I M Perfect lady

Category: Podcasts

  • Joy is Living!

    While listening to a podcast, "Finding Mastery: Conversations with Michael Gervais" as he spoke to Chade-Meng Tan on Joy… they spoke about thin slices we can experience during the day.

    His one example, was when your throat is dry and you take a sip of water, feel that!

    I do this on my first few sips of Tea!  

    Joy

    We often think it has to be big grand and expensive; that we have to travel far and strange and do adventurous things.  But, you literally can feel joy, crawling into bed after a full day and laying your head on your pillow.

    Or, the taste of chocolate, the sound of birds singing, the color as you paint a gourd!

    Watching for tiny slices of joy will increase joy in your world.

    One other thing that caught my attention was when they were speaking of peace.

    How, when we are craving or desiring something, it steals our peace, because we can't be at peace until we have it.  Whatever IT is.

    Mine are simple cravings. Sweets.  I am fine if they are at hand, but not so fine when they are not.  Mostly, it would be thinking of what you 'should' have; but don't.

    It is the absence of wanting, where peace is found.

    Another thing that I am learning is how self care means taking time out for your self.

    What I am finding, is that the more there is to do, the more 'needs' there are, the less I take care of me.  Which is the opposite of what needs to happen.  In the midst of busyness, is where I need my space the most.

    A recharge.

    A retreat.

    Ask for a timeout!

    As a busy mom, I rarely stepped out of being a mom and did something just for me.

    Now, as a busy working, mom, grandma, I am finding it still applies.

    Solo time, is key for me to stay in balance.

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    Sometimes we need to make waves in order to maintain balance and love, peace and joy in our worlds.

    Joy is knowing it is up to me to design my life.

    Today I will seek joy in simple things and see how many slices I find!

    Slices of Joy is living!

     

     

     

  • Disconnecting

    Yesterday I listened to this podcast about the value of boredom. I found it very enlightening and something I will now pay attention to.  

     

    I loved how he is back to notebook and pen.  When I was at my most stressed out, I would not go anywhere without paper and pencil.  Sharpened pencils and a journal captured many years worth of releasing emotions and expressing feelings.

    My job and the rural nature of my route takes me off the grid.  

    I do use my phone as a listening device for podcasts and books.  I listen a lot.

    I also use my phone as a camera.

    What I do find though, while listening is often an emotional bubble arises. 

    I am wondering now, if I am processing life moments and not letting them pile up.

    I love this idea that boredom and down time have a very important role in our lives.

    I am betting that while I am out in nature, this too is an opportunity for our bodies to speak to us.

    Another way to listen to your life, by disconnecting.

     

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  • Celebrate by Refusing!

    Today is "International Women's Day" and one of their themes is "Be Bold For Change".

    I looked up the word Bold, to see what its expectations are.

    "(of a person, action, or idea) showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous."

    Being bold means taking risks and being confident enough to start out.

    I don't believe you have to have the whole route planned; but you do have to know what you want to change.

    Change can be small.  

    And, we each are defined by what is bold for us.

    My bold may not be bold enough for someone else OR too bold and too risky for others.

    I didn't start out where I am today. 

    My first step was shaky and timid; but with great resolution.

    I knew what I wanted, and hoped to accomplish.

    My inspiration was to do differently than the women who, I believe, failed me.

    I was going to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

    Which meant, I had to take risks and be bold.

    I wasn't confident, but I was courageous…just to take the first steps.

    I had to be willing to enter into conversations and confrontations without a known exit.

    Nothing was off limits.

    All was to be examined and faced, as well as accepted.

    I had to be the woman I thought my mother was.

    Morals and values with the fierce determination to up hold them, no matter what or who I had to walk away from.

    I signed up to be for bold change against violence.

    Here are the categories beneath it.

    educate youth about positive relationships
    challenge those who justify perpetrators and blame victims
    donate to groups fighting abuse
    speak out against the silence of violence
    be vigilant and report violence
    campaign for the prevention of violence
    abstain from all violence, physical and otherwise
    volunteer your help at a local charity
    recognize coercive control and redress it

    I have been doing most of this.  

