I M Perfect lady

Category: WIND

  • New Directions!

    Some nights you can truly feel the WIND beneath your wings.  Its energy feels like inspiration and enthusiasm, oh and courage.  The support comes in smiles, nods of understanding, and intent listening faces.  Surrounded by Art and those willing to jump in and being a willing student to learn something new. That was last night at the Portage Library!

    Thank you to NAMI for inviting us and for the Portage Lake Library and their wonderful helpful kind staff for setting the stage!  I LOVE that the women of WIND carried part of the program.  You girls Rocked!

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    And, it is a super bonus to have my daughter share her love of Zentangle Inspired Art!  There is nothing better than sharing what you love to do!  She is an awesome teacher, not to mention an incredible artist of Zentangle!  Oh and one of my three beautiful daughters.  I love you all!

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    Michele is a natural born speaker! I am so proud of the courage she displayed sharing her Art Therapy and its calming effect in her world.  YOU rocked this totally!!! Her driftwood Art is to die for!  Whimsical and delightful…and therapeutic!

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    Here I am.

    Standing by my Art that says, "Take Risks, and Conquer your Fears!"  

    Yes, this is always a risk to enter into the public arena.  But the benefits simply outweigh the fears.

    I love to share My Lady and my story.

    Always in hopes of inspiring others to dare step off the beaten path into the land of unknown.  To walk away from abuse and into a life that respects you and your soul.

    I am always surprised and amazed in how I am received.  Thanks to all who came to hear our words and to share in our experiences with Art and healing!  Each ear that listens, carries way a bit of the burden…and giving me a huge dose of encouragement!  I thank you!!

    And, I am so impressed and amazed at the power of WIND.

    We so got this girls! 

    Onward to the next adventure!

    The women of WIND truly are wind beneath my wings!

    I love you.

    For being you.  

    And, for rising to each new level of self-empowerment!

    Women who truly are continually in new directions!

  • Speak Out Loud

    Our local chapter of NAMI wanted me to post on my Blog about the upcoming event (May 4th at 7pm) at the Portage Library to help bring awareness to Mental Health.  

    I will be doing a talk on Art Therapy and my daughter will be doing a class on Zentangle Inspired Art.   

    Some of my quilts will be on display and, there will be a shelf of books that I have found helpful, as well as a notice about My Story Line Quilts at Copper Country Mental Health.

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    Having my quilts and my story on display at the local library is a bit daunting.  Again, going public has its moments of angst.

    Mostly from the old church members and/or family.

    In order to promote mental wellness, you are saying where you are unwell.

    Imperfect

    Not right

    Displaying secrets, scars and family shame.

    Out loud

    Beautiful

    Fearlessly 

    and, in fear.

    I do this for the ones who are like me; out and aware, and struggling to find a path that honors you and brings you peace, love and joy.  To find the self that was lost in the swirl of abuse patterns.

    With my art, I am bringing to attention the darker side of life.

    The juxtaposition of my message and my art is remarkable and yet, isn't there beauty in the truth?

    I myself feel healthy and whole mentally, I know that many will not see me that way.

    The old words from long ago echo when I publicly display myself.

    Today is my mother's birthday.

    Our estrangement is my wellness.

    This is what I display.

    Daring to show the unspeakable….is, being a Badass!

    She kept quiet; what I speak out loud!

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  • Badassery is a lifestyle!

    "Loyalty isn't a virtue, neither is patience" is what a wise friend wrote to me. 

    At the same time, I was told of a woman leaving her abusive husband.  I then wondered, what would a great care package consist of, for a woman who is making a huge life change?

    As the thoughts rolled around it came to me, it would be a Welcome to being a Badass!

    This is what it takes to exit abuse.

    You will be leaving loyalty to family, church and state.

    You will be no longer interested in having patience to wait for someone to rescue you, love you, honor you, respect you.  You know, that you have been the one you were waiting for!

    You will have to be your own badass! 

    Sadly, most who strive to leave abuse will have battle their families while doing so.

    It will be multi-layered assaults and or indifference…as you struggle to free yourself from harm.

    So, what would a badass package hold?

    What would inspire hope of a better horizon ahead?

