self was going to be detached from outside validation.

    The only person who had to love me, and accept me, was Me.

    Since my old self was created while I was asleep in denial.

    I allowed my self to grow from how others saw me.

    How a religion needed me to be.

    My old self was extremely co-dependent.

    I don't feel that I was consciously aware of how I became that woman.

    My old self didn't roll over and die, she fought to stay alive and pertinent in my life.

    She flowed fear.

    And, sang guilty phrases.

    But, she didn't excite my soul or feel comfortable.

    Her fear and terror stalked me as I made new choices.

    She haunted my new single status.

    I unplugged everything that had a part in her old image.

    And, stood alone.

    Deflated and without a self.

    I no longer wanted to be part of that old self and her world, but I had yet to create a self.

    It was an odd place to stand.

    My old life would have welcomed me back AS Her.

    But, not as my new self.

    As I look back at my old self, I can only know her by the things she was co-dependently part of.

    I am not sure how to articulate how this is.

    How you could see her by the groups she was part of and what she contributed.

    Not herself; but what she could do for that tribe.

    In fact, I quit giving anything, in order to see Me.

    To see me without the acknowledgement of others, left me looking at space.

    I am not even certain, anyone can understand this, but my whole self was made up by the actions of doing, giving and being for Others.

    I rarely IF ever, said no.

    Or, purposefully disappointed anyone.

    I was built by my people pleasing ways.

    When you took those all away, my old self disappeared.

    There wasn't a self in her place or behind the codependency.

    Behind the opinions of others.

    The opinions of others created me.

    A good daughter, a nice sister, a member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

    I am not even sure most will realize how much of themselves are held up by others.

    If you don't dare disappoint someone, they are carrying your image.

    When you feel locked into a space or relationship, they are holding part of you.

    To unplugged and disconnect, no matter who it was, was very liberating and extremely terrifying.

    I knew, but didn't know, that by saying no or doing something different, our relationship would change.

    The relationships that fell, were built upon codependency.

    Otherwise, me transforming into a new empowered self, would not have mattered.

    Oddly, when I unplugged from them, I plugged into me.

    All that I had tried giving away in order to receive, was now a direct flow into me.

    The sayings, "you can't give what you don't have," or "you can only love others as much as you love yourself", is completely true.

    As I filled my inside with me, with things I loved, or set values and what I would or would not stand for, I filled up with good energy for the lack of a better word.

    I valued me, I loved me and I believed in me, and I empowered me to make choices that were different.  And, in doing so, I could be me, because I knew who I was.

    I didn't need others to prop me up or organizations to make me look better, or a religion to give me moral value, etc.

    I was there standing alone, and yet full to the brim and overflowing with Me.

    Being able to know who I am, and to be Me, and to live a life untethered, is quite remarkable. 

    A free spirit, is when you can be yourself unabashedly.

    Not everyone cheered me on or liked my new Me, but I am okay with them.

    I know, where they stand, for I lived there too, for 46 years.

    Back then, I would not have dared to leave the path of least resistance.

    Now, I am quite used to walking alone.

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    A unique self.

     

  • Remember Tomorrow!

    "We look for happiness – but, we don't look for things that make us unhappy, and work to get rid of them." 

    I heard this on a podcast. And, now I can't find the source of who actually said it. I believe it was Jesse Itzler – being interviewed for his book "Living with the Monks."

    But, I love this idea.

    Often we are focused on things that we feel will make us happy, overlooking the stresses in our lives, the things and relationships that affect how we feel.

    The ones who break our peacefulness and cause us to feel "Unhappy", not realizing if we cut out the things that bring us unhappiness, we would be happy!

    Say our total happiness scale is at 60, and you want to get happier, you have to look around for the 40% that is irritating and not making you happy!

    We often tolerate things that are actually reducing the happiness of life.

    They don't have to big and drama filled, they can be simple things that each day zap just a bit of happiness. If we work to eliminate the things that are taking a piece of the happiness pie away, we will be just a bit more happy.

    So, I am going to watch for the things that grab me and pull me away from being happy and see how I can reduce or eliminate them.

    For, I am one of the very lucky ones, there is nothing huge in front of me that is making me unhappy.  However, if there are little unhappiness things floating around in my life, I need to find ways to reduce them. 

    Stop looking and dreaming of becoming happier, instead locate the unhappy things and deal with them.

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    Another cool thing that Jesse did say, was "Remember Tomorrow". 

    So, when you are thinking about quitting, that you have given it your all, and you want to quit, think about how you will feel about this choice tomorrow? Will you have regrets?

    As we were hiking on the Pinkerton Creek trail on Saturday, we were almost to the end, and I realized my new hip wasn't feeling so good. And, we still had to walk out as far as we had walked in. We were close to the end, but I said, "We better turn around," and we did.  After hiking a few minutes, heading back to the jeep, I then thought of "Remember Tomorrow."  And, changed my mind and direction. We finished the trail to the lake.

    And, what a gorgeous sight awaited us, and cooler temps and no bugs and a wonderful place to rest a bit before we headed out. The little rest helped my hip recover for the hike out.  

    This technique works for other things too, like when you are going to break a vow you have with yourself, or when you are hedging from making a decision about whether to go or join etc.  What we do today, will affect how we feel about ourselves tomorrow.

    I love this.

    I will "Remember Tomorrow" when making decisions.


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    We can also remember tomorrow, when we make the decisions that are hard for the moment.  We can do what is hard to day, to make a happier tomorrow!  