    The second line, "Challenging those who justify perpetrators" may mean family, friends, colleagues. 

    It means taking a risk and speaking out.  It could mean losing a relationship as you challenge someone.

    Typically, it will not be standing face to face with perpetrators but, rather questioning those who stand with them.  These perpetrators do not act alone. They always have a defensive core around them.  Who are you standing with?

    Being Bold For Change, means being an active risk taker.

    I listened to Rob Bell speak of The Third Way

     

    What I got from this, is that there is another way, besides turning the other cheek in passivity or retaliating with an eye for an eye.

    I see the third way for me, was to step out of abusive relationships. Instead of me being the one to suffer the consequences of their dysfunctional or codependent behaviors, I was the one to take my power back.

    He made reference to Roza Parks.  How her refusal to be part of something, was her third way.  I agree.

    I have been refusing to be part of the abuse cycle that has gone on for generations in my family of origin. I am the Roza Parks.  I refused, and be damned the consequences.

    I did draw a line in the cement.

    I am unmovable.

    That is what I believe we need, to end the longevity of abuse.  Someone has to stop it.

    Refuse to be part of it…willingly or unwillingly.  It has to end with you.

    Take the risk and just refuse.

    The energy and momentum that happened when I stopped giving my energies to the cycle of abuse, is quite remarkable. 

    My inner changes, explorations, self-empowerment, and self-worth rose with each refusal.

    You first have to know what you refuse to do.

    It isn't often what you support, but rather what you will no longer stand for. 

    And, in my case, my inner self was so weakened by years of denial, I didn't have an ounce more to give to the cause of dysfunction.

    And, yet there seemed to be an untapped source of boldness towards not letting the abuse by my father define me.  As well as an unlimited supply of courage to stand by victims and myself.  

    Standing up for myself in front of my mother was my greatest achievement…in refusing to agree as she justified her actions.

    Again, abusers are someone we know 95% of the time. 

    Will you be bold enough to challenge your relationships?

    When was the last time you refused to participate by disagreeing?

    Being Bold for Change is a way to celebrate International Women's Day.

    Refuse!

    I looked up the definition of Refuse.

    "Indicate or show that one is not willing to do something.  Indicate that one is not willing to accept or grant."

    What we fail to appreciate, is that we agree by not refusing!

    Refusing, is where new energy flows.

    I refuse what does not empower!

    That's being badass!

    Refusing is an empowering action!

    Women rise by refusing to agree with what insults their souls!

    Happy International Women's Day – I celebrate by refusing!

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  • My Forgiveness

     "Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.  You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring you want something new. The old will defy the new. The old deny the new. The old will decry the new. There is only one way to bring in the new.  You must make room for it."  Neale Donald Walsh

     

    Yesterday I heard a definition or action of forgiveness – Forgiveness doesn't mean that you don't seek justice.  But mostly that you don't continue the cycle of harm.

    This type of forgiveness is very empowering, for it has nothing to do with the person who hurt you.  It doesn't matter if they are remorseful or taking responsibility for their actions.  It is all about your response.

     

    This type of forgiveness would change the world.

    For, it would change the individual who was hurt.  The old adage, "Hurt people hurt people" would be no more.

    If, the old way of forgiveness that is taught in most churches worked, I would have no problem with it. But, what it usually entails is that the victim forgive the poor behavior of the perpetrator and it then has to be forgotten. 

    The victim is left in a cycle of harm.  

    I love the idea that forgiveness is to end the cycle of harm.

    It doesn't mean that we are to cozy up to those who hurt us, and 'love' unconditionally.

    But rather that we take personal responsibility in ending the cycle.

    This means that we are not to live lives that inflict harm upon another.

    Being sensitive to each step we take and how it will either continue the old cycle or end it.

    I also love the quote about yearning for a new way will NOT produce it.