    To me, it would be knowing there is a sisterhood of women whose steps you are following, and their joy, love and peace they now reside in.

    I was sent a packet of flyers about abuse when my father was in court.

    What I would have desperately wanted were signposts of hope.

    Visions of what life had to offer on the other side.

    Perhaps the pitfalls to avoid.

    Items for self-love.

    I will ask the women of WIND, to see if we can make up totes that would give hope to women changing direction in their lives.

    A Badass Welcome!

    I had to look up the word Badassery as defined by Brene Brown.

    "Badassery : when people stand fully in their truth, or when someone falls down, gets back up and says, "Damn, That really hurt, but this is important to me and I'm going in again' – that's a badass."

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     I want to start a Badass Club; where Badassery is a lifestyle!

  • A burden to me!

    From "The Rescued Soul" by Christina Enevolds….

    "Changing My Focus"

    "In my early days of working with survivors of sexual abuse, I was chatting with a friend and fellow advocate. With her children still at home, she expressed how careful she needed to be in the time she lent to her work.  Both of us agreed how challenging it was to find balance in caring for our families and working in a field that we're so passionate about."

    "I was silently celebrating in my mind, "My kids are adults now.  I'm free to serve as much as I want!"

    "A meek little voice interrupted my thoughts. "I'm still here," she pleaded. In an instant, I understood that I still had me to care for. I felt a bit of tenderness for myself, but it was overshadowed by annoyance. Grudgingly, I made a list of things I should do to take better care of myself and started to work through them."

    "As I started, I heard the impatience in my thoughts as though I was waiting outside of myself, tapping my foot, rushing myself through whatever I was doing.  I caught myself demanding, "More important people are waiting for you. Hurry up!"

    "Even when I did pleasant things for myself, it was a chore to complete. The things that most people enjoyed were a burden to me – I was a burden."

    "That was a familiar feeling.  It was the same attitude my mother had about children, about me. She took care of my physical need, but she seemed to resent how exhausting I was."

    "Just as my mother never found joy in caring for me, I never did either. It saddened me that I didn't find pleasure in doing nice things for myself.  I grieved for how my mother treated me and for how I learned to treat myself."       Christina

     

    Wow.

     

    I read this….and then jumped on the mower and moved for a few hours.

    And I weeped for the truth of this in me.

    I knew I was a burden and a chore…and I knew… I held the same 'exhausting burden' of children…not joy.  

    Joy wasn't the go to emotion…work was.  Children are a huge responsibility…a weight.

    As I mowed and wept…I felt the undoing of the burden and the exhaustion of caring for me.

    This is the energy system that was feeding or dragging me….making the care of Me feel so heavy…and not the joy or pleasure of doing good for me.

    I bought this book after a women in WIND recommended it to me.  I have had it for months, and hadn't done more than flip though pages….glancing at bold headings.

    For some reason, tonight I picked it up and read.

    And, it was exactly what I feel I can now work on to care for me in a joyous way.

    As, I have learned to be more joyfully caring with my kids.  

    I refuse to be a burden to me!

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  • Write Your Fears!

    Today a cancer survivor emailed me asking me if I would be interested in  http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/lungleavinday"   Her names is Heather Von St. James.  You can read more about her story at http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/#.VMfJgGR4qFI

    What she has done annually on the First Saturday in February is to write her fears on a plate (glass, ceramic…breakable) and then tosses it into a fire.  Although the real Lung Leavin Day will be celebrated on February 2nd.  It can be done this week, let's say. Or write it on the 2nd and break it on Saturday.

    I like this idea.  She said it has been quite therapeutic!

    It is something I would love the ladies of WIND to do and anyone else who cares to join Heather.  

    I have a different ending to the broken plates and perhaps NOT break them in a fire, but break them. Then, in the near future, remake them into mosaics of Garden Stepping Stones or on a flower pot.

    Transforming our fears into where "something grows".

    We all know that our fears steal our days or nights and can freeze us into not living life; but dreading it.

    Fear doesn't have to be a blockage but it can be a stepping stone into the unknown.

    It can be just a voice from the peanut gallery and what it 'believes' can/could/might happen.

    We can end our fears by writing them and facing them and being challenged by them.