    Often the choices I have made, had a much bigger impact on tomorrow, and in that moment caused me pain.

    Remember Tomorrow!

     


  • “Trauma isn’t what happened to you, but what happens inside you.”

    Tim Ferris Podcast

    https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-gabor-mate-new-paradigms-ayahuasca-redefining-addiction/id863897795?i=1000403111979&mt=2

    Above is a great podcast on trauma with Dr. Gabor Mate, it is long but has some good information.

    One point he made was "Trauma isn't what happened to you, but what happens inside you."

    This changes how we will look at abuse.

    Most often, I believe, folks will think, it happened along time ago, so just get over it.  But what they fail to appreciate what happened within us.

    It changes our insides, and not only the way we see ourselves; but the self that sees the world.

    Dr. Gabor spoke about there being two things our inner self needs as a child; one is attachment and the other is authenticity.

    And, when we have to lie to ourselves to be loved, we give up our authenticity.

    I know this to be true.

    In order for me to be accepted and part of the family unit, my truth had to be cast aside.

    And, oddly or perhaps not, when I stood by my self and my truth and began to live authentically, I lost the family.

    To live life disconnected from your authenticity, is to be set adrift without a self in the world. I know how this feels.  I lived like that for 46 years. I had no clue who the real me was and it was terrifying to disconnect from those I was attached to, because I didn't have a me to be attached to. 

    It is to be free floating for awhile.

    Exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

    I am going to go find myself, I don't know who I am or even that I was missing.

    A great listen for there are many things we don't often hear about childhood trauma and the effects it creates as well as different treatments that are trying to reconnect us with ourselves. And, he also speaks about addictions.

    He also agrees with Alice Miller and loves her books. He references "The Gifted Child."

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  • I listened Rob Bell in a podcast yesterday, speak about the way things change.  

    Someone has to be the one to stick their necks out first.  

    Somebody has to be the ones to change the patterns, break the cycles and leave what we have always known, agreed with, and accepted behind.

    And, we are all on our own journey of awareness.  

    Things don't just change automatically, someone has to be willing to do things differently even at the cost of rejection and ridicule. To not do things as we have always done, to step out of the boundaries and dare be different.

    If you listen to the podcast below, he will more eloquently speak of how we are all doing the best we can. Some of us, our destiny is to be the front runners and a part of us would die, if we didn't follow our inner knowing.

    I am pretty sure I have spoken out, have stood up etc, but I am not so certain I have been humble and patient and in my enthusiasm or desire to inform, have turned people away.

    I am very sorry for that.

    We are not given a rule book to follow, as we step out beyond where others have trod.

    We don't know the correct protocol for being change makers.

    Those of us who are victims looking to change the legacy feel the immediacy of what needs to be changed.  In fear, we often want to move things along at a quicker pace.

    I am astounded at times, that it has been a long 13 years, and the changes I have seen appear to be so tiny, a bare perceivable movement.

    He speaks of letting others know when you see others move.

    I will now be looking for that.

    This podcast was a great reminder to how change happens and how it does move slow and person by person. Something within them will suddenly see, hear and feel that "something" isn't right.

    It is then, that they will start to seek a new way to do old things.

    Again, my deepest apologies for offending others. I now know to look for change and to be a brighter change.

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  • What Powerful Looks Like.

    I met her first on a podcast, and then ordered her book,"A Beautiful Work in Progress"  Mirna Valerio.  She is my new role model of what is possible; no matter the type of body you have. While she is on the high end of the spectrum, she makes it possible for the rest of us to be placed somewhere on the line.

    Below is a great introduction to her!

     

    What I believe stops so many of us, is that we don't look like we should be biker, hiker, runner, ultra etc. And, think we have to look the part before we can do it.

    I LOVE that she is shattering the image that too many of us have and replacing it with her bold, unapologizing, badass, powerful self.

    We all need to adjust our image of what powerful, badass and athletic looks like.

    While I plodded along during the Great Bear Chase or while pedaling during the Copperman, I felt totally out of place amidst the strong, "in shape" athletes, and at the same time, that I was representing those of us who love to move; but don't look the part.

    To be out there even though societally we are not supposed to be. 

    She is out there breaking down barriers on a way Ultra scale going far beyond the expectations of many.

    She is giving those of us who don't look the part, permission to be there TOO.

    In her book, she wrote about taking Selfies when you go out and move.  I totally agree! I do this almost always.  It is to continually post that we can.

    We can move.

    We can also press our own boundaries.

    We can bike a little farther, we can hiker longer, snowshoe further, etc.

    And, bit by bit, we become stronger, empowered and included in the fun activities our bodies are capable of doing.

    She has raised the ceiling to infinity of what we can do – IF we erase the old image of what athletic looks like.

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    And, we can change the images, by posting each time we are out there moving, enjoying, pushing, and challenging ourselves.

    Let's change what powerful looks like!

     

  • What does a good day look like?

    On Krista Tippett's podcast with Atul Gawande, they spoke about "What matters in the End".  Asking, "What does a good day look like?"

    What is interesting about this conversation, is that we often (as we get older) put our end of life wishes down; whether we want life support etc.

    What is rarely asked, "What is a good day for you?"

    And, not only should this be asked as we near the end of our life; but everyday.

    In the end, what will matter is can you still live your good day?  

    Do you want a clear mind, less pain, more days, or more good days?

    My good days consists of inner peace, contentment, art, activity, new adventures, learning, reading, listening to podcasts, being outside.  And yet a good day would be doing one of these.

    It isn't how long we live; but how good are our days.

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