I M Perfect lady

Category: WIND

  • Without Your Self


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    Krishnamurti writes about "Art, Beauty and Creation", in his book "Education and the Significance to Life."

    "Most of us are constantly trying to escape from ourselves; and as art offers a respectable and easy means to doing so, it plays a significant part in the lives of many people.  In the desire for self-forgetfulness, some turn to art, others take to drink, while still others follow mysterious and fanciful religious doctrines."

    "When, consciously or unconsciously, we use something to escape from ourselves, we become addicted to it.  To depend on a person, a poem, or what you will, as a means of release from our worries and anxieties, though momentarily enriching, only creates further conflict and contradiction in our lives."

    "The state of creativeness cannot exist where there is conflict, and the right kind of education should therefore help the individual to face his problems and not glorify the ways to escape; it should help him to understand and eliminate conflict, for only then can this state of creativeness come into being."

    "Art divorced from life has no great significance. When art is separated from our daily living, where there is a gap between our instinctual life and our efforts on canvas, in marble or in words, then art becomes merely an expression of our superficial desire to escape from the reality of what is. To bridge this gap is very arduous, especially for those who are gifted and technically proficient; but it is only when the gap is bridged that our life becomes integrated and art an integral expression of ourselves."

    "Mind has the power to create illusions; and without understanding its ways, to seek inspiration is to invite self-deception. Inspiration comes when we are open to it, now when we are courting it. To attempt to gain inspiration through any form of stimulation leads to all kinds of delusions."

    "Unless one is aware of the significance of existence, capacity or gift gives emphasis and importance to the self and its cravings.  It tends to make the individual self-centered and separative; he feels himself to be an entity apart, a superior being, all of which breeds many evils and causes ceaseless strife and pain. The self is a bundle of many entities, each opposed to the others.  It is a battlefield of conflicting desires, a center of constant struggle between the "mine" and the "not-mine"; and as long as we give importance to the self, to the "me" and the "mine", there will be increasing conflict within ourselves and in the world."

    "A true artist is beyond the vanity of the self and its ambitions. To have the power of brilliant expression, and yet be caught in wordly ways, makes for a life of contradiction and strife. Praise and adulation, when taken to heart, inflate the ego and destroy receptivity, and the worship of success in any field is obviously detrimental to intelligence."

    "Any tendency or talent which makes for isolation, any form of self-identification, however stimulating, dissorts the expression of sensitivity and brings about insensitivity. Sensitivity is dulled when gift becomes personal, when importance is given to the "me" and the "mine" – I paint, I write, I invent. It is only when we are aware of every movement of our own thought and feeling in our relationship with people, with things and with nature, that the mind is open, pliable, not tethered to self-protective demands and pursuits; and only then is there sensitivity to the ugly and the beautiful, unhindered by the self."

    Sensitivity to beauty and to ugliness does not come about through attachment; to comes with love, when there are no self-created conflicts. When we are inwardly poor, we indulge in every form of outward show, in wealth, in power, and possessions. When our hearts are empty, we collect things. If we can afford it, we surround ourselves with objects that we consider beautiful, and because we attach enormous importance to them, we are responsibile for much misery and destruction."

    "The acquisitive spirit is not the love of beauty; it arises from the desire for security, and to be secure is to be insensitive. The desire to be secure creates fear; it sets going a process of isolation which builds walls of resistance around us, and these walls prevent all sensitivity. However beautiful an object may be, it soon loses its appeal for us; we get used to it, and that which was joy becomes empty and dull. Beauty is still there, but we are no longer open to it, and it has been absorbed into our monotonous daily existence."

    "Since our hearts are withered and we have forgotten how to be kindly, how to look at the stars, at the trees, at the reflections on water, we require stimulation of pictures and jewels, ob books and endless amusements. We are constantly seeking new excitements, new thrills, we crave an ever-increasing variety of sensations. It is this craving and its satisfaction that make the mind and heart weary and dull. As long as we are seeking sensation, the things that we call beautiful and ugly have but a very superficial significance. There is lasting joy only when we are capable of approaching all things afresh – which is not possible as long as we are bound up in our desires. The craving for sensation and gratification prevents the experiencing of that which is always new. Sensations can be bought, but not the love of beauty."

    "When we are aware of the emptiness of our own minds and hearts without running away from it into any kind of stimulation or sensation, when we are completely open, highly sensitive, only then can there be creation, only then shall we find creative joy. To cultivate the outer without understanding the inner must inevitably build up those values that lead men to destruction and sorrow."

    "Learning a technique may provide us with a job, but it will not make us creative; whereas, if there is joy, if there is the creative fire, it will find a way to express itself, one need not study a method of expression. When one really wants to write a poem, one writes it, and if one has the technique, so much the better; but why stress what is but a means of communication if one has nothing to say? When there is love in our hearts, we do not search for a way of putting words together."