    You must make room for a new way.

    I have seen so many wanting something new; but too afraid to leave the old ways behind.

    Or not letting go; but expecting a new outcome.

    What I have mistakenly believed, is that all who were abused, wanted a new way.  Or, wanted the new meaning of forgiveness; to end the cycle of harm.

    So, they would then be more non-forgiving, than those trying to end the cycle of harm.

    Many want what the old ways…and are not seeking a new way.

    I also listened to Steven Hassan talk about cults and getting out of them.  And, how you have to approach those who are still under the spell of one.  That you are to remain curious and non-judgmental.  I have failed at this big time.

    One thing he did talk about is critical thinking.  And how the common denominator in cults are the enforcing tools. Fear and guilt, and shunning to name a few. And, the binary way that cults operate, with one side being right and the other being wrong.  And, that you are special and 'saved' within the group and going to hell on the outside.

    This is another hole I fall into time and time again. A throw back from my past.

    I can get lost in what is a healthy boundary and what is binary thinking.

    I forget to remember that if I am basing my decisions on what is healthy and good for me, I am not thinking they are wrong; but what is healthy and empowering for me.

    So forgiveness in this new sense is leaving the cult intrenched behaviors behind.

    What else was really interesting, was that it isn't the weak that are easily cast under the spell; but rather anyone is susceptible. 

    Those in the cult know the lure.

    Interesting enough, the lure for the religious equals that of sex trades and extreme terrorist groups. 

    What is key to deflect cults is to be curious, to ask questions and to remain critical in your thinking, to ask about the power structure and how it is arranged.

    I was even surprised to learn that tiered marketing or pyramid selling is a cult.

    But, it makes sense. All the power is on the top. 

    Forgiveness and cults came up on my podcasts as I was wondering how to neutralize my emotions towards my mother.

    Meaning to not rise when I see her words upon my Facebook feed.

    To let her be.

    What came to me, is the struggle we all have in being free.

    We want others to do this or that to give us peace.

    but, we have to instead, let go of some thought or belief that is keeping us engaged.

    I think, I thought, that IF I called her by her given name, she would cease to be mother.

    In her world, She will be mother until she is dead. 

    She will act as mother for that is her role towards me in life. 

    She hasn't changed it, nor does she feel the need or desire to not be my mother.

    No matter, IF I have estranged myself from her.

    She gets to pop in unannounced and unwanted.

    I have to accept this.

    If I had control, I would silence her.

    I do not control her world.

    She has free will and uses it.

    She doesn't see the harm she wields.

    By entering into my life.

    My control is my response.

    Giving her freedom, ends the cycle of abuse.

    Abuse is about control.

    My job is to welcome her words to appear.

    Breath in… by accepting her boldness and her lack of regard for boundaries.

    That is who she is.

    My focus has to be on who I am.  My greatest tests in this life was to become different than she.

    What I don't continue, is my forgiveness.

     

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  • Emotionally Agile

    My first introduction to Susan David was here.  I know she is right and in my experience, emotional agility is the key to a life of peace, love and joy; which includes, heartache, sorrow and grief!

    I then went and purchased her book.

    Here is what I read today.

    "Choosing Willingness"

    "We want life to be as dazzling and painless as possible.  Life,on the other hand, has a way of humbling us, and heartbreaks built into its agreement with the world. We're young, until we are not. We're healthy, until we're not. We're with those we love, until we're not. Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility."

    "One of the greatest human triumphs is to choose to make room in our hearts for both the joy and the pain, and to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This means seeing feelings, not as being "good" or "bad" but as just "being". Yes, there is a relentless assumption in our culture that we need to do something when we have inner turmoil. We must struggle with it, fix it, control it, exert brute force willpower over it, remain positive. What we really need to do , though, is also what is most simple and obvious: nothing. that is, to just welcome these inner experiences, breath into them, and learn their contours without racing for the exits."  Susan

    What I love about this is that our whole emotional body is welcome and accepted.  We are not trying to override our emotions with positive platitudes and put sunny faces upon tragedy.  We get to allow all our deep brilliant raw emotions of sorrow to be just that.