    So, between now and February 2nd, start compiling your fears.

    Gather them together.

    Listen for the ones who scream the loudest and steal your peace.

    And, Write them down.

    Some of us will need a big plate or small handwriting.

    Others….may write fears we used to have as a reminder of what we have overcome.

    My plate will be the later.

    I have had volumes of fears which can be boiled down into a few main categories.

    Find a plate and begin to write your fears!  

    (We can then post our plates on WIND's Facebook page. And then the ones where we took the broken fears and created something beautiful!) Thanks Heather for getting in touch!)

     

     

     

  • Never Been Before.

    My concept of WIND (Women In New Directions) was to energize and expand the inner landscape; in order to grow confident into new choices.  Choices that will change your life to reflect more and more your true essence.

    This week, I experienced three different meetings…based on WIND.

    Women of WIND helped to facilitate a collage workshop at Northern Lights Clubhouse.  I was able to witness the engaged energies and creative force from each individual.  The intense focus transported them into the project at hand…taking them into a space where expression is expressed via art…and it was more about being themselves, than it was about having to be something else to fit in.

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    I am not sure I will adequately be able to encapsulate the moving force that seems to be self energized when you bring yourself into the space of free creating…where no rules are present.

    The energy comes from inside.

    Busting through the gates society has placed on 'normal' or 'good enough' and to allow the Art to silence the familiar blocks.

    My second meeting was WIND itself…where we are comfortable with each other and at trying new things together.  Within the group I have seen personalities expand as we meet twice monthly and have lost lots of the insecurities while creating. We have come to learn to be secure as beginners. IMG_2910

    The third meeting was my Art Quilt Meeting, which was the impetus for creating WIND…it was the model I have aspired to re-create.

    I entered that meeting tired…empty and wasn't even sure if I was going to attend, until 20 minutes before it started.  

    What I experienced was the way you are literally changed by being around creativity and folks who are daring to express themselves in Art.

    It isn't about perfect art form.

    It isn't about the end results.

    It is about the space that is open for self expression; minus all rules.

    It is about seeing something from nothing.

    Meaning art that comes without a pattern.

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    There is hope, inspiration and generalized courage to be different, unique and yourself!

    In the aftermath of the Art Quilt Group, I was so UP and energized I did not sleep well.  My mind was running with ideas…

    What I know to be true, in my experience…is that creative expression changes your inner world.  It takes the vacuum like space and fills it with wild multifaceted colorful energy that begs to be expressed.

    It takes you out of routine and dares you to dance with new confidence and courage, to throw caution to the wind and take new chances…perhaps finding a new direction!

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    Not only was I part of a new group to WIND, but WIND and then the Original group which inspired WIND and I felt personally the lift in my inner energy. WIND will take you to places you have never been before!

  • A Wonderful Masterpiece!

    Last night, WIND was treated to a class of Zentangle, by Cari Raboin a Certified Zentangle Instructor. I was mis-informed, and thought it was more about one continuous line and not picking up your pen once you started.  I was way off, delightfully so!

    Zentangle, is more about being in the now.  Using pencils with NO erasers…about not knowing where you going, and adjusting your design as you make new design opportunities..with a drawing error or so your mind thinks. Like Meditational drawing, it keeps you present…away from the future or past.

    For Zentangle, Cari was the perfect instructor and we, all 8 of us, were attentive students.


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    This is my Tile, as they are called.  A 3 by 5 piece of Italian paper…small so as not to be so intimidating, like taking a small step into drawing art.

    She doesn't show us the whole design, but takes us through it one line at a time…like life, we can only know what to do in this moment and won't know what the completed picture will look like, until…


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    Using just pencil (no eraser) and a fine marker, we created a drawing of interest, depth and movement.  

    And, when we put all of ours together, it was quite remarkable.  Each of us, could pick ours out, for we knew our lines, our mark…what our hands had made.

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    How similar and different, how we interpeted or orchestrated her instructions in our own way…and all ways are remarkable and beautiful.

    Zentangle is a Metaphor for Life!

    The tile was divided up into four sections and the individual design that went into each section was called a Tangle.  I love that.  And, each Tangle has a name…which I have already forgotten…and there are hundreds of them.