    "Great artists and great writers may be creators, but we are not, we are mere spectators. We must read vast numbers of books, listen to magnificent musci, look at works of art, but we never directly experience the sublime; our experience is always through a poem, through a picture, through the personality of the saint. To sing we must have a song in our hearts; but having lost the song, we pursue the singer. Without an intermediary we feel lost; but we must be lost before we can discover anything. Discovery is the begining of creativeness; and without creativeness, do what we may, there can be no peace or happiness for man."

    "We thing that we shall be able to live happily, creatively, if we learn a method, a technique, a style; but creative happiness comes only when there is inward richness, it can never be attained through any system.  Self-improvement, which is another way of assuring the security of the "me" and the "mine," is not creative, nor is it love of beauty. Creativeness comes into being when there is constant awareness of the ways of the mind, and of the hinderance it has built for itself."

    "The freedom to create comes with self-knowledge; but self-knowledge is not a gift. One can be creative without having any particular talent. Creativeness is a state of being in which the conflicts and sorrow of the self are absent, a state in which the mind is not caught up in the demands and pursuits of desire."

    "To be creative is not merely to produce poems, or statues, or children; it is to be in a state in which truth can come into being. Truth comes into being when there is a complete cessation of thought; and thought ceases only when the self is absent, when the mind has ceased to create, that is, when it is no longer caught in its own pursuits. When the mind is utterly still without being forced or trained into quiecence, when it is silent because the self is inactive, then there is creation."

    "The love of beauty may express itself in a song, in a smile, or in silence; but most of us have no inclination to be silent. We have not the time to observe the birds, the passing clouds, because we are too busy with out pursuits and pleasures. When there is no beauty in our hearts, how can we help children to be alert and sensitive? We try to be sensitive to beauty while avoiding the ugly; but avoidance of the ugly makes for insensitivity. If we would develop sensitivity in the young, we ourselves must be sensitive to beauty and to ugliness, and must take every opportunity to awaken in them the joy there is in seeing, not only the beauty that man has created, but also the beauty of nature."  Krishnamurti

    There is so much in this short section about the complex and simple place where beauty, art and creativity is born, it is born when we lose our self and our desires or what he calls pursuits. 

    How interesting for me, that my art flourished while my world fell apart.  Now it appears that it is truly the only place it can, when there is no me frantically needing and doing things that make up the Me world.

    It leads me to wonder about the WIND, the women in new directions. Is it possible to create your self into the empowered state, OR do you first have to investigate you and destroy the you that needs or desires things, due to being empty inside?  Do the women come empty to WIND, and will they be able to create since they have lost themselves?  Will the pursuit of creativity lead to the discovery of self?

    Is it like the quesiton of the chicken or the egg?

    From what he writes, he is saying true beauty and truth….and creativity comes when you are full inside, when you heart is full and there is no need for anything, when the mind isn't seeking…a space is there that  allows inspiration to flow.


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    And, are you in fact, the most creative when you are in the midst of great change, when you don't know who you are.  When your life and self you thought you knew is left lifeless on the ground….is it then, that you are most open?

    Interesting for me to note.  

    Being creative is best done without your self.



  • Reconnected with my Soul.

    I wondered about knowing your own self worth…is it possible to be full of great wisdom, love, compassion, caring, etc and not know it?  Can a person really not see themselves and their gifts?  Where does self worth come from and how is it so easily overlooked?

    What is self worth?  Is it to see your self with your own eyes and can you do this objectively, or is there a flimy residue of past neglect covering you up?

    I have read that children see themselves through their parent's eyes….(in Alice Miller's books). That how our mother's look at us, is how we learn to see ourselves.

    Is that true?

    But, I also have witnessed people who were abused, and how they see themselves as only valuable when they are 'in use' by others. That they themselves have very little use for themselves in their own life. Their value lies strictly in how much other people need them.

    So, if you come from a very self absorbed mother who didn't see you, you will not see your self either.  And, if your father abused you, HE seen you as his desire…not yours.

    I just wonder when or how we get to our own view of self?

    What has to happen before we can see our own self worth?

    I guess for me, it was when I could clearly see I wasn't seen.

    I felt completely worthless in their eyes.

    I was reduced to nothing.

    I then had to re-build myself.

    My sense of self worth was an inside job and often times I was rediculed by others, and hollered at for choices I made while creating a self that was worth something.

    Even today, this self I now have, isn't always accepted or appreciated or even liked, by others, let alone understood, but inside, the way I see me…I like me.  I love my strength and convictions, my knowings and my feelings.  I am a peace with who I am.  I feel worthy, being me.

    My old view was with my mother's eyes and my worth, was how I was used…and I discovered I was solely used by her to keep her story going, to keep her 'family' together, to keep abuse far and wide from our lives, while abuse worked behind the scenes stealing the worth of each and every child.