    We don't camp there; but we learn from what our emotions are telling us.  I learned so many incredible things about myself, and life, in the years of my darkest days.

    Imagine art with just one tone; where there is no contrast or wild surprises, no dark and light to help express life's beauty?

    She goes on to say:

    "A good question to ask yourself when you're trying to learn from your emotion is, "What the func?"

    "No, that's not a typo for a more explicit question.  "Func" is short for "function," so "What the func" is shorthand for "What is the purpose of this emotion?" What is it telling you? What does it get you? What is buried beneath that sadness, frustration or joy?"

    "Once you stop struggling to eliminate distressing feelings or to smother them with positive affirmations or rationalizations, they can teach us valuable lessons. Self-doubt and self-criticism, even anger and regret, shine light into those dark, murky sometimes demon-haunted places that you most want to ignore, which are places of vulnerability or weakness.  Showing up to these feelings can help you anticipate pitfalls and prepare more effective ways of coping during critical moments."

    "If you confront both your internal feelings and external options – while maintaining the distinction between the two- you will have a much better chance having a good day, not to mention a meaningful life.  You'll make important decisions in light of the broadest possible context. This requires honesty and integrity to incorporate our experiences into a narrative that is uniquely our own, as well as one that will serve us, helping us understand where we've been so that we can better see where we want to go."  Susan

    If we allow our emotions to steer us, I believe, we will live a life that is completely authentic to who we are. 

    When I began listening to my body and its emotions, I was overwhelmed by them.  However, there was a huge backup of negative emotions that I had not felt.  They were all eager to be heard, expressed and then released.  

    Now, my body knows, there is nothing I will not feel. My emotions are greatly valued and honored by me.  I follow where they lead. 

    The term "emotional agility" portrays a person who is nimble and flowing with life.

    Can there be personal integrity IF you never show the full range of emotion?

    What I know about myself, was when I was unable to show my real feelings and follow them, I had rage at things that were innocent; like my children.

    Meaning, I needed to first and foremost, express my feelings of being abused by my parents.  I had to go deeply into this in order to come out to peace.

    Peace isn't to be loving and kind to those who hurt you.

    That is a false peace.

    A peace sign laid a top of wound.

    It doesn't make the wound heal.

    By following my emotions, I was then able to steer myself free from those who don't value me.

    What the func, is a great ask.

    What is this emotion saying?

    I followed my body…and still do.  

    Most children of abuse, are abused as children by someone they know and love.  This adds to the unwillingness to believe our bodies over our hearts and beliefs.

    This sets us up to be inauthentic in order to be safe.

    To leave the wisdom of our bodies and try harder in order to be loved without pain, for we are incapable of leaving and taking care of ourselves. We then, in our minds, try to create a world that discounts our emotions completely.

    We are not born separated from our emotional body.

    Abuse and not having anyone who will listen to our truths, makes it the only thing to do.

    Leave those feelings buried, unheard and unseen, to live removed from our body.

    Being a whole being, is when we can go back and rescue all of our emotions, so we have the ability to steer our lives in all directions, not just to happy or positive or joy!

    I followed the dark shadows and became emotionally agile!

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  • Standing Firm with Pete Rollins…Robcast

     

     

    Above is a podcast that echoes some of what I have been thinking about since the results of our latest presidential election.

    What is interesting about this conversation is it is with a gentleman who was raised in Ireland…so, he understands when a country is divided.

    Very insightful -my calmness was explained as well. 

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  • New Choice

    While I create, I love to listen to thought provoking ideas – people, podcasts and books. 

    Lately, it has been Rob Bell and his podcasts. 

    His podcasts on Forgiveness are very different than how most people see "forgiveness".

     

    "So as dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

    This is where the healthy separation happens.

    Where you are at peace; but separate.