    I would highly recommend taking a Zentangle class…it brings you back to the early years of coloring; but this time you are part of the whole process!

    It is also a way to look at life differently, to get a broad picture….that all we have to do is work on this step now, and step by step we are creating a wonderful masterpiece.  

    (Our Certified Zentangle Instructor, Cari Raboin teaches classes locally as well as in other areas in the U.P.  Her website is http://www.cctangles.wordpress.com there you can find more information on her upcoming classes and a way to contact her.)

    Cari, my heartfelt thanks for allowing WIND to experience Zentangle…for volunteering your time and passion in the Art of Zentangle! 


  • Touched by my Art

    The journey with "My Lady" has been one that is unknown and a mystery and enthralling to be part of.  I just never know the bends it will take and the energy she will be given and even the life lessons I will learn in the darkest of times…

    As I sat pondering my path, my stance or stand against abuse; that excludes family and its cost or application…I contemplated silence.  I felt that my art even came at a cost…to stand by her. That perhaps and maybe, I would have more peace and joy by letting HER go.  To be me, but silently. To end the bold and loud display of who I am.  

    And, then….out of the blue a card arrived, on one of my low days.

    A woman who saw my quilts at the Portage Lake Library…expressing how they touched her, spoke to something within her…and, how her late husband was an artist, how she wanted to support me AND MY CAUSE…

    I sat stunned.

    What could I say….that I was going to stop?  That I was too tired…of the side-effects…

    Instead her letter intrigued and excited me…and I was humbled that she had chosen me and my work as something she wanted to contribute to in any way. This gesture out of the blue, moved the clouds of doubt away.

    I was fueled once again.

    I was wondering and pondering again, but in ways that we could conspire to expand the visibility of My Lady.  

    Imagine, going from wanting to darken and hide my Art, to looking for ways to expand her exposure…such is the power of one card.

    Of one person willing to reach out.

    We met.

    We talked.

    We connected.

    We shared.

    We dreamed.

    We conspired.

    My Lady, my admirer and I.

    She wants to remain anoymous…which will be tough for me…and it does add to the mystery.  A Lady behind My Lady and I.

    I want her to be part of the process to be active and engaged…yet hidden.  

    One of the best parts of My Lady, is meeting other women who connect with her, who find her energy contageous, who love her independence and strength, her courage and fearlessness.

    We met woman to woman; and spoke of what we could do to bring out "My Lady" spirit in other women, to encourage them to make a change, to take the first step in growing, to dare to do something for themselves…

    After the deluge of unbelievers in me, it felt good to have this woman understand me.  She even said at one point, "your family doesn't even know this you, the you you have become…" and she is right.

    And, they may never know her.

    She is a motherly type, a woman as complex as My Lady…and she is stepping up to help me and my cause…because she was touched by my Art.

     
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  • On the Road to Recovery

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    My second visit to Copper Country Mental Health was carrying a carpet roll of 26 Art Quilts…or Art Therapy quilts to be more exact.  My Lady is being showcased for Recovery Month at this healing space.

    Shelly and Joe were terrific in orchestrating where the quilts were to be hung.  It was decided to not put them in numerical order, but to have them be placed randomly and for it to be a surprise as to what each mean and their order.  I liked this idea.

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    Rick was our measuring man, keeping things in balance and so easy to work with…Everyone who happened by had comments and interest.  I love that my lady was catching attention…


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    A good team, fun quilts and wonderful wall space…and it is my hope they will inspire and lend courage to those who are healthy enough to realize the help that can be gotten here.


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    My lady engaging the sitting area with their color and content…part of the recovery conversation.



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    This is space is as you enter into the building.  I think the quilts do a wonderful job welcoming all!

    It is my hope they bring a softer tone to a place often filled with stigma and shame…at least for those of us who are in need of their services. 

    And, you have to wonder how we, society as a rule, have it so wrong…that it is shameful to admit we need help, that we are not able to handle our lives and our truths.

    My Lady is bringing the public eye to a space that is typically protected and private, and feels even that I am hanging quilts in spaces often kept in the dark…bringing artful color and loud boldness to clinical hushed tones.