    My mother had wrote about me, "Picking up the stragglers" in our family….like my task was to make things 'right' after the damage was done, to fix things, to make them okay again.  And, if I failed, I wasn't giving enough, trying hard enough, doing enough.

    I recall one night laying in my bed and feeling the enormity of their (my parent's) damage, how it not only affect our lives, but our childrens lives.  How it was so far beyond my reach of fixing…sobbing, shaking to the point of losing it, I let it all go.

    Let go of my responsibility for fixing the mess I did not create.

    I disappeared…for I was shown how helpless I really was…without a use. 

    Not only was I abused, but I wasn't going to be able to fix anyone…

    Abuse's insidious energy had completely overwhelmed our family….leaving behind worthless feelings, rising against guilt and shame.  And yet, they (siblings) rallied on, working to make their family right by not seeing yet again…or seeing it through my mother's eyes.

    The cycle completes itself.  Children who are not seen, will not see their children.

    Children who are not seen have no value…unless they are fixing their parents lives.

    This spinning hurricane of worthlessness not stopping…just seemingly to gain more energy as they worked to keep our family 'right'.

    While they were busy shoring up my father's/mother's life, they neglected to see, yet again, their own.

    Their sense of self worth is extracted by what they do for others…never minding at what cost to themselves.

    My journey could be classified with this quote,  "The path into light seems dark, the path forward seems indirect, the direct path seems long…the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."

    Is the journey recovering your own self worth?

    Who is responsible for it?

    Where will you find it?

    How will you know it?

    When I seen my worth in my mother's eyes, I knew how empty I was…I had done very little for me.

    I have spent the last 8 years filling up my self.


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    For, if your only value is outside of yourself, you can only see you in their eyes.  It will be impossible to see your self, for you eyes are always turned outward to find your worth.

    My own eyes could not see me.  I only judged me by how others reacted or needed me.  They owned me and gave me value.

    And, coming from dysfunction or abuse or co-dependent living, you will have to disappoint and become value less in their eyes in order to regain your worth.

    "If I gained the world…but, lost the Savior…" comes to mind.  I reconnected with my Soul.



  • Wordlessness…

    "Wordlessness shifts consciousness out of the verbal part of the brain and into the more creative, intuitive, and sensory brain regions. Which is more powerful? Well, the verbal region processes about forty bits of information per second. The nonverbal processes about eleven million bits per second."  

    Martha Beck writes about this in her new book, "Finding You Way in a Wild New World."

    "Wounded into Wordlessness."

    "Sometimes it takes a radical event to reawaken you into the inner voice that's always telling you what decisions to make, what to embrace and what to avoid, how to steer through various inner and outer situations. This happened to Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist at Harvard Medical School, when, at the age of thirty-seven, she had a massive stroke that wiped out the speech center in the left hemisphere of her brain. An expert in neurology, she was able to observe her own horrific experience with clinical precision, but it took her eight long years of grueling effort to rebuild her verbal functions so that she could describe the event in words. Immediately after the stroke she didn't even recognize her own mother, or know what the word "mother" meant."

    "This would have been tragic if it hadn't been so illuminating. You see, as Taylor lost her ability to think verbally, she gained the experience of a human mind freed from language. And that, it turned out, was worth having."

    "I felt enormous and expansive," Taylor recounted later, in a TED talk you should watch (Google "Jill Bolte Taylor TED talk").  "My spirit soared free lie a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria." Before her stroke, Taylor "knew" herself to be "a single individual separated from the energy flow around (her) and separated from (others)."  But when her verbal brain shut down, she found herself knowing, with equal if not greater conviction, that she lived in a universally interconnected universe in which "we are perfect. We are whole. And we are beautiful."

    "This is precisely the kind of thing we hear from menders of all cultures: Wordlessness allows us to see our true nature, and to heal from the violence of a thought system that cuts us apart, destroying compassion for ourselves and others…."

     "Unlearning To Be Brilliant."

    "To master Wordlessness, heal your true nature, and become a wayfinder, you must unlearn almost everything you were taught in school about what it means to be intelligent. The sharp focus you were told to sustain is actually a limiting, stressful, narrow, attention field – something animals only use in the moment of "fight or flight". Dropping into Wordlessness moves the brain into its "rest and relax" state. This affects the whole body, releasing a flood of hormones that helps repair and heal your body, relaxes your muscles, and puts you into a deep stillness, with expressionless face and soft eyes. Because you're paying attention to so much nonverbal sensory data, you may not respond verbally to comments or questions from other people when you're wordlessly "in the moment."