    Forgiveness is much more complicated than just the simple forgiveness with two healthy people. 

    More often than not, it is between one who is protecting their wellness and separation and distance is crucial to be healthy.

    However, the question that I get most often with new people who hear about my estrangement, is "When will you forgive your mother?" or "Will you ever forgive her?"

    What they are really meaning, "Is when will you reunite with her."

    It isn't about forgiveness; but returning to our old relationship.

    Which is why this podcast is important to hear.  I don't have to.

    It would not be healthy for me to do so.

    For some reason many years ago, I had said that I would always be willing to hear my siblings IF they chose to reach out.  I have now decided to amend that.

    I am no longer putting myself in that position. 

    Of going back to where we separated.

    To do a redo of why we are estranged.

    I love that I don't have to answer a text or email or message.

    It frees me from feeling that I have to be open always.

    I don't need to be a free open passage to them.

    Instead I am the aware one who gets to protect herself first.

    It is not my responsibility to remain open.

    I used to believe that I had to put them, and 'our' relationship, before me.

    And, that meant that I would have to open myself up just to be hurt again. 

    Just so they can feel like they tried.  For typically, they come in with harsh words or words of guilt – trying to shame me.

    I don't have to remain open 'in case'.  Instead, I can close the door and leave it closed.

    They don't get to be the one to decide when if and how we will begin a conversation.

    I don't have to answer!

    I love this new choice.

     

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  • My soft heart cries…

     

    Here is a brilliant podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert that will resonate with so many!

    The conversation literally transformed the way I saw my "hard" journey of being estranged from my family. AND, how it does't mean I am a hard person. While I know how difficult so many encounters and relationship endings have been, I think I have held myself accountable. And, in doing that, I subconsciously was a very hard person.

    While my soul cried.

     

    Perhaps my biggest fear is that I do have a cold cold heart.

    That, the very reason there is space between us, is that I have done something wrong. 

    This, I believe has come from being the person to walk gently as to not ruffle feathers, to be the 'kind' person in dysfunction.  

    As I walked softly with them, my truth was held in – deeply.

    So, as I now let my truth out, and I am seen as cold.  I believed it.  I believed it due to the fact of all my years in dysfunction, where I did so much to be seen as one with a soft warm heart.

    For them to see my soft warm heart.

    Waiting for them to feel me – when I myself wasn't completely convinced I was nice.

    Kind.

    Soft.

    We were somehow taught that doing what is right is hard…and that we have to be hard, or tough, to do it. 

    But, what Elizabeth and Amy Purdy were saying is that we can bring our vulnerability to something hard.  Or, as Penelope said, she would dance from her heart.

    Sadly, ever so sadly for me, is that speaking my truth, isn't to be hard or mean. Nor does it mean I have no heart.

    What I guess hurts the most with my last estrangement and, probably with all, was that it was because I cared, that I had a soft heart, that I have spoken what is true.

    How the sorrow drips because, as I had said before, I wasn't an asshole.

    I wasn't the one who was distant or disengaged or unplugged from family.  I was the one in the mix.  My inner nature was/is a soft hearted caring person.

    I saw a little girl today pushing her younger sibling…or two.  She was small.  She was bright. She was smiling with a gap-toothed grin.  She waves like we are best friends. She pushes her siblings. She herself is so small. Tears came to my eyes and a lump in my throat that she is me.  There are quite a few children in her home, and I see her in a role that was once Me.  We are one.

    I have to acknowledge to myself that the image I saw today is who I am.

    Innocently in my childhood picking up the slack, carrying, walking, helping my siblings that I loved.  

    That still stands today.

    I know, that my absence for 12 years isn't seen as love; but hate. Not soft but hard.

    What is the softest but hardest thing you can do when it comes to abuse?

    As they see me now and in years to come, will I always be remembered as the hard one. Not the soft one.  Will even my last estrangement forget the million conversations that were not hard hearted but soft.  Hard to sometimes speak – but my heart was always open. Vulnerable until the last conversation was I – in my truth.