    There is even a small fear that the 'public' will mix with the 'private' and that it will cause 'discomfort' and, for us not to advertise or to open up general traffic, so that the privacy can be maintained…

    Meaning, to offer this display to the public, will draw to much of the general public to this space…a space where folks like to keep their mental illness private.

    However, it is my humble opinion, that most of the public is/was or will be in need of these services…if not now, then at some point in their future.  Mental Health is for all, not just the most wounded among us.

    I would love for My Lady and I, to begin the process of normalizing the look of those in need of Mental Health.  To stop the judgement against those who are willing and able to admit, their lives and their minds are in need of a second opinion.  

    I even believe, that my quilts, if allowed to be advertised in a public way, would bring folks into offices in which people are too scared to enter….to admit, that they could use an ear to listen or help with locating helpful services that will restore balance.

    Perhaps we could all start entering this space as we do a dentist.  We don't let our teeth go untreated, due to the fear of being recognized that we have neglected our mouths, and yet our minds somehow have been tagged with a negative connotation.

    And really, who among us can state that they have always had a clear mind, that they have never had troubles with their lives, their choices, and their truths, that their history has been a clean slate of pure brilliance and perfection?

    I truly believe that we all could use extra help. That if we paid attention to our mental health, our emotional and physical would take care of itself.  

    So….that being said, I highly suggest we all take a stroll through Copper Country Mental Health and begin to neutralize the stigma of Mental Health.

    And, you know what came to me….that when you can recognize and own that your mental health isn't quite right, you are on the road to recovery.

    (Perhaps there should be a sign only the Perfect need not enter. We somehow believe that it is failing to be imperfect. And, as you know, It is impossible to be imperfect….for even the word says, I'm Perfect!)



  • The Process of Becoming You.

    It came to me yesterday, that setting up boundaries is a fuzzy idea, but not one we take and pick apart.  It seems to be a phrase that sounds good, but what does it mean?  What is a boundary and how do you establish one?  How visible are these so called boundaries or the lack of them?

    As I have been composing a letter of NO to my mother about her attendance at my daughter's wedding, it came to me, that is a boundary.  Saying no is building a boundary. Stating a choice is also a boundary.  Speaking your preference is establishing borders and fences, defining who you are.

    And, I have also noticed that most people have very few boundaries, or ones that are weak and easily gotten over.  To me, it is the after affect of being abused; we lose the right to protect ourselves.  We may even have never been taught how to by the lack of seeing it in action via our parents.

    My father had zero regard to the word no…as he sexually absused each little girl, whose whole demeanor screamed NO.  

    My mother stood on the other side of no, she didn't believe she had the right to say no.

     To me, the most valuable boundary is the ability to say yes and the option to say no.

    And, anyone who doesn't hear your no, isn't capable of loving you. And, there can't be a solid trusting relationship, if you are not allowed to say no.

    Our most intense empowerment word is NO.

    A boundary that allows us to protect our self…from being hurt.

    Children whose ability for choice is removed, are more in danger of being abused. Children who are born into these cult like religions of the FALC, OALC etc.  Where you are not allowed the freedom to choose.

    Predators naturally gravitate to the ones who are too kind to say no.

    And, conversely, our society feels that kindness is a virtue. 

    The word that I have the most respect for is No.

    For, if you can't say No, I do not trust your yes…..as Byron Katie says.

    Your yes, could be a pretend yes….while your inner feelings are NO.

    I no longer pretend to pretend, to pretend…when I see the two options…I love my ability to speak No as easily now as I used to say yes.

    In each of our lives, our pathway is continually being crossed with other folks who will be asking us to say yes or to say no.  The more truthful you can be with your yes and your no, the more authentic your journey will be and the more I can trust you.

    I also recall that the elders in my world as a child got to say No, but I didn't.  It was something that only adults had the rights to.

    Giving our children the right to say No, is for them to hold on to their sense of self and self worth; putting a boundary that will define what their preferences are.

    To me, a person without boundaries blends into the background…lost in the sea of many; undefined.

    Blending harmoniously into whatever surrounds them, camouflaged to fit the surroundings, losing the characteristic of self…wanting to fit in and not stand out.

    Boundaries will make you stand out…defining you.

    Setting up boundaries, is to begin the process of becoming you.