    "In our culture, gazing into the middle distance, ignoring language, and reacting only to genuine social interactions, physical feelings, and emotions is interpreted as laziness or stupidity. This is one reason we're so plagued by unhappiness and illness.  Yet when you drop into Wordlessness, you may find that not paying attention to words is a delicate, sophisticated, and at first difficult skill. You won't be good at it without a lot of practice.  I don't mean mere repetition, but something psychologists call "deep practice."

    "Deep-Practicing Wordlessness"

    "Scientists have recently discovered that we physically restructure our brains when we learn new skills, especially when we use a learning process known as "deep practice." Deep practice is more than simply repeating something over and over.  In deep practice, we aim for a precise experience, at first "getting it" only in brief flashes, then repeating the effort until we can perform the skill reliably. Wayfinders of all cultures deep-practice dropping into wordlessness whenever they need to orient themselves, to figure out what they should do next or which direction to go."

    "You'll find sever methods of dropping into Wordlessness in this chapter. Remember you can't learn them by reading about them. Trying to understand Wordlessness by reading is like trying to understand skydiving by drawing parachutes. Please, actually try the exercises. In fact deep-practice them.  You'll know they're working when you begin feeling flickers of peace, calm and safety.  You'll become more aware of the subtle clues informing you about your surroundings, about other people's feelings and intentions.  You'll want to make choices according to your own perceptions rather than whatever people are telling you. You don't have to start acting differently – not all at once – but you'll begin to figure you how you wish you could act. Persist long enough, and you'll be able to stretch the moments of total clarity into minutes and eventually hours.  If you want to be at true wayfinder the will come when you remain in a Wordless state most of the time."

    "Techniques for Dropping Into Wordlessness: The Paths to Stillness."

    Le'ts start with the best-known ways of reaching wordlessness, which I call the paths of stillness. They involve – follow the logic closely here – sitting still. Meditation, which was regarded as bizarre by most Americans, during my childhood, is now something many of us feel we should be doing, the way we feel we should stop eating sugar and organize our shopping receipts.  If you love to meditate, good for you! Keep it up! But if meditation holds the same appeal for you as water-soluble medical fiber, try one of the techniques below. They're very simple, which shouldn't be confused with easy. Persist at deep-practicing these techniques until you feel flickers of softness, expansion and peace. Then practice holding the sensation longer and longer."

    I am only going to write one….here Martha lists 3 in her book.

    "Path of stillness: Follow your bloodstream."

    "This method, which one of my teachers learned from the tracker Tom Brown Jr. is supposedly an Apache technique for putting the mind in a state of Sacred Silence. It's my personal favorite way of dropping into wordlessness.

    1. Take a few deep, full breaths.

    2. Exhale completely, and pause before inhaling.

    3. In the space before you need to breathe in again, focus your attention on your heart until you can feel it beating. This may take up to a minute.

    4. Take another breath and exhale.  Along with your heartbeat, find the sensation of your pulse moving through your hands, feet, scalp, entire body.

    5. Stay focused on the feeling of your entire circulatory system as it channels your lifeblood to your head and extremities.  See if you can feel it moving through your organs as well.

    6. Perform some simple task – walking, washing the dishes, making your bed – while continuing to feel your heartbeat and over all pulse.  You'll find the activity becomes strangely blissful.

    "Wordlessness in Motion."

    Feeling your bloodstream while you walk around is a level of Wordlessness that can challenge many meditators, who associate deep awareness with sitting peacefully on a cushion in their favorite yoga studio. Fully reclaiming your true nature means sustaining a Wordless connection to your environment and inner condition no matter what's going on.  This means replacing thoughts about events with authentic sensations that track whatever's occurring in the present moment.  Because thinking is the most familiar state of being for most of us, dropping thought and feeling our sensations and emotions may be frightening, even painful. But in the end, it's far less painful that typical human behavior, which is to become lost in thoughts and unavailable to anything real."

    "Our universal teaching from wayfinders is that we suffer more from our thoughts about events than from the events themselves. Detaching from our verbal thoughts eliminates almost all of our psychological suffering. As wordlessness arises, fears about the future and regrets or anger about the past events slip away, because past and future don't exist except in stories in our minds. This, according to psychoneuroimmunolgist Robert Sapolsky, is why wild animals don't get stress-related illnesses. They react with fight or flight responses when circumstances call for it, but then return quickly to a baseline of relaxation."  Marth Beck.

    I love this book and how she is explaining what I have experienced.  How my word mind failed me and I was then plugged into the wordlessness.


  • Your Life Lessons.

    Did you know that we don't all feel the same? Well, we all feel fear as fear, but what we fear is where the differences lie.

    And, we learn to fear things by experiences.  Our spectrum or knowledge of fear is based upon how often we had to learn what to fear by being hurt first.

    This is not something that can be taught second hand, it is first hand experiential learning.  It will require you to walk along, believing you are safe and okay, until you are not.  