    This is the key I was looking for.

    The image of the blonde little girl pushing so joyfully her siblings.

    She wasn't hitting them.

    Neglecting them.

    But being a second mom.

    A child/second mom, who was innocent; until abused.

    And who broken that silence; which was her hardest walk.

    Knowing, as she was doing it, it would be the very thing, that would change their hearts.

    Change Their hearts.

    Not mine.

    I am still the little girl inside of me, doing the heavy lifting, that is much too big for me.

    And, it is much harder to be estranged with a soft heart.

     

    Thanks Elizabeth Gilbert and your magic lessons. How powerful they are!

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    Moksha means – "Release from the cycle of rebirth impelled by the law of karma.
    the transcendent state attained as a result of being released from the cycle of rebirth.

    Released from my dysfunctional belief that I was born with a hard heart.

    My soft heart cries…

  • Podcasts by Rob Bell

    Rob Bell and I would not seem to be a natural connection. For his passion or what he loves is often laced with bible verses.  Yet my truth and his deeper level of knowing life match.

     His series on Lamenting is brilliant!  There are 5 parts and they build on each other. I highly recommend listening, IF you are in pain and grief or feel unheard etc. He was a huge affirmation.

     

    In fact, the word Lament means "a passionate expression of grief or sorrow and mourning."

    Perhaps, I am the living example of what he speaks of. 

    He is able to take the past and make it revenant today…if that makes sense.

    And, when I left the church, I didn't leave behind the soul of who I am or the truth of what the Universe Is.  

    I heard on one of his podcasts "Look at your God and you can see who you are."

    I love this. 

    I also heard about one God, one Universe, one Reality, one Truth. Some call it God, I call it Truth.  It is all the same. This is my tone.

    There are not two different realities going on at one time. 

    My lamenting is my expressing my sorrow and grief of all the ramifications of daring to speak your truths against the unspoken rule of what we are allowed to talk about.

    All, I know, is that there are more and more folks who are rising to living a life more authentic and use truth to healing…as a power.

    I feel I am in good company.

    Even for those who have been severely put off by the FALC and its cult like traditions, Rob Bell may be a way to come back to center. 

    In fact, he interviews a woman Rabbi and She is the way forward in all religions. 

    Again, while religion has been a taboo subject for me I found her completely authentic and someone relatable. 

     

    Her tone is delightful – and completely accepting!

    I love that there are some brave souls who have the ability to impact the worlds religions and are daring to push back the old ways that no longer work and are willing to create new energies that will change the world!

    Bringing truth to religion – what a concept! 

    I believe, we intuitively know what connects with the truth. And, we also know when we are moving towards it or away. We can tell by how our life reflects inner peace, love and joy AND freedom!

    God's name of God in the old church had me recoil from it's name. My preferred name is Universe for it doesn't come with the trappings of the old energies of the FALC. 

    In fact, religion as a rule has bad vibes for me.  

    Understanding the Universe has to be where you can apply it to Monday morning.

    If not, it is a dead religion.

    Even if you are not a regular participant in any church, or maybe especially if you are not, you might enjoy these podcasts.  

     

  • Loving What Is

    Alexander Shaia and Rob Bell talked about the El Camino and the Journey; the Way, and how there is no preparation for life after the life/soul changing hike.  I feel the exact same way about breaking out of denial.

    It all sounds wonderful and maybe even kind; but the re-entrance and living with the new self is often quite alarming.

    You will be required to think about life and the choices you want to make.  You are no longer on the wheel of knowing and living in automation…as the only self you knew prior.

    A new awareness of who you are has arisen.

    A conscious self who feels we are co-creators and what we say and do matter in the making us Us.

    It is vital and very discerning to see how each thing we say and do adds a layer upon our Self.  Actions are no longer just things; but who we are.

    This integration of a new self in an old life often makes folks head back to the El Camino.

    What happens though when The Way was to become aware of abuse?

    Where can you pack up and go back to?

    I believe I was unaware I was on a path or journey or a thing called The Way as I explored and questioned and read new authors who saw life in a new way. I didn't realize I was traversing towards a new self…or even leaving denial.

    I was just no longer happy with the dead church.  It lay uninspired and more about fear than living.  More about death than living.  More about following than being. More about after death than before death. More about wiping away reality, than reality.

    What I didn't know, is that I was starting to go deeper into life.  Leaving the surface and the usual rhetoric.  The shallow self was slowly growing smaller and a new wider deeper version of me was sprouting.

    When I look back at the day I found out who my father was, it was a day of reckoning with the truth.  It was a pivotal moment on The Way.

    From that point on, I could not Not know.

    It was the turning point of no returning.

    What I have failed to consider is that very few, if any in my family were on a similar path; that the language I speak is foreign to them.  My experiences is not theirs.

    Even if they could try and understand, it would be from the shallow level. 

    When I lived in the shallows; I wasn't even aware of the deeps.

    Let alone did I have any desire, intention or need to converse with people who dwelled in the deeper levels of life.

    What amazes me, is how I forget to remember where I was, how I was or what I only cared about.

    My language and experience of my mental break down into reality,  is beyond what their language can hold.  

    It is like I am an alien…but familiar.

    Ambiguity arises again.

    And I am expecting them to understand me, without taking their own journey into the deep level of the soul. Impossible.

    They also spoke about "openings" on The Way.  How we can sometimes miss the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves for a variety of reasons.

    We can't know when those openings will arise; but they will. We do however have the free will to pass and stay shallow.

    Oh, and today, I heard today with Rob Bell, "All systems bend toward self-preservation."

    That groups will lean toward what is good for the group.  I am so an example of that.  

    In my experience, the family's preservation had them seeing me as wrong…to preserve the family.

    It isn't all to blame on my changing, but their need to preserve the family at all costs (mainly me) matters more.  I am by far secondary and much lower on the totem pole in their hierarchy of needs.

    A sentiment was written to me, "Life is short, my prayer is that someday you will be back in our lives."

    This sentence is an act to control me.  To reign me in, to get me back in line within the family.  

    What I marvel about, is that most who have spoken to me, speak from the level of the group and not as an individual.  Our individual relationship is non-existent.  "In our lives" is different, than in my life.

    It is good to know, that the nature of systems is to bend towards self-preservation.  It isn't personal.  A family group is doing what systems naturally do.

    I too used to see the family as one lump…and each of us had a role, and responsibility, in keeping our family together.  

    My opening to a deeper self had me glimpsing at the truth that lay beneath our family. It was the most critical part on my journey.  Had I missed this opening, I would not be who I am today.

    While the journey has been one of a million sorrows, it has also been brilliantly orchestrated and wildly full of free will…and the journey of self-love.

    I hope to one day walk this El Camino, a narrow stretch of land, whose reputation is that it opens you to your soul…or a deeper level of life.  A journey that changes how you see yourself in the world.

    I love how we are asked to change ourselves and not the world around us.  But, for us to see it as it is.

    One more thing.  I have seen often on Facebook, "I hope something good happens to you today", or "Something good is on its way to you soon" etc.  

    What this does is leave you out of today. It keeps you hoping for 'something' coming.  It doesn't say, look around your path today. Look beneath your feet, in the space where your breath is for something good.  Find the gold today.  Find your happiness and joy here.  You can do it.  It isn't coming on a whim in some distant future brought by some unknown thing.  

    It is here Now.  

    It is already here.  

    Look and see what wonder your journey holds today.

    Stop waiting.

    The journey is unfolding each day, see the sights it offers.

    You don't need to go to the El Camino, The Way is living now…and loving what is.

     

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    PS – I listened today to a delightful Rabbi. She was a guest on Rob Bell's podcast, Rabbi Sharon Brous.  Even if you are not interested in religion, she has a wonderful life story and a great wish for humanity.