    We each get to walk out into many different relationships and experiences with full trust and faith, until something happens.  It is this happening, where learning is learned.

    I did not know that feelings were taught and grown lesson by lesson…and they are completely personal.  We can give a heads up, but a believing person has faith and trust that the path they are on is 'different' than my lesson.  

    That even if there are clues and facts that appear similar to my old road, theirs will be the exception…theirs will be the one in a million chance of turning out good, against all odds.

    Yet, I can't picture a world without this faith, trust and believability.  It is called youth…the young folk and Hope.

    What I also have great faith in, is that there is a line in everyone's life, that when it is crossed, their feelings will change.  We can't know where the line is or sometimes even what the line is, but it is lying there hidden, until exposed.

    When something happens, it changes the course we were on…our feelings change and we course correct.

    Somehow, I forget this in the lives of my adult children.  I forget that they are learning life. They are finding the lines in their lives…the boundaries.

    What I as a Mother want, is to spare my children pain, suffering and heartache and hurt…but it would be to stop them from learning about life.  

    It does seem though, that some are on a fast track of learning…and are putting themselves in very vulnerable positions…with their hearts wide open full of trust and faith…believing.

    The perfect student pose.

    I didn't know that watching your children learn could be so difficult to watch.

    In order to be a fully emotional being, with courage and strength, you have to get in the middle of some very messy life lessons….to go in deep completely wide open.

    Ugh.

    The only way for me to survive is to know that broken hearts are strong hearts….and wise beyond their years.  Wisdom doesn't come into our lives via the easy road or on the one most traveled.  It often arrives amidst betrayal and deceit…or on needy self absorbed charmers.

    We don't learn by what we do, but more often by what is done to us.

    How I feel about a certain event and how you feel about the same event, will depend upon the scars from your life lessons.


  • Patterns in one Family

    What is a healthy mother daughter relationship? What is my business and what is theirs? When does a healthy mother get involved and when does she stay away? What is balance or what causes imbalance?  What is concern and what is meddling? When is it controlling and when is it being caring?

    Coming from utter neglect, I am having troubles either over stepping or not stepping at all.  I swing from either pole…but can't seem to find that delicate step on the sweet spot of middle.

    Where it honors each of us, but isn't blind.

    Where it is involved, but not overpowering.

    Where love is expressed and concern is shown…and freedom lies.

    And, is it my delivery or is it in the receiving?

    Is it better to see and address things that you see are out of kilter or is it better to be silent in a forced peace?

    Is it possible to be four different moms with four different kids, or am I the same mom with four different responses?

    Am I just me and Me feels different depending upon where you are standing?

    Or, do I change how I mother with each kid?

    Or even more, do I change how I mother in different situations?

    Is my history of neglect more transparent in certain situations and less in others?

    Am I more acutely aware in places where I detect abuse, than in places where there is none?

    Do I become an uncompromising mom when I detect toxic energy?

    I am finding it hard to find reasonable…or hard to know when to push forward and when to back off?

    My mothering slope is quite steep or very low…..and I swing from Caring Less to Over Caring.

    Is there a spot called perfect caring?

    A place where trust and faith and love live…

    My mothering model goes from controlling and conditional, to caring less into a dark pit of who cares.

    It always seems like I slide swiftly by reason and plunge directly into being left in the cold…or being completely responsible and controlling about things I have no control over.

    It is like my tool box of mother is filled with extreme and limited responses…and what would come natural is very unnatural for me.

    I have to will myself back to reason…while not knowing what reason is?

    Like hunting for a certain place, yet not knowing what it is…and then camping there unknowning if it is the middle.  It could be just a tad out of neglect….or it could be closer to the middle, I never seem to know.

    My inner gauge has been tampered with.

    Its readings are not quite right.

    So, I mostly error in over compensation…which I am sure feels like smothering or being in their business.

    And, what is the business of mother child? 

    How much is reasonable to share and what becomes intrusive?

    How do you discern the lines of reason?

    What is a mother's role as their children enter into adulthood?

    When do you back away or do you?

    I have witnessed the backing out, until there is no relationship, but a holiday one. Is that considered normal?  Am I expecting and being unreasonable to want more?

    What is so extremely hard is finding the healthy balance coming from such imbalance and not over stepping into another unhealthy spot of being overpowering.

    It is like Neglect is on one pole and Control on the other….and I have to find the middle of the road.

    To not control, but to allow….but not allow in a careless way.

    To set up standards, but not have rules…or conditions, yet have them.

    It seems like mothering is asking the impossible….to lead but not lead….to allow, but not allow.  To know when to say when and when not to say when.

    It is the damned if you do and your damned if you don't.

    But, looking back at my own experience of being mothered.  I feel that she failed me in not responding when she should have.

    She didn't respond when abuse stepped in.

    She acted like it was all okay.

    Like I was not in danger, while I was.

    Like I was okay when I was not.

    So, I am trying to mother with the aid of reality. To, at the bare mininum, respond to what I see, hear and feel.  To be aware of my children's lives WHEN they go off balance.

    It is like we are all humming along, until one slips….and slides away. AND, then I become involved.  But, am I too involved?  Is it possible to be too caring as one is slipping off center?

    I am sure, at some point, a mother has to let them go. To allow them to slip off center and then to climb back on…in their own time….or not at all.

    I just find it so maddening to see, accept and have to surrender and to allow….one of my kids to be off center.

    Is it unreasonable to want or expect children to be perfectly balanced in their lives…especially coming from whence they came.  I am one of the factors that tipped them off the line of self balance.

    So, how now, can I help them get back?

    How do I actively help bring them back to their center and self empowerment?

    What is my role?

    Is it helpful to show where they are off….or is it more helpful to ignore it?

    And, is it even possible for me to pretend to pretend that I don't see them off their game?

    And, do I have to support their imbalance?

    Am I not allowed to be a mother who wants above all else for my children to be balanced, strong, centered, empowered?

    And yet, it is their lives, they are allowed to live anywhere upon the spectrum.

    My goal as a mom or maybe as a woman, was to find my own center…maybe, okay not maybe, but I guess I don't have the right to tell them where their center is.

     We may not match in the end.

    They my find it being more comfortable to be off center. They may find love and happiness way off their center.  

    I tipped them….when I didn't allow them free will…in their early days.  I set this pattern in motion.

    Now, I get to live with watching the consequences of this manifest in their lives…in varying degrees.  

    It is being aware of your legacy being lived out….and sadly, even if I have changed my pattern, they may not decide or want to change theirs.

    I raised them to be off center…when I was off center…so they would match me.

    As a mother, I did damage.

    As a mother, I changed.

    Like one of my daughters said, "We have had two moms without going through a divorce."  But, that leaves me in a strange land.  Some will match my old self and some will match my new….when, how and If, it is all up to them.

    Complicated to have two patterns in one family.

     

  • Harmony is in our Choices.

    ‎"Harmony is the inner cadence of contentment we feel when the melody of life is in tune. When somehow we're able to strike the right cord to balance the expectations of our families and our responsibilities in the world on one hand with our inner needs of spiritual growth and personal expression on the other. This is one of the most difficult challenges any woman (man) faces because it requires us to make choices every day. And yet most of us often feel too tired to choose anything more than what to have for dinner." Sarah Ban Breathnach

    Life is in the choices we choose…and remember the old saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."  

    It then seems, that in order to have balance; we need to play for as many hours we work.  

    And to make it half of our life's work to do things for your Inner Needs.

    To put that on the list and be as conscientious as if it were a Job.

    I bet, if we start paying attention to our choices and see that there are two distinct categories, one being for the expecations family and job….and the other self, we will see what parts we are overfeeding.

    Deepak Chopra used to end his hour long radio show with, "Keep your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground."

    To keep our imaginations and playfulness alive…while keeping up with our responsiblities.

    I have my yoga room heating….and then off to work….but, I will end this day in the company of Ladies and Art Quilts.  Harmony is in our choices.



  • Art from the Inside Out.

    As I finished writing the last blog and it came to "Hating that my mother lied to me.." I realized later on today, that I hated me for believing it.  I hated me for being okay living as a mask too, for weasalling out of the truth more times than, I too, care to count.  And, I am wise enough to know that what  blame on the outside truly belongs to me.

    I hated me.

    I hated me and my lies I lived.

    I hated and held resentment towards myself for caring more about my own mask, and I lied.

    I lied when I felt resentment towards my mother and never explored it.

    I lied when I felt cold towards my father and I acted as warm as I could get.

    I lied to be liked, to be kind, to be accepted, to not 'push a button' and to avoid the anger.  

    I really have to be extremely grateful when my parents truth (and mine) were exposed, when our masks tilted and fell…for truthfulness lay bare.

    And, it was too huge to cover up. There were not enough lies to make it work again, my mask was shattered AND the scariest part that behind the mask was a blank face.

    I had no me.

    What also came to me today, are the Ladies in my quilts. They have no faces.  

    Here is my latest one.  I love her.  She is my Second WIND Lady….


    IMG_9324
     She too has great energy and I love the WIND moving her around her.  I am not sure if I will add anything more. There is lots of my hand-dyed fabric in the borders. I did however, wonder how a mask would be laying in the dirt.  I may try that.

    Here is another view.


    IMG_9319
    I wonder if a face will ever appear.  Very interesting to not know how your Art will move.  Like Life it seems to move by feelings; art from the inside out.

  • When I Say My Truth.

    I had a feeling yesterday that clicked firmly into place; how I see myself, and how others may, see me as well.

    I would rather be hated for speaking the truth, than to be liked for speaking lies.

    It is okay if they hate me, for not wanting to hear the truth.  

    I would rather that, then for them to hate me for telling lies. 

    If they don't like me it is okay…but the main focus for me is to always live as truthfully as I can. To always say what feels uncomfortable at the time, than to shy away from the truth.  

    It is best to live on the crisp edge of honesty and be hated for it, than to be 'liked' for stepping back from the harsh truth of reality…and be liked for being 'kind'.

    I could see stretched before me my past as well as my future, and I knew that I would rather be standing here, than standing where I see my mother.

    She didn't tell the truth and I hate her lies.

    I hate that she wasn't honest with us.

    I hate her for telling lies.

    She gave me nothing to hold on to.  

    She is like water in a clenched fist…

    I saw myself standing as substance…as a solid… a solid one unmovable piece, something you could hold.  Even if I am unliked, there is something to me.  I have content, I am made of something.  I stand for something.

    Truth is the content of who we are.  It is the fingerprint of your soul.

    Lies are the pretend layer that floats above….the mask…that hides you.

    I only knew my mother's mask. 

    Truth reveals me…

    Hate my truth.

    Hate me…

    It matters not.

    I am comfortable without a mask.

    My parents wore masks.

    In the end, all I was left with, were their masks…the false life of lies.

    I want my children to know me…and not a mask.

    To even hate who I am, is better than living a life as a mask.

    I would rather they not like the lady I am, than to be liked by wearing a mask.

    I then thought, "who is my mother?"

    Do you know, in the first few weeks, months okay, years of me seeing my mother's mask fall, I had the overwhelming sentiment of being the little bird who lost its mother….who went out to find her.  "Are you my mother?"

     I thought I was searching for my mother, when I was actually searching for me.

    And, the old phrase that has haunted my journey, "I am lost, I am going to find myself, and I don't even know who I am?"

    It seemed an impossible task; looking for someone I don't know.

    But, now I can see how I found myself.  One truth at a time. 

    I re-built me.

    By never ducking behind a mask, instead by standing out, fearlessly, being me.

    Hating me for my truth is way okay with me…it is better than finding out I am full of lies.

    I woke up at 46 to a life of a mask.

    I am now 54, and 8 years old. 

    I find me when I say my truth.



     


  • Perfect for Me.

    In January, 2004…I had made a list of things I wanted in life, my future, a bucket list of sorts, but mostly it appears as it were dreams without substance.

    What I mean by that is they were things I wanted to do, lofty goals or what I thought would fulfill my life, but they lacked the beginning.  They lacked me being fully capable of actually knowing the content and substance or the first building blocks…the training or understanding.

    It is to want something that is grand, without the struggle or sweat that it takes to get there.

    Like wanting to cross the finish line of a marathon, but only running the last mile…to feel the accomplishment, but not what it takes to run each step and each mile.

    It is erily like my life back then, minus the center or a true foundation.  Built upon the lightness of life…full of holes and places I skirted around.  Not a true solid running path.

    The things I dreamed for and wanted…was like plucking ideas out of the clouds, with no intentions of doing the work or having the understanding of their path.  Just an item, free floating unattached….that I could simply grab and have.

    A list of fanciful dreams…even a fantasy. A list I wanted to be delivered to me, where the Universe would do all the work, and I just sat and waited.  A lazy dreamer and goal maker.  

    The list and the list maker… I hardly recognize.  And the things I wanted were such senseless things or just things….and not a fuller life, but a life of more things and doings. And, the doings were not connected to my center or me, but something I thought the world needed, not something from within me.

    Oh, I did throw in a few "spiritual" or "feeling" aspirations, but even then, I didn't know what each would require of me…they just sounded 'nice'.

    I may write another list and see the differences.  In a way, I wish I hadn't read the old list first, but just went ahead and wrote AND then I could compare fairly.  Now, I wonder if I would be too grounded to dream the infinite dream?

    What part of me would my bucket list now serve…the center or the dreamer…and what are my dreams?  

    The early list, I believe was what I thought would make me happy, alive and successful and even comfortable.  And yet nothing of the list would have gotten me to where I am today…at peace and fully connected to my center.  It took tragedy and loss, pain and sorrow to make me aware of a whole new level of me.

    It is very interesting to me, that most of what I had on the list, was meaningless and would not have changed who I am or my content…all it would have done was kept me busy at the surface and perhaps dressed nicer and living in better places, going see fun things, but it would not have touched the center of me. 

    I can clearly see the woman who believed that changing the outside would make the inside better.  When in fact the outside stayed the same, but the inside shattered…

    Truth flooded my insides, while the outside remained unchanged…and that toppled any dream list I had.  All my dreams changed.  All I wanted was to be at peace, to know truth, to be joy, to live in harmony with reality…to survive with my life intact…with all my faculties.  To work my way through the insanity of my flipped upside down mind…to get to a place where what I said and what I saw all was in step with the Universe (One Verse).

    For my life to have only one side…and all words and actions to be as they appeared, to not live hiding truths due to their ugly content, but to live fearlessly facing all of life as it appeared like a plain glass window…  To be a seer and not a fanciful dreamer and pretender.

    I know now, that my dreams, intentions and desires would now come from deep within me, and would more than likely contain things that are self less; more that they would be moving through me…Like the Lady Quilts.  Where I am there, but it is much bigger than I.

    In the old list, I was the dream maker, shaper and designer…now, I would be the one who the dream passed through.  

    I can only orchestrate the open space and be accessible and daring…and not be rigid and set on a certain path.  But like the pen being held by an artist….moving freely and not fighting the hand that holds me.

    I no longer resist…for I was shown, that what I would have called my worst moments in life, were actually some of my brightest.  They revealed to me, Me.

    Instead of facing life as a pen and its limited knowing of who I am, I will let the Universe draw me…

    I am surprised often.  

    I am thrilled by synchronistic events that collide, and how I don't know my path, except for this last edge of the pen stroke.

    Today, I am here…ready to see what movements I do, what I am inspired (In Spirit) to do.

    Loving that I am now a pen without a path…there are no dots to search for and ones to swerve around.  I am free to be moved by the Universe….we are truly one verse.

    I only suffer, when I don't like the line that It has drawn or the way it wants me to go.

    If I relax in the hand of the Universe, all my desires and needs will be met. My life has moved down a path that is perfect for me.

  • All that wasn’t true.

    I was left wondering about my family of origin and the way we are spinning as we go through life.

    Some are spinning towards their center and some are spinning away.

    What is easier, going against the spinning majority and losing their love and attention, or spinning with the majority spinning away from your own center.

    One is being pulled by what the majority needs and wants and the other is to spin to the beat of your own drum.  There is a price to be paid for both…neither is a free ride of bliss and ease.

    And, from what I have come to know, the destinations are actually more important than the spinning. Where are you spinning to? What will be the outcome?  What will you have and to hold when you get there?  Is there a there?  Who are you as you are spinning?  

    I can see the two different ways of spinning.

    One is me and the other are most of my siblings.  

    I have spun both ways and I know that each has its pain and suffering, but what I didn't fully grasp is how you end up.

    Will you spin into madness or will you spin into clarity?

    Will you eventually spin completely out of control and lose complete sight of your center and in knowing who you are?  

     Do you spin in rebellion or are you spinning in harmony….and in harmony for peace in the family or harmony for your soul?

    Where we end up will matter more than the journey itself.

    Who will you be and where will you land?

    What is the cost of spinning away from your self?

    And is it really possible to leave your self or are you taking your self on a ride and it watches you and knows how you continually make choices against your self in order to make peace 'out there'.  

    I know that in the past I made choice after choice mindless or heedless of what its cost was to me, to the self, the essence of me, how each choice that was based for ease today, piled another layer upon me, leaving the real me far far below.

    I also know, they know. They know that they are unwilling to ruffle feathers. Unwilling to push a button, unwilling to see what is uncomfortable seeing, to instead say things that are not true to have 'peace' today.  This is the spin.  Just as many journalist put a spin on their stories, so to do we.

    We spin them to make it more palpitable for today…we either spin with the truth or spin it to make it sound better.

    Spinning with the harmony of reality or spinning away in denial.

    We spin for many reasons.

    We spin to be liked and to have love and to be not alone.

    We spin to be perfect and to appear kind.

    We spin to not feel the truth and the pain that follows.

    We spin our lives to make us feel better.

    But where will it lead?  Does it lead to a better life, a happier home, a loving relationship or does it keep you from feeling real life?

    Just interesting to see the lives spinning and wonder what they are weaving.

    Spinning out of control or spinning into control.

    What I didn't know either, is that there is no difference between spinning out of control with drugs/alcohol etc or spinning into dark oblivion of strict religion or in denial of abuse.  

    In all YOU are out of control.  You are not able to make choices for your self.

    Just as dysfunctional families do not want anyone wielding free will in their relationships. There is only one way to spin in abusive homes, and it certainly is not for your own good.  You must spin around the abuser…like a tragic merry-go-round.

    I have spun now both ways. 

    One is spinning out of control and away from the center of me….and the further and longer you spin, it will be harder to gain control and reverse the spin.

    The centrifugal motion takes immense amount of strength and courage to stop. 

    I had a whole life of 46 years based upon spinning away from my center.  

    I had to unwind and undo all that I had spun into an illusion…

    It literally felt like I was becoming undone.

    And I was.

    I was unraveling all that wasn't